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Given to freely
and held by the greedy
Bursting with happiness
while drowning in stress.

Avoided from fear of it
Pursued with a frenzy
Blinding the novice
But gives clear sight to many

Fighting to gain it
Dying to lose it
Fighting to keep it
Striving to stop it
Killing to halt it
Living to give it
Killing to honor it
Dying to take it
Just can't get off of it.

What silly creatures us humans are
Doing silly silly things
for the feel good chemicals it brings
We do and feel all these things
Going beyond and above
Just for LOVE..
Hawley Anne Mar 2023
Beautiful souls all glory and hope,
destroyed within minutes,
all because of the dope.

They didn't see this coming,
it wasn't their wish,
not one single child
hopes to grow up to be this.

The ****** on the corner,
that you judged as you passed.
Do you really believe
she enjoys selling her ***?

And that man sitting homeless
outside of the store,
as a child couldn't imagine
what his life had in store.

The crackhead downtown
or the methhead on hastings,
had bigger things planned
than their current drug cravings.


It does not discriminate
it hasn't a preference,
robbing parents from children
it gains delight from their absence.

Addiction creeps up on you.
You wont see it coming.
Do you think if they knew,
that they still would have done it?

That mother who's child
C.P.S JUST took away,
now fights suicidal ideation
and self hatered everyday.

Because she wanted to raise her.
That child is her little one,
now shes 4 years old
and calls
SOMEONE ELSE

MOM.

See addiction destroys things
people family and homes.
But please try to remember
it's not ALL a fault of their own.

Peer pressure or trauma
or just one BIG mistake.
It was one bad choice yes,
but should it seal their fate?

Please have some compassion,
look past the outside.
See the child that's hurting,
looking out from an addicts eyes.
Hawley Anne Sep 2020
This world is so crazy and so full of pain,
her heart slowly breaks when she hears his name.
No, but it's not for the reasons that people expect,
it's for all the good memories she can not forget.
Regret fills her soul when she thinks of her life,
wishing she hadn't answered his phone call that night.
Never walked down the path that led her to him,
never starting a game that neither would win.
Never making mistakes she thought she never could.
Never believing he'd change,
just 'cuz he said that he would.
Never wondering why she was not good enough.
Never thinking abuse was actually love.
She'd never wonder where her smile went,
and why did it fade?
Did it go all at once,
or by little each day?
Reality hits her when she re-lives her mistakes,
And as regret slowly drowns her, she feels her heart break.
  
  

-Hawley  Anne.
Hawley Anne Dec 2020
The rain came down in buckets,
as she sat all by herself.
And with each passing raindrop,
a new more painful memory felt.

Some were bad and yes lots were worse,
but the ones that hurt the most.
Where all the happy memories,
of all the times that they were close.


With smiles on both faces,
And love in both their hearts.
Those were the memories,
with which she wished to part.

Because she can just gloss over,
and not long for the bad times.
But it's impossible to just forget,
When she was his,
And he
.....was .....

Mine.
Hawley Anne Apr 2022
Without him I feel lost,
frozen empty and alone.
Im drifting through a barren sea,
helplessly going where wind blows.
I gave up on being rescued,
quite awhile ago.
Hopelessly  alone forever adrift,  
and noone will ever  know.
No guiding lights to aim for,
No lighthouse on the shore.
My will to live is no longer here,
as it was before.
So until the end of time,
I'll drift dark waters alone.
And live the fantasy that we once had,
Him, me, our daughter, and our home.
Hawley Anne Nov 2020
The day my heart was ripped from my chest,
And the air left me all in one breath.
Was the day that I first heard them say,
They were taking my baby girl Lily away.
And it's been two years now,
Time sure does fly.
Every minute that passes me,
I'm more ready to die.
But **** is evil and it has no soul,
It will devour your existence swallow you whole.
And still, more of you it will demand,
Until every part of you, it will have.
Take take take is all it will do,
And yet somehow you think the powers with you?
**** is so deceptive sneaky and cunning,
You can try to stop it but there is no point in running.
You probably won't ever escape from its clutches,
Only about 2% of addicts have permanently done it.  
Those aren't hopeful numbers at all,
But if you don't get away now,
only further you'll fall.
Deep deep down descending to hell,
Everyone knows it except you, you can't tell.
So please if you're thinking of trying this evil,
Stop it's not worth the pain that you'll feel.
And if you are stupid and don't take my advice,
I give it a year before you say I was right.
And if that's the case,
Well, there is not much I can do.
So go on keep using,
****, it seems was stronger than you.
Hawley Anne Jul 2023
I am smart,
and I'm kind.
I've got a beauty that's all mine.
I am worthy.
I'm enough.
I am deserving of healthy love.
I am happy,
and I'm calm.
I can right all of my wrongs.
I will succeed.
I will endure.
I will live life feeling secure.  
I can do this,
you can too.
This poem is for me,
but also you.
Hawley Anne Feb 2021
And after

" I love you,
             but
      I'm
not
       in
           love
with
          you"


fell from his lips,
Heavy tears in his eyes
as he turned away.


