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Sep 2016 · 458
Untitled
Christina Cox Sep 2016
I'm at war with myself
Duck! and cover your head.
Don't get hit,
Save yourself
before you try to save me.
Aug 2016 · 776
Consider This.
Christina Cox Aug 2016
There's a light at the end of the tunnel
for if there wasn't
it would be a cave
and you would be stuck.
Aug 2016 · 2.6k
Time Travel (Haiku)
Christina Cox Aug 2016
On the wall, right there,
Hang windows for all to see
Of past memories.
Aug 2016 · 547
Run Away
Christina Cox Aug 2016
I want to run away from me
To a magical land, somewhere safe.
Away from all the pain I cause
from the tears I force and the veins I...

I want to run away from here
from the thoughts I have that make me shake
and the fear that comes to take me deeper
into a hole I cannot feel the bottom of
but I lay in all the same.

Just let me run away from home
or rather,
let me run away from me.

But away from home first of all
so the wreckage is nothing I can see.
I cannot see the friends I leave
or tears I surely cause.
You see,
I know it's all my fault,
but I'll let them know
when I run
away from me.
Aug 2016 · 386
Take me Away
Christina Cox Aug 2016
I know that people love me.
It's just that

the most important one.


Doesn't.
Jul 2016 · 601
Chores
Christina Cox Jul 2016
I don't know where
it stops


or


starts


starts. starts. starts.
Again.
And Again.

Writing TO DO list.
-Laundry
-Dishes
-Bills
-**** Myself



And the pen

.

The hand hovers and the mind ___


-Bills
-Kgul Mytyfw
-BILLS
-Sweep
-Mop
Jul 2016 · 7.0k
Shopping for Inner Praise
Christina Cox Jul 2016
Waiting my turn in
----------------------------- line
for the golden star
from Self-Gratification.

Now to find the shortest aisle.
May 2016 · 273
seven years later
Christina Cox May 2016
I never imagined
I never could have thought
After all this time
Of not talking
Of not seeing
One little look that one day
Would turn on the light
To your home
In my heart
May 2016 · 383
how i imagine it would go
Christina Cox May 2016
and then i imagine
when i’m up and
you try to
talk me down

you have so much to live for
you don’t have to tell me that
i know my dreams and goals
the things i’ll never reach

your family loves you
i know they do
of course they do
and they’ll be crushed

you’re talking to a girl
holding on by a thread
crying the ugly cry
just about to try and fly

i’ve created scenes
sounded sirens
stopped the traffic
stepping over the railing

played it back
again
and
again

you have so much to live for
we can get you help
you aren’t alone
your family loves you

it’s nothing new
and something known
just go a little deeper
i don’t even want to do this

but i have to.
Apr 2016 · 710
There is No Beginning
Christina Cox Apr 2016
And for some odd reason she hasn't had her coffee

                                                         ­                   And for some strange reason
                       she's hanging upside down

                                                                     And if for some little particle of time you see her right side up

                      Tell her hi for me and give her this little bitty cup
Apr 2016 · 354
Battles and the War
Christina Cox Apr 2016
Once upon a time
She was a liar and a cheat

Lying at everyone she loved
Cheating off everyone she could meet

She didn't want to smile so much
Smiling tortured her withered soul

She couldn't even talk as much
Opening her mouth she lied to herself

Once upon a time
She was a happy girl

Then the war it started
Over her body and her soul
Mar 2016 · 465
RELAPSE SUCKS
Christina Cox Mar 2016
Retreating to the known and dangerous.
Easing into the normalcy of generated lines.
Letting the red tears run in place of the salt water ones.
Allowing myself to enjoy the comfort of pain.
Pain strikes but is welcomed at the gate.
Shutting out the emotions instead.
Eyeing them outside the window, wishing they would wash away.

Showing the mirror what I’ve done.
Under the black cloud of shame and guilt.
Creating a place of daggered walls and floors.
Kicking yourself just to make you learn.
Silently wishing for death to come.
Mar 2016 · 651
ME
Christina Cox Mar 2016
ME
I don't want to be me.
ME.
Miserable
Emptiness.
Feb 2016 · 1.0k
A Suicide Note
Christina Cox Feb 2016
I look at you and see the happiness I wish I had.
The love for everyone you see.
I start to cry for my hopeless wishing
to be happy once again.

I write on paper all the things
I wish I had again.

Happiness
Love
Determination

Now all I want
is to write a new letter
to you.

