The retainer where she was put
Was made of concrete. My father told me they had
Dug the grave first, then poured the concrete in, waited for
It to dry and harden, then hammered in six
Circular spikes in the four corners, two on either side
Of the middle. They lifted the concrete cast out with a crane.
My dad was going to be charged 300 dollars a day for the rental,
But because of the circumstances, Home Depot let us have it for free.

-

Where was she?
Where had she gone?
Would I see her face again?
Would she want me to
Meet her on the other side of the river?

-

I answered my cell phone.

"Make sure to bring flower's."
She had been crying. Her voice wavered the way sun light
Does on moving water.

"Make sure to bring flowers," she repeated, "And
That you wear what your father and I bought you."

I nodded my head with the receiver pressed up against my ear.
We both let out a sigh. My mom hung up. I put my phone in my back pocket.

-

Lately, I had been seeing a shrink about repetition. He liked to use the word cycle.

"Everything is repeated," I would tell him.

"Life is a cycle," he'd disagree so to get me talking.

"Can cycles be identical?"

"Technically not. Some cycles are extremely similar, but no two cycles are
Completely the same. Are two people's lives ever exactly the same?"

"I wouldn't know. I don't know that many people. Maybe."

"You know lots of people, Camden. You have told me about many of your friends."

"Are we talking about the seasons?" I asked, changing the subject, "Like fall, winter, spring, summer? We are born, we live, we die, and we are born again?"

"That's a very natural way of looking at it."

"I know it is." I inhaled deeply, swallowing air and wondered what time it was.

"If you are so sure, why look for validation from me?" He liked this one, I could
tell. I imagined him shopping for clothes and then exploding in aisle 16 because of a sale on jeans.

"The word cycle is used by people too afraid to use the word repetition. Everything is
Repeated for the next generation, the next group, the next of the next of the next. We shift things
Around, give things to one another to shift life to make it look different, but, things remain the same. Everything contains the primal function we were all doing and living from the very beginning, only now, there is more of a separation. Music is still music, words are still words, paintings are still paintings, love is still love, death is still death, only done differently and more intensely."

"We are talking about man furthering technology because we, as people and creatures, are
Statistically more prone to flee than fight?"

"Why do you think it has caught on so quick?" I touched both
Corners of my lips with my tongue and suddenly realized I hadn't eaten breakfast.

"It is a theory," the psych nodded, "A theory with, I am sure, many
Palpable facts you could make a very nice report with to prove...something." He
Was at a lost for words and I felt guilty that my mom was paying him $75 an hour.

"We are very split. There are too many of us. Too many hands spinning the china."

"Who is we Harry?" The psych hadn't looked up from his pen and pad of paper, until now. I could
Tell he was annoyed with me either because he was making no progress or because the session
Had just begun and I was already digging into him.

"Culture. The government. You, me, my dad, my mom, the taco bell cashier, the geniuses at Apple computers, a paper weight, my dead sister. We're all apart of these shifts, all putting in a certain amount of energy and lies to keep the protection of the projection going. The question I keep asking myself is: do I want to use my strengths to be apart of this cycle or not?"

His eyes flared open for a moment like he'd swallowed a firefly, not at the question I had posed for myself, but from what I would soon see was from the mention of my sister. He had something.

"I was notified by your mother that you may not want to talk about your recently deceased sister. Is It O.K. if I ask you some questions about her?"

I was leaning forward on the couch with my hands clasped in between my legs. The psych had looked up at me now. He was sweating at the top of his thin hairline. Observing that I was staring at his building perspiration, he, trying to be nonchalant, took out a thin, white napkin from his grey shirt pocket and dabbed the top of his head. The napkin looked like cheap toilet paper. I'd have offered him some water, but I had no water to give and I didn't know where the sink and cups were to give him any. I figured he did - it was his office - so I asked him for some. He pointed me in the direction of the bathroom. I got up and found a stack of paper cups. I poured myself a cup and went back to the couch, but instead of leaning forward, I sat back, relaxed, and let the expensive leather couch take the weight I had been carrying away.

"So," the psych maintained cooly, "Would it be alright if we were able to discuss your sister?"

I lifted the paper cup over my head and the psych's eyes, after I poured the water over my hair, my face, and clothes, was a mixture of what my mom's eyes looked at the funeral, defeated, confused, and with a loss of faith and hope. My father's eyes had only held hate, anger and the need to lash out at someone, but the only someone that would have fit the bill would have been God.

"Sure," I answered, "Let's talk about my sister."

-

I finished drying myself in the car. The psych had let me keep the towel.
I leaned out the window to look at myself in the side mirror. I looked fine.
Presentable. Accountable. Like I had been through something where I had
Faced my soul. Like I had used and abused my emotions. There was comb in my glove compartment, so I took it out and rushed it through my damp hair. Slicked back. The sun
Was out, no clouds, burning up the inside of my car. That taste that comes after
Finishing something that's supposed to do you good didn't come. I was left with an unsure hand.
Putting my keys in the ignition, I turned them, and felt the engine rumble in front of my legs.
The sun sat in the sky like a lazy hand and I had nowhere else to go but home.

-

"Let's go to the river today," my dad said over coffee and two over easy eggs on top
Of burnt wheat toast. "I'll drive and you and your sister can sit in the back and sing."

I looked over at Ally. She was gazing into her fruit bowl she had prepared for
herself because dad didn't understand the concept or how to make it. The lamp light above us
reflected in the smooth apricot yogurt and the flecks of granola scattered on top
looked like beige, jagged rocks. My dad's offer hung in the air and neither
of us bit the lure. I had just woken up and was unable to speak clearly, a decent
excuse. Ally was simply choosing to ignore him.

"What you think there Ally?" I asked her. I sipped my coffee. It needed more cream. I got
U, got it and brought the carton to the table.

"We can take the truck down there and load the back with the fishing poles and tackle
And inner tubes. We haven't...done that...in a long time," he said, chewing his food as he spoke.

Ally poked her fruit bowl with her spoon, silent.

"What you think, Cam?" My dad was desperate. He knew I'd say yes.

"Sure. I've got no plans this weekend."

"No schoolwork?"

"It can wait till Sunday. Only math and some reading."

"Ally, what do you think?" my dad asked, leaning over to her. I could see he was
Trying to be as courteous and gentle with her as he knew how to. I felt bad for him.

"Sure," she muttered, "That sounds like fun." I could barely hear her, but somehow,
I could tell she sounded happy.

"Perfect," my dad smiled, "We'll pack the car up Friday,
Drive up Saturday morning early, camp one night, then get back Sunday afternoon." He
Took a long sip of his coffee and swished it around in his mouth, then dug
His fork into the dry toast and ran his small steak knife over the eggs. A silent pop came from
The egg and the light orange yolk spilled out. "Perfect," he repeated, "Just great."

Ally poked a grape from her fruit bowl and dipped it into the yogurt.
I took another sip of my coffee and looked up into the fan, spinning above us.
We were going to the river.

-

"Your sister turns five today," my mom told me, "And that means
I want you to be on your best behavior."

I nodded, unsure what the point of a birthday was. I had had one before, or at
least I thought I did, and all I remembered was that I got presents and the colorful balloons
and the cake we all ate with fire kind of floating and burning above it. Somewhere
in that moment I remember thinking that the cake was going to catch on fire, then they, everyone,
some that I knew and some people I had never seen before, yelled and shouted to
blow the fire out, so I quickly did, but not because it was for a wish, which I later found out it was supposed to be for, but because I truly thought the cake was going to catch fire and they wanted me to take care of it. At that point, I was unsure what it meant to be alive or why to celebrate it all.

"This is her day, Camden," my father told me, "So I want you to be happy for your sister."

"I am," I said. I was wearing my favorite white and blue striped t-shirt and
New shoes that my mom had bought me for the party.

"Sometimes you have to think of other people," my mother continued, "And today is one
of those days. I don't want any crying because you didn't get any presents or that none of your
friends are at the party. There are going to be a lot of Ally's friends there, but not many
of your's...do you understand?"

"Yes, Mom."

"Do you understand, Cam?" My father repeated. His skin was the color of a burnt
pancake and he smelt like stale sugar and sun tan lotion. He was in front of me and was
holding a thin magazine with a man in a boat holding up a fish on a line on the cover.  

"Yes, Dad," I said again. I was hungry. I wanted mac n' cheese, my favorite food.

I had been on the floor, laying on my stomach watching Ren and Stimpy. They were standing in front of the television and I remember trying to wish them out of the way. Behind them were two, large bay windows where three palm trees stood in a row like tropical soldiers. I could see there was no wind because the three of them stood still, as if posing for someone. Their leaves were bright green, a mixture of the neon green Jello I used to love to eat and the orange Jolly Rancher my dad would always have in a tiny tray in the middle of the dining table. My mother hated having them there because it always tempted Ally and I, but he never moved it until he moved out.

