You know that old saying
"Actions speak louder than words"?
Well, I've learned to observe
the behavioral patterns
of when our conversations
become a burden.

I am a professional at
reading the signs
of unamused eyes
and you just stare
right through me.

I guess that is fair play.

After all, I used to say
too much
and you cared
when you could.

Foolish of me to think there would
ever be a middle.

We left on words
misunderstood
and nothing more
would follow.

You had a boundary
that I overlooked.

I guess
"hello"
was all
it
took.

Most days, I want to get away.
Most day I do not know what to say.
Still, I try.
Sometimes I even
do too much.
The line is always blurred to me.
Maybe that is why I am always
crossing it.
I respect people's boundaries.
The biggest problem;
I do not respect my own.
I give,
a lot.
There are some pieces of me
I will never get back.
They say you live and you learn.
I would like to say that the lessons are
sticking.
And as that big hand keeps on
ticking-

I realize that there is,

still,


so much time.

There will always be
too little
or too much

and perfection
will always be
subjective.



My advice;




learn the rules,
then,


do what pleases you.

My death will be liberating.

And I do not say that in the sense
that I am going to find a cliff
and take a good jump off.

No.

I am just trying to find a
clever way to tell you

that I do not know what is going
to happen next.

You see,

there is a
fine line
between
dreaming and
mortality

and

I am finding out for myself
that being in love
does not always
involve

being awake.

And for my sake
I fall in love with daydreams,
nightmares,
hazy realities
and

the hung-over idea

of not being enough.

It is all out of my hands.
                 It is all out of time.

And the only thing I have left to do,
now,


is decide.

Those that lack compassion will never
utilize their second chances
and I am not saying this to be romantic
I am just letting you know what is true;

the only difference between

love &
        hate
                is

what you see inside of you.

It has been five months since we have talked last
and I have come to the conclusion that

I was wrong.

There is nobody left for me to blame anymore.

I have come to terms with the fact that
I acted like a child and that my behaviour
was toxic.

I understand,
now,
why our situation
ended up this way
and
that the reason for all
of this distance
was

my own unforgiving misery.

You see,
I tried to convince you to love me.

My ego made way
for my downfall
and
at the end of the day
all I can say
is that-

I do not blame you for not bothering to call.

Truth be told,
you probably did not want to hear my voice
and when it came to picking up the phone;
I probably did not even have the *****.

I was a small man acting in
selfish ways
wondering why
someone as
right as rain
would not give me
the time of day.

I labelled your innocence
as ignorance
when I was the one
in denial,
all alone.

And all along the time
I had chased after you-

I had lost sight of what I wanted to become.

Some people live purgatory lives;
they dance with the invitation
of death
just long enough
for the moment
to become romantic
then they usher the
entire idea
right out the door
as if being
friends
with the end
is an easy way
to pretend

they cannot
         go at any moment.

Some people chase
   the idea of death
so much
they forget to
do something
as simple
yet profound
as live.

We spend every day
repeating cycles
and trying to make
our routines
perfect
then remain
frustrated at

     everyone and ourselves

for not being able to get this fluctuating life right

yet-

I am learning that getting it right
takes doing it wrong
more than
quite a few
times

and

that is simply something neither you or I can be ashamed of.

We cannot substitute the lessons
that failure and patience bring us-
all we really can do is
face our hardships
with limited understanding
and obtain what we can
from our moments of misery.

I am finding more and more
         that myself
  lingers in those moments
and I am beginning to appreciate
the days
I spend
catching
       bleek
          & subtle
                     glimpses
           of what I can

become.

You see,
I used to fear my own presence.
Shake my head at my own sight.
Be disgusted with my thoughts
and ruin my existence.

I used to do all of these things because I felt
helpless.
I was not the person taking charge
      for my life.
I was not the person owning responsibility
for their actions.
I was not the person acting on their decisions
although the choices were petrifying.
I was not that kid because

I DID NOT YET UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS CAPABLE OF.

I had yet to find the opportunity in my failures.
I had yet to see the potential in my flaws.
I had yet to understand that there are twenty-four hours
in a single day
and we can own every single one of them
when we are not focused on defeat.

And that sounds a little extreme at first,
I know,
but if I can convince you of anything today-

please do not be afraid of change.

Welcome it with open arms and be prepared for
your entire life to get uncomfortable
when you start being honest with the world
and most importantly-
yourself.

I have let go of so much heartache
from no longer pretending I am okay.

I have let go of so much anxiety
from not allowing others to hold
their expectations over me.

I have let go of so much depression
from standing up for myself
because I was sick of the world
telling me NO.

I have let go of so much
useless negativity
and have said goodbye
to so many friends
and relatives
because
choosing compassion
over what they took from me
always kept me on
the better course;

a step ahead
when they were looking behind
and reflecting
by the time
they could realize
intuition wins.

but I guess depending on which way you are looking at it-
all of this is just bragging of course.

So I will never mind you
if you are not listening.

I will forgive you
when you come around.

BUT IF YOU ARE LISTENING LOUD,
HERE RIGHT NOW-

know that I am too.

And for every dream you are chasing-

    it is chasing after you.





Thank you.

Forever was just
an excuse
to be
close to you.

They try to silence me
when my passion sings
for I am not like you
caged birds
with clipped wings.

I have crawled,
walked,
ran
and taken flight.

So it will take
more than
a wish
to end me
tonight.