A letter saying,
"I'm sorry for all I've done"
"I'm sorry for what I'm about to do"
"I'm sorry I can't do it anymore"
"I'm sorry I've lost my fight"
Feb 2016 · 425
If Only I Could Die. Haiku.
Christina Cox Feb 2016
I have too many
commitments to **** myself.
Be accidental.
Feb 2016 · 301
Do you know? Haiku
Christina Cox Feb 2016
I wish I could say
What it's really like in here
The dark of my mind.
Feb 2016 · 209
In My Mind.
Christina Cox Feb 2016
What should I do when I want to die?
Don't.
It's not that easy.
It never is, is it?
Never.
Feb 2016 · 466
The Photograph
Christina Cox Feb 2016
One day I’ll take a picture.
Of myself.

Or you will take that picture.
And it will be of me.

This picture won’t be pretty.
No matter how hard I try.

This picture will have features
That I’ve always tried to hide.

One day there’ll be a photo
Of me sitting down.
Holding out my arms for you
And showing all my thighs.

A photo of myself
And all I’ve ever hated.

The photo of the day I say,
“I’m proud of where I’ve been.”
“I’ve won the war I’ve been in.”
Feb 2016 · 382
I Am Sick.
Christina Cox Feb 2016
I’m losing the battle with depression.
This sickness of my mind.
It’s taken over all of me in ways you cannot see.
The demons in my soul and the darkness of my heart.
“Pretend” symptoms that cannot be measured.
Only those with the illness understand.

I’m losing the battle with my illness.
Feeling my body giving in.
Slower movement with a hugged in body.
Eyelids drooping down.
A paler face from the never sleep.
I do look sick.
But maybe from a cold.

I’m losing the battle with an illness.
The illness appears as a cold.
But there is no sniffling nose around.
Instead, hidden tears and ****** arms.
My hair is not falling out.
My body is not attacking itself.
All in all I don’t look sick.

I’m losing my body to depression.
I’m losing my health and soul.
I’m taking the blood from my heart.
With hopes of ridding the body of the bug.
Inside I feel the darkness.
Inside I feel the cold.

I’m losing this battle.
No matter how hard I fight.
I’ll lose one day.
And be taken from this life.
Feb 2016 · 2.6k
To Avoid Being Crushed
Christina Cox Feb 2016
I feel the weight on my shoulders.
So I hide under the table.
Let the wood take the crushing world.
And allow me time to sleep.
Lie down on the shaggy floor.
While the makeshift roof is cracking.
Melt into the floor for once.
Becoming something new.
No longer am I human
But a part of something bigger.
My body has disappeared
From the harmful world.
There is no more crushing
The world cannot find me anymore.
Feb 2016 · 558
One Night Stand
Christina Cox Feb 2016
TV turned on
with lights turned off.
Lying in the bed
your arms around me.
Kissing my neck
and touching my *******.
I turn and climb on top of you
and kiss your bearded mouth.
We breathe together
and move together.
Two beings not in love
acting as one.
Not making love
but having ***.

Wake up and see
his muscled back.
While I am cold
and silent.
We move and dress
to start the day
on our different ways.
Expecting nothing
I leave your bed
returning to my own.

One day after I receive a text,
"Hey. How are you?"
What I thought would be
a one night stand
has turned into something else.

A multiple night stand.
Feb 2016 · 433
Fire Creates
Christina Cox Feb 2016
My tears are starting to burn
     a river of lava... flowing

destroying

          the once beautiful forest.

BUT.

We all know
        that only fire
     can create a perfect environment
   for new trees
            to reach the sun.

I HOPE.

It is the same for
            this
                 lowly
                      human
                            soul.
Christina Cox Feb 2016
I wash the clothes
and fold them too.
I take the dishes
and load them up.
I look at closets
and organize jackets.

I do the chores
mom usually does.
Parents thank me
and smile at my work.
To them I'm getting better
and working to be better.

Little do they know
that when I do housework
my live is spiraling more
and all I am doing
is making things easier
for when I am gone.
Feb 2016 · 559
What's in a Name?
Christina Cox Feb 2016
My name is not Christina.

My name is darkness.
My name is depression.
My name is anxiety.

My name...
is full of problems.

My name is broken.
My name is sad.
My name is harm.

To myself and to others.
My name spells out "suicidal."

My name is not my own.
I share my name with many others.

My name is your name
and your name is my name.
With little spelling differences.

We are a family.
Together coping
and trying to survive.

Our family,
who is in so much pain,
and want to love themselves,
who love each other,
but cannot see
why
the others love us.

We are a family
where our names are not our own.
And I am part of that family.

My name is not Christina.

My name is your name.
Our name is trying,
our name is hope,
our name is work.

Our names are the same
and that name is
desire
to get better.

