i have lost all faculty
words do not say as much
as warmth could never be enough
in the cold weather
all i want is to see your face again
under the covers
all i want is to be surrounded
by your presence
and to feel as much
as i can hold

and we could be strangers again
so i could watch it all unfold

the taste of coffee liquor
mixed with the scent of you
caramel tainted lips
and musky cream-filled notes
left without a word
constantly on the edge
of wanting
the stark contrast
with bitter nicotine
and you
deciphering

the rain washes over
our bodies anew
we are clean

Far off and stretched out from my seat
You and I meet at the corner
Just to waste the time

Far away and longing
The warmth from the LED lights
Blends in with the glare from your eyes

Liquid dissolves into all this time
Lines never seem to meet
your eyes never stop to wander

Stray away from me
Standing across the line
Come away
Away from sight

wanting to hold you close
as i listen to your stereo
making ideas with your brilliant head

i made a pact with your hand
to never send a word
less than you deserve

feeling so close
yet so unaware
too eager to find you

I see the glimmer of your eyes
when the sky dissolves into dark
behind the dashboard and
playing games to pass the time
I see your thick-rimmed frames
square and unrelenting
a smile that invites mine
underneath the layers

I see the dark dissolve into light
as I unfold in my own room
I dream of dreams
without trying to sleep
my mind has mapped you
into this reality where
I want to stay awake

I see the night dissolve
I see the glimmer behind your eyes

In the morning, we meet again.

I tried crying for days without blinking
I had to sleep again
I tried screaming for help
but all I had left was this body
No voice, no soul, nor dream
Just alive in a nightmare.

I tried thinking of an escape without screaming
I tried to pretend I was alive
I moved away and told you to stop
You pretend you didn’t hear
And said “I only needed this now”

I tried moving my limbs
but I couldn’t pretend
I was alive
Inside we both knew
I was already dead.

Some days I like to pretend other things matter
most of the time my days go unnoticed
and I only exist as a pulled apart doll

I pretend you were never here
I slept as I had slept
before my arms knew what tugging felt like
before my head had met your pillow
there was a time before
your eyes had not glanced at me
for a while
there I was never knowing
what love had meant for me

When I think of love, I see The Ruins. It is you at your worst state and yet I still held your hand. It is seeing eyes turn into darkness that I thought I could hold and breathe into. It is feeding your coldness and bitterness with the warmth of a smile and a touch. To love you was to see you in ruins. It is laughing at the most unhappy moments. It is in smiling to get through the day. To not see your face the way I thought I had memorized in my brain. To not see you in dreams and only see you in nightmares. To look at synthetic leather and be reminded of your violence. To smell the scent of car perfume and be reminded of suffocating. To finally wake up and see your eyes the way they always saw mine and the way you held them without knowing who I am. To feel the thin hair on your head as I graze through it with my fingertips. To have you lie beneath my shoulder or against my chest, knowing what it cost me and what it meant to you. To see your most vulnerable spots and know where it hid without looking. To feel the weight of your arm as it lazily naps on me while I am struggling to find the warmth of a blanket. To discard your words and believe my own. To deny myself the right to my own body as you pushed me and have to explain that it hurt. To believe in your heart despite seeing it all. To see the highlights of your face against the sun and watch it dissolve when its dark and the room is empty. To never see you again. And still, to know that I have loved. To love is to see yourself in ruins and still accept it as if it had ever been anything close to love.

