where is the support group
for Trans Masc kids
with bad fathers
alcoholic fathers

ones that didn't show up
and still try to tell you
what a man is
and isn't
and by God it isn't you

a Father with misogyny
ran so deep
that my body is
a beautiful woman's
and God made me
to be this way

Born into the beautiful body of a woman

where is the support group
for fathers who are so damaged
dating girls within 5 years of me

i've never felt safe around a man
even the one who is half of me

maybe why i don't feel safe around myself

where is the support group
for Trans kids
that are 27
who always wanted to be like their dad
until they got to know him

who found the masculine beauty
within their best friend
who picked them up
every other weekend

and now
who can't even stomach
to muster
that that is my father.

the guilt
of a kid who just wished one of us
would die

ENOUGH ENOUGH OF IT ALL ALREADY!!!!

can you please stop traumatizing me
its been 20 years
haven't you had enough?
where is all of this material coming from?
is this a never ending bit and i simply just don't get the joke?

my thighs are burning hot,
these skinny jeans feel like snowpants,

hands shaking ,
putting on a necklace,
can't stop dropping the clasp,
clasping onto breath.

cough gagging.

smelly feet.

electricity in my knees.

the creaking is so loud.

how do you do this?
who bestowed this magic
into your strong delicate hands?

falling into a bat of acid,
born another planet,
pulled the sword from the stone,

where does this power come from?
in a soft smile paired with linen eyes,
iridescent beams through my chest,

pulling on my tongue ,
you find my kryptonite,
and I was never a DC girl myself...

but maybe you are a beautiful mirror,
you reflect the powers of your opponent.
physically rather
than
spiritually

maybe the way you make me feel,
is more a reflection of my power,
exerted into a physicality.

weaves my veins into my bones,
blows up my diaphragm ,
hives on my neck..

the true power is within me, though.

this much love,
coming from a little freckled white girl,
is my greatest weapon.

for you will never feel as deeply as i have.

you will never laugh like i do,
but you will never hurt the same.

what a price to be passionate.

but more importantly.

what a power.

hello
i love you
your middle name?
i don't know

but i said that i love you
enjoy your ****** fantasies
pour concrete into art
pour me into your plants
pour you into me

do whatever you will
wherever you may
with whomever you please

just try and think of me

just know that i love you

I need not a soul but my own
trouble finding it
lost like keys
hidden under clothes

when I picture your face
it is soft
skin like sand
sink your body into it
warm yourself

unorthodox appearance
rhyme or reason
idiosyncratic
but pleasing

my mouth is watering
control is merely an idea
hard to compute
mathematics to an art major

let me put together
a perfect picture
redwood brown for your eyes
sweet salmon lips

heart flows to stomach
stomach flows to heart
internal lava lamp

tea kettle rising
on the back of my neck
keep it cool
while you’re heating up

coffee shakes
chug a water
to slip
into it

the sun will burn out
one day

it seems
this is a paradox
it is the sun
after all

light
warmth
life

the heat on your face in the summer
can eventually run out
of marb red cigarrettes

burning on a meal a day

sometimes i wonder
how can she do it

laughing down on you
like the smiling baby face
on pbs kids
incessantly

bringing inspiration
the reason
for
well

everything

to create
eat
just
just

hiding behind cloudy skies
which are metaphors
uplifting wet concrete bones
which are metaphors
in the stark of shivering sadness
not a metaphor

i am alaska
six months of darkness

sleep sun
eat sun
scream!!

sometimes our pain shows in our dreams
and i see you there

the last thing I want you to do is leave
the first thing I want you to do is leave

it is not your fault i have these feelings for you
I will not burden you with the knowledge
of my deep deep
....

when i think of you my eyes get heavy
a smirk forms across my face like gingerbread

my chest feels like a woofer slamming to the beat of my heart

so many cliche ways of saying

i feel for you

more importantly

i do not want to affect your trajectory
your goals
art
passion

is why my heart feels plump as a plum
where it felt like stale bread less than a month ago

i count every moment with you and feel it is sacred
i wish to spit out my feelings like a crazy daisy

am i naive to think no one notices?
how i stare
smile at every word
can't keep my invisible hands
off
you

most memories have faded from me
narcotics stole my soul

you reminded me that i had one

now
i understand radiohead songs

i glance over inbetween heads of people
just enough to get a look
but covered enough to hide if i get caught

almost every poem i have written is about a man
why is that
why must i fall in love with every creature i deem beautiful

why do i feel this sense of NEED to have you when
you've been in my life
less than a month

more importantly i feel the NEED for you to NEED me
WHY

more importantly
you fall in love?

only for me to crash it down?
only for me to detach
and walk away
as if i never felt a thing

why am i someone who yearns for something until they achieve it

and when it is achieved there is no use

what do i really want?

sometimes i see you in my dreams
this could be seen as painful
for i will never have such a time with you
in reality.

