6 minutes til 10.
my hands cradling pills and milk
to chase purposeful death down my throat
and i chase the freedom that has been revoked
when i was born
every day i awoke
i want to take back...
those critical moments...

almost 10 pm
and its over.
i dont want to see tomorrow.
im gonna swallow my solution...
one hour closer...
to death and away from sorrow...

no more poems no more sight..
no more breathing just one big light.

10 pm.
i surrender
good bye.

i wonder what you were doing in your final days.
seems like best things are always taken away.
were you having fun or were you in pain?
i wish that nothing happened, i wished everything hadn't changed.
i know this day is the worst for your family.
i remember when i found out it hurt kayla and me.
i couldnt believe what she said and i didnt ever want to...
a year later without you and all we want is you.
you dont have to come back to earth but it'd be nice to know you're alright.
your soul is what i reach out to,
i always think about you i just wish i could communicate with light

so i could hear you when you speak,
and know whenever you heard mine.
the stars that shine and stay above my head,
i know that it's you when i look into the night,
call upon your name and let you know you're not alone.
some times i see your face and i never close my eyes.
i think i believe in fait but it's hard to really say 'cause of all the falling pains it's like an ocean of poisoned rain,
and i never learned how to swim above the surface so i could live,
so i fall miles to the bottom where all the darkness is..
and i look around for you to see if you're real,  
and i can never wash the emptiness that i feel...
i just hope there is a god and if there is i hope to god that you live at peace right now, i cant believe it's been a year and you had to leave right now...
at times i can hear something telling me it's okay,
answering my questions to you as if i were insane,
it's inside my head so i dont trust that it'd be you,
i could just be delusional and imagining the truth,
if you can see this you know,
my mind is not easily fooled,
but the one time i'm not ashamed to be stupid is the times i believe that i am in touch with you.

Been high since yesterday.
Good times since yesterday.
Feeling right all day since yesterday.
It's only morning but I've been alright since yesterday.

My bipolar strings are being plucked.
I'm getting impatient and tired as ****.
I want to go home and lay down and sleep
A room full of kids is not  my place to be.
I don't want to be stuck here I really want to leave.
And all this ******* anger is building inside of me.

"My cancer finally kicked in"
Mom says.
I guess her stage progressed.
Is that why she pushed me away this year?
Is that why she went on vacation and left us all here?
Coming slowly down the stairs with fluid in her belly.
I want to hold my tears but they've gotten too heavy.
I understand why she's been so mean.
I slice my hands as I scream
"mommy"
"Mommy"
"I don't want you to leave..."
"I forgive you for every thing you've ever done to me".
"Mommy, I love you.. Don't want you to go."
"cancer can't take you don't leave me alone"
She goes to the e.r but what can they do?
Cancer is killing my mom this afternoon
And I can't bare to look but I don't want to look away
Because what if when I close my eyes she goes to stay...
Cancer is taking my mommy home.
Cancer please leave my mom alone.

As I scream and rip my skin and my hair and my heart
Cancer is the reason I keep myself in the dark.
When my mom goes for good and they roll her down in the grave

I'll be pulling the knife from my chest as I scream

I'm coming

in this generation what happened here?
we got blood and drugs in the atmosphere
we got hatred in our hearts and lust in our wants
kids killing each other and no one gives a ****
the ones that do are in a corner
no one listens so no one bothers
adults giving up like its a profession
students in school aint there for the lessons

im scared of the future but the past is cursed
i dont even know which half is worse
we no longer wanna be doctors and moon walkers
we just wanna be dope dealers and street talkers

always trying to get away from the problems instead of tryna fix it
we dont even care any more we just living
and im afraid for what goes on from here
im afraid to breathe in this atmosphere

I tried to end it all again,
and yet again I am still here.
I really dont understand.
I'm giving up on giving up.
I wont even try to try harder.
Im throwing my hands up and leaving suicide alone.
But the feeling of it wont let me go.
i can say for the most part right now
i am pretty content.
i just dont want to think anymore about anything.
there's so much bad in my life that the good is impossible to see.
subconsciously i see possibility...
I am trying to push myself forward and carry myself ahead.
even though pain still lingers onto my legs,
nails deep in my calves making it hard for me to keep going.
but i know that as long as im moving forward im making progress even if slowly...

