just ******* do it
you obviously want to
so just leave; just go

am i happy? no.
will i soon be happy? no.
just the way it is

how many times have
i said i'm alright but lied?
i'm really not fine.

are we meant to be?
do you feel the same as me?
or is this all wrong?

i just dreamt of you
i forgot what happened, but
i woke up so sad

what did i dream of?
probably you leaving me
it's not the first time

waking up early
in the middle of the night
calling out your name

my heart beat racing
trying to calm myself down
you are here to stay

i woke up crying
i had a dream i lost you
my heart was racing

i thought it was real
woke up to my world ending
i thought i would die

reminding myself
we are okay; we are fine
you are here to stay

i sleep constantly
i'm usually so tired
i am right now, but

i know if i sleep
i will dream of losing you
and please forgive me

but i don't want to
wake up crying again and
feeling my world end

just look at me now
someone afraid of sleeping
something i once loved

i don't want to ache
and wake up crying your name
because i need rest

i would rather die
than to keep dreaming of that
it hurts way too much

so i stay up and
try to remind myself that
you are here to stay

Gloomy afternoon
A final, sad tear whispers
betrayed by the love

i don't want to think
the sad things hurt me too much
this is a cruel world

i do not want this
i just want to be happy
just let me be, please?

i sat in front of the mirror, naked. it's time to love myself. i looked at every inch of my body and picked something out that was great about that spot. i slowly rubbed lotion in circles all over my face and love radiated from my fingertips. i thought of all the compliments people gave me: soft skin, nice eyebrows, beautiful eyes, soft hair that always smells good. i told myself, "no one else is just like you. you are unique. no one else has those amber eyes just like yours. no one else has your soft skin. no one else has that scar under your bottom lip. no one has that tiny hole at the top of your left ear that was there since you were born. no one has the small chip in your front tooth. and you know you've always loved your face. stop listening to those demons. remember all the times you looked in the mirror and smiled at yourself because you felt beautiful." next, i rubbed lotion in circles all over the rest of my body and love radiated from my fingertips. i told myself, "no one else is just like you. you are unique. no one has that beauty mark you love where your right shoulder meets your neck. remember that beauty marks are just angel kisses and that an angel placed two on your skin where your heart is to make it soft and full of love. no one has that birthmark on the right side of your right breast. no one has that birthmark right above your belly button and a little to the right. no one has those same stretchmarks on your *******. it just means you're growing. no one has that trail of beauty marks on your left upper arm that you like to call a constellation. no one has your hands, your favorite part of your body because you just like the way hands look. no one has those same battle scars. they show that you have survived your hardest moments. don't regret them." so i kissed them instead. i kissed that one scar i hate many times, then looked myself in the eyes and said, "i forgive you." i moved down. "no one has those same stretchmarks on your hips. it just means you're growing. no one has those same scars on your thighs. no one has those same bruised knees. no one has the same anything as you." remember when we were younger; we used to look at ourselves in the mirror and we loved ourselves so much, we kissed the mirror to kiss ourselves. well, i'll do the same right now. i looked myself in the eyes and said, "you are beautiful. you are loved. you are lovely. you are exactly the way you're supposed to be. don't let anyone ever change anything about you. i love you. i love you. i love you."

be my knight in shining armor
and battle the demons in my head
show them who's in control
and don't let them win

I know I approached you
And asked you to be mine
And you gladly said yes
Which means I should be fine

But my insecurities rise like smoke
And I fear I won't be good enough
I know that it seems like I have it all together
But darling, I'm really not so tough

I have never been more afraid in my life
How can a girl so beautiful want someone like this?
So full of anxiety and not-so-perfect imperfections
Honey, please help me, I don't want to fall into this abyss

What am I supposed to do about this feeling?
Should I tell you how I feel or should I bury it?
I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid. There's no changing that.
But I just want the fear to ease at least a little bit

I'm scared of love
I'm scared of pain
I'm scared of hurt
I think I'm going insane

Help

here's to ruining everything
here's to being a big **** up
here's to the blood dripping down my arms
here's to my heart breaking
here's to crying in the shower until you're numb
here's to the millions of self-harm scars that will litter my body
here's to my precious blade, i missed you so much
here's to messing up everything in my life
here's to the pain
here's to the hurt
here's to the end of it

here's to people like me
the ones that question everything
like why do you love me? there's nothing great at all
i'm just plain me

the ones that cry in school bathroom stalls
because they have nowhere else to go and hide at all
they can't cry at home because then someone would know
and because no one at school gives a **** if you're about to fall apart

the ones that still dream of hurting themselves
but don't because they're so tired of hurting everyone else
so they put themselves down instead
because that's a form of self-harm, isn't it?

