I wonder if clouds know they're beautiful
When they sit and watch from the the sky

I wonder if they know how dangerous and threatening they are
When thunder cries out

I wonder if they know how they turn colors
When the sun hits them just right

I walk to work wondering if they know

I wish I could live up there with them
I could be puffy and white

And no one would say anything
Because that's how clouds are

I wish I could reflect the sun
But only be full of rain

If I was full of rain
I wouldn't be full of emotion

Clouds don't become angry
Or sad

Clouds don't fall in love
And realize their love wasn't real

I wonder if clouds know how truly breath-taking they are

If I could stay and lay on the grass all day
And watch them

I would

I've driven through clouds once
It was like a dream

I pulled over and felt the fleeting puffs wisp by
I felt the rain wet my skin

I felt the cold penetrate my clothes
I felt the wind tangle my hair

And most of all
I felt the thrill of being in the clouds

I wonder if they thought of me as beautiful
As much as I saw them that way

It's funny how love is so complicated
Only because of how simple it is

Love complicates our situations
But because of this love, you're delighted to change

Things are exciting again

I can't sleep at night
I'm not in love
I swear
It's just flirting right?

It's just mindless questions


And cute texts

...

And pictures of hearts

*****

Countless times have people asked,
Why are we here?

And still
the universe refuses to answer,

never acknowledging the simplistic question
being shouted from tiny voices.

People pray to know
what their purpose is or if there is a purpose.

Demanding an answer to the misfortune that happens.

But the universe stares coldly at the world,
never uttering a single sound.

And why should it?

Why should such a grandiose power
answer people who will die in the blink of an eye
to never change or influence the course of life
and yet people continue to shout
asking and demanding for an answer or a sign.

Nothing changes and the world continues to spin.

The universe continues creating without reason.

Spawning life from the palm of its hand.

Porcelain dolls
perfection in every pore
my imagined self is flawless
and I truly feel that way
around you
so perfect that I think I can be with the A-listers
deny a prince
and kiss a king

For some reason people don't understand humanity
they find it disgusting
greedy
corrupted
impure
but how dare they praise faults
instead of glorifying the good
the kindness
the warmth
the love
so much love surrounds humanity
and i feel it everyday

I didn't take you back
just to be treated
the same
*******
way
AGAIN

I don't want to be second
I don't want to be taken for granted
I want you to put my love on top

You are everything to me
Why can't I be everything to you?

Biting my tongue was a problem for me as a child
Holding back the words
that I so desperately wanted to say
screaming on the inside
but politely whispering on the outside

As I grew into an awkward
fumbling
naive girl
I hated my passive lips
and ever silent throat

It was when I was confronted
only a timid lion cub thrown into a fight
that I grew my roar
and learned that my bite was worse
than my growl

Now ask me anything
tell me what you think
say what you really feel
and only expect the same in return
and don't be surprised by the poison that drips from my tongue

My saliva can infect wounds
and my teeth carry the venom of a thousand snakes
With lips so sweet
and smile so bright
It's camouflage for the beast hidden underneath

So keep running your mouth
let those slippery words flow through your mouth
but let me warn you


I don't need you
or your facade
A beast hides under these doe eyes
and it's more sinister
than the most poisonous snake

Words that weigh
cause migraines
and I can't remember the words you said to me
the ones that haunt me like
a killer with a knife
I remember the feelings though
the pain that sliced my young heart
I became really good at letting it go
just brushing it off my shoulder
shoving it down deep in my soul
but now as I keep saying what I feel
the suppressed feelings are coming to surface

Emptying the closet of insults
only reveals the darkest ones at the bottom
and your name is marked on all of them
and I can't help but get teary remembering them
holding myself as I close the door
a little girl shouldn't have to hear that
shouldn't have to worry about her hair
the way she dressed
the way she talked
the way she stuttered
why didn't you love me?
why did you pick on me?
you showed love and affection to everyone else
people refused to think we were related
because of how socially inept i was
couldn't you see that i was lost?
looking for you to grab onto me and hold me
to tell me how beautiful i looked
just being me?
but instead
you pulled my hair
and ripped my clothes
threw out my favorite overalls

