his touch
is the only thing
ever known
to be able to
calm this storm
buried deep
inside me

there was an arrow that shot into my rib cage years ago
i haven’t been strong enough to pull it out
the poisoned tip sunk deep beneath the alleyways of muscles
until it latched it’s teeth onto my bones
the street lamps burned out two years ago
i haven’t found the strength to replace the bulbs within
the street signs all point to “Hell”
my brain hasn’t stopped feeling like a night sky
a soulless vast nothingness
my heart feels like a bucket of water kicked over
nothing in me will let me replace it
what do you do when the map inside you has been painted over with black spray paint?
the graffitied walls of your being cant be recognized anymore
a whole ghost town of whispers and no where to turn
where do you go when the compass inside you has broken?
you etched a new map into the dirt but the wind blew it away
what do you do when the whole world is against you?
maybe being lost is the new way of living
feeling nothing
barely breathing
what do you do when you don’t want to fight anymore?
how do you escape the deep downpour?
blocked off streets and no detours
stuck in the middle of endings
where to turn to?
sit and watch the sky darken to pitch black
phantoms sitting hand in hand
staring into you like they’ve got something to prove
or choose the ending
choose the unfathomable
choose to leave
what do you do when you’re too scared to choose?
dark alleyways and nothing to lose
broken windows and a little bit of smoke
what do you do when it all feels like too much?
what do you do when you can’t get it to end?
what do you when you can’t stop the voices in your head?
what do you do when the words all blend?
and what do you do when you can’t leave your bed?

dear demons, i am loved
despite the words you scream at me
"you're unlovable"
no i'm not

don't you ******* DARE mess this up for me, you hear? don't you ******* DARE.

i remember when i was little
i used to go to the public library all the time
in the kids' section
there were these 3 books full of scary stories
i swear i got them every time i went there
i loved them
even though it scared the **** of me as a little kid
i guess i was just getting myself ready
for the demons that would show up in my head

sitting outside in the freezing cold with some friends
talking about Disney movies and why we don't like some of them
talking about the flat earth theory and talking about being psychic
talking about how no one likes us and that's why we're not going to homecoming because no one asked
my hands are getting numb and my drawings are flapping in the wind
the teacher is inside and i tell them about a dream i had when i was 6 years old and how i still remember it to this day because it traumatized me so much
and we're just laughing about it but that dream made me scared of the ocean and boats
to this day i will never ever get on a boat and sail out to the middle of the ocean
i only feel safe if i'm standing on the shore
but all this made me realize that maybe i should take chances
maybe i need to do more things
make new friends
because one of the people sitting with us i never met
and she was really cool and i would like to be friends with her
maybe i need to be brave because nothing is going to happen if i'm always just standing in the same place, not willing to sail to new beginnings

i'm a dreamer
i like to dream of my future
the things i want
the way i want my house to look
the person i would like to love
just everything
lately, i've been dreaming of you
and lately, i've been looking at baby clothes
whenever i get the chance
because it reminds me of the life i want with you
and it reminds me that i can wait for you
and the life i've always wanted

my hands want to feel your chest
and play with your hair
and memorize your whole being

bloodied lip
bloodied knuckles
black eye
a white sky filled with purple galaxies
kisses bonded with blood
hand holding interlocked with war
a river flows through the night sky
the stars glisten
a quiet whisper
a massacre of thoughts
a canvas displays strokes of pain

do you understand the way i feel when i look at you?
i see the rest of my life staring right back at me

our love is as secretive as the night sky
the things that are hidden from the world
so beautiful and so luminous
we are a galaxy no one has discovered yet
the stars hidden from view
but it doesn't matter if no one ever knows
because to me
we're the most beautiful thing i know