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Ya wanna count bajillion sheep,
but tween gluteus maximus powerful
natural gas explosions during sleep
(*** suspected source) – courtesy missus
she served me lentil beans piled outsize heap

sinister been off fish shunt ploy
spouse I may no longer keep,
cuz dream house went up in flames
reduced to ashes smoldering (Uriah hit) heap
an feeble attempt made to extinguish courtesy

urination which suddenly found me awoke
moments ago groggily awakened out deep
slumber out requisite snooze,
cuz I bean dog tired exhausted fuel
driving one clunky body electric jeep

wee hours way after midnight night owl
in case ya give fig yore hot heave hoot
blasted tremendously nonstop
rendering air to smell foul
while my little chickadee evinced similar
disposition, she too did pepper her muttering

with expletives, and did growl
snarling evidenced yours truly espied scowl
unrepentant and threatened to apply dowel
well, I need not specify, "a" specific vowel
one cheeky spouse,
would find yours truly to howl

no pretty picture me bean
while slowly turning unnatural green,
henceforth rushed to emergency room
whereby team of alien specialists,
who casually did primp and preen

mistaking convincingly verdant colored
hue man as martian ready for Halloween,
and said practitioners loathe to intervene
reckoning yours truly -
with other worldly mien,

would conveniently scare bejesus
among any hooligan tween
ready and willing to cause mischief
while prowling for methamphetamine,
or other drug of choice

one motley crew member seen
dodging, evading, fording... police
eventually cornered unlike Steve McQueen
(the late actor), who escapes behind screen
of smoke unscathed unlike

formerly acquitted, alluded mean
and aforementioned hoodlum
who suffers gunshot wound
rushed to same hospital
lay disabled fugitive ruffian took lead
fired into buttucks bullet punctured

evident by derriere oozing bloodshed
as self, both us nearly dead,
asthma doppelganger wed
did in sweat upon abdomen,
now aching pain in *** spread red
hot poker radiating throbbing inside

excruciating did quickly thread
into noggin i.e. fifty shades red
dully permeated gray matter
inducing severe agony with head,
though mustered energy to scrawl

obituary envisioning said
on same page as op/ed
gallows humor sought instead
of relief courtesy synthesized drug,
thus laughter as best medicine

linkedin chowing down unsuspected bean
dish licked plate sparkling clean
mental note made to avoid
eating flatulence inducing food

prepared Das daring "frau" faux Queen,
though I certainly also enjoy keen
wah filling up growling hungry void,
and... appealing to this bonafide android
gluten free textured meals direction I lean.
Highland Manor Apartments
affords quick jaunt
veritable exotic getaway
scant miles away
Schwenksville establishment rooted
at least last half century

local tropical paradise beckons
passer(s)by to saunter
imbibe fragrant aroma,
espy splash of color on hillside
ease hilly draw painter with palette
photographer, musician, scrivener...

especially during dead of winter,
indoor botanical garden
bounteous, capacious, herbaceous...
topography exquisitely, heavenly,
incredibly... landscaped flora
to dazzle sense and sensibility,

inebriating, intoxicating, invigorating...
metaphorical cathartic ambrosia,
potent fragrant blend
wafting within englassed green acres
buzzfeeding, kickstarting, spellbinding
pollinating, germinating, birthing...

analogous natural stimulant,
holistic, magically therapeutic
without deleterious hallucinogenic,
nor harmful narcotic qualities,
also terrific soporific,
a soothing environment

to gravitate, meditate, ruminate...
healthy psychological restorative
hypothetical scenario to heal
mental, physical, and spiritual wounds
to strengthen body,
mind, and body triage

woke benumbed atavistic
primitive **** sapiens
nihilistic grim outlook (mine)
housing grim prognostication
foreboding bleak aggrievement
impossible submission toward
apocalyptic trend to escape.
This client (Matthew Scott)
availed himself at behest
of following counselor
who bares his chest
to Stephanie Dodds
(maid 'n USA name)

taught technique to minimize
ruffling feathers lest
the missus aggrieved
spending her nest
egg, thus self and missus

live destitute oppressed
as two basket of deplorables stressed
nearly every day envisioning
castles in air pipe dreams
when getting undressed

preparatory to dreams
within illusory shut eye
yours truly dons fancy vest
believe me you sold by Kanye West.

