i am lost
and
shattered
amongst
memories

the ground is shaking.
a needle pierced my heart.
my lungs are ripped, too.
bleeding through the holes.
bleeding out of my mouth.
bleeding out, i'm bleeding out.

please, don't make a sound
as i lie on the ground
because everything familiar
is now disappearing
and i'm left like a stray dog
here, on this shaky ground.

the ground is shaking.
the earth is trembling.
the ground is shaky.
the earth is heavy.

don't leave me alone
in this pool of tears
as my world burns down,
as my temple for you
crashes down.

"Everyone's a protagonist of their own
story. That's what I thought", he said,
turning to face me:

"Until I met you.
Deliberately ruining
everything you succeed in.
Making destruction of yourself be art.
And allowing nobody else to learn it."

Unprompted,
he kept walking towards me.
After a few steps,
he stopped in his tracks.

"Are you not tired...

...of being the villain,
in your own story?"

I left out a single sigh,
and turned around.
Then I kept doing
what
I do best,

And stabbed myself in the heart.

Lady Universe, please,
i stretch my arm out
in hopes for but one sign;
i am begging,
for you to overshadow me,
bury me with your knowledge,
if even for a second,
and show me just one sign --

is this really how it's supposed to be?
is the hole in my chest
written somewhere in the galaxy?

do i continue writing cheesy lines,
or do i take the knife
with my ever trembling hands
and cut off the limbs that connect me
to the reality that is now?

я катаюсь в грязи
пожалуйста, дай мне один знак.

the sunset brings me comfort,
will this life give me comfort?

моя маленькая красавица,
я твоя сияющая звезда?

i love you so much
and this feeling can never end
you are my home
so please,
stop tearing me apart.

is this ever going to go away?
Lady Universe, please,
i am but a slave of your mind.

all i'm asking for
is just one sign.

i'll watch the sunsets
in hopes of finding your beauty there.
maybe one day,
i'll finally know.

maybe one day,
i will understand.


With love,                                                        
jus­t a girl.

your darkness swallowed me
your magic tangled me in wires
your fingers with black nails shut my eyes closed
your knife pressured my larynx
your ways left me confused
your energy left me tired,
your life left me dead.

after four long years
and feelings so intense,
after four long years
when i was such a fool
to think i could be loved
after it all
the downs and the falls
the highs and the climbs

how could you
tear me apart?

where did all the respect go,
must i rip off my own head
just to make you satisfied?
am i to be chained to one place, and
never see anyone
just not to get slit by your tongue?

am i really that hard to love?

i gave it my best,
why did you stop trying?
since when did i deserve
such foul language
and threats to come to my house?
calls to my family,
lies being spread?
no friend was left alone,
then you explode?

what the hell did i do to you?
you impaled my heart
and poisoned it with your words
now my perception of love
is forever ruined
now i am unloveable
i am unloveable
after four long years
you showed it to me
i am unloveable
i can never trust anyone to
love me
without an expiration date
for i am unloveable

i am unloveable so much
that after four years, you told me
you didn't know how
disgusting of a place
this world was
until you met me

why am i so unloveable?
everyone will leave me
or i will must leave them first
for if you can say such things
after four, four ******* years
then there is something
fundamentally wrong with me

i am unloveable,
i am unloveable
it is just written in my destiny
in the code of the universe
in the deep seas of the galaxy
i am unloveable
deeply, unchangeable,
i am unloveable
it is that simple
yet so hard to grasp
it may never change
at least that fact will always
be by my side,
like an old friend,
a weird comfort
to know at least one thing straight
until the end of times;

i am unloveable.
it may never change.
it always turns out the same.

life with you
could have been simple
and easy to swim through;
life with you,
could have been nice enough
to stay afloat, head above
the dark water

but,
who's to say
i wouldn't drown?
who's to say
you would not push me down?
i feel the salt
in my mouth, on my lips,
already,
and my heart is sinking down
to the bottom of the sea.

the crawfish are there,
eating my broken heart.

did i do right,
is this to survive?
or is it a fatal mistake,
writing my own end?
who's to say?

i guess
only time knows.

hate me
for i deserve no good,
for i do my best;
but it is also my worst.

hate me,
leave me brokenhearted
with pain and apathy
and with just a stranger's number on my phone

once, it was your number
and all of my comfort and my heart;
i didn't know things would fall apart
once you were gone...

