I will wait for you.
As long as it takes.
No matter how many days,
or how many girls you will have to experience prior.
That is all okay with me.
As long as at the end of it all, you're with me.

you stood at the door
   1       2     3    4      5
but you had al-rea-dy
   6     7     8    9   10  11
left me and you al-one
12  13   14    15   16 17

how can hands cra-dle my
  1       2      3        4     5    6
life-less corpse that died long
7      8       9        10     11    12
be-fore I rem-em-ber
13   14 15 16   17   18

if everything you did affected me
why should it stop now

when i wake up with you one second in my arms
wondering if it really isn't a dream

only to see more recognition
for those you talk **** about
who don't "know" you

but "i do"
i'm the "only one who really knows" [you]

i don't know what i was thinking
falling for a kid with a broken heart
and broken mind
thinking we could fix it together

when every time i think of his dark chocolate skin
and illuminating smile
i just see his demeaning comments towards women

i probably should have questioned
when you walked in on that girl ******* him
why you didn't wanna **** me instead

you don't know how to make love do you?
ah what a shame

such a waste

of 351 days

351 days
of wishing
for you
to open up to me

351 days
it took
for me to lose myself
and lose you
too

ha
but did i ever really have you?

I still have the Skype app on my phone
I hadn't used it since the 11th grade
But now it takes up my phone's memory
Just in case you might call

You know it's been what?
5 days? A week?
**** still *****

We hadn't even started
and here I am in this anguish

Maybe that's why it hurts

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream

Wow that really sinks it's teeth into my charred heart now doesn't it

I can smell you in my brain still
Feel my hand in your hair
your wide chest made my broad shoulders feel like elegant vines

you made me feel beautiful
makeup barely touches my face these days
every time i take the black stick and brush my eyelashes
i hear your voice
"Don't do it! You don't need it."

...

I just want to laugh with you again.
Funny - what I would give
to be in a hotel room
worried about my period
drinking Jack with a boy
that I've had a crush on since the 11th grade...

...

Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out

of my life?

This is why my heart feels like it is pumping tar
instead of blood.

I don't understand why this happened to me
why did "God" bless me with such a memorable month
only to pull it from underneath me?

I am like a toddler that gains the momentum to walk
only to trip on my own feet
and barrel head first into a coffee table.

But worse-off
I didn't end up with a harry potter scar
but a physical pain in my chest
made up by a feeling... in my head?

THIS is why I think I'm crazy-
Because how could any sane person
fall in love
with someone
she saw for a month
mostly through a computer screen?

Is it?

Is it possible

To fall in love

In one night

In La Crosse, WI

in a hotel room

a walk down a torn up road

a makeout at a random bar

catching a cab

falling asleep

and waking up

in the same position

because

it

felt

like

home.



is it? is it possible?

late night poetry is never something good
it is either about a boy
something you never got over

being in love hurts yes

but hurt late at night shouldn't be so misunderstood

Hurt shouldn't be the constant nagging question why I care so much for people who destroy me

including my father's alcohol problem
and the constant nag to meet up to my mothers expectations

I shouldn't have to question myself as to why i feel so much
and try so hard
to make sure everyone is happy around me

Even if in the end they're the reason tears won't stop rushing down my dry winter cheeks
and why by body shakes in tremors from the emotions i keep pent within me

I wish I could shut them all off for good
not just for my friends, family, lovers, etc.

Being alone is the worst
at that time I would rather have no emotions at all

it's bothersome,
how I let this thing well up in my throat,
time and time again.
   and pretend that it's okay,
   that you hurt me as much as you do,
   when in reality it is really not.
you are so beautiful,
everything you do,
and you will never believe it.
   so in return I get pushed away,
   and you see how far you can push me,
   until I stop coming back.
but we both know that will never happen,
you will never be "ready,"
and I will never stop trying.
   one of us will have to give in eventually,
   whether it is love,
   or if it is defeat.
and I reallly don't want to lose.

for the first time
since i was 11
i look in the mirror
and i actually like whats staring back at me

i don't know why it took so long to regain
the feeling of self love
and being content with less makeup
or none
in the mirror

i wish i know what could have happened
when i started looking at my little 11 year old body
and thought i was overweight

