i know you'll leave me breathless and blue
yet i can't help but think about your sparkling eyes
and the way you creep into the space beside me at four in the morning,
when at 2 am you were probably still at some bar,
watching girls and boys from afar and feeling hollow.

i know you'll leave me dumbfounded and empty,
yet i can't help but think about the way you look at me intently
and take a smoke on your never ending cigarette
then you close your eyes and blow wisps of grey that surround us
for some reason, you'd look so beautiful in the haze and night
but that same smoke suffocates me so slowly.  

i know you'll leave me broken and silent,
yet i can't help but think about the way you wrote me that post card
when you said you hated writing
or the way you held me close the first time i got drunk,
and the next morning, half asleep with the sunlight piercing my eyes,
i felt you getting ready to leave without saying goodbye
yet you kissed me on the forehead.

and someday, i know you'll leave
yet i can't help but love you with the way you make me want to disappear
with the way you talk and write songs and drive to other places
without ever telling me when you're going to go

but i don't want you to go.

the trees seemed to peer over us, a story that could begin,
with their leaves falling like autumn
in a country where there was no fall
the wind seemed to give me a little nudge—
in between our laughter i could have told you
i wanted to hold your hand
right when yours brushed mine
i could have asked you to tell me
if you had gotten home safely that night
right there and then i could have told you
that at night i pray for you,
that i always wish we had more time.

perhaps if i breathed deep enough
i could inhale the entire universe
and for a moment's worth
i'd feel the stars swirling in my chest,
the seas dancing in my lungs
and the winds running through my veins

and perhaps, if i exhaled just as much
i would breathe out the world
from my skin and bones,
and let it take the weight of sadness
that i carry in my chest.

I hear white noise in the evening gloom
Alone in my head as the wind blows
Then the stereo plays your song, quick and quiet
And it takes me to places nobody knows

You've always thought that no one listens, but I hear your music, I do
I'm listening to your lovely words, your midnight secrets
The things you're too afraid to say in the silence
The words inside that are dying to be set free

Then something tells me your song is about to end
But you don't deserve to fade out the way you always do
So please keep going, keep talking, don't leave
And I'll keep listening.

a tropical soul
in winter for the first time—
happy with a heart so warm

i only feel alive in the subway.
it is the only place
(speeding, busy, noisy, beautiful in all its glory)
i feel some tinge of hope -
hopes that somehow
we could forget all that had happened
when we fell in love as most people do.
perhaps,
in some station, on any line,
you would happen to walk inside the train
and sit across me
and then we could fall in love again
the way strangers on trains do
fleeting, but at least painless.

it’s not your fault, none of this is.
it’s not ignorance that makes you so naive.

it’s your purity,
your brokenness,
your stubbornness
and your refusal to believe
that you are worthy of at least an ounce of love, a minute of time.
and i am so sorry the world has tossed and turned
your heart, bruised beyond repair.
it still beats
but with the sounds of loneliness
and all your favorite songs.
i am sorry all you’ve ever known
is to be alone,
so much that you do not know how to accept love.

i am losing my mind
seeing you so lost, so lonely.
how i wish i could take your hand
and lead you through these roads
i myself do not know well,
but would navigate just for you.
how i wish i could loosen your blindfold
for you to see the way.

silly you—
how many more hearts are you going to break
until you realize that you do
because you are loved?

Show me the secrets of the world
Hidden in photographs and all the books to be read.
I am young, I am curious.

Scrape my knees on the sidewalk
And I'll bleed through careless laughter,
I'll wipe the sweat from my playground days
With towels that are now too small
For this body I've grown into,
and oh, how I've grown:
I'm older, longer limbs and bigger words
Taller, tall enough to see
Beyond fairytales and nursery rhymes,
I'm tall enough to look out the window
And feel the world before me,
And grasp it like it is mine, like I am meant
To soar over oceans the way I ran on asphalt,
But still I am young enough, and I wonder still.

So let the clocks tick so I can watch the sun rise
Let me cry my eyes out to wipe my tears
Let  me laugh until I cannot breathe
Let me love until I cannot see
Let me feel like I shine with the stars overhead
Let me learn and learn from the world to no end
Let me drown so I can gently float to the surface
Let me be adventurous, frightened of growing up
Let me be splendidly young forever.

loveliness in all you do
rhyme and rhythm in every move
a heart of gold, a heart so true
the universe lives in you

i love you more, each day goes by
and there are countless reasons why
i'll never let them pin your wings
so i can watch you fly

yesterdays are a day away
until more yesterdays arrive
and the old yesterdays go farther
and they turn to yesteryears
as new days come
and the first of yesterdays are all too far away
because time is a silly little thing
and we look forward to better days

days fly by quickly
like leaves in the wind
but let's not worry—
together we can watch them drift away
time promises of more beautiful days
and by your side i will stay.