" There

               is someone else,

                                                          ­ isn't there?"
  
Silence.


........
Hawley Anne Sep 2023
I broke her heart.

What else is there to say, except,


"I'm Sorry."  
                                      or

             "PLEASE forgive me."
      

                                             "Please know this isnt your fault."

                  



                    "Mommy loves you."




                                                              Hope that trust again will come with time.
    

                                    And

realize that when Mommy says "I'll see you next week"

                                                     Finally,

she really does.
Hawley Anne Sep 2023
So your a fallen Angel now,
but you're flying high.
Eternally untouchable somewhere in the sky.

You were much to young,
taken much to soon.
Im sorry I wasnt there,
I wish we could have saved you.

But it's to late now
and thats just a fact.
I promise we miss you
and all wish for you back.

If there is a heaven up there in the clouds,
then I know you made it in there
and you're smiling down.  
So be at peace my girl,
this is not the end.
Ill catch you on the flip side,
so for now,

Rest well my fallen friend.
My friend Angel was found dead in her room just the other day, and i dont know what else to do except write.
Hawley Anne Nov 2021
Strangers with memories of who each of them had been,
All the people that they had known,
And every place they'd ever seen.
Passed by eachother in the street without saying a word,
But just for half a second their eyes locked,  his and hers.
It sent them both into memories,
They thought they had forgot.
The mind can easily  be lied to but can the heart, seems it can not.
That moment had reminded her of all the things he said,
The promises of forever and sweet kisses on her head.
And the pain which also came with that almost made her cry.
He had broke his promises, and she never found out why.
He left her broken and alone wondering how he wanted this.  
So quickly she had to look away, and try to forget that he exist.
Hawley Anne Jun 6
How many times can I write a "break up" poem?

Screaming into my empty pages,

"This is it,
                  I'm finally
                                      DONE. " 

I still don't leave, though,
Of course I don't.
Is this what its like to be crazy?
You're the only place I know.
        
Am I insane?
Whos to say?


If you ask me, I wasnt always this way.
I'm almost sure of it.

But if I'm insane, how would I even tell?

For all I know,
I could be in an asylum right now, rocking back and forth in a corner,
just talking to myself.

How would I even know?
Could I even guess?


The terrifying part is,
I wouldn't.

Crazy people never realize they are crazy,
Do they?

So maybe none of this is real. ...

...Maybe HE'S not real...

Maybe we never fell in love,
never had our child,
never planned our future together.

But that was all before the abuse.

                       ...The abuse..... 

                        Was that even real?
I'm not sure anymore...

   Maybe it wasnt.
Maybe, we never even met.

Well if thats the case, and we never met,
I guess thats good.

Because never meeting me, is what you told me you wished for,

right?

                    ...Or...
                    I don't  know.
Did you?
Hawley Anne Jan 2022
Will everyday hurt just a little bit less,
until one day its just a memory?
Gathering dust in the back of your mind,
is this what its like in recovery? .
All of the stress the drama and crime,
that goes with the lifestyle of ****.
What do you do with yourself anymore,
now that none of those things are left?

No more 3 am bedtime and hating your life,
no more walking the streets day and night.
No more wishing that you could for once just relax,
and not worry that there'd be a fight.
No more people pretending to be your best friend,
just to turn 'round and steal all your stuff.
No more doing anything you possibly could,
to get money so you could buy drugs.
No more silently screaming inside your own mind,
wishing that all of this would  just stop.
No more hiding in fear when you hear a siren,
cuz you'll no longer worry its cops.
No more crying yourself to sleep every night,
because somebody else has your kids.
No more spending the days just lost in your thoughts,
about every single milestone missed.
No more trying to think of an answer to give, to your 5 year old child when they ask.
"Mommy and daddy why dont I live with you?
Because YOU'RE my REAL mom and dad."

I've got some advice if you need some help,
so please listen closly my friend.
There is a few things I think you should try,
If you really want your addiction to end.
Boredom is dangerous so don't be alone,
but dont hang out with your old friends.
Find some new people to surround yourself with,
you've got to force this addiction to end.
Its not going to work if you don't give all you've got,
addicts don't want you to get clean at all.
Misery loves company they'll just drag you down,
cuz they would rather facilitate your fall.
So keep to yourself and some new sober friends,
and always believe you'll succeed.
Just keep on going one day at a time,
and from this addiction you'll see you've been freed.
Hawley Anne Oct 2021
"You were an unpleasant memory, now you're my reminder to be more cautious of the people I invest my time in.
You're my reminder to see people for who they are, and not who I want them to be."