Sometimes you would rub my back
and call me sweet sarah
you would make me feel loved
and how loved i felt
i wanted those moments to last forever
and in my mind they do
when i'm sad
it's those times i remember
but it doesn't wash out the darker ones

and how i thought
once dad got involved they would stop
but he only encouraged your malicious thinking
the slightest mistake
was my biggest regret
carless, heartless, *****, rude, disrespectful
those words mean nothing now
they are cliches that you say
but ring no meaning

at least
they used to

now everything is like a fresh new slice
opening myself up again
revealing my healed wounds
i thought i could do this
i thought i could show you what hurts more
what hurts more than seeing fat on my bones
or horrible makeup on my face
the words of children never mattered
it was the words of my mother

my mother who preferred my sister
my mother who thinks im useless
a good-for-nothing waste of space
unless i provide a service
i might as well leave
and i want to leave
don't think i'm here by choice

threaten me mother
say you'll hit me
tell me again how you will take everything away
show me your anger
because you are obviously untouchable
you can clearly control me
but one day you won't
and i won't care
but i really hope
that you do

Be blissful
and serene

Take care of yourself
and others

Run and stop
enjoy every moment as it flies by

Enjoy the way hot tears spill down your cheeks
and love the way your chest hurts from silenced screams

Rage is just as beautiful
as your smile

Crinkling eyes
and big dimples

Wrinkles, stretch marks, and freckles
are your victories

Be Blissful
and Serene

Shoulders back
Head up
Lips soft
Hair swaying
*******
Waist minimized
Hips squared
Nice ***
Legs long
Feet delicate


She walks with a purpose
with a grace
that leaves boys drooling at her feet

Her peers try to steal them away
she sneaks in though,
stealing all of their gazes.

She never settles,
she only takes the best
and never leaves any for the rest.

All it takes is a smile
and a giggle,
and they come running.

She's smart and funny,
poised and controlled,
loved and lusted for.

How I am envious of her,
she would make me the prize of my town,
but instead she makes me the ***** of the internet.

She has stolen men from their wives,
money from their wallets,
and robbed boys of their lives.

I think that this new one,
could be the one to take me away,
but she knows.

She knows that he is only a toy
and she the cat,
playing with him so carefully.

I will run away when he comes around,
and she will keep him at a safe distance
while I cry over my decisions.

I can't win
Because without her no man will want me,
But with her no man can have me.

I don't need a hero
or a protector
or some to catch me

But you're there for me anyways

grabbing my hand when I slip

and kissing my lips when I'm sick

stop please
because no matter how many times you promise
one day you will be gone
and I will have forgotten how to help myself

Poetry is about what is said
And what is implied

Implying is known for its subtle
Body gestures or vague sentences

Syntax and diction often control
The reader's persepctive

but
how can I control what other's think

Is it colorful word choice
Or WHAT WORDS STAND OUT

Am I accurate in assuming that
With a simple
pause

and repeat of word
I can cause someone to think otherwise?

Is it crazy that I control
the beat
in time
with a
meter

My dear I seem to have you under a spell
Can I tell you something

I'm not falling for you
I am in fact

Floating
Or for a better word

Afloat with you
Enjoying the water

And maybe
Someday
at some point
In some time

I will be ****** in
Drowned in your bliss
Penetrated by your words
Enraptured by your touch

Poetry is for mad people
With nothing better to do than to scrawl out their words with a pen nearby or a ***** keyboard that sounds more atrocious than the screaming of a fish

Poetry is the only way I can say my feelings
and if it's confusing

I'm sorry
I'm also confused

Maybe your love won't be drowning
and for once

It will feel like flying

7 billion people exist
and among those 7 billion
we are all unique

whether it be a freckle
a crooked smile
or just a slightly different hair color

and with this knowledge
my mind screams
that I will probably find someone just like you
that acts and talks like you
perhaps better

but why should I fix what isn't broken

I could try and find someone better
but why should I?
I don't want to
I have you

I want you

My body works so hard

it gets me up every morning
so that I may learn

and it continues throughout the day
despite the exhaustion that plagues my mind

and when I work
it keeps up the pace

in the mirror
it sags
has uneven shapes
and lumps

and often I find myself
wishing to have a more appealing figure

but I cry for my body
because it works so hard for me

and I do not appreciate
its perfection.

