Why do I even try.
Every time it ends worse than the last. Every time I feel more dejected and broken than before.
Every time the cracks get deeper.

I try so hard you know.
Whenever you feel down I'm there for you like a shadow.
I hold my arms out to you like a hospital, waiting to take you in.
Yet you break me down.
You shun me so harshly like ****** to the Jews.
You treat me like a child's toy, and only play with me when you want to.
Is this what I am to you.
Is my love so insignificant that I am only a fly.
A pest so easily pummeled and smashed to the floor.

Is this love?
A emotion so strongly bonded with hate.
Placed so highly that when your beaten body falls,
you don't even feel yourself hit the ground.

You let yourself unravel every word of each piece of your composition, willingly, beggingly. He raps his fingers down each crescent fall of your vertebra, and every time you look at him, hes a different expression of what you imagined loving, when you were little and brave. His eyes are the color that you saw one time, on acid, when you were fifteen, that you always told your friends about but even you didn't believe after a while. He can pierce you, with anything. With small kisses that float under your eye lids, with a handful of seaweed stuck between his teeth, with the sound of nothing leaving his porcelain lungs. You feel him in this world, you felt him before you knew him. You felt him in your city, you felt him at your door, you felt his electricity shut your mouth and slide down your throat and make love to all the stupid things you were going to say.
      You beckoned him, a long time ago. While other lovers taught you what to hate. When you wished into your stuffed bears, into the leaves in the gutter, into tiny shirt, into bags of wine, into the abyss of a muddy lagoon. In your prayers of becoming a witch, into your prayers of not dying today.
    When he first took your hand, did it almost fall off. Did you forget all the things you hated. Did you watch yourself run into a fairy colored sunset leveraged by all you've let go of. As you begin to tangle your bodies, you begin to remember him. From along time ago, in the snow or in the desert. One time when you and him were kings and queens of a time and a place no body cared no body cared about...
    He asks to speak to the young lady that breaks in you, he braids her hair in round plaited knots. He asks to speak to the child that cries in you, he washes her feet with mud and feeds her handfuls of persimmons.
    His mouth shapes around the curve of your tiny shoulders. He tastes the salt of the ocean from behind your ears. He mixes his hair with your until you imagine what your babies eyes will look like, He smells like the earth under a sweat lodge, like the mud soaked in a mans fight for freedom, fight for love..
     You hold his hand, as he holds you, and you begin to sway slowly, drunkenly into a tender cave that
      cast shadows of the reckless before, a floor covered in peddles of the most beautiful flowers that have ever been.

Nightmares. I hate them.
They keep me awake,
They torture me.
They won’t let me wake up.

“Sleep! Sleep!” they say.
“Stay awake! Watch out!” they taunt.
                  So tired….

I’m falling…it’s so dark.
I grasp air, scramble for a hold.
                               I find it!

I scrape my hands and hit my leg
The jolt and the pain wakes me again.
I can’t sleep.
It’s not safe in the dark
Ah! I can’t stand the light
Nightmares…******! I hate them!

My dearest, yes, that’s it.
My darling!
My love, he keeps me safe.
He’ll talk to me; comfort!
No, he’s sleeping.
I cannot bother him.

Sleep.
Nightmares.
Falling….
                              ­          No!

My love…yes, there it is.
He’s so warm, I can feel it now.
Mmm, my darling;
he will not let me fall.
He will always hold on
Despite myself, despite my temper
Despite my rants, despite my antics.
Through all the…the…
Anger!
Frustration!
Overexcitement and
Fear!
Distress and worry!
Paranoia!
**** those nightmares!


I can’t help it.
I’m sorry.
I just….
So much feeling.
I get…
Jumbled.
I get…
Mixed up?
I don’t know

He helps me.
Holds me.
Loves me, even.
                                              How?

I cry and scream,
I back away,
He follows.
I’m sorry.
I just get so jumbled.
He holds me.
I’m so tired…

Sleep, oh sleep….

I close my eyes
And I’m falling.
It’s so dark, hands are grabbing for me.
The light, I want to find it
But I can’t! I’m being
                                                      Chase­d.

******!

Nightmares, I hate them!
Why can’t they be quiet, go away…
SHUT UP!
LEAVE ME ALONE!

I’m so tired
I just
I Get so
Jumbled.

Up and Up and Up
And I can’t stop
I’ll fall.
                                                           The light, why is it so bright?
Nightmares, voices, people, monsters
Get away all of you!

No,
Not you.
I need you, don’t go
Please.
I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean it.

It’s the nightmares
I feel like I’m falling,
Like I’m being chased
These things, they’re everywhere,
And the light, it’s too bright
And I get so jumbled
I can’t help it.
                                                             ­               I’m so tired.

“Sleep! Sleep!”
“Stay awake! Watch out!”
Will the taunting ever end?

Darling…wake up….
I can’t wake up.
I’m being chased
I can’t stop, or else
                                                            ­                                                  I’ll fall.

when I see the colors you carefully speak
your tongue to ink to paper to screen
to my eyes
to my heart, which knows
begging to be let out ( i caged it long ago)
running sharp nails along the dark
side of my ribs, i beg for mercy

heat in my stomach
(or lower?)
I've never been starfishing
I suppose I could have tried
but I digress. this moment i realize
falling stars are real, one has
crashed into my skin
alighting upon my shoulder
whispering in my ear
rain falling and birdsong
and the sweetness of a guitar

are never any match for the voice of a god

Our love is the moments when time slows and we simply breathe together, and I can feel our heart beats whisper to each other.