Wow I almost cried reading this,
Way to true to me.
This is how I see you now,
What you chose to be to me.
Its taken, a ******* long *** time,
But I think I'm finally starting to heal.
The heartbreak I thought was a curse before,
Was needed, so that love and happiness, could be revealed.
Sure, I may still wish things were different,
But that wish is smaller with each passing day.
And one day, that wish will be gone,
And ill be okay with the fact,
you didn't stay.
I have two amazing daughters,
Who fill my heart with joy.
And its not me thats going to drown in regret,
Cuz unlike you, I'm someone they will not forget.
I will be there for them, everyday that I can,
the good days and bad days too.
And those girls they know, they can count on me,
Just like they know, sadly they can't count on you.
"You were an unpleasant memory, now you're my reminder to be more cautious of the people I invest my time in.
You're my reminder to see people for who they are, and not who I want them to be."
Hawley Anne Sep 17
I used to ask all the time
what was wrong with you
But I finally figured out the truth
It was me not you

'Cuz instead of falling in love with you
I fell in love with the lies
It wasn't what you did I loved
I loved that
you said you'd try

I fell for your words of promise
I overlooked your lack of action
And then I would get mad at you
for my dissatisfaction

But really what the problem was
the thing I couldn't see
Was I fell in love with your words  
Not you're reality.
Hawley Anne Sep 2020
Don't know how to accept the truth,
That I know is real.
But your actions make very obvious,
what you say is not how you feel.
I beg of you time and again,
to just be honest, please.
But it's obvious you never cared,
or even listened to my needs.
You simply wish to have your way,
doing what you think you must.
Even though it has done,
nothing but **** my trust.
You always say you promise,
then rage out if I ask.
But you still hold all those habits,
that show me you put me last.
Why do you insist on claiming,
that you do love me?
When lies betrayal and abuse,
are the only gifts you've given me.
I've begged you " please stop cheating"
I'll beg you one last time.
Cuz' if this time nothing changes,
then I'll have to say goodbye.
I deserve honesty
and a partner I can trust.
I had wished it could be you,
but I'm almost ready to give up.
Hawley Anne Sep 2020
Why do we keep doing this?
I think it's time that I gave up.
I really truly do love you,
but it seems you don't give a f....
If you don't want to stay,
well then maybe you should leave.
Because with each betrayal,
"I love you" gets harder to believe.
And no that's not what I want for us,
but I won't sit watch you cheat.
So if you're not able,
to be honest with me,
then I think it's best if you leave.
The ominous and growing feeling,
I have deep in my chest.
Says that us together
probably isn't for the best.
There are things I don't understand,
like what is it that's wrong with me?
cuz you wouldn't want to f..... everyone else,
if I was "so ****"
And maybe you'd want to spend your time,
with me instead of just them.
If I still wore a smile all the time,
as I did way back then.
What I need you to understand is,
I didn't make that smile fade.
What stopped me from being happy,
was the choices you chose to make.
And maybe if you were sorry,
and never did it again,
then I'd be more comfortable
and could trust you once again.
But trust was broken so many times,
probably way too many.
I don't know if the trust is still possible,
I don't believe you deserve any.
Everyone has patterns,
of behaviour that they do.
Yours seems to be lying to me,
and mine sadly is loving you.
Hawley Anne Jun 6
All the ways my heart broke,
in the time that I was yours.
With every fracture of my soul,
my memory obscures.
As I sit beside you now,
in this empty room.
I realize that I am done.
But do you feel it too?
It is a heavy feeling,
deep inside my chest,
sinking down to fill the void,
and giving me no rest.
You say that you won't lose me,
but I fear that it's to late.
Cuz it was only after I walked away,
that you begged for me to stay.
I am done with cheaters,
So just stop acting like you're hurt
Its getting to be ridiculous
Remember you left me first.
You made that choice to walk away,
you chose her not me.
So now you can live with what you've done,
You got your wish,
                                     you're free.
Hawley Anne Feb 2021
Please my little heartbroken one,
Stop searching for love within his arms.
He doesn't  know what love is,
His arms are not home,
Please notice this.
Stop looking for love  in a man with which whom,
You can't even trust him to tell you the truth.
The one who will love you,
Will not need to lie.
If he's lying to you then say goodbye.
Just please  pack your things,
leave cuz there you're not needed.
He doesn't love you,
Please why can't you see this.
He's used you for way, way past long enough,
If it hurts you this much,
Honey, it is not love.
Don't get me wrong,
Love is not all smooth sailings.
But with real love,
You BOTH work to keep things from failing.
Give some and take some,
Both 100%.
But whatever you have got now,
Has only created contemp.
Please find the courage and strength that you'll need.
From this toxic situation,
I pray that you're freed.
I can not sit by for one more idle minute,
Watching  your tears,
You don't deserve this.
Deep down you know what I've said here is truth,
More honesty than he ever offered to you.
So please  all I want in return for my care,
Is for you to just give up pack up and leave there.
Hawley Anne Feb 2021
As the sun sets,
on all of our plans,
I accept the things,
I still don't understand.
And looking to the moon I sigh,
as one last tear escapes my eye.
I've tried everything,
that I can do.
But the choice it seems,
wasn't for me,
but you.
It's ok.... and I will be just fine.
Your heart simply wasn't,
meant to be forever mine.
The stars in the sky,
gently shed light on the truth.
My love for you was real,
and my pain is the proof.
Dawn starts to break now,
So I guess I made it through,
Last night was the first night,
I didn't sleep next to you.
As the sun starts,
to rise over the shore,
my pain and my love for you,
Begin to fade more.
So that each moment hurt less,
then the moment before.
Hawley Anne Jan 8
Silence in chaos
triumph and loss
The house became empty
the line had been crossed.