Naaire, you had a post on your instagram that read:

Slow progress is better than no progress,

And with all that has been said...

i am trying to make myself better because im tired of feeling dread.
suicide was my only way
but really i was already dead...
i need to make myself feel Alive

but i've been drowning myself instead..

at the moment i am okay
i have time for just one breath

its been so long since i've been okay...
and i thank the powers for that..

and i will try to go further than where im at.

You have mastered the eyes of an actor.
A true masked manipulator .
You could convince me that I didnt have to leave,
You'd also made me worship things I would have never believed.
Your smile could lead one to think that you were genuine and safe.
The sensitivity in your voice made the worst situations okay.
Control the mind with your natural lies.
Make me believe it is just you and i.
You act in a way that is almost like you preach.
Guiding us to be believe that the impossible could be.
I'm positive that you could even make me think...
That even under water it is okay to breathe.
Someone so dangerous is a bad ending i know it.
Then again,
You'd keep me doubting the truth
Even after you expose it.
Simply power
Is what you have
To lead anyone the worst way.
Giving me hope that i could pass with no studying on the first day.
Convince me that i can leave you alone and not do this
Give me time to heal from you and never again be so foolish.

Victim of false hope
False belief
False emotions.

One day I'll get you to  take a breath under the ocean.

i want enough liquor to make me sick
i want the most toxic **** for killer spliffs.
i want all the coke that i can get.
overdose tonight so every other i'll forget.
want nothing to do with sobriety or real life.
all my reality is is  just not right.
everything i do is for a good cause
but i cant seem to be cared for at all.
i want to sit on the floor, drugged and laughing.
i want to run on the walls free and happy.
i want to lose myself and not be me for the night.
overdose on the bitter sweetness of life.
possibly slipping into the next, and if i do, goodnight.

sitting on the bathroom floor
smoking kush behind the closed door.
listening to music/ all the bad i can ignore
i use it and i always feel better than i had before.

i think about every decision i've ever made
wondering why i never changed
wondering how things managed to go this way
if i hadnt done the things i did i cant help but imagine what wouldnt be the same

i stare into nothing
just lost
not really here
i can see
i can feel
i can hear
well aware
just not there
not anywhere.

i snap back into me
pull another dab plus
three
the drugs are not just killing me
they set me free
allowing me to be
where i've always wanted to be.
not here
not there...
not anywhere.
still
well aware...

something really bad took place.
wasnt the first time it happened.
you can tell by the event i am not the same.
i wont bother smiling or laughing.
nobody will believe me
simply because i couldnt count
how many times these things
happen to me and look now...
im ****** up.
im worthy of every pleasure
but love.
howcome its so hard to care for me?
even i cant do it enough to be smart.
why is it impossible to be there for me?
maybe cuz i been through too ******* much...
i cant handle another crack in my chest.
i cant keep another secret for anyone elses

best interest

i cant ******* sleep at night so im deprived of rest that i need cuz i cant live with life being so...
unfair...

do i really put myself in these situations?

theres nothing that hasnt happened to me that i wasnt able to get away from.

yet im still running and the problems are chasing...

and they're all right there i didnt know they were waiting...

i cant think of suicide one more ******* time.
i cant ignore the fact that every one thinks every word i say is a lie.

i cant live with myself being the most ****** up when all i ever do is help every one else...

why do i feel so compelled to make others happy...

when inside its ******* killing me its ******* tearing at me...

im falling apart in my own head i really am..
i cant live through another fall i just cant...
i feel so dead inside and its bound to show itself.
if it hasnt already.
i need to get something to help me survive.
if life'll let me.

theres nothing in this world or out that could put me together in one piece again...

the contemplation of wanting to continue this life breaks the peace again....

everything was settling down and my thoughts were finally silent

until the gun shots went off trigger to my head and it was me behind it.

