i lay down and the smell is in the air
i search for it
your scent

possibly amongst the pillows

but i can't pinpoint it

it fills me
maybe like a heroine addicts drug
on the contrary feels like the breaking seal of a water vein

everything explodes within me

all of my thoughts of you
my moans of your name
hand caressing my body

walking downtown
and your hardships

i can't believe
the simple scent
of the man i love
can bring so much out of me
that i can't fall asleep

sometimes when my mind goes to the darkest place
I wish we had drown
the night we fell asleep
together in the bath tub

so in love
we had no idea what pain was
we had no idea
of the storm that was coming

These vans on my feet are *****.
Dripped on by the blood of a won basketball game.
Dirt covered from the many mosh pits.
Torn on from my longboard grip.
Rubber grey from long walks.
Bled through tie die from lots of running
Brown stains from standing in the woods
Broken eyelets from a forgotten drunk night.
Missing shoelace caught in a bicycle wheel.

Only to be replaced.
Just like my love.
Like my summer.

it just gets really hard
you know?

i'm a ***** college student
and a hopeless romantic

they tend to bob and weave too much

i want you to pull my hair
BUT i want you to kiss me softly
i want to drunkenly make out with you
text me back first though i'm too scared

it all doesn't help
when my intoxicated alter ego is a temptress
and i turn into bashful the dwarf in real life

it makes things really quite hard

for the first time
since i was 11
i look in the mirror
and i actually like whats staring back at me

i don't know why it took so long to regain
the feeling of self love
and being content with less makeup
or none
in the mirror

i wish i know what could have happened
when i started looking at my little 11 year old body
and thought i was overweight

Oh my god i'm 75 pounds?! i remember thinking

I could blame my mom
or the boys who paraded naked pictures of me
criticizing my changing body in its early stages

i was made fun of for having supple *******
the first girl in my 4th grade class to wear a padded bra

i hated it
every second of my changing body

i started to get curves
and was known for having a "big ****"

and this "best friend" of mine told me she was glad she didn't have one

a boyfriend shot me down
"you can't leave me because no one will want you"

mother and step dad made fat jokes when i was 14
because i'm not obsessive compulsive with my diet

now i look in the mirror and i'm so happy
i love every curve from my arms to my ankles

and my dark brown eyes stare deep into you don't they?
grandma wasn't kidding when she said people would pay
THOUSANDS!! for these lips
and this square jawline has it's perks

i used to get paranoid when people stared at me
until i caught someone
and they told me i was beautiful

I FIND IT KIND OF FUNNY
HOW I USED TO SIGH OF PHOTOGRAPHY
AND YOU GAVE AWAY A CAMERA
BEFORE MY VERY EYES

ALL THE PHOTOS I HANG
ABOUT MY ROOM
TO REMINISCE ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT MADE ME FEEL SOMETHING
PERHAPS PURPOSE

I TOOK PHOTOGRAPHY FOR TWO
YEARS
AND I TOLD YOU OF MY DREAMS
OF MY VERY OWN DARK ROOM
TO DEVELOP MY PHOTOS
AND DEVELOP MY OWN FILM
BY HAND

NOW YOU ARE LIVING MY DREAM
AND I SAW YOU GIVE AWAY THE CAMERA BEFORE MY VERY EYES
WHEN I ALWAYS WANTED TO BORROW IT
DID YOU LISTEN
DO YOU NOT FEEL MY PAIN IN THE AIR
HAVE YOU DISCONNECTED YOURSELF

it bothers me how i can't take compliments
and i'm really confused

because it's not that i don't agree with them
"thank you I like my tattoo too"
"thank you I think I have a pretty smile too"

i think that i'm pretty
and i think that i'm cool
and nice

but for some reason when someone else says it,
I immediately wonder what they're up to

what's your angle man?

because i haven't been around someone sincere in a while
and i doubt that you're going to start it

you're much too attractive to be genuine
no one is perfect

well i take that back
one person is perfect

but he isn't around anymore
at least i pretend he's not

you think this is funny?
you cheer with your boys?
making nonsense and noise
go find all your toys

i could take photos of you
and they always show me the truth
of how beautiful
you
are

you're not one for dates
but i could take you
some
where

if you would maybe care
i would try
and we could be ly
ing
under the stars

but instead i'm in here
crying
wishing i was
dying
wish you were
beside
me

so why is it
surprising
that no matter what the
night
brings

i'm always
fanta
size
ing

about you
taking photos
without your
consent
i'm sorry i didn't tell you
yet
but you're my best
asset

funny i fell in love with a dark skinned boy named Justice during all this racism *******