i relished in the waiting
a hand on a hand
a voice whispered to lips
a lie revealed itself
i stayed in the moment
before waking up at dusk
before the light surrounded me
when your voice lingered
on my mind until dawn
i have seen this play along
all in my dreams
where you stood
and bended over backwards
and broke your words
the sanctuary of your soul
the smell of the familiar
i relished in the comfort
a hand on a hand
a body on a body
a warmth on warmth
the water engulfed itself
where you hid
with a head dive
to reach the surface of desire
nothing keeps me up at night
other than word is finally out

in the end, all i saw in your eyes was silence
a darkness i have never seen before
the place where i looked for comfort
where i held your wandering hand

it was in your eyes i found
the crippling silence
it was your hiding behind blinds
and making up your mind about me
to string me along your lies
with hands that never held me the right way

the silence you can't ignore anymore
the brokenness of being home
to someone who was never there
the silence you must face alone
when you are nothing but frailty
the silence that is trembling with fear 
when there are no words left
when the sound of my soul
a silence that wakes up
holds itself whole again

i wake up at noon
and see you fly past
the moonlight as it glares
down at me for dreaming
what i'm dreaming
some of the time
i wake up at the south end
where the perfect storms
have taken course
and see you fly through it
like a breeze
i wake up to you
saying my name
as if it means something more
but i don't believe it
the voice never leaves your lips
i find it hard to wake up
every so often
for the same reasons
i begin again
the way it always ends
when the moonlight glares at me
telling me to slow down
i wake up at midnight
to the same world
that ended for me
yesterday morning

Feeling after feeling
After waiting
For another hour to pass
For another feeling to pass
The waves never reach
The shore never kisses
This moment
Never endures
The lonesome
Writes itself a letter
Off the line
Another cliff
To overcome

Where you go when you disappear
Tell me how long you've been there
All along you're awake in a dream
Things aren't what they seem

Tell me where do you go
When you disappear
Tell me to wake up
This is all a dream

Where you go when you disappear
Tell me who takes you there
Where you're far away
Living at sea

Is it a dream we're living in
To me you were real
Tell me things aren't what they seem
I envy the sea
That takes you

Tell me to wake up
If you aren't what you seem
If this isn't just a dream
Tell me what's real

Where you go when you disappear
I wouldn't know
Tell me who takes you there
Tell me I've been lied to
Who's with you
Where you want to go

You can be far away from me
To make me feel like you aren't there
You can feel so near like the light of day
It wouldn't change a thing for me

I could love you until the sun fades
Or when the earth loses its way around
I could lead you toward the center of this gravity
Where everything goes down
Where ships have fallen
Where men have died in ruins
To tell us how we found our way to each other
Even then it wouldn't change a thing

It could be everything we need
If you and I could have it all
It wouldn't matter anymore after all
All that I wanted was you
I wouldn't change a thing

I lay half awake under the sun
With my hand reaching for the phone
As I wait for a moment
Wondering where you are

I am waiting for your call
Every minute, my hand reaches for you
But you are not here
You exist only as a memory

Long hours blur into days
I am searching for a way to you
You are never there
You are only here in my mind

The feeling lingers as I finally wake up
My dreams of you and I
Melting into nothing
I only hold on to this longing
The loneliness of your presence
To be in love with you

I can hear you over the humming of the engine
and the shrill of your laugh consumes me
My days end with fears welling in my eyes
But something within you feels right

Darlings and lullabies are in my head
They aren't for anyone but you
The words never leave my lips
I want to say things will be alright
But it's late
The moment has passed
before we say good night

Some days I want to come home with you
But I never want to go home
when I'm with you

I'm always waiting for the day
But it's past midnight
And we say good bye
I go home without you
I wake up and you're nowhere in sight

You have a certain magnetism
I can't define it
I see your north and it's pointing
at my direction

I have never been this close to
falling in and out of love
within days
my heart is a stranger

I write songs to lull me to sleep
I envy the words that keep me sane
Hearing your heart beating to my voice
was all I wanted
not until yesterday

I have never been this close to you
not until yesterday you are all I want
I have never been this close to
falling in and out of love
within days

my heart is a stranger
my head is in a daze
it's raining while you're away
it's raining every day

How can I miss you but I haven't met you yet
I miss you
But I haven't met you yet

I've seen your eyes through glass lenses
I want to reach you but you're away
Gone for hours, I could hear it all dissolve
Into your world
But I haven't met you yet

You said your best wishes
I can feel your desire
I can only pretend to hold you
as if you're nearby
But I haven't met you yet
So I say my goodbyes

I miss you
as if you're away
I miss the feeling of wanting to stay

We aren't,
after all,
objects
you fit into
the shape of your
wants and needs or
whatever kind of life
you lead us
and you turn me
like a marvel
like a caveman
discovering
this light
and then you switch

I am not the type
I am not the end of the game
I am not the comfort

You seek.