hate me
then you'll know
what being me
truly feels like

hate me
because now a stranger
uses your number
and if I called you
i knew i could never hear your voice

traces of you
are left in my poems
like a sneaky ghost
that quietly haunts me

like coffee stains
on a white tablecloth;
like a desire path
that leads to a cliff

i could delete my poems,
throw away the rags
and jump off a cliff

but i can never delete you
or the love i had for you

so, long live in my poems
amongst these empty halls
cheers for the good times
i hope i won't remember them at all

enjoy being a ghost
in the name of the love
that once was

fingers crossed
& eyes blessed;
your sweet melody
puts me to rest.

you took the
water, out of my lungs,
grabbed my hand,
and pulled me ashore.

i wanted to drown
but now i'm just drawn
to someone amazing like you,
&
why you like me, i've no clue.

maybe there is hope
for a lowlife like me;
maybe i can steal
some of your love,
for a coward like me.

perhaps you're the only one
to make me feel alive
perhaps i like this unusual sensation
even when he's just
holding my face in his palms.

maybe magic's real?
or is it just a fantasy?
whatever it be,
i keep my fingers crossed
for this never-ending dream.

they told me the sky was my limit,
then they dragged me through the mud.
they beat my brain up to dust,
flipped me upside down.

but, with dirt in my eyes,
i stared at the clouds
and my breath suddenly stopped:
the golden clouds, kissed by the sun,
stretching across the blue, blue sky,
brought me peace;
even for just a single moment
with the breeze softly brushing against me
their soft voices convinced me,
"You will be alright."

hugging you feels like my favourite song
your scent smells like hope, and
warm mornings, drinking coffee together
giggling, tickling, embracing
soft kisses land on our skin

you are my melody,
the soft glance i dream about
muffled guitar riffs,
the book that comforts me.
the wish you get after
throwing a coin into the fountain
or while gazing at a falling star.

please, don't crash and burn,
you made me believe in love again
don't be a fragment of my future;
never call me a stranger,
understand that how i feel
stretches into eternity.
sleep next to me,
i feel safe touching your skin
is it too early to tell?
i've fallen head over heels.

because when i stand next to you,
it's more than just a kitchen
wherever we may be,
it feels like home,
like i finally belong.
♡

wicked dreams
drenched in sweat
leave a taste
that lingers when i awake

for when i am sleeping
your feelings are true
eight letters, that i chase
a feeling that can't stay

what a twisted dream,
and blurry day
i'm far less lucid than i'd say
through the fog, my arm reaches
for a truth that was never there

this dull knife in my chest
is digging deeper and deeper
the hole that he dug
is getting far more crowded
than my mind

in my restless dreams,
i turn and i turn
i pray to a deity
that would never return
i pray to a deity
and i hope you answer
or at least hear
the words whispered to the moonlight
the feelings i thought
are connected like two cups
and a single red string

what's one more ****** soul
on a pile of lies?
what's one more fake
"i love you",
one more untrue touch?

in my wicked dreams,
i pray and i turn
as the earth spins
as my world burns
as my heart yearns
and never learns

i pray for your soft touch
to convince me you're mine.
.
.
.
don't get on the pile,
you're the one i most desire.
don't be like everyone else,
don't make my head a lost case.

i pray and i pray
and send everyone else away
as long as you're mine,
and as long as i'm yours
we'll be alright
after these long,
sleepless nights

he doesn't love me
it's another crooked story,
another time my heart got chewed out
and spit out

he doesn't love me,
this tale feels as old as time
and i already know the way it ends
but i never learn

he doesn't love me,
all those words meant nothing
when they get trampled over harshly
no looking back
the dust never settles,
the stampedo always persists

he doesn't even need me,
was lust always stronger than love?
do you not feel lonely,
ripping hearts out?
was mine not worth even
a proper peek?

he doesn't want me
he prefers aged wine
yet wishes to drink from two glasses
i am not wine;
i was made to burn,
never go down the throat easily,
to scratch and make you puke,
never anyone's favourite drink
i was made to burn
and oh,
how i burn
i burn out,
i am set ablaze
a dancing dragon
on top of a grave
of my old self
burn
burn
burn,
leave no traces
of the past that once was
burn,
burn;
torch the emotions
set the insecurities aside
bury the love,
it was not meant for me
it was never for me

he doesn't even love me,
because romantic love
is just not something for me
in this lifetime;

but i keep trying,
old dog breaking itself
desperate to learn new tricks
and get a crumble of love
old dog,
they will not touch you
as to not get sick

old dogs never get enough love.

and in that moment,
i am 17 again
swallowing liquid flames
just a little girl
getting all the blame

in that moment,
i am re-reading the messages
running my fingers over
their icy, stone tower,
searching for a crack
in which i could drown in guilt,
which would bewray me as a liar
and a stake to be burned.

but,
my fort stands still,
for it is built on the truth
which does not yield
nor does it easily shatter.

it is wonky, it is ugly,
but the truth has never been pretty.
i break my nails on the strong wall,
cursing my own only merit.

for i am just a little girl,
perhaps,
about to be alone again.