....right?

when we're younger we feen for love
we crave something we've never felt before
hence why I was obsessed with Twilight novels
and cried during every Nicholas Sparks film

this is when we're barely growing *******
and boys are fascinated by bras and thongs
only later to love what is underneath them

we get older and experience grows
we eventually fall in love
maybe once
or maybe a hundred times

and every time it happens
it just gets harder and harder

we all let that one person in
they see all of our dark crevices
you parade the skeletons in your closet

and for a moment
sometimes longer
we think that this might be that person

but things get shaky
and we say things we don't mean

some of them move across the country
and others escape inside themselves

the ones we love are not always lovable
or they don't love us back

we build this thick skin
we hide behind drugs and alcohol
and we get too ****** up to remember when he held you in the middle of that field

we build up these hard walls on the outside
only because we are afraid to admit our innards are mush
and we can't take anymore heartbreak

because we gave ourselves to them
every achy memory
and they held us there
as we sobbed
and screamed
and punched away our demons

so now we are all afraid to love
because the purest thing we ever did feel
turned its back on us

love morphed into a demon within us
revealing its ****** teeth that were plunged into our hearts

we tell ourselves that we will never love again
for it hurts too much
and we are all too broken for anyone to love us again

that reassurance he gave you
disappears
it does not matter what he told you in that early morning shower
or how the warmth of your bodies came together in a foggy car

that is all the past
no matter how we reminisce we cannot get the love back
the purest of it has left us

so why is it when playing the field, we become so scared and insecure?
putting up this confident, independent front
where in reality we're praying for your acceptance?

women read loud magazines with advice columns
because we can't get the one on ourselves anymore
we're too insecure
and advice columns from a loud magazine somehow fit all of our situations

those bright words in that loud magazine can't fix the emptiness he left you with
when all you wanted was to be loved
and he couldn't give you enough of him

because he was broken too.

Sometimes those loud magazines are right
only the instance when they tell you to "be yourself"

it worked the first time didn't it?
a questionnaire in Cosmopolitan didn't tell you how to act that summer
your tactics from Manthropology 101 didn't get him to sit by you

it was your smile and the up turn of your eyes that made him fall in love with you
the sunshine in your hair and the freckles on your shoulders

he might have went away, but only for the fear of getting hurt like we all have
it wasn't you the second time around
one day you will need to accept that

So just be yourself
because that boy staring across the way at you
he isn't interested in your flirty planned out text messages
or the new lip stain that Glamour's guy panel has raved about

it's the blushing in your cheeks,
and that contagious smile
that got them all before.

So why stop that feeling again,
although you're scared to love,
why stop something that made you feel so complete before?

If he can give you butterflies again, an old self would call you foolish,
foolish for not taking your chance on the nice guy at the center.

*"It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does."
- Peter McWilliams

Anxiety is like the movie "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids",
except it's the sequel "Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves",
because you have no one else to blame for how big and scary the world seems around you.
To anyone else, a stair is just a stair,
but this stair in life is towering over me and I have no clue how to overcome.
This stair might be getting out of bed,
being around other people,
or shopping at a store alone.

Fairly easy tasks,
but I feel I have to ******* my oxygen tank and climb Mt. Everest.

Anxiety is like when you are sick,
and the bathroom is a mere 10 steps away,
but like in the cartoons,
the bathroom stretches to miles away before my eyes.
10 steps is now 10,000,
in those 10,000 steps to school, or work, so many things could go wrong.

Anxiety is knowing you're thinking irrationally.
Thinking against yourself in your head,
wanting to strangle whatever force is driving you mad.
Like finding an on-off switch,
but no matter how many times you flip it, nothing happens.

Anxiety is laying in bed,
plauged with possibilities of problems,
not moving a muscle,
paralyzed by the endless possible outcomes of failure.
I feel as if I'm in a big gray cloud.
I can see through it, but yet it is so dense I am captive by my own paranoia.

Anxiety is being a walking imperfection.
Where one zit on your forehead acts as a big red, flashing, arrow floating above your head saying IMPERFECT
DISGUSTING
UNLOVEABLE

Anxiety is wanting to love yourself
so so very bad
and fighting every day against a bug infesting your beautiful brain
with negative self talk.

Anxiety is trying to fall asleep at night,
and with every breath,
my body gets smaller and smaller,
my thoughts have weight like a lead balloon,
filling with every breath,
my head is heavy and I feel my chest caving in.

