Don't be afraid to say no.
No is a powerful word.
A simple "no" can change lives.
Do you want your life to be changed?
Well it's easy
Don't be afraid to say no.

The suns seems happy and bright
But what if its not
What if it's just told to be that way
It just doesn't know how to be cold
Its so used to being bright
People expect it to be that way
The sun has a purpose
It can't let all of us down
It has to keep shining
For us.

I have never let myself get close to someone
I always run before I can get attached
Because leaving hurts
and getting left hurts
so I avoid it
but I met this boy
he makes me kind of crazy
he has curly brown hair and a cute smile
last night he came over and we talked for two hours
two o' clock am
we were just talking
I dont know why I love talking to people at night..
but I honestly do
He says he may be in love with another girl
and I said okay.
because I am always left to pick up the pieces
he will come back eventually
it just hurts
because I am falling for a boy
who is not falling for me.

I am going insane
I am drowning in myself
I am drowning in this car
Watching the water run down the windows
Tears run down my cheeks
I fit right in
Pretty rainbow wax mixing into a blob
It's like my head
It started out pretty but now it's mixed
Two deaths one week
They took their lives
Two deaths one week
Why do I want to be a third
I don't really
My head is just mixed
I need to get out of this car wash
I need to get out of my brain.

you know that classic love story
the boy sees the girl
she has beautiful shining hair and perfect skin
a smile that radiates like the sun
their eyes meet and they feel a spark.
well i have never heard a love story about a girl with a zitty face
a girl who wears big hoodies and sweatshirts everyday to hide her body that has too much flesh
a girl who
a girl whose smile is more fake than the foundation that she slams on her face to give the illusion of good skin
is that all we care about in this life?
the illusion of perfect
the illusion that the scars on her skin are from a cat
the illusion that you make so your parents can be proud of you
the illusion that living doesn't hurt like hell everytime you open your eyes
the illusion that everytime you wake up youre not terrified to live another day
i will never have a classic love story
because most days i wear big hoodies
because most days i can't smile
because most days i put my hair in a bun
because most days my face is exploding with red spots
suicidal depressed girls don't get happily ever afters.
in this story
the boy will look at the girl
he will see her
and he will look away.

I grew up learning that
*** before marriage was bad
Being mean to others is bad
Smile to make other people smile
Get good grades
Make your family proud.
I was never specifically taught that
Suicide is bad
Starving is bad
Making yourself throw up is bad
Hurting yourself is bad
Faking is not okay
I was never taught that hurting yourself is not acceptable.
Maybe its because kids don't usually hurt themselves on purpose.
I was always told to be nice to others.
To be grateful for what you have.
I was never nice to myself,
I deserve much worse.
So ya I hate myself, I am just really good at faking.
Its easy when you've been doing it for as long as you remember.

I'm just tired.
Tired of wanting things
Tired of crying
Tired of thinking
Tired of pretending.
I'm just tired and I need a break
I just can't seem to find anything that's a break for me.
Its hard.
I'm getting done..
I need some sleep
But I can't.

What are we doing here
Piled high with things we are supposed to do.
Places to go dishes to wash floors to vacuum lawns to mow boys to kiss girls to *****
Why the hell does any of this matter
We are driving in the dark with no headlights.
Why do we do any of the things we do
We follow society blindly
People ask me why I'm insane.
I'm asking them the same thing
I don't get it
We get put in mental hospitals because our insanity isn't "normal" enough
We aren't following "normal" enough
So we get high
We become suicidal
Try to **** ourselves
We cut our skin
Cause we are so confused
We are so broken according to everyone
We are so ******* up
So numb
As to why we have to live this ******* way
Who the hell decided that this is life
I hate myself
I hate my head for thinking this deep.
Try turning on your headlights
Maybe you will understand
We aren't even insane at all.
You are.