Oh my god i'm 75 pounds?! i remember thinking

I could blame my mom
or the boys who paraded naked pictures of me
criticizing my changing body in its early stages

i was made fun of for having supple *******
the first girl in my 4th grade class to wear a padded bra

i hated it
every second of my changing body

i started to get curves
and was known for having a "big ****"

and this "best friend" of mine told me she was glad she didn't have one

a boyfriend shot me down
"you can't leave me because no one will want you"

mother and step dad made fat jokes when i was 14
because i'm not obsessive compulsive with my diet

now i look in the mirror and i'm so happy
i love every curve from my arms to my ankles

and my dark brown eyes stare deep into you don't they?
grandma wasn't kidding when she said people would pay
THOUSANDS!! for these lips
and this square jawline has it's perks

i used to get paranoid when people stared at me
until i caught someone
and they told me i was beautiful

i don't know if my mom doesn't know how to be a mother
or maybe doesn't know how to mother me

because she was the first
to tell me i needed to change
instead of telling me to be who i am

i wish she looked at my poetry
and saw how much people enjoyed it
what it brought out in others
whether it be pain
or a laugh

the fact that i can make people feel
with words

but instead it's a sad call for help
a mentally unstable act

i've had countless tell me they were beautiful
that I
was beautiful

and to this day
my mother only says it
when she's drunk or crying

and i still don't believe it

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I care about you so much and I want you to be happy. I'm sorry that every day I think about you and hope that you're having a good day even if I'm not. Even if its the worst day of my life I'm sorry I still hope your day is perfect. I'm sorry that I never want one tear to drop and I never want to see one frown. I'm sorry that I want your life to be perfect beyond measure. But I'm mostly sorry that you do not want me. I'm sorry that I'm not as artistic and I say stupid things and I'm not as pretty because I don't like to wear a lot of makeup. I'm sorry that I think of things that you would like to see me in and clothes that you would like to see me wear. I'm sorry that I want to lose weight so you may think that I have an attractive and fit body. I'm sorry that I imagine everything over and over again in my head. I'm sorry I'm crying while typing this. Most of all things over everything, I'm sorry that I complimented your eyes without your glasses. I'm sorry that when I had you I left you and broke you more than I ever can realize. I'm sorry you don't feel anything anymore, and I'm sorry that you're the only thing that is keeping me alive. I'm sorry I met you. You'll never see me again. I love you. I'm not sorry for that.

don't you ******* get it?!
we could have done it
we were so close

so in love

you ******* left me
YOU ******* LEFT

yet you were there all along

we could try it all again
but there is no ******* way

because the thought of touching you
reminds me of so much saddness

that i would ******* **** myself
if i ever felt that way again

we almost ******* made it
almost ******* made it

I remember on Halloween
I was covered in fake blood
And red hair dye
And I was crying

And you got in the shower with me
And washed my hair

I watched the red cover the bathtub
I had wished it was my blood
But hugged your warm thick body instead
The feel of it is something I think about a lot
I know you think about it too
I know you at least think of me

Ps. I told you so

i've been wanting to write a poem for some time
but i've been stopping myself

i don't know if i'm afraid of the rejection
or that my poem will actually be good
and someone i care about might see it

or you might see it

either way the idea of someone seeing another vulnerability terrifies me
but at the same time its exciting

i'm not sure
i don't really get myself either

I just didn't want to be alone
I sent you message after message
called

please I just do not want to be alone
the demons are strong now
I won't hurt myself

but they are yelling
my body hurts from the inside out

and my chest feels it is caving
I am having a panic attack again
please I just told you I didn't want to be alone

answer your phone

Anxiety is like the movie "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids",
except it's the sequel "Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves",
because you have no one else to blame for how big and scary the world seems around you.
To anyone else, a stair is just a stair,
but this stair in life is towering over me and I have no clue how to overcome.
This stair might be getting out of bed,
being around other people,
or shopping at a store alone.

Fairly easy tasks,
but I feel I have to ******* my oxygen tank and climb Mt. Everest.

Anxiety is like when you are sick,
and the bathroom is a mere 10 steps away,
but like in the cartoons,
the bathroom stretches to miles away before my eyes.
10 steps is now 10,000,
in those 10,000 steps to school, or work, so many things could go wrong.

Anxiety is knowing you're thinking irrationally.
Thinking against yourself in your head,
wanting to strangle whatever force is driving you mad.
Like finding an on-off switch,
but no matter how many times you flip it, nothing happens.