Anxiety is the anti-Cupid who stabs an arrow between anyone I've ever loved.
She is the imaginary mistress I can't help but suspect,
no matter how many times he says he loves me.
What if one day he doesn't?
What if one day everything I hate about myself he hates too?
Anxiety is the mistress he never knows is there,
and yet I push her towards him.

With Anxiety there are options.
There is one switch that does work.
It is a big red button labeled MEDICATION
this button will destroy every anxious though I may have
but often in wars the innocent suffer.

If this button is pressed, I lose everything.
Anger, sadness, paranoia,

I lose happiness.
I lose the feeling of love,
excitement,
hopefulness.

My heart and brain become an empty forgotten shoe box that I don't need anymore.

My body smiles when my brain believes it should,
and fills the air with laughter that isn't mine.

Someone tells a joke and my stomach never hurts from laughing.

I don't have crushes on cute boys.

My deep brown eyes look as if they are made of glass... Emotionless.

Kisses feel like flicks.
Hugs feel like uncomfortable, uncessary squeezes.

I find myself going through the motions, like an extra on a TV set.
Saying words that have no meaning.
Moving my mouth but nothing is truly coming out.

I stop petting my cat.

It is inconvenient when my dog greets me at the door and licks me.

My mother tells me she loves me and I despise it.. I don't know why.

I forget what it is like to feel.

I am a robot in a human's body.

If you tell me to take medication,
I am letting my illness win,
with a white flag in hand.

I refuse to throw away every piece of me for "peace."

there is a reason
passionate men fall in love with you

men
who felt nothing

there is a reason
everyone remembers you

there is a reason
everyone loves you

and those who hate you
envy you

find that reason

hold onto it

and for Christ's sake never let it go

I just want to understand
how someone so beautiful
  so flawless
could cause so much hurt.

One would think the greater being
whoever controls my heart
and yours,
  would not allow.

The greater being should not allow
one person
  to be able to obtain everything from me.

It isn't fair
that  with  one  look
you own me in a greater sense of the word.

It wasn't a secret
  how I loved you so
  yearned for your touch
  screamed for you in my dreams

and yet you took it as a such an opportune
time
  to crush me
into d u s t.

I'm Gone Now
I Cannot Come Back From This

you are literally haunting me tonight
this is a strange dream
and I don't know if it is the alcohol

you are also there
why are you in my dreams?
I have not felt you in a long time

there are these others that give me butterflies

i go to high school
the love of my life and I are together
he is here too

flashback
we are crying
flashback
I am on his lap and he is singing in my ear
flashback
he grabs my wrist too hard this time
flash back
I wake up with a smile hearing him in the shower
flashback
my mouth is awoken with kissing and tickles
flashback
he is crying and I don't know why
GOD PLEASE I'LL BELIVE FOR HIM
he cannot stop
sit down babe sit down
his eyes are so red
like blood

I don't want to cry
I need to be strong like always
I am a Stamm
I am STRONG

he is falling around
God help me please
what is happening to his brain

flash forward
the next morning

you didn't talk about it
you didn't want to
just Xanax

I have this dream
where you won't stop crying
and you won't tell me why
I am just trying to be ******* strong ******* it!! I LOVE YOU!! LOOK AT ME!! SHOULD I CALL AN AMBULANCE?! PLEASE BABE I AM SO SCAred.
Please
babe. Look at me why are you crying.
'whispers'
       please babe just tell me why are you crying
please it's ok it's ok please it's ok it's ok


my tears fall down the dark nape of your neck and your large head is cradled in my arms
I sat on his lap
but I cradled his 200lb body with the 150lbs I had
he shook and it used to wake me up at night
he would get the shivers
and I was so afraid he would "be like a cup, spilling over with just a touch"
I found out that day that love can really hurt
I found out that day I was in love...


flash forward
I've been taking benzos the past week
it amazes me how I feel so much relief
when even a piece of anxiety
flutters
like a moth off my neck

then they wear off
and I hate my true feeling

who knows how many I've taken
blacking out is my trend again

i am going to go to sleep now
please stay away

I only cry about you once a week now!!!
Once a week Justice!!
If you could read this I think you would be proud of me.
I hope one day when we are older we can talk like we weren't lovers.

I am sorry I touched your face Justice.
That was very immature.
I guess the best thing to say, is when someone is passionate.... When someone truly would put their life on the line for a person, in this case two people... And they do something that would normally hurt her....

I wanted to **** myself.... ok?
I thought I mattered to only two people
and it turned out I didn't.
I have never been so broken in my entire life.