I don't quite understand why the sun on my face or the hot pavement on my feet makes me feel free.
Because skin gets burned.
I don't really know why the boxy shoes that judge and snarl make me feel beautiful when I dance.
Because they broke me.
I don't really know why mcdonalds french fries and country songs that I hate make me miss you.
Because you were more than that.
I don't get why they say the light always wins the darkness or why the dark always scared me.
Because now the darkness feels like home.

Hey there
guess what
you are going to make it
keep moving forward
keep pushing through
if you were getting chased by a bear you wouldn't stop
even if you were tired
you would keep going
so even though I know its hard
even though it *****
even though it feels like everything is wrong
I know that it is going to  be okay eventually
it is okay to be sad
it is okay to feel lonely
it is okay to cry
but don't unpack and live there
there are so many lovely things in this world
I would hate for you to miss all of it
so take a second
look outside
take a few deep breaths
and just be grateful that we have what we have
even though life may **** sometimes
it is all going to be alright
keep fighting.

You tasted it for two seconds
Now its gone
Do you even remember it
Do you even want to change
Was that worth it
Was that food worth the sacrifice
I hope it was
Because honestly you are so stupid..
I hope you learn
I hope you learn to fail better
To fall farther
When you ask yourself,
have you reached your goal?
You are always going to be stuck saying
              Not Yet.

I love the darkness
It feels comfortable
happy is fake
my smile is fading
mom, I am trying
I truly am.
but nothing is helping and I don't want to talk to you
I can't talk to you
cause if I told you how bad it is you wouldn't let me live
I would live with so many limitations
which is not living
lying is freedom
I ******* hate myself
I have ******* up
I wish I didn't ***** up my life
mom I don't like where I'm going to end up
so I just want to die
I'm sorry
but I cant live anywhere anymore

It's been a year since I was really bad
I was on the edge of falling
I cleaned up my act
I started taking meds
I ate more
I cried less
I slept
I became numb to everything
It felt like I was living in a dream
My brain was empty
I hated it
I got fat
I lost control
I started making excuses
So then I stopped taking the meds
It does crazy stuff to your head when you stop cold turkey
Suicide was all that was on my mind
But I decided that I would rather be honest with myself
and feel what I'm feeling
Instead of masking my mind everyday
My aunt avoided her mind
Stacked her body full of pills
She stopped eating
Now she weighs 85 lbs and her kids have to watch her
I don't want to be like that
I would rather be dead
This isn't really a poem
More of a rant
I just want to die
And I decided that
It's actually okay to feel like that.
I'm getting bad again.

Tonight something in my brain clicked.
I am affecting others lives.
Alot.
So instead of looking sad.
Instead of sitting alone in my room.
Instead of being addicted to myself..
I need to fake happy better.
I need to fake everything more.
I do enough damage to myself.
I don't want to do that to someone else.
A gear in my head..
Just clicked.
Now I know..
I need to forget myself.

old town
same house
same road.
memory ghosts shimmer in the breeze
first kiss
feeding the ducks
scraping my knee
best friends house
I can feel the ghosts try to drag me back to those times
I miss it
when life was simple
when the only thing I had to worry about was how to add
when I could play outside for hours climbing trees and riding bikes
I used to think being old was fun.
Its most definitely not
I would give almost anything to go back for a day
to be worry free and just play
but that is actually impossible
so instead I will sit here typing papers and taking tests
because one day I will be a mother
and I want my kids to have fun
I want them to have memory ghosts haunt them
begging to come back
I know that is kind of backwards
but living in memories is how I make it through real life.

Pictures are just moments
Moments bring back memories
Memories bring back feelings
Feelings bring back people
People are this life.
So next time you look at a picture try to look for the layers.
Cause they are there.
You just have to look.

It hurts
Looking back at what I had
It hurts
Knowing that I am getting worse
It hurts
Understanding grown up things
It hurts
Standing on the scale
It hurts
When words drip from your skin
It hurts
To live with a mask
It hurts when everyone tells you that you need help but help only makes things worse.