They say you don't know what you have until it's gone
And yet I miss him dearly

I'm crazy in love but too afraid to show it

I want to wrap myself around you
until I'm pulled away
until you call me insane

Am I too much?
Am I enough?

I am not
I repeat
NOT
going to fight for you

You want her?
Go get her

You're just a silly girl
with a dazed look in her eye
and flowers in hair
twirling around the room
with laughter spilling from her teeth

You're just a silly girl
with the notion that he really loves you
and he will stay by your side
shouting from the room
with love dripping from your tongue

You're just a silly girl
with the idea that people are good
and everyone holds the best intentions
speaking throughout the room
with nonsense slipping from her throat

You're just a silly girl
with a sad droop of your head
and clenched fists at your side
sobbing in the room
with tears dripping from your lips

You're just a silly girl

Do you regret it?

You are strong
and hold a power inside of you
so pure and bright
that it pierces through the pain
and sorrow

and it isn't pure
because it is untainted
it is pure because it has fought
through the darkness
and survived

God
Dear God
Oh Lord
Heavenly Father
My Messiah
Lord in Heaven

I haven't felt


this

good

in
years

I'm a woman who just escaped the depths of a cave and felt sunlight on her skin.

I haven't felt like this about someone
since I was young
and believed that true love existed
and that once I met him I would know.
We would live in a castle in the sky
and hold hands
and laugh until our lungs caved in.
This mystery man of mine


But you

oh you

I can't help it
I've fallen for you
so deeply to the point where I don't recognize myself

This is the person I used to be
when I wasn't hardened by harsh words
and tainted smiles.

What did I do to meet you?

Which stars aligned to where I allowed to know you?

It was an accident
a simple click of a button
and a small interest

And yet
I feel so hopelessly dedicated to this relationship

God you

You

I just

I can't say it

But I will

You* saw a flower proudly thriving
sitting so beautifully on its shrub
and You picked it
because You lusted for it
so You took it

kept it in a vase
enjoyed the waxy texture of its petals
admired its vibrant colors
savored the floral scent

but as soon as it wilted
You threw it away
like it meant nothing to You

and replaced it with something new
because that's how You treat flowers

*right?

I lie on cold ground
with candles surrounding me
their fires burning my skin

tears have stained my cheeks
and blood runs red through my hair

I just want to hold you
and love you
but you reject my kiss and caress

you deny my love
and spit at my feet

and yet I lie here
with the candles surrounding
and I know

that if I get too close
I will burn

Love is complicated, but it doesn't resonate between two people
It burns more brightly, when you’re dancing in between the fires of the sun
It’s fervent when you’re watching the stars collapse on each other
It’s all encompassing when the black hole ***** you in
The space around us licks our arms and legs as we dance with one another
When I lean in for a kiss, I can feel the cosmos reaching out to me
I can feel the constellations change when we embrace
And when you touch me, it’s as if the nebulae rebirth themselves
Comets only come once in a while
And it seems you’re riding the radiant tail of Halley’s

Wipe off your make-up
Wash your hair
Scrub your skin
Take off your clothes
Shave your head
Remove your eyebrows
Cut your eyelashes
Pluck your fingernails
Shed your skin

And

stare

Stare into the mirror '
With your eyes wide open
And look


*Isn't it beautiful?

He grabbed my hair
and shoved his **** inside
and I cried
and when he asked if he should stop
I shook my head
because I knew if I told him to stop
he would only get angry and frustrated
so instead I laid there
and cried

and he would say
"Your crying almost makes me want to stop"

So high that you can't really tell
where your body is
and what the floor feels like
a type of drug that runs through my veins like oxygen
that I readily injected
but this drug kept me in a sane place
where I could focus and function
I could be with my friends
and I could live my life while letting you live yours
but as soon as I stopped
I felt reality crashing into me
and what I found left me breathless
my heart started beating
the shattered pieces trying to meld together
that continued to cut into my lungs
Denial was so ready at my fingertips
and I could slip away so easily
and pretend for another day
so I did
again and again
until my tolerance was growing
and soon
I was immune
only left to see
reality for what it was
and all I can think is
*****