Not as broken all of the neglect and mental abuse from an alcoholic father,
from being kicked out of my own house at 18,
having a mother who called me fat since I was 11,
not from having a boyfriend who hit me when I was 15,
worse than hiding my cut marks with silly bands in middle school ,
no you know I was broken by something else.

The love of my life and the best friend of my life going behind my back and being together.

My "future husband" hah
and my maid of "honor".      ****

But I fought through everything
through the cutting
the binge drinking
******* to feel something ANYTHING
requesting rough ***
starving myself
going through a car accident
I made it back.


Without the help of you two.

Now I work with kids 4 days a week, I am Ms.Shauna Mon - Wednesday for 2,3,4, and 5th graders, and on Thursday's I am Coach Stamm. I empower young girls to love who they are and to be healthy and to stomp any bad feeling about themselves with every stride in every cross country run.

So


Please leave me alone.
Figure all of your ****** **** up now
I'll do the same to you.
please please for my mental state

yes I am filled with doubt

I have two people in my head constantly arguing
about my worth

but one is stronger than the other

one is my demon
this demon whispers in my ear and reminds me of how everyone has hurt me
this demon tells me I deserve it
this demon reminds me bad things happen to bad people

this demon has won battles
scars here and there
physical and mental
but battles do not win wars

everything I have been through in my life
I have won
I prevail
I pick myself up
and I start over
again
and
again

i remember when I was 13
and tripped during a race
only to get back up like a spring
and finish it with blood running down my knees

so I will finish this life
no matter what my demon throws at me
no matter how many days I spend in bed
because the sadness put a hole through me
i will finish this race
even if I have to do it with ****** knees
the demon will never convince me
to end my life
I will win

I want to shout out my love
tell everyone about your wide smile
and boisterous laugh

how you shiver when you yawn
that you have a beautiful singing voice

but i can't
every time I try to explain at all
tied tongue
lost for words

because you are this great thing
and i have so much love
i can't even explain the feeling

my heart is pouring this feeling through my veins
this contentment multiplied by infinity

I want you to be the one
who makes me feel like i can move mountains
and do anything

You? this wonderful thing
believes in
me?

like really believes in me

so maybe
i can too

I'm not quite sure
As a matter of fact I'm not sure at all
Is this a test?
Am I passing?

Your attention span increased
Or maybe this is just that thing
What do they call it?
Friends?

Can't be.
Friends can't be in love with friends.

being in college is actually really fun
there are cute boys
actually hot boys
everywhere

so i don't mind walking to class everyday
seeing their sweaty abs in this heat

but at the same time i scold myself for even looking
because i feel unworthy

i hate to be the typical white girl who hates her body
but i do
i don't want to
but its almost like a disease that i can't stop

i'm addicted to putting myself down
and in my eyes that's almost worse than drugs

help me i'm insecure

Come back to me,
or answer your phone.
One of the two would make me happy.

Because you see,
my wrist is still broken,
and your hazel eyes are burned in my brain.

So just come back,
I can't withstand three more months,
your heart shaped smile is too pleasing.

I've been over you for some time
you enter my mind less often

I find your dark features among strangers
but I still have to find a laugh as perfect

The void you left has been filled with
new friends
drunk nights
and drugs

I still find myself wondering
what we could have been
should have been

"I love you but I'm not in love with you."
which I always refused to believe
and still will

At least I understand now
that you are not ready
for us
or anyone for that matter

"You deserve someone who can treat you like a princess."
because there is something deep down
that you cannot escape

It engulfs your emotions
and suffocates your dreams

I used to dig and dig
try to find it
**** it
and save you

Instead I almost ended up killing myself

because I knew of the love
I felt the love

the energy was there at 3 in the morning
in that empty parking lot
when we looked into one another
and smiled in the silence

when you giggled to yourself and looked at me
and held me in your arms
because you felt "so lucky"

The energy always stays
you can only tuck it away for so long

That energy is when I get a message from you late at night
or the spontaneous phone calls

It just hurts me

because one day you'll realize its not gone
it never left

**but I have

the worst part
of it all
is that
you're already gone

and I won't accept it

ever

it's rather terrifying
   how i can be ok one minute

then write a poem about you
  and want to pull the shard of mirror
     up my arm
       deep in my flesh
         and hope that the next life we may run into each other again

"Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen every day."

I told you I would never give up
I never did give up.