"Do you like your show?" my mom asked, turning to see what I was watching.

I nodded, absently. Ren was licking Stimpy's eye because he was complaining about having
an eyelash in there. Stimpy was completely still and smiling like he does - dumb and content.

"Interesting..." my mother trailed off. She walked to the kitchen behind the couch and
Opened up the pantry for something. "You hungry, Camden?"

"I'm starving," my dad said, "Let me go check on Ally in the bedroom. She should be up
from her nap."

I got up from my stomach and sat back on my legs, "Do we have mac n' cheese?" I asked.

"Let me check."

She reached up for the cabinet over the stove where I could never reach and
Opened it. I rose slightly up from where I was sitting to see if I could see the glorious dark blue and orange package, but wasn't able to see over couch. I hovered there, still like a humming bird.

"You're in luck," I heard her say, "We've got one box left."

"Yay!" I screamed and got up, running into the kitchen.

"But," she smiled, stopping me, "You'll have to share it with your sister."

"No! I don't want to! I always have to share."

"What did we just talk about Camden?" she said, lightly stamping her foot.

I tried to remember, but couldn't. I shrugged.

"You need to learn to share, Camden. You also need to listen better when your father and I are talking to you. You and your sister are going to know each other a very long time and I want you to learn how to share now, so you two can be happy in the future."

"The future," I asked, "What's that?"

She paused, then said, "It's a time," she paused again, "Ahead of us."

"Do we know where it is?"

"Not exactly," she sighed.

"What's it look like?"

"No one really knows. People can only imagine it."

"Is it very far away?"

She opened the top of the blue and orange mac n' cheese box and poured the dry macaroni into a large silver ***, lifted the faucet, and let it run inside for five or seven seconds. She placed the *** on an unlit burner and turned to look at me. Her eyes looked far away and right there with me.  

"Closer then you think," she said and turned the burner on.

-

I turned into the taco bell parking lot. There was something I was trying to remember that was in my trunk, but I couldn't recall the picture. A haze blew over the windshield that was a mix of heat and wind; I wished to be somewhere else, someone else, someplace else, but, there I was, sitting there underneath the sun, like everyone else. If I was able, I would have unlocked the door to my car and opened the door and walked out - but - there was something else lingering underneath my fingernails, something I couldn't name.

"Two tacos," I said into my hand, "And a water."

"Pull to the window," the voice buzzed over the muffled speaker.

"Yes," I said through my split fingers.

In front of me, over a patch of clean cut green grass and a yellow, red, and orange Taco Bell signature sign, was a fresh gas station with a willow tree *** near the front entrance. He had a sign that hung around his neck that read Juice Please - Very Thirsty. How I knew this was because I had seen it every time I had been asked to fill up my dad's car every other Sunday. I had never given the tree a dollar, yet, I felt that I owed him something. I tried to pull up to the window, but my clutch was grinding and a cloud slunk overhead. I was tired and only wanted to eat.

"That'll be a two twenty-five," the voice said through the thick, clear glass.

"Yes," I said to myself, digging into my wallet for three dollars.

I ****** the three onto the thick plastic platform. A quick sweeping plastic brush pushed the bills toward the asker, and the bills were gone. I had no food. I had nothing. My money was gone and all I had was a gurgling car in front of me and an empty front seat beside me. A pair of clouds waded by my front shield window. A shadow drew itself out in front of me like a **** model. A beep. Sudden and behind me. There was sound. I looked over my shoulder and a black  2013 Cadillac was sitting there, windshield tinted grey, the driver a shadow. I was unsure what to do...so I pulled forward six inches, hoping the offer would be enough. I wasn't in the best neighborhood.

The window to the left of me slid open. An arm erupted forward with a plastic bag,
"75 cents is your change."

The hand dropped three quarters next to the plastic bag. I grabbed the bag with the two tacos and three quarters and quickly wound up my window. The face in front of me was a dangerous blur: smiling, frowning, not caring either way what happened to me next. The hands had gobbled up the three dollars and I was happy to see it go. Who needed money? I tossed the plastic bag onto the passenger seat and sped off two blocks for my grandma's house. Salvation. The holy land. A place with free hot sauce and two dog's that were stolen without paper's. Eden.

-

"What are you learning right now?" I asked Ally.

She hesitated, then said, "Something to do with science." She paused," Lot's to do with rock's."

"Rocks?" I stammered, not remembering a time when I learned about rocks in school, "What kind of rocks?"

"I don't know," she grinned, looking up at me, "All kinds."

I laughed and kicked a stone into the river. The sun was out and reflected on the water like an unpolished diamond. We had grown up a quarter mile away, but still, it felt foreign to us.

"I like it. There's some things you could see that you would never think to read about it in books."

I had read plenty off books. Most, I took little from, but Ally, I could see, had taken plenty.

"What are you doing in school?" Ally asked me.

"What do you mean?" I

She yelled from the bottom of the stairs

"What the **** are you DOING!?"

My neighbor, Mr. Monroe with the mustache, ring on every finger and a parrot that talked, pressed his face to the glass to look down at her.

"What the **** are YOU looking at?"

Mr. Monroe quickly went back to his day time soap operas and corn flakes. He never left the house because he believed their was going to be a grand earthquake where everyone that was outside getting food, shopping or at the beach, would die. He told me he believed that his house was a fortress and that God or mother nature or what have you could never touch him if he just stayed holed up in his room with his corn flakes and bath robes and old Sunday newspapers.

"HEY GUY, LET'S GO!"

I gingerly stepped out of my place. I stared up at the sky which was blue spattered with white clouds that were inching slowly toward the ocean. It was a beautiful day.

"******* FINALLY. What were you DOING?"

"Just getting myself a little more ready then usual."

"WHY?"

"I'm nervous or something."

We were headed to a dinner with my parents. I was going to introduce them to Alice and wanted to make sure all my pampering was in order, my mother could always tell if I forgot to comb my hair or use deodorant, my father didn't care. I walked cooly and lightly down the stairs.

"Well you smell like a laundry mat people have been drinking and ******* in."

"Thank you baby."

I kissed her on the cheek, waved up to Mr. Monroe who had gently re-placed his face upon his living room window, and headed to my car.

---

"So what you are you gonna' say to them about me?"

"I'll tell them we have a lot of *** and like movies."

"Really?"

"I don't know. Why not?"

"Seems strange."

"Were strange."

"What if we get married and they say that at our wedding and its awkward and my parents get mad."

"I'm not thinking that far off."

"Well you ******* SHOULD!"

Alice opened the window and stared out at the ocean which passed by with blinking blue reflective lights, beach combers and sand dune cops. There were many surfers wading in the light blue water waiting for the NEXT BIG ONE. I thought it was funny how they could sit out there for so long, not doing anything, and call it some kind of religion. I liked the idea of doing nothing and it saving you, I wanted to join but I was afraid of sharks.

"Do you want to get married to me?"

"No."

"I wouldn't either."

We drove down the highway but hit a big block of heavy traffic. We were gonna be late.

---

By an instinct I acquired either by fate, magic or the hand of the GOOD LORD, I ordered a hamburger with curly fries. The waiter was a young kid fresh out of college with a messy head of hair and a slight limp stuck on his right leg, he said it came from a biking accident but the kid looked like a scrapper.

My mother was alone on the other side of the table while Alice intensely examined the menu. There were clouds in her eye not of insecurity but of determination for my mother to accept her and pull no punches, when she wanted something she got it, like me.

"To start I am so sorry about your father not being here. He didn't come home last night and I haven't heard from him all morning so I suspect he forgot and slept at the office to get an early start on this Friday morning."

"It's fine Mrs. Kindle. I just feel so BAD for you."

"No worries. It is sweet of you to say though."

"Very sweet Alice. Yeah, I'm sorry Mom. Dad's an *** like that sometimes."

"Yes he is."

The water was warm when the waiter brought it. I hadn't looked at the menu but everyone was ready to order. I was thinking about my father all holed up in his on-site construction office, sweating over blue print over blue print, re-examining every last comma, every last note until it was "perfect". He had tried to get me into the business but I always hated a path that had already been trampled and organized upon, I didn't see the point.

"So how did you guys meet?"

"We actually met at one of Joe and Abe's parties."