but maybe we should all look at this as a blessing

when i see you there are no fights
i am not nervous
and we both seem to forget the hate we have
the anger we have
the sadness
regret
towards one another

it is peaceful
merely two people crossing paths once again

we are polite
and curious
and we listen to one another

so maybe when i see you in my dreams
i should treat it as a loved one from the grave

although you are very much living
all the love we had was dead now

i will be content with only seeing you
in my dreams
in fact - i’ll look at it as a blessing

better to see you
in a pure figment if my love for you
to not see you at all

or to see you
with anger stricken on your face
from the very sight of me

without
the pain in my stomach and forever lump
in my throat

we can just be
just
be
around each other

i suppose it is better
than nothing at all

I still have the Skype app on my phone
I hadn't used it since the 11th grade
But now it takes up my phone's memory
Just in case you might call

You know it's been what?
5 days? A week?
**** still *****

We hadn't even started
and here I am in this anguish

Maybe that's why it hurts

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream

Wow that really sinks it's teeth into my charred heart now doesn't it

I can smell you in my brain still
Feel my hand in your hair
your wide chest made my broad shoulders feel like elegant vines

you made me feel beautiful
makeup barely touches my face these days
every time i take the black stick and brush my eyelashes
i hear your voice
"Don't do it! You don't need it."

...

I just want to laugh with you again.
Funny - what I would give
to be in a hotel room
worried about my period
drinking Jack with a boy
that I've had a crush on since the 11th grade...

...

Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out

of my life?

This is why my heart feels like it is pumping tar
instead of blood.

I don't understand why this happened to me
why did "God" bless me with such a memorable month
only to pull it from underneath me?

I am like a toddler that gains the momentum to walk
only to trip on my own feet
and barrel head first into a coffee table.

But worse-off
I didn't end up with a harry potter scar
but a physical pain in my chest
made up by a feeling... in my head?

THIS is why I think I'm crazy-
Because how could any sane person
fall in love
with someone
she saw for a month
mostly through a computer screen?

Is it?

Is it possible

To fall in love

In one night

In La Crosse, WI

in a hotel room

a walk down a torn up road

a makeout at a random bar

catching a cab

falling asleep

and waking up

in the same position

because

it

felt

like

home.



is it? is it possible?

you were a blip of light in the dark
a firefly floating close to your face
you catch a glimpse in time to see the magic
and then it is gone

like the first sip of a fresh bottle of coke
that doesn't quite taste the same later

although it was a small moment
the smiles and laughs
are ingrained in me like a S + Z in an old oak tree

but now the oak tree has been torn down and forgotten
so now only the memory lives on

i think what hurts the most is your beauty
and how you failed to see it

how every curvature of your being was exactly
what i pictured
perfect would be like

how i felt like i was 16 again swooning over you from the shadows

how every moment i had the opportunity to speak with you
was like a dream come true
but i guess that is exactly it

a dream

something you wake up from and have trouble remembering
you pick for the pieces of shattered glass but they disintegrate with every touch
until the dream in merely a spirit floating in your head
whispering hints of your touch
and how your arms felt around me

IM SO ANGRY
that i only had one moment with you

that I AM SO ******* FAR AWAY
from all the love I want

it could be so different
i'm crying now

i had less than 72 hours with you
and if i could i would replay the night over and over
memorize the details

your kiss

BECAUSE I AM SO ANGRY!!!

this place has robbed me of all of my happiness and i don't know how i'm going to make it out alive....

I'M SO SCARED YOU ******* SCRUB IM SO ******* SCARED

AND YOU AREN'T EVEN HERE ANYMORE TO HELP ME

IM SO ******* SCARED I JUST WANT TO ******* DIE

IM SOBBING

IM SOBBING

IM SOBBING


and then i shut it off

and i am numb






all


over



again

I followed you into the dark
I came out - crippled
- deformed
I looked the same on the outside
But all could tell something was
    Different
I was thinner
My jaw gaunt
Eyes covered in makeup
Lips overlined
The paint on my face was hiding something

On the inside I was black
There was darkness
Where my guts used to be yellow
And my heart a crimson red
Now everything was a deep , dark
Navy blue

Beautiful
Yet somber

I followed you into the dark
We do it for love
All would do it

But when you go into the dark you don't come out
The same
You come out angry
And you lose part of yourself
To the darkness

Your dark eyes are no longer filled with spark
But pain
Worry

They search for darkness to match themselves
Instead of light it searched for before

So I find another partner
Who is also dark and twisted

We take drugs together and smoke cigarettes
In my bedroom

I glance down to the cigarette burn on my breast
I tried to burn out all of the navy blue

I could feel it consuming my heart

Years later navy blue floats about inside me

Now I am the deep violet
Filled with some warmth
But equally matched with somber

I am still filled with anger
Disgust
Envy

So much impurity

I think of you
And my stomach churns
Not from butterflies
But from maggots
Eating away at every yellow speck within me

You are everything I do not want to be
The idea of being with you was once my dream
This nightmare again and again where
I would capture your love
Only for you to steal it away again

But that wasn't a dream
It happened
Weekly

You showed me your love
And instead captured me

Captured my yellow
You used it
To fuel your cackling laughs
Your large smile
Using your wit to stab me

Invisible holes covered my body
And your navy blue seeped out of you
And into me

You whipped my body against yours
I thought it was love
The only way you knew to show

But it was anger
So much anger

You slammed my mouth against you
Until I threw up

And kissed me with satisfaction

Did it please you?
To see me in pain

To know that you tore me apart
And my body couldn't handle it

So it did the only thing it knew
It went limp
Gave up

All of my yellow came out of me

Your navy blue seeped into my veins
My mouth
My brown eyes went black

Did it feel good
To **** the only love out of me that I knew

This is why you haunt me still
Because I followed a fairy into the dark

Only for it to transform beyond the shadows
And steal my soul away from me

In my nightmares you assault me

Throw me around

And no one believes me

Maybe I dream this way
Because it is what I lived

How could a fairy hurt a fly?
How could

A fairy

Steal the love from the living
And make them feel dead?