She's abandoned.
She's sick.
She's so sweet,
Her heart is thick.
She's full of flaws,
Scars on every inch of her skin,
She doesn't speak because no one listens.
Depressed but mistaken for happy.
Locks the emotions away when she's angry.
Pleases everyone else without acceptation for herself.
She adopted a lonely spirit,
Whom replaced the one she was born with.
Over time they beat the crap out of her,
She could only feel more alone, then.
She has so many experiences that you just would  not believe.
They'd sound like stories and even more they'd make you feel like you had just gotten beat.
They'd make you feel the need to feel free and alive,
She's been killed and brought back to this devil of her life.
She's been destroyed and put together again so many times,
She doesn't know when it'll end but she's already gone inside.
Her mind is so open you could walk right in.
Have a seat, look around, ask any questions.
You can pick her heart up and she won't even gasp,
Until you drop it and the pieces cut you like glass.
She'll run for the broom and pick it all up,
Sew together that beautiful cut.
She hopes that now she's worthy of your presence and memory.
She wants to be cared for,
She needs company.
Every day is the same for her, nothing ever changes.
The suffering is routine and she hides all the pain.
Even though she's so hurt that she has a knife by her bed,
She can not seem to think of leaving her head.
If someone should come in and sit down and read,
They too,
Will have the knife,
But never be able to leave.

I can tear off my own skin
Pull my hair out and break my bones.
None of this will cause me to cry
Like the feeling of being alone.

your love sits on my chest like an overweight elephant,
imagine all that weight plus the obesity of your neglect,
crushing my heart that was once so delicate...
breaking the whole foundation of my chest.
i try to push back but my arms snap under the pressure,
i try not to love you so the weight might lessen.
but i never seemed to be able to lift you and your darkness.
because of you it takes much more pain for me to be broken hearted.
it may sound better, like nothing phases me as much..
but if pain and more pain affects me like nothing,
then how will i ever be strong enough to build myself,
how will i ever stop falling and finally get up...
i wish that you'd just get off me i wish you'd just roll over.
instead it seems you keep eating and the disease is moving closer.
instead of affecting you it drops right down to me,
my heart explodes and bleeds and you finally get up to leave.

Heart breaking..
No.
You took my heart and drove.
Head first into fire.
And you let it burn and die there.
Explain to me why anyone deserves you.
Explain how it is fair so many people have served you
And when anyone tries to fight you win by taking their life

It's ****** up and I hate you it's undone I'm gonna chase you till you open up and explain I'm gonna set fire to your rain and hope that we find a cure to replace you.

Explain how I'm supposed to live without my mother.
Explain how a kid explains this to her brother.
Explain how 3 children are to continue living everyday when they know they haven't seen mom in a week, a year, now they're fourteen its freshman year and they can't go back to being normal.
Everything changed because you destroyed them.

And I wish there was a way to avoid it.
But its too late you have her now and she's going...

I'll burn the cancer that kills my mother.
I'll torch you harder than you ever hurt us.
I'll take you out with a single dose.
Strong enough to cure a dozen folk.
And you'll never come back for another one of our people.
If you do,
That time the fight for you will be lethal.

Not again.
I think I like him.
But we're just friends.

you can ask all the questions you want.
just dont expect me to tell you the truth.
you say you wonder if im okay..
far from it but still walking through.

been some hundred years since your death

yet you're still haunting me
i can feel you hanging over my head

like a child your energy taunting me.
the strings on my hands aren't being pulled

a puppet to you and because of it i cant move

unless you decide to pull the strings loose

and let me go away,
away from you.

i can feel you coursing through my brain
after you died i hadnt felt the same

100 years and i still feel your pain

i dont know what you want but it hurts so bad.
to not be able to let go of what i thought i had

already let go of.

tell me what i have to do.
tell me how to satisfy you.

go rest in peace as you should

i cant help you now although i wish i could

stop hurting me i dont know what you want.

how can i get you to finally give up

you're speaking to me in darkness
a language i dont understand.

silence picks up my string and waves my two hands.

goodbye,

old friend.

will i see you again?

the strings were cut
my time is up

now i know what you want

you're alone in your world

well, friend, here i come.

Meeting you
Liquefied my heart
Brought it down to a state of art
Where knowing you has become such a blessing
And letting go of you will be lethally hard.
Time has pushed you in the center.
Mind has my ***** wrapping around you.
Slowly but indefinitely,
Closing the gap
No one can have you now
I froze you in my trap
Now as my heart begins to  set
Feeling each string of my art attach
I know the treasure it holds inside

It is you, my love
Just you and i.