DEAR MAN skills
(feeble attempt more daunting
versus scaling Mount Everest)
embraced with zest
supported and blessedly underwritten
by loan granted from Univest

Bank ohm my dog to mitigate electric
resistance while no resistance
against kool psychological aid acid test,
whereby this husband espoused,
to help him recharge, (re:volt if necessary)...,
which endeavor now poetically expressed

concerning contentious gripe(s),
she would concur challenges we contest
beat within mine (possibly her) breast
unavoidable series of parallel events
disallows me to experience respite
as ye correctly guessed

impossible mission until
death do me part heavenly blessed,
meanwhile to maximize insight woke
involving DEAR MAN skills
with following example I attest
triggered food for thought

countless years gone by, no jest
which behavior even
eldest daughter did detest
specifically oft time ebt -
Electronic benefit transfer
i.e. food stamp money addressed

when wife spent lion's share
in one fell swoop, I did level best
to communicate while pride
hide hid ingest, wife acquiesced
yet without fail repeated offense
whereby mister diplomacy here

explained (with diminishing patience)
allocated funds sole comestible expense
then included four family members
issue got heated more emphatically
groused at my sidelined request
invariably spiking discourse

else... I threatened to divest
and stow card in wallet (mine),
yet invariably relinquished said item,
perhaps first will and testament bequest
if imposed, enforced, adhered...
would have nipped in bud

finding yours truly less obsessed,
nee furious every month
the vicious drama cycled
smoldering resentment did crest
into shouting tense match,
thus body electric lamely fleshed.
what else... his trademark blatherskite!

While sprawled comfortably
numb upon davenport
Iowa daily dose of poetic mishmash,
thus yours truly couches, kneads, sports...
his imponderable matted
swiftly styled balderdash
noah intent to kindle
potential ark enemy, nor abash

please pardon your
garden variety philologos,
preparing himself for backlash
he spouts nonsense words
with chutzpah and brash
his logorrhea affliction begets
meaningless rot i.e. namely ishkabibble,
where scapegoated test dummies crash

inscrutably, dumbly, busily blankly
boxing, blinking, batting... eyelash
hijacking, flouting, disregarding... covenant,
not causing corpus callosum damage
basically self made edict equals hogwash,
within one North American banana republic
predicated upon fiat gnash
trumpets blatantly non subliminal,

subordinate, subtle... ** hum
messages cuz bosh to liberty we smash
with most popular refrain
"send her/him back" cash
hearing purported dispensable
deportee with swash-
buck killing bravado
marquee, where klieg lights
blindingly broadcast in a flash.

"FAKE" mania loosed doth stall
refugees, where desperation witnesses
land of milk and honey,
perhaps some heading to Broomall,
who if necessary crawl
escaping forced *** trafficking poverty,
persecution, violence... downfall,
viz puppet government

tricked out noble (no bull) border wall
configured as demilitarized zone
hostilility spewing noxious,
poisonous, venomous gall
courtesy commander in chief
who essentially hoops to forestall
his impeachment proceedings
bristling, ranting, scathing... twitter feeds

spewing bosh raining hatred filled squall
spouting jingoistic rhetoric
atop anointed hall
of the mountain king
eerily similar to Taj Mahal
firing expletive epithets

assenting military mandating withdrawal
loosing vicious police and/or junkyard dogs
declaring no exemption against marshall
law innocence absolute zero guard
as sharp teeth nsync with flesh maul
cue hideous sinister laughter
welcome to danse macabre ball!
Alias indomitable invincible
Donald John Trump oozes wrath
inexorably plunging every species
of life toward apocalyptic warpath
mercilessly threatentens world
wide web promising bloodbath

validating ex post facto commander
in chief as nonpareil sociopath
hence... this call to arms gives run
for money challenging any psychopath
lest inevitable according to dead
reckoning prediction of
wisest sages calculated math.