My dear old friend
who wants to come home
to find new old things
to come home to

You will find that home is within you

When you need a hand,
a warmth,
an embrace,
the dusk will settle in on us
we will find
comfort,
loving,
kindness,
and we will find
there will be no need
to come
find each other

The dust settles as I lay
my head
on the pillow
I remember
and tomorrow
I forget.

Sullen eyes that seek comfort
after a bout of worrying
and churning stomachs
days on end without medicine
supplies are only for the few

They come and go
while the man behind the table
waits for a minute to rest
coming home without sleep
pushing the old wheel of life

The vulnerable and disconcerted
may rest on their arched backs
hanging on to nothing
but spare change to their names

The mortal life only seeks to be saved

Someday we will get up from this mess
of stirred blankets and soiled laundry
living on piles of boxes and untouched documents
old unworn garments hanging on the curtain rod

The stench of manure and the old man’s unkept
bags carried over last night’s binge and false beliefs
with evidence of old computer notes
to pretend he’s making money
will someday be a memory

Baking tools and sundresses
will finally make it on today’s to do lists
black circles will not be hidden because
we were not made to be pulled apart like dolls

When the time comes
birds and the sound of leaves falling,
the loud bang of the overripe fruit atop
our heads echoing through the roof
like the sound of nature telling us

We are not frail for walking
on steel bridges bare foot
waiting for rain to fall
like dancing

Strongly the grip of the earth
and winds churning about this house
led us to these sights we cannot ignore
to leave this place
to start new maps with bare hands

If I was a child today
I'd be crying on scraped knees
with blood spilt on the floor
and tears won't cost as much
But every time I fall
I'd know better

If I was a girl to chase
All the boys would do right by me
and say pretty things
makes life a little easier
I'm a breather
and they're sold

If I was a woman to keep
All the men would hold me
dear and respect me
Walk with me until we reach
the highs and lows of
every corner of my mind
and inch closer to my dreams
as I breathe in, pulling in
seeing soul to soul

If I was a game to play
They'd sit idly by
Find any reason to escape
as they're done
toying with me
and all these emotions
I made up in my head.

I love the moon
and the way it speaks to you
I don't have to utter a sound
Because it speaks to me and you

The mess we're hiding tonight
The rest is history
Let's be me and you, shining bright
Sweet melancholy

I love the moon
and the way it speaks to me
And you don't have to utter a sound
Subtle smiles speak to me and you
The mess we're hiding tonight

Good night,
I will wake up the next morning
with moons under my eyes
coffee stained teeth
from another round
of climbing piles
of untouched books
or waiting
for the game to end
you play around with time
i only see the music
between you and me
you sitting across my lap
when we could have travelled together
i turn to see your face
your eyes lost
a hundred faces away
it is the last thing i remember.

Today I fell
and met a stranger
sitting across the room
he is sipping black coffee
as he meets my gaze

I read my book
in pretense, still
he is holding back
behind his dark rimmed glasses

We look up
and see the other
stealing glimpses
and a hint of a smile
We are
lighting up the room

You wake up from a nap
I am halfway across
finding another shelf
to hide
my thoughts
of you and I–
a fantasy

I wake up
and you are sleeping again.

oftentimes i find myself
stepping on stones
and i am where i never meant to go

with most of my days
driving by me
all that i am leads to
where i want to be

i am more convinced
all of my days
they don't come along for nothing
and i feel like existing
for the first time
in this reality