I love you just as much as i did 727 days ago
but you gave up on me
on us

you shunned away your feelings
and now you don't feel it anymore
you don't feel anything anymore

I can't blame you

love is a beautiful cluster-**** of emotions
but at the end of the day
  when your insomnia begins
Darkness fills your somber heart
and you ask yourself why she doesn't love you

but I love you
but that doesn't matter
because my personality and clothing choice,
will never make up for hers.

I want to be what you want me to be,
but no matter how hard I try,
I Cannot be her.

There is no amount of pastel makeup,
and sparkly shirts,
that will make me her.

I could obtain her exact wardrobe,
and hair color,
and that dumb laugh she uses,
when she makes fun of the less fortunate.

but I could never be *her

because I would never hurt you,
I would Never want to see you cry,
or in pain.

I would never do what she did to you,
to this day I Cannot Believe that she would be able,
to hurt someone so perfect,
and so genuine,
and innocent.

I just want to show you that I will never hurt you like that.

But you want me to be her,
and I'm sorry but that is the one thing I Cannot do for You.

If men were toys that you could buy at a store
And create like Legos or Bionicles or Lincoln Logs
Each time I would try to put together my perfect man

And each time I would build a less perfect you

Why mom?
Why is it that I always have to rebuild my confidence when i'm around you

Mothers are supposed to empower their daughters
and help them to love themselves for who they are

I shouldn't be hearing that my favorite clothes are unflattering
or that you're giving me "constructive criticism" on my makeup

Why do you always ask me first when i worked out last
or if i've lost weight

why is it that i have to ask my boyfriend to pump up my self esteem
because i think i'm overweight

why do i have to convince myself that i'm beautiful
when deep down i still don't really believe it

Most of all why are you trying to morph me into this woman like you

I don't want your "modern" *******
and my **** is big and fat
men love it and so do i

so **** your modern clothes
I'm wearing high waisted shorts

because my *** looks fan-*******-tastic

when i find myself with no motivation there's always a source
it's never just because i'm lazy,
or because it's too hard.

something is always hurting me inside and i can't do anything else

and it's you.

I don't know what to do because we will never be together
I've admitted it to myself and I can't believe it
I never believed anything you said because it didn't make sense

You don't want me?
But I don't understand.

I love you so much
more than the stars in the woods
more than any high i've ever felt
and i will take such good care of you.

I will spend every day trying to make you happy
and that will be okay because your smile is what fills my heart with that joy
that joy that can't be measured.

That feeling from so far and deep inside my chest that I can't even put it into words

But I love you so much
You don't want me?
I will never understand.

i thought you were brave
like me

i thought that we were both sick
but yours is different

you're not sick
you're a coward

anyone who hides behind an internet personality
and sleeps in my bed

is not fit for me.

This boy tells you he loves you?
***** you?
Confesses to you?

but talks about those fat ***** on the internet huh

sounds like that boy is confused

sounds like that boy made the biggest mistake of his life

if he doesn't fight for you
he's not worth fighting for

i remember when i was in 8th grade i wrote a really sad poem
it talked about how the bullying brought me to a numb feeling
after i wrote that poem i realized that poetry made me feel things again
whether they were good or bad
poetry helped me

but now when i write poems
i still love them just as much
its just
i want to feel numb again
i wish i could feel numb again

because most of the time i pretend i'm alright
i'm 18
I DON'T GIVE A ****
right?

no
not right
i give way too many *****
i give the most *****
i feel judged everywhere i go
on everything i wear
and everything i do

so it kind of *****
when one of the things that i've learned to love to do
turns into something that makes me cope with my emotions
and my insecurities
like no
go away
can you not with the feelings

i just want to get drunk
smoke ****
and have fun

the real world can wait
and even if it decides to go anyway

there is no way i'm dealing with it
not right now

it's just too much

if everything you did affected me
why should it stop now

when i wake up with you one second in my arms
wondering if it really isn't a dream

only to see more recognition
for those you talk **** about
who don't "know" you

but "i do"
i'm the "only one who really knows" [you]

i don't know what i was thinking
falling for a kid with a broken heart
and broken mind
thinking we could fix it together

when every time i think of his dark chocolate skin
and illuminating smile
i just see his demeaning comments towards women

i probably should have questioned
when you walked in on that girl ******* him
why you didn't wanna **** me instead

you don't know how to make love do you?
ah what a shame

such a waste

of 351 days

351 days
of wishing
for you
to open up to me

351 days
it took
for me to lose myself
and lose you
too

ha
but did i ever really have you?

