this generation
love's been dead for a while.
     No one knows hows to tell the truth.
If you just want *** you just want to have fun,
Thats fine by me i'll follow that rule.

   but when im alone
and unhappy
    when im upset and no one knows

i wish i had someone to come get me

and hold me so ******* close...

i wish i knew someone i could call

2 hours before the sun rises

come to my rescue before i go crazy
     sit with me and we'll watch the horizon.

i wish i could meet someone who made me feel comfortable and safe
   to make me believe in trust when he's away
he could be my best friend and i his
and we could better each other 'cause that's what life is.

i would say i love you and mean it to death
he'd be the only thought i have in my head

all i want is to have love i can feel
i really just want something real.

i'd do anything for him,
anything he asks,
we'd have our own secrets
we'd share our own laughs.

we'd have all types of times
good and bad

i'd never leave his side or let go of his hand.

he'd be my only desire
the rest of our lives begin down the isle.
then i shed that pretty white dress in the closet



i want something that is real.
not one doubt about it.

your eyes


transparent pupils

black irises

i can see the world through your sclera.

Like a mirror it reflects and shows me


not only what you see


but what the world doesnt .

i'd never hurt you but if i could

i'd cut you open to see what pours out.




maybe it heals right back up.

maybe you bleed white blood.


you dont have a heart that beats like mine.


your love is power that can be felt
and when i feel it i become paralyzed


but leave me powerless i want your love.



as if you knew me another time and i have no recollection



like you created my desires and the way i crave affection.




you're unique in yourself and your strength overtakes me.


i want to be the only one you build on, you cant replace me.




when i laid my head on your chest


my heart beat stopped and i lost every breath


i sunk into your energy and your body took me in.


your mind controlled my happiness and your love let me live.




without you i would lose everything i could ever win.





you are a force i could never go against.




insanity is normality and you make me feel....



i dont want this to end for as long as you are real.


you guide me towards a smile and that smile is always here.



but without you i'm left misguided, lost and no where near.




you can hear, see and affect me and the only way i know


is because you're the only creature who could do that with all your senses off.



if the world flooded tonight i dont know how to swim.




but i'd be breathing just fine as through your power i shall live.


you are a beautiful structure that i just cant resist to love.
if i never get to understand you i'll just understand you are the one.


you are so flawless i can stare at you forever,


i'll never get tired of seeing what keeps me together.

what's crazy yet amazing is you are completely humane.



yet foreign inside,


i can not tell from where you came.




all i know is you hit me and the force knocked me dead.


but i woke up and there i was,
my head lay on your chest.

My thoughts are clouding the core of my skull

I can feel the storm coming but there's no where to go.
Shelter is beyond reach in my world where the suffering never sleeps and the pain never dies.

I hate it here.
I feel wasted here.
   Time isn't measured on this planet it just goes by.

And I sit here I never move because even if I do I stay behind.
Miles of space devoured by darkness,
All alone in this place I hate to say I can't take it but the energy it takes to fake it goes passed the skies, and...

I just ask myself why...

I choose to stay and die here.

When I so clearly have no need for existence or being alive here,

People... they offer help.
      They see me struggling by myself.

But when I accept it and let them in they turn around and walk away and leave me in this grave...

And I'm left more broken than before,
Emotions fall in their coffins once more,

I am silent as a corpse,
But my silence lies beneath much more...

My tears are loud and so ******* heavy.

I look in the mirror and whisper "please let me"...
Let me take you away let me show you a place where the look on your face isn't always the same,
The same look of sadness expressing how unhappy,
how abandoned and torn apart you are let me show you what could happen,
When you let what you imagine become what really happens,
And you make this ****** world the only place where you are happy.

i remember when my life was simple.
when i had everything to live for.

i place my ******* on my chest
right under my left breast
feel my heart beating but i dont want it to any more.
i want the life i had before.

i wish that i could just do it.
the knife is pressing my skin but wont go through it.
what is scaring me more than to continue living?
the pain?

letting go of what i know i hate doing?
life...

what's keeping me from leaving it?
that i can't come back to it or that i'll be bleeding then?

blood makes it real,
blood will make me feel,
and by then it would be too late.
my life all over the blade.