And together,
we can.

We.
Can.
Do.
This.

Our family,
the family we have
where all our names are same.

We can do this.
We,
who are all the same.

Because I believe you can do this.
And I know you believe I can do this.
So with our beliefs in each other
we can all do this.

We,
the siblings,
will lean on each other
for strength,
for love,
for hope,
for compassion,
for sympathy,
for knowledge,
for understanding.

This family is strong
in it's broken heart
and broken soul.

Our family is different.
It does not run through our veins.
But runs through water
of tears running down our faces,
blood running down our limbs,
of pain running through our souls.

We are a family,
and together,
we can survive.

My name is not Christina.

My name is not Christina.

You will tell me,
my name is not broken,
my name is not depression,
my name is not anxiety.

You will tell me,
my name is happiness,
my name is soulful,
my name is bright,
my name is beautiful.

My name is Christina.

And I will tell you,
your name is beautiful,
your name is strong,
your name is bright,
your name is loving.

Your name is [insert name here].

We are a family of broken souls
just trying to get better
and together,
we can.

My name is Christina.
And I am part of this family.

Your name is [insert name here].
And you are part of this family.

We will work together
through problems,
through heartbreak,
through sadness,
through numbness.

We are a family.

Who,
as individuals
may feel weak
but together are strong.

We are a family.

We are a family.
From a recording on my phone. A little jumbled, but was a very emotional time to speak and write.
Christina Cox Feb 2016
The stars understand.
They shine
bright
and
beautiful
but cannot see for themselves.

The stars understand.
Living in the darkness
where many see
but so few know.

The stars understand.
Feb 2016 · 2.5k
Orion
Christina Cox Feb 2016
Orion, Orion,
run through the sky.
Shoot Polaris through the heart
and drag it down to earth.

Orion, Orion,
lasso up the moon.
Roll it round the world
and create a crescent smile.

Orion, Orion,
chase the northern lights.
Herd them down to the south
to join with their brothers and sisters.

Orion, Orion,
take a look at your belt.
And travel to the stars that sew
your clothing all together.

Orion, Orion,
please take me on a journey.
Capture me as I walk
and bring me up to you.

Orion, Orion,
let me live with you.
In the sky and in the stars
with the moon by my side.

Orion, Orion,
please become my friend.
Take me away from this hell I live
on this earth that is breaking down.
Feb 2016 · 272
Given Up
Christina Cox Feb 2016
I've given up on my smile.
I've welcomed all my tears.
I sit and stare at the wall
with nothing in my soul.

I've given up on my happiness.
I've welcomed all my demons.
I lay in bed staring at the lights
with darkness in my heart.

I've given up on myself.
I've welcomed all the cuts.
I rock on the bathroom floor
with blood running down.
Feb 2016 · 1.2k
Dear Mom I Love You
Christina Cox Feb 2016
If I could write a letter to my mom and tell her the truth...
how liberating and sad it would be.

Dear mom if I take my own life,
don't be afraid of the word suicide.
There were inner demons I could never beat.
Who left their claw marks on my sleeve.

Dear mom if I die, I hope that you're not sad.
Because I'm finally done with the life that so brutally hurt me.

Dear mom I love you so.
And I wish that you knew that taking my life was never about you,
but the darkness in my soul.

Dear mom I know that you believe in a God who won't give you more than you can handle.
But if this is true then why
is it that I want to die?
Because I've had so much more than I can handle.
And I just can't fight anymore.

Dear mom I don't want to alarm you
to the truths lying in wait
in the caverns of my soul

But.

Dear mom I'm dying inside
and I can't take it anymore.

Dear mom tonight I'll say goodnight
and whisper how I love you.
Then go and be alone
to try to stay alive
for just one more hellish night.
Christina Cox Jan 2016
Now you

S   t    A   r   T    l   E

awake.

Feelings of
I'm late for work
I'll be fired
******* it.

Yes, you are late.

12
11                     1
10                              2
9    <--------!                 3
8                !                4
7           !           5
6

9:30 in the morning
says the clock.

Look at the calendar.

Yesterday ~ Today ~ Tomorrow
Saturday ~ Sunday ~ Monday

The days
you mixed up.

You woke up
for nothing.
Christina Cox Jan 2016
I'm needing a map
Showing in my soul
With a path to leave
Jan 2016 · 251
Point of View
Christina Cox Jan 2016
W
    r
       i
          t
             e

On the diagonal
To see a new angle of life.

                                         N
                                      o
                                   w             T
                                                h
                                             e             O
                                                          t
                                                       h
                                                    e
                                                 r

Just look at how things change.