We actually had met at a hot bar with loud music and cheap drinks with the wind ripping men and women to pieces outside and the bar man said we looked like we would make a good couple but we had never even looked or talked to each other but because this one little bartender in this one little hot tiny bar gave us the idea that maybe, just maybe, we would be good for each other I bought Alice a drink and then, thinking it would be funny and how she hates cliches, she bought me a drink and we got very drunk within the dark heated bar with the people swinging back and forth with the loud quick hipster electronica madness that spun all around us invisible in the smoke and the liquor and the cigarette smoke and there, in that dark steamy bar, we talked and talked and talked until I got a little drunker then her and she took me home, which we laughed about in the morning after we had drank a couple glasses of wine and tried to have *** but were both to drunk to talk or have *** or even kiss for that matter, we fell asleep on top of each other's faces and both of our necks were twisted and hurting in the morning.

"We call it "Our Spontaneous Romance".

"Very funny."

"Alice, do you know what you want yet?"

Alice, keeping her eyes down on the menu not looking up for a second.

"Not quite."

My mother shifted in her seat, she was getting anxious because she wanted to eat and she was worried about my dad. He'd been "busy" with many "things" that he "didn't like to talk about" or was "too tired to talk about" and it made my mom shift and silently sigh after every conversation either about the subject or related too.

"I'm going to have the soup and the sandwich"

"Turkey sandwich and salad for me."

"Healthy."

"Have to be."

"One sec..."

"OK."

"No rush."

"Mashed potatoes and gravy and ribs, that's what I want."

"Very nice..."

"Very nice."

"Thank you."

Alice was nervous. She ate mass amounts of food when she was either nervous or in tight confined places where she needed to converse but had absolutely nothing to say, the large order was her scapegoat and she would later blame it on *******, anxiety and depression, half of which was probably my fault. Alice didn't want to meet the parents, she thought it pointless, a waste of time and pushing towards something that may not even actually happen. She believed being invisible in a phenomenal world was the only way to go through life and in some respects, I agreed with her but also, I knew deep down, she was a little crazy, as was I.

---

"Thank you for meeting Alice and I for lunch Mom."

"Not a worry at all, I'm sorry about your father."

"I'll talk to him later."

"It was very very nice meeting you, very nice."

Alice and my mother shook hands cooly and suspiciously underneath the 3 o'clock sun. They hadn't talked much at lunch and I honestly didn't know how it went at all, they spoke about their food and that was it. Perhaps they neither hated or liked each other, maybe they were simply indifferent towards each other's presence and what they meant to me at all. They smiled, Alice waved as did I as my mom drove away down the hot black top. Alice, still waving said.

"Horrible, that was just horrible."

"I thought it went right as it went, neither here nor there."

"We didn't talk about anything but the food."

"Maybe that's all there was to talk about, some people meet and have absolutely nothing to say to each other, happens more then you think."

"Sounds right must be right."

"Let's go."

We both walked to my car which was boiling hot inside, the kind of hot when you enter when one wishes they couldn't breathe. We quickly opened the window turning on the radio listening to an old blues station for a second. I but the gears in reverse and slowly backed out of the restaurant parking lot as Alice neatly put on her dark sunglasses and rubbed sun tan lotion on her face, leaving a small patch on the tip of her nose. I paused the car before entering onto the main road.

"Let's get married Alice."

"I was about to say the same thing."

I pulled onto the main road home, nearly getting in an accident with a road biker who shook their fist violently toward my gleaming fender. I lightly smiled, embarrassingly laughed to myself, merging on. We were off.

meanwhile,

the Big Fat Yellow Bootay
was getting right tired of
waiting for the election to end.

so,

she set off down the highway
going ninety five...

"HOKEEEY POKEEEY!" she cried
as she gunned the engine and
threw herself in gear.

"HOKEEEY POKEEEY!  MOTHER *******!"
twice she cried,
"HOKEEEY POKEEEY!  MOTHER *******!"
this second time
for extra good luck
with the unfolding election.

cool Fall breeze caressed
her yellow metal,
her big fat yellow bootay,
a glorious day to
be out on a drive!

well, except where she had
come from.

beep beep
beep beep
always driving her
beep beep beeping insane!

it shore nuf was quiet
out this way!

she turned the shiny
silver dial to turn on the
radio.
'gonna have to get me
some better speakers
one day soon.' she thought
to her big fat bus self.

and what came out blasting?

"That's Alright Mama,"
by who else?
but the King!
Elvis!

Elvis has left the building
and now,
Elvis is ON THE BUS!

she didn't quite know all
of the words,
but what the ****,
she sure could sing!

As the big fat bus
with the big fat bootay
was driving along,
singing joyfully,
she glanced in the rear
view mirrow and what
did she see?

why the ghost of Elvis himself
was sitting right there
right in the back of the bus.

He starts strumming on his
own guitar and singing,
'that's alright mama.."

so she turned off the
radio to listen
to the ghost of
the King,
Elvis,
himself,
singing in the back
of her big fat yellow bootay!

she also watched him eating
a lot of food
in the back of the bus,
her bus.

his ghostly figure
seemed to
fluctuate between fat Elvis,
and skinny Elvis,
like a seesaw.

by and by
says he,

(not the really fat one
but not the really skinny one
neither.)

'I need a pit stop.'
says the King

so the big fat bus,
with the big fat yellow bootay,
asks,
asks she,
'you wanna stop at the next
stop & go,
or
the next
fizz & wizz,
or
my fav if you really
need a constitutional,
the stop & plop?'

at this particular junction in time
this ghostly King,
was in the shape
of Fat Elvis
but very cooly outfitted,
bellbottoms and rhine stones
or were those all diamonds?

note to self,
the big fat bus
squirreled away,
check on that.
are those real or not?
more mulha is always
good
and this just might
be mana from heaven
in the form of Elvis the KING
himself
and maybe just one
of those diamonds
will fall out and
get lost in me.'

mighty strange happenings
going on around here in this
big fat bus
with the big fat yellow bootay.

' the stop and plop little mama,' elvis replied
with that
ohhhh,
soooooo,
divine Elvis drawl
and that darling little
thing he did with his mouth,
but was doing now
as he was sitting there in the
back of HER big fat bus
with HER big fat yellow bootay!

OH MY,
it really is a
HOKEY POKEY day!  she sighed.....

we ate government cheese
that came in a dull brown box
we were too young
to understand what welfare
and food stamps meant,
our empty bellies never protested
at the salty orange blocks

in front of the bodega,
we saw a woman introduce a hammer
to a drunk tyrant’s skull
his blood pooling on the streets
was too red for new eyes

we watched hypodermic needles
bloom on stoops
cling to life on curbs
the graffiti on abandoned buildings
was our Louvre, our Salon de Paris
sweltering streets our baseball diamonds
prostitutes, black or brown or both
mothered us between shifts

we grew up in projects,
that sheltered drab lives
and senseless brutalities
gunfire, sharp and immutable
punctured lullabies

we were small boys
watching life unfold
the way one stares at an accident
detached and mildly curious
eyeing cooly the despair
and impossible hopelessness
of growing up poor
in Brooklyn

She had stopped crying.
All evening in her black-mesh coup de voodoo.
On the plane she had been crying
For her Summer pal. Yesterday she had been to market
Big brown bags and white bags, little pink bags filled with crimsony scents,
Capricornia, looseleaf newsprint, postcards, and colored pencils,
She had hands full of handles, bags bundled, stitched in strict Saturday fashion.
He could barely break a step, he could fake dance with her feet on his tip toes.
She was only three quarters the perfect size to fit inside his frame.
The grand disappearing act. And she was only ifs and suicides.
A stranded ray of sun-draped hair on a cooly porcelain forehead, the segments were all just wrong,
Something so wrong, trembling heart cries over a mute coo through a flattened tongue.
The sickle tongue, dodgy on Tuesday's, She had a simple mug, oh! But so cute and soothing, the nape
That wrapped around, my arm lapped its hands in a clapping ginormous duck's bill!
Lapping rhythmically. Thwack! Thwack!
Like no crying I had ever heard. Nor Earthen beauty I had never seen.
Her little lamb legs lumbered over, her awkward thinness and long limbs spilt on top of her,
Her tiny shoulders searching for support from her hips. White aurulent doll head on a stick,
She had sad defeated eyes, whimpering, pathetic,
Too small, and she shuttered and she shook,
And she shivered out every teardrop her body ever made. And she fell back on her bottom, and looked
Up as if to see a white steed standing with her guy striking a poised hand down to her,
He split down the middle, stammering, broken pieces of words crumbling out of his mouth
With eager intentions. He was too weak
To give her his feet, or pull her up in, he hadn't the gumption. He was fully occupied standing,
He wept too; then shuffled a little
Towards where she had fallen. He knew she wasn't right
She couldn't get the devil out of her piercing blue pupils, she couldn't
She lied.
Then she just piled on top of her knees and fumbled as if to rise like a demure lamb trying to rise off its Newborn legs, she just curled her legs,
So stiffly built, and narrow footed, built with such inequality to her siblings,
She got in the way of herself, a little lamb that could not manage.
Too whittled for him, he tried, he really tried, but three years had drained his strength, no real help.
When he sat her upright on her bottom, she opened her eyes, and for a moment smiled, grabbed for His hand but then after awhile she was lost, she lost interest, her pupils wandered.
He was orchestrating everything.
A real project, much more urgent and important. By nightfall she could not stand. It was not
That she couldn't smile or laugh or love, she was born
With everything but the will to live -
That cannot be destroyed, just like a love.
Melancholy was more important to her.
Life could not get her attention.
So she died, with her handles still in her hands, green grass stains her legs.
She did not survive another warm summer night.
And then he wept uncontrollably again.
"The wind is oceanic in the elms
And the blossom is all set."