Anxiety is laying in bed,
plauged with possibilities of problems,
not moving a muscle,
paralyzed by the endless possible outcomes of failure.
I feel as if I'm in a big gray cloud.
I can see through it, but yet it is so dense I am captive by my own paranoia.

Anxiety is being a walking imperfection.
Where one zit on your forehead acts as a big red, flashing, arrow floating above your head saying IMPERFECT
DISGUSTING
UNLOVEABLE

Anxiety is wanting to love yourself
so so very bad
and fighting every day against a bug infesting your beautiful brain
with negative self talk.

Anxiety is trying to fall asleep at night,
and with every breath,
my body gets smaller and smaller,
my thoughts have weight like a lead balloon,
filling with every breath,
my head is heavy and I feel my chest caving in.

Anxiety is the anti-Cupid who stabs an arrow between anyone I've ever loved.
She is the imaginary mistress I can't help but suspect,
no matter how many times he says he loves me.
What if one day he doesn't?
What if one day everything I hate about myself he hates too?
Anxiety is the mistress he never knows is there,
and yet I push her towards him.

With Anxiety there are options.
There is one switch that does work.
It is a big red button labeled MEDICATION
this button will destroy every anxious though I may have
but often in wars the innocent suffer.

If this button is pressed, I lose everything.
Anger, sadness, paranoia,

I lose happiness.
I lose the feeling of love,
excitement,
hopefulness.

My heart and brain become an empty forgotten shoe box that I don't need anymore.

My body smiles when my brain believes it should,
and fills the air with laughter that isn't mine.

Someone tells a joke and my stomach never hurts from laughing.

I don't have crushes on cute boys.

My deep brown eyes look as if they are made of glass... Emotionless.

Kisses feel like flicks.
Hugs feel like uncomfortable, uncessary squeezes.

I find myself going through the motions, like an extra on a TV set.
Saying words that have no meaning.
Moving my mouth but nothing is truly coming out.

I stop petting my cat.

It is inconvenient when my dog greets me at the door and licks me.

My mother tells me she loves me and I despise it.. I don't know why.

I forget what it is like to feel.

I am a robot in a human's body.

If you tell me to take medication,
I am letting my illness win,
with a white flag in hand.

I refuse to throw away every piece of me for "peace."

he calls me poetic

he talks to me on the phone like I am not Shauna

But then

he breaks from something
a cage a shell a barrier

calls me
poetic
says I am
good with my words

man oh man i am going insane
Lord help us all

i lay down and the smell is in the air
i search for it
your scent

possibly amongst the pillows

but i can't pinpoint it

it fills me
maybe like a heroine addicts drug
on the contrary feels like the breaking seal of a water vein

everything explodes within me

all of my thoughts of you
my moans of your name
hand caressing my body

walking downtown
and your hardships

i can't believe
the simple scent
of the man i love
can bring so much out of me
that i can't fall asleep

I'm not quite sure
As a matter of fact I'm not sure at all
Is this a test?
Am I passing?

Your attention span increased
Or maybe this is just that thing
What do they call it?
Friends?

Can't be.
Friends can't be in love with friends.

you were a blip of light in the dark
a firefly floating close to your face
you catch a glimpse in time to see the magic
and then it is gone

like the first sip of a fresh bottle of coke
that doesn't quite taste the same later

although it was a small moment
the smiles and laughs
are ingrained in me like a S + Z in an old oak tree

but now the oak tree has been torn down and forgotten
so now only the memory lives on

i think what hurts the most is your beauty
and how you failed to see it

how every curvature of your being was exactly
what i pictured
perfect would be like

how i felt like i was 16 again swooning over you from the shadows

how every moment i had the opportunity to speak with you
was like a dream come true
but i guess that is exactly it

a dream

something you wake up from and have trouble remembering
you pick for the pieces of shattered glass but they disintegrate with every touch
until the dream in merely a spirit floating in your head
whispering hints of your touch
and how your arms felt around me

IM SO ANGRY
that i only had one moment with you

that I AM SO ******* FAR AWAY
from all the love I want

it could be so different
i'm crying now

i had less than 72 hours with you
and if i could i would replay the night over and over
memorize the details

your kiss

BECAUSE I AM SO ANGRY!!!

this place has robbed me of all of my happiness and i don't know how i'm going to make it out alive....