Thus one poetic footsoldier doth broadcast
dire straits emergency, and inveigh
grassroots action mandatory meaning
registered voters must
cast ballot per se
else planet Earth will...
burn thermonuclear gray

rendering oblate spheroid
uninhabitable, I daresay
if bleak forecast father time doth delay
global warming would outweigh
former worst case nihilistic scenario,
nonetheless Gaia will serve

as repurposed ashtray,
whereby inextinguishable fiery storms
approximating calculus of doomsday
nsync with intolerable weather forecasts
if complacency rides roughshod field day
defying lack of immunization oy vey
against opportunistic unfamiliar organisms

viral and bacterial agent provocateurs
microscopic gangbusters
nothing could allay
winning scrimmage play
thinning overpopulation whereby
scavengers make short shrift
plethora once living flotsam and jetsam
perhaps requiring rotting, putrefying,
goods put on layaway

(type of foragers -

now ye might hashtag me chicken little
synonymous to Rome burning,
while Nero did fiddle,
perhaps scaremonger i.e. Cassandra
alamist bah bing away, a realist foaming
at figurative mouth with spittle,
would you believe cautious optimist,
who presents prediction,
while this poem heed whittle.
Despite brisk temperatures today lo
mein October fifth
two thousand nineteen y'know,
where exhalation generates
puff 'o air to flow
after taking analogous

drag on fiery cigarette slow -
Autumn weather
brought coveted respite
to torpid hazy, hot, humid conditions
just... like... a mere
four days ago,

ye best not be wary nay -
and put figurative guard down no
including y'all fellow Earthlings -
don't get smug
though morning hath bro
kin quite chilly, ah refreshing

moost definitely worth crow
wing about, I supp prose
"FAKE" king poe
wit like... yours
truly haps tubby up pro
believe me you,

suffocating heat did slow
ability to conjure e'en feeble attempt
to craft higglety pigglety
measly, satisfactory flow
'o words - yea right haint
gonna get no dough

tis exhilarating regarding average Joe
cur biden his time at least
till 20/20 election - whoa
thirteen months from now
hoop fully trumpeting bozo
will be defeated, cuz he ain't

dune planet earth any good
actually his dynastic aspirations
undermine biological cargo,
and affect mooch mo'
harm as he blithely axes
environmental protections with his so

so who cares attitude
will inevitably spell grow
task compromising future
courtesy boomerang yoyo
effect told me by dodo
bird chimney sweeper sallow

faced ****** resembling Frodo
overwhelmed with
deplorable wretched status quo
hither and yon to and fro
he doth frantically go
across terrestrial firmament, in toto

sacrilegious, malicious, egregious...
abominable primate shady hue
man oh man now tis time I cue
somber tune from oboe
entirely constructed and linkedin

with a little help courtesy lego
set now at poe wits end
this soon tubby extinct bonobo
doth bid thee adieu.
Wɜrdz spɛld kəˈrɛkt ˈvɜrsəs fəˈnɛtɪkˈspɛlɪŋ

alternately titled fun with phonics
ˈɔltərnətli ˈtaɪtəld fʌn wɪð ˈfɑnɪks
analogous when like first learning how to spell American English words

Əˈnæləgəs wɛn laɪk fɜrst ˈlɜrnɪŋ haʊ tu spɛl əˈmɛrəkən ˈɪŋglɪʃ wɜrdz

I thought to feign not knowing how to spell American English words

Aɪ θɔt tu feɪn nɑt ˈnoʊɪŋ haʊ tu spɛl əˈmɛrəkən ˈɪŋglɪʃ wɜrdz

and quickly realized the daunting task,

Ænd ˈkwɪkli ˈriəˌlaɪzd ðə ˈdɔntɪŋ tæsk,

thus sought magnanimity, gratuity, courtesy...
Google search (phonetic transcription of words) to assist me

Ðʌs sɔt magnanimity, grəˈtuɪti, ˈkɜrtəsi..
ˈgugəl sɜrʧ (fəˈnɛtɪk ˌtrænˈskrɪpʃən ʌv wɜrdz) tu əˈsɪst mi

Words spelled correct versus phonetic spelling
(the latter appended after poem concludes).