Empty threats
spat in my face.
Accepted with grace.

Memories escaped.
As your smell slowly fades
from this room and also
my heart.
Hawley Anne May 2023
Why do I even witre anymore?
for validation and "likes" ?
I used to write just for me,
and I used to love what I write.
But now I feel like every poem,
is **** if it gets no attention.
When did the comments and "likes" all become,
the biggest part of my motivation?
My poems are still raw and real.
My feelings spilled out on a page.
So when no one says they relate with my words,
How can I know that I'm not insane?
Am I the only one in the world,
Who feels the things that I do?
Please, can anyone hear me?
I'm desperate to hear any of you.
Hawley Anne Apr 2022
Just as the candles flame will extinguish, with time, soon shall all thoughts of this.
     And as the thoughts,
slowly fade away,
the memories are replaced by better ones made.
     So let the fire slowly die,
but always remember, at least YOU tried.  
     And when you feel regret start to resurface,
remember you were treated as if you were worthless.
     You had to let the fire go out,
don't let loneliness turn your mind to doubt.
     You did the best thing you were able,
given no choice you left the unfaithful.
     You need to remember in times when you miss them, that fixing what's broken is just fanaticism.
     So give up and move on you can do this stay strong,
You know in your gut that you did not choose wrong.
Hawley Anne Jan 2021
When infatuation fades away,
fast-beating hearts do slow.
That's when real  true love starts,
loves not easy didn't you know?
It takes work and it takes commitment,
to keep that love alive.
So to throw away four years of love,
For fleeting butterfly's?
Regret will surely envelop you,
when you realize what you've done.
When butterflies as always fade,
and things you've lost are gone.  
There will be no coming back,
You can sit in your regret.
I will not be looking back,
Your name and face I will forget.
I won't accept false apologies
No more "let's try one more times."
You threw away what it was we had,
You chose the butterfly's.
Hawley Anne Apr 2022
I am hopelessly in love with a memory,
An echo from a far away place.
Though I could see the illusion was slipping,
I tried hard just to dream of your face.
The love story that we had written,
It had such a beautiful start.
I was ready and you'd promised forever,
But then you broke us apart.
Hawley Anne Mar 2021
Honest to a fault,
and loyal that's the truth.
I'm a battle-hardened warrior,
The scars I have are proof.
I've given second chances,
To many, I shouldn't have.
And cried for too many nights,
I left my heart in the wrong hands.
Walls were built around me,
Forged a shelter from others' lies.
Forever those walls will guard me,
Those lies have made me wise.
For I was once an angel,
That was no disguise.
But they then created a demon,
That angelic side had to die.
That I may protect my honour,
That I may still speak my truth.
For if I remained such an angel,
I would have always been there for you.
At first, I was angry and broken,
Not understanding how you did this to me.
But thankful I realize the truth now,
I was given a gift and set free.
But sadly, you released the demon,
To an unknowing and innocent world.
For you destroyed that sweet angel,
By repeatedly breaking that girl.
If I'm honest then sometimes I miss her,
The angel that I used to be.
But then I remember the heartbreak,
So this demon thanks you for setting me free.
Hawley Anne Sep 2020
This isn't what you promised me,
what you said it would be like.
This is a constant uphill battle,
and still, you win every time.
You said you'd make me happy,
that's the impression that you gave.
Instead, you only ruined my life,
you had my kids taken away.
And still, you won't leave me alone,
please just get out of my life.
To those who said I'd regret it all,
well it turns out you were right.
Drowning now in "what could've been's"
ruminating on my regrets.
I wish I'd never met you,
so yeah......
F... you Crystal ****.
Hawley Anne Nov 2023
What happened to the happy times?
Why did they suddenly stop?
I wish that I still felt your love,
I wish you hadent forgot.
The way that you had felt for me,
Before things got this hard,
The days when we were both in love,
Before my heart was scarred.
I used to make you happy,
And you made me happy too.
I once could not see my future,
If it did not include you.
Faced now though with no other choice,
I dread moving on alone.
I wish that we still could have had,
Our family and our home.
Hawley Anne Feb 2021
Knowing that you're toxic,
Doesn't seem to change how I feel.
I know it's probably " trauma bonding"
But my love for you is real.
I know that you don't care,
And you're never going to change.
But that little piece of hope that's left,
Just will not go away.
You have shown me many times,
What you think of me.
But then you come in with sweet words,
That I KNOW don't mean a thing!
And yet still I accept them,
Praying this time that they're true.
But of course, I know the deal,
The only thing you'll ever love is you.
Hawley Anne Jan 10
Sometimes forever is shorter than we think,
so we take people for granted then their gone in a wink.
We never can know which goodbye is our last,
we all should stop trying to live life so fast.
There was a day probably some time ago,
your mom kissed you goodnight for the last time and didnt know.
There was the last time that you played outside with your friends,
but on that day none of you knew it was the end.
One day you just stopped beliveing in magic,
and stopped looking for fariys outside its quite tragic.
Because we all grow up and then we grow old,
and we stop finding magic in the stories we're told.
So take pleasure in the little things that life throws your way,
because you just can not know if todays your last day.
Hawley Anne Feb 16
I gather up all the tiny shards,
pieces of my broken heart.
And hold them oh so carefully,
so they don't further fall apart.
I wrap them so very tightly,
in what I think is love.
And I whisper to them so no one hears,