I'M SO SCARED YOU ******* SCRUB IM SO ******* SCARED

AND YOU AREN'T EVEN HERE ANYMORE TO HELP ME

IM SO ******* SCARED I JUST WANT TO ******* DIE

IM SOBBING

IM SOBBING

IM SOBBING


and then i shut it off

and i am numb






all


over



again

You made it official.

Gave up.

I guess I don't blame you.

Because i know.
I'm right there with you.
Through the pain,
Agony,
Desire,
Hurt.

But I'm in Wisconsin.

Where we belong.

If men were toys that you could buy at a store
And create like Legos or Bionicles or Lincoln Logs
Each time I would try to put together my perfect man

And each time I would build a less perfect you

when we're younger we feen for love
we crave something we've never felt before
hence why I was obsessed with Twilight novels
and cried during every Nicholas Sparks film

this is when we're barely growing *******
and boys are fascinated by bras and thongs
only later to love what is underneath them

we get older and experience grows
we eventually fall in love
maybe once
or maybe a hundred times

and every time it happens
it just gets harder and harder

we all let that one person in
they see all of our dark crevices
you parade the skeletons in your closet

and for a moment
sometimes longer
we think that this might be that person

but things get shaky
and we say things we don't mean

some of them move across the country
and others escape inside themselves

the ones we love are not always lovable
or they don't love us back

we build this thick skin
we hide behind drugs and alcohol
and we get too ****** up to remember when he held you in the middle of that field

we build up these hard walls on the outside
only because we are afraid to admit our innards are mush
and we can't take anymore heartbreak

because we gave ourselves to them
every achy memory
and they held us there
as we sobbed
and screamed
and punched away our demons

so now we are all afraid to love
because the purest thing we ever did feel
turned its back on us

love morphed into a demon within us
revealing its ****** teeth that were plunged into our hearts

we tell ourselves that we will never love again
for it hurts too much
and we are all too broken for anyone to love us again

that reassurance he gave you
disappears
it does not matter what he told you in that early morning shower
or how the warmth of your bodies came together in a foggy car

that is all the past
no matter how we reminisce we cannot get the love back
the purest of it has left us

so why is it when playing the field, we become so scared and insecure?
putting up this confident, independent front
where in reality we're praying for your acceptance?

women read loud magazines with advice columns
because we can't get the one on ourselves anymore
we're too insecure
and advice columns from a loud magazine somehow fit all of our situations

those bright words in that loud magazine can't fix the emptiness he left you with
when all you wanted was to be loved
and he couldn't give you enough of him

because he was broken too.

Sometimes those loud magazines are right
only the instance when they tell you to "be yourself"

it worked the first time didn't it?
a questionnaire in Cosmopolitan didn't tell you how to act that summer
your tactics from Manthropology 101 didn't get him to sit by you

it was your smile and the up turn of your eyes that made him fall in love with you
the sunshine in your hair and the freckles on your shoulders

he might have went away, but only for the fear of getting hurt like we all have
it wasn't you the second time around
one day you will need to accept that

So just be yourself
because that boy staring across the way at you
he isn't interested in your flirty planned out text messages
or the new lip stain that Glamour's guy panel has raved about

it's the blushing in your cheeks,
and that contagious smile
that got them all before.

So why stop that feeling again,
although you're scared to love,
why stop something that made you feel so complete before?

If he can give you butterflies again, an old self would call you foolish,
foolish for not taking your chance on the nice guy at the center.

*"It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does."
- Peter McWilliams

i never understood smoking
held my breath around the aroma
said "Smoking *****" to an electronic pack of cigs

I saw the chemicals in the black light
I went to the funeral of my grandfather
death by lung cancer

But you see I think smokers don't care
they're aware of the 10 minutes off of their life
the poison
the WARNING packaging

but 10 minutes off of my life
i don't care

I'm too afraid to cut myself
but a burning cig in my lungs is good enough for now

I need not a soul but my own
trouble finding it
lost like keys
hidden under clothes

when I picture your face
it is soft
skin like sand
sink your body into it
warm yourself

unorthodox appearance
rhyme or reason
idiosyncratic
but pleasing

my mouth is watering
control is merely an idea
hard to compute
mathematics to an art major

let me put together
a perfect picture
redwood brown for your eyes
sweet salmon lips

heart flows to stomach
stomach flows to heart
internal lava lamp

tea kettle rising
on the back of my neck
keep it cool
while you’re heating up

coffee shakes
chug a water
to slip
into it

I never thought it would be me again

h    e    a    r     t    b   r    e    a    k    e    r

i've been torn

to pieces
itty
bitty
         p    i    e    c    e    s

I never thought I would be

the evil

I just wanted to be happy!!
is that bad?
don't I deserve that?
why am I guilty?