you made a mockery of the only thing I had

you took the essence of me and laughed at it

I didn't want to be this way
I try very hard to be strong

I think to myself how I am crazy
I didn't ask to be born with a messed up mind

I live on a roller coaster in my head
and sometimes it breaks and can't go back up

I am sorry I am this way

I don't know how to be okay again and I hurt so much my brain flirts with the concept of suicide

I could never hurt my family and friends in such a way
but my heart is terrified of my chemically imbalanced brain

I am trying my best

you are my suicide note
my last dying wish
and my last will
of hope

i shouldn't have been 10 years old when you forgot me on thanksgiving
i shouldn't have been afraid of you coming onto me
i shouldn't have told you in the 8th grade that it was me or alcohol
i shouldn't worry when you have 1 beer
i shouldn't have been told you had a coke problem when I was 15
i shouldn't blame my mom for cheating on you
i shouldn't worry about you breaking glasses
i shouldn't be embarrassed to introduce you to my boyfriend
i shouldn't cry
grandma shouldn't say that i have to accept it
i shouldn't worry about you hurting the dogs
i shouldn't get sad when you ask me the same question 3 times
4 times
5 times
i shouldn't be afraid to have a drink with friends
i shouldn't worry if i'm turning into you
i shouldn't ask myself at 19 years old if i'm going to be an alcoholic
mom shouldn't say i'm my father's daughter
i shouldn't wonder why you can't choose me over the bottle
i shouldn't blame myself

you shouldn't do this to me
i'm "your girl"
your daughter

put down the ******* ***** dad you're drunk at 12 pm

don't you ******* get it?!
we could have done it
we were so close

so in love

you ******* left me
YOU ******* LEFT

yet you were there all along

we could try it all again
but there is no ******* way

because the thought of touching you
reminds me of so much saddness

that i would ******* **** myself
if i ever felt that way again

we almost ******* made it
almost ******* made it

i never understood smoking
held my breath around the aroma
said "Smoking *****" to an electronic pack of cigs

I saw the chemicals in the black light
I went to the funeral of my grandfather
death by lung cancer

But you see I think smokers don't care
they're aware of the 10 minutes off of their life
the poison
the WARNING packaging

but 10 minutes off of my life
i don't care

I'm too afraid to cut myself
but a burning cig in my lungs is good enough for now

If I was given a day
  By god
  Or whatever force there may be
It would be with you
In an empty room
  and you would speak to me
I would ask no questions
Utter no words
Invisible buttons would be connecting my lips

You would speak of it all
What makes you laugh
Favorite memories
Why you're so shy
  your weak spots

If you're selfish
what side of the bed you like
hot or cold  
sweet or sour
Marvel or DC

I would watch
knuckles cracking
touseling of thick hair
squinty giggles

My heart would grow immensely
With every
   Secret.  Hobby.  Weakness.  Preference.

watching your lips move
and your face morph
With every emotion

my heart would reach to you in sorrows
and leap at triumphs

Butterflies would become a typical occurrence
a smile tattooed on my face

that's all I desire
You
  I
voluntarily trapped in a room
shedding our skin
specifically yours

in no way is that strange
In fact   it's beautiful

everything someone finds beautiful about me
is untrue

in my eyes at least

Earl says he wants to **** the freckles off my face
but in reality its skin damage which seems to have engulfed the human race
with these girls sitting in sun ovens
coming out smelling like a burnt person

why is it in the 5th grade boys didn't like my freckles
and now the internet is obsessed with something i hated about myself

why is it that all of my pain turns into someone's romantic story

having a good memory isn't all it's cracked up to be
yes i can remember most wifi passwords i've entered
every lyric to a song that i've heard more than 5 times
quotes in movies after hearing them once
secrets people told me in the 2nd grade
throwing a flower into the casket of my late grandfather

yes yes i remember all of these pointless facts
maybe i'm good at winning arguments
but in reality i use all of this clutter
to cover up what i really want to hide
not from you
but myself
because some things we cannot forgive
no matter what we learn over time

us humans have trouble forgetting

and then this depression i feel every day
holding me in bed
i feel like i'm trapped in the warmth
because when i get up all i expect is disappointment
and sadness

do you have any idea what that even feels like?
you post all of these stupid depression quotes

but in reality i don't think you understand
because if you were REALLY depressed

you wouldn't want anyone to know you're hurting
no one could understand the hole in your chest that isn't there
the constant sickness that shows no symptoms

and the idea that you can just "get up and get over it"

there is NOTHING romantic about thinking about JERKING the wheel
there is nothing POETIC about wondering how much pain you would feel
if you cut up the stream, not across the river

