You came back into my life and I couldn’t take the pain
I love you even more
Yet your feelings for me wane
You used to feel the same
And it makes me feel insane that I still feel this way
Just ******* **** me
There’s no other way

You stole my heart with your silver tongue
with a voice so sweet from your crimson lungs
I beg for a day when my dreams don't consist of you
I lose sleep looking into your eyes, light blue
What's worse is the feeling that you'll never be mine
so I drown my heart in a bottle of wine
No liquor can remove the taste of your lips
or the warmth of my cheeks when your hands touch my hips
Maybe I'll forget how you laugh and you smell
but they pain you brought me... I'll take that with me to Hell

I’m sorry my love
But it has to be done
The clouds have moved in
I’m no longer your sun
My heart is aching
At the thought of what was
My will is breaking
...
I’ve just had enough

You slowly forget little things about me
I’d never forget the way you move through air
I’d remember for the rest of my life how you sit so poised and elegantly
The melody of your voice soothes me and I can’t help but stare
I’ll never forget your lovely hands or the way you once touched my hair

You call me names in your fits of rage
You say you don’t mean it in order to save face
And it hurts me to say I believe my new names
And I always tell myself that I am to blame
So as we go each title is a little more hurtful
Beating my bruised heart beyond black and purple
I attempt to say “please stop”
But that only causes my stomach to drop
Because the anger in your eyes is frightening
And each electric word is like a flash of lightening
I’m scared to stand up for what I deserve
I suppose I’ll continue to work up the nerve

Walking on water like a melancholy messiah
I'm on top but I'm not standing I'm sinking and drowning and my constant frowning leaves people asking, "are you okay?"
I'm fine, so I just say
That I'm living the daily dream
While in my head I constantly scream at the top of my Limbic Lobe lungs
Lungs filled with the water I supposedly stand on
A Holy Baptism bubbling inside me
My reverse Rapture to a Heaven upside down
Down down down
Sieze it and bring it down like a crooked crown
A king crucifying his kingdom with his lack of wisdom
Educated but none the wiser
Penny pinching money miser
Minimizing the gravity of the situation
Brushing it off when someone says they need a vacation
I know my station in this dismal world but my lights are dimming and my eyes are skimming the white washed walls for a way to get out but there's no way out and I can't understand what it is about this dreary place that leaves me feeling so in pain
It's insane how no one believes the things you say
Because "that's just the sarcastic way kids talk now-a-days"
Actually no when I say it I mean it and you don't have to dream it to see it come true
I'm talking to you, don't you see that the water filling my chest cavity overflows out of my eyes and I mask it with lies like, "oh I think I have a branch in my eye. Or it's just allergies"
I'm on the edge of my metaphorical ledge
Being nudged closer and closer
I'm the composer of my own sorrowful symphony
I'm more of a poser a bulldozer and situation imposer
An impostor by nature
Growing giant and gaunt green leaves that are speckled with disease
The type that sway in the breeze and are pulled apart by the lightest touch
A touch of pure bliss your poisonous taste on my lips leaves me begging for a cure
Something crystal and pure to clear my tainted pallet
A liquid ballad hydrating my veins slipping down my throat like a garden snake or a cobra because the words that cleanse me are the ones that end me and I choke on the cacophony of your cream filled words and sugar dusted desires
None of which inspires me to do anything except destroy myself
I work to employ myself with time consuming tasks
And no one has to ask me twice to do anything
Because I'm just too nice and I guess that's the price you pay for demonstrating your Holy Christian vice
Let me give you some advice
Don't take anything from anyone
I don't mean things
I mean words and letters that tear you apart and put snags in your favourite sweaters
Each vowel repeating like an owl wondering who who who could be drowning me in my own freeing fountain
I've climbed every mountain to get where I am
I am who I am
Each consinent a consistent reminder of my internal inadequacy
The inadequacy you gave me
The way you made me
The concoction of cosmos you used to create me
But you wanted to add a touch of imperfection and with your clumsy omnipotent hands you dropped the bottle and it all poured into me
And I'm left here with a shattered mirror and a it couldn't be clearer that I'm not what you wanted me to be
"Abide in me and I in you"
But how can I abide in you when you aren't there for me
When you don't answer me
When you let the floods rage within me and you won't part the sea
Don't you see that the flowing water is slowly killing me
But it's you
Your eyes staring into mine but you're not really there
You're no longer part of me like you once were
You don't care
I don't call your name the way I once did
Where were you?
Where are you?
Where am I?
I plead to the sky
The empty barren sky and shriek at its white puffy ashes
The all encompassing vastness of a hollow place
Knock at the gates but no one is home
Did humans create God because they felt so alone?
I can't answer that question
And time in succession to me will struggle just as fondly with the vicious cycle of faith and faithless
To bathe in the endless curiosity
Spinning at a sickening velocity
Wondering where the Lord's generosity suddenly vanished
Like the king who was banished from his own castle
Biting from that forbidden apple
Begging for forgiveness
But nothing except silence rings through the air
Wondering where He could've gone
Only to stare and glare into empty space
I'm scared
Because every living thing dies alone
With nothing to remember them but thick slabs of stone
Nothing but a waste
I've been placed to face the void
Laced with the inability to erase the sins I'm paying for
Salivating for one more taste of that juicy core
Hoping to explore what might lie beyond that gilded door
I'll get back to you one day Lord and I'll even the score
So don't start a war because I'll be armed with my emotional Peace Corps
Leave your arms open and the light house beaming at your shore because I know I will see you again
And although I don't know when, I hope you'll accept me and ask where I've been