2

The boy has come back
From the seashore, and atop the plateau.
The woes of women are like a genocide
In the morning, when the killing is over,
And the heat begins, and the bodies lie,
And stark life moves for its sobbing bones,
The curved women move with fire.
Father Father Father the girls
Are weeping, and crying and I cannot resist that gentle frailty
They are shucked in their skin suits rising from their soporific slumbers
In decadent leathers and frou frou dresses. They cling to bold faces,
Nothing can escape that cold crying of women weeping for their princes.
Blood-letting rage cannot overthrow the meadow from the pebble brook,
As a laden head bleats its tarnished tongue across a milky breast, it cannot
Escape the sounds of blue-stained teardrops cascading across the plains,
The sounds of woolbirds braying while their skins are sheared against the
Sluicing sound of water rushing through the flume.
All summer they have lamented, gorging on melancholy, tottering their cotton pyramid heads,
Shaking their cries in deliberation, bald skinny victim women screaming out!
Cotton-mouthed clams yaffing, hearts in panic, wholes of bodies clambering in a *** of woe.
They roost useless, pollard and wethered, jealous
Squinting out the last droplets of desperation from their eyes, screaming their mouths in awful
Togetherness, this cacophony of tortured tongue-song
They curdle the last notes of despair out under knotted breaths
With every inch of strength left inside them, they bray this way and that.
Their mothers scream out in wretched despair, ahhh!
On distant cliffs, on scrawny legs
Their stiff pain goes on and on in the September heat.
"Only slowly their hurt dies, cry by cry,"
Whipped bodies toting wergeld on a shore.

The Day She Died

Was the gloomiest day of the new century,
The first of calamitous, unfortunate autumns to come,
The first dying breath from piceous lungs.

That was yesterday. Early morning, soft rime droplets
Frosted to every blade of grass, not like any other
Earlier June day we've ever had. In the deep twilight
The syzygy announced the moon and demoted the sun.

The Earth-crisp frost nuzzled snow droplets.
Black bands of ravens whipping. Martens littering
Fresh kills of red-eyed rabbits on stark white stale
Summer lawns. A fox grayed, its cold bones
Mapped by ravaged feasts. A possum prowling
In a spot of tawny light.

The concrete spread into a maze
Of black veins ripening in the acute niello
Destitution of its widening cracks,

And when the summer left
It left without her. It will have to accept,
In the paley dim light of this vengeful wilderness -
She is gone.
But for now the warmth has not returned but a naked, half-pomegranate
Rotten moon for us two.
And a great vacancy in our memory.

Angels falling out the sky like they’re racing straight to hell
Brothers drinking bourbon like they’re racing straight to jail
Last one to hit the fire is first to make the bail

Shadows keep secrets hostage
Until souls explode or melt
Deal from the stacked deck until the black ace is dealt


Chorus:
She walks to the door like cigar smoke rising
Heels click the floor like old men crying
She walks to the door like cigar smoke rising
Heels click the floor like young men dying


Trade your soul for shadow games
And watch her smile widen
Close your eyes and try to dream
And feel her talons tighten

Should have walked the ancient path
And sought the narrow gate
Crimson lies and smoky eyes
Have sealed up your fate

She walks to the door like cigar smoke rising
Heels click the floor like old men crying
She dances on your soul like cigar smoke rising
Heels click the floor like young men dying

i couldn't stop looking at this girl. i glanced down at my black leather jacket, black v-neck, ripped blue jeans, and black boots with the buckles on the side. i popped my collar and set out to find the girl i'd just found. i noticed the lights of this weird indie club i'd somehow ended up in. this music isn't normal "club" music. it's all arctic monkeys. the lyrics of these songs empowered me, i felt as though i had to continue my search for this soul.  despite the darkness, i slid on my aviators to protect myself from those blinding lights, and also to give me a hint of mysteriousness. girls love that.
and then there she was.
sipping on what appeared to be a bottle of coke, but i couldn't tell because of the ******* sunglasses i was wearing. she was standing laughing with one of her friends. she had such a different aura to her. i couldn't help but watch as she pulled out one of her organic cigarettes.
"i wanna make her mine." i thought to myself.
the lights reflected off the sweat on the walls as i tried to keep my cool, strutting my way over to her, hoping to get her eyes to lock onto mine. from what i finally saw of her in plain sight, she had love in her eyes and perfect lighting over her; like a camera plus filter. she took drags of that cigarette like some kind of goddess, causing me to get weak at the knees and form a lump in my throat, which i soon managed to somehow swallow. i had to find out who she was. i wanted her more than i'd ever wanted anything, or at least so i recall. i played out the scene in my head - we'd dance, and numerous guys would approach her. it was hard not to. i'd overpower them. "she's with me.", i'd say cooly.
i didn't realize all this fantasizing about my mystery girl had taken me so little time, because by the time i was finished my train of thought, i was standing right in front of her. god, i wanted her so bad. i swear, if i looked at her long enough, she'd steal my soul. the love in her eyes was contradicted by the incredibly **** sparkle in her iris.
"hello there beautiful. you seem to be having a lovely time. you're absolutely breathtaking, i'm forced to believe you are a certified mind blower. what's your name, milady?"
with a turn of her head, a bat of her lashes, and a flash of her perfect smile, she answered me in the most angelic voice i've ever heard.
"arabella."

her patience was starting to wear thin, impatience growing as one of the pervs from the table across his eyes preying on her. she gave him the finger and her hardest glare.

where the hell are you  she typed out, texting him

be there in ten i kinda just got out of bed...sorry

she just sighed looking out the glass panes that gave a view of the busy street, letting her thoughts wander. sam was waiting for her bestfriend, noah to show up. she was going to help him find a flower shop that caters black roses. he was going to give it to jean, the girl of his dreams as he liked to call her (sam just knew how much of a cliche he was underneath; they barely had a conversation in which he didn't insert her-sam stuck up with it and listened to him, always assuring him that he's going to get her who wouldnt)

"sorry im late" he says, panting as he arrives, varsity jacket slung in his arms

"you owe me" sam says cooly, ignoring the drum pounding in her chest. he looked like he always did; and gave off the same effect to all the girls in town (he had quite a following though he didn't mind)

playfully he rolls his eyes at sam and the two walk their way into his beat up camaro (which was very good at overheating and taking too long to start)

"bet this thing would come up with its tricks again" sam started with their usual banter

"oh hell no it's got my back"

"your flat back"

"my bootiful ***"

sam scoffed "wanna bet?"

"game on" noah smugly retorts with the smug smirk on his face that showed off his angelic structures

"on three two....." sam had her fingers crossed please don't work please don't

noah tried gunning the engine a few more times, turning the key into the hole over and over again but the engine kept dying. he tried for one more time;it was a miracle that it did. he faced sam who's face turned down into a frown. "ha you owe me now"

"i owe you none" she says slumped in her seat though deep inside she was enjoying this. their friendship had alot of these immature playfulness which she usually started.

