I dread the day,
The moment when
I take his hand.
And wish it was yours.
I have nightmares about
His kiss on my forehead,
My fake, plastered smile
Because of what's wrong.
Something forgotten, and lost, and replaced.  
And my guilt that I feel as
I remember.
How I let time slip
Through my fingers.
And I'll look up at his face,
Into his dear, kind eyes,
And my heart will scream.
Because my life will have become a song with a missing a verse.

Always say the words that you should.
Even if you think they are already understood,
For sadly, hearts are often broken
By the simple the words we leave unspoken.

His heart was like winter,
Cold but exciting.
My most favorite season,
With crisp piercing lighting.
Adventures and chills,
Through my messy black hair.
Sharp, lovely breeze,
Through the whispering air.
But as the show thickened,
The ice became tough,
And I shivered and realized,
My coat wasn't warm enough.

My heart has a vault
Hidden deep in its core.
A deep understanding
Of something I wish not to explore.
The knowledge of what I'll eventually choose.
The purpose of the person I'm not willing to lose.
But that knowledge, this purpose,
I'd rather ignore.
Because there's a chance that my heart
Could crash to the floor.
The sentiment, idea, and truth in this vault,
Could ruin it all
And that would be my fault.

During this month I was told that
My level of intellect was dangerous.
It truly makes sense because
My speech can't keep up with my thoughts and
My wandering daydreams control my nights as I lay still,
Begging my mind for rest.
I have no patience for my peers
Because I read them with confusion and shock,
All easily and quickly
Like ******, young adult fiction.
A boy once told me that my mind was a maze,
But he was wrong because
There are no dead ends.
There is no rest.
Every fully dissected thought,
every soul crushing emotion
Leads to the next.
And so, my mind won't let me rest.
I will never be at peace.
They say intellect is a gift,
But it is truly a curse
As I grow more restless
With each passing hour.

When you ask yourself
Who would truly care?
If you lay dying
With a cold and empty stare.

Please remember that it would be me.
Trembling with fear,
With dark thoughts roaming free

Because you show me light,
When my courage stretches thin.
Even when that light
Is troubled and dim.

You don't know your worth.
So I'll remind you every day.
I love you, sweet Sir.
And that will never go away.

So next time you wonder
Who would be affected?
Remember that only with you,
My heart is fully mended.

And if I lost your light,
If it were extinguished,
I would never be the same.
But my love never diminished.

I don't understand
What is wrong with my mind.
It's betraying my heart.
Though your hands do seem kind,
My breath stars to quicken,
And it shouldn't mean much,
But my heart quickly unravels
As I flinch, shrink from your touch.

She wanders.
Her soul and body,
Always searching,
Never ceasing.
The waves in her
Soft blue eyes
Roll and crash in
A continuous cycle
Longing for something
More. Always something
Bigger than what
She's given. For
It will never be enough.

We sprint through the trees.
And we are alive,
Our hearts burning as hot as the stars above our heads.
With a devilish glint in my eyes
And a lopsided grin on his face
We pick up our speed.
The moon breaks through my hair
And his laugh pierces through the chilled autumn leaves.
We don't slow our pace.
I feel the white hot pain beginning to spread through my limbs
Just as we reach the cliff and collapse,
Feeling nothing but the thrill and joy
That comes with our secret place
Where we cannot be followed.

It's surprising, how many people
forget
That a certain amount of
Simple, small
Hairline fractures
Can break a bone.

A girl was born with ebony hair,
With blazing eyes,
And a piercing stare.
She sprinted through childhood.
Skipping many moments.
And she forgot what it meant to be young,
Lacking burdens.
Her heart pounded with a fire that could
Outlast all her failures,
But didn't have time time for cruel
Passing faces.
She grew accustomed to loss.
She took it in stride,
And her laughter remained
Until something in her died.
Her patience grew thin with the plain, naive youth.
She did not understand
Why none spoke the truth.
The fire in her heart grew deadly, impatient.
And her restless soul was gasping
Looking for understanding, non-existent.
But she squared her shoulders;
Embracing the story she'd told,
And saw that her lion's heart remained,
Along with her fire guarded soul.

Deep
A hard, painful knot in my chest
Fake
The world around me, everything I touch, crumbling to dust.
Long
Each day. Never ending pain, though I try my best.
Alone
No one is with me, not one soul I trust.
I cannot.
Cannot cope with the pain, darkness.
I reach.
Reach for my hope
Press it against my skull


Click.

Don't be so afraid.
Don't feel so alone.
Because look, see what we made?
We made our own hearts' home.

We found it in each other.
The love , the trust, and peace.
This joy is like no other,
And will tame our dark minds' beast.

