I have been sad for so long that I don't even remember what it feels like to be happy...

It’s over now.
I left the place with the poisonous air.
The place I once called home.
But that’s okay.
Because looking back,
There are many things I can smile about.

But that is a fantasy;
A utopia that I wish existed.
Because the reality is,
Whenever I do look back at what I used to have,
I realize that there isn’t something to smile about.
Seeing as the entire life I was living was toxic.
And I was just immune to the toxicity.

The fumes I smelled,
The red flags that were raised,
The sounded alarm,
Were the only thing I ever knew.
I didn’t know what existed just outside the walls I built around me.

So looking back,
At that place I used to linger,
There really isn’t something for me to smile about.
Because what I thought was okay,
Was never normal.

I will not go back there ever again,
Despite the ‘happy’ memories.
For I am no longer immune to toxicity.
And I will no longer inflict sickness upon myself,
From the toxic wasteland I once loved.

You come into my house
Because you saw that the door was open
You haven’t spoken to me since I told you I was done

You stride through the hallway
And see the mirror that I had used to photograph myself in for you
Shattered with sharp shards of glass scattered across the floor

You come down the stairs, into the basement
Where you smell the musty smell from the old carpet
The carpet we used to lie on and laugh together

You peer into my art room
There is red ink splattered across my canvass
But this time, its not paint

This time, it is blood from the sharp glass that I jammed into my body
Because nothing hurts more
Than the way you hurt me

There have been too many nights
Where I lie beneath my sheets
Hoping you still care

The smell of your cologne on my shirt sleeve still makes me melt after all this time

I fill the emptiness with pills, further haze my judgement with smoke and draw the line with a blade.

You know what really scares me? I remember when I used to be okay with being alone. In fact I loved it because, I was always surrounded by people and, having a little bit of solitude was comforting. It gave me time to step back and reflect.

Now, being alone is one thing I hate more than anything in the world. I constantly surround myself with people because I hate being left alone with my thoughts.

Today is one of those days, it is the first time in so long that I have been alone for a prolonged period of time and it’s really difficult for me. I have too much on my mind and I am slowly breaking down.

"it stings
in the shower
and the sad thing is
you know exactly what
i'm talking about"

“There is nothing harder than putting yourself back together each morning.”

That is the saddest most true thing I have read in a while.

He loves me
He has given me everything I have ever needed
He has always been there for me no matter what

He and I have the most pure relationship
It is so easy to make Him jubilant
He is always there for me with one call

I live a very serene life with Him
He bestows me an answer to my never-ending inquisitions
He is my everything whom I love unconditionally


Why would I a walk away from Him... and go to h
                                                               ­                           I
                                    ­                                                        m…
his whispers
made me lose control of everything
wanting to obey his sweet sounds
that echoed in my ears
making my heart beat so fast.

his hands
slowly brushing across my thigh
would make my mind go numb
and would send shameful shivers
up and down my entire body.

he unveiled me
slowly examining me from head to toe
telling me exactly what I needed to hear
to feel confident, comfortable enough
to give him what he wanted.

Why would I a walk away from Him... and go to h
                                                               ­                           I
                                    ­                                                        m…