"just buy me an extra waffle cone and we're even"

"*******"

noah laughed and sam heard the lilt in his laugh that she grew fondly of. they drove off the road with only the radio to filter the silence for a while. sam started tracing patterns on the car window.

she felt something for noah and it wasn't something she expected, neither was it something she was looking for. the first time they ever interacted was in a class they both had. his eyes had that mischievous spark that day and  he wore a devilish grin-sam thought he was the perfect guy to turn into one of her casualties or better yet get his heart broken. but all they did after class that day was hangout and drive around town. sam was quite shocked with the numerous things they have in common. since then, they've meant alot to each other. although it was different for sam. sometime in their friendship she started feeling something for him, someting more than friends do .she hated it; the thought of it made her want to rev her guts out;

she was never the type to like guys or girls and fantasize about them being together or even feeling the same way. she was the type of girl who played with guys for a night (a week was her longest) whenever she felt like it. she toyed with their hearts and felt satisfied when she saw them with tears in their eyes. she felt no remorse for leaving them in the gutter. she was never vulnerable  she was a heartbreaker. she was that type of girl. but with noah it was all different, it was all new. it was like being on the other side of the spectrum

it frustrated her, all of it. most of all the fact that she couldn't do anything about it. she couldn't just steal him away from jean especially now that he stood a chance. plus, he was serious about her, sam could tell-even if she tried making moves on him, he'd leave because that wasn't how he knew her-they went so well together: her being on the cheerleading squad with her perfect friends and her perfect grades, perfect life ahead and him being the quarterback of the football team and the perfect college waiting for him, heir to his father's company someday-they were the power couple. they deserve each other sam thought bitterly. she could be one of the "perfect" girls in her school if she tried. but she didn't, didn't find the need to because why bother? she'd rather be on the outside and deal with her own company and just resurface whenever she felt like it. he had dreams;she didn't. she was just a heartbreaker, a mess.

yet she didn't want to lose noah; couldn't lose noah-it wasn't a risk she was willing to take. around him she let down the high walls she usually was encaged in and instead had vine trellises wrapping around her almost as if caressing her. it wasn't like in the movies but it was a **** cliche which she felt in gradual waves.she could hear wind chimes in the edges of her nicotine corrupted lungs whenever she was with him and none of the nails splintering against board in the emptiness of her house she felt in the dark while her sister slept soundly in the next room, none of the stale unfamiliarity of her mother working herself thin in her round the clock shifts, staggering home the next morning smelling like alcohol. she felt something other than the hollow in her stomach when she's out partying with strangers, the bass sounding too much like her heart breaking and her existence decomposing. she felt none of the filth she did when she slept with guys and let them make love with their exes through her body. she felt none of all the ugliness, heard none of the monsters' calls. noah made her feel pure. made her feel bliss. there was no irony, no catches, no waiting for the other shoe to drop in what they shared.

some days she's accepted that they'd always remain platonic, that it was better for them to stay this way. but today wasn't one of those days, for it was one where she wanted nothing but to plant her lips against his and make him tell her that he feels the same, for him to wrap her arms around her and bury her face in the crook of his neck, drown in all their memories, become the memories become an us. it wasn't love but he made her feel loved.

her daydreams were cut short when noah parked the car infront of the flower shop near the outskirts of town. she smoothed her hair as noah opened the car door for her. she felt her palms sweat, immediately telling her brain that he was really just sweet and it's jean that he likes stop spewing up hurricanes and thunders for every sweet thing he does.

"so first stop"

"i still don't get why you can't just buy her a bouquet of plain roses and spray paint it black. i'll help out yknow" she replies in her usual mocking way as they enter the shop, the floral fragrance enveloping them.

"because you gotta put all your effort and your heart to get her"

"yeah right, hey you gotta put effort in spray painting too yknow like shaking the can and making sure the roses are all covered. we can cover your heart in black paint as well if we still got any left" she replies sarcastically as they start perusing for black roses.

he rolls his eyes at his best friend, throwing one of the discarded dandelions at her direction. she picks one up and throws it at him quickly. it was only a matter of minutes til they were both on the floor laughing, sneezing in intervals, dandelions scattered around them. the florist scolded them when he saw the mess they caused and made them pay for a daisy and a petunia boquet that was haphazardly upturned in their rowdiness-no black rose in sight.

sam laughed as noah took out his wallet and paid the florist who's face was now red. she heard him mutter a sheepish apology and for a moment, she allowed or tried to let herself get lost in the fact that she and her bestfriend were spending the day together she tried to forget that she was spending the day with him to help him be with the girl that he likes.

Remain in your cocoon,
Or you'll be bound and found,
With your mouth chewing the ground,
Allow yourself to be spoon-fed,
All the while keeping thoughts,
To yourself, neglect your health,
But what about wealth?
Never settle without the better,
Regret each intersection,
With the same interceptor,  
Search for the feeling,
The one that keeps you alive,
Or you'll be sent reeling,
And fighting for your life,
You'll lose your two children,
And your once devoted wife,
Who got fed up with the fools games,
And all the gorgeously smooth lies,
That manifested into ugly filthy ties,
That held the darkest parts in tow,
Making a saints row to destroy,
The evil, but he cannot be defeated,
Nor can he be thwarted, because
He has exposed all his forces,
And exalted all his horses,
As he listens to the theme,
every twang when the chorus hits,
Signals the next step in his chores,
The remaining cords,
Of the movements of music,
That grows with the rose,
Which bloomed from concrete,
But has now been bull-dozed,
This is the monster that haunts you,
The one that breathes in your ear,
And makes you say "I've Won,"
When truly your work isn't done,
Because you're still alive,
With no where to run and survive,
The motions set into play,
Once you began that chess game,
Which rose from a manuscript,
That you truly thought would fit,
Each and every word,
And while most of it occurred,
You had not accounted for fate,
And the people at the gate,
And the demons that await,
The food that is you,
Your body isn't enough,
Your mind and soul they consume,
With a moaning and gnashing,
And a clashing of silver spoons,
As the lustful creature swoons,
At the very thought of you,
And the mention of your entrance,
Makes her beckon for the reckoning,
That will yank you in a second,
Breaking good wasn't an option,
No, not any longer, why bother?
No one respects the facade,
That you engaged in in order to absolve,
Thyself of the dreams that had been killed,
With blood that was spilled ,
Thus flowing slowly into murky cracks,
Holding onto attacks, cooly
Calculated foolery, will not fool thee,
Into thinking any less of the dream,
The one that made you deadly,
One of the Seven Sins,
Personified in the actions,
And the reactions that happened,
With endless repercussions,
That something that one thing,
The suffering the offspring,
Of a deferred intention neglected,
Often thought of as disrespected,
Became respected, became feared
As the strands of hair greyed,
And the length of the beard,
Grew like bountiful hay,
Until crimson showers filled the bay,
Rivers of tears lead the way,
Destruction lies in your wake,
Oh poor devil, no one will cry for you,
Not a single tear will lend you grace,
Everyone you love faces your friend,
The one that determines all fate,
At the end, he sends, and upends,
And bends, and extends, a hand,
With a scythe to hold over you,
Oh poor devil, poor you,
A butterfly did not bear fruit,
But a moth birthed from the cocoon,
And into the flame it went,
Consumed.

"So you'll be in tonight? Wonderful, sweetie.
It's been far too long. Are you bringing Mattie?
Oh, I see. Are Todd's parent's good to her?
Alright, well, I love you and I'll see you at six.
Sorry seven...okay, sevenish."

The Prine place smelled of rich
lemon cleaner.
Not a cobweb could be found,
nor ***** dish, nor glass smudge.

Margaret Prine applied her blood red
lipstick--the final touch before school.

Mrs. Prine arrived thirty minutes before
anyone else, started the coffeepot in
the teacher's lounge, and wrapped up some
lesson plans.

The starting bell sounded,
she headed for her room.
Principal Hughes said,
"Good morning! Madam Margaret!"
as he always did.
Mrs. Prine, nodded cooly, grinned
lightly at the corners of her blood
red lips, and said nothing--as she always did.

At forty-five, she could turn more heads
than any head cheerleader,
and she was well aware
that beauty's power reigns
absolute.

Two young lovers draining saliva
stood outside her classroom door
dressed in matching yellow t-shirts.

"Excuse me, canaries.
Showboat your love out in nature.
Not outside my room," Mrs. Prine snipped,
calm like a seasoned surgeon.

"We're sorry--" Harvey's eyes met Mrs. Prine's.
Mrs. Prine felt a strange transfusion take hold.
The blackness started at her spine
and snaked to her skull.
Old jealousy, been awhile.

"Kaitlyn, Harvey, get to class."
Kaitlyn Mullens barely existed.
Pencil thin, thought little, and spoke less.
Kaitlyn just happened to be in Mrs. Prine's
literature class.
Mrs. Prine followed her into the room--
sizing up her shoulders, ***, and cheapshit heels
with a keen eye.

"Alright, everyone as you know, your analysis
on Catcher in the Rye motifs is due today.
No excuses."

During her lecture she couldn't keep her eyes
off Kaitlyn. The way she fidgeted incessantly;
shifted her gaze with each question asked.
Her idiot face somehow held a superior wisdom.
The dark jealousy coupled itself with
a wicked wandering mind.
A mind journeying into
the mad middle stage,
when a prime lioness
becomes declawed by calendars
and withering mirrors.

When the class left,
Mrs. Prine could not recall a single thing
she had lectured over.
She rubbed her head, sighed a low growl,
and began siphoning through the homework.
"Ah, there you are."
She grabbed a bleeding red ink pen,
then proceeded to massacre the essay.
"Plagiarism, plagiarism. Lazy, lazy."