Me
Disconnected
From society
You
Catch up with all the media
Know whats going on
Me
The definition
Of anti social
Repetition
Of losing interest without having to let go
It just goes.
You
Texting all your friends and family
Going out but sometimes home
Me
Phones are for music and games
Staying away from the world where im all alone
You
Posting statuses and photos for the public to see
Me
Not one account and always wishing no one ever noticed me.
You
Hold a job and go to school living a normal life it seems
Me
Cant work in a work place because its a real place and i am detached from reality.
Attached to anxiety
Psychotic thoughts and angrily
Dealing with myself and the ones
Who dont understand
The ones like you
Do you understand?
You
Dont understand.
It is hard.
Wanting to have that normal life
Even if i wasnt fully happy
At least I'd function correctly
No one can help me
Ask the ones who tried to help me

When you're too afraid to end it all
But you're desperate enough to wanna go away
You dont wanna hurt the ones you love
But you dont wanna feel any more pain
When the **** doesnt take you far enough
You think about *******
When your life has no meaning to you
But suicide is too much to pay.

Reaching my hand to steal
"Dont do that"
If it were done to you how would you feel.

Fixing my mouth to cause pain with words
"Remember how when it was said to you it deeply hurt".

Raising a hand to impact a person
with angry vengeful forces and painful purpose.
"The one who hits another is the one who suffers the most "
You know this.
I hear your  voice stopping me.
It's  working.

One day my eyes close and all i see is white.
My heart gives out and void fills life.

I see you and i hear you calling to me.

It was you, it was you teaching me my wrong doings.

Lord you saved me in life  and the after.

I thank you and apologize for what i did if it matters.

That voice never leaves my head,
Always directing my biggest steps.

I had to stop and listen to you for me to know any better.
And i know now that you are here with me and you are speaking to me from heaven.

How do i know you're not fooling me?
How can you tell I'm not fooling you?
One mustn't assume another's foolery
Nor can I ever doubt you fooling me.
Take me somewhere Far away
If I meant that does It mean I mean what I say?
If I trusted you would that be sane?
Considering I met you before yesterday.
Take me where I know you go
Where you spend most of your time alone
Let me wallow in all your Depths
Let me Follow in your foot steps.
I want to show you something cool
I want to know if You'd be afraid.
This whole message is about the fool
Two of them together what does that say?
Can I trust you or would I be stupid?
Can you trust me without feeling foolish?
Love me without losing.
If I can't love you then who am i fooling?

it is okay for my pains to last forever,
But i will not let them stop me.
it is only humane to get hurt and get better,
so i will continue to progress without stopping.

i feel like im losing control of my life.
i can sense the beginning of me losing the fight.
i expected to get better before i could get any worse
but what with all the drugs and the lack of recognition and self-worth

lack of motivation
i really have gone crazy
my actions have died lazy
and ive just been done chasing.

ill let life drag me into the tornado of the rest of us

people like me who lose to finding love

people like me who forget what they want.

its so hard to be the strongest one.

but its over,
i just want to have fun,
im not gonna try so hard, im done.

I would instantly break down from the soul
if you asked me
when was the last time i was ever happy
i couldnt see myself telling the truth
i'd have to pick a lie that would satisfy you
one that is convincing,
maybe a story behind it.
one that would make you believe i knew what you were asking.
if i knew what that was maybe i could tell you,
but im not sure what you mean,
that is one question for which i cannot help you.

Everything is fine and the world seems safe.
Til someone dies and a part of you is taken.
After that life all of you has changed.
You dont want to laugh any  more because it feels wrong,
And your favorite holiday becomes the most  hated.
Try to shower away the pain and the darkness.
Hoping one drop of water could bring back my heart again.
Washing away the clarity and exposing the ***** skin
Scars and cuts from places ive never been.
its hard to look up when im trying to look within
Trying to find something that'll  keep me from remembering
Trying to do whatever gets me by.
Stumbling forward but falling behind.
Its sad when you cant do anything to fix it.
But whats bad about that is it doesnt need fixing.
Death is to come to all of us
In what manner we wont know
Until it does and we have no choice but to let go.
Ive found my peace with my loss of you and i know that you are living.
Just because i can not see or hear or touch  you does not mean you are not present in spirit.
I dont have to see you
I dont have to touch  you
I dont have to hear you
I feel you.
You're in my thoughts and in my skin your name embedded in my pores
And i will never shed a tear of sadness as long as i am sure
That until i get visit of a lifetime that takes me away to where you are,
I know that your death was just humane and my life has grown in the absence of yours.