In the pitch black night I lay awake
Staring at this stupid
Screen typing
Another
Stupid
Poem
To
Be
Forgotten

I stare at the shattered glass on the floor.
Why hasn't it broken before.
Maybe it was tired of getting
Touched
Bumped
Dropped
Used.
If I were the glass I would have shattered too.
I think in a way I am the glass
Shattered on the floor.
There's only pieces of me left.
Be careful parts of me are sharp
Sweep me up with a broom
Let the world devour me.
Let me poke little holes in the trash bag.
I may be pieces
But I never disappeared
completely

Playing a song on repeat
The same thing
Over and over
You play on repeat
Nasty words
Hard punches
Over and over
I'm done I can't do this anymore
You're stuck on repeat

I love the things that I know are wrong.
I love tearing myself apart
A peice of pretty scrapbook paper being torn into shreds.
I stopped puking cutting bruising
I started searching for ways to destroy myself from the inside out
Socially acceptable ways
By the time people notice
It will be too late

I hate being unsure
I hate not knowing what I should be doing
I hate living life just slipping by
I don't know why I need medicine
I think that life hurts and we numb it
life is not supposed to be easy
life is not supposed to be a merry go round
life is supposed to be messy and tricky and hard
Driving until I escape everything is honestly what I feel like doing
I feel like hiding until someone cares enough to find me
I also feel like I am supposed to be dancing
I am supposed to be trying harder
I don't know what I need to do
But I am going to keep going
Maybe I ******* up this year
Maybe life is not supposed to be like this
I am rethinking life in general
I need to stop playing it safe.

Its hard when you remember
When you get the feeling back
The anxiety
The scale
The lower number
Its hard because you remember
how bad you wanted it.
How bad you still want it.
How bad you still need it.
Remembering how simple it really is
Once you get past your mind
Everything gets easier.

{SM}

Last January I wanted to die.
This January I want to die
Nothing has changed
But at the same time everything has.

tonight the shadows smothered me
a sheet of black
I cant quite see the light through all the shadows
I try to get them off
but its too hard and tonight I am giving up
tonight I'm tired
tonight I just want to be done to be alone
I want someone to shine some light
except I don't
cause I find peace in shadows
which I know is twisted
but it is the truth.
I want to die.

Drowning.
I am drowning
I am drowning in my thoughts
I am drowning in my body
I am drowning in school
I am drowning in stress
I am drowning in darkness
I want to drown
but not in these ways.
I want to drown in water.
I want to inhale the liquid
And exhale nothing.
I want to drown.

You don't feel the tight skin.
You don't hear the buttons pop.
You don't feel the seams rip.
You don't see my mirror.
You tell me I look healthy.
You tell me I have cute curves.
You tell me I need to eat.
But you don't understand.
When you are asking me to eat,
You are asking me to give up.

Are you okay?
You just look dark
The sparkle in you seems gone
I don't know
You're not the same
You're empty
But full of something
The terror of something is seeping out of your eyes, its replacing the light that was there
I don't know if I can help
I get glimpses of who you were
Of who you are
I don't know where you went
Please come back
I don't like this new you anymore.

I never thought I would be the girl who sits all alone in her car at lunch.
I never thought I would be the girl who lies about things deeper than highschool.
I never thought I would be the girl who wants to leave this world.
Permanently.
I never wanted to be that girl.
But here I am.
I'm that girl.
Maybe it was my choice..
Maybe I chose this.
I really don't know
But it happened and life does that sometimes.
It just seems to happen in the worst ways and we are just expected to deal.
Well thats life I guess.

Overcast
Blended sea with the sky
She wondered why her tears reminded her of the ocean.
How they would flow in waves
High tide is at night
That's when the demons come out to surf
Through her head
Through the waves
Water
Salt
Empty
Stepping into the water she blended in.
Her mind couldn't tell the difference
She was the same
That's all she ever was
Gray
Mist
Clouds
The black storm clouds drift in through her ears and settle in her mind
Rain falls down her cheeks
She is sick of trying
Trying to be blue in a world that is so gray.