Burning inside is a fire worth harboring
A flame so high the sky feels it’s heat
No ray of sunlight could match the intensity of the girl radiating fire
In her wake wades destruction and suffering soon ensues

But the girl made of embers with flares of solar light lights up the dimmest days and dispels the darkest nights

So the lady with her bright red heart walked for miles and miles with no one beside her
She feared they had left because of her boiling touch and was worried her personality was a little too much
And the fire encapsulated all that drew near it
The cries of those harmed were inaudible for her to hear it
The crackling of her skin warmed the air and her feet charred the ground
She attempted to tiptoe but each step made volcanic sound

Soon she sat all alone, isolated, lost from home
Her penetrating tears absorbed oxygen as they hit the rubble
She cried and wondered why she was nothing but trouble

But a boy soon approached made of water and ice
Who got too close to the fire girl and by touching her paid the price
He screamed and part of his old self melted into puddles then to vapor
He realized he couldn’t live without her so he did his best to save her
He sacrificed it all
For this risky girl

She tried to push him away but his persistence was strong
She told him time after time that what he is doing was wrong
But this now glistening man grabbed for her hand
And the once dangerous girl breathed a sigh of relief
And her once grand flames became minuscule and brief
He held her as she whimpered and begged to be free
She missed her lonely flames but feared more what she’d be

An obsidian shell encased her from her head to her feet
She ruined the ice man and his life for eternity
She wanted to get close to him but he was scared and ran from her hurriedly

Unsure what to do she stood still quietly
Could a love ever burn for two opposing elements
Or are they always equipped for battle putting on there helmets

He stopped and looked back at the now cooling flame
He noticed her calm nature and thought she was tame

Scared to venture further she pulled back ever so slightly and he knew she was timid
The defenses were dropped and her walls all shattered
Her deep insecurity was left as everything else scattered

Walking to her slowly he extended his arm
Hoping she was unable to do any harm
He trusted her greatly and stood his ground stately

With two rapid blinks she looked in confusion
No one had ever kindled her flame and she wondered if it was all a delusion
Reluctantly she matched his gesture of love
And prayed that she wouldn’t mess this one up

So the two stood hand in hand at the edge of the chaos
They chose to walk the thin line between fantasy and reality
Letting nothing subdue them except the sheer force of gravity
Together these two beings
Although wildly different
Knew something drew them together
So they continued their journey not knowing the path
Not caring about the destination or finding a map
They knew as long as they had each other
That there was nothing they wouldn’t do to be by one another
Her less harmful flame merely simmered his heart
He kept her at bay despite the influence of her day
She always kept him warm and vowed never to let go
No matter if she was the hot summer day or he was the graceful winter snow