Your love
my love
never meeting
again
too late
out of rhythm
just two beings
syncopated
we are running
in alternate
missing our chance
and a beating
finally past
the discordant
he fell silent
resting
this time
on my eyelid
we hide tonight–
the universe
allows this
end

to be as fleeting as moments
it was what we always wanted
but we are fools
to assign our fate on things
as fragile as feelings

to be as fleeting as chances
taken out from time
unfolding
every second
it was all we ever spoke of

but we were fools
to assign our decisions
on things and ideas
as volatile as alcohol
as shallow as sea shores
and youth led us
to believe

I've been awake past four
No longer in a state of melodrama
When words are no longer weapons
And time is not your friend
We passed by each other tonight
You made a joke about bringing me home
It's funny how you forget so easily
Tell my friends and i to come over
Like nothing happened
It's funny how you made me fall
Apart from what was real
And what was a joke
All the words you took
Just to rip me apart
It's funny how you forget
How you made me feel
Tell my friends and i to come over
Like nothing happened
Maybe you are more miserable than me
And you are as lonely as you try not to be

the boy behind the screen
he sends you words in advance
"i will never leave you"

he says i will write you a story
or a poem or a promise
whatever you need to hear

mail arrives in the morning
never the one to hesitate
"you are the one i call home"

he arrives two years later
in his eyes, tears and disgust
"i hope you know by now"
words are only words
we should never trust

he leaves you hanging
on the same story
or poem or promise
or disguise

you only hear the ringing
at the other end
the boy who promised to stay behind
he was just a boy
at the end of the line
who made you want to die
another mistake to waste your time

he is still just a boy
not even a man
not brave enough to look behind

we are inconsistencies
both hope and despair
as we exist only to die.

Something in the universe
pulled me to hold your hand but
maybe in another timeline.

I said did you ever get anything from me
Just to say it wasn’t a waste of time
You said I was everything you needed to be
Exactly what you needed at the time

The right love at the wrong time
That’s what they called it
We were nothing more, nothing less
We are never looking back on
The right love at the wrong time
We were always better off as friends

We’re hollowed out underneath
Pretending to understand each side
I said did you get all you wanted from me
When you decided to leave it all behind

The right love at the wrong time
That’s what they called it
We were nothing more, nothing less
We are never looking back on
The right love at the wrong time
We were always better off as friends

You said maybe you should hate me
But I was tired of the blaming game
I wish I didn’t have to own up to mistakes
You’d never realize the same

In the end, it’s just a story
I try to make sense of in my head
In the end, the past is just a story
We try our best to comprehend

I was writing a song for the flowers
withering on top of the computer table
but like all things in nature,
the petals changed
into something grey and pure.
They die beautifully,
unlike us.
When we wither,
we do not fold into ourselves;
we do not look up to the sky,
but only avoid the light,
fold within our comforts
to hide and embrace the dark.
And so when love withers,
we let it die.
We are just human
after all.

falling asleep in the morning
i woke up at night
with the moon hovering
over my coffee
but it was just the light
the shining down
on me like a voice saying,
you cannot bury yourself
in the gloom
of the night
and the moon
it does not shine
just half its light
and the moon
will never be as bright
as when lovers and dreamers
first found the night.

failing to see my mistakes
is holding you against my back
we are memoirs with curved edges
we are hollow when we speak

my reflection is clear
and concise with words i dread
like the afternoon
we forgot how to hold each other
we were broken pieces
in jars of clay
ready to unfold
our unkept promises
to be broken down again

i have not thought of loving
for weeks i run passed
my days
an endless train
of emotionless
tattered thoughts

i am ready
to be filled again
and down goes my desires

i am more than seeking the feeling
of having a hand to hold
reaching for somebody close,
or pass the time with
another entity, another soul
to play disguise with

i am at the gates
and i am holding them open
with my cold, bare hands.