I wish my mom loved me.
I wish my brothers cared.
I wish my father was a dad
Who was always there.
I wish life had more ups
I mean im always going down.
I wish the overdose would **** my liver faster by now.

Now a days the truth is more than we wanted to know.

some people believe it,
some people dont.

Now a days acceptance is spreading quite fast,
it's becoming the foundation of how long we will last.

honesty will bring people to unimaginable lengths

honestly it has made me an irrational mess.

i wish that i could scream till my lungs would explode.
before i leave the world my truths shall be told.

everything fact i keep inside will leave everyone else exposed.

the truth is the truth is much more than you'll ever know.

this burden should not be mine it should be his.
i dont know what to do but what i dont want to do is live.

how has this fire destroyed me entirely

when he and i were both equally lit?

my whole life i believed in so many different things.
as i grew up i found more and more of them to be *******.

my whole life i was skeptical about whether or not i belong here.

and almost 19 years old i know that i dont.

i would never throw blame for anything i've ever done.
but the truth now a days will make you want to run.




if i need my veins to carry my blood
if i need my heart to beat for my life,
if my brain keeps me aware and all of this stops,
really is there any afterlife?

the truth is in my head and circles surround it.
those circles are destructive and i completely allowed it.

i cant believe i lasted almost 19 years long.
the truth beat me to death i know after that i cant go on.

What is the matter with me?!
I've lost my touch.
I've traded my ability to heal
For the ability to destruct.
Instead of supporting you,
I've robbed you of all trust.
Your confidence is in my yard of graves and dried, sad blood.
I used to be able to bring life to a corpse.
I used to teach  the power to love.
And now I set flames to all good that comes.
The lives and the emotions I have taken and destroyed...
They haunt my now, empty soul, they are impossible to avoid.
The red wine of my loved ones trails me everywhere i go.
And the only way to fix this is to admit to what i have done.
Accept the pain i have burned people with
To not reject the blame for what i, myself, have caused.
I pressed sorrow onto broken beings who are now more torn apart
They are what i created them to become.
And now it is i that holds all the weight of the impact
That i,
Myself have created
A foundation
For darkness to lurk and repeat itself.
I used to be able to bring sight to the blind.
Now, vision has been used to see things i would never have imagined in any form of life.
Seeing what i have done but blind to a solution...
I couldnt even tell you if there was enough time.
I think my chance has passed and i have completely murdered our race.
Because of this obsession of mine.
Not letting anyone in
To hurt me ever again
Has ultimately cost me
And i will pay until a new force begins
As i have to repent for my sins
And feel this
What ive done ... till the very end.

Sensing my sorrow
My genuine regret

Angels come down to save us once again.

Somewhere along the lines of the last 18 years
I became a different person
As i ask myself...
What happened here?
My feelings are naked and always exposed
My  thoughts attack me wherever i go
mostly
when i am alone
Maybe i shouldn't be so nice
Maybe i should buy my heart some clothes.

Lately ive been doing whats right
Thinking that if i dont someone will know
Patiently awaiting an award
From  life
For always being alone.

Somewhere when i changed from human to Frankenstein
I must've lost my heart and my mind
To the pains of the events of every day life
Every sad story could compare to mine
All they'd have to do is combine

That is where
I went wrong
Along the line

I was hurt
I was shocked
I was shaken
I was shot..

Somewhere along the life line...

I was never stopped.

And so i kept trying to end me

Kept reaching for the ending

To this line

That just goes on

And why

Did i have to be so strong...

Im looking for the peace to my rest that i may forever sleep in

Im looking for the key to the door of the room i will forever be in.

You broke my heart and it never healed.
I still feel the pain after all these years.
It's dying from the sorrow
It's gone blind from the darkness it stays under
I cry at the sound of your name
The thought of your face
I can't keep myself up I fall apart just like that
I wish I could have all of you back
All of us
And what we had.
I still reminisce about when you held me
When I held you
When we held each other.
You didn't let me go
I just wanted you close
That's how we went to sleep and that's how we awoke.
My eyes opened
Your arms around  me
The sound of your voice talking about your dream
The dream that made you so upset
I just listened to every word you said.
I can never forget .
When you Gave up so easy I heard the gun go BOOM.
Bullet shot me dead in the center through and through.

