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~
lovelywildflower Sep 2019
~
i fell asleep amongst bottles of paint
and strokes of love
thinking of you
and the undying love that is
buried deep in my heart
and around it
an unbreachable wall stands to this day
unequivocally there
and withstanding
your heart is a poem
whose words bind with mine
your eyes are a paintbrush
that paint the skies
you've got a handle on my heart
painting on the canvas of the future

 - you were always an art form too beautiful for unworthy eyes
there’s
something
comforting
about
the
vacancy
in
­my
heart
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
i wished for you
i hope you don't mind
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
i got my hopes up again
i'm sorry for thinking we were more than friends
lovelywildflower Sep 2018
I apologize that I have been absent
My mind has been running away from me
and I keep losing it
I've been chasing it this whole time
I cannot lose myself again
I'm sorry

I apologize that I have been absent
My lungs have been full of aching sadness
and it's hard to breathe
I've been taking deeper breaths
I cannot let myself drown again
I'm sorry

I apologize that I have been absent
My body is too weak to move
and I don't know where I am half the time
I've been trying to connect with it
I cannot let myself slow down again
I'm sorry

I apologize that I have been absent
My demons decided to hit me hard
and hid away the part of me that loves
I've been trying to find my feelings
I cannot view the world feeling nothing again
I'm sorry

But in the end
I shouldn't have to apologize for any of this
I'm trying to be okay again
I don't owe anyone anything
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
i have no words
to describe the way i feel
at this very moment
but all i know is
no one loves me
no one wants me
try to convince me
but i won't believe you
i'm unlovable
worthless
not enough
and everything in between
i'm not really heartbroken
over the fact that you don't want me
but the fact that no one wants me
it's just how my life is
i love with my whole heart
but no one loves me back
and now i'm just going to accept that fact
no one really wants me
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
you'll eventually find someone better than me
and then you will move on
and slowly stop talking
and you'll drift away
and i'll never see you again
it's just the way it goes
everyone always finds a reason to leave
always
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
i n e e d you

i cannot B R E A T H E without yo
                                                              ­      u

it h
      u
         r
            t
              s

                               *             *              *      
                                     *          *        *      *
            it's such a    *        beautiful      *              pain
                                    *        ­ *                *
                              *            *  ­         *              
trying another thing
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
you have no idea how ******* bad i want to say i love you
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
i can almost feel your touch
your warmth spreading throughout my body
but i'm laying here all alone
so cold and lonely
i wish magic were real
so i could teleport you here
just so we could hold each other
and forget about the world
and i hope this is real
because i'm slowly falling in love
and maybe you don't feel the same
but i will wait forever just to be with you
i'll sit here until the world ends
and i hope you're the last thing i see
right before i go
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
"if you're sad, just get money and you can do whatever you want."
"depression doesn't care if you're poor or not."

preach ^
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
tell me all the things you adore about me
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
dancing to alternative music
my favorite
eyes closed
spinning around the room
a pint of ice cream in my hand
feeling myself
what a good moment

lovelywildflower Nov 2018
i just want to give you everything i have or ever will have
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
you don't understand
i have a vivid imagination
i can literally feel your touch
the ghost of you
wrapping around my broken body
but it's no fun
because you're not actually here
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
i remember when we first started talking
and you told me if we were together
it wouldn't be fair because it would ache too much
since we couldn't touch or be near each other
and i remember just wanting to scream
"love me anyways!"
because i never wanted someone as much as i did you
it was always you
and sometime later
we are now together
and we're aching
but it's all so worth it
so worth it
and we'll be near each other soon
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
everything is so much more beautiful after today
the things that weren't pretty before all have a new meaning now
i'm in love
my heart is like the autumn leaves
bursting into beautiful colors
giving a message out to the world
"see, this is how i feel when you look at me"
is this love?
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
yes. yes, you are.
a little thing i wrote a while ago
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
my demons are sitting right beside me
and i'm scared
oh god i'm scared
i haven't seen them this close in awhile
just breathe
i can't drown again
just breathe!
they're saying all these terrible things to me
please don't cry
i can't breathe
you're okay!
i don't want to be depressed again
please save me
please
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
~ june 15, 2018 ~
i feel so lost right now. i don't think i've ever felt this way before. i look in the mirror and i don't recognize myself. i look in the mirror and think, "who is this person staring back at me?"
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
~ july 15, 2018 ~
i want someone who will actually want me. someone who will actually and truly love me and care about me. someone to spend the rest of my life with. i want a husband and kids. i want a family. i'm a forever type of girl.
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
~ july 8, 2018 ~
i just need to focus on all the good things. not my past. that's a bad thing. too many bad things. no more bad things. only positive. i just hope the universe is finally on my side.
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
~ june 15, 2018 ~
the truth... i think so deeply about everything in life, but all that ever comes out of my mouth is something less than.
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
i exorcized you from my thoughts
from my heart
you are no longer possessing me
i love him now
i let all the dead things go
turned some into newer and better things
deleted the words i wrote about you
rewrote some and dedicated them to him
i'm not sorry i replaced you
you've done it to me on many occasions
i hope you know you are now a ghost
lingering in my memory no more
all the words you said, forgotten
all those lies you told, learned from them
all those places you touched, i'm loving again
all the broken pieces of my heart, he healed them
forget you
you did nothing good for me
you made me afraid
and he taught me that no matter how ****** a person is
i am still worthy of love
he is the complete opposite of you
a man, not a boy like you
and i know you'll never find someone who will love you as i did
you broke me
my whole being
i love with all of me
and now i get to watch you drown beneath the waves
the end
you'll see what you lost
i can tell you miss me
why else would you ditch your girlfriend to walk with me?
i won't let you back in
i hope you realize you lost me for good this time
and i hope it hurts as much as it did for me
but it won't
because you're heartless
you won't feel a thing
and i really thought i could change you into something more
something better
a good person
but another thing i learned is people don't change
no matter how much you want them to
i don't care about you anymore
all i want now is for you to permanently leave my life
good riddance