I guess they will never know.

four years -
it's been four years since I fell apart for the first time over just a boy..
i don't even remember how much I hurt.
but I remember feeling I wasn't good enough.

I remember hating my body and hating everything about myself.

four years later I wouldn't say I love everything -
but I would say I can look in the mirror and like what's looking back.

because of you I fell in love with another skateboarder.
because of you I took time to listen to the quiet ones.
because of you I learned patience, and to keep fighting for what you love no matter the pain.

I mean maybe I didn't need that last part-
Considering I've been chasing the same young boy ever since I stopped chasing you.

He called me one night - years ago..
after reading the poem about you , and a few I had written about him.

Crying because he felt the love fading...

it faded.

Was that to welcome you back in?
Do things happen for a reason?

Maybe the boy I used to watch skateboard by the grocery store on clairmont is the one I've had in my heart all along...

But I must warn you:

My heart- its much colder now.
There are thorns around it - and if I thought I couldn't get to yours all of those years ago, how would we get to eachothers?

Your love is the strangest I've known.
No one talks of me higher,
but no one has so little to say...

If that makes any sense at all.

I'm excited to see you tomorrow.

You're the one who got me writing these.

You're the person who sparked Shauna's journey into herself.

Thank you.

Can't wait to see you.

I told you today
Sometimes I wish I had never fallen in love with you

I had to hurt you to see if you felt anything at all
And you did
I'm sorry

It was the truth
I'm even more sorry for that

But still
I love you today
I'll love you tomorrow
And I'll love you even when you stop loving me

I'm upset with you.

I'm very upset that you treat me the way you do

Why is it that everything I do is pending approval,
Every action better be warranted,
And be the ultimate secret.

All I've ever wanted was to be in your life,
I got a taste and made love to you,
Because that is all that I could have.

You have the AUDACITY ,
While we are together,
In the most intimate moment,
"DO YOU LOVE ME?!"

OF COURSE I ******* LOVE YOU
IVE LOVED YOU EVERY DAY
TEARS RUSH DOWN MY CHEEKS
ALL BECAUSE I CANNOT HAVE YOU

WHY MUST I BE SO STRONG TO KEEP MYSELF
FROM YOU

WHY DO U NOT HAVE ANY FEELINGS
FOR ME
WHY AM I THE CRAZY ONE
WHY CANT I GIVE AWAY
A
SLIVER
OF MY FEELINGS

JUST SO I CAN STEP AWAY

and breathe

Anxiety is like the movie "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids",
except it's the sequel "Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves",
because you have no one else to blame for how big and scary the world seems around you.
To anyone else, a stair is just a stair,
but this stair in life is towering over me and I have no clue how to overcome.
This stair might be getting out of bed,
being around other people,
or shopping at a store alone.

Fairly easy tasks,
but I feel I have to ******* my oxygen tank and climb Mt. Everest.

Anxiety is like when you are sick,
and the bathroom is a mere 10 steps away,
but like in the cartoons,
the bathroom stretches to miles away before my eyes.
10 steps is now 10,000,
in those 10,000 steps to school, or work, so many things could go wrong.

Anxiety is knowing you're thinking irrationally.
Thinking against yourself in your head,
wanting to strangle whatever force is driving you mad.
Like finding an on-off switch,
but no matter how many times you flip it, nothing happens.

Anxiety is laying in bed,
plauged with possibilities of problems,
not moving a muscle,
paralyzed by the endless possible outcomes of failure.
I feel as if I'm in a big gray cloud.
I can see through it, but yet it is so dense I am captive by my own paranoia.

Anxiety is being a walking imperfection.
Where one zit on your forehead acts as a big red, flashing, arrow floating above your head saying IMPERFECT
DISGUSTING
UNLOVEABLE

Anxiety is wanting to love yourself
so so very bad
and fighting every day against a bug infesting your beautiful brain
with negative self talk.

Anxiety is trying to fall asleep at night,
and with every breath,
my body gets smaller and smaller,
my thoughts have weight like a lead balloon,
filling with every breath,
my head is heavy and I feel my chest caving in.

Anxiety is the anti-Cupid who stabs an arrow between anyone I've ever loved.
She is the imaginary mistress I can't help but suspect,
no matter how many times he says he loves me.
What if one day he doesn't?
What if one day everything I hate about myself he hates too?
Anxiety is the mistress he never knows is there,
and yet I push her towards him.

With Anxiety there are options.
There is one switch that does work.
It is a big red button labeled MEDICATION
this button will destroy every anxious though I may have
but often in wars the innocent suffer.