"I promise that you're enough."
Hawley Anne Jun 2023
If I tried to write a "happy" poem,
I wonder what I'd say?
If the words that spilled upon the page
didn't convey any dismay.
Would it feel foreign to me,
As one who writes from a broken heart?
Or would the words uplift my soul,
could it be my new start?
What would I even write about,
the sun the moon or stars?
Or would I write about long ago,
Before my heart bore any scars?
I'm not sure how or when or why,
but I'd like to change my tone.
And start writing about what makes me smile,
instead of what makes me feel alone.
Hawley Anne Aug 5
To infinity and beyond
To the moon and back
Until the last star falls
When Google runs out of facts

When Hell freezes over
After pigs can fly
The day I breathe underwater
Once there is no sun in the sky

When the Earth stands still
Or the day all oceans dry
Once every human lives in peace
When no more people die.

Until all of those things have happened
Until those distances are traveled
I will keep on fighting for you
I won't give up on you, my child.
Hawley Anne Oct 2021
Tears running down her face,
are the only proof she's seen his ways.
She tries to smile,
but can no longer pretend,
that the damage he's done,
is little enough to mend.
His eyes, they hide his lies so well,
that when he speaks,
she can no longer tell.
It's seems so long since she could trust,
In anything he said,
so

   she's
           given
                         up.
Hawley Anne Jun 29
I sometimes wonder silently
If you even comprehend
The way you makes me feel these days
These days before the end
I am not even human
Just an object to be used
If told I'm not an N.P.C.
I wonder would you be confused?
Our days infact are numbered
I'm not sure how many days are left
So I detatch mentally when we fight
And while you scream I hold my breath
Toxic is our new normal
That's why we can not be
Our time as a couple is long over
There is no more "us" between you and me
Maybe someday you'll understand
What it means to love someone
To be there through their bad and good
Not only there for just their fun
If I could be granted
Just one simple wish
I'd wish for all hearts to heal
So that noone else would ever feel like this
The end is getting closer now
There is no need to pretend
But I promise too remember the good days too
Not just these days before the end.
Hawley Anne Jan 2021
9 years now it has been,
another year went by.... yet again.
My heart still aches,  you consume my thoughts.
The sound of your voice,
a memory I've tragically lost.
Time never heals you,
it just makes things fade.
So I worry with terror,
will I forget your face?
I try to hold on to those far away days,
to keep them from slipping and fading away.
Desi will be 9 soon and Lily's now 2,
I wish oh so much they could have met you.
You would have loved them,
they would have loved you.
But the fact is you're gone now,
so there's nothing I can do.
Your Tweety Bird misses you every day,
on this day every year,
another piece of me breaks.
Because although you technically left the 17th,
today was the day that YOU ceased to be.
I lost you uncle 9 years ago today,
and I still regret the things I didn't say.
So yes every year I'll come here and cry,
be angry with the world and again ask you why.
Why did you have to leave us like that,
And tell you that all I want is you back.
I love you so much and I hope that you knew,
I'll try to remember that you loved me too.
If I don't stop now I'll keep writing forever,
so I think it's time to end this sad letter.
I love you uncle forever its true,
I will always remember the days spent with you.
Goodbye, I love you and I miss you more,
Then ever I thought possible before.
Sincerely,
Forever and always
Love your,
Tweety Bird.
This is the version that I felt comfortable posting on his Memorial Facebook page, the version all my family read... I posted a slightly different, and much more personal and painful version on this site. I felt I'd get less judgement here. 🥺   Thank you all for always being so kind and encouraging
Hawley Anne Aug 2023
This empty seat is for the addicts,
who never made it home.
The ones who lost their battle,
on a long lonley road.
Gone but not forgotten,
we keep them in our hearts.
We remember them in silence,
and the knowledge absence imparts.
They sadly could not win the war,
the one that raged inside.
IVE BEEN THEM
so I know one thing,
   I know they really tried.  
So please dont judge the addicts,
you do not know their fight.
Just pray for peace to their souls,
lost silently every night.
Hawley Anne Aug 2023
I sail this ocean alone every night.
While wondering how much longer I'll fight,
to stay above water on top of the waves.  
  No sight of safety not islands or caves.
I'm alone and I'm drowning in my own despair,
please if you hear me then tell me you're there.
Reach out your hand and pull me ashore. 
I won't let it go this time, not like before.
I don't wish to stay here alone every night,
with nothing but my sorrows in this lonely moonlight.
Hawley Anne Nov 9
"Honestly I didnt think you'd ever "no more" him.
You gave your all and more, back in the day.  From what I've seen in posts, it continued.
You loved the **** out of him, I can only assume that grew ten fold after you had his daughter.  If you're still the same as when I knew you, you wore  your heart on your sleeve towards him."