the ones that find love but are too scared to get close
for fear that they will lose every one of their hopes
and you know what, why not just jump right into it?
you're so used to everyone leaving and always tearing you apart

the ones that panic in a crowded room
because they feel like everyone is judging everything they do
and don't look them in the eyes
they don't even like you

the ones that dream of things far away
so out of reach but keeps the pain at bay
and i've only had one dream recently
and it's that you will stay

the ones that get jealous of their love's past relationships
because you loved them enough to do everything with
and maybe i'm not as good as them
so you're probably thinking of them as you're kissing my lips

the ones that have battle scars on their arms
and that's not something you can compare to the stars
it's all broken glass and heartbreak
not something worthy of being called art

the ones that push people away before you get too attached
because once they leave it is hard to detach
so stay in one place until they leave you alone
because it's just easier not to push too fast

the ones that destroy themselves when they're hurt
because i must have done something wrong and that's what i deserve
so you put yourself down and hurt until you bleed
but it still doesn't bring you any comfort

the ones that have so much more to say
but this poem would be too long with all the words about my pain
so i'll just leave it as it is now
and leave some of my hurt on display

lately i've been wanting someone
to just punch me
hit me across the face as hard as they possibly can
make me bleed
make me bruise
make me hurt
don't ask why
i don't really know
but i think it's because i want to numb the pain inside me
with something like that
and if someone else is doing it
then it's not self harm right?

hold me like i'm falling apart
because well, i am

i'm holding on as tight as i possibly can
please don't slip through my fingers

a lack of sleep
can alter your brain
change your mood
leave you depressed
so i think that's why i've been sad lately
and i think that's why
that fear crept up in the back of my mind
not about anyone else
it's about me
and it's a fear
that is too scary to even say out loud
or write down on paper
i just hope the lack of sleep
is causing it
and it's not the truth

A hopeless romantic
afraid of love.
How can this be?

You know the feeling
when you're laughing so hard
you can't breathe
and your stomach hurts
and there's tears in your eyes?
I haven't felt that in the longest time.
Sure
I've laughed and had fun
But never like that
Not anymore

i'm usually a happy, bubbly person
who will walk you to your class
even if mine is on the other side of the school
but when i don't do that
it means i feel weak and tired
i can't walk without making people angry behind me
i walk too slow
there's no energy inside me
to move my bones

I'm usually a happy, bubbly person
who will try to make you laugh
and get over-excited talking about things
but when i don't say any words at all
it means i'm thinking too much
focusing on my thoughts
and not the sounds that should be coming out

i'm usually a happy, bubbly person
who will be smiling 24/7
and laughing at everything
but when there's a frown plastered on my face
it means my low feelings have risen above the high ones
and it is all i can feel
no matter how much you try to make me laugh

i'm usually a happy, bubbly person
who would skip down the hallways
and dance around my friends
but when i'm just walking and not doing anything
it means i don't have the enthusiasm to do those things
and it hasn't shown up for awhile
no matter what i do to try to revive it

i'm usually a happy, bubbly person
but when i'm upset
you would probably tell how upset i am

I smiled like I always do
But it didn't feel real
I couldn't feel the passion of happiness behind it
I couldn't feel anything
Not a thing

i am so afraid of losing you
that it's making me sick

Go ahead and break me
I don't care
Go ahead and hurt me
I don't care
Because I'm so used to the pain
And things not going my way
The universe is not on my side
The odds are not in my favor
Never has been
Never will
It's just the way my life goes
So, please, just hurt me
Because at least you'll be happy after
That's all I've ever wanted
For you to be happy
And that won't be with me
So just go ahead and leave
I don't care

i've been thinking for awhile now
im not really sure what i feel anymore
do i even feel anything at all?
my heart is as bare as a cloudless sky
there's nothing else there
i still love you
trust me, i do
but to feel anything else
is unfathomable for now
i don't know where my emotions have run off to

Nature used to make me happy
I was sitting there in the grass
The sun shining on me
Making my skin warm and my hair shine
I watched insects make circles around plants
and I watched a baby mouse run through the yard
When do you get to see that?
A baby mouse in the yard the same time you're there
That's the kind of thing that make me happy
The little things like that
And I love the sun
The sun is my best friend
It's inside me
I think the sun is burning out
That is so unfathomable, right?
The sun burning out
Well, now you know what it's like to be me
The word "depression" was banned from this dictionary long ago
I replaced it with happiness
But I think someone is trying to put it in again
I used to feel at peace with myself
when I'm sitting in a place like that
And I was
I was at peace
But this time there was a bit of pain hidden underneath
I could feel it
Where did it come from?
It's not supposed to be this way
I can't go through this again
I don't know what's wrong
I don't think I'm strong enough to fight this right now
Oh God help me

you talked to me just now
after weeks of pretending i didn't exist
you asked me if i am okay
i am
don't worry about me
"you look upset"
trust me
i'm not
stop acting like you care
i haven't looked into your eyes
since the day you broke up with me
you held out your arms
like you were waiting for a hug
but i just looked down instead
i told you i had to go
and you hesitated
then decided to walk with me
i thought we were strangers
but talking to you was still so easy
we went our different ways
and you said we'll talk later
no please don't say that
i know you better than anybody
every time you come back like this
it means you're trying to pull me in again
you won't succeed
you treated me like ****
but i still loved you
and there's always going to be
a small fraction of my heart
that still loves you
you were my first everything
my first real relationship
my first kiss
but it doesn't mean i want you back
i don't love you anymore