stay safe and hidden
in my arms you’ve built a dream
when the cold is too much
i'm another breath for you
the warmth never runs out

fingers trailing on hips
poking surfaces with fingertips
smudged lipstick on pale cheeks
rumaging through strands of hair

i pick at thoughts through eyes
and they are too honest
forgive me for wanting too much
when you were all that i wanted

freedom to feel
within embraces
regain pureness
real and revealed

just another wave
just another scare
under the willow tree
shivering to your name
looking for those arms
in the warmth of the day
everything was taken away
as fast as the pouring rain
not a minute too soon
not another word was spoken
roaring and tearing like the broken
impossible winds and dreams and water
shattered like the storms’ passing
every drop, every pour was unending

do you remember
blank sheets in between our souls
while bodies meet behind closed doors
coffee stains in my eyes
the pain of losing the light

do you remember
listening to the music of my words
read out from my mind
as if you were inside
contained in my memory
painted in oil pastel
while you spilled water all over
the canvas of a summer night

do you remember
walking into a forest and getting lost
like children in a playground
and leaving trails for one another
while building a constellation
galaxies away from each other

we lifted each other up
until we stopped
we forgot how to be alone
do you remember me at all

I
trembling fingers write
with every emotion 
lied to myself again tonight
not another day to waste
meanings start to blur
in the in-betweens 
of music heard with me
now musings for another

now is this the most fun
you had in your life
wasted youth, everyday
nooses and strings
nothing gets through you

-
nothing else matters
like another lie you tell yourself
tonight, like every night
you drown yourself in hate
you drown, you are never found 
you drown yourself in hate

II
now isn't it the most fun
you had two weeks in
stomping on the ground
on which i have weeded out
all the mistakes myself
to blame you 
marching on the love i had
i found with you

every word is a mistake
every chance is a let down to myself
every memory is unforgiving
eat your words and spit out new mistakes
you drown yourself in hate

-
nothing else matters
like another lie you tell yourself
tonight, like every night
you drown yourself in hate
you drown, you are never found 
you drown yourself in hate

III
try and fix yourself
set yourself apart from the world
did you find what you were looking for?
did you gain the world instead?
you live with all but no regrets
but in the end, you see the truth

you are what you hate in yourself
you drown yourself in hate
in lies, in guilt you drown
you are all that i hated in me
you were all that i loved

-
nothing else matters
like another lie you tell yourself
tonight, like every night
you drown yourself in hate
you drown, you are never found 
you drown yourself in hate
you drown yourself in hate

today i’ll wake up and see the sun
set apart my soul from what was
the ghost you left with me
you drown, you are never found
you drown yourself in hate
you drown yourself in hate

This is a cry of a person dissatisfied
the faint feeling of a blank stare stating:

Here I look upon the world,
to which I am dreadfully attached
I regret to love it so much
as I cling on harshly, gaping;
it is full of distaste and resentment.
I tried to see everything in it,
I have lived and saw life without grace
and sin devours envy controls hate
and men die holding their pride
and selfishness corrupted the soul.

It is without a doubt that I -
who swore to be free of the earth
withheld of freedom and deemed memory
a clean slate again.

when i am craving
something to keep my mind off
you are always
in my space

when i am craving
nightmares instead
of waking up at all
you are always
in my eyes

tears fail to come
keep me company
these storms are every day
counting on me
when i am craving you

when i am craving
careless to say
anything
for myself
i forget for a while
how to feel at all

when i am craving
being alone again
i am carrying
the weight of you

i thought the sky cleared
out from my eyes
monsoons still passing by
under different roofs

did i omit to say
i dreamt of you?

the
gravity
of the
Earth
          is
              pulling
        me
closer
            to you
            now
you are
              the
                    ground
on which
I feel
           I am human.

Tinted lips
cat eye frames
peached cheeks
eye candy
calling me
coming over
and crying through
hues glistening
on my screen
are you listening?
coffee mouth
on my skin
is this blush enough
to hide the train of thought
smiles arriving too late
and we see face to face
new sinking streams
with you leading
to my dreams
droplets of liquor
wise demeanor
I can count all day
new twitching lights
returning the feeling
watching over me
fading stains
of blood and rain

we were born
       empty
vessels to be filled with
longing for
                    purpose
only to be
                    the used
versions of ourselves
living to
               pursue living
                        denying
to pursue
dying

consumed by all
      desire
lay across
    my
        paths discretely
****** by constant
        wants
to change
how the world views
      me
sun comes a
           new day!

the body becomes
empty slate
           begins  
                  sliding
swinging
            by again!

