i hate the cold
when you're not there for me to hold

i hate the wind
unless its willing your ship back in

i hate the snow
the chill reminding me of past memories
for which i'm far too old

i hate the sun
the way it blinds me
the way it hides behind the clouds like a child

i hate the spring breeze
how it carries those leaves
how lighthearted it seems
i can hear it laughing at me

i hate the sleet and the hail
they remind me of how
i can never make up my mind
or decide who it is i want to be
whenever i step outside

i hate the moon at night
who simply borrows its light
just like i borrow your time

oh, but i love the rain
more than anything
i love the rain
the way it sings sweet songs to me
the echo of the thunder
the pause between the lightning
like waiting for that one last kiss
the way the streets look
how the pavement seems to radiate
i love the feeling i get
falling along with the rain
pouring myself out
feeling myself circle around the drain
i love the way it weighs down my hair
leaves my clothes heavy and wet
being reminded of how little i am
how little i mean
how i am but one drop
in torrents of rain
flowing into that great ocean
from which we all came

so you can have all your seasons
you can have hail, sleet and snow
you can bask in the sunlight
or hide, with your head in the clouds
breath in the cool breezes
or the cold wind that blows
take shelter from those cold nights
dance under the moonlight that glows
but whatever you do
i ask one simple favor from you

leave me the rain

please leave me the rain.

im really sorry that even though you tell me im perfect
but then again only as we are kissing
and perfect does not exist
here i go again off the train of thought
my thoughts are more like minefields
i was going to express my remorse
my sorrow
for never being enough
for my lack of what you call sanity
and what i call ignorance
this was supposed to be an apology
for never telling you when or why
or how or even what
it was that kept me a mess
a crazy swirl of nothingness and tired breaths
it was you that caused me to think of our doubts that day
you made my existence seem not quite there
i know this letter is going nowhere
but i wrote it anyway

sleep
sleep
at least youre not awake
but you dream
of the darkest lights
illuminating all of your fears
lost throughout the years

arms wrapped around me
as neon crimson floats through the air
crowd swaying back and forth
fain smell of cigarettes and liquor
beer spilt on the venue floor
sticky beneath our feet
i lost an earring
i can't remember why i was so upset

embracing

that is what i miss the most

who do i have to embrace now

what embraces me now
but silence?

soft water
hard stone

tender heart but wild and over grown

maybe one day
ill learn to let go

the world is not spinning
its spiraling
d
     o
        w
            n
our spirits go
         p
     u
but its never enough

im in love with the way
your hands
they shake
when you pass the last cigarette

in love with how
it took you so long to come my way

the way you take your time
to find what's right

im in love with the way
you take what's yours
without apologies
or tainted words

the way even the back of your hands
smell like a home i'll never have

the way the entirety of the cosmos
fit themselves so kindly in your eyes

how the joy of summer's first sun-rays
washes over me with your laugh

the way Sundays just aren't so lonely
when i know you're the Monday that comes next

i love the taste of cigarettes
coming from your lips

the lips that open me up like you're giving me new life

i love the way i feel no pain
i love the way you feel like the rain
you cleanse me of my sin
and you help me begin
to see my life as something more precious
i love the way my reflection
isn't quite as disconcerting
when i see you in the mirror too

i love the way my soul starts to leave my body
to be a little closer to you

i love the way that music sounds different

i love the way it feels
to know someone like you is real

and the terror at thinking
that this is not

that this is just a notion
and i'm just here
like drift wood floating in the ocean

i love the way you can't be fixed
to anyone's idea of what this is

i love the way your voice feels
like a summer's sweet breeze
drifting through the doorway

i hate the way i miss you
because you're not mine to miss

i hate the way i kiss you
knowing i can't own this sweet bliss

i hate the way i feel you
in every guitar string i pick

the way i smell you here
even when you're somewhere else

the way you stay in my mind
like memories stained stronger
than spilt red wine

i love the way my vision has changed
everything looks different with you

minutes become seconds and years become days
i love the way you keep me
in a sublime haze

and god how it stuns me
that somehow
someway
it took you so long to learn to love yourself

you look like an island
like shelter from a storm

i love the way
all i need is your gaze
to make me feel warm

and the way you still walk me home
even though it's not home to me

i hate the way i can't have you
never should and never could
and i know i don't need more
and i don't deserve more

i know it would all fall apart
and i know it's a waste of time
trying to turn water to wine