:)
1. tell all of your problems to a tree; it’s not going to answer back but it will love you

2. stuff your face in a pile of snow

3. get up and dance when there is no music playing

4. stand infront of the mirror with one hand cooly resting on your hip and the other hand pointing at yourself, and then wink at yourself like you’re the most attractive babe out there

5. stop everything you’re doing and speak in gibberish until you laugh

6. paint with your toes to Beethoven

7. roll around on the floor for a few minutes; move furniture around so that you have plenty of space to do so

8. bake someone you are fond of cupcakes and surprise them out of the blue

9. pick a ton of wonderful flowers and hand them out to strangers that pass by

10. when you’re stubborn, stuck, in pride, in pain, in mind, tell whoever your head thinks it concerns these 4 lines in a row and nothing else;
"I love you
I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you”
(Hoʻoponopono)

11. buy yourself a yummy ice cream cone

12. go swimming alone and let your body flow and be one with the water

13. write a real old fashioned letter to your mother or father telling them about yourself and that you love them

14. stand outside in the pouring rain until your clothes soak; and make sure you’re barefoot so that gushy mud can get between your toes

15. go to a park with a swing-set and just swing by yourself

16. make yourself a big beautiful breakfast in the morning

17. give your friends meaningful hugs that last a very long time

18. read a passage or two in The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

19. shut off your Netflix and go on a bike ride in the middle of the night

20. hug yourself and kiss your hands and your arms and stroke your hair and tell yourself aloud “I love you; I love me” over and over again

21. breathe deep into your belly like a Buddha instead of shallow into your chest

22. go to another city/province/country/continent on your own for at least a week

23. don’t shy away from holding someone’s hand or kissing them if you think it feels right

24. hold a baby in your arms

25. drink a glass of water

I was out foraging in the woods today,
This morning, when it was cooly,
Dark, and quiet, only the birds had a say.

I saw the sun force the darkness to hide,
Allowing me to see;
Strewn branches, twigs and leaves astride.

Dead waste or my fire’s delight?!
I came home successfully,
Joyfully and proud with the efforts of my might.

The light which breaks at dusk through a window
The sunlight is fragmented into ripples of rainbow
They flicker and pulse, and what little do they know
They dance to remember, of once being whole

The breeze which winds at dusk from the west
Whispers cooly in the ear a rumor of a test
And as the dust is lifted and sent a million ways
Think each a separate journey, perspective falls into place

The mockingbird which sings at dusk off of a perch
Tries to find a way, with the best view on the earth
Yet she sings others’ songs for others to hear
While the story of herself falls on a forest of deaf ears

The 7 o'clock chime which rings at dusk from the basement
Interrupts from the dust, with a tone of displacement
The chimes remind, a whole seperated by the divide
For love was once here, but it won’t be for some time

Health walks into the room and spots me in a second. He orders a scotch on the rocks and motions me over toward the bar. I pretend not to see him. I am having a deep conversation with Death, and it must not be disturbed. Death is telling me about her experience with Life, and how they like to share a good **** every once in a while. “You should call him up, he loves a cruel tease.” She says, holding her red wine with a wink. I think about her suggestion and ask for Life’s number. She looks around in her purse, pulls out a small crumpled piece of paper, hands it to me and says, “If he doesn’t pick up the first time, don’t leave a message. Wait for him to call you.” I nod,  fold it, and put it in my pocket.
I walk over to the bar where Health is sitting and order a tall Diet Coke with ice, indifferent to his presence.
“So, haven’t seen you around here much lately.” He says nonchalantly.
“I’ve been busy. Among other things.” I reply cooly.
“What kind of things?”
“I dunno. I’ve just been preoccupied.”
“With what?” He persists.
“I dunno… Sadness. Disappointment. Uncertainty.” I say.
“Ahh… Those are tough preoccupations. I met with Sadness the other day, she couldn’t stop crying when we were having lunch. She diluted her soup! And Disappointment, well, I haven’t seen him in ages. He sends me a Christmas card once every couple years or so. As for Uncertainty, well she lives in my basement. She makes me cookies instead of paying rent. She can never hold down a job for more than a few hours really. But she sings beautifully in the shower!” He smiles.
“Have you ****** Life?” I ask.
Health bursts out in bouts of uncontrolled electric laughter.
“Have we ******?! Honey, we have four children! Hope, Recovery, Freedom and Passion.”
“But she’s cheated on you with Death.” I say.
“How do you know?” He asks.
“Death told me.”
“You know better than to believe what Death tells you, don’t you?”
I look down at my fingernails. Jagged, short blue stubs.
“I dunno…”
“Have you met my children?” He asks.
“Briefly, at a party once.” I reply.
Health closes his eyes and takes a long, deep breath. He whispers something I don’t quite understand, something in a different language. The bar is now packed with people, and the music is blaring. The song “Language is a Virus” by Laurie Anderson is playing in the background. The atmosphere is chaotic yet Health maintains a peaceful composure.
Health slowly opens his eyes and says to me,
“It was lovely chatting with you. I hope to see you around somewhere again soon.”
He puts on his leather jacket and helmet, and walks out of the bar.
I remain seated, watching the chaos, with my hand in my pocket, feeling the folded piece of paper that Death had given to me mere moments ago. I just sat there, with Laurie’s lyrics looming about my head:
“Paradise is exactly like where you are right now. Only much, much better.”

If I could meet you at a diner right now,
see your bright face,
and the freckles that run lost on your cheeks,
I wouldn’t be crying myself to sleep.

If I could meet you at a diner right now,
I would ask how your day was with every fiber of geniality inside me.
I would not just say the words to progress the conversation to get to what maybe was really on my mind.
I would start with your day because that is real and important and helps me know you;
keeps me knowing and loving what I know.
Your day is more real than the delusions I came here to talk about.

If I could meet you at a diner right now,
my hands would stop shaking when they touched yours.
I would order coffee because you did,
trying to hang with the big dogs.
I would ask the waitress for 10 flavored creamers and use them all for one cup as I cooly smiled at you across the table.
You would use one creamer, no sugar.
You like the unaltered smell of coffee.
It’s one of your favorite smells, in fact.

If I could meet you at a diner right now,
you would already know what was wrong, so I wouldn’t have to. You would make me smile before I had the chance to tell you what I thought it was.
You would look at me so intensely that I could feel all you didn’t say and believe it so honestly.
We would make jokes about the corny verbiage of the breakfast titles as our inflection steadily escalated as we repeated them.

If I could meet you at a diner right now,
I wouldn’t be here wishing I were meeting you at a diner right now.
I would instead be memorizing the changes in your face, the way life does that.
I would love them the same because they belonged to you and told a story.
Your laugh lines would be exacerbated from the laughter you created and allowed in you,
by those lucky souls graced with your presence,
hopefully appreciative of it.
Your lips are still soft.
Your skin is slightly touched by summer which brings out your telling eyes that I can see when I close mine.

If I were at a diner right now, I wouldn’t be here. I’d be with you.

America is ******'
a bit its lips
are

America is
its tongue
the slippery
and sublime

it
so deeply feels
its throat
tight to fill pretty

her eyes
rolling wonderful
the whites
roundishly
enervated pink
with

a bit of sharp
a bit
of
glass
smoke and
pipes

her lipsfull
the meat
of "****"
and

when you
push between their parting
emits
the frailest squeak

but
*** er
the she
wants to
please *** er
the fucc
er lips
the cooly mess
er cheeks
damson stained
and puckering to

kisss

The world's a funny old place
There used to exist wondrous civilisations
in south amerika, north amerika,
afrika, australia and asia

Brown eyes in asia
Brown eyes in afrika
Brown eyes in the amerikas
brown eyes in australia
Brown eyes in asia.......

