A whoosh of air that makes me feel alive
And all at once fills me up inside
With memories of budding leaves
Pulling my head up into the bright blue sky
And makes me feel so light I may fly
To lean and sway in its large gust of life
Delivers me to a palace of light
Where water lives and rivers sing of odds
Oh water murmur me a song of heart
Moving fast or stagnant still and calm
You’ve seen things no one would dare to hear
And you have hopes but never fear or doubt
You have no secrets open book for all
And you have seen all grow and seen all fall

Loving you is like breathing
with asthma
anytime I moved too fast
I tried too hard
I stopped to clean off the dust or smell the flowers
suddenly it wasn't something my body did without thinking
it was something I needed aid with
then after some time it was easy again
I appreciated it so much for a while
then
I took it for granted
and I cleaned again
I planted flowers
I ran towards the future
and I forgot
it isn't always easy to breathe

There is a little gremlin inside
whom I imagine looks like you
who yells when I eat
who tells me what to do
and makes me mess up
then yells at me then too
he eats at my insides and makes me feel sick, weak, and scared
he makes me cry when I shouldn't and gives me this horrible hollow feeling
It's destroying me
one day it will **** me
you two would be best friends
you've always liked the people who tear me down
it's eating me from the inside out
feeding on my grief and pain
and I can't fight it with no food or expelling what has been eaten
I can't battle it with silver blades and bloodshed
It will destroy me
no one will listen about it
even though they all see
it's eating me

The ceiling waves down at me
The floor swells up
And all at once I’m hit with “too”s
I’m too sad and too happy and too hot and too cold
My mind says I’m too fat, too tall and too loud
I can’t hear the thoughts I’m supposed to be hearing
Then I do it
I push down
It stings for a second and then…..
The whole world equals out

the light above my head flickering
onoffonoffonoffonoff
to fast to really label when it is or isn't emitting a thin ray of yellow mist
like my mood
shifting under the flickering light
happysadangrysuicidalhungrynauseoushypertired
fighting for control of my thoughts
always fighting
everything and everybody
and my sides hurt and my stomache hurts
either because I ate at all
or the meagerness of the portion
I talk to my stomach like it's a child
like I'm a mental patient under the rapid flicker
"shh, now don't be so upset," a giggle escapes me then a tear
I want to yell at myself for the silliness of it all
"SHUT UP!" I grit through my teeth to my stomache
"we have to stop eating so much"
It growls like an upset toddler
I punch my thighs in the same manner
then I lean my head back and stare at the flickering light
and recite some poem about getting ready to give up
but I don't really hear myself speak
It's all a dull roar in my ears
I stare at the flickering engrossed
when I come to the outside is dark
my arm is bandaged
my blades scattered by the sink
wasn't I at school?
the bathroom light flickers then dies
leaving one small vanity light
illuminating my face
everything looks sadder like this
but the flickering has stopped
I feel calmer
no feeling fighting for top billing
no frantic onoffonoffonoffonoff
I put on long sleeve pajamas
pick up a book
and climb into bed
where my floor lamp begins to flicker
onoffonoffonoffonoff
and I'm suddenly freezing and burning up
I want to scream
I want punch the bulb so it shatters against the wall
"not...again"

I'll never be good enough for her
I think she knows this
I always try so hard to prove myself
but I'll never be what she needs
I am not good for her or her family
I have so many questions to ask her
so many things I'm scared to hear or say
I love her
with everything I have and am
I can't even bear the thought of losing her
just the thought crushes me
but it has to end sometime
nothing lasts forever
can she see it in my eyes
when I leave her house
that I'm breaking
I'm afraid if I ask her
any of the things on my mind
that I'll have pushed to much
and the bubble will pop
and this beautiful thing will disappear
forever
and I'll never get the chance to tell her
that I don't just love her
I am in love with her
and that makes all the difference in the world
love and in love
I have never been in love
and that one difference
that small word change
is what keeps me from going back to the dark places
it's my life cord
but I can't tell her that
or she'll feel like she has to keep it up
but what if she already knows and stays with me just because of that
I just don't know
but I would suppose I have to tell her
have to ask her
or I'll never be sure she loves me too
and what would be the point other wise