i know i don't want to make this real
i know already know how this ends
but i wish there was a way
to bottle you up
to save for the day
when this is all just pictures in my brain
playing like an old movie
soundtrack i can't get out of my head
subtitles in a language i no longer speak

negatives held up to the sun
blurry and incoherent
like my thoughts when you're around

but beautiful pictures
like people
find their way to the light
you develop me like a picture portrait
of someone you'll soon say you used to know
and i'm just a fool who is grateful
for having been able to sit in on your show

but i'll stay in the back
and i'll leave before the credits start to roll
so when the curtains close
i won't have to watch you go

save the wrappers
of discarded loves
dreams departed
long gone hopes
collect them all
brush them together with a sweep of your hand
pick them up off of the filthy tiled floor
of your lonely one-bedroom apartment
and take the last train
sit in the last car
in the last seat
alone
in a city filled with people
and step out
and climb up into the maze of streets and lights and sounds
in the middle of the morning night
wake to the chilling air
and breathe
and breathe

i do not believe in soul mates
however souls, i put all my faith in
i do not believe in love at first sight
which is convenient considering i cannot manage to remember when i first saw you.
i do not believe in true love
however there are many loves that are true
i do not believe in perfection
however i love every inch of you
even the parts that i hate
even the parts i do not believe in
i do not want to be naive
i do not want to be cracked open
i do not want to be known
yet i'd say anything, do anything
im as impulsive as the storms that rage outside my window
i think of you
i think of doubts
i do my best not to think
if you were here then i couldn't

i want the deepest ocean
it's all thats compatible with me
and the cities craze
the way i spend my days
looking up
and denying this reality
the wild's breath
breathing on my neck
i shudder
i grasp the lonely hand
the love i can't gain
from any mortal man
the giving spirit
set me free
and so i remain
with the sea

silence won't let me sleep
though the screaming will never cease
its a welcome sound
the quiet
leaves
to much room
for my thoughts to go round

that's what you are
a spirit
haunting every square inch
of this aching body
every breath i release
is stolen by you
every word whispered
you hear
you don't leave my mind
won't leave my brain
seeping through my skin
staining my sheets
why can't i breathe
when it's your face i see

i guess the real question is
why do i love you so
when i know
oh god do i know
that you'll never love me back

i know
as each moment passes
that i move farther and farther
outside your mind
when i am stuck
with the image of those eyes
the taste of those lips
the feeling of your hands
rough
but so gentle

you're the storm with no warning
you're a red sky in the morning

but i'm that one dumb sailor
jumping straight in the ocean
i tore my ropes off
to listen to the sirens' sound

i'd gladly tear my heart
to make the room for you to stay
but i know
you wouldn't

you'd look on
with pity and regret
wondering how you let me get so close
how silly must i be
to think someone like you
would ever love
someone like me

maybe the flowers will bloom
she spoke
but flowers die
i kept silent
i saw them wilting
and felt
their rough, dry leaves
crackling and cracking
like stale bones left from ***** bodies in the soil
they remain
next year
she said
next year we will get better rain
to wash away the tears i thought
i thought
i thought you were better
she sighed
i knew there was no better
life is hopeful
life is worth it
i know
but no one knows. Anything.
is it a flower or a ****
she asks
who are we to say
i am a root in the way
where you want daisies
i destroy the ground
i block the way
dig me out
dig me out

i used to imagine. all the cities in the world. and i used to imagine all the people who lived in them. and i used to imagine me with them.
i used to imagine all the wild places alive. and what i would do when i met them.
i used to imagine
i used to believe in everything.
but then again that is nothing. all that's real isn't true.
i used to believe i could fly away. i would wait for the day my wings grew. i used to believe.
i once thought the universe went on forever. to infinity it never stopped. now all i see is this white-walled room. and the dreams which i have dropped. like pennies they spill out of my pockets. where wishfully they were deserted.
i once hoped that we could be honest. i hoped that we'd breathe in the atmosphere. and not choke on the lies.
i once hoped

you can feel every pound
every inch of fat
every pore
each out of place hair
yet you cannot feel the love shared or the depth of the ocean as you sink
stop to see the beauty of it
come up
breathe

the way the sun hits
warming up my soul
ashes floating down pass my feet

your lips are like that
first breath in
fresh first fleeting
hit from that first cigarette
wishing you were my first
knowing you can’t be my last