If the world is water
Then I am the flame
If something goes wrong
I am always to blame
I fear for my life
In this miserable place
I wonder at night
If I’m merely a disgrace

In empty moments I cry
Tears made of ash
And in the mornings
They litter the floor like trash

No one is interested
No one cares to see
That the fire burning inside
Is what makes me, me

I try to convince them
That I’m worth the fight
I may burn you in the end
But in the dark I am your light

The world was water
And I was fire
With each unbelievable obstacle
My flames grew higher

But you were my fuel
My burning desire
Now with every day
My leaves grows dryer

Yet the water snuffs it
And my flames grow tired

I think of you in every hour
And with every site of gorgeous flower
I try to forget the happiness you brought
But in my saddest moment that is the greatest thought
It brings a smile to my face, what we used to be
How undeserving of you I was and only now can see
I have no words that can express this best
Except, you’re the last thought as I lay my head to rest

I have a dilemma in heart and mind
My brain to me is so unkind
Do I suppress my evil thoughts
With a measly prescription, store bought?
I’m staying strong for him
But some days depression wins
And my anger bubbles up
So instead I wash it down with a cup
Of water and a little nauseating pill
It’s blue and powerful, it often makes me ill
I worry to start again
Because I could barely stop back then
It’s not worth the toll
So I flush them down the toilet bowl

Here I am laying, filling my head
At 3 A.M rerunning every word I have said
I suppose my tears are the blood from my soul
Happy or sad it overflows out of me and I can’t seem to feel whole
I don’t want to die anymore because things aren’t too bad
But I’m tired constantly and I miss my mom and dad
That’s the thing about being an adult
You make the tough decisions yourself and if they’re wrong it’s your fault
You choose right from wrong and no one is there to tell you otherwise
No one is there to catch you in your lies or wipe the stream of tears from your eyes
Momma isn’t there to hold your hair when you *****
Daddy isn’t there to point to the sky at the comets
It’s more like a hollow and dark lonely place
Days feel like years yet weeks seem to race
I suppose we take for granted our youthful state
We don’t know what we have until it’s a little too late
I’d give anything to go back to a day before loans
Spend a day with my family before I wanted to become skin and bones
Give my brother a hug and tell him I care
Tell my father that the things he calls my mother are wrong and unfair
Play with my dog before the cancer took him away
Show up to work with enthusiasm as though it was my first day
See my town like I did through an adolescent lens
Bike through my neighborhood to the house that once was my friend’s
Run in the yard and climb that one crooked tree
Relive the trip to the forest that ended with bees
Laugh at myself when I fell off my bike
Not take myself so seriously and be willing to admit who’s right
Tell my sister “thank you” for yelling at me to not speak English
She kept me fluent and that was her wish
Go trick or treating from door to door
“Here’s some candy, would you like some more?”
My eyes fill with liquid nostalgia as they sparkle and close
My head bobs and nods as I catch it then doze
I miss the world before it got complex
Before I had to worry about what came next
I’d live for a day at the age of ten
Before things began to hurt and I was mistreated by men
I’d watch the stars with Jessica and talk about life
I’d give her a hug after a sleepover and get back on my bike
Pedaling home in the cool fall breeze
Everything was simpler back then and I took it for granted with ease
I wish to go back to a time almost half my life ago
I wake from my sleep to realize it can't be so

I long for you like the grass for the rain
And I remember that voice, as distinct as the sound of storms in the city, as the cars splash by
The thought of you will bring me pain
A mere shadow at the end of the hallway
Or the silence at the end of the day
Unnerving, reserved, wonderful
Like a phantom the image of you is fleeting
But I will always remember those blue eyes, and drowning in them
I can no longer hear you speak in the back of my mind
Yet your words feel like my own
Your voice feels like safety, like home
Now shrouded by fog
Perhaps we’ll meet again
Maybe just for one day