In europe, old Blue eyes
with holy laws got us tongue-tied
and gave us Blue-eyed apartied
You gnow this lyrik can wright
words come out free-flight
set the "truth" alight
enough of this pirate *****
robbers and looters take fright
I am the holy grail's "white knight"
a rhyming flea-bite
the verbal gun-fight
of a poet's loaded tongue
singing the praises of the unsung
crying the cry of the dumbed-down
dissin' the excommunicated klowns
this is the patriachal showdown
religious apartied must shut down
exorcise these cabbagetowns
time to make the vampires frown

Time to make your blue eyes brown
see through your brothers eyes
read through the lines of lies
recognise the world wide spies

"Apartied is dead?"..."Mandela is free!"
but not for all aboriginees
the nomads of the desert
and the people of the trees
and every kind of refugee
I don't see no Comanche presidency
in the land of the Brave.....
.....or the land of the Free
All I see is economic slavery
and god-fearing hypocricy
a full-on global tragedy
too much HE and not enough SHE
too much US and too much THEM
divide and conquer again and again
Sanity sold by CON-men
Truth dished out by AD-men

"so help me god" AMEN
"with god on our side" AMEN
"in god we trust" AMEN

who burnt the sisters at Salem?
how did it start?...and when...
...........will it end
this truth I defend
I come again and again
check my refrain
to remain LOVE MUST REIGN
feel this and you feel no pain
to remain LOVE MUST REIGN

They've played their game
the more things change
it's always the same
using pens to rob your brain
telling us that we're insane
well here's a lie from the outsane
your system stinks like your house-drains
your blue minds are chemically stained
your self-worth's imprisoned in fear-chains
no kind of killing is humane
all prejudice is ingrained
the vultures are driving the gravy-train
supremacists carry a blood-stain
blue-eyed apartied is soul-shame
the HIStory of victors is all that remains

In the last hour 2,000 people have died of starvation......
2,000 acres of rainforest have been destroyed.....
half a ton of toxic chemicals have been released into the atmosfear
50 plants and animals have become extinct

SO!..what do you think?
does it stink?
are we the weakest link?
are we standing on the brink?
of a precipice, sheer........
......with no bottom
all our gains are ill-gotten
this system is rotten
we've all but forgotten
.......how it was before!
the slamming of your doors
can't keep me out
conscious lyrik I'll spout
we must bail out
sort the wheat from the chaffe
sort the good from the bad

let me ask you.......who's SAD?
McFreudian....Babble-onian...
seasonally  adjusted BAD
Chemi-cooly...orange-juicey....SAD

INTEL-ectual-OTOMY
******­-monotony
Dot-com-fuckology
must catch a fire
dreaming spires......
.......and vampires
Ride the wire
we got to get higher
..............higher
higher than high

Try this for size
the slavemaster's disguise
is the mirror in our eyes
and it should come as no surprise
that life's greatest prize
is the life that you've got

yes life's greatest prize
is the life that you've got

Soft morning light seeps cooly through the window,
Filling the room with a dreary gloom;
It tickles her nose and taunts her restless state.
She tosses as the thunder crashes and turns as the lighting strikes.
But to no avail; a dreamless storm innate.

Now in the pale day he whispers softly,
The words, they race and run down her spine,
Caressing her mind; that heated spark true.  
Her breathing shutters and her back arcs,
Yet still… that grey rain lingers on.

So they stay the day away,
Lost in the cosmic reverie of but a moment gone by.
While the wind whispers beneath the songbirds,
And the trees sway in a blissful dance,
She found in his arms a warming solace,
breathing easy, mesmerized by petrichor's trance.

It is so, life continues by light’s love.
For the Earth is soiled and she is satisfied,
Twas a rainy grey so dull and bleak, but
A day so divine had bested her weary mind,
And she nodded, passing gently into sleep.

I move swiftly like a switchblade run cooly through your veins
no matter how you try to leave I will eternally remain
there is something in the wicked way you smile and say my name
there is something in that wicked way that helps me stay insane
and I drop down on my knees confessions spilling from within
you spit coldly in my face and thank me for my sin
I know I am not beautiful I know I am not kind
cause when you hurt me baby you leave mystery behind
I am swift as a switchblade the baddest lil girl
the shadow of a ghost haunting always in this world

I noticed you afar in your tainted uniform and deeply ironed apron.
When you walked with swagger and a little confidence, your dark hair stayed in place and reflected from your sunrise brown eyes.
Straight shoulders that arched your back and showed the bottom of your rose tattoo on your right bicep.
You approached me with that cocky charming waiter boy attitude,
sparkling white teeth and cunning smile.
Definitely a University boy
Can't be no older than 22
I slipped in a couple questions along with my order.
Are you local?
college boy?
I'm not an expert at flirting and you can probably tell that I haven't before.
You went easy on me.
"I board at the University ten blocks from here, but live three blocks from the diner. I crash at my mom's occasionally, but I like college."
You made it look like you were doing work by filling up sugar canisters.
I was enjoying the coffee too much.

It was 2:45.
You got off at 3.
I grabbed a pen and wrinkled napkin on the corner of the table.
I dotted my "I"s with stars and wrote 10 digits meticulously with a steady right hand.
You handed me the check and walked cooly back to the cash register.
Time was ticking, but I didn't want to be desperate.
I flicked my long straight black hair to my shoulder so it could bring out my eyeliner.
I walked to the register and nochalantly gave you the check.
I smiled and gave you the tip.
You threw the tip aside as the register flung open and held the written napkin in the light.
I walked out in confidence and exactly at 3:00.

She said she would move if we would just improve
Then the sails broke and we joked as the tea spoke
Now with the water high night is nigh and were alright
Can it be that love is here and time is nowhere near?

See the flower tasting sour won't you come on over?
Tongues are tied wrists are limp my pen is broken need a stick
After this nap we'll dump the sack head off books on our backs
Were young and dead old and feared with no sign of creakin' bed

Write what nothing holds true for if you do the blue will sue
Heads will turn as you will burn on a stake made of copper n' zeal
No neither hands are feeding inspirations curse don't burst
Mother made her hand here and now there's nothing no nothin' to hear

Oh' all along ears bend and spend their lives cooly listening
Don't send your ears down the block for the clock has stopped
I listen to the tunes of buffoons who dance around like happy loons
A child tears up as he bares up another rafter of stale **** candy

At this time drinks are drinks and dames are dames and I'm still tame
I don't think myself lame or famed worded or locked up n' boarded
Nor clouds white as milk cool as silk stand on stilts dirtied felt
A smile is all one needs to feel the speed of a life worth lived

Either as the same here or the mirror shone anew
She blew through the air clenching her loving fare
Bus stop there hung in time none awaiting to be taken away
Now she's gone and I cooly stand still standing here

Of the as if's break apart while hanging from window sills
And the priest marchers ****** their own by mistake
Of stages which burn majestic rifle loud the golden tickets
And managers of magic maneuver themselves just to stay sane

Here we lay stranded doubting dutifully what we will and see
Cause the land is too bareen now to live or have any fun
Crowded corners of railway stations lay fragmented for you
I stand alone on the far side of the bended and black road

See how light the light breaks through this starry night
Hear how hard the sounds of the hounds howl and whine
Touch the tearing face of every other mother's son
Smell the smear of the feeling rear of a box car going & gone

Near to me was the only thing you said you knew how to do
Now with you gone I hear nothing but he skies crashing blue
Near to the end of the tree marked mark to dark were your eyes
Now your hair falls in another place far away oh so far

Suspend tie your wives who look off not so proud
Cause of the worry of the word shines on these familiar lies
I take what must be took for that must be that
Grip the Earth for Her skin never has bore any trap

Slow motion type of reeling metamorphisis and wall
Two to the too late sisters who wore her hair in tails
Ordinary at night but in the light of the breaking day
She wears the warmth of the world all through her black curls

But trapped away from the majestic tyrannical royalty
Of fear ******* pickers who scream of their lowly teen like woes
She bears no hate but seems to carry it everywhere she goes
And when you talk to her of love all she can say is so...

Sinister corruption in the corn meal concoction sense
Relying on the pencil shavings pieces spend to protrude
Neither I fell flat on myself or I never even knew you
Spending an hour to send another love note and then

But thought thinks fast for the feasible starry night
Yes' there was a ****** in the mercurial sense
Right to the end streets were made all lined in by the fence
Scissor of the sorry cuts through us all for far too long

Kindle the heat underneath that chest which softly beats
You were away but then by my search I found you again
Alone so secluded so as you asked for another in confusion
What has happened to you my lost angel my one reason?

But trickle no wet noon upon the block which we walked
These are the terrors of the town which make no sound
Your man with his hands has broken your name once again
We I me and you would never choose to live in time the same in tune

It's blank and dark down the pathway
under your bridge
the one connecting the life you earned
and mine I bought
and cheated for.
Take the first step
cooly convince yourself
its ok and cross
below the laurel overpass
to find you waiting,
hand open ready for
our single trek together.

when i think of people like you
in my head,
i imagine sunglasses -
someone who cooly, calculatedly,
manipulates the agendas of others
until they better benefit themselves.

but you?
you seem to openly,
almost boastingly re-arrange your reality
until you have created your best possible circumstances.
until you have absolved yourself of any responsibility.
until you are the one with the drink in your hand,
but your bill has been passed to the guy across the bar.

and that's not even the worst part.

the worst part

is that everyone can see it,

but no one seems to care.

and it’s in these gloomy days where i find the most peace.
contentment at it’s best in still skies,
quiet clouds glide cooly through a gray space big enough to hold this sadness and comfort it.
a soft call echoes and flies off,
carrying away any worries,
though briefly, still appreciated.
i am at peace.