the smell of new pavement
streets after a rain
feeling cool and warm
hot and cold
dizzy
raindrops on my skin
as welcome and unexpected
as your waning grin
as shocking
as the first time you kissed me

hands on my skin
my skin
my skin

blood runs thicker than water

but they don't mention
blood that's like a poison
infection passing through your veins
parasites are hard to evade
when they're part of your DNA

so we drink fresh water
keep gulping it down
until we drown in it
cleanse my lungs of this thick black smoke

family is not always a refuge but a dungeon

if i am but a body
and you are just a name
and all this time is borrowed
and we know not from where we came
we claim to be owners of wisdom
and write down mortal facts
to where will this journey end
and all these minds the same
only we are here
ourselves
alone to win the game
do not focus on the next
but on the current wave
hope for insanity
for through it we will pave
the truth to no society
and joy thats brought from pain

do you believe in god?

funny how it sounds like asking
if you believe in magic

when you were a kid it was a given
now we are not so sure

do you believe in heaven?
or is this place the reality?

do you believe in life after death?

are those taken from us just waiting for us to come back to them?

do you believe in god?
is she who we thought she was?

do you believe in god?
or the power of humanity?
why have those become mutually exclusive?

do you believe in responsibility?
or has faith taken that from you?

do you believe in prayer?
worship at the altar?
robes and crowns? kneeling and bowing down?

or do you believe it is within you?
silent, personal, private

do we need a building
ornate and magnificent?
to prove our innocence?

or do we need only ourselves
our hearts alone with god

i don't need a book
telling me what to be
i don't need a circle of men
to tell me when to breathe

i don't need stained glass windows
to make me see the light

no scrolls or ancient articles
to tell me what is right

my spirit is the one
that leads me to prayer at night

my god doesn't hate
doesn't reward evil with spite
my god doesn't create love
just to punish those who practice it

my god doesn't abide by labels
or care who you go to bed with at night

my god doesn't need you
to play the saint
only when the spotlight's on you
my god
sees through the facade

my god
is my god

my body has no desire to stand tall
my shoulder slump
i bend farther and farther
stretching down towards the mud
my soul slides down
i sink in the dirt
my hands grasp the ground
my heart continues to pound
without you there is no where to go
my body decays in this soil
weeds will grow
this flower you bred
it is withered but not dead
i cant let go of this hope
as my remains move down
this dark desert *****
this graveyard of bones
dry and cracked
memories wont leave me alone
why do i say goodbye to the ones i love
and chase after comets that have passed by years ago
while the fire is burning
i will carry my heart through
the flame and the hellfire
to get to you
but why when i knock
you always are gone
so i knock
still i call
my fists meet that door
till my knuckles are cracked
and broken and bruised
my eyes bleed hot raindrops of fear
of this emptiness that fills
and this loneliness that kills
in a room filled with people
i only saw you
in a room filled with friends
im a stranger
brand new
im too unpretty
too kind
too bitter and too deep in my own mind
i feel fat with this laziness
unwillingness to grow
i just want to drift away forever
or at least until the snow
freezes over this ground
where those weeds are found
so i never again can grow
so i never again can hope
oh who the hell knows
just hold me again
and then i can go
peacefully ill leave
but your heart i do need
oh your blood i do bleed

i love you the way it hurts
the way it cuts me
further than a knife
i watch the blood
blackened with lust
seeping with envy
all the vices
poison in my veins
i feel you coursing through them
like a drug
going straight to my brain
like the bourbon we once drank
that late night in the city
street lights blinking
and you called me pretty
and part of me died right then and there
knowing that you’d never be mine
mine
that’s all i want
i need it more than i need the air
that i’ve been struggling to breathe
i need to tell you those three words
instead you watch as they strangle me
if only you knew
do you know?
am i fool for assuming your ignorance?
are you blind to my bleeding heart
has my blood not stained the earth enough?
nor your sheets that we lay in?
have my lips not whispered a thousand little things
words phrased perfectly to say
everything but i love you
but god how i love you
how i ache to feel it from you
but i’ll keep on giving
my body and my soul
hoping that one day
i’ll reap what i sow