I want to cry for you but then I remember
You only wanted me from august till September
I wanted you for as long as I could breathe
I fell in love with you but your heart it just runs free.
I wish I knew how to make you love me.
But if being without me makes you happy,
My heart will continue to die till I do.
And if you ever should come back to me
We would be revived and still belong to you.

You were like fire.
Spread across my heart burning every part,
No one could put you out.
Not even me.
You were like fire.
Sending me to my grave.
Ashes instead of flesh
Burn victim could not be saved.
No controlling this deadly flame.
Oh Jesus I'm calling your name.
This fire can never be tamed.
Ohh lord please someone help me.
Call the fire department
Tell them my whole world is melting.
Beneath death I am covered.
Buried 8 feet under.
I'm calling quits on my guarded wall,
I'm giving in to my lover.

I lie here in bed
Motionless
But not lifeless.

There is nothing inside my head
But it is far
From silent.

Visuals growing vivid
Racing and changing
Randomly taking me from one place to another.

Numbness and weakness
Total tranquility
Seeing new faces
New beings
New color.

My breathing sinks
Falling in rhythm with the sounds
Of peace...

I feel
Like I have left this world
And come to a place just for me...

My heart is asking me
"Where is the pain?"
It, too, has been relieved
Of the grip of suffering.

My eyes cant help
But to remain closed
I, myself
Feel quite composed.
My mind senses that I could not further.

In the darkness
So it broke me
From the chains of ******.

Everything I wanted and believed
As a child
Violated and seized
Then, for a long while...
I could never see
Beyond my broken pieces

My mind has set me free
And has shown me
What
To believe in

The whole world shut down

Swallowed by darkness.

And how come in this pitch black
He sparkles like stars then?

I can look up and down but can't take my eyes off him

He rocks my soul to sleep just listening to him talking.

I love his voice and his gorgeous eyes,

Like looking over the sea at the sun rise

I stare in awe completely memorized,
And

I can't explain the energy inside.


When I found him I lost my mind

I won't be looking for it for a very long time.

I want the world to be dark for the rest of my life

He is the one star I look up to every night

As long as he's up there I know this is life.

;;;;;;n[4mnbjjjjsssssf

Isolated
Surrounded by water.
No one but me and the friends i can not see.
Once visible
Transformed into energy.
The sun always keeping the sand under heat.
Open skies
Enormous nights
Sounds of the natural world to be heard
Trees, clear oceans and home in sight.
All i want to hear is wind singing to me
All i want to feel is the water waving through me
Wetting my hair and allowing me to wish
I could spend eternity in this
Nothing but the rocks and open field
Setting me to imagine all of this could be real.
This is what i want to be
Free
Alone but not really
Alone
This is where i want to be
Home
I'd love
To go
Home
If i cant see you
Come with me.

sitting on the floor under the tunnel of murdered love.
are we ready for this .. again?
smoking the cigarette down to the ****..
wishing the night had just begun
but it's come to an end.
have we?
or are we strong enough to keep going.
**** him or be dragged to death
silence the crowd in my head.
close your eyes and feel what i feel.
my heart bleeding through my chest.
open wound in my little *****,
a wound that'll never close again.
i broke myself reaching out to you.
i chose this hell im coming down to you.
i'll never forget how your love makes me sin.
or the way you make my darkness grin.
piece back together whats left of me that is alive.
put out this fire that has burned all of me inside.
your love is an energy that controls me in all its power.
i want to wake up from this marriage of ours.
take half take it all i want nothing of you back.
you destroyed the colors i could see and made everything all black.
except for the white blood that i bleed when i remember what we had.
my heart rips open from my hands
i thought i could live without you but i cant.
i live no life if we are not together.
heart beats inside but a funeral forever.
broken wings and absent halo/
i lost it somewhere on the way home/
through your arms and to your heart,
if light is beyond you i'll die in the dark.

Has this ever happened to you?
Strange that it happened to me...
I came across a stranger I never thought I'd meet.
Stranger has a journal
Stranger let me read
And inside of those pages seemed every word was written to me.
Yet I had never met this soul a second of my life.
Seems they have written  a response to my every move over time,
Wrong or right,
Stranger knows me.
Stranger apparently not,
Journal showed me...
What do I do now?
With this feeling I have for them?
If I carry it out I'll surely lose again.
There's a pattern in that journal
I make the same mistake that hurts me
So naive I just fall free into anybody's arms who I seem open up,
And when they close and I hit the ground and I break I want to give up.

