I didn't want to send you pictures of my body
Naked and vulnerable
I told you no
You say please
I say no
You get angry
How dare I not fold like paper under your command
"You're just a little ****" you say
You called me a **** for not wanting to strip for you
You called me a **** because I did not let you control me
I am not a ****
I am not your puppet
Don't whisper these lies into my ear after tearing me apart with just your words
Don't tell me you're sorry
You meant what you said

You tell me you don't want a relationship
I'm okay with that
If you don't want a relationship why do you treat me as if we're dating?
You tell me you love me
You tell me good morning, good night
We talk on the phone for hours on a daily basis
You get jealous if another guy flirts with me
You want to meet my parents
But when I ask why you're acting like this you just change the subject
You are giving me mixed signals
Messing with my emotions
You had a dream we were dating and you said you liked it
But you don't want a relationship
What are we doing anymore?
Maybe you're scared I'll hurt you like the other girls?
Maybe I'm just overthinking?
I can't handle these mixed signals...

You hold her
You kiss her
You pretend to care
You listen
You tell her you want to be with her
You have *** with her best friend.

Never will our hands meet
Bare skin on bare skin
Never will our lips meet
Our love formed over early morning texts and late night calls
Never will our eyes meet through anything more than a phone screen
Speaking of meeting brings disappointment
Hating every inch in between us
Jealous of all close to the other

Day by day
Year by year
We are told to keep smiling
Colon Right Parentheses
Everything will be OK if we just smile
As if all the physical and emotional pain will just disappear with a smile
"BEING SAD IS OKAY!!" as long as no one sees you cry
"Don't be such a baby!"
We are forced to keep all of our negativity locked away
Making it grow stronger and stronger until we become bitter and cold
Killing us from the inside

I barely recognize myself anymore
When I was young I knew what I wanted when I grew up
Am I even growing anymore?
I feel stuck
I can't breathe here anymore
I've become too large for this small town
How will I get out without the brains or the talent to do it?
Am I here for a reason?
What is my life supposed to look like?
I feel like I've made a wrong turn in the universe
My heart is somewhere else and I can't find it
It left without saying goodbye
Where am I meant to end up?
How am I supposed to get there?
Why am I going through these things?
Do I even matter anymore?
Have I done all I can for this world and now am I just waiting for death?

You will be hurt
You will cry over boys that don't even deserve a glance from you
At some points, you'll wonder why you're still alive
You'll lose friends you thought were going to stay forever
You're going to try to push everyone away and only the people who really love you will stay
You're going to go through hell and back
You'll fall in love with people who leave
You'll break hearts
You will find you are so much stronger than you or anyone thought
You'll have amazing experiences
You'll become friends with the best people in the world
You'll be glad you survived everything you have
I promise its worth it and I wouldn't change a thing

"I am worried about you"
      "Don't be I'm fine I promise"
"Please just talk to me"
      "I'll text you tomorrow"
"Okay.. I love you"
     "I love you more"
That was the last conversation I had with my best friend before he attempted suicide. He lives across the country and is currently getting help in a mental hospital. If you're thinking about suicide, please stop. Someone cares about you, I promise.

Everyone can say they love you
Not everyone actually loves you
Love is something all humans know of
Love is something we live by
We write, sing, talk, type, paint, draw, craft, cook, sculpt: LOVE
But why do we insist on wanting something that hurts so bad?

He doesn't care about you
If he cared he wouldn't lie
He wouldn't blow you off last minute
He wouldn't be okay with all the pain he's made you feel
If he cared he'd let you know
He'd give you a straight answer if you asked
He wouldn't respond with "I don't really know what I care about"
He'd talk to you for conversation, not ***
Stop lying to yourself
You deserve better than this

"I want a relationship."
   "I do too. I want one with you."
"Oh, I said I wanted a relationship but not with you"
   "I mean I guess that's fine... Can I ask why?"
opens with no response
   "I won't get mad or anything..."
opens with no response





I guess I wasn't as important to you as you said I was.