The entire city could be asleep
All cars gone, no longer speeding by
The ghosts of strangers in a hurry
The sound of night wind howling
All the little apartments still in the dark
A few drunken people stumbling here and there
And still, I would wait for you on the sidewalk.

a little girl once wanted and thought she could keep the entire world. every night she cried at the sight of the stars, her heart burst whenever the flowers would bloom, she'd dance in the rain whenever it would so much as drizzle.

one night, when her little heart began to overflow with so much yearning, she walked to a cliff by the sea with a jar in hand. she opened the jar, holding it up to the sky and watched the delicate universe make its way inside it all so gently. immediately, she capped the jar and was amazed that she held the world in her hands. for many days she took it around with her, leaping through rivers on stepping stones and walking through sea shores in the light of day.

one day, suddenly, the bottle fell from her hands and her heart stopped. she could not believed she had dropped it. she picked up the jar, and suddenly it seemed as if the universe was wounded. she could not believe she did such a thing.

on the night of that unfortunate day, she made her way to a mountaintop with a heavy heart and her vision murky from tears. just as she was high enough to touch the clouds, she carefully chose a spot and stood firmly, still sniffling a little bit.

"i did not take care of you when you trusted me. i do not deserve you, universe." she said, her voice shakey as she uncapped the jar. "i am sorry."

in the same manner she caught the universe, she held her open jar towards the heavens and watched the universe pour out the bottle in wisps—the stars and planets and all of space and time dispersed before her eyes and again, she began to cry. she wondered how she was even able to keep such a beautiful thing and how she had failed it.

days passed and the girl was lonely again. as she strolled past plants and vines, they would wilt in sadness. the sun would shine so palely in the morning that even the moon could not console it. she was so sad that even nature joined her in silence.

on one morning, she woke up feeling a different beating in her heart. she stood up from her flower bed to look at her reflection, and to her surprise she found something shining just right under her left shoulder.

there, she found the universe had come back to her—not in the same jar it used to be in, but in her heart.

"do not ever think you do not deserve the world just because of your shortcomings," she heard the universe whisper, her hand in her chest. "i have found my way to your heart and here i will stay."

and that is how the girl began to carry the universe she had so loved in her heart, forever.

step into the shower
maybe this water will wash the pain away
like the rain would do for me and you
in the month of may

in this light i'll shed some skin
and leave behind words unsaid
maybe if i had done things right you'd be here
on the empty side of this bed

i'm sorry i thought i could be captain
of this ship we built for two
i thought that love was all we'd need
that dreams alone would do

maybe if i pray hard enough
i could forget everything and start anew
i'd erase all these things i've done
but never these memories of you

now who's dreaming beside you, love?
it used to be us two
we can't save each other from nightmares anymore
so now all i dream of is you

This is a rebirth—
I will bid farewell to all this hurting,
I will shed this skin along with what I once felt,
and leave a little thank you note on the fridge
for all the bad days when I felt like sinking into my bed to disappear.

This is a reincarnation—
I'll revel in the familiarity of days long gone like past lives,
I'll listen again to the songs I loved when I was fourteen
and perhaps find new meanings,
I'll search for the innocence I lost to time and age,
and hang on to every bit of soul and memory I can muster.

This is a renaissance—
Little by little I shall rediscover my body and heart,
My soul will awaken with curiosity and be fuelled with a lust for life,
I'll fall in love once more with the world in a different light.