For one of the rare moments in my life
I was genuinely
happy

I had been myself
and I was strong
I felt secure
and I felt loved

Everything was right
the clouds
the weather

I was
on top
of the
world

And then like
a tidal wave
it was over

The monsters of the sea
wrapped their dangerous
tentacles around my legs
and pulled me back into the dark depths

I was overwhelmed
and saddened
too tired to lift up my head

it was the same story
the same voices repeating over and over again
reprimanding
scolding

I guess I'll just keep going
looking forward to the next time
I'll be happy

Bounding leaps forward
the water looks so inviting and friendly
but as I reach the edge and worry
What if it's cold?
What if it's filled with bacteria and makes me sick?
What if I get wet for nothing?
So I stick my small toes in
and so far
it's pretty nice

I hate it
When people say Brienne is beautiful
The point of Brienne is that she isn't beautiful

Brienne is a warrior
A woman who doesn't know love
A woman who loves though

Brienne is loyal
A woman who stays true to the end
A woman with endless honor

Brienne is strong
A woman who won't break
A woman who will stand tall

Brienne is ugly
A woman who doesn't need her looks to get what she needs
A woman who doesn't use what's between her legs to get what she wants

Brienne is badass
A woman who gives no *****

I am weak
And when they ask me
What has made you this way?
I will only whisper your name

Your smiles
Laughs
Eyes
And arms
Have made me weak

I long to hold your hand within mine
And to caress your hair under my fingertips
To see your smile brilliantly flash in my direction
And to feel your breath intertwine with me
Our hearts beating in synchronization

You have made me weak

I used to stand strong
On my own
Indestructible

I left you
In an act of defiance against my own heart
To prove to my own self
That I would not be a fool again
I would heed the warnings
And listen

But
I am broken

The hand that would hold yours
Aches painfully

My fingertips bleed
With my carelessness

My smile has disappeared

My breath is stuck in my throat
Choking on words I want to say

My heart is shattered
By my own hand
That wields a dagger
Carved from my own bone

Every ounce of strength I possess
Is used to stay away from you

You have taken so much from me
My happiness
My strength
My appetite
My peace
My future
My soul

I walk around my own home like a ghost
Haunting the walls
A shell of the woman I used to be
Only occupied by a pathetic creature

One that only takes up space
One that only ignores what is painfully obvious
And one that can’t seem to let you go

What am I doing?
Why can’t I let you go?

My hair is falling out
My skin is losing its color
My smile is losing its brilliance
My laughter is forced

Why have you made me this way?

I need you
And you have made me too weak to get you

It has been so long
Too long
It's only been 2 months
But that time has caused me to be
Oh so lonely

And I've only known you for 4 days
And in that time
You have filled the hole that he left

I don't know
How tall you are
How old you are
What the color of your eyes are
What the color of your hair is
If you're right or left handed
If you're going to school

All I do know
Is that you made me laugh as soon as you spoke
That you wanted to know my name as soon as I spoke
Is that you want to know me better
That you would choose Beyonce over Taylor Swift any day

I don't want you
Believe me, I don't love you
But you have filled a hole
With the pings and beeps
With the skype telephone calls
With your jokes
With your laugh

You have filled a hole

I just want to know you better now

This is your fault
You're the one saying all these things
Acting like it won't affect me
Treating me like I'm a stone wall
That I don't hear the words you say
Or read the words you type
It was bound to affect me
And turn my feelings for you

I'm becoming jealous
and irrational.
I become worried when I don't hear from you
I want you to say my name
Or think about me constantly
I want you to tell me all things you do
Or tell me something new
Babe
Sweetie
Gorgeous
Call me all of it
And don't stop

I used to believe that my heart was guarded
But instead of being behind a lavish door
Hidden by a broken piece of wood
In a corner of a dark alley

But once I turned it over
My heart was not there
Instead it left it's pedestal
A note instead

Saying
Trying to find where I've gone
will serve you impossible.
For I will only live in you

And at that moment I realized
My heart was mine to give
So I'm sorry
But I've decided to keep it

A fantasy
Is what you are
A made up existence in my early sub-conscious
Sometimes you're blonde
Other times
Hair the color of midnight
But most of the time
My fantasies end by one of us
Leaving the other
What does that say about me?