Is a name of the sweetest kind

she threw me up - some old time movie kinda girl

busted some moves like she was a snake on a plane

poisonous i drank her deeply, cooly like whatchamacallit

yep i am feelin that vibe, i tell you

she is beauty perfected, she makes my heart thump

i never met her, never once did i see her face

she catches my breath and holds it, she laughs

at the way i try to breathe her in

she suffocates my soul because she knows i want her,

want her so bad

and i just think that when the wind blows

will it catch me and take me far from here?

i can see her laughing from the corner of my eye

i can spy on her, yet she doesn't know where i am

and still she makes it difficult to breathe

tendrils wrap round my body

cold, it throws me into shock

a swimming pool in the night

i can't catch my breath, i drown in her

she enters my skin and pulls at my legs

i am not grounded, when she is here

smile, she makes me

feel

warm inside, like i can survive this dream

and when i think i can't take anymore

i take some more

i take a deep breath and she is there before me

ready and willin to tear away my thoughts

i had before

come see me she says, come hold my hand

and i will

keep you

in my

arms

i think when i die i will be a forest
in who shall be does and fauns
pretty and glad in sunshine oh
yes sunshine will be there and
it will always smell like right after it
rains cooly on hot asphalt like
it smells like when you come into
a room i think when i die i shall
be a star flecked with innumerable
other stars on slick neat necked
night's pursed lips all pinched and
sticky with unyoung youth and
anciently when i die i think i will
be an ocean where will sleep mermaids
in pearl white skin and fishes and
a somehow little city in a nice little
dome where they will play music
such music as you would want to
listen to when you're sad because it
will always cheer you up and like
ee said to me one night when i was
reading him in my bed he said "it is
funny that you will be dead someday."
and i knew it right then that i think
when i die i will be a forest

Soon the the blue sky will open for you and you only
Eyes that once stared down will now look to the west
And the hair that stood tight on the back of your neck
Will cooly relax and you won't think to feel taxed

Oceans bright wet breeze will bring you at ease
While the peck echoes by a pelican's sneeze
Sand will whirl wild while every rough mile
We'll be twisted and groaning muddied in the mire

So soon the sky still n' high will grow dark to a white spotted net
We'll go out drinking wild sittin' and smiling to make a bet
Touched two parts from Sunday Holy 35 cent bowling
Parade in our name but we deny the fame same is our game

Through the bricks that lay red bare and chipping
We'll carry our horse but never do him in with whipping
Chapped our lips may get underneath the *** marked yellow sun
So shade we will seek our feet to carry right on n' on

Noon day near your ears are burnt n' unable to hear
So I whistle the sights around pointing with my cracked gloves
Mountains move nearer an' nearer so breathe light my dear
Over the crest is our home to be so please dear release the fear

HI DUDES


I AM LEARNING ABOUT COPYRIGHT, THE EASY WAY, I CAN’T HANDLE

WHEN PEOPLE SAY I AM BREAKING THE LAW WHEN I PARTY ON YOUTUBE

TO OTHER PEOPLE’S SONGS, SO, I USED THE 50 th ANNIVERSARY OF

MARCO AND SUSIE, TO CHANGE MY WAYS, YOU SEE, I USED TO BE TREATED

LIKE SOMEONE WHO IS TOO SHY TO BE FAMOUS, OR STUFF LIKE THAT

AND THAT FRUSTRATED ME SO MUCHL, I HATE THOSEV MATES NOW

CAUSE, I THOUGHT, THEY RESPECTED ME WANTING ME TO BE FAMOUS

YA SEE, I HATE HEARING THE VOICES DON’T MUCK WITH BRIAN MEN

BY PEOPLE TREATING ME LIKE A LITTLE YEAH MATE YEAH KID

I AM NOT A KID, I AM AN ADULT, BUT I WISH THESE VOICES

WILL LEAVE MY HEAD, SO I CHANGED MY WAYS, BY USING MY

BREAKFAST CLUB SHOW, TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT IS ON TV

I WANT ALL MY MATES TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD, I HATE THEM

ALL THEY WANT TO DO IN MY HEAD, IS PLAY WITH ME, SO

MY BROTHER CAN ENJOY THE COMPUTER, SO I GOT BACK INTO

READING THE MUSIC CHART, REGULAR THING, AND SHOW TAPESTRIES

TELL A FEW 90s TV TRIVIA, AND TRY AND GRAB INSPIRATION

I AIN’T INTO GUYS SAYING I WAS ****, I AM NOT GAY, YOU FUCKEN ****

I AM A STRAIGHT GUY, WHO IS A COOL GUY

CAN PLEASE SURGICALLY REMOVE, MY NUMSKULL MONGRELL KIDS OUT OF MY HEAD

ONLY CRAZY PEOPLE TREAT ME LIKE A LITTLE YEAH MATE YEAH KID

I KNOW I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT PUTTING MUSIC ONB YOUTUBE

I WAS DOING IT IN THE AID OF FUN

I WISH I CAN BE FAMOUS ON TELEVISION

I WISH I CAN GET THESE BOGUS VOICES OUT OF MY HEAD

YA SEE, I AM HEARING VOICES OF MYSELF IN THE EARLY 90s

WHEN I TIED MYSELF UP AND DREAMING THAT IS WHAT YOUNG DUDES DO

I TEASED DAD WITH THE KIDS, BUT I CAN TELL YA, I AM NOT ANYONE’S DADDY

IF I WANT TO STAY UP, I WILL ****** WELL STAY UP

I AM NOT YA FUCKEN DADDY, BUT, I JUST DON’T WANNA BE A HOOLIGAN ANYMORE

AND I HATE, BEING A YEAH MATE YEAH KID OR A KOOMARRI TO MUCK AROUND WITH

I FOUGHT DAD, CAUSE I HEARD A VOICE FROM HIM, SAYING

YOUR TOO SHY TO BE LIKE US, BRIAN, YOU ARE A KOOMARRI, BUT WE STILL LIKE YOU, BRIAN

AND THAT PROMPTED ME TO TEASE DAD, CAUSE, I THEN DIDN’T KNOW

WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS CRAZY PERSON’S VOICE

AND I VISIONED YOUNG DUDES GRABBING EACH OTHER AS IF TYING EACH OTHER UP

IS COOL KID, BEHAVIOUR, I HATE PEOPLE TRYING TO GIVE MY YOUTH BACK TO ME

I WANT MY YOUTH DEAD, CAUSE, I AM WORKING ON BREAKFAST CLUB WITH SUSIE AND MARCO

TO SEE HOW, I CAN PUT A SHOW TOGETHER

I DON’T WANT PATRICK TREATING ME LIKE HIS DADDY, I AM NOT HIS DADDY

IF I CAN’T SLEEP, I WILL STAY UP, IT’S HIS VOICE SAYING, I AM TOO WOOSEY FOR A COMPUTER NERD

BUT I AM NOT TOO WOOSEY FOR COMPUTERS

I AM NOT TOO WOOSEY FOR FAME AND FORTUNE EITHER

I AM A BETTER ARTIST, THAN THESE KIDS, CAUSE, ONLY CRAZY PEOPLE GET INTO PEOPLE’S HEADS

I SIT THERE DOING MY TAPESTRY, AND IF YA WANT TO SEE MY STUFF, UP CLOSE

VISIT BRIAN ALLAN’S FACEBOOK PAGE, WITH THE TAPESTRY AS THE PROFILE

AND READ MY MIND COOLY, SEE THE MANY ARTWORKS, I HAVE PUT ON IT

AND THE MANY YOUTUBE VIDS AND STORIES I POSTED

AND READ A FEW OF MY COMMENTS AS WELL

LEARN MY BUDDHIST

I AM JOHNNY GEORGIE BROWN ON HELLO WRITING, WRITER JOE, ON WRITERS CAFE

AND MY YOUTUBE SITES ARE AARON CLAYTON AND AAA YOUTUBE TV

I ALSO HAVE ART ON ART COLONY, UNDER BRIAN ALLAN

I DON’T LIKE MY OLD SCHOOL MATES ANYMORE, CAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WANTED ME TO BE FAMOUS

OK, I AM IMPROVING, WHAT IS WRONG WITH GETTING REFORMED

I DON’T WANT TO BE A LITTLE YOUNG DUDE OR A LITTLE YEAH MATE YEAH KID FOR LIFE

I REALLY WANT TO BE FAMOUS, IN EVERY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION

I DON’T KNOW WHY THESE ***** WANT TO MUCK WITH ME, LIKE THE USED TO MUCK WITH ME, FOR

I WANT TO BE FAMOUS, ON EVERYTHING I DO

I WANT TO FAMOUS FOR THE GOOD OF THE EARTH

TRAIN ME, DUDES

life is strange i'm dying(youare)and the world is
out my window are little boats
dots
boats
dots

toandfro dots
boat
dots

little and to and fro
dots
go whizzing very slowly
outside my window

i can
a glass perspiring
at my hip
does
the wind
cooly blusters
feel

and a flower
very like is
a girl cut dribble

which grasps the air climbing
into the heat of july

a star