your darkness swallowed me
your magic tangled me in wires
your fingers with black nails shut my eyes closed
your knife pressured my larynx
your ways left me confused
your energy left me tired,
your life left me dead.

claws tore my heart apart
and it's aching, it's bleeding out

were they my own claws,
a lioness awoke? finally again
learning how to crawl?
or was it you,
who ripped it apart
guided by misty eyes,
blurred to the edges of the Earth?

how do i go on,
or do i drop dead on the floor?
how does such a gaping wound
ever live to be safely cocooned again?

my chest is burning,
and every step hurts
yet you ask me to put this
blade, right through my heart
what the hell did i ever do to you?

will i ever be enough?

hate me
for i deserve no good,
for i do my best;
but it is also my worst.

hate me,
leave me brokenhearted
with pain and apathy
and with just a stranger's number on my phone

once, it was your number
and all of my comfort and my heart;
i didn't know things would fall apart
once you were gone...

hate me
then you'll know
what being me
truly feels like

hate me
because now a stranger
uses your number
and if I called you
i knew i could never hear your voice

"Everyone's a protagonist of their own
story. That's what I thought", he said,
turning to face me:

"Until I met you.
Deliberately ruining
everything you succeed in.
Making destruction of yourself be art.
And allowing nobody else to learn it."

Unprompted,
he kept walking towards me.
After a few steps,
he stopped in his tracks.

"Are you not tired...

...of being the villain,
in your own story?"

I left out a single sigh,
and turned around.
Then I kept doing
what
I do best,

And stabbed myself in the heart.

fingers crossed
& eyes blessed;
your sweet melody
puts me to rest.

you took the
water, out of my lungs,
grabbed my hand,
and pulled me ashore.

i wanted to drown
but now i'm just drawn
to someone amazing like you,
&
why you like me, i've no clue.

maybe there is hope
for a lowlife like me;
maybe i can steal
some of your love,
for a coward like me.

perhaps you're the only one
to make me feel alive
perhaps i like this unusual sensation
even when he's just
holding my face in his palms.

maybe magic's real?
or is it just a fantasy?
whatever it be,
i keep my fingers crossed
for this never-ending dream.

life with you
could have been simple
and easy to swim through;
life with you,
could have been nice enough
to stay afloat, head above
the dark water

but,
who's to say
i wouldn't drown?
who's to say
you would not push me down?
i feel the salt
in my mouth, on my lips,
already,
and my heart is sinking down
to the bottom of the sea.

the crawfish are there,
eating my broken heart.

did i do right,
is this to survive?
or is it a fatal mistake,
writing my own end?
who's to say?

i guess
only time knows.

Lady Universe, please,
i stretch my arm out
in hopes for but one sign;
i am begging,
for you to overshadow me,
bury me with your knowledge,
if even for a second,
and show me just one sign --

is this really how it's supposed to be?
is the hole in my chest
written somewhere in the galaxy?

do i continue writing cheesy lines,
or do i take the knife
with my ever trembling hands
and cut off the limbs that connect me
to the reality that is now?

я катаюсь в грязи
пожалуйста, дай мне один знак.

the sunset brings me comfort,
will this life give me comfort?

моя маленькая красавица,
я твоя сияющая звезда?

i love you so much
and this feeling can never end
you are my home
so please,
stop tearing me apart.

is this ever going to go away?
Lady Universe, please,
i am but a slave of your mind.

all i'm asking for
is just one sign.

i'll watch the sunsets
in hopes of finding your beauty there.
maybe one day,
i'll finally know.

maybe one day,
i will understand.


With love,                                                        
jus­t a girl.

after four long years
and feelings so intense,
after four long years
when i was such a fool
to think i could be loved
after it all
the downs and the falls
the highs and the climbs

how could you
tear me apart?

where did all the respect go,
must i rip off my own head
just to make you satisfied?
am i to be chained to one place, and
never see anyone
just not to get slit by your tongue?

am i really that hard to love?

i gave it my best,
why did you stop trying?
since when did i deserve
such foul language
and threats to come to my house?
calls to my family,
lies being spread?
no friend was left alone,
then you explode?

what the hell did i do to you?
you impaled my heart
and poisoned it with your words
now my perception of love
is forever ruined
now i am unloveable
i am unloveable
after four long years
you showed it to me
i am unloveable
i can never trust anyone to
love me
without an expiration date
for i am unloveable

i am unloveable so much
that after four years, you told me
you didn't know how
disgusting of a place
this world was
until you met me

why am i so unloveable?
everyone will leave me
or i will must leave them first
for if you can say such things
after four, four ******* years
then there is something
fundamentally wrong with me

i am unloveable,
i am unloveable
it is just written in my destiny
in the code of the universe
in the deep seas of the galaxy
i am unloveable
deeply, unchangeable,
i am unloveable
it is that simple
yet so hard to grasp
it may never change
at least that fact will always
be by my side,
like an old friend,
a weird comfort
to know at least one thing straight
until the end of times;

i am unloveable.
it may never change.
it always turns out the same.

traces of you
are left in my poems
like a sneaky ghost
that quietly haunts me

like coffee stains
on a white tablecloth;
like a desire path
that leads to a cliff

i could delete my poems,
throw away the rags
and jump off a cliff

but i can never delete you
or the love i had for you

so, long live in my poems
amongst these empty halls
cheers for the good times
i hope i won't remember them at all

enjoy being a ghost
in the name of the love
that once was

they told me the sky was my limit,
then they dragged me through the mud.
they beat my brain up to dust,
flipped me upside down.

but, with dirt in my eyes,
i stared at the clouds
and my breath suddenly stopped:
the golden clouds, kissed by the sun,
stretching across the blue, blue sky,
brought me peace;
even for just a single moment
with the breeze softly brushing against me
their soft voices convinced me,
"You will be alright."

hugging you feels like my favourite song
your scent smells like hope, and
warm mornings, drinking coffee together
giggling, tickling, embracing
soft kisses land on our skin

you are my melody,
the soft glance i dream about
muffled guitar riffs,
the book that comforts me.
the wish you get after
throwing a coin into the fountain
or while gazing at a falling star.

please, don't crash and burn,
you made me believe in love again
don't be a fragment of my future;
never call me a stranger,
understand that how i feel
stretches into eternity.
sleep next to me,
i feel safe touching your skin
is it too early to tell?
i've fallen head over heels.

because when i stand next to you,
it's more than just a kitchen
wherever we may be,
it feels like home,
like i finally belong.
♡

you're a sneaky ghoul
that's eating my heart;
i never noticed
that love doesn't have to be hard