If this button is pressed, I lose everything.
Anger, sadness, paranoia,

I lose happiness.
I lose the feeling of love,
excitement,
hopefulness.

My heart and brain become an empty forgotten shoe box that I don't need anymore.

My body smiles when my brain believes it should,
and fills the air with laughter that isn't mine.

Someone tells a joke and my stomach never hurts from laughing.

I don't have crushes on cute boys.

My deep brown eyes look as if they are made of glass... Emotionless.

Kisses feel like flicks.
Hugs feel like uncomfortable, uncessary squeezes.

I find myself going through the motions, like an extra on a TV set.
Saying words that have no meaning.
Moving my mouth but nothing is truly coming out.

I stop petting my cat.

It is inconvenient when my dog greets me at the door and licks me.

My mother tells me she loves me and I despise it.. I don't know why.

I forget what it is like to feel.

I am a robot in a human's body.

If you tell me to take medication,
I am letting my illness win,
with a white flag in hand.

I refuse to throw away every piece of me for "peace."

unfortunately due to privacy concerns
i will no longer post public poems
i'm kind of an idiot for not realizing you can post private poems in the first place

maybe because to one person i didn't want them to be private
but we all grow up sometime dont we

i wished to share my art with the world
and a girl who thinks im obsessed with her life
will not leave my life alone

i feel bad for you
it must be sad to have such no meaning in anything that you do

how sad it is that someone wishes so much pain within another
if i see you again i will do one of two things

ignore you
or beat you senseless

if only i was joking
now please
for your own safety
leave me alone

I'm really mean to my cat sometimes and I don't know why
today as I lay in bed
sweaty with a headache after work
all I wanted was kitty cuddles

I spooned her fluffy-ness and had a flashback to when she was a kitten
and you spooned me
and I spooned her
I awoke in the night terrified thinking I rolled over her
only to find her on one side and you on the other

I had my family
I was so content
with my two loves

you were angry at me for getting a cat
because you were allergic
but again like always you failed to inform me of how you felt and later retaliated against me when I couldn't read your mind
always claiming "I knew"

I'm really mean to my cat sometimes and I know why
when we can't find someone or something to blame we will pick anything to make us feel better
even if subconsciously we have no idea we're doing it

you were allergic to her and it strained our relationship
I blamed a cat I love with all my heart
because I could never understand how you could have flipped into a totally different person
it's not her fault
it's not my fault
it's not the other man's fault
it's not even your fault

losing love hurts especially when it just happens
we may love until we feel our bodies writher from pain from crying
we may love until we are dead

but I will not take the blame anymore
and I wont put it on my cat either

don't blame the rain on the weatherman

you can't get mad at me
because I remember when you begged
and you cried on the phone
and told me you read all of my poems
and that you were sorry
and you would make everything better

because you knew how I loved you so

but it was already so far gone
it was much too late

I had already cut out a piece of my heart
and soul
that I will never get back

so you can't get mad at me
for struggling to give you space
because you and me was all I ever knew

and I made it all the ******* way back
this time last year I wanted to **** myself
**** MYSELF FOR JESUS ******* CHRIST
AND IM STILL HERE
WITH NO HELP FROM YOU

I made it I made it

I made it

tears of joy fall down my face now
because I didn't do it!!
I didn't do it
God knew I was far too important to take my own life
and that I deserved to find myself again

I can't promise you most things
but I will promise you this

I won't fall in love again like I did
and I'm not trying to be sentimental
or nastalgic

love tears you to pieces
while you think it's stitching you together
until you realize
the stitches were made of glass
and the hands you left your heart in were made of thorns

so I stole it back
and I'm stitching up myself now

I'm using my pain as my indestructible thread
to piece myself back together

so you can't be mad at me for trying to deal with things the best I can

because I MADE IT BACK
I DID
you may have felt your own pain but you can never be in my head
and I wouldn't wish that upon you

so don't accuse me of trying to destroy you
when the only thing I've come close to destroying is myself

this isn't about you
this has always been about me

my brain has felt foggy for quite a long time
it seems only drugs can clear it away
and happiness and love are able to find their way through

the hardest thing to ever accept is that this is how I am
when did I become such a sad girl
when I used to be the one who was always smiling

when did I become so afraid of being alone
and when did I love sleeping in my bed laying in my tears
rather than being outside and enjoying the Earth
my heart is heavy today
and it is hard to find the will to move my legs up from my bed
and to walk across the street

the only thing that can give me life is people
but at the same time I feel the constant desire to be alone in my thoughts

when will this constant battle end
when I am dead?
it frightens me
to think all the pain goes away when I am no longer living
but it also comforts me

everything will be okay soon
I know that
but today
half of the day inside alone
has felt like it has aged me four years
and I'll look at my face in the mirror
and see more lines
from stress
and sadness

thank goodness pain isn't reflected on the outside
for I wouldn't be a pretty sight

when I woke this morning
my eyes shot open
and I realized how truly awake I was

a strong desire to fall back asleep
to avoid feelings that have been haunting me

each night my lullaby is a prayer
asking for help
not for me
but for you

it helps me sleep soundly
knowing that God had heard my pleading prayers
because I am helpless in this state