The wind speaks to me at night
It cascades and whistles in mid flight
I see in it the wonder
And destruction like the thunder
It tells me of the clouds
And how they love to clump in crowds
Perhaps the wind will save us
With it's mighty and powerful gust
I wish to ask it questions
And to express my confessions
The howling shrieks seems mournful
Like those of a mere mortal
I suppose nothing is free from pain
Even nature is bound by chain
How I long to ask the wind
Why it's voice must rescind
For days at a time it will not visit
My window pane forgets its kisses
As I forget its touch on my skin
I wonder where my wind has been

I was ready to run away
Far far away I packed my bags today to try to go where I belong
Where do I belong except following the song of a land that is perhaps not my own
I try to run from these sticks and stones but my broken bones keep me here
Crying
Shouting pouting sobbing
I sit with bruised ribs and shortened breath
The depth of my breath is like a canyon or a crater which sooner or later becomes the norm and I’m trapped
Shackled to this life when all I want to do is attack it
It’s impossible
I can’t seem to make myself believe what it means to be worthy
Hurry and save me before these walls cave in on me
These four walls make me feel so tall but at the end of it all I’m small and smaller and the universe expands while I shrink and my existence is very indistinct
I suppose it’s all meaningless
Should I just go and be, I don’t know, something different?
I could live in the mountains by a little Swiss village
With a brittle wood house and a crackling fire place to set the pace for a relaxing time
Full of sublime moments with the one I adore
I implore to leave this wretched area but my anxiety filled hysteria keeps me here
Some days the stress makes my ears ring so loud it’s all I can hear and it appears that I’m not sleeping
Instead I’m thinking and like a teabag steeping in what comes next
Either tomorrow or in ten years I rethink all my dreams and fears and wow does it mess things up
I smile less and worry more about what the universe has in store
I don’t know what comes next
Yet I still hope for the best

Anger brings out a side of people
Perhaps one that hasn’t been seen
But then again it’s useful
It makes the slate start clean

I have a motto now
I’ll live each day for me
I’m done trying to satisfy the thirsty man
And portraying what he wants me to be

Let’s be honest I should’ve seen this coming
After all he wasn’t mine
But God it shouldn’t of hurt like this
And I shouldn’t be silently crying

I feel the sunlight on my face
And it reminds me of your warm embrace
The one for which I long
When I’m weak it makes me strong
It was sad to watch you walk away
But I know we’ll make it back together some day
You don’t believe my words
How many times have I said it? Is it the second? Or the twenty-third?
I love you without earthly notion
You fill me with a variety of emotion
And I will always feel love for you and us
Love far deeper than lust
Imagine our island in the sky
On a single cloud floating by

We will make it there,
I swear

Some days, the pain without you
Exceeds what I can handle
Honey you were the light of my life
My eternal burning candle
And the flame grew dull with every thing I added
I was stupid to do that
And to be honest, relationships? I'm bad at it!

I often feel a slight pain on the surface of my heart
Who am I kidding, it runs deeper than that
Where do I even start?

I wish I could be with you each dusk and dawn
To see you there with me, beside me
There you were, and now you're gone

You made your way into my dreams again last night
I no longer try to fight it
Your presence, however ethereal, makes me warm
And by the morning sun from me you’re torn

I tell myself not to love you
I say I'm done for good
But then I think of you
And to forget you, I wish I could
I've loved you for so long
And so deeply and so fond
I always seem to lose myself when singing to our song
I often imagine I'm with you in my waking time
It's even better in my dreams
Your presence feels real, sublime
I kissed you two nights ago at a quarter past 3:00
And when I woke to find your lips weren't there on mine
I sighed and felt my heart was heavy

I wish I wish with all my heart
To be someone’s sacred art
But unlike legends and fairytales alike
It’s not so linear, it’s a hike

I wish I wish to be invisible
When I enter a room to be easily resistable
But for some reason I can’t attain that

I wish I wish for a quick easy death
To never breathe another breath
But I guess I’m just too scared to jump

I love your eyes and the way they meet mine
I love your lips and their taste of cherry wine

I need your touch like I need air
I need your smile I can’t help but stare

I feel the warmth of your presence
I feel the envy of your effervescence

I beg to be by your side
I beg to be your guide

I see a bit of us in everything I do
I see a world I’d love to explore with you

I hear your voice in my soundest sleep
I hear your laugh in my mind so deep

I smell your deodorant on the clothes I wear
I smell your scent lingering in the air