             NOW SCREAM!!!
To show the world you're here to stay.

                                    now whisper
To show the world you have respect.

Change the way you see and speak
To find another's
Point of View.
Jan 2016 · 2.8k
VASA
Christina Cox Jan 2016
I see the way you look at me
a fat girl wearing a crop top at the gym.
Your frown screams how dare you
and I'm sure your mind says it too.

-
The small girl walks in
with perfect hair and shorts barely there.
You will avert your eyes
to avoid the ugly in your gym.

But wait.

You didn't.

You walked over and smiled.
Said hi.
Gave me some advice
and moved on.
-

-
There are boys I know
from middle and high school;
I haven't seen in years.

I see them wonder at my clothes
while acknowledging me
with tiny pursed smiles.
-

-
There are women larger than I
they look at me with disgust
and I don't know why.
-

So many judgements
in a place where walls are mirrors
and sweat is a normal thing.

But do these people really feel
the way I think they do?

Because I look at them
and don't really care.

We're all just working out
in a gym
trying to become
who we want to be.
Jan 2016 · 700
Binge Writing
Christina Cox Jan 2016
Binge.
             Netflix                      
             Hulu                          
             Bulimia                    

I have new ones.
              Writing                    
              Poetry                      

There are times
where in ten measly minutes
I write and write
creating one poem
per two minutes.

Five poems in
ten minutes.

I am Binge Writing.

Pouring out my soul
in the form of a
waterfall.
Christina Cox Jan 2016
Isn't it funny
how a brown, warm little drink
keeps my eyes open?
Jan 2016 · 747
A Letter to Myself; Child
Christina Cox Jan 2016
Dear child with bright blonde hair,
and shining blue eyes,
you have tough times ahead.

You'll fall and cry and get back up
in a time when the worst thing in the world
is a scraped up knee.

You'll grow up loved
in a family that is strange
but you'll learn,
all families are.

You'll find your siblings
and hate the differences.
These little ones will make
you cry.

But love them anyway.

Even when she hates you.
Even when he hits you.

There are reasons.
You'll understand one day,
and it will make you cry.

But child, do not fret
for you have best friends
and passions.

You'll make your own adventures
climbing trees,
exploring bones of homes,
going by yourself.

You'll smile so much
your entire face will hurt.
The adults will look at you
and smile because this little girl
is just so happy.

Dear me,
Your childhood will be amazing,
full of wonder,
with some sprinkles of pain.

And you will look back
and smile.
Jan 2016 · 538
A Letter to the Women
Christina Cox Jan 2016
Lovely Woman,

You are beautiful even
when you think you are not.

You cannot see your smile
or the way your eyes sparkle
or hear the way your laugh sounds
to me.

Strong Woman,

You are not a ***** or a ****
for getting what you want.
Stand tall, head held high
even when there's a weight
holding you down.

I see your dreams and pain
through these pages.
These amazing words
show me your soul.

Lovely Woman, Strong Woman, Just a Woman.

Who is strong no matter where you go in life.
Jan 2016 · 228
A Letter To The Men
Christina Cox Jan 2016
Dear Sir,

I think you are beautiful.

Because your eyes sparkle
Because your laugh smiles
Because your soul shines

Kind Sir I look at you
or I do not.

I see through these pages
Stories of pain and loss
Stories of joy and love

And through these pages I see you.

Kind Sir. Dear Sir. Just a Man.

Who is beautiful too.
Jan 2016 · 919
My Wish For My Long Ones
Christina Cox Jan 2016
I want to scream and yell
at you, Reader

"Why do you see the longer ones
and skip over them?"

These are the words I wrote
with my heart and soul
for you to read.

"Why do so many get a reading
when they are shorter than them above?"

These are words I quickly found
that do have meaning
but only in those seconds.

I wish you would become a reader
of longer, lingering thoughts.
Then you'll see into my soul
in different ways than I understand.

But truth be told,
I should yell at myself
for doing the same to you.
Jan 2016 · 3.0k
Personification of Life
Christina Cox Jan 2016
I've always been confused
by media's personifications of Life.

A beautiful woman
                          whose skin is flawless
                          whose face is symmetric
                          who has no faults


She, Life, is perfect and clean.

How life truly is not

A depiction of Life I give you now,
one not so perfect as She before.

                                           Skin and features of many
                                           taking in the best and worst.
                                                    A being who is strong and weak
                                                    visibly ill while being well.
                                A being who is beautiful in it's -u-g-l-i-n-e-s-s-
                                or rather,
                                a being who is beautiful in it's uniqueness.
                                      
A being who is not perfect,
but strives to be.
A being who is not commonly pretty,
but true to the mixture of
                                 Pain and Sorrow
with
                                 Ease and Joy.