I am ok
I understand that now
that I will be fine
but I worry about you

God separated us so violently
so maliciously
and so carefree

because I needed to truly find myself
to understand my feelings
and my heart

had I never lost you
I would have never found my art
my poetry

it may have driven me into the arms
of a ****** up love with someone else
but now I am so strong

so I pray for you

I pray God is testing you as well
opening up a door you long bolted shut
prying his fingers underneath where I couldn't reach

I wish I could break down this door
but it is a part of you
and I wish to never break you again

I'm sorry for everything
we both know

but I'm not sorry for God's plan
for we can feel it in the room
in our heart's frequencies

I am here
do not be afraid
do not let her make you feel sorry
or helpless
or scared

you told me you do not need anybody
and that includes me
and that is alright

but please get out
I am so afraid for your health
all I want is your divine happiness
and all she is bringing is frustration

I miss the innocence
and sincerity
of knowing nothing
about
someone

they are anything you view them
or want them
to be
for just an instance

they are mysterious
beautiful

but one day you pull back the curtain
and behind is a lot of thorns
anger
violence

protecting a heart covered in bandages
that cannot take another blow
for it took many very young


the mystery of knowing nothing about someone
is as simple
and beautiful
as love

without love we know no pain
but what is love without pain?

a smile could be a mere smile
and each day would just be another day
never having to re-adjust to being alone
after a year has passed

young people are searching for someone
to make them feel complete
possibly wanted
wanting to feel purpose

but they don't understand
how simple
and painless
it is to know someone from
afar

to only carry your own battles
only your own worries

the day someone walks in your life
and you fall in love
NOTHING will ever be the same

nothing

it is both good and bad

I think I lost my innocence when I fell in love
and I'll spend my whole life looking for love that can replace in my heart what I feel has been

lost

but will I too resort to thorns guarding a shivering heart?

I don't know if I'm meant to be in love, but I think, deep deep in my heart... that when I'm laying there dying, you will be there holding my hand. you're going to be the last face I see either with my eyes or my heart in my last moments.

the sadness never goes away
it just peeks around the corner every so slightly
so most days you just shoo it away

but then some days
it blind sides you
and it is screaming in your face
and you have to pretend it isn't there
but it's breathing your air
in your comfort zone
cracking your ribs from the inside

it is choking you
and your heart is being held in its hands
and it won't stop squeezing

it's like a mother screaming at her child in the supermarket
you can intervene
but you know that when they get home
it is just going to continue
but it will be much worse

so most times you turn your head
and ignore it
but your heart is still so heavy
and you will never forget seeing the mother
scream at her child

this sadness is hanging with me
and as much as I can turn my head
I will still feel it screaming in my face
but no one can save me

I feel I'm getting sad again
I don't know how to scare it away
and I'm sick of it coming back

it's like a monster that hides it's way inside
and comes out when life becomes lonely and difficult
I had come so close to making it all the way back
and then I was hurt again by friends

so the sadness is returning
and my chest feels small and cold

but he makes me laugh
makes me giggle like a child
I just want to open up
but I am ugly and twisty on the inside
my ribs are made of barbed wire
and my heart has grown callouses

I look at my own body in the mirror
and what once was voluptuous again
has slowly become the skeleton I knew a year ago

I don't know what to do
I don't want to try to be happy
it's not so easy
I just want it to happen for me
please!!
just this once!
please!!

They say that heartbreak stays with you
and love hurts when you are young
and that pain stays with you

I am trying so hard to move on
it gets easier every day
I don't even think of it most of the time anymore

But today while doing laundry
I found one of your curly black hairs again
why? HOW?! I literally yelled out

QUIT HAUNTING ME
You're like a zombie of my loved one still walking around
the old you is long dead
and whoever you are now stumbles in and out of my view

I am afraid
but if I show no emotion
maybe you won't try to eat my heart

It didn't hurt as bad
finding pieces of you here and there
but ******* it
it is still as exhausting

happy birthday to the first love I ever had
although it ended uglier than I had ever wanted
this person helped me to find who I am and sparked the path of acceptance of everyone
I am now on my own way to trying to accept myself as well

This individual
thinking back
will always be what I want to find in other people
not in an obsessive way
but in a "you give me hope for the humans" kind of way
as much as this person was not perfect
or perfect for me even

this individual showed me that love is possible
that there is such a thing as that feeling of completeness
the feeling of rejoice after finding someone who accepts one's flaws

it showed me that it is possible to think someone is beautiful in their worst state
I know this
because although the love we shared fleeted from beneath us
and our sad hearts broke even more
I am still able to sense this feeling
and what it had been
and that it is alright to cry for what was
and that it is natural for such a feeling to drive you mad
turn you into a ghost of your past self

