Because cutting hurts less than you...

How do I look today?
What do you think?

Are we good?

What should I do?
Should I buy this?

Are we good?

Do you like this on me?
Do you think I can do this?

Are we good?

Am I making the right choice?
Are you sure its okay?

Are we good?

When did my entire existence begin to only matter with your approval?

When did my confidence only shine through when you agreed?

When did my life begin to revolve around pleasing you?

The day I lost myself was the day that I met you and I regret that with every day I strive to find myself again now that you are no longer pulling me down.

Am I good?

Yea…I will be the longer you aren’t around…

In a field I lay in early December.
The sky was glum and the world around me was grey.
The air crisp, as the soft snowflakes melted on my lips.
All the nature around me was lifeless.
Oh how I wished to be dead along with my surroundings.

That’s when I heard him.
His footsteps crunching as he walked across the icy field.
With every step towards me, the frost on the blades of grass melted.
Each of his footprints being replaced with beds of tulips.
The sun started to peek from behind the clouds and the buds started growing on the tips of the branches.

“Come my Dear, its time to get up now.”

“What if I fall again?”

“But my darling, what If you fly?”


He leaned down to me and placed his soft lips on my numb lips melting all the ice around my heart.
My whole body was instantly awakened by a sensation I had not felt in what felt like forever.
The butterflies in my stomach that I felt from his kiss lifted me.
Indeed I did fly, Indeed I soared.

Life has a cruel joke.
Giving you the right person,
at a dreadful time.

They sting mercilessly in the hot shower as the burning hot water washes over them.

Depression…
Where every shirt sleeve becomes a tissue

*******.

You can buy all sorts of crazy things on the internet;
A celebrity...
A person to stand in line for you...
Even uranium for goodness sakes...

Why the **** cant you buy the ability to freeze time and just turn off your life for a bit.

THAT'S THE ONLY THING I WANT RIGHT NOW.

My heart says hello
My head says goodbye
But my lips keep drawing closer to you with every breath I take

I want to ******* scream.
I so badly crave your arms wrapped securely around me at night when the nightmares start.
I want you to be the one who dabs my tears away and hugs me while breathing in the scent from my messy hair.
But you’re never there and it’s physically starting to weaken me because it actually hurts as to how much I ******* love you.

I don’t cry.
I never have.
Not when my childhood friend died,
Or even when I found out my grandparents had cancer.
I am a really tough girl,
Or so I would like to think I am.
Or rather I was a very tough girl.
I used to be a pro at being sad and showing zero emotion.
Lately, it’s been too easy to be standing at a bus stop and think myself into streaming tears and a runny nose.
I guess I do cry now…
And a lot thanks to you.

I hate how you broke me down
Only to build me up
Just so you could break me down once again

I hate how you convinced me to open up to you when I was shy
Only to give you what you wanted from me
And then tell me to be ashamed for being so exposed

I hate how you would ask me what’s wrong
Only to pretend to listen as I would cry
And then tell me off for thinking I have it harder than others

I hate how you would tell me you loved me
Only for me to find out that you have another lover
And then to get angry with me when I would try to move on

I hate how I wasted my time loving you unconditionally
In hopes that you would love me too
Only to realize after eight months that you don’t deserve me

Knowing that its going to be a while until I see you again leaves my body numb. Every bone, muscle and joint just barely picks itself up every single day to live my excruciating life.

The crazy thing is, despite knowing that I had an addiction to you, I still consumed you wholeheartedly at the first opportunity I had knowing that consuming you, my drug, would corrode my body inside and out.

Every sensation I felt with you still lingers on my body, your lips on my lips, your hand on my chest, your torso pressed up against mine….

The weird thing is, I’m not sad because I won’t see you for a while,
because I gave my whole self to you, because the feeling of your body still remains on mine…

The ****** up thing is, I am sad because the smell of your cologne is gone from the sweater I wore when we met and ravished each other for the first time.