I didn't do anything wrong
why is it wrong to be happy

I just need to find happy
where is happy

I've lost happy

I've lost happy

How did I lose Happy?

I try so hard to remember
every detail
the squinty eyes
with little eyelashes
but so much wonder.
the thick hair that falls so perfect,
that has the childish blonde peaking through.
a loud laugh that echoes,
but is so rare.
the teeth in a u,
and crooked on the bottom.
occasional glasses,
with a slightly bigger nose.

I try to remember everything about your face,
so one day when you decide to forget about me,
which may be soon,
I can still dream about you like it never happened at all.

there is someone that will always be your "hopeful second chance"
the one that got away
broke your heart
without even lifting a finger

these are the people we need to stay away from
because just because it was love didn't mean it was meant to be

just because he gave you a feeling in your chest that felt like the burring of 1,000 suns doesn't mean the two of you should be together

you need to remember how he wasn't there for you
both emotionally and physically

so please don't let a past love that broke you
break you again

let the love you have now flourish your soul
and turn you into the person you've always wanted to be

hold onto the love that makes you feel like you can change the world
love the man that loves you with the burning of 1,000 suns

smoking cigarettes because of you
I was so nervous I could hardly move
I can't help when you're in a room I have to look at you
not know how to do this thing that you do usually do
how my supposed to do
you act like I'm nonexistent I
can't believe you're like you're like I'm gone like
I'm not even there it's really gifted

usually I don't think of you when I'm off and lifted
***** we have the same friends and you know it's hidden

guess you walked off and pretend like we didnt

Nomatterhowharditryalloftheemotionsifeelforyoucometogetherwiththo­ughtsanddreamscircumstancesthatwonthappenimaginingeverycontourofy­ourbodyreplayinyourlaughinmyhearandthen iseeyouatwork and everything becomes

c l e a r

it's hard finding someone new
because not only do you have to find that feeling again
but someone has to have that feeling back

they need to look at me how you did
their eyes need to smile
and their hands need to be perfect like yours

because you were the one who loved how i looked when i woke up
and before i went to bed
even after the long rough days

you were the one who loved me in baggy t shirts
and kissed me when i took my makeup off in the shower

you were the one who left flowers in my car
and spelt our love on a fence

why find someone new?
because we were so young
and so was our love

and although young love may be the purest
and the strongest

it is the shortest

because we change so fast when we live for the nights
and yearn for our futures

when in reality
the good ole days are now

no one will be prettier than you and I together
no one will be compatible like you and I together
no one will be in love like you and I were
no one can love like we did
not even us

not right now
not for a long long time

stop looking at me across the way
either I'm no one or I'm the only one

happy birthday to the first love I ever had
although it ended uglier than I had ever wanted
this person helped me to find who I am and sparked the path of acceptance of everyone
I am now on my own way to trying to accept myself as well

This individual
thinking back
will always be what I want to find in other people
not in an obsessive way
but in a "you give me hope for the humans" kind of way
as much as this person was not perfect
or perfect for me even

this individual showed me that love is possible
that there is such a thing as that feeling of completeness
the feeling of rejoice after finding someone who accepts one's flaws

it showed me that it is possible to think someone is beautiful in their worst state
I know this
because although the love we shared fleeted from beneath us
and our sad hearts broke even more
I am still able to sense this feeling
and what it had been
and that it is alright to cry for what was
and that it is natural for such a feeling to drive you mad
turn you into a ghost of your past self

So Happy Birthday to the first person to make me truly feel for the first time
and despite all of the pain and what ifs
I wish nothing but for this person to find a sense of worth
in themselves and in this world
Like I found in him