Yep I did.   I gave him every chance to do what he promised he would, I forgave him more times than he deserved, for things I should never have forgiven.  I made excuses for his actions, not only to myself but to everyone around me, because I was embarrassed with the disrespect I had allowed. I took him back every ******* time, knowing it would probably be exactly the same, simply because I loved him so **** much.
I was unable to **** the last bit of me, that held onto the hope that I was wrong, and that he would change. I was in denial for so long, I balled my eyes out for probably weeks after he left. I jumped anytime my phone made a noise, hoping it was him, hoping he had finally realized what he threw away and was going to come back, and be the guy he pretended he was when we first met. I did everything I could for him, even after he dumped me for some ******.  I even brought them BOTH food and warm clothes and blankets, daily cuz they were homeless. I held onto his stuff as if I was a storage locker, for YEARS, because he refused to come and get it. I tried everything within my power to both make him happy b4 he left me , and then to try to make him remember that he loved me and come back.  I warned him time and time again when I felt myself starting to  lose the desire to fix us.
I begged him that if what he kept saying was true, and he did really want us to work, if he loved me, to please put in ANY amount of effort to show me. The ONLY thing I wanted from him was honesty,  **** I even offered that guy a ******* open relationship! I just wanted the cheating to stop. Which he declined saying he wanted only me, then continued to cheat on me even while I was in the hospital with our newborn baby.  
And it wasn't until I told him I had zero left in me, and I started treating him the way he had always treated me, that he decided to pretend to care. And even then, when I had no more left in me, I still would have taken him back and I told him that, but I said in order to do that I had to see effort, consistently, for a good amount of time. I told him it would take work, lots of time and honesty. And it was all on him from that point forward cuz I was depleted.  And you know what that "man" said to me. He said "Why the hell am I going to try and put in all the effort, when you just said you won't put any effort in. How the hell am I going to be the only one trying"  that. The fact that he refused to be the "only one trying" but he had been completely fine when it was me doing everything. That was when I think I finally started to see it, why the **** did I want him back? What had I been fighting to win back this whole ******* time? Someone who constantly lied cheated yelled at me called me horrible things daily? I tried very hard for a long time to get him to understand and see what he had been doing, but when it really really mattered, when given the possibility to repair everything, he was not interested. Now he keeps saying he misses me, and he's sorry.  I am not sure it's me he misses, more likely it's the help I gave, that he's now finally noticing the lack of. I'm sorry that he is feeling the regret for his actions. But I can't help but wonder if it's caused by the realization of what he did to me, to us, or more likely it's discomfort at the consequences of the choices he made.  I really tried to make us work, I did everything I could. And with the number of times he had to change, the countless opportunities he ignored, that he could have made the choice to try, but he didn't. I begged him so many times, but he never cared, at least not till after i told him i had nothing left in me to give. He broke my heart so many times, and every time I gave him another chance, just for him to go and do it again and again. It broke my heart when I finally realized that I was fighting for something that never existed. I doubt he  understands how hard it was to accept and come to trems with the fact that the man i loved was never real. Or maybe he was, but he is no longer that guy.. The guy that i loved would have never done half of what he did, he wouldnt have hurt me like that. I warned him when i could feel myself getting closer to the point of no return, but he just saw my pleding for help as a manipulation. He was too focused on thinking i was trying to control him all the time, to see that i was only ever trying to help him be the person i knew he could be. I never wanted to control him, but the thing he never understood was that when someone actually loves you, they won't put up with your ****. Its the people that dont care that dont try to correct ****** behavior, because they can't be bothered to. I cared with every bit of my heart and soul. I did. So i tried to help him, but it was only controlling in his eyes. He saw me as a manipulative control freak by the end and he wanted out. In the end he taught me that it is safer to push love down. He made it dangerous to love him. Loving him was destroying me. Im not sure if he fully realized all the damage that was caused by what he had done. I am not sure I'll ever be the girl I was before him, that's not to say it's a bad thing though. He made me smarter, he showed me that I gave my heart away to fast for so little in return, I was naive.  I learned things about life and about myself because of him, and i thank him for that, truly. I will keep the lessons he taught me for the rest of my life. But unfortunately, there isn't anything else I can do at this point.  You know,  I  still remember the day he looked in my eyes and he told me he could never hurt me.  My biggest regret to this day is that because I believed him, I gave him the ability to do just that, over and over again.  I do care about him still, and I probably always will, but I need to protect my heart, I know that now. And it ***** but he had my heart for years. Even after he left me, he still held it. But in all that time, instead of protecting it and cherishing it, he was  the biggest cause of pain to it. So yeah, I care, but he gave me no other choice but to do so from afar. I tried, but when it mattered most, when it could have fixed things, when him caring may have fixed us , he simply didn't want to. And now the point I warned him about for so long is here. I told him that one day he'd wake up and realize what he did, and beg for one last chance. I also told him that it broke my heart, because I knew that by the time that happened, it would already be much much to late. And that days here, and I was right.  Because now I finally see it.  I am way to good for his selfish behavior. I deserve much better. I'm not perfect, and i know that. But i deserve someone who knows they arent perfect either. Someone who wants to help solve any problems that we run into. Someone who sees our disagreement the same way i do, not them against me, but us together against the problem. When I think about the future now, for the first time in almost 8 years, the image I see doesn't include him. Its bitter sweet, because we did have all these plans of our family and how our life was going to go, and those are now gone. But im also greatful that I finally see, I am so much better off with out him.
Hawley Anne Sep 2021
That narcissist, ever so unbelievably clever,
Lies expertly chosen for any endeavour.
No matter the reason, the time or the place,
That narcissists smile, will remain on his face.
As long as he thinks that he's got you fooled,
Remember you exist as only a tool, to be used.
He will lie he will cheat, any boundaries he'll test them,
He will blatantly do this, and punish you if you question.
Steal your belongings with no shred of remorse,
With that little feeling, he resembles a corpse.
Empathy, love, thought of others, impossible.
No, he's selfish, and toxic,
He's almost unstoppable.
Of his own actions, he is never accountable.
The narcissits arrogance is insurmountable.
And you, in his eyes,
forever discountable.
Hawley Anne Jan 2021
I fell in love with a version of you,
That does not truly exist.
I created that person within my mind,
And it's time that I admit this.