What if alpacas are a hairy type of land fish?
If the moon is made of cheese does that mean space cows are really a thing?
Why do people say give things time when everything significant thing that happens does so in a moment?
What if the government assigned famous people before they were famous and that's why a lot aren't really talented?
Why do schools promote sleep and extracurriculars then give you so much homework you don't have time to do anything else?
Why does "I love you" not mean anything anymore?
Is it normal to ask so many questions?
Is normal even a thing?
Which religion is true and how do we know?
What if mentally ill people just see the world as it is and they're medication is just to keep a secret?
Who is actually reading all of this?
Why are we living if the world is just going to be engulfed by the sun's explosion or our own nuclear warfare?
Why do most girls sing breakup songs and most guys sing love songs?

There is a level between friends and dating
The median is a confusing area
You both like each other and you act like you're dating
But you aren't
From what I've discovered it's exactly like dating but without the title
"Talking" to more than more than one person would be bad
But you aren't dating
You get them gifts and maybe even say you love them
But it's just talking
It's like a trial run for the relationship
Because going ahead and having a relationship would be too much

From the moment I saw you
I knew we'd be something real
I knew you'd be the one I'd want to grow old with
I love you
You treat me as if I'm the only girl in the world
You're my king and I'm your queen
I'm in love with you
When I'm with you I smile so much my face hurts
But I'm scared
Everyone is saying you'll just break my heart
I don't want to believe them
But I just wonder if they're right
And they were.

As I go through life I discover that nothing I have ever done is original
That's not necessarily bad but it is a little heartbreaking
I've always wanted to be special, different, important
I'm just like everyone else though
When I was younger, even now, people don't know me for me
They know me for my family
I wanted to be known for myself
I'm growing to realize that doesn't even matter
The opinions I should really value are okay with my lack of originality and love me all the same

I'm sorry that I'm not everything you wanted me to be
I'm sorry I'm not more like my sister
I understand that you like to be in full control
When you don't have control you get angry and take it out on me
You find all my flaws
You magnify them so your's look smaller
I miss the mom from 8 years ago
You have the same body but its not the same person
You're bitter now
But only towards me
Is it because I remind you of my father?
The man that abused and cheated on you
What did I do at 7 years old that made you hate me so much?
I think of what used to be and all I can do is cry
You say I'm an attention ***** and well, just a ***** in general
You don't like how my views aren't identical to yours
You don't like how I dress
You don't like my friends
But mom, I still love you
Even if you hate me

What if all the colors we see are wrong?
What if there is not a difference in skin color or a rainbow?
What if our brain makes up what we see so the world will seem less dull?
What if God is a scientist and our universe is simply an experiment?
What if the air we breath is like water and when people go missing it's because a greater being went fishing and the people who were abducted were just caught and sent back?
What if our lives are just an illusion and we're somewhere in a test tube?
What if extras in movies cause everything that happens in the main character's life?
What if we all die tomorrow?
What if we all live tomorrow?

Not many people notice me.
The ones that do wish bad things for me.
I am alone.

I talk to a few friends.
But you can't really call them "friends" if they only feel bad for you.
I am alone.

My mother talks as if I'm a burden she is forced to carry.
My father only stays because if he left it would hurt the reputation he has worked so hard for.
My sister acts like I am an insufficient speck of matter.
I am alone.

When a boy gives me attention, I ruin it by loving the feeling too much.
I talk too much.
I laugh too much.
Then they leave me for the next girl.
I am alone.

Sometimes I am sad.
I am so sad I see no reason to breathe.
People don't like sad so I put on a happy face with the hope that one day I can say "I am not alone"

I have a lot to say in most moments
The words just don't decide to appear until the moment is over
I'm quite the conversationist when I get a few words out
But I freeze in large groups
I can never seem to find the right time to speak