what's stopping me, i mean really?
i really want to go, right?

or do i want to stay and just live a better life?
that's the problem.
i dont know how to make it better.
i just want the life i had, i want the life that i remember.

this isn't easy.
it'll sound crazy.
but i can not pretend anymore.
i don't belong here.
i have no desire for anything.
i don't hold onto anything.
i let go of everything and care about nothing.
the relationships with my brothers and sisters
are the only things keeping me to stay.
had i not known them my whole life
by now i would have taken it away.
i fear to do that to them
to burden them with that loss and pain
but the truth about me is that as long as i'm alive i will never  be happy
i will never be okay.
i do smile, and i do laugh.
I do love, and i give thanks.
i do appreciate, and have perfect moments.
but i dont want to continue at all i dont want this.
while you mourn death i mourn my birth.
the day i was taken from where i was born first.
since i was a little girl i had this feeling inside
i never wanted to be here i never wanted a life.
i am a soul who desperately wants to go...
back to where i belong, back home...
i dont want to have a job i dont want to go to school
i dont want to wake up in 10 years with things im responsible for.
i dont have a passion or a purpose here
ive always felt this way that's how i know that it is real.
even being happy i just dont want to live.
if i didnt have to take my life there is nothing i wouldnt give.
i was always asking him
please take me with you.
bring me where you are,
i want to come with you.
i never understood why a child should want to die.
especially feeling the desire with no reason why.
if im this suicidal how come i'm still alive?
believe me i have tried,
i've tried so many times.
maybe he doesnt want me there yet,
maybe i have not done the work...
the job i was set out to do, unfortunately, when i was born.
or maybe he has to be the one to take me there
maybe i shouldnt go on my own.
you may think i'm stupid,
or too depressed,
or just insane.
but i promise you i've tried to do normal things.
my mind doesn't change.
i've found happiness before
i've had goals and plenty more.
deep down inside it's still the same,
i want to open up that door.
i cant imagine how this may sound to someone who doesnt understand.
but what happens when you're put somewhere and you just KNOW this feeling you have,
it's so strong it's almost like communication from my past
the energy i used to be,
before it became my turn to do the task.
i feel like before we were all here we were in this peaceful place.
and everyone must be chosen to take the challenge and run the race.
it's not about winning
or how fast you go
or even finishing.
it's about experiencing the form of life
can you get passed the puddle without slipping...
i think i've proven myself
i can handle anything in life.
i've been tortured with every pain you could possibly feel inside.
i feel like i know things about how life goes and what works and what wont,
i just cant stop feeling like i dont belong here i just dont....
im not sad right now im not trying to sound crazy...
the truth about me is i miss the world where i was created.

I like open skies with many stars
I like clear oceans and lonely bars
I love watching animals attack their prey
I like to sleep so long i skip the whole day.
I like the feeling of having nothing to do
Not being bored but not feeling blue
Just relaxing and enjoying the sound of nothing
I like to take my  time i dont like rushing
I like eating food that tastes real good
Even though itll **** me i love it still
I love to lay outside and watch the birds fly above me
I love to think that one day id find life itself lovely.

i dont know how to describe this feeling..

of being lost.
of being a disappointment
being wrong.
an example of why the generation before me is disappointed.

i feel like there is no where i belong.

and as long as i am here i will continue to feel this

but theres nothing to do because emotions are fearless

they dont care who you are or what youve been through

they excite and hurt and completely control you.

no matter what i try to do....

i cant help but feel like i just belong dead with you.

I have a voice
And it speaks
But silence
Speaks louder
I have a heart
That bleeds
Bleeds love
But inside there's,
Something
Like a weakness
My voice becomes stronger
And my love
Stops bleeding
You will hurt me
No longer.