I can’t live without you here
I can’t live alone in fear

I miss your lovely eyes too much
I miss your sizzling electric touch

I need you to be mine
I need you to make me fine

I am happy when you’re around
I am happy when you’re safe and sound

I think of you in my waking hours
I think of you through the sweet and sours

I hope one day you can see my love
I hope one day we can meet above

Tonight I took a risk
And once again sliced my wrists
But instead of five I did ten
And little blood came out when
I pressed a little harder
And the blade cut a little farther
I looked like a tiger with it’s stripes
And I’m willing to face all the gripes
You’ll probably leave me when you see my scars
Because you’ll realize all the harm
It stings a little but still feels good
You didn’t understand and you never would
You can’t handle a basket case
To you I’m just a waste
Let’s see how they look tomorrow
Because tonight they filled me with sorrow
They didn’t bleed like I’d hope
Maybe next time I’ll try the rope
I’m a ***** up and don’t deserve life
I argue with myself about what to do and with which knife
I lay here now wrists stinging
The sandman with sleep he’s bringing
I’m upset at myself more than you are at me
So don’t yell or use harsh words during your plea
I’m sorry for what I’ve done
There is nothing more I can do, none
Maybe it’s more than ten
I stopped counting around then
You’ll leave me tomorrow I know it
Whether or not I refuse to show it
The scars will still remain
And you’ll think of me with cruel disdain
Hate me for all I care
This heavy cross I’ll always bare
Give me another reason to hate my soul and body
Give me another bad habit to proclaim as a hobby
I’m an artist by nature and I paint with my blood
And when I’m done my sharp edged paint brush will drop with a thud
I don’t care anymore and I wish life was simpler
I suppose T.S Elliot was correct: this is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper

Maybe in another life I will be something less painful than a human
Fewer feelings and emotions and ridiculous devotions
Perhaps a butterfly so I may sprout wings to go wherever I please
To escape when I want and live among the trees
To be free from the mortal bonds which bind me still
Being crushed by those who see me as a bent and dying daffodil
I am viewed as a damaged and battered being
Yet it seems as though my outside casing is the only thing people are seeing
My mind is quiet foggy but my folded stems are not painful
They just distort my appearance and for that I'm quiet thankful
Because if those who care were to ignore my imperfections
Then by chance I could avoid societal dissection
Let me return as a creature without sense or thought
Then I will never be caught thinking of what I used to be
I'll be free from the prospect that the world ruined me
I thought I was alone in this place of misery
But I was soon brought out and could see clearly, instantly
Love was the lens I needed for sight
But now like the butterfly, it has left to take flight
There once was a time when the world brought me joy
Until I found people who sadistically poison and destroy
Now I again must revert back to nature
In the end it is all I have left...
Sooner or later

Lost in space
I find my mind racing
Chasing what parts I can still assemble
It resembles a time a while ago
When my days were in disarray and I searched for a way to find where I needed to go
So I stayed below the radar but some how not low enough and it was tough for me to be the center of attention
Especially when it was so negatively directed at me
My brains still races and retraces the thoughts places and faces that got me where I am
But **** does it hurt some times
They’ve committed no crimes against me or the law but when I think of some of the things said my jaw still falls and the drops from my eyes still stall in empty space
These thoughts reside only in empty space
So why do they hurt so much and cause my exhausted heart to pace

The stars are plenty in the sky
Some reason when they’re gone I can’t help but cry
The beauty is inescapable
Yet some days it’s trapped in a distant bubble
I can’t see their twinkle tonight and it kills me
Normally their radiance fills me
But even the moon is now shrouded from worldly view
The sky seems empty with no stars, not even a few
I count the days since I last saw my light
Whether from the cold dark pavement or the highest height
I miss the constellations that made me smile
I haven’t felt that joy in quite a while
I miss the celestial bodies on the dark flat sheet
I miss watching them shimmer as I listen to my heartbeat
Please return to me my Starry Night sky
My iridescent view don’t pass me by