there is nothing beautiful about mental illness
and no one will understand that

unless they find the day
where they're laying in bed
and they would rather dream of flying
and casting spells on our enemies
maybe saving a whole litter of puppies
in their dreams

where in reality its 3:30 pm and you've been asleep for 14 hours

but that doesn't matter does it?
because in this fake dream i feel better than my real life

i'm so sorry mom
that he did that to you
and that he's doing it to me

you deserved the world
but it was taken from beneath you
an all-star athlete
with a bright future
descended into drugs
and most importantly love

with an abused child
that grew into a hard edged man
who drank to much
and left without answers

this man we both love
but understand he will not change
he has a sickness
that will never be treated

this man we all love
has so much love
is so pure
yet was forced to be a man
at a young age of toy cars and bicycles

i feel so sorry for him
didn't graduate high school
drank at the age of 13
only to continue bad habits
his father spread to him

such a beautiful soul
that will be forever lost

i am so grateful mom

that you took me from this evil
the evil he didn't mean to create

maybe it hasn't been perfect but it's better than it would have been
away from the drugs
and the *****
and the band

you got your life together

i should understand
that maybe you don't understand
that I'm okay with my body
and i like having curves

Like we accept father for who he is
how he will never change
i should do the same with you

although this life hasn't been "perfect"
i'm still on the way to get a bachelors degree
thanks to you mom

thanks for reading me books
going to all the track meets
and letting me break down in your arms

it ****** me off when you criticize my body
and my clothing choice

but thank you mom
for not dropping into the darkness
and taking me with you

where is the support group
for Trans Masc kids
with bad fathers
alcoholic fathers

ones that didn't show up
and still try to tell you
what a man is
and isn't
and by God it isn't you

a Father with misogyny
ran so deep
that my body is
a beautiful woman's
and God made me
to be this way

Born into the beautiful body of a woman

where is the support group
for fathers who are so damaged
dating girls within 5 years of me

i've never felt safe around a man
even the one who is half of me

maybe why i don't feel safe around myself

where is the support group
for Trans kids
that are 27
who always wanted to be like their dad
until they got to know him

who found the masculine beauty
within their best friend
who picked them up
every other weekend

and now
who can't even stomach
to muster
that that is my father.

the guilt
of a kid who just wished one of us
would die

ENOUGH ENOUGH OF IT ALL ALREADY!!!!

can you please stop traumatizing me
its been 20 years
haven't you had enough?
where is all of this material coming from?
is this a never ending bit and i simply just don't get the joke?

I think the reason I hate myself so much
is because I have this impeccable memory
of every inch of you
every loving thing you did for me
every kisss
every touch

and for some reason
when you left
and I told you I didn't love you anymore
I somehow blocked them all away

Why can't I do that now?
When it could actually come to use

forgetting

but I can't forget anything
I remember everything

you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave

late night poetry is never something good
it is either about a boy
something you never got over

being in love hurts yes

but hurt late at night shouldn't be so misunderstood

Hurt shouldn't be the constant nagging question why I care so much for people who destroy me

including my father's alcohol problem
and the constant nag to meet up to my mothers expectations

I shouldn't have to question myself as to why i feel so much
and try so hard
to make sure everyone is happy around me

Even if in the end they're the reason tears won't stop rushing down my dry winter cheeks
and why by body shakes in tremors from the emotions i keep pent within me

I wish I could shut them all off for good
not just for my friends, family, lovers, etc.

Being alone is the worst
at that time I would rather have no emotions at all

if there was a series of words that I could say
to put you back into my arms
to rewind to the week before our year
i would say them
tattoo them
all over my body

but all i can say
is i am sorry
with tears streaming down my face
i am so so so ******* sorry
so ******* sorry

every time I wake up
I pull the covers over my head
and try not to let the tears fill my eyes
every time

sometimes I'll pile things on the side of my bed
so while I'm sleeping
for a second I think you're there
and I smile

I sit in my bed waiting
for a miracle
like a Disney princess movie
and I think I can hear your car pull up
and the door opens

I hope that I'll see your big smile walk in
and your beautiful face
I pray that I'll wrap my body around you
and cry tears of joy

I've imagined this sequence in my head
thousands
of times

There is a lump in my throat that won't go away
a pain in my heart that hurts more every day
a hole in my chest that is bigger now
a constant bad vibe away from breaking down

I miss when I didn't get sleep
because you snored too much
I miss when I could snuggle up
and you would wrap your arms around my body

You made me feel so itty bitty
I felt so protected

I even miss when I was kiss your cheek
and just so happen to kiss precisely where your drool was

I miss when I would kiss you on the lips
and you would respond in your sleep
with a delayed smooch to the air

I miss the most the every day I love you's
and the looks you gave me
for no reason at all

I miss the perfect body pillow
that was all mine

I miss your series of laughs
I miss your singing in the morning
that I would fall asleep to

I miss you
I miss us

Why did I have to ******* ruin everything

what hurts more?
knowing that you lost two best friends

or that the war between you all is never ending...

what hurts more?
the feeling of being alone

or the fact that you have been alone for so long you have become used to it...