So Happy Birthday to the first person to make me truly feel for the first time
and despite all of the pain and what ifs
I wish nothing but for this person to find a sense of worth
in themselves and in this world
Like I found in him

yes I am filled with doubt

I have two people in my head constantly arguing
about my worth

but one is stronger than the other

one is my demon
this demon whispers in my ear and reminds me of how everyone has hurt me
this demon tells me I deserve it
this demon reminds me bad things happen to bad people

this demon has won battles
scars here and there
physical and mental
but battles do not win wars

everything I have been through in my life
I have won
I prevail
I pick myself up
and I start over
again
and
again

i remember when I was 13
and tripped during a race
only to get back up like a spring
and finish it with blood running down my knees

so I will finish this life
no matter what my demon throws at me
no matter how many days I spend in bed
because the sadness put a hole through me
i will finish this race
even if I have to do it with ****** knees
the demon will never convince me
to end my life
I will win

you see a photo
of someone you loved
and they look so beautiful
you fall again
sigh

why did I have to fall in love
for it just to end
love it is so fragile
and I couldn't take care of myself
let alone take care of us

I don't even miss us anymore
I just miss you
I just wish your face didn't bring so much pain
but I guess
it wouldn't be so painful if I didn't still love you

so I'll continue to wait
until it fades

(please God if you are truly there let it fade I don't think I can live through another 9 months)
(NINE MONTHS?!!??
I CANT GET OVER IT AND ITS BEEN NINE MONTHS)

no one will be prettier than you and I together
no one will be compatible like you and I together
no one will be in love like you and I were
no one can love like we did
not even us

not right now
not for a long long time

stop looking at me across the way
either I'm no one or I'm the only one

smoking cigarettes because of you
I was so nervous I could hardly move
I can't help when you're in a room I have to look at you
not know how to do this thing that you do usually do
how my supposed to do
you act like I'm nonexistent I
can't believe you're like you're like I'm gone like
I'm not even there it's really gifted

usually I don't think of you when I'm off and lifted
***** we have the same friends and you know it's hidden

guess you walked off and pretend like we didnt

I just didn't want to be alone
I sent you message after message
called

please I just do not want to be alone
the demons are strong now
I won't hurt myself

but they are yelling
my body hurts from the inside out

and my chest feels it is caving
I am having a panic attack again
please I just told you I didn't want to be alone

answer your phone

you are literally haunting me tonight
this is a strange dream
and I don't know if it is the alcohol

you are also there
why are you in my dreams?
I have not felt you in a long time

there are these others that give me butterflies

i go to high school
the love of my life and I are together
he is here too

flashback
we are crying
flashback
I am on his lap and he is singing in my ear
flashback
he grabs my wrist too hard this time
flash back
I wake up with a smile hearing him in the shower
flashback
my mouth is awoken with kissing and tickles
flashback
he is crying and I don't know why
GOD PLEASE I'LL BELIVE FOR HIM
he cannot stop
sit down babe sit down
his eyes are so red
like blood

I don't want to cry
I need to be strong like always
I am a Stamm
I am STRONG

he is falling around
God help me please
what is happening to his brain

flash forward
the next morning

you didn't talk about it
you didn't want to
just Xanax

I have this dream
where you won't stop crying
and you won't tell me why
I am just trying to be ******* strong ******* it!! I LOVE YOU!! LOOK AT ME!! SHOULD I CALL AN AMBULANCE?! PLEASE BABE I AM SO SCAred.
Please
babe. Look at me why are you crying.
'whispers'
       please babe just tell me why are you crying
please it's ok it's ok please it's ok it's ok


my tears fall down the dark nape of your neck and your large head is cradled in my arms
I sat on his lap
but I cradled his 200lb body with the 150lbs I had
he shook and it used to wake me up at night
he would get the shivers
and I was so afraid he would "be like a cup, spilling over with just a touch"
I found out that day that love can really hurt
I found out that day I was in love...


flash forward
I've been taking benzos the past week
it amazes me how I feel so much relief
when even a piece of anxiety
flutters
like a moth off my neck

then they wear off
and I hate my true feeling

who knows how many I've taken
blacking out is my trend again

i am going to go to sleep now
please stay away

I only cry about you once a week now!!!
Once a week Justice!!
If you could read this I think you would be proud of me.
I hope one day when we are older we can talk like we weren't lovers.

I am sorry I touched your face Justice.
That was very immature.
I guess the best thing to say, is when someone is passionate.... When someone truly would put their life on the line for a person, in this case two people... And they do something that would normally hurt her....

I wanted to **** myself.... ok?
I thought I mattered to only two people
and it turned out I didn't.
I have never been so broken in my entire life.

Not as broken all of the neglect and mental abuse from an alcoholic father,
from being kicked out of my own house at 18,
having a mother who called me fat since I was 11,
not from having a boyfriend who hit me when I was 15,
worse than hiding my cut marks with silly bands in middle school ,
no you know I was broken by something else.

The love of my life and the best friend of my life going behind my back and being together.

My "future husband" hah
and my maid of "honor".      ****

But I fought through everything
through the cutting
the binge drinking
******* to feel something ANYTHING
requesting rough ***
starving myself
going through a car accident
I made it back.


Without the help of you two.

Now I work with kids 4 days a week, I am Ms.Shauna Mon - Wednesday for 2,3,4, and 5th graders, and on Thursday's I am Coach Stamm. I empower young girls to love who they are and to be healthy and to stomp any bad feeling about themselves with every stride in every cross country run.

So


Please leave me alone.
Figure all of your ****** **** up now
I'll do the same to you.
please please for my mental state

what hurts more?
knowing that you lost two best friends

or that the war between you all is never ending...

what hurts more?
the feeling of being alone

or the fact that you have been alone for so long you have become used to it...