This is the revolution—
It's the dawn of a new age of knowing my own worth.
I have allowed myself to feel and hurt, to love and lose.
Like rebuilding a fallen civilization
I will step forward defiantly and vulnerably,
I will love myself and live unlike before.

two like beings made from the same stardust
two souls meant to be one
but separated by the laws of space and life

now they spin on neighboring orbits
of different speeds—
on some days they come close enough to meet but they never do.

don't pin the bird's wings
don't keep it in its cage
let it fly as it may
in the light of day.

believe in its wide eyes
don't heighten its fear—
it has seen the world
and loved enough
to know where it wants to be.

set the bird free,
and instead
watch the sun shine
on its lustre glowing wings,
hear it sing the song
of a heart that is finally free,
listen to its story
when it describes the world
in its eyes,
and watch its graceful form
as it flies through blue skies.

don't pin the bird's wings
don't keep it in its cage
let it finally see the light of day,
let it fly as it may.

i knocked on your door
and entered your room,
the first thing i noticed
was the way the sunlight
filtered in through your window
and the photographs you put on your wall
were these pictures of the people you loved?
the places you wanted to see?
i almost stumbled
trying to avoid the books
scattered on your floor
you said it was alright,
they didn't matter to you anyway
i looked around
and found that you tried to fill
every blank space of your walls
with maps, posters, notes, reminders—
did they give you company
whenever you felt lonely?
the stereo in the corner
was blasting tunes from the 90s
and i saw the way you hung
your favorite jacket on your chair
and the way your desk
had piles of papers and little snowglobes,
your reading light hung right above
where your head would be when you slept,
your wardrobe was a mess
spitting your favorite hand-me-down's,
i wanted to get to know you more

and that's when i knew
i was on holy ground,
treading upon a world
i suppose not everyone sees...
thank you for letting me in.

i'm sorry the world has hurt you
you are broken
you are tired
i understand this, dear.
you've been used
you've been hurt
and your colors have faded out.
you're not as alive
as shining, as wondrous
as you used to be, i suppose?
and i wish i could lift the world for you
and hush the voices in your head
bring back the life to your dying heart
and let you know
i would do anything for you

how could i ever feel so grand,
so boisterous about my being
when the world is so big
and full of people, places, love,
and life i've yet to see?
i am nothing, i am not superior to anyone or anything,
yet i am a part of the machinery,
a piece of the grand scheme—
i am a rain drop among storms,
i am one leaf among many that fall in autumn,
i am a cloud floating by,
i am a an asterism among a greater constellation
i am an element of something greater than myself—
and yes, i am small, but i am important.
i still matter, and so do you.

i'm certain my heart is beating,
i can feel it leap in my chest
but i don't know what exactly for.
ask me what gets it racing,
what makes my stomach turn and my chest heave,
and i will not be able to tell you
a single answer.
but i can tell you a strange fact:
i have learned to fall in love
a million times a day.
my heart has grown bigger by tenfold
to take in pieces of the world
and all of its people,
for it cannot bear to spend a single second idle.
my heart is here—held out and admittedly quite vulnerable—
for anyone and anything to take because
i thrive on living to love,
and this is what keeps my heart beating.

i am not afraid to say i need you

the last thing i want to happen
is for you to leave

darling, you're breaking my heart.

i speed through a new freeway,
i think about the last one we just exited

i walk along provincial sidewalks lined with pine trees,
i miss the pedestrian lanes of a glaring city we left behind

i drink a hot cup of coffee in the morning cold,
i dream of feeling california's sunlight on my skin

i come across new faces and places,
i think only of the people i miss

i am faced with chances to make stories to tell,
i dwell on the moments i wasted instead

you come to places then leave,
that's just how life goes,
however, detachment is something i've never known

doe-eyed darling illuminated in stage lights,
schoolboy wanderer with ambition,
devil-may-care child of Adonis—
you are an artist in every breath and movement,
your voice is music in itself,
you turn your struggles into rhyme and reason,
your thoughts are a mirage of pastels,
you are unreal, a canvas upon which
youth paints its wonders on

you are so in love with the world,
every night i look to the stars
and hope the universe lets you see as much of it as you please

*and oh, how i'd love to be by your side through it all

perhaps it is a curse when you feel too deeply
there's no way to pluck your chest from your heart
so it weighs you down completely

and so the stories are true: life is not all magic
when you're eighteen it's easy to forget

but what is life if we don't let ourselves feel?
being lovesick, feeling heartache
is what reminds us we're real

i feel like i am being held by the throat
and my eyes drip with tears
and my chest feels heavy
and i don't know what to do
because all i want is to be where you are

why should i have to carry the weight of the world
when i break under the weight
of my own being?