Thus now begins feeble attempt
to render rhyme for no reason
appended with phonetic translation
mainly as playful tease zen
synonymous imagining teaching
said exercise to eager children

reminding readers that young
and restless with spotty attention
hear spoken word while in utero,
post natal, subsequently when
he/she parrots parent(s) and/or

guardian, a more deliberate yen
arises to acquire greater cognition,
intuition, question (quest ja hen)
quickly devolving into faux ken
barbed riotous laughter analogous
trying wits of patient comedian/

comedienne resorting quite often
to repetition, remonstration,
reiteration... which frustration
might necessitate taking ten,
or so minutes of intermission
mindful mentor praises pen

ultimate verbal adroit ability
earning healthy treat for recitation,
perhaps recipient exceptionally
eager to advance passing golden
milestone able, ready, and will ***
to tackle writing correct spelling,

whence learning to hold pen(cil)
(without being vain) begin men
till process, which next step den
allows, enables and provides sen
sit heave hands on guidance

helping preschooler - all liven
and well with enthusiasm clutch
writing implement fingers open
before gently grasping above ren
during kudos with an amen.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

wɜrdz spɛld kəˈrɛkt ˈvɜrsəs fəˈnɛtɪk ˈspɛlɪŋ

Ðʌs naʊ bɪˈgɪnz ˈfibəl əˈtɛmpt
tu ˈrɛndər raɪm fɔr noʊ ˈrizən
əˈpɛndɪd wɪð fəˈnɛtɪk trænˈzleɪʃən
ˈmeɪnli æz ˈpleɪfəl tiz zɛn
səˈnɑnəməs ɪˈmæʤənɪŋ ˈtiʧɪŋ
sɛd ˈɛksərˌsaɪz tu ˈigər ˈʧɪldrən

riˈmaɪndɪŋ ˈridərz ðæt jʌŋ
ænd ˈrɛstləs wɪð ˈspɑti əˈtɛnʃən
hir ˈspoʊkən wɜrd waɪl ɪn ˈjutəroʊ,

poʊst ˈneɪtəl, ˈsʌbsəkwəntli wɛn
hi/ʃi ˈpɛrəts ˈpɛrənt(ɛs) ænd/ɔr
ˈgɑrdiən, ə mɔr dɪˈlɪb(ə)rət jɛn
əˈraɪzəz tu əˈkwaɪər ˈgreɪtər kɑgˈnɪʃən,
ˌɪntuˈɪʃən, ˈkwɛsʧən (kwɛst jɑ hɛn)

ˈkwɪkli dɪˈvɑlvɪŋ ˈɪntu fɔks kɛn
bɑrbd ˈraɪətəs ˈlæftər əˈnæləgəs
ˈtraɪɪŋ wɪts ʌv ˈpeɪʃənt kəˈmidiən/
kəˌmidiˈɛn rɪˈzɔrtɪŋ kwaɪt ˈɔfən
tu ˌrɛpəˈtɪʃən, remonstration,
riˌɪtəˈreɪʃən... wɪʧ frəˈstreɪʃən

maɪt nəˈsɛsəˌteɪt ˈteɪkɪŋ tɛn,
ɔr soʊ ˈmɪnəts ʌv ˌɪntərˈmɪʃən
ˈmaɪndfəl ˈmɛnˌtɔr ˈpreɪzəz pɛn
ˈʌltəmət ˈvɜrbəl əˈdrɔɪt əˈbɪləti
ˈɜrnɪŋ ˈhɛlθi trit fɔr ˌrɛsəˈteɪʃən,
pərˈhæps rəˈsɪpiənt ɪkˈsɛpʃənəli

ˈigər tu ədˈvæns ˈpæsɪŋ ˈgoʊldən
ˈmaɪlˌstoʊn ˈeɪbəl, ˈrɛdi, ænd wɪl lɛn
tu ˈtækəl ˈraɪtɪŋ kəˈrɛkt ˈspɛlɪŋ,
wɛns ˈlɜrnɪŋ tu hoʊld pɛn(cil)
(wɪˈθaʊt ˈbiɪŋ veɪn) bɪˈgɪn mɛn
tɪl ˈprɑˌsɛs, wɪʧ nɛkst stɛp dɛn
əˈlaʊz, ɛˈneɪbəlz ænd prəˈvaɪdz sɛn

sɪt *** hændz ɑn ˈgaɪdəns
ˈhɛlpɪŋ ˈpriˌskulər - ɔl ˈlaɪvən
ænd wɛl wɪð ɪnˈθuziˌæzəm klʌʧ
ˈraɪtɪŋ ˈɪmpləmənt ˈfɪŋgərz ˈoʊpən
bɪˈfɔr ˈʤɛntli ˈgræspɪŋ əˈbʌv rɛn
ˈdʊrɪŋ ˈkudoʊs wɪð ən eɪˈmɛn.
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