I wanted so bad to believe that you'd change,
Simply because you said that you could.
But actions speak louder than ever your words,
And your actions say you never would.

Loving you was the most exquisite form,
Of self-destruction and torture for me.
But do I regret of that I'm not sure,
You did teach me what love really means.

Because of the treatment the lies and the hurt,
Cheating on me all the time.
You showed me exactly what love is not like,
Now I know what to go out and find.
Hawley Anne May 2023
Empty of my feelings,
Devoid of all emotion.
Is this really how you love me,
After I gave you my devotion?
Cheating lying and all the hate,
Spewing venom in your words.
Begging pleading second chances,
can't you see any of my worth?
I wanted to believe you,
When you promised that you'd try.
But deep down I already knew,
That that was just a lie.
So here you leave me broken down,
Alone and without hope,
I tied the noose around my neck,
then I handed you the rope.
Now numb inside my heart is empty,
I guess that was your goal,
You took everything I had to give,
And then you took my soul.
Hawley Anne Sep 2020
I feel that all the weight,
of the earth is just on me.
I have no one to help bear the load,
and this weight is crushing me.
I can see a future though,
where I might be alright.
It's gonna take a lot of work,
all my effort day and night.
Truly everything I want,
for my life, I can attain.
If I can just set my mind,
to not use m* again.
It's harder than I thought it'd be,
to kick this nasty habit.
But if you truly want something,
then work hard and you can have it.
Hawley Anne Sep 2020
I've been resisting this for quite a while,
I've been avoiding it and been in denial.
I didn't want to have to say goodbye,
I really wanted to believe you'd try.
But now I've come to see the truth,
there's no more love for me from you.
It hurts me more and more each day,
I wonder why your love did fade.
You seem to only want me or choose,
To see me if I have something that you can use.
That's not fair and it's not love,
Love me truly? I wish you could've.
But soon ill meet the one to heal my heart,
someone who'll care  my true counterpart.
I do deserve and I will find,
A partner who WANTS to give me their time.
Their love will never have to be forced,
because for them loving me,
won't be a chore.
You can do you now and I will do me,
and then we can see how happy we'll be.
I will find someone to love me for real,
and maybe one-day yourself you will heal.
If that day comes I'll be happy for you,
but please don't come back,
I don't want a round two.
So I am a bit sorry,
But I've given you time,
to prove that you loved me and that your only mine.
I no-longer desire  being stuck here with you,
you can go find someone who won't care what you do.
Its been a long time now that I've put off this letter,
never saying goodbye because goodbye means forever.
Now though I'm ready this is my last thing to say,
I loved you for real but it's Goodbye Shay.
Hawley Anne Mar 2023
Tattered wings,
now all that remains,
cradled her body,
in her own personal chains.

Trapped and tormented,
her sharp thoughts inside,
remind her she's nothing,
self hate intensified.

Where once she saw beauty,
only blackness remaind,
in the dead of the night,
shadows called her by name.

Whispers surround her,
they beckon from darkness,
she longs to go with them,
but she must remain cautious.

She knows who they are,
and just what they want.
She fought hard to escape them,
she knew they would taunt.

She had washed her hands clean,
and turned her back on them.
She had never wanted,
to see them again.  

With one small misstep,
she will be tumbling down,
no one to catch her,
before she hits the ground.

Laying broken and ******,
and all out of hope,
she wishes for death,
and reaches out for the rope.