So lease just let it go.
Let your heart be free.
I've made it clear, and no,
You're never going to lose me.

This is my goodbye, I guess.
How did I get here.
Maybe all of the stress?

Or maybe all the pain
That just won't go away.
The losses with few gains
While no one would stay.

But maybe I'm wrong
Because some people stayed,
But they'll leave before long.
im just not worth the wait.

They say some people change.
And are gone and never seen.
Just not in the same way.
This, I thought was mean.

But now I realize it's true.
And this is my goodbye.
Because my soul is simply through.
Not strong enough to fly.

The one I lost
Not long ago,
Whose eyes were burdened
Like heavy snow,
Whose heart was closed
And rigid,
Spiked,
Who could not seem
To sleep at night,
His pain-filled eyes
Would smile and grin
And so no one saw
The true pain he was in.
I tried to reach out,
But his ice froze my hand,
Biting right through me
Till I could no longer stand.

What is love?
Such an overused word.
I'd never thought I'd feel it.
That idea was absurd.
And then I met you
I knew that one thing was plain.
That love isn't just one thing.
And it's a wonderful thing to have gained.
I thought it would be worthless.
Simply and utterly untrue.
But now I've found it in you, friend
I feel the joy when you do.
Of course it's not all perfect.
Like when I can feel your pain.
But to me, it's always worth it.
And I'll never be the same.

Though I'm alive,
The breath is stolen from my lungs.
Though I don't cry out,
My heart is being stung.

Though I stand motionless,
I'm thrown back through glass,
Though I remain quiet,
I'm soul screams, yearning to ask.

It all happens as
Time stands still and true.
This pain occurs
Every time I see you.

I'm tired of the stupidity that blinds my generation. I'm sick of coarse banter. I can't listen to your words. With all my strength, I block you out.

We are going through the motions of life like empty plays on a cold chess board. Knights and Kings and Queens. All asleep.

It's time to wake up. Lead lives with meaning. Rise up from the ashes in flames. Flames of hope and life.

When I dream
I dream of many things.
But most often,
I dream I have wings.

Wings that will take me
Far from their faces.
Wings that will break me out
Of these worthless places.

My efforts are feeble.
My heart flickers like a dying lightbulb
As the power of my hope is burns out.
Words spoken at 1:48 am are seared into the depths of my mind.
And I realize that I cannot.
My mouth must remain sealed
And my dangerous, sparking, failing heart,
Blocked off.
Because my efforts are feeble.
And I am lost and full of hate.

When my glance meets his stare
I am lost in his eyes.
I panick, burned by the intensity,
And dart my own eyes to the side.
Longing to reach out and trace the lines of his shadowed face out of pure wonder
With my pale, trembling fingers.
Wishing in that same moment,
That I am inside his arms
Where I am home, and steady and at peace.
But when he reaches for me, I begin to tremble, out of fear, the fear of my own heart.
And when I pull away, and my frozen stare meets his burning one,
My mind goes blank and my breathing stops.

Sick of all these people's gossip
Sick of their dim words.
Tired of faking love towards those
Who only bring me hurt.
Now I'm holding in my screams
Drowning in this sea of faces.
But they just keep looking at me
And I'm feeling suddenly graceless.
I'm heading straight to the real world.
Where they can't keep clawing at me.
But there's a friend who is blind and who Won't stop saying that I probably shouldn't be so mean,
I'm speaking up against them.
Their pretty lies, and their shallow love.
And there's a woman who hates me, and won't stop saying I should probably keep my pretty mouth shut.
But their world is a fake one.
And I simply can't wait and
Paint a smile on my angry, cold face.

I'm fine.  
I'm fine.
I'm fine, you say
You assume that I'm blind.
Then you say "go away."
But what would I do?
Sit there and stare?
Watching you whither
Like a far too young
Old man in a chair?
I don't think I could.
I don't think I should.
But if that's what you want dear,
I guess I could try.
But the more that I think
And the more that I cry,
I soon come to realize
I can't  watch you die.

As I stare into the black space,
I am surrounded by the sea of pitch
That overcomes my body with tremulous waves,
As my wavering heartbeat
Flickers like a flame in a downpour.
Nothing is clear.
The pitch is in my eyes and
As hard as I try to blink it away,
It consumes me until all I see is the blackness.
My limbs succumb to the numbness
While my soul is tossed around
Like a rag doll in a tornado,
Stuck in the same circular, shadowy pattern
Until it emerges,
Mangled and ugly.  
The shadow of the Hope I had in earlier hours
Has disappeared, melting in this
Disdainful, tormenting pitch.
It's seeping into my skin now,
Drowning me as I claw at my throat,
Desperate for a way out.
But the inevibility of it making its way to my heart is clear.
It'll form an incasing around it,
For that is its pattern,
To wait for the miner to chip it away.
But his chisel will eventually pierce my heart,
And the pitch will return.
It'll surround me and blind me.
It'll choke me until it's made its way to my heart.
And every time, he'll come back,
He'll let me breathe air for a little while,
But though the miner's heart is strong,
The pitch is a part of me now,
And my flame of a heartbeat is withering softly.