I try to write.
I am trying to vent.
But my head is tangled
I can't brush it out without pulling my brain with it.
How do I say this
I'm done I'm really done.
I don't know how I'm going to make it
I am lost
I feel really low
I don't know what to do anymore.
I am just typing
My ankle stings
I just relapsed
Yay
Well anyway
Hopefully I don't die
Or do
I don't care
Okay until next time
Or not
Bye

I don't know why growing up is so hard for me.
Maybe it's because things are already so painfully real to me..
people say that after highschool life gets real.
I don't know if I will be able to handle life if it gets more real.
Everyone who grows up changes.
I want to change, I hate who I am.
But I think that I will change for the worse.
I think that's why growing up is so scary for me.
I don't want to keep changing this way.

I cant quite connect with some poems
Cause it's
Their words
Their head
I'm sure they understand it though
It's theirs.
My words
My phrases
Become me
They are in my head
But not everyone understands my head
Even I don't understand my own head
For some reason though when I write it down it makes perfect sense to me.
And I that's what I find beautiful about poetry

My mom and Dad called me at 6:30 this morning and asked me "are you even trying to get better?" And the only thing I could say was "I'm working on it."
Like I don't know what the hell "better" means. Is it being the old fake perfect me? Going to church every week? Smiling and laughing at the right times?
Is that "better"?
Mom I don't even remember ever feeling good so I don't know how you expect me to get there.
People don't want to hear that you're struggling. They want to hear that you are getting better and if you are not getting better then you might as well just hurry up and die. Stop wasting their time.
Idk that's really dark and ******* up.
I'm just venting.

I remember things that most people don't.
I remember small flowers that I love.
I remember what songs I listen to with certain people.
I remember playing hide and seek with my cousins in a field.
I remember a compliment from a six year old.
I also remember turning down food over and over and over.
I remember stretching again and again.
I remember getting smaller and smaller.
I remember the night my dad told me that I was going to eat protein powder or two pieces of butter toast and I almost started
crying.
I remember my sister asking me if I starved myself and I said no.
I remember my music getting sadder
I remember closing off.
I remember trying to please people.
That's all I live for anymore..
I live for other people.

It eats at you with ravenous guilt
Knowing that you need to be rebuilt
They welcome you with betraying hands
Controlling you from taking a strand
listening to the closing door
Memories splashing on the floor
I try so hard to make the monsters run away
They just barged in and demanded to play
In this game of life
Please don't choose the knife
Keep fighting for what you need
Or all your going to do is bleed

She was the shallow waters close to shore
He was the deep ocean
They could never quite reach eachother.

It has almost been a year
how can time go so fast
but yet so slow.

Why do I keep this part of me a secret?
Why don't I get help?
Why in the world would I try and go through this all by myself?
Because when I look at myself and see what I have created.. I hate it. I hate it so much. I don't want other people to see this part of me and hate me just as much as I hate it.
I don't need people to worry for me. I promise I do enough without other peoples help.
Talking to people will make it real. I don't want to become this monster In my mind.
So why do I pretend?
Because I don't want other people to suffer as much as I have to.

I hate living
I hate dying
I hate everything
I hate the door
And the floor
But just tonight
Tomorrow I will see the sun again
Tomorrow I will love things
But not tonight
And that's hard.

My head is an ocean of empty
Which makes it a trench
It used to be full of life
Now it's dirt
If you tried to jump in you would fall so hard
Your head would break open
So please don't fall
I already did
Falling ***** when you don't have the energy to grab onto something to save you.
I don't think I want to be saved
I'm okay with falling tonight
Cause its easier to swim in an ocean without water anyways.

the tequila melting down my throat has the same burn as the antifreeze
I want to ******* drown in it

The girl in the pictures
Smiles in the hallways
Laughs with friends
Ya, I wish you could see
That she is not me.

Family Christmas party
Food laugh love
I feel this until I don't
I'm hiding in the bathroom
Head is pounding
Eyes lost
I just need to get out of here
But I can't
Why come to a party when you just say hi and leave?
It's the medicine talking
I don't even know
I just feel like death would be best
But I know it won't be
And that's what hurts the most.
I'm stuck between living and dying and it makes the simplest things seem so complex.