Stranger told me

Stranger knows me

No need to think inside.

"I already know things, you dont have to hide, I wrote everything. I know your kind".

Feels like 3 days but its only been one.

Feels like my place in darkness is done.
Feel like my face is finally enough and my ways are actually going up.


I know better
Its too good to be true.
It didn't happen to me
Maybe it'll happen to you.

Standing here in my all white dress.
Heart beating right out of my chest.
Looking into the mirror and knowing what's in it.
A broken soul i couldnt fix in an instant.
So i Vow to you, myself, and I
That i will pick you up from every side
I wasnt planning on saying these vows aloud
I just wanted them to be lived,
But i want you to know that im tired of hurting you,
im tired of being hurt myself
it's time that i tend to you and nourish you
its time that i be here not to wound you but to help.
let me put you back together
let us be one again
i was against you forever
now i hope to do the opposite.
i'm not marrying you because im selfish
because im arrogant
i am none of that.
i am simply marrying you because i want to help you grow
i want to celebrate you for what you are
how far you came and to let you know
that through all the pain i will help you let go,
i want to be the only one to make you better
so i can be the only one to blame when you're worse
at least then i can control all the effort
and know that none of it will be taken advantage of.
and you can celebrate you and us
anytime you win
anytime you want.

no more feeling like you're alone when you're not
no more getting in the way of myself.
i want to see myself aspire and accomplish more than what i have
i want to celebrate and not destroy myself i want to have all i can have

i want to make myself happy and not depend on anyone else
i will promise to you if no one is there you have myself.

you're beautiful no matter what i think and that's something i'll show you again,
my vows are not just words or promises they are a lifestyle you and i will live,
together forever just the one of us no more pain

one day when someone realizes your worth,
we can get married again.

It's been a year since he took you from the world and still I can't see you ever being gone...
I wish that I could take my beating heart and place it in your lifeless body,
bring you back with bleeding arms just to show me you are alive and embodied,
I wish that I could give my lungs to you,
The ones he shot the bullet through,
So you can breathe and be , just to be, but BE,
Don't be dead... just be...
I hate thinking about the truth because the truth is we lost you...
If you have a soul and you really did go ,
you passed on that's all i want to know...
Just that you're okay and you're not hurting to this day,
I don't want to believe that you're just lying in a coffin under the ground people walk on and i dont want to believe that that was the end ...
of you...
i want to put my hand on your chest and feel something ,
i want to see your face and be able to read it... living...
i need to know that you're still alive in some sense...
and since my life hasnt gotten any better,
i think i'll come to you.
to give you my heart and my lungs to use...
i dont want to believe anything about death.
i want to know you're at peace but in reality you're dead.
when i talk to you do you hear me?
when i smile at you do you see me?
when i call your name 50 times a day,
do you come to me to relieve me?
of this empty endless pain....
i just want to know...
that you
are okay...
i dont think i'll be able to read this over without a whole meltdown moving closer,
and i dont want to do that but how can i not?
i've just been through this so many times...

i dont want to make you sad
i dont know if you can see this but if you can,
i love you and i want you to know one thing...
it'll always be
"live on",
never
"rest in peace".
i feel like the loss arrested me... and im in prison awaiting release.
the way your death affected me is like i got smashed to un-fixable pieces..
i never thought i could be destroyed but he did...
when i found out what he did and that what he did could never be fixed...
i want to go to the end of the world and jump off of the highest cliff.
feel my body falling fast and death approaching faster.
nothing to catch me but life that comes after...
and when i see your face again i know that i am home...
and that what was taken from all of us was never really gone.

With my knife in my hands
in plain sight
i dont give a ****
you're going to die.
pay for what you did to me
I can never get back what you took from me
I'm coming after you tonight
And you dont even know it.
off to Tabor ave
she goes
with everything she has
he owes
she will take what he should have that night
i swear to god you should have taken my life
out front before the building you took me into.
i lost my sanity im just waiting for you.
staring into the future
yet remembering what you did here.
i was naive i was vulnerable
i was stupid to think you were harmless
Never again will you hurt another soul
i have to make sure i end you.
the darkness wont let go
and neither will i
until i see your face again
and raise my knife as high
high as i can with full force push through
pushing all of this world out of you.
part of me feels ready and knows exactly what to do.
the other part isnt so sure i wont break down to tell the truth.
all i want is to deliver pain
to the man who destroyed me
you should have killed me instead of ****
they wont see me as a murderer , but a vigilante.