to an ex boyfriend
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
the first time i held hands with a girl
my heart raced faster
she was my best friend
she came over to my house
we sat outside
under a blanket
and our fingers were intertwined together
back then, i didn't know what sexuality was

the first time i knew i liked a girl
was in 8th grade
she had dark brown hair
then cut it really short
she was so beautiful
it was hard to breathe
it was only a silly little crush

the first time i kissed a girl
was on a dare
we were talking about kissing
and i said
"i've always wanted to kiss a girl"
and so we did
and every time we saw each other
we kissed
it was a fun silly joke

the first girlfriend i ever had lasted only a week
but we held hands at school
and we really liked each other
but i was too afraid

the first time i knew i was really into girls too
was in a grocery store
and a good-looking guy walked past
but i didn't really feel anything
this girl was walking behind him
and she smiled at me
and my heart raced faster than it ever has

the first time i asked a girl out was this year
it didn't end well
but it's not really that hard
to ask a girl
if she likes girls too
and i knew i could do it again

the first time i knew i wanted a girlfriend
wasn't too long ago
i just wish i had the nerve
to ask more girls out
and just have fun
before i started the rest of my life

the first time i knew what sexuality was
i knew there was always something different about me
and i figured it out later on

i'm pansexual. deal with it.
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
It's 6:00
Time to let myself down again
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
to fall asleep writing about you
Art
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
Art
i can already feel your lips against mine
and let me tell you
we will create art every time we touch
lovelywildflower Jan 2019
I keep glancing at the clock
counting down the minutes until I'm in your arms

lovelywildflower Oct 2018
i want you to hold me
and love me
and take care of me
but life always needs to be in the way
but darling, for you, i would fight until my last breath
it's the truth
why?
why would i love you?
i don't know a lot about you
but the things i do know
fit the type of person i've always wanted to marry
and i'm not exactly saying i want to marry you
but i am saying that you may think i'll run
because of the way your life is
but i'm a very strong person
so hit me
if i ever fall for you
then it will be hard to get rid of me
ask anyone who knows me
they will tell you that exact thing
nothing about you
will make me want to run
and i know we'll only ever be a dream
but i'm just telling you
that if i love you
i will love you forever
and i just had to let it out
lovelywildflower Sep 2018
I've been trying to avoid you
to avoid getting hurt
but I can't stay away
even if I'm in pain
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
you were trying to make a joke
someone i barely even know
and you looked at me
expecting me to laugh
but i wasn't paying attention
i did not hear
so i laughed kind of awkwardly
and you kind of frowned
and then looked away
you're the type of person
that makes jokes with everyone
but 'awkward' is my middle name
and i just can't play your game
i'm sorry
i probably made you feel awkward
lovelywildflower Sep 2018
If your mind's wounds were illustrated on your body, what would it look like?

Mine would have broken bones, bruises, and deep cuts strewn everywhere.

But also, stitches and casts to heal them.
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
i can't seem to sleep
your touch lingers on my thoughts
you're always on my mind
collecting all the dust
cleaning out all the bad stuff
it's moving day for us
we've been turning this into something good
if that's really the truth, why am i up so long -
my eyelids like weights
my body like quicksand,
stuck in this place called "you" -
thinking about us and how it could all be so wrong
"never date your ex"
isn't that what they say?
i always tell myself that so why can't i stay away?
i'm stuck in this tidal wave
you're pulling me in
pulling me in
i'm afraid i might be pulled under again, you see
i do not want to drown again
not again
not because of you
honey, if you're going to stay, please just stay for good
why tear down my walls again like you're just chopping up wood
with an ax
right where it hurts the most
and the scary thing is, if you left, it probably wouldn't hurt
it's just a battle on repeat
the same wound again, i'm numb
you can't hurt me anymore
so if you're going to hurt me, just do it
that way, i wouldn't have to peek around every corner
wondering if it's the end of us
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
you were my only reason for living
but then you left
so why am i still living?
why am i not dead?
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
i know i'm not the most perfect daughter
i know all i am is a failure to you
thanks, mom
i really appreciate it
you know, i have no best friends
because of you
i barely talk to one person at school
because i know you won't approve
you know, i'm trying my ******* hardest
but still, you're not proud
i get one bad grade
and you tell me my whole life is ruined
"you better just go throw all your dreams away"
what kind of a parent are you?
you know, i tried to forgive you
a hundred times
but i can't stand it anymore
you're the reason i wanted to **** myself!
you're the reason i wanted to run away!
and you say i'll thank you when i'm older
but no, i won't thank you for these scars on my arms
i will not thank you for making my life hell
as soon as i get out of this place
you're not allowed in my life
i don't want you in it
because of you
my heart breaks every day