sometimes i wish i could find you
like this—
seated alone in a place where you find
some sort of solitude from
the flashing lights
the loud sounds and
the brushing of shoulders with people
who you may never see again;
it’s always like this.
it seems to be fast paced and wild,
wonderful and lonely in the way you live.
so perhaps if i came across you seated this way,
in a table by the window with a cup of hot chocolate,
you would offer me a seat
and i would watch the sunlight kiss your face
and i would offer you a room in my heart,
tell you “come here, be with me,
tell me how your day went
and how you are feeling.”
and perhaps we’d share our favorite songs
and this moment of ours would feel like one
meant for the silver screen,
but it would be ours,
tucked away from the noise and the ordinary.
and perhaps i’ll be able to know you the way i wish i could:
talking over cups of hot chocolate like good old friends.
i’ll show you my world
and you’ll show me mine,
no matter how different they seem to be.

i am a silent soul,
forget about me, if you must.

but one day you'll wake up
to find my bed made, but empty.
i will be off to nowhere,
but i will get everywhere.

i'll scatter myself from the sky like ashes,
i'll fall like the rains of July,
i'll kiss mountain tops like the snow of December,
i'll drift around like the golden leaves of October,
and i will be left to the wind.

i will no longer be a soul
trapped in this cage of flesh and bones,
i will run through the world,
writing post cards about all i will see and do,
but sending them to nobody.

I want to see the world
But I'm afraid of growing old.
I want to dance in the falling snow
But I'm afraid of the winter cold.
I want to set sail on flowing tides
But I'm afraid stormy seas will unfold.
I want to walk through busy, lively streets
But I'm afraid I'll get lost with no hand to hold.
I long to live, to feel the world in my bones
But I've yet to learn to be brave and bold.

i feel like i'm calling out to you,
banging on a thick wall of glass
which conceals me somehow,
silences my cries
and stops me from reaching out to you.

this love in my heart has to go somewhere,
its spaces dying to be filled
by the pieces of who you are,
and to be there for you.

i want to love you
but i don't know how,

show me how to.

You came into the picture ever so calmly
With enchanting words of meandering poetry
With your wandering eyes, you told stories of cities and skies
And the way you traveled quickly to avoid all goodbyes

In the midst of all the cars and city lights
And with six strings and the moon
You sang your way into my heart
And I think I may have fallen too soon

Your presence was warmth in a cold winter haze
You were a calm sunset in the blue
It made me want to hold your hand
It made me want to be there for you

But I have heard tales of your adventures
And how you come and go to places without a trace
You pack your bags and disappear
You end up as an illusion of saving grace

So the seasons will change, the tides will turn
We will forget what we're living for
But your song will forever ring in my ears
My wandering troubadour

in the city is a maze
where two lovers meet
in their dreams and daze
secrets hide beneath linen sheets

a kiss on the cheek
and two hands intertwined
two souls found solace
they never thought they'd find

and it's the kind of love
that's quiet and profound
they don't need much
but for one another to be around

i will be an asterism
in the constellation of your being
as long as if it means
you'll finally allow yourself
to glow
the way i see you

maybe it's the weather
maybe it's because i'm turning a year older
but whatever it is, there is something
that gobbles me up from inside
and my bones get weaker and
my chest feels heavy and
i want to die

sunday to sunday i crawl to cling on to life
and i scrape my knees on the sidewalk
i think of tiny things that could possibly
change my tainted view of living,
i think about you.

when you love you have always done it with a fire unlike any other.
it blazes, the flame reaches such great heights and
grows taller than the buildings and trees you climbed
to get a glimpse of beyond,
a fire that has fueled your heart to light up the world
but eventually eats it all up.
this love in the end is no longer a phenomenon
but just a tragedy, a fall of ash rain on a city burnt to the ground,
the pieces of your heart shattered on the floor
reflecting the fool that you are,
you're just consumed by the flames of the way you love—
silly girl, you're gone.

it is rare to come across
a mind quite as beautiful as his
it overflows with wonders
so he sets them free
through words and tunes,
this symphony-blooded boy
commands piano keys
and guitar strings with passion
so much that he could move
planets and mountains
the way people would for him.
his heart, although it runs on a lack of sleep,
stands strong through every night
spent thinking and writing and creating.

so if you do come across minds like these,
know that you are lucky
for you are glancing into universes
held within a single being,
of which are lived out through song and dance.

under the bridge
i'll find the hazy cigarette dream you live:
you love like you've never been hurt before
do they return to you what you give?

you're so beautiful, so bright
i love being in your light
but look—
you are burning
and i hope you'll never fade
is there a way i can help?
do i put the fire out for you,
do you want me to?
map the way,
send me a smoke signal,
and i will follow.