If i reached down into your skull through your eye sockets
What would i be pulling out if not brains and blood?
If i reached deeper and went for your heart would your soul be stained to my hands as well?
You say you worry im giving up
so i just want to get in touch
With who you are inside
If i really wanted id like to just feel whatever is right .
Its only fair that if im considered
Insane
I dissect a sane mind.

Im tired of seeing **** and not being able to do anything about it.
Im tired of being here on earth
Where the solution to a problem
Creates more problems
People say **** just to make you think they would if they could solve it
But they dont solve ****
They dont even try
They watch and they comment and they hear you cry
Imagining if it were them
Thankful that it isn't
Just saying whatever lie
Is best convincing.
I'm sick of this ******* world  and i can't wait to leave it.
I think about all the freedom from this hell of a life I've been given
The world is the worst place to be
Maybe not for you but without a doubt for me
More power to you if you love to live life
I, on the other hand will be on the other side.

Why
Do i
Cause so much pain
To me
you see
i lose but never gain
Family
is supposed to be
family
but not to me
they're the ones who hurt me the most
even more
than i
ever could alone.
its easier to cry than it is to laugh.

its easier to say bye than it is to lend a hand

its easy to wonder why when you're the victim in the case
but when you're the suspect
its easier to be chased

whether you get caught depends on what you do

clean up,
dont waste time,
get in, get out, move.

sometimes the worst gets the better of me too

feels like i land on the sun every time i aim for the moon

and i end up burning to death feeling like the heat just grew.
if only i knew.
it would be this way.

i never
ever
would have saved

myself

that day,
those days
back then

back when
failure followed every attempt

to take myself away from this world.
one day i'll be where i was trying to go

one day i'll see nothing but darkness

one day i really will be all alone.

life just seems to only get harder

and whether i'll last long is something i just dont know.
my thoughts are running around and i keep telling them to stop

i yell and throw all my belongings around

i try to be normal i try not to exist

i try to be happy i dont want to be like this.

im ****** up in every way and no one can help.

i dont know how the **** im gonna make it by myself.

Was that a dog?
Was it a pair of feet?
Was it real?
Or was it me?

The actors in the show aren't acting,
They're real.
There's no producer no casting,
And I feel,

I feel every thing that happens,
And it's like I'm going through it.
Even when the show ends,
replay and it's like new again.


What was i just doing?

I can't stay still my mind keeps on moving.

am I dead?
Am i alive?
is this my after life?
Can people see me?
Am i here?
i fear nothing but fear.


I cant be alone,
these two will **** each other.
it's hard to have so many personalities
one cant escape another.

papers
clothes
trash
everywhere

my thoughts
my feelings
buried somewhere under there

my voice
is overcome
by more voices
than one

mine is the weakest

schizophrenia is so hard to love.

maybe thats why no one does.

maybe thats why im not wanted.

depressed for a week \
happy for a day
suicidal for 3 years
i just want to go away

i cant control my thoughts
i cant control my actions
i cant help whats wrong

matter of fact who can then?

feels like no one.

medicine and hospitals
i know thats where ill end up
wont be the first time you know.

second,
third,
i really dont even care
i hate it so much on the outside what does it matter if i get locked up there?

mood swings
heavy
so heavy the metal bends

bipolar girl gets worse
she's all ****** up in the head.

i want to **** myself
obviously not enough to have done it
ive tried so many times but every time just wasnt working

pills
syrup
poison
cuts
suffocation
hanging
and i still wont give up

why me why cant i

fly free

like i was supposed to

why must i go through

life being;

so sick and poisoned

im a sweet girl

because of my sickness youd never know it.

it gets worse over time and my mind just keeps on showing.

im forgetting how to spell
where i left my keys
i'm forgetting how i fell
where i left my ID

did i do that
did it happen?
was it a dream?
did i imagine?

whats happening?
what is life?

none of this is real
its all a lie.

i cant help it
twisted mind
i wish i was normal
sickness of mine.