This small world I'm a part of
Will always be too small
Too small for what I dream of.
Everyone, afraid to stand tall.
I'm sick of being pushed around
Like a little girl who plays.
I'm tired of being expected always
To smile and nod for days.
Why are they all blind?
Why on earth can't they see?
They say I'm "one of a kind".
But certainly it can't just be me.
Just me who wants to escape this place.
And run as far away as I can.
From the people who smile
Then turn their backs
Surprised that I'm not their number one fan.
I'm sick of being belittled.
Pushed around, misunderstood.
So get me out of this place.
So I can escape for good.

When they enter a room,
A warmth floods your being.
Your heart beats faster.
Looking into their eyes,
Your head spins, you forget the world.
Holding them is like flying, with them, you can withstand all trials.
The person who confuses you and gives you a love without a label.
Love in its simplest form-
Two people.
The person, the only person who you want to spend 500 lifetimes with,
Never expected.
The person, the soul that you wish to hold forever.
You ask yourself, "what is this?"
For it truly makes no sense.
But that is why the purest love is the greatest riddle of all time.

You wake up and realize
That all you want in this world
Is for oceans to part so that
You can be with the one who you can't live without.

A generally unattractive face,
Wild, untamed locks of ebony,
Eyes of piercing, explosive fire,
Bruised and ****** shaking hands.
A mind with an unquenchable thirst for understanding,
A hardened heart filled with self hatred and doubt,
The list goes on and on.
And yet am I always surprised when it's not me.

If you keep madly fighting
The oceans of your sadness,
Then simply your hatred
Will drive you to madness.
So I beg you to breathe.
With calm, in and out.
Know that I won't leave,
Trust that without doubt.
Hold on to that fact,
And never give in.
Don't thrash and drown in the waves.
Instead, just learn how to swim.

When I let go of you
I smiled
Because I realized that I'm a princess
Cut from the blackest onyx.  
And the scars that mark my mind
Are harder than all diamonds.
Never to be penetrated again.  
And I move through this world
Quiet like a fire.
Never missing you.
Because you gave me scars.

The diamonds of the best kind.

Nothing makes me feel safer
Than being close you you.
Away from every danger,
For our love is simply true.
With you, all time stands still.
With you, I'm not alone.
And every moment, simple and pure
In your arms is where I'm home.

I was born Alice,
Falling down dark holes of confusion and grief,
Creating a small, glimmering world of my own.
A world which no one could see,
Which no one would want to see.
But a world in which I was content
To dwell alone. But not truly.
I was not comfortable.
I was restless. Hurting.
Chasing rabbits,
Unaware that they were always,
Always chasing something else.
And so I wandered and wondered
Alone.
Still blinking in a daze at the blinding world
That I'd surrounded myself with
Despite my loneliness.
But then I met a curious individual
Who unlike all the others,
Seemed to see the wonders I'd created,.
He was perfectly, undeniably Mad.
And I sprinted towards the familiar madness,
Stunned by the accidental speed,
As I only had time to blink twice before
The Mad Boy and I were skipping in circles,
Screaming flat, mixed notes,
And I had a child's grin on my face.
And then we were drinking a tea which filled us with delight,
Inducing cackling laughter as we
Stood by the rail of a glimmering bridge we'd created,
Pitching perfect, pristine teacups over the edge
While harvesting the chipped, stained ones,
Which we found more beautiful than the others.
Soon we were sprinting through a field of roses,
Accidentally trampling some
With his strange, glowing, purple and orange boots
And my weathered, black, out of character mary janes.
Sprinting faster, faster until
We reach a field of mismatched wildflowers.
And I have just enough time to share final glance
With my Mad Boy
Before I take my third blink.

Truths fight like machines,
Inside my pounding, aching head
Just as the sky blinks.
Four hands scraping over harsh brick in foolish hope that they'll find eachother.
Four eyes searching for answers and reason for things that they'll never understand,
And the stars go out.
Two hearts that used to function like clockwork
Suddenly stumble and fall in the darkness because of confusing, stupid sentiment.
And I am lost.
My hands bleed,
My eyes go blind,
My heart fails.
As the time races past me and leaves me in the dust of what's lost.