The only way that I will ever end up getting help is if it gets so bad that someone notices.
I will always deny it.
I am functioning and healthy.
No one can physically see that I want to **** myself.
It's all in my head.

i have found that my head goes too deep.
i can’t stop thinking about how sad it is that every single day i will keep waking up.

right now i’m sitting in my car
going on three hours.
it’s raining.
it is currently 12:23am
and i can’t get myself to go inside.

most people’s heads are
similar to
rivers
or lakes
or ponds
some deeper than others depending on who.

it’s much easier to see the bottom of shallow waters.
it is also much easier to stay afloat
and usually you’re closer to an edge.

the deeper it gets,
the harder it is to see through
and the longer it takes to get to a shoreline.

i tend to drown in the ocean of my mind.

i think one reason why the ocean appears beautiful is because of the mystery of what could be below.
also because the reflection of the sky on the water is simply incredible.
we all reflect normality, which is the sky.
it’s still beautiful but everyone can see it by just glancing up.

but most people can tell that there is more to us than just what reflects off the water,
but they don’t know what.

often times people are terrified but also incredibly intrigued by a mystery.

us with deep minds are often seen as beautiful,
we tend to make beautiful art because we have so much beneath the surface.

so many undrawn pictures
so many lyrics not written
so many movements not choreographed

people love to see us trace the shadows that are deep in our minds.

we paint theses things hoping that then maybe - just maybe - they could get it.
or at least part of it.

we create art so people can see pieces of things that they don’t see for themselves
and things that they can’t see from above the surface,

the surface of the water.
the surface of our head.

it’s dark when you go deep in the ocean
harder for the sun to reach
like my mind.

it has spots where the light reaches
but also areas that have never seen the light of day.
it can be scary and disorienting.

i honestly want to die.

but no matter how hard the day is,
i still wake up tomorrow.
we will all most likely make it to tomorrow.

that’s all we’ve ever done,
or else we would be dead.

sometimes i wish my mind was a body of shallow water instead of a complex ocean.
it would be so much easier to understand and be understood.

but i don’t have a simple head.
so i will keep writing **** that doesn’t make sense to anyone and i will keep waking up tomorrow.

i have yet to not make it to tomorrow.
i find is so sad,
and i’m still struggling at coming to terms with it.

If I ever commit suicide I think that as I die there will be a flash of pictures of what my future could have been.
That's one of the only things keeping me here.
The hope that things will get better.

I will never have the courage to die
I know its probably wrong to say it that way
but its true.
If I was brave
If I wasn't afraid
If I didn't care if I broke my parents hearts
I would not be here
and that is a sad fact
but its true.

I tried
I tried to hold it in
I tried not to interrupt
I wish I was nothing
Why can't I be a shadow
Getting lost behind movement
Fading into the background
I tried to hide the monster inside of me
It just promised to come out
The shadows ripped it out with their teeth
My teacher thought I was being dramatic maybe she would get it if she was locked in my mind for a day.
It has ups and downs
Why is anything there
I wish that I could disappear into nothing
No future
No past
It sounds sad
But relaxing
I know this is a jumbled mess
This is post anxiety attack
Sorry I'm trying to calm down
To talk reasonably with myself
I can't
All it comes back to is how I break everything.
Well I guess this poem doesn't have an end.
It wasn't really a poem anyways.

When I was 12
I was hiking with my family, we sat on the edge of a cliff at the top of a mountain,
we were over looking the painted landscape

I remember looking at our feet in the empty air
and I asked my older sister:
“do you ever just want to jump..?”

She nodded and replied with:
“yeah shay.. :) I always wished I could fly too..”

and that is the first time..
that I realized that my head was different.

Because while she was
thinking of jumping to fly..
I was thinking of jumping to die..

and that’s when I started hiding my head lol
followed by a life of hiding self destruction.