Last night I just sat there
For hours
Doing nothing

I didn't want food
Drugs
Sleep

I just lay there
Thinking about how sad I am

Then I thought of you

Your beauty
Everything I love about you

And my heart imploded
My eyes bled
My brain to mush

I hate that I'm so in love with you

the sadness never goes away
it just peeks around the corner every so slightly
so most days you just shoo it away

but then some days
it blind sides you
and it is screaming in your face
and you have to pretend it isn't there
but it's breathing your air
in your comfort zone
cracking your ribs from the inside

it is choking you
and your heart is being held in its hands
and it won't stop squeezing

it's like a mother screaming at her child in the supermarket
you can intervene
but you know that when they get home
it is just going to continue
but it will be much worse

so most times you turn your head
and ignore it
but your heart is still so heavy
and you will never forget seeing the mother
scream at her child

this sadness is hanging with me
and as much as I can turn my head
I will still feel it screaming in my face
but no one can save me

hello
i love you
your middle name?
i don't know

but i said that i love you
enjoy your ****** fantasies
pour concrete into art
pour me into your plants
pour you into me

do whatever you will
wherever you may
with whomever you please

just try and think of me

just know that i love you

i used to be afraid of drugs
health class would tell me it would put holes in my brain

i do drugs anyway
because maybe it wouldn't be so bad
i could be lucky enough
and maybe there's a chance

maybe the holes would go in places where it hurt
where memories torment me
and the holes would gouge them out forever

so i never have to see your face again

not even in my dreams

it just gets really hard
you know?

i'm a ***** college student
and a hopeless romantic

they tend to bob and weave too much

i want you to pull my hair
BUT i want you to kiss me softly
i want to drunkenly make out with you
text me back first though i'm too scared

it all doesn't help
when my intoxicated alter ego is a temptress
and i turn into bashful the dwarf in real life

it makes things really quite hard

you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave

its a very slow build up
almost unnoticeable

throughout the day you feel off
it seems like you're putting more effort into everything
mentally that is

everything just seems harder
it not difficult
but there isn't any will

you notice you're faking a laugh
and staring off into space

and then it'll hit you

the smallest thing triggers it

maybe breaking a plate
cancelled plans
burning your finger

but sometimes there isn't a trigger at all
it's a tsunami tide that fills your whole body
and you wish you could push the sad away

but it claws its way into your heart
and muffles your brain

nothing is connecting
and all you can focus on
is the sadness
that is overwhelming you

crippling you into a ball on your bedroom floor

shaking your body in the shower

a sadness that you didn't see coming

because
you
don't
know
why

why you can't stop crying
why you're so sad
why your brain won't just work right!!

WHY can't I be happy?
why do I have to put an effort into being happy?

and for a second you understand suicide
because you could stop all of it

for good

I think the reason I hate myself so much
is because I have this impeccable memory
of every inch of you
every loving thing you did for me
every kisss
every touch

and for some reason
when you left
and I told you I didn't love you anymore
I somehow blocked them all away

Why can't I do that now?
When it could actually come to use

forgetting

but I can't forget anything
I remember everything

falling has never been a graceful act
it has always been a bit messy

over time we learn who to fall for
and we try not to get hurt

but over time I have not stopped
I still fall in love with the same men:

hey you look kind of broken
  well I'm broken too
we can work perfect together
learning about our scars
   and soft spots

but later:

actually don't worry about me
I love you too much
be as happy as possible
I will try to fix your broken parts
and try to fill your broken heart

just please never be sad again
I can't take it when such a soul
is poisoned
with the sadness we both have

I'll be okay
Don't worry about me
I can handle it
I've always handled it
I have to handle it
for you

you see a photo
of someone you loved
and they look so beautiful
you fall again
sigh

why did I have to fall in love
for it just to end
love it is so fragile
and I couldn't take care of myself
let alone take care of us

I don't even miss us anymore
I just miss you
I just wish your face didn't bring so much pain
but I guess
it wouldn't be so painful if I didn't still love you

so I'll continue to wait
until it fades

(please God if you are truly there let it fade I don't think I can live through another 9 months)
(NINE MONTHS?!!??
I CANT GET OVER IT AND ITS BEEN NINE MONTHS)

my brain has felt foggy for quite a long time
it seems only drugs can clear it away
and happiness and love are able to find their way through

the hardest thing to ever accept is that this is how I am
when did I become such a sad girl
when I used to be the one who was always smiling