I just needed someone to stay.

you're a sneaky ghoul
that's eating my heart;
i never noticed
that love doesn't have to be hard

i know when you're not yourself
your eye colour changes;
it's like looking into a stranger's eyes,
but into someone i know too well

i know when you're not yourself,
your tone shifts and raises;
you blabber twist all the words,
you commit a sin against yourself

it's an army i've watched,
and the general and the innocent
a sick wheel killing itself
a sick wheel turning on itself
and being hunted by itself
and the sick wheel turns,
time passes by, nothing changes
it's a tragedy written in our veins

the wheel turns on me,
but i don't turn on my kids
i turn on myself
i'm killing me
and all the generations past
are killing me

looking at you is not enough,
nor is pressing my lips against yours;

i need you under my skin,
your fragrant trace
in our messy, warm bed;
i need it to be you

i need you to leave no stone unturned
when you trace your fingers across my body
it is all familiar,
my body's a temple for your love
and it all collapses without your touch

everything made sense
and it all fell into place
the moment before we first kissed
with your eyes meeting mine,
shooting Cupid's arrows
and sending them right through my heart

when your electric touch stunned me,
when your mouth left me speechless
yet bursting with beautiful words
creating beautiful new worlds

[ like wisteria, alongside a gleaming lake
where children will play hide and seek
and reminisce about it, decades after
with a soft tone in their raspy, aged voices ]

let it not fall on deaf ears,
let our love not be silent
i need it to be you,
and i need you every day
i need you every sunset
and each time the sun wakes

i'd travel across the galaxy to find you,
and i'd crave you in each universe
even if i didn't know what was i
searching for
i would need you,
my heart would always flee to you
we'd meet in every timeline, each story,
and fall helplessly in love

let us be fools,
simple jesters, playing with everything
but our hearts
juggling and laughing
but sneaking glances, over our sleeves
where our hearts reside

i am completely yours
i'm giving right in
because i'm a fool when it comes to you
and there is no cure

except, pehaps,
you being by my side
forever and so on?

for you are the sun,
i am the moon
and we are the stars;
supernovas, when we explode
and vanish back to particles
return to dust, intertwined;
we will create and leave behind
something that will go on
and that will have your eyes

the world would be blessed
to have more of you
and if i can contribute
they'll have my eyes, too

tired,
traffic;
dark circles under eyes
i ingest caffeine
and far too little sleep,
yet you still visit me
in my dreams.

the stars flicker;
moonlight lands softly on the snow
when all hope washes away,
the wind blows your whisper
gently saying
that my life must go on

the soil no longer contains
your footprints
in our garden
that once bloomed
now, withered and dead

oh, how i miss you
i lost you,
but not forever
i will see you again

but i know you'd hope
it wouldn't be too soon

the wind
gently blows
and i hear your voice
but it cannot
wipe my tears away
like you would

nothing would console me
like you now could
if we could trade places,
i'd be dead instead of you

and when you look into his eyes,
does it finally click?
that he lives life for the first time too,
we're all under the same moon.
each perspective twists and burns;
but you are not earmarked
and they're not scars of
your own making

but you choose how to carry them,
and now there's radio silence
an echo of a sigh

and one day,
this sigh will echo back
we've come a full circle
and it has a different meaning

because you saw her broken back
and heard their side of the story
you saw his mother's grave
or where it'd be if she had one
and you finally got right
that one young man's favourite song
you watched him dance, alone
with shimmering lights, and
an air full of smoke
while his friends didn't know
the song that played in his heart

and finally,
you understand
because one day,
someone genuinely heard you
and borrowed your eyes for a while
and he'll give them back
but a piece of them stays
a quiet red string,
that whispers your name

and from now on
in the thread of life,
you'll be intertwined
you could have changed
each other's life
and never know of it
or ever talk again

just because someone listened
and saw you for who you are
just because someone listened
and stayed by your side