Her eyes were so beautiful
I hated it
Her hair so saft
I hated it
Her legs so long
I hated it
Her body so shapely
I hated it
Her fight so weak
I loved it
Her screams so peircing
I loved it
Her blood so red
I loved it
Her skin so cold
I loved it

everyone leaves eventually
whether by death or by choice
they leave
and I am left nursing my broken heart
trying to hard to peice it back together
and through my armour I hear myself saying things
"I'll be fine." "I love you." "I'll miss you."
and then they are gone
and I'm not talking anymore
and I am painfully aware I never said goodbye
I don't know how
it's in that basic skill set I was never taught to access
and I wish I knew
because they know I didn't say it
and I may never talk to them again
but I miss them terribly
and I will never get the chance to tell them again
I miss them
I love them
and all I can do is wish
wish that I knew how to say goodbye

I hear the bullies but never, almost never, the victims
I hear the fake laughs used to stop the worry
I hear the truth and the dark
I hear nervous pencils tapping
And whispers from one to another about yet someone else
I hear the sobs released from the brave soldier who’s given up the fight
I hear the crush from each soul as it’s broken and reformed

if I told you about my life you’d be disapointed in me.
the lies and the fear
the self-inflictedness of it all
so don’t look to far behind my mask
’cause I’m not ready to lose you too

I'm in love
With a girl
With bright green eyes
She is bare faced and beautiful
Messy haired
Dressed up as who knows what
Flushed cheeks laughing at someone's dumb joke
And I am reeling
I am in love
With the one
With big hazle eyes
In a beanie
In a bit of eye liner and beautiful
They are looking off to the side
For a friend maybe
And I am looking for them
In the background of photographs I never asked them to join even though they were right there
I am in love
With a broken spirit
And it's too late to invite them into the picture
I am in love
With their slightly shifting eye colour that was "legally hazle"
I am in love
With never knowing exactly who they where and why'd they need a lable anyway
I am in love
And they and are far to gone for that to matter

Oh kitten small kitten
So black we barely saw
You jump up in the air and grab the snickers from her jaw
We loved though we didn’t know we’d keep you at the time
My heart feels sorrow even now though we lost you what seems like so long ago
You fit right in the family eating stir-fry with delight
My black cat my lovely cat we saved Halloween night
I will never fill the hole left in my heart
Nor forget the tears I shed the night you had to part
You don’t have grandkids that we know though mom and dad have one
Who sits and plays with Ana they have so much fun
Sometimes I swear I feel you circling my heals
Or sleeping in my bed at night with purrs of darkened still

thin lines becoming thicker
shallow lines becoming deep
I add more
and more
and more
line after line
of pain shifting demention and becoming dull
then I'm left hollow and light
to clean up the mess of monster
a monster I know but have never met
as the lines grow
it's presence grows
helping me create more lines in its wake
I add more each time
and each time it gets harder to pull away and stop

There was a kingdom that never was
In that kingdom that never was
There was a home that never was
In that home that never was
There was a girl that never was
Was a happiness that never was
And that girl that never was
Never loved
Never dreamed
And lived happily never after

Alone in a world where nothing lives forever
Death and his touch bringing sweet black oblivion
A final rest for a solemn soul
With its sweet release

The rain seeps to my bones
Cold
Icy
Where are my shoes
Where is my home
My house
It never was a home
Why am I wearing a tanktop
And shorts
When did it start raining to begin with
It’s really cold
Really really cold
I’m shivering
Shuddering
When did my knees hit the concrete
Where am I
I’m cold
Cold isn’t a place
Here’s a question
When and why did I leave
I’ve lost myself again