Her demons have claimed her,
they have taken her whole.
She tried and she failed,
Crystal **** stole her soul.
Hawley Anne Aug 2022
There's a city where people are asleep on the streets,
with nothing to eat,
and some of them even lack shoes on their feet.
A city where overdose deaths are the "norm"
People are fighting for the doorways at night to keep warm.
Fentynal is everywhere and the addicts need help,
but with all of the stigma,
they're to ashamed of themselves.
In this city where people smoke drugs on the street,
and burn hand sanitizer at night for the heat.
Where the rents are to high and income assistance to low.
If you can manage the rent here,
there'll be no food in your home.
Moneys not spent on saving their lives,
no its spent on public art and yet another high-rise.
Tourist attractions and random art pieces,
are great when the overdose deaths AREN'T  INCREASING.
We need social programing and addiction resources,  
some good low cost housing or more food supports.
In a city like this what are the addicts to do,
just stay out of your sight,
as to not offend you?
Cops do Illegal searches and seizes,
and your friends tell you about the most recent  Stanley Park beatings.
In the mornings on Hastings Street the city workers come through,
now destruction of homeless peoples belongings ensues.
They can't even protest this or put up a fight,
because the City Workers come armed with VPD by their side.
This city treats homelessness as if it was a crime,
they are treated like **** that is not worth your time.
If you're homeless here dont  expect any respect,
in fact your human rights don't even have an effect.
This city is sick and its priorities need help.
Vancouver B.C you should be ashamed of yourself.
Hawley Anne Jan 2023
Shall I count the days now,
It's 4 thousand 17.
Time is not doing its job,
It's not reduced the pain in me.
Shall I count my tears now,
it's far over 4 thousand 17.
Every day, your memory,
comes back to sit with me.
96 thousand,
four hundred twenty six.
That's the number of hours now,
that you have missed.
Oh, so much has happened,
in the hours you've been gone.
My little girls are growing fast,
they'll be all grow before too long.
Mike and his girlfriend Kendra,
have the cutest ever son.
So I'm auntie Ray-Ray now,
being an aunt is so much fun.
You would have loved baby Jeremy,
he really is quite smart.
And the giggle that kid has,
would have easily stole your heart.
But again, I count the days you're gone,
4 thousand 17.
And I think of all I would have said and done,
if your death had been foreseen.
I could count the minutes,
I could even count the seconds, too.
But all this pointless counting,
doesn't get me closer to you.
As I sit all by myself and talk to an empty room,
I wonder if you're listening and talking to me too.
I wish that I could hear you,
and ask for some advice.
I know you'd know just how I feel,
and how to make things right.
Gut-wrenching soul destroying,
even after eleven ******* years.
I've given up on wondering,
if I'll ever be free from tears.
I miss you uncle I hope you know it,
And I'll forget you NEVER.
Once again, your Tweedy Bird,
Will love you always,
and
forever.
Hawley Anne Oct 2023
I told him,
"I love the stars,
because they are so far away, and it takes their light millions of years to reach our eyes."
Its impossible to know if the star we are seeing this very moment, is even still a star.  
I told him,
"We are looking into the past in real time when we stargaze."
I told him
I loved the uncertainty.
Because it made me feel things I once hid from.  

I didn't tell him,
That if I can still marvel at a long dead stars light.
Then maybe after I'm long gone,
after the very last photon of my being has gone dark,
maybe theres a chance,
no matter how small,
oneday my light might still be seen.
I told him,
"I love the stars and because of them,
Death doesn't seem so scary"
Hawley Anne Jun 2022
Appreciate lifes little things,
while you've got the time.
Enjoy your days with those you love,
you never know when they may die.
Smile every single chance you get,
So the world remembers you.
And live the biggest adventure you can,
so your regrets dont die with you.
Teach the ones you love the most,
everything you know.
And take any chance you get to learn,
always let your knowledge grow.
Don't be so over proud,
tame your ego a bit.
But do not have such low self respect,
that you let others treat you like ****.
Love with every bit of your soul,
even though someone will break your heart.
Speak with only honesty,
till your end right from the start.
Laugh at every joke you hear,
and every joke you say.
And if you are laughing alone,
keep laughing anyway.
Cry when you are sad,
if you need to shed a tear.
Never hold back your true self,
Just because you have some fear.
Dance when you hear music,
or sing along if you can.
Who cares if you can dance or sing,
you be your own biggest fan.
Take many many pictures on which later to reminisce.
But dont live life through a camera lens,
or you won't notice what you missed.
This is my advice to you,
dear reader and dear friend.
And I hope these words will stay with you,
Long after my life....
ends.
Hawley Anne Nov 2023
I never could have guessed it,
that addiction would swollow me.
This rabbit hole I've fallen down,
is so **** dark now I can't see.
I want help.
I know that I do,
I make myself sick because,
addiction made them take my kids.


Yet still I sit alone,
getting high
all by myself.
Looking at my future,
now placed high upon a shelf.  
I can no longer reach it,
it's getting higher up the wall.
Or maybe it isn't the shelf that moved,
perhaps its
I
that
began
to
fall?

This addiction keeps pulling me down,
I sink deeper every minute.
I wish I knew how to climb back out,

I wish I wasn't lost in it.

I wish I'd never started down,
the path that lead me here.
But who is it I would be now,
without the past 6 years?
Id be a different person.
Clean?
maybe or maybe not.
But the past 7 years have changed me,



I for sure have learned alot.
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