- - - - - - - - - - -

how can you not see this?
isn’t it cruel to watch me do this
to torture myself so
to beg for love and affection
yes i know i get your attention
but love that’s a burden isn’t love
asking for your time isn’t love
i need no conditions
no terms of agreement
i want crazy endless love
i want to be blinded in imperfection
i want you
all of you
i’d give a hundred years
to spend one more night beside you
i’d breathe my last breath
dying to hear you call me
that sacred name
that beautiful perfect name
i’d give anything
just say that i’m yours

i could feel
the winds throughout the desert
but so am i like the changing gusts and tempests  
just as the blossoms once felt their petals fall away
when they wilted old and fragile in the fray
but now the leaves are calling out as they are whisked onward
my wayward miracles of life
and yet still i ponder
my life to wander
through those pebbles of time
for sand is far too fine
though these tears of mine
may be dried like summers sweet wine
on your lips
taken into that callous mouth of yours
which knows only how to spit words out
so vile to be heard
as i sit here yet again, unperturbed
for any emotion in this world
is absurd

anarchy
anarchy in my bones*
screaming flesh
red fire in my soul
the waves of anger
roll straight off my back
but the fear
it remains
soaked in blood it flows through my head

and i cant help but wonder
to myself as i hide my eyes behind my scarf
******* past my throat
because im long past strangled by your words
red claw marks taint my wrists, final wound cut by your sharp glances
your eyes capturing my soul
my thoughts lost in this eternal sea
of hopeless falling and rising
just to be knocked
down by the waves of the syllables
flowing from your lips
always hinting at a sad smile
your crooked grin endlessly in this mind
that aches to hear my name spring from your tongue
to see your hands held in fists
hidden beneath this ground
your voice cracking like the sidewalk in spring
your eyes flowing tears like the leaky faucet keeping me up at night
or is it the perpetual notion
that lovers are as common
as salt in the ocean
and true love is nothing but broken
promises and dreams
it's just as it seems
endless and seamless
if nothing is there it cannot be stopped

why is it that when you let yourself get attached
you feel more as if you are letting go
loosening your grip on your heart
is like loosening your hold on the edge of a cliff
hanging off the mountain that was built up of all your fears
when he says he loves me, they are just words
when he says im beautiful, he must not be looking hard enough
when he holds you
you remind yourself, you may never be held again
for his soft hands are too weak, too small
to possibly be able to lift you up
if you fall
when you fall
when you fall you'll catch yourself halfway down

i know you look at yourself
and see years of desperate shame and avoidance
despair pooling in your eyes
regret slipping out of your mouth
through clenched teeth
which match your fists
you believe you are an unnatural disaster
you are a casualty of a ruthless life
you are a flower
blooming in the middle of winter
in the darkest storm.
you could be falling
and still find time to catch me on your way down
if you were drowning you would give away your last breath to a stranger
simply because you saw them smiling as you sunk down deeper and deeper
remember, to catch yourself first
remember to catch your breath first
remember yourself

the bitterness of this night is all too perfectly compatible with
the lack of warmth in my smile
the taste of your disdain and indifference has become a familiar sensation
i want the memories to be more than just obsolete pasts
i wish to gain my life
to write my story without having the demons decipher it for me

and it only occurred to you upon glancing at yourself today
how lonely it feels
hands pressed against your body this way
tide shifting to move mountains
to let your latest current through

hip bones
thighs
the infrequent sighs

signs of some meaning to come

once the other hand has won
then is it time for you to run?

come down from your mountain top
where heaven's always too late

climb out of that hole
the one you dug with your own hands

come taste the moonlight
feel the dew like cool sunshine
sink into your skin

breathe in the breeze

let this wilderness seep in

and i love you
and thats all i know
and the pain
i know that too
of my mind aching as it thinks of you
the ease of doubt
sinking deeper down
an anchor
you, my sail
take me away
take me away

thoughts cram themselves once more tonight
of all failures and doubts
pain and tears
scars
some are mine some are others
but my soul feels them all the same
in my head, my hope has been dead
but i've learned to revive myself
i wish i held the power to heal all of their wounds
but i do not believe in wishes
however i do believe in change
and dreams
dreams are lovely
lovely partners to nightmares
life is a lovely partner to death
which i do not believe in either

you ask me why i've never written of you
the truth;
i keep trying to write poetry about you
but i've never been one for sharing
and i think i want to keep you to myself
and since these words
belong to the world
i wouldn't write about  you
even if i could find the words
i wouldn't
i would leave the comparisons of your eyes to the cosmos
locked in my mind
the metaphors of you and your laughter
the personification of your smile
all of it inside
so you could be only mine