His heart is what I love the most.
Flaming
Beautiful
Protected  
Behind locked doors, I found
An ever changing painting;
Always transforming with
Stunning colors sprinting across
The blank, white canvas of his making.
It will never be blank again
Because
The crimson of his love is too strong.
And
The violet of his daydreams is just too complex.
And
The deep blue of his sadness is simply too heavy.
But these colors
Along with so many others,
Are what make his his heart his, his alone.
What I love the most,
Is his vibrant heart.
No matter how many times
He attempts
To cover it in white.

I am too young
To be this
Angry, hurting, empty
Girl.

Missing you is reflected
In the instability of my bones.
I walk with a long stride but am interrupted by my knee
Sliding smoothly out of its socket,
Causing its usual functions to become impossible
As straightening my leg sends shooting pain through the entire limb.
Missing you is reflected in my lifetime insomnia.
Waking in a cold sweat at 3:00 am
After 2 weeks of successful, undisturbed sleep.
Waking in the early morning of the one day which requires every possible ounce of energy.

But ultimately, missing you
Is reflected in the anger I feel towards myself.
The anger that comes from knowing what is true
Right and just.
And yet, still imagining the "if only"s.
The impossible fantasies that are somehow still creeping back into my mind
Like children's hope for fat Nicholas.  
Ignoring the knowledge that I in was in love with an idea that
Never existed.
An idea that I still sometimes wish for.
And so I limp painfully along this road with tired, bloodshot eyes,
I am angry at myself for missing you,
Angry at you, though you'll never know nor care of these musings.
And though my ******, idiotic fantasies are not of your doing.
Or are they?
The ultimate question.
Are these emotions of your doing, did you do this intentionally?
Are you aware of what occurred and what is?
Are you aware of me?
Did you ever know me.
And did I ever know you.
Because that is what angers me the most.
I miss a person that I never knew,
Do not know,
And will never understand.
And the stupidity in that is beyond my comprehension.

Your eyes are piercing,
Deep as the raging sea.
And yet they dance ceaselessly
With the laughter of a child.
Your arms, tired and struggling to remain steady,
Still somehow find time
To fly across the monkey bars of your youth.
Your words, often in constant motion,
Often filled with diverting, musical nothings, can be
Replaced with a love made clear, yearning to understand.
So what I ask of you,
Dear Stranger,
Is that you'll promise yourself,
The kind, loving theorist and the wonderfully outlandish child
Both,
That you'll leave neither behind,
Cherishing the two forever
As you make your way through the maze
That is this life.

And now I finally understand
The horse
Whose heart exploded
In the middle of the race.

I'm writing this while you're passed out on the couch,
Hoping the clicking of these keys won't cause your breath to catch
And your stormy eyes to fly open,
You restless, high-strung boy.
You're an eagle who is afraid of heights.
With the most beautiful wings and
The most piercing eyes you stare at the sky,
Waiting for the perfect moment.
But you don't know that life cannot be planned.
You cannot measure love, put a limit on hope or
Estimate faith.
But you. Stubborn, stubborn you,
Will attempt to find the ultimate equation
No matter how exhausted you become.
No matter how many sleepless nights come as a result.
I look down the rising and falling of your chest,
The small crease between your brows,
And I know you're scribbling a hypothesis
In some bizarre, ****** up dream.

I'm caught up in your mystery,
Can't breath in your hazel eyes,
But it's okay, I promise,
My heart still beats sometimes.

I wanted to speak of the infinite
To chase the stars and lose
myself in the waves.
I wanted to scream of the unheard.
To challenge the unmoveable and
Rise through winds laced with flame.
I wanted to keep moving.
But you always preferred standing still.

When the rain is falling down and
I can't feel my toes.
The hope which I felt
Is receding from my veins and
I'm falling.
The numbness is back and
Making its way through my fingertips,
Up my sparking, wired arms as I stare dully
At this wall in front of me
In the rain.
Little streams of water trickle from my newly tangled hair,
Obscuring my vision.
I can no longer dance in the rain because
My white dress, once light like leaves in the wind,
Is grey, and clinging to my shivering form like a crawling second skin.
I turn my heavy head, and when I see that no one is there,
I allow myself to sink down
To close my eyes and feel the cold.

You
So desperate
With such a longing to grow up.
You fool almost everyone.
But I see you.
Because I look past all the new.
The muscles you've worked for.
The strength in your stride.  
Because when I look at you
All I see
Are your hands.
Both hesitant and shaking.
Not certain of what they are.
Fiddling with nearest objects.
Unable to stay still.

You may feel
Old
Strong
And big.
But I don't see it.
Because you still have child's hands.

I like it loud.
You turn it off.  
Why don't you go?
You stand in shock.
I want to dance
You make me stop
You ruin us.
I stare at the clock.
All I can say
Is just get out.