and yet another sad poem.
because i cant seem to fix my problems.
because the issues that i have i cant do anything about them.
i wish that i were someone else.
i couldnt just be normal, could i?
and people offer to help but they only say it they dont mean it at all.
i do for everyone to make them happy,
maybe they'll love me maybe they'll thank me,
instead they send me away and as much as it hurts i still care and give them all my effort...
i dont want to live any more no i dont.
i dont want to give any more of my self.
i dont want to live any more i just cant...
i want to end it right now but love is holding my hand,
telling me please, stay,
dont hurt your family.
but what about them they never care if they hurt me...
why should i stay?
when i feel no value at all.
worthless,
i dont deserve this,
i pick myself up when i fall
because no one else will help me.
i dont have a purpose.
if serving people is all im good for,
its just not working.
i love to care and i love to make them happy.
but when they tear me apart in return i cant help but want to die.
and when i do they'll say they miss me and of course theyll wonder why.
i dont know what awaits me if there is another side,
but i know i'll find out soon because im running out of time.
i cant seem to be worthy of caring for no matter how hard i try.
i dont know how or when i'll go but when i do i hope they'll be alright.

"If only we could have 3 wishes".
You could have as many wishes as you want.
Granted wishes, not so much.

Dont ask me questions when you wont believe my answers.
Why tell me one thing and actually mean another
I cant simplify this life to something that makes sense to me
Everything that happens in it makes me want to run away
The only happiness i can find is when im under the influence
I cant take this life of mine without someone to influence it.
Someone needs to help me
I cant help myself
Work with me just tell me
What to do to get out of this hell.
Take me away and ill do as you say
Tell me youll never leave my side
Maybe one day you can part ways
When i am finally truly alright.

This feeling is the worst feeling in the world.
To live some place and not feel at home.
I come to my mothers house and the feeling only grows.
Thought i would feel better but i only get worse.
If i dont feel at home anywhere
Why am i here
I dont want to be here
I have no family
No friends
No love
No care for what the future consists of.
I dont have care for anything
I try to find happiness in everything
But i always fail
And i always feel
Like i know exactly where it is that i belong.
But to get there
I must take
The one thing that i have every day
My life
And i know
That fear has something to do
With why
I havent tried
Hard enough to actually persue
Death.
But that fear has gone a while ago
I have tried honestly harder than i ever have before
And still i can not get back home
Im at the bus stop waiting for the lights to show
I just want to go where i feel i belong....
Somewhere where i dont feel this anymore.

i wonder what they would feel if i were shot dead today.
i wonder would i still be here or is the afterlife overrated. ..
i know some people who will use my death for publicity
I remember thinking "**** no one misses me"
But that'll change when im gone

Is that truth or hope speaking?
Im not sure anymore.

Happiness and love are feelings i emote

Pretending i could actually feel those things when i know
deep down inside ive always been the darkest force

A movement within me is drawn to my own corpse.
to see myself lying there being lowered down six levels
with people crying and some tears are fake but ill let them
it excites me to think i will actually be celebrated
even if that means i wouldnt be there to celebrate it.
buried away for the world to only remember
even though im sure ill soon be forgotten

all that i need is one moment in the center

To feed the need for love and affection

If im dead will i get the recognition and the distance to close in?

If i get shot dead today
will i ever be missed?

I tried to be mean
Because i grew tired of being sweet
Having no one be as nice to me
But it didnt work
Because it isnt me.
The mask of smiley has fallen off
And ugly exposed to all
Tears that are 18 years old
Blood that used to be red chipping off.
I tried to be nice
Because being mean i was sure
Made me myself feel very poor
But then i realize it gets me no where
And still i continue to go there
Pick the mask up
Back on my face
Cover the years worth of pain
Keep on dragging myself through life
Wishing i didnt have to choose mean or nice
Wishing i could just feel better inside...

Your soul; all its liberation.
Amorphous,
I see it in my dreams in the form of its purity.
Crystalline.
I can never catch it
But it captures me.
My only caprice is to love and chase after it.
The feeling I feel from all your presence;
Your dulcet soul
Encompassing me,
I am enraptured, and can not let go,
You're the light
You are ethereal.
The energy you bring to me is exuberant.
Finally
I've found my felicity.
And I am free.
The way you just exist in your form ,
On your own
Incorporeal in your world.
Thanks for letting me in.
You fly and so naturally just exist,
Contentedly pleasing,
So beautifully incandescent.
In all my dreams where you are my vision,
I see you absolutely quiescent.
All your raidiance giving me what I needed.
I can't find on earth
What I find in you.
You in your power defying gravity,
In a sapphire mist, in your own portion of the world, where darkness never lives
Nor visits.
A place so serene,
That is why I only see you in my dreams.
When I am somnolent, and bound to fall down and lay silent,
Witnessing your spherical tranquility with no vestige when I awake,
You take me to my highest point when I am destined to break.
You are transcendent and truly amazing.
I love you in all your lilt sussuration.