I'm falling in love with you
But I can't help but want him
I'm human and I'm young
He looks at me and I feel at home
But I talk to you and I feel free

He hurt me more than I can say
I never cried over him
Not until I felt my heart for the first time
In I don't know how long

But you
I didn't realize it but you picked up my heart
And gave me the shattered pieces
And I pieced it slowly
You talked me through it
And you held my hands while I held my heart
And with you I can't stop smiling

But tonight
When I saw him
I wanted to kiss him
I wanted to hold him down
I wanted nothing more than for him to say
I love you

So what do I do?

I had a dream that everything was on fire
and all I did was run
and scream and panic

I wasn't safe

we weren't safe

and the sky was that funny shade of purple and red

but there wasn't smoke

the fire just consumed
demolished the land like a wave
the embers shot into the sky
and the flames enveloped everything

I woke up shaking
terrified for my life

Have I lost myself
or have I kept me hidden?

Am I protecting the girl who is afraid to be hurt
or the girl who has taken the biggest beating?

She screams back at me in the mirror,
demanding redemption for her soul.

She wants to be honored,
to be shown,
to be convinced.

She wants to know if all this waiting is worth it,
I want more than anything to prove it to her.

I want to be strong for her,
she deserves it,
she deserves more than I could ever do for her.

I stand in the hot sun,
my feet baking on the cracks of sandstone.

The oceans have dried out,
the wind has ceased,
I'm only left with the memories of who I once was.

Her cage lays here.

Its bars covered in thorns and nails,
and covered in dull rust.

Yet she angrily screams,
her voice hoarse with rage,
cracking with the tears that spill down her cheeks.

Summoning confidence that I feared had left me,
I pull out the key.

Do I release her,
and renew the vast forests of my hear,
or suffer while others benefit from my misery?

Her lust for the key is palpable,
saliva dripping from her bleeding lips.

I go to turn,
her savage nature frightening my fragile conscious.

Instead of her normal snarl,
I hear a gentle whisper,
that caresses my shoulder.

**I'll Wait

There's that boy
who you know your parents
would absolutely love
cute smile
great hair
athletic
tall
and treats you so sweetly

We could spend dinner
having polite conversation
telling cute stories
discussing global issues
and everything would be fine

but I'm not looking for fine

I always want to run

Like a swan
floating so gently through the water
wading through the ripples
but at the first sign of trouble
it leaps from the cool iridescent pool
wings flapping heavily
flying away as fast as it can

I ran away from friendships
hardships
relationships
from my home
my family

I convinced myself
that I was brave
a lioness
ready to fight at the sight of any trouble

but I know myself
I run

Like a child
I leave a note
or say a short farewell
and I run
as fast as I can move
and as far as my legs can carry me

And with you
I wanted to run
Every pore in my body
on fire
wanting to run
anxiety coursing through my veins

I wanted to run

And yet I stayed
grounded
and after a moment passed
I just wanted to be closer

A final sentence in your undeniably brief chapter
3 months is all it took
and I was fed up with you yesterday

While you snarled at me
I could see your tail tucked in between your legs
and I'm sorry that I shared no remorse for this

but
I am human and I hate to say it
but I couldn't care less

I've been crying for the past half hour
because I started reading about those who were declared dead
and how they felt peace
and nothing else

Maybe it will happen when I'm older
but I don't want peace
I want to continue to be in a constant state of love
with you
I want our craziness and joy and sadness
to continue on for eternity

I can't imagine a world without it

The universe's ever pulling
gravity
collapsing on itself
yet spiraling outward
into the unknown
continuously creating itself
without stopping
as new planets
asteroids
comets
emerge
it is
easy to see how
insignificant our problems are
and how important it is to make every moment count
because if none of it matters
then we should take chance
take a chance on us
and give it a shot

I used to stand in church
and close my eyes

waiting for a god to wash me over
with peace and love

and all i felt was

the tingling in my fingertips

the uncomfortable way my eyes were closed

the soft hairs tickling my temples

the pain resounding in my joints

and i didn't feel god
all i felt was the awkwardness of me

standing in a church

You make me think of my children
will they be cared for
the way you cared for me?

Will they feel like their house is a home?
Will they yearn for attention like I did?
Will they grow up unable to process their own emotions like me?

Will they have a father who can see past his own wants?

Will you be there for them?