please don't tell me it's wrong of me to feel this way
no one knows what i've been through
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
i'm gonna call you "baby"
and tell you all the things
i've been wanting to say to you
who knows how much time we have left
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
i wonder if you still think of me
as i still think of you
we haven't seen each other in a few months
haven't touched each other
haven't looked at each other
haven't talked to each other
i wonder if you remember
any of the unique little things about me
like how i love gas stations
or how i think bumblebees are cute
and how i love the way bruises look
i wonder if you remember the simple things
like my favorite color
or the type of music i like
i sure remember those things about you
maybe i wasn't important or good enough
for you to remember those things
you thought i was weird
but i take that as a compliment
why would i ever want to be with someone
who couldn't handle my weirdness?
we are complete opposites
and yes, it's true
that opposites attract
we saw that from the very beginning
but our relationship was bipolar
a disorder of sorts
at first, we were alright
the magnets inside us were strong
we attracted so well
then we would repel
we had our ups and downs
we would be fine one minute
and fighting the next
it became manic
our love's mental health deteriorated
and the disorder kicked in
in that moment, we were already gone
we would have never survived
the disorder grew
the attractiveness gone
our relationship died
committed suicide
and our love for each other with it
written 8/15/18
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
my blue pen loves to write about you
it just can't get enough
it feels up pages in seconds
with love notes to you
and it keeps wishing
you'll find its creations
and love the things
it says about you
lovelywildflower Apr 2019
the distance is a weight on my shoulders i'm proud to carry
it takes great strength to survive like this
to be apart from the one you love
but still stay by their side

lovelywildflower Oct 2018
i loved you more than i loved myself
so when you left
i was completely shattered
and didn't know what to do
or how to keep breathing
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
the day i learned that you could actually die from a broken heart
i was so confused because i have never felt that pain
how could someone be that sad?
i didn't understand until i met you
and i knew if i lost you
i would die from a broken heart
my heart would stop operating normally
my heart would have no reason to go on
i wouldn't want to go on
i would die
i would actually die
the muscles of my heart would ache
it wouldn't know how to keep working
it would forget how to keep beating
it would forget how to pump blood
i would die without you

lovelywildflower Oct 2018
sometimes i feel like i'm buried treasure bound with bolts and chains
i'm held down in a secret place
waiting for one brave man to go searching deep in this land inside of me
the ship is swaying from the storm in my mind
and the crew grows restless as they try to find the X that marks the spot
again and again disappointment reigns
and there's always one that gives up as it keeps pouring rain
but all i ask for that special one to stay
someone who's willing to join in the fight
to battle and wrestle with my sleepless nights
someone who's there to listen to my thoughts
and to hold me and love me when i cry a lot
someone who's willing to keep searching again
to find that treasure that's meant just for them
and i search for mine as i climb and i climb
until we cross paths and the stars align
and we will have found out buried treasure in time
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
i want to write things on cigarettes
the things that are hurting me
so they burn slowly away
and after i breathe them in
i can breathe them back out
and i can watch the smoke fade away
with all the pain
lovelywildflower Oct 2018
i see so many hands held
and so many lips kissed
so many bodies pulled close
and so many i love you's said
but it's not me
i'm not the person they are with
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
Déjà vu
meaning "already seen"
is a sense of familiarity
like you've done something before
even though it doesn't seem like it
i get it all the time
i've been told i'm a little psychic
which sounds fairly crazy
but déjà vu
is a sign of being psychic
and it happens to me sometimes once a week
it's not every so often
it happens all the time
now it only happens with people
like i've known them in another life
and i get that feeling with him
i've experienced déjà vu
at least three times this week
more times than i ever have
and it's happened ever since we got together
i also get these feelings
like gut feelings
like instinct
but it's something deeper
i can feel when something important is going to happen
and if it's good or bad
like i can tell the future
and every time i get that feeling
something always happens
i get those feelings with him
like i'll love him forever
maybe we really are meant to be
lovelywildflower Jan 2019
I'll dance for you
but you won't see my body moving
you'll just see my pain flowing

lovelywildflower Oct 2018
i have my heart in the palm of my hands
and i'm reaching it out to you
i can feel my heartbeat pulsing within me
and i want you to feel it too
so i'm handing you my heart
please take good care of it
it is now yours
i hope you can hand yours to me
because, you, i absolutely adore
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
how often am i on your mind?
you just happen to be on mine all the time
lovelywildflower Nov 2018
you warm my heart like a cup of tea
on a cold autumn day
your warmth envelopes me
please don't go anytime soon
stay here within me
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