I used to have suidical thoughts
DAILY

Can you imagine?
Waking up,
and wishing you hadn't.

Does no one feel like I do?
Am I a person filled with more emotions than others,
is this some disease?

Is this why I suffer from heart palpatations when I get anxiety?

will my anxiety **** me one day?

I am not sure.

I have felt great pain in my chest before,
and I have been to the emergency room,
because I was too afraid of my own hands,
and my wrists felt weak.

They used to yell at me to slice them..
I thought I deserved to die.
I wished I had died when I was hit by a drunk driver for a long time.

She took my car, I lost my job,
when I just wished it could have taken my life.

It isn't so dark now,
I wake up in the morning smiling.

If it wasn't for my friends I know I wouldn't be alive today.

They may never know how much they mean to me,
but they are my heart,
and the only reason I still try to love every day.

I can't live for me,
I couldn't live for him,
so I live for them.

Every day I get a step closer to who I want to be,
and it's all thanks to my friends.

I love you all so so much,
thank you.

I didn't wear makeup hoping I would see you today
we end up in the same spot and I feel a rush go through
my spine
and in
my stomach

I drove today
after all
that happened
after the accident

I moved forward today
and I will take another
step
tomorrow
towards
being
ok
again

I looked for your car today
typically peeking
out

they're still afraid to say
your name
around
me
always
with
a stutter
or
hesitation

they called you zombie today
I'm afraid
of the Xanax
because I'm not around
anymore
to
yell
at
you
because
I
loved
wait
love
love love love love
you

I don't want a zombie
I don't want to hear you're a zombie
I want what's mine back
and that's you
please
let that be
you

it's funny
I say
"we have to be ok apart
before we can be ok together."
but
it seems
that
we
were both
better off
when we were



together.

it is actually quite nice not having to see you
or worry about seeing you once a week

i never used to know when you would turn up at work
or maybe the supermarket
or even driving around in your Jeep

but now i'm three hours away
and i was completely 100% right when i said this would help

because yeah i think of you every day
if not twice a day

but i don't see you anymore
and now when i get a message
or a call

it's more like a friendly reminder
of the love that i used to feel
and how we would laugh
and you would grab my sides

instead of an ongoing steak
plunging itself into my heart
and putting pain in my stomach

i never see you anymore
so i don't have hurt anymore

but that scares me
because what happens when i come back
and i do see you
for the first time
in months

will it start over
or will my feelings be gone,
and will you be starting over?

i don't know if my mom doesn't know how to be a mother
or maybe doesn't know how to mother me

because she was the first
to tell me i needed to change
instead of telling me to be who i am

i wish she looked at my poetry
and saw how much people enjoyed it
what it brought out in others
whether it be pain
or a laugh

the fact that i can make people feel
with words

but instead it's a sad call for help
a mentally unstable act

i've had countless tell me they were beautiful
that I
was beautiful

and to this day
my mother only says it
when she's drunk or crying

and i still don't believe it

its a very slow build up
almost unnoticeable

throughout the day you feel off
it seems like you're putting more effort into everything
mentally that is

everything just seems harder
it not difficult
but there isn't any will

you notice you're faking a laugh
and staring off into space

and then it'll hit you

the smallest thing triggers it

maybe breaking a plate
cancelled plans
burning your finger

but sometimes there isn't a trigger at all
it's a tsunami tide that fills your whole body
and you wish you could push the sad away

but it claws its way into your heart
and muffles your brain

nothing is connecting
and all you can focus on
is the sadness
that is overwhelming you

crippling you into a ball on your bedroom floor

shaking your body in the shower

a sadness that you didn't see coming

because
you
don't
know
why

why you can't stop crying
why you're so sad
why your brain won't just work right!!

WHY can't I be happy?
why do I have to put an effort into being happy?

and for a second you understand suicide
because you could stop all of it

for good