I used to have suidical thoughts
DAILY

Can you imagine?
Waking up,
and wishing you hadn't.

Does no one feel like I do?
Am I a person filled with more emotions than others,
is this some disease?

Is this why I suffer from heart palpatations when I get anxiety?

will my anxiety **** me one day?

I am not sure.

I have felt great pain in my chest before,
and I have been to the emergency room,
because I was too afraid of my own hands,
and my wrists felt weak.

They used to yell at me to slice them..
I thought I deserved to die.
I wished I had died when I was hit by a drunk driver for a long time.

She took my car, I lost my job,
when I just wished it could have taken my life.

It isn't so dark now,
I wake up in the morning smiling.

If it wasn't for my friends I know I wouldn't be alive today.

They may never know how much they mean to me,
but they are my heart,
and the only reason I still try to love every day.

I can't live for me,
I couldn't live for him,
so I live for them.

Every day I get a step closer to who I want to be,
and it's all thanks to my friends.

I love you all so so much,
thank you.

you made a mockery of the only thing I had

you took the essence of me and laughed at it

I didn't want to be this way
I try very hard to be strong

I think to myself how I am crazy
I didn't ask to be born with a messed up mind

I live on a roller coaster in my head
and sometimes it breaks and can't go back up

I am sorry I am this way

I don't know how to be okay again and I hurt so much my brain flirts with the concept of suicide

I could never hurt my family and friends in such a way
but my heart is terrified of my chemically imbalanced brain

I am trying my best

you are my suicide note
my last dying wish
and my last will
of hope

Dreamt ******* about you last night
Doesn't it hurt being with someone when you're missing me?
Or maybe you only miss me when Jack Daniels reminds you
Of what we were
Of what I am to you
Whenever I hold another man I close my eyes as tight as I can and try to imagine your scent, to get as close to you as possible

It's sick isn't it?
How pain will lead me into the arms of someone else
But at the end of it all
Although I care about this man

I wish it was you every time I wake up in the morning

I remember on Halloween
I was covered in fake blood
And red hair dye
And I was crying

And you got in the shower with me
And washed my hair

I watched the red cover the bathtub
I had wished it was my blood
But hugged your warm thick body instead
The feel of it is something I think about a lot
I know you think about it too
I know you at least think of me

Ps. I told you so

All I needed
To hold on another hundred years
It was all I needed


All I needed
All I need

There was a time in my life
That I had you
You weren't with me
And I lay in bed
My hair wet from tears on both sides

Depression plagued me
And held a weight on my chest
That cemented me to my mattress

I didn't know I was sick
I thought you were to blame
And that wasn't fair

But despite that
Despite the fact I thought you were the reason for my sadness
I still told myself that I would never leave you
I told myself that I loved you too much to ever hurt you or make you sad
I promised myself that I was going to stay with you until you died
And it was worth me having a miserable life
So you could be happy
I was going so crazy I thought about killing myself
But I knew that it would **** you


I WAS GOING SO BAT **** CRAZY
I MOMENTARILY CONTEMPLATED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF I KILLED YOU
AND KILLED MYSELF
SO WE COULD BE RID OF THIS PAIN
AND IF THERE WAS A GOD
YOU WOULD STILL GO TO HEAVEN

So don't EVEN
FOR A ******* SECOND
TELL ME
THAT I DIDNT REALLY LOVE YOU
BECAUSE I WAS WILLING TO GIVE UP
EVERYTHING
GIVE IT ALL UP
GIVE UP MY HAPPINESS
MY SANITY
MY LIFE AND ITS WORTH
FOR YOU AND YOUR HAPPINESS
THATS WHY I KNOW IT WAS LOVE
IT IS LOVE
Because all the other boys I "had"
All the other boys I "loved"
I let go
For me
And I still haven't let you go
For me
But I try to leave you alone
For you


I've been seeing you in my dreams lately
Last night I was covered in burns and you still brought me home
And we made love

I knew it was a dream
But at a very strange point
I said **** it
And gave you the most loving hug
Like I used to
With my arms cradling your head
And my legs wrapped around your ribs

It felt real
I could feel the warmth of your skin
I could SMELL you for christ's sake
Does that mean you were there??
Is love actually this spiritual??
Do you dream of me too??
Or do I remember your scent and feel so well, that I tap into the deep deep parts of my subconscious and I can relive
Such vivid memories
That its like you're actually there

I love you
I love you every day
I will love you tomorrow
And I will love you until my last breath

I will be who I want to be one day
And that day I will come for you
And tell you I'm ready
**** dude I really hope you'll take me then
I wish even more I was ready now..

he calls me poetic

he talks to me on the phone like I am not Shauna

But then

he breaks from something
a cage a shell a barrier

calls me
poetic
says I am
good with my words

man oh man i am going insane
Lord help us all

it really hurts to know you are happy
without me
and you are moving on
without me

but I only want happiness for you
even if it's
without me

but I still feel you babe
when I think about you
I can still feel you
so that proves that love is real
Or I am way more ****** than I had originally thought..

sometimes when my mind goes to the darkest place
I wish we had drown
the night we fell asleep
together in the bath tub

so in love
we had no idea what pain was
we had no idea
of the storm that was coming

they don't come as often,
but there are days,
when I feel so much pain inside,
that I just want pain on the outside.

