You take my breath away.
You're something else
From a faraway dimension,
Your eyes, the galaxies that
I watched under the lonely skies;
A thousand of blinding lights,
Star dust and fog
And I can't see
You blinded me
Baby, why'd you pick
Me?

there's a calm rage inside of me
and a furious gratitude

The borderline of chaos, the imaginary bliss of hell.
I sit in my garden with the wind speaking in my ear, ever so softly;
The leaves are waving and dancing on the wind, following an endless masquerade.
And I am a part of it as well - the mask
I'm wearing grew in on my face, and
I can't seem to take it off.
Just like them, I'm following the seemingly meaningless parade.

The sun has hit low bottom and the day is no more, all to be seen is the flashback of the better days,
with the same orange sky.
Sitting under the same tree.
Yet with every second, the leaves are closer to crumbling and stumbling across an obstacle.
But not you.
You've already hit rock bottom.
And your end is coming near.
But for the first time, after so many tries because you've been convinced otherwise, you catch a glimpse of something.
A light in this melancholy and agony.
The end is near, yet there is more to come.
For you, you've tried your best.

And it's the only thing that ever counts.

my
bones
could not stand
your strength; my
glassy veins
could not stand
being unhurt; my
damaged brain,
without knowing
what's good,
couldn't stand
being
okay
;
my
self
hasn't
learned yet,
what it means to
feel like i'm real in this
vile, horror circle of life
galloping through our
time, wasting time,
following time,
timing time,
feeling time, but
making our thoughts
to still remain
timeless
and
to
stand
hurtless
but my damaged
brain, not knowing what
is good, can never learn
how to feel good
how to feel real
how to feel
how to be
how
.
.
.
how
without
hurting
...yourself?

The abyss and emptyness.
A feeling,
craving other feelings.

Black.

Light.

Transparent.

All of a sudden, everything made sense;
My guardian angel
Must be a fallen one

i made a
promise, to myself
that when i get
older, i would
be better than
i was before
but i didn't know
that 'being better',
to other people,
meant
doing impossible
so it's no wonder
that i am no good
       that i cannot do good
that i
cannot
.
.
.
be better
.
.
.

when all
of my effort meant
nothing
to the people i
loved the most

starless night
in disguise,
no sunrise
endless dark

||             look at me!,      ||
i playfully scream,
                                    balancing at the edge
||     of the rusty rails     ||
used only by ghosts
of trains, and of
people

the cliff                                          
||       turns gravity        ||
to pull me closer,        
into a                                            hug
||    i've always wanted,     ||
like a good parent
after praising his son

the call twists my
                                brain
insides                 ­               
pulling me          
closer          
                             to the cliff,

and i wander,
and i wonder,
and i
||        s c r e a m      ||
and i wish
i could
cry.

||                          ||
the rails are
closing in,
i don't have
much time

to write what i say,
                        || and sa||y what i write
i wish someone
could love me
now.

|n|ow|,|
not even the
rails
want me,
i fall
into the void,
now,
i     di         ||e||                  ▫️

what a big writer you are,
with tears serving you as ink
in the end, always
leaving nothing behind

hold my hand
and even if it
falls apart,
just know;
you'll assemble me anew.
the world is ours to pursue.

constant aching in my chest
and i can't seem to help it
constant pain, physically felt
brought from the inside of my head
days feel long, days feel short
it's a sand hourglass constantly twisted
but each of them brings pain,
indecisiveness;
each of them is always
the same
in the unique,
painful
way

maybe i am mourning my own death;
perhaps i've been dying for far too long

rain is slowly dripping
down my umbrella;
soft, orange and brown leaves
still stick to my shoes

the misty fog soon discovers
the path ahead of me,
white flowers on the trees
are whispering a soft hello.

i hope, i really hope
you'll one day see
the beauty in peace

i hope, i really hope
you'll find in the world
what i found in you.

i am lost
and
shattered
amongst
memories

hello, dear Sun,
with the ever bright smile,
the Sun that seems I left behind,
the Sun that appears in my mind.

the Sun was always beautiful
and it's warmth was like no other;
it made everyone's day brighter,

if only she herself could feel joy.

i read the Sun's letter
and the wishes on the book she got me,
time and time again,
hoping, for once,
the Sun would feel some
of her very own, warm rays of light.

and so, very well,
if the Sun wishes to leave,
i will gladly go blind
watching the Eclipse,

by fits and starts
dreaming of times
i felt the warm, yellow strips,
glow on my face.

dear Sun,
if only you knew
i never meant to hurt you,
if only you knew
what i felt back then.
because feeling the dark
slowly creep in,
sensing the Sun
set back in,

i set off first.

and for the rest of the night,
i talked with the Moon.

the darkness wasn't new.

i left, when i knew i'd
be stranded in the dusk.
so i chose not to walk on that line,
but to simply indulge myself
into the night.

i left,
not you,
never you.
i escaped from the clouds
that were threatening
to drench me in poisonous raindrops,
i escaped,
knowing you'd eventually
turn off your light.

and so,
the mute silence
dropped the curtain itself.
it is made out of iron,
and i cannot lift it alone.
the Sun cannot get through.

if only Sun knew,
i never wished to leave you.

but the Sun would leave first,
this is something i just knew.

like a survival instinct
screaming i'll get burnt.

and eventually,
when the Sun left, or when
i left the Sun,
different emotions
would pass me through.

what i may be myself,
is this dark side of the Moon.

today, i give up,
for the last time,
like a shadow that evaporates
in front of a strong light,
and i am letting go.

today, i'll just hope
the Sun will remember
how special she is
and wish for the Sun
to finally be filled
with unwavering joy,
even if that may be
just wishful thinking.

the Moon at least loves me,
here in the gloom,
but i can't expect this out of a Sun;
"but you did not follow me
into the dark."

in this land of supplements,
you are the only certainty,
the original, pure essence
that can satisfy my lust.
no amount of medication
can cure me like you do,
no amount of drugs
could make me as happy as you do.
you take my lust and need for happiness
and shape it into something called life,
a life i can live,
the one i can be sure i want to live.
is this what will ultimately shape me?
or will my black void prevail?
or are you the black hole,
which swallows me whole,
and leads to something else?
when you hold my hand
i no longer fear death;
i fear for you,
and try to find ways
to satisfy you.
do i satisfy you?
or will you leave?
will the swinging make you seasick?
or will you dance in the strong wind?
or will i drown, while you drift away?
if i drown, would you still save me?
if i drown,
will you still miss this body of mine
my shell on earth
that i hate so much?
will you miss my soul,
like i would miss yours?
like i miss your body right now?
i know all of the answers,
you are as certain as time,
constant and continuous,
and your love is as comforting as life,
so i hope you know how much i love you
through this messy head of mine,
where my thoughts are escaping
and i feel ill
and i drive people away
but i hope you stay.

the ground is shaking.
a needle pierced my heart.
my lungs are ripped, too.
bleeding through the holes.
bleeding out of my mouth.
bleeding out, i'm bleeding out.

please, don't make a sound
as i lie on the ground
because everything familiar
is now disappearing
and i'm left like a stray dog
here, on this shaky ground.

the ground is shaking.
the earth is trembling.
the ground is shaky.
the earth is heavy.

don't leave me alone
in this pool of tears
as my world burns down,
as my temple for you
crashes down.