i think i shall never see
again the day of only sun
i think the ocean in which i stand
to help wash away the fears
will continue to erode till there's barely even sand
and the mountain i climbed
each year will shrink
till the view is no greater than out the window
of the skyscraper
the birds will choke
on the politicians smoke
from the cigarette he stole
and all the lies we sold
will pile up on top of one another
and the world will soon lie still
and the noise will soon fade out
and the silence will ring
as we start again

it is in this infernal darkness
which i find myself in so often
that i ponder the existence of this life in which i wander
meandering from one cavern to the next
nothing but hollow walls
their empty calls
those young callow innocents
they are the ones to be tainted
this world is not forgiving
yet you keep on living
and giving to me this sense of calm
when all this earth is a twisting storm
my mind
it battles
within its self
this daily eternity which i face in the gray
to you i exhort
the peace of the heart
i trap my own in words infertile
growing nothing but barren waste
the words i say are made in haste
you
you are the only taste
which can sanctify these lips of mine
your breath on my neck
the only one which sends shivers down my coiled spin
and at last i find
my ties that bind
are wound around my own hands
i hold the key to my own survival
selfishly i brandish the lies
my forever denial
i have forsaken
all
which i have taken, so much
these pill cannot cure
the disease in this world
maybe they'll stop the pain
yet the only refuge i find
is when hearing you speak my name

y o u


y for yearning

seeing your face and waiting for you to turn
the warm air before your lips reach mine
the feeling which went to my head like old wine

the taste of mint and bitter-sweetness
like the smell of you wafting over me
the pressure of your body on top of me

once it was comforting
it made me strong
then suddenly suffocating

like breath to a flame
you built me higher
then blew me out

yearning

the burning heat in my chest
the feeling of two bodies
inches apart
the strain to eliminate any distance
till you're so close
like atoms colliding
molecules combining

how long until we became an element of our own

unstable and erratic
incredible in concept
but unattainable in context


o for open road

paths that keep winding
sun streams that come in blinding

signs we keep ignoring
pretending not to mind the final destination

just keep making right turns
until our favorite song ends

we couldn't see what was creeping up behind us

i guess that's why they call it a blind-spot


open road

driving so fast it feels like we're racing the sun

driving home
listening to our song alone

learning new ways to get past that old spot
paying attention to every sign
ignoring that song, when it finally comes on

  

u for undoing

unwinding the memories
unreeling the spool of time
the ball of yarn we built up
layers of knotty yellow and red
untying the tether
that kept my heart hanging
when you broke the chain
connecting whats yours to mine

like thick rain pouring down
streams pooling into rivers as they flow down the mountain
being in love is like drinking the poison
letting the sickness seep into your veins
feelings your organs change
as your heart starts beating for more than one body
as your soul starts sharing itself with another

falling out of love is different
maybe that's because i was pushed

leaving you behind is like closing your eyes
try not to peek but the sense of urgency is creeping
i cover them but everytime i blink
i see you standing there
i see us dancing through this pain

i see your face start to strain
as you realize im never going to change
as you realize you can't stay

i see your name
in street signs
hear your voice as im switching trains
i feel your breath on my neck
as i board the subway
smell your skin on my sheets right before doing my laundry

i sense your need for change
endless chasing of timelines

i wish i could see how it'd end
if things had gone different
i wish i could see how i'd begin
to be what i've been missing

i remember the good times
the laughs and the kisses
surprise trips to the beach
locked hands and biting teeth

i remember the passion
insane
red hot like a furnace
i should have learned to stay away from the flames

oh but how i loved that slow burn

but your path had to turn

and now i feel traces of you
endless skies dotted red across blue

i want to forget your face
every inch of my body you traced

i need to lose track of the memories
i need to remember the bad

all the tears and the fights
all the goodbyes and let goes
those times i felt us die
even before you told me to go

i guess its easier to think of all the things that went right
because letting go of the past is like saying goodnight
without knowing if there will ever be the morning light

i guess this is me admitting
that i didn't get over you

i just kept moving through
the endless highways of you

to reach the final destination
of me being whole
without you

wherever you are
when you're near you are far
off in a distant place
somewhere with someone
someone who could possibly put a smile on your weathered face
the one that glares at me and rejects embrace
i hope you notice the quickening of my pace
my heart beat that races
while you are away
in distant places