I was always too chicken to be a cutter,
but my lit cigarette has met my wrist.

I see it every day.

I think the reason I did it,
was because you didn't check for scars anymore,
you passed by and you didn't bat an eyelash at me.

So I put the ember where it hurt the most.

I have a large pink dot below my left breast,
because that's where I feel the most pain.
Inside.

I wanted to burn it away,
I wanted the cigarette to desintigrate any traces of you.

I still push on my sternum when I lay here crying,
and pound on my chest.
The pain never seems to go away.

But I won't give myself another pink scar.

because one day if I am blessed once again with our two naked bodies together,
I don't want you to be ashamed in me.

I fell in love with a man,
and that man taught me to love myself.

This beautiful man with beautiful skin,
I lost him.

I fell in love with a man,
I fell in love with his skin,
I fell in love with his family,
with his people,
with his country,
his beautiful culture.

As much as I try to fight for what I believe in,
all I believe in his him.

I really didn't mean to hurt the person I loved the most in an act so selfish that it would have me hurting for another 100 days

I have to realize
that we can't be in love right now
it's too late
much too late

it might be because of me
I know it's because of me

but I can't say I'm sorry
I broke your heart
and your moms heart
I broke the heart of your whole family

so I need to go away for a while
and find myself again
so I can try to be ok again
so I can make it everything ok again

I'm gonna fix it
I promise

I didn't wear makeup hoping I would see you today
we end up in the same spot and I feel a rush go through
my spine
and in
my stomach

I drove today
after all
that happened
after the accident

I moved forward today
and I will take another
step
tomorrow
towards
being
ok
again

I looked for your car today
typically peeking
out

they're still afraid to say
your name
around
me
always
with
a stutter
or
hesitation

they called you zombie today
I'm afraid
of the Xanax
because I'm not around
anymore
to
yell
at
you
because
I
loved
wait
love
love love love love
you

I don't want a zombie
I don't want to hear you're a zombie
I want what's mine back
and that's you
please
let that be
you

it's funny
I say
"we have to be ok apart
before we can be ok together."
but
it seems
that
we
were both
better off
when we were



together.

my name is shauna
i say im hot as a sauna
because that's the first
bar that i ever rap
no this is a poem
it's not a trap
to get you to listen
to what i could be spittin

or could i?
try?
to be
fly
like the
guys

but i'm a female in this world
filled with darkness, i hurled
threw up inside
when i found out my little cousin
was touched by some big scary man
i wasn't there to protect her
and society will neglect her
probably shame her
maybe even blame her
because of what she was wearing
how could you possibly be caring
about
or even
doubt
that a little
girl
with a small small
world
would fill it
with this scary
hairy
demon that i would ****** if i got my hands around his throat...

i don't mean to go
too far
it's just
when trust
is taken
forsaken
from a 3 year old girl
who will now question her world
and why it is so scary
and will be afraid of all the
hairy
men
because of that scary
demon
who took her spirit
ripped it right out of her pig tails
my grandmother wails
sick of all the ******* man
sick of all the bull
****
man

you think this is funny?
you cheer with your boys?
making nonsense and noise
go find all your toys

i could take photos of you
and they always show me the truth
of how beautiful
you
are

you're not one for dates
but i could take you
some
where

if you would maybe care
i would try
and we could be ly
ing
under the stars

but instead i'm in here
crying
wishing i was
dying
wish you were
beside
me

so why is it
surprising
that no matter what the
night
brings

i'm always
fanta
size
ing

about you
taking photos
without your
consent
i'm sorry i didn't tell you
yet
but you're my best
asset

funny i fell in love with a dark skinned boy named Justice during all this racism *******

....right?

I FIND IT KIND OF FUNNY
HOW I USED TO SIGH OF PHOTOGRAPHY
AND YOU GAVE AWAY A CAMERA
BEFORE MY VERY EYES

ALL THE PHOTOS I HANG
ABOUT MY ROOM
TO REMINISCE ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT MADE ME FEEL SOMETHING
PERHAPS PURPOSE

I TOOK PHOTOGRAPHY FOR TWO
YEARS
AND I TOLD YOU OF MY DREAMS
OF MY VERY OWN DARK ROOM
TO DEVELOP MY PHOTOS
AND DEVELOP MY OWN FILM
BY HAND

NOW YOU ARE LIVING MY DREAM
AND I SAW YOU GIVE AWAY THE CAMERA BEFORE MY VERY EYES
WHEN I ALWAYS WANTED TO BORROW IT
DID YOU LISTEN
DO YOU NOT FEEL MY PAIN IN THE AIR
HAVE YOU DISCONNECTED YOURSELF

I think the reason I hate myself so much
is because I have this impeccable memory
of every inch of you
every loving thing you did for me
every kisss
every touch

and for some reason
when you left
and I told you I didn't love you anymore
I somehow blocked them all away

Why can't I do that now?
When it could actually come to use

forgetting

but I can't forget anything
I remember everything