no matter how silently i try to cry
i have very loud tears
i hold my mouth and it hurts to breathe
you dont know the hurt ive found here
you're gone away and i had to stay
i beg you but do you hear me?
i apologize through all the crying i cant speak clearly

i just want you back
i want you and the fact that i cant have you is what kills me.

no matter how quiet i try to be
your silence overpowers me.

The time has come
The heat
must
Run
The leaves
Leave
Their trees
Winter is slowly coming
Get ready
For the
Heavy
Scarves and bundles of warmth
Summer is running
Winter brings snowmade forts
Sparkly snow
If you look real close
You can see the tiny lights glow
Happiness grows
Even in the
cold
I can already taste the hot coacoa.

The bright white nights
The light pink skies
The dreadful early mornings
I love the winter time.

usually when i write a poem i take some time to think.
but putting words together to describe you comes naturally.
there arent enough words in any or every language that could capture what i've witnessed.
knowing you for a day has truly shown me what i've been missing.
i cant think of anyone who could compare to you in any way,
you're unique, you are amazing, you are completely different.
part of me is afraid, and feels almost foolish to trip so soon,
but i hold no shame and i will not waste an opportunity to be closer to you.
from here it could go anywhere,
i never know what will happen.
But at least i know
that at least i hope
to be somewhat of something you've imagined.
I wish that technology were more advanced these days
So i could search your heart on a map and begin to make my way.
behind your color changing eyes and your perfectly structured face,
is a mind i'd love to know like a book, from the first to the very last page.
if romance had a reason to not be an option for you and i,
i promise i would still never leave your side
whether a friend, or more, or in between
I'd take any position to be in your life.
you are amazing.

I feel like I've broken down
I've become a brand.
I'm all sold out.
And people buy with short hands.

my breath smells like my mouth is made of alcohol.
my eyes are low and i cant walk.
i just did what i had to in order to feel wanted
i just did what i can do to feel worthy.

all my life i've tried to keep people who dont love me.
and my product is wasting all over the place.
i need to clean it up but there's too much to do.
i just sit here and watch my business break.

the fact that you did what you did and i couldnt stop it

makes me cry

makes me want to die..

a feeling so disgusting
no amount of soap or water could sanitize.

the fact that i trusted you and you held me down while you slit my innocence,

i broke apart and the suicidal feeling becomes infinite.

what you did.

Laying in an abandoned car outside of my house.
Wondering and trying to figure out what everything is about.
It can't be that complicated, what if life is really simple?
You get up, you survive and you move forward little by little.
The trees are wet from the rain I brought down,
They're waving at me as the wind dries them out.
My heart ripped open and all that was poured was pure poison,
It's the venom I use to keep myself from being used,
I feel like I'm gonna relapse and fall in love with this dude,
But he's not right for me and I'm no good for him.
We'd only **** each other till the world ends.
I wish I could be normal but my mentality is so lost,
And everything I think of is almost always wrong.
People don't get me,
I'm sure my parents regret me,
I know I could keep going but my heart won't let me.
It's falling apart and it's getting even harder to pretend when no one will accept me.
Marijuana keeps me alright and I haven't had it in a week.
I tried to change for this boy who doesn't even like me.
I should've known better I don't like to be clean.
I want to be as influenced as possible till my blood turns green,
Like the **** like the money like all the finer things.
But that doesn't appeal to me in reality.
I just want someone who will Still love me after they've been mad at me.
Power and hopelessness fight in my mind.
And I can't seem to referee no matter how hard I try.
The rules are always broken and one of them always dies,
Hopelessness wins and I'm left here to wonder and figure out why.

light up my whole life.

with you i can only go right.

embedded in my heart is a feeling i'll never stop feeling

i've said it before and i'll keep on repeating

y o u

light up my whole life.