when did I become so afraid of being alone
and when did I love sleeping in my bed laying in my tears
rather than being outside and enjoying the Earth
my heart is heavy today
and it is hard to find the will to move my legs up from my bed
and to walk across the street

the only thing that can give me life is people
but at the same time I feel the constant desire to be alone in my thoughts

when will this constant battle end
when I am dead?
it frightens me
to think all the pain goes away when I am no longer living
but it also comforts me

everything will be okay soon
I know that
but today
half of the day inside alone
has felt like it has aged me four years
and I'll look at my face in the mirror
and see more lines
from stress
and sadness

thank goodness pain isn't reflected on the outside
for I wouldn't be a pretty sight

sometimes when my mind goes to the darkest place
I wish we had drown
the night we fell asleep
together in the bath tub

so in love
we had no idea what pain was
we had no idea
of the storm that was coming

you made a mockery of the only thing I had

you took the essence of me and laughed at it

I didn't want to be this way
I try very hard to be strong

I think to myself how I am crazy
I didn't ask to be born with a messed up mind

I live on a roller coaster in my head
and sometimes it breaks and can't go back up

I am sorry I am this way

I don't know how to be okay again and I hurt so much my brain flirts with the concept of suicide

I could never hurt my family and friends in such a way
but my heart is terrified of my chemically imbalanced brain

I am trying my best

you are my suicide note
my last dying wish
and my last will
of hope

It makes me feel bad,
how I become so anxious,
to be sure that you love me.

I should just accept the fact,
that you keep me on your mind.
And be grateful,
that I'm the only one.

I should not let them,
  the traders
  manipulators
  and heart breakers,
Control my future with you.

I used to be the one who didn't worry.
"Go with the flow"
"Whatever happens, happens"

I found him under my skin.
I hated myself.
So. Many. New.
i n s e c u r i t i e s.

You taught me to love again,
  not only you,
Myself.

Thank you.

So,
as long as at the end of the day,
I'm the one you think of late at night.

everything else is alright with me.

when I woke this morning
my eyes shot open
and I realized how truly awake I was

a strong desire to fall back asleep
to avoid feelings that have been haunting me

each night my lullaby is a prayer
asking for help
not for me
but for you

it helps me sleep soundly
knowing that God had heard my pleading prayers
because I am helpless in this state

I am ok
I understand that now
that I will be fine
but I worry about you

God separated us so violently
so maliciously
and so carefree

because I needed to truly find myself
to understand my feelings
and my heart

had I never lost you
I would have never found my art
my poetry

it may have driven me into the arms
of a ****** up love with someone else
but now I am so strong

so I pray for you

I pray God is testing you as well
opening up a door you long bolted shut
prying his fingers underneath where I couldn't reach

I wish I could break down this door
but it is a part of you
and I wish to never break you again

I'm sorry for everything
we both know

but I'm not sorry for God's plan
for we can feel it in the room
in our heart's frequencies

I am here
do not be afraid
do not let her make you feel sorry
or helpless
or scared

you told me you do not need anybody
and that includes me
and that is alright

but please get out
I am so afraid for your health
all I want is your divine happiness
and all she is bringing is frustration

I FIND IT KIND OF FUNNY
HOW I USED TO SIGH OF PHOTOGRAPHY
AND YOU GAVE AWAY A CAMERA
BEFORE MY VERY EYES

ALL THE PHOTOS I HANG
ABOUT MY ROOM
TO REMINISCE ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT MADE ME FEEL SOMETHING
PERHAPS PURPOSE

I TOOK PHOTOGRAPHY FOR TWO
YEARS
AND I TOLD YOU OF MY DREAMS
OF MY VERY OWN DARK ROOM
TO DEVELOP MY PHOTOS
AND DEVELOP MY OWN FILM
BY HAND

NOW YOU ARE LIVING MY DREAM
AND I SAW YOU GIVE AWAY THE CAMERA BEFORE MY VERY EYES
WHEN I ALWAYS WANTED TO BORROW IT
DID YOU LISTEN
DO YOU NOT FEEL MY PAIN IN THE AIR
HAVE YOU DISCONNECTED YOURSELF

I told you today
Sometimes I wish I had never fallen in love with you

I had to hurt you to see if you felt anything at all
And you did
I'm sorry

It was the truth
I'm even more sorry for that

But still
I love you today
I'll love you tomorrow
And I'll love you even when you stop loving me