Now I am sure you depict
Life a different way.
But how truthful all these depictions are

for life is different to everyone.
Christina Cox Jan 2016
I walk to nowhere
                                                         ­                        in particular;

walking through my mind to my soul.
I find darkened, thorny paths
used by demons                                                           ­           
and bright, soft paths
                                                           ­       used by angels.

-
But I take none.
-

I forge my own path through
thorns                                                   ­                   
and
                                                            ­                meadows
creating a newer journey
that none have seen
to an end that I could never
                                                           ­       believe.

~Except~

-
I made it there.
-

To an end with crystal waterfalls
running to a see through pond.
No dirt but gems, winking at the sky.
Surrounded by benches of willing trees
and boulders
waiting for a climb.

Roses dancing through the grasses,
                                                        ­       fallen petals form the road
thorny stems weaving protection,                                                      ­
walling in my peace.

If you find me then you will see
                                                  me sitting in the shade
                                                        or swimming in the water
                                                         or climbing on my friends.

-
Here.
-

You will find me
all alone                                          
in the place
                                    I want to be.
Jan 2016 · 622
Feeling Suicidal
Christina Cox Jan 2016
I find the pit in my stomach
and the tears running down my face.
I feel the tearing of my heart
and the pressure on my soul.

If only I could find a way
to paint a happy girl.
Then I could paint that ******* me
and become the thing you desire.

Instead I find the darkest pit
and fall in to it's comforting blanket.
To show myself the darkest corners
and wish for just a match.

To fall is to be alone and jump
without you there to pull me back.
I can't show you my blackened soul
unless you understand the consequence.
Jan 2016 · 2.5k
Losing My Virginity
Christina Cox Jan 2016
A conscious decision made weeks ago
turns into a conscious action.
Talking and flirting to find the right one
who will take my meaningless title.
Finding a day and time to come together
and consciously act.
Going up and going down
waiting for the ******.
The one takes the time
and finally the meaningless title
is destroyed.
Jan 2016 · 182
Untitled
Christina Cox Jan 2016
This music you call loud
disastrous
scary
is the friend I have
who understands
when I'm too scared
to talk to you.
Christina Cox Jan 2016
Going to the gym
Seeing the me that I hate
In the mirror wall
Jan 2016 · 263
Waiting Area
Christina Cox Jan 2016
The employees talk of lives
outside of work.
Then talk of work and lives
within these walls.
The patrons sit on their own
thinking of their own lives.
Then look up and make contact
with another.
And for just a second
they wait together.
Jan 2016 · 317
Self Bully
Christina Cox Jan 2016
It's funny how emotions
are what rule our heart.
And how these old friends
can ruin your perfect day
by reminding you of the years
you were bullied
and you were the bully.
Jan 2016 · 798
Losing Virginity?
Christina Cox Jan 2016
He's taken all of my firsts.

My first date.
My first hand hold.
My first kiss.
My first love.
My first make out.
My first time I was touched.
My first breakup.
My first true hatred.
My first true forgiveness.
My first friend with benefits.
My first *******.

Will he also be my first?
Jan 2016 · 196
Untitled
Christina Cox Jan 2016
My tears, they run.
Creating streaks
of black.
Because my tears
aren't made of water
but the fire
burning up my soul.
Jan 2016 · 615
Happy Birthday Me
Christina Cox Jan 2016
Chocolate cake with icing same
and candles full of color.
Lights are off and fire on
singing to me from you.
Happy birthday, dear Christina
now you're 22.
Make a wish and make it good
I promise, it will come true.
But my wish is one I cannot work for
it's about my soul.
To be happy with myself again
without any help from you.
Christina Cox Jan 2016
I'm willing to go back in time
to the place where I was hurt
and tell you of the feelings
that you caused inside my heart.

I'm willing to talk to you
of changes of my life
that made me go from hate
to a person who wants to try.

I'm willing to tell you of the
memories you don't even know
the ones that are truth to me
and prevented my trust in you.

I'm willing to speak of the hold
you will always have on me
even after ten years have gone
I see you and wish for the past.

I want to tell you all of this
to try and get away
so I can move and fall in love
without you in my head.

I wish I could explain it better
these jumbled thoughts in my heart
so you could understand
how much I want to move away.

I wish I could tell you
that moving away from you
isn't a bad thing
but something we both need.

I know we've never stopped
I know we've always cared
but how are we supposed to find
another love when our hearts are still intwined?
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