"Father...father look at me as I talk to you." I demand dropping my book bag on the floor out side my room.
"hmm?" he says not looking at me, being much calmer than he could ever be in real life. This is how he always is in my dreams, saying exactly what he would in real life but in this calm, monotonousness that make me want to scream.
"Father I hate you. I have always hated you, you have never been there for me for anything. I hate you very much and with all of heart." I try to subdue the anger in my voice. He still doesn't look up at me.
"Well, that's nice dear, I hate you too." he finally looks up at me "I didn't even want you in the first place. But, ******, you were healthy and your mother wouldn't have any of." Then he looked away.
"Father, would you care if I killed myself?" I asked the tears falling from my eyes and my hands shaking, I'm so angry at his calmness.
He chuckles "Of, course not darling.."
"DON'T CALL ME THAT YOU ARROGANT SON OF *****!!"
"Gun's in the study," he says
Then I wake up.
A thousand times I've had this dream.
Not once have I been able to convince my subconscious that he would care even a little bit.

The "good child"
oh yes yes yes
I am mommy and daddy's shining star
I cook and clean and I am so very polite
good grades, and don't talk down to my superiors
oh yes, mommy I am your good little girl
of three children I am the "good child"
until your backs are turned
drink, smoke, party and play with strange lips on mine and strange hands in strange places
I am the "good" one
with a secret girfriend
and secret scars
and a secret eating disorder
but don't you worry your grown up little heads about that
just keep telling people I'm the "good child"
and I'll be "good" enough to play along

The kids are always sick
It's our own fault isn't it
Because we're "weak"
we "have it better"
I guess our brains don't really matter
we "aren't really sick"
I'm so sick of it

There is nothing I can do
Because I’m not the star of my own story
I’m not exactly furniture either
I’m more the person they send to walk in the background of movie scenes
So it isn’t painfully clear they’ve blocked off the street
But all I do is walk
I’m not important
And there is nothing I can do

I was young so very, very young. I WASN’T EVEN SIX! And you were in high school….. and i trusted you. I followed you and you said you’d keep me safe if I got scared. Then you asked me what I wanted to do. I said play house and then you asked me if I new how we would make a baby. and i was so young….. I said leaves and sticks and then you grabbed me you kissed me and stuck your slimy tounge in my small mouth and then I don’t remember much I don’t remember if you did anything else I don’t remember getting back to the apartment I can’t even picture your face…..I know you've made me put up a barrier on a part of my life I shouldn’t have had to. Why? I WAS YOUR BEST FRIENDS LITTLE SISTER……I WASN’T EVEN SIX!!!!!!! I’m afraid of running into you on the street and you getting your revenge that I told on you and that it ruined your life. I can’t tell people. Why would you you do this to me I just wish I could understand. I just wish i had been given a chance at a normal life and you stole that from me...why?

I tried my whole life trying to be perfect for you
my whole **** life
and you walked out
so go ahead and come back today
she may let you back in the house
but you will not be let back in my heart
I was never let into yours anyway

Wrap me up
Like the end of a book
Wrap me up
Like a long winded speech
Let the music play me off stage
I have nothing left to make my case
Wrap me up
Not like you used to
Not in hugs
Not in blankets
Wrap me up
Wrap me up like a pet to be buried
And forget
Forget where it is you laid me

How did I feel when you died? How did I feel?
How would anyone else feel losing the person they loved?
Love.
I never could stop.
You know...you know how I believed in ghosts?
How, how I thought unfinished business would keep you here.
I don't anymore.
I stopped beleiving.
Not immediately, no
Because I wanted so badly to think you were still with me.
It was after I didn't feel you anywear,
After I paid someone $300 for sessions to talk to you
And she said things that were untrue, that never would have come from your mouth.
How did I feel when you died?
Easy, I didn't.
Not sure I ever will again.

Interested?
Like you were in her
Only...only you said you never could be
Violent
Everyone lies I guess
Do you remember?
You promised you would
Outsider to our own relationship
Understand?