Nightingale reappears
forwards
       my emotion
primal
to contain
       vessels open
by
        unused
                       space
and parts
to fill the
                     whole.

we are designed
escape the Torment
souls (have faces too)
ashes endowed
roots to
                uncloud
the human mind
            free
begins
in deep pikes
                       Breaking
the ground.

we,
       to You
                   resound
Consciousness
vile disguise!
       freeing
vessels no more.

I could write you a letter every day
Instead I filled every May with letters of the alphabet:
A time came for passing through road side inns and
Beaches where you stroked every grain of sand from the
Corners of my face I hid my smiles ensewn on your
Designs to play with my hair stained with sweat and
Every sweet word and edge of your books cutting through my
Faint heart for friends that needed fixing
Grunge rock, emo punk screaming through lungs
Halting for a beat on your eardrum
Inconsistent dates, intolerant of my sarcasm because you are
Jokes made on table tops, bingeing on laughter until I threw up,
Keeping score of words, broken promises and mistakes,
Looking at everything wrong with staying but
Maintaining the balance of a smile and ugly crying at night,
Nicotine in every breath I am consumed in
On top of you on a bench or a bedside table we were
Poetry half-baked excuses so I don't
Question everything we risked to stay, stay alive
Remembering long walks and feeling infinite and the
Same soulmate-seeking sentiment,
Temerity served with every glass of alcohol and
Understanding why you woke up just to fall out of love with
Vicious cycles you can't keep up with getting tired of me but
Who knew things transpired to make way for
Exes and hoes to keep up the act of all the temporary.
Your happiness is above mine but yesterday, remember
Zigzag lines and lies never to coincide
Daydreams and delusional memories
to be replaced with
watching me see who you really are for the first time
as you look through someone else's eyes and feed
her temporary smiles that fill the void
Making it out to a vision of me you can't replace
the taste, the touch, the haste to forget
Like counting backwards and shapeshifting.
Three words that will never mean anything.
Two anxiety attacks per week.
Once we were real and pure
but pitch black and we are back to
Zero.

yesterday i found out
you flew away with the wind,
just to see if you could
then you swam all the way into
those almonds that grew with the liquid of my eyes
we found solace in the sleep
that made you into your purest form
there’s no hiding, no lies, nor crying
but i am praying without a word for
the every next breath
though so far all i know is
i am just another silhouette.

The caffeine in your head
will make you drop dead.
Timelines in the eyes of the
mind mapped by lies and despise.

Graveyard’s shift for your honey
make way for the tiny memory
in your casket
it’s a hole dug for you.

Muses of the foolish that once roamed
they lived and once owned
every shape and shadow
waving goodbyes and hellos.

Music plays on while they snore
louder than the machine
making time stop and start
at the life of the pitiful
monsters flooding melodies,
conquering dreams,
crying throughout
the phantom of disguise.

The bared and concealed lie
across each other
finding peace among
wars of the genuine
soldiers fly around the clouds
rivers flow by you
when you don’t need them
(don’t presume)

defined by nebulous thoughts of feeling the smoothness of the epidermis and sliding along hormones the rush of blood fuels every move and we travel to your dreams fastened by the grip of hands intertwined into the meaning of it all is it better to fly or slowly drift into the night is it right because we both know we started with a “hello, you look like you know me” and when we smile look away, lock the door, before you changed your mind it’s faster than a minute but heavier than an embrace you wouldn’t know the difference until we’re face to face don’t worry we’re fine don’t worry about the closing your eyes and meeting your desire against mine it won’t be soon but bringing control i see you as you taste the very thing we lack of the sweetness of a word dropped to my ear but wait it’s not wanting too much it’s just a kiss after all