I have never understood people who cut themselves.
Like seriously, what in gods name possesses you to take a blade and slice into your own delicate flesh?
I am a religious girl, I believe that our bodies belong to God and it is not ours to hurt.
Last night, I took a dull blade and scratch my wrists until they were swollen. I scratched for such a long time until blood slowly drew and drip down my wrist falling between my legs in my bathtub.

I’m sorry that I never understood before.

I’m sorry that I never felt bad.

But I understand now.

I cut myself because any other pain other than the excruciating pain I feel on a daily was worth feeling.
The worst part is, I believe that I deserve the scars because my pain is self-inflicted.
I know he’s the very source and refuse to let go.

I wish I was your
One and only rather than
Your one of many

I love watching the way that all the muscles in your face relax when you laugh.

Life is not a box of Lego
You cannot persuade someone to build a tower with you
A tower that seems so strong and inferior to the world
A tower that looks like it will last forever
Only to break the tower down
Abandoning the other builder
To clean up the
s
   h
a
     m
b
       l
   e
         s
While you go and build a brick house
With someone else

You were my first love
But when I really look back
You were my first loss

I never used to tell you the names of my favourite places
But I would make them seem so remarkable in your head
That they would become places you couldn’t resist going to
And I was the only one with the map to the location

I never wanted you to know where they were
So that when you came to me, you wouldn’t go to them without me
I wanted to share my favourite places with you
And make them our favourite places

But today, I sent a letter to you in the mail
With a list of all of my favourite places
Because I want you to still get to enjoy them
Even though I will not be there to appreciate them with you

When you wake up, your nightmares end.
When I wake up, my nightmares begin...

Nights are the most difficult.
It's when I miss you the most.
The worst part is, when I'm having a nightmare about losing you and I roll over for your comfort, you're not there.

And there it was
The most beautiful Persian pomegranate
With a skin so flawless
It would be a sin to cut it open

The pomegranate was calling out
Begging her to take a bite
But she knew it was not hers to taste

She resisted the temptation for so long
Eyeing the pomegranate every day
As she strolled by the fruit bowl

One day, when she walked by
She noticed the pomegranate had been cut open
It’s juicy plump seeds alluring her to just take one bite
What would be the harm in just one taste?

She put a seed in her mouth
It’s water-laden pulp seed burst
Exposing her tongue to something
She had never tasted before

Every day
She would walk by
And the Persian pomegranate
Would demand her to take more
So she would slip a few more seeds onto her innocent tongue

And as time went on
The seeds tasted better, sweeter
And more seductively succulent

One day
She placed the seeds into her mouth
But to her surprise
Her mouth began to burn
Her gums began to blister
Her lips began to bleed

She was perplexed
Because the pomegranate was
A poison disguised
As a beautiful, sweet fruit

The pomegranates poison
Consumed her body slowly
Ripping her insides to shreds
As the days she spent enjoying its sweet offerings
Flashed before her eyes

The Persian pomegranate
Painfully and poignantly killed her

And with one final kiss on my forehead, he planted my flower in his garden. ❤

She was a good girl.
**** as **** but super reserved.
She was the furthest thing from being considered a **** or *****…

He would tease her and slowly peel away her armour.
She abandoned the good girl she once was to be a bad girl for only him.
Something about him made her want to drop all her guards.

She would send him **** photos while he was in meetings.
She in hoped he would take it out on her later.
And one day he did, he called her a ***** and tossed her away.

Even though I have everything I could have ever dreamed of, there is still a faint whisper from my past reminding me that I could lose it all once again.

I sat in front of you with tears streaming down my face. I knew at this moment, it was over between the two of us.

All I wanted from you was to acknowledge that you hurt me and that you were sorry for breaking me.

But all you said to me was, “If it wasn’t me to hurt you, it would have been someone else.”

I never understood how one could find the right person at the wrong time.'
Today I have a full understanding of that phrase as I felt as though I needed to end things with Mr. Right for coming into my life at the wrong time.

As it is, your words cut me like a knife.
I don’t know how much longer I can take the pain.
For the next couple of months, I’m going to put aside a pill for every thing you say to me that hurts me.
And when I finally can’t take it anymore, I’ll swallow all the pills at once and end it all.
Simple