i miss the aching cold of autumn and spring.
the winds would blow at any time of day and
although my skin would crack
and my knees would shiver,
i remember the way i would see my own breath
right in front of me whenever i'd laugh,
i remember walking around, burning my tongue
with the heat of the delicious street food,
i remember tucking my hands in my oversized coat
as i sat in the train and sped by little houses–

the happiness i felt in those days kept my little heart warm.

do not tell me to stop feeling
when it is what makes up my entire being
do not tell me to stop loving
when it is the only form of my healing

i've picked up the pace
i've seen the beauty of the world once again
in the faces of strangers
and in the grittiest places
i feel alive,
and i wonder how i could have possibly
stopped seeing life through rose colored glasses.
time and time again i fall in love with the world
when i feel it loving me,
and what a splendid feeling
to be young and alive,
what a wonder it is
to be alive!

i. He says he'll embrace me through the night
And so I allow him to
Then I feel his arms tangle around me
Strangling me gently with his thoughts
About neverending things I'd rather not ponder on.

ii. He tells me to get up from my bed
Leads me to a mirror
I look at my own reflection
And instead of seeing myself, I gaze upon broken shards of glass
A distorted image, I am disgusted; I can't look anymore.

iii. He hands me a blade
Touches my wrists softly, guiding me:
"Let it run along your skin.
Let the blood dance."
He said it would make me forget for a while.

iv. He whispered sweet nothings
Which turned out to be haunting words once he disappeared
And I sat up in the cold, hours on end
Waiting for nothing: eyes tired but never closing
Because I felt so alone
And there was nobody to phone.

v. And even as the stars were shining
The night grew on longer
Coldness so bitter, darkness beyond jet black
Because he ordered me to stay there
And I did so, accordingly.
I no longer felt like fighting.

vi. Then, I remembered:
I closed my eyes, pulled my blanket over me
Shut my mind off and stopped thinking, stopped breathing
Counted a few numbers
And opened my eyes to the sun rising
To find that he was finally gone.

desire,

i ache to know you,
to watch you approach me like wildfire
and render me helpless because yes—
i wanted this,
exercised my wildest imaginations
against the wishes of religion and morality
on afternoons when there was nothing to do,
drowned every bit of guilt for the thrill
of the world’s secrets i’ve never known.
i want to know how it’s like to need a body other than mine,
to have senses heightened and feelings wild:
you on my skin,
delicate touches as if reading a map,
and when you leave a phantom hand lingers
only to have me ask for just a little bit more.
a little bit more, please.
i want to know how to melt into another,
in limbo between lust and love
not being able to tell which is heaven and which is hell.
i want to know desire,
to, for once, feed what my body yearns to feel
and to no longer put out
the secret fire that burns in my chest.

The morning after is when the heart is at its heaviest.
Remnants of the night before are broken in fragments,
barely alive but still breathing, like wilting flowers—
Neon lights, stolen glances, cups of coffee, roaring laughter, moments when you feel like you're in love—
They turn to memories left in a time
that isn't far away just yet,
But the distance of just a few hours
makes you feel lonelier than ever.
*(The past within your reach, yet impossible to grasp once again.)

what a beautiful thing it is to have loved such a flame
a fire that started slowly
then grew taller, grew brighter
a beam of light in the darkness that was magic to me.

what a beautiful thing it is to have loved such a flame
i felt its warmth and i spectated
i came closer and it suddenly turned into different hues
gentle yellows, angry reds, sullen blues.

what a beautiful thing it is to have loved such a flame
it was beautiful, it was bright
it was burning, a star in the night
but then it hurt too much, i could no longer fight.

what a beautiful thing it is to have loved such a flame
i came to close to your fire and you scorched my soul
and i knew what i had to do:
i had to put you out for the better.

what a beautiful thing it is to have loved such a flame
and i'm sorry i stole your fire, i let you die down
i'm sorry i let you hurt me
and make me feel like i was being burnt alive to a slow and steady death

what a beautiful thing it is to have loved such a flame
and now all you are is ghostly smoke
slightly suffocating me still
but fading away while i sit in the darkness

it's a resounding voice in my head,
"be more. be more. be more. be more. be more. be more."
there's a fire in my heart and
i can never feel enough in my own skin.
the world feels bigger than ever
and i feel smaller in the four walls of my bedroom,
and i want to do more
see more
feel more
be more
but i don't know how to.