I think I'll fall asleep in an hour
I think I'll be dead in a week
I'm sick of bitter arrogance-
it isn't something unique.
In fact it's kind of grotesque
the way I choose to progress
it's like i'm slowly
cutting from my
feet
and stopping
at my chest.
Do you get it yet?
Do you find it hard to understand?
Am I not what you were looking for
or do I need to be better than I am?
I'm only asking.
I think that's fair.
But then again I'm getting acquainted with
despair.
I tell myself it isn't real.
I try to believe that you care.
But all that goes out the window when
I see you are not there.
It's unusual;
the way I trip
over myself.
Therapists and teachers
always said I needed help.
But I didn't believe them.
Ignorant was how I felt.
Trapped, corner,
isolated-
I was ****** with what was dealt.
Just know that I didn't keep it.
I just walked right on out.
And for every moment
I've been defeated-
at least I wasn't

someone else.

I was high on LSD when we first met.
And there is nothing poetic in that statement.
Just honesty.
And you can take that for what it is
but I want you to know this
because even when my skin
was crawling-
you made me feel comfortable.

You were an abrupt kind of bliss
and I could not have been happier
with the light I had suddenly found.

You guessed I was a cancer
and I did not answer
because you saw in my eyes
you knew you were right.

And it was in that moment
I felt a connection
with the kind of
complexion
that was sure to

leave me every night.

I guess it was foolish of me to think
you would stay.

High hopes
and low expectations
is what they say
but I just cannot accept that
these days.

It is getting hard to hold my head up
when all I do is think of you
but my friends keep telling me
that I will make it through
even though

you don't miss me anymore.

If someone wanted you
in their life
they would
make the effort
to see that you are.

That old cliché term
"actions speak
louder than words"
holds true
and I am just here
to warn you
that not every
friend

is a friend

and they
do not care
the way they
say they do.

Eight times
out of Ten
you probably
face your hardships
alone
and even though
it is not always
graceful-

you survive-

and it takes about
   twenty something years
to realize




                 most humans will never be good to you.


-Andrew Durst.

Life does not always work out as planned.
There are certain situations and
certain circumstances that
are simply out of our control
and we have to do our best to
accept the fact that
we are powerless.

This is something in my life that I have
always struggled to admit
let alone
try to understand.

There is a dwelling desire

        to always want to know

and there is nothing in this world
that has burdened me more.

I have been through relationships
both casual and
                           significant
             and most of them have
one thing in common;

   they came to an end
at the extent of my
              over-pushing hands.

And even though both sides
were to blame-

I oftentimes found the
scale of suffering
to be tipped

    in my favor.

You see,

I am tired of countless nights
of questiong my self worth.

I am exhausted and
depleted of all my
"excess positivity"

    there comes a point in every humans life
        where you realize
               no one is worth
                                making you feel
                                        insignificant.

Stil­l-
it is hard to say goodbye.

And it is even harder to
begin again
knowing you will have
to do some of it

               alone

but
there will be a day

where your own company
is not so bad.


And I hope it comes for you
just as much as I hope it
comes for me;

where every morning
feels

like a victory.

-Andrew Durst.

The message
you carry
is more
valuable
than
your defeats
and
it is
with this
knowledge
in which
I hope
you choose
to keep walking.

I wanted
someone
that wouldn't
be afraid

of me.

I spent
twenty-one
years
doubting
that person
could ever
exist.

For humans
are far too shallow
and our
complications
are

way too deep

but I honestly believe
we should not have to
be alone.

I believe in independence.
I believe in self-reliance
and I believe in self-respect.

But I also believe that
humans can connect
on a far deeper level
than just what we see.

I believe there is a time
and place
for everything
and that includes
the moments

we fall in love.

You see,
there will be days
that you fill
empty
and lonely
but you have
to be there for yourself.

No one is going to give you
a handout
unless you show them
you are going to
make it count.

No one is going to
rely on someone
that cannot
rely on them self.

Co dependence can be
beautiful
but nevertheless-
it is filled with
even more grief.

You cannot fix somebody else
when you are still
practicing
the craft
of self-love.

Allow your lows
to be reminders
that you
can lose
and smile
knowing
that you can
bounce back,
too.

There is nothing
graceful
in struggling
but there is
something
glorious
in the

overcoming

and believe me-
you will find a way
to live through it all.

And then
some day
somebody,
somewhere
is going to
admire
the way
you refuse
to fall.

And you will wonder
how you ever
let the world
make you feel

so small.

-Andrew Durst.

and whether you want to hear it or not-
time eventually runs out.

and I know it's hard to accept
and I know death is
often times
petrifying
and it's okay to
be afraid
of what you do not know
because
I too
have no clue
as to what
awaits me on the
other side.

All I know is-

there is one.

After all this suffering.
After all this grief.
After all the highs to
low's and
the dramatic
in-betweens-

there is more to this life
than simply being here.

And a part of me would like to believe
that what we do here;
matters.

And even if it's a tiny gesture
or a massive shift in
humanity-

we all play our part.

We are all tiny messages
in fragile glass bottles
that we are too scared
to break out of.

Life is unpredictable
and we-
foolish and naive-
take our opportunities
for expression
for granted.

It is senseless to keep
anything back.

It is asinine
to believe
anything
less than
transparency
will bring us

freedom.

It won't.

Say what's on your mind
before it's too late.

And don't be one of those people
that say they

can't.

Life is a
constant pull
between
running &
fighting

and

your brain
tricks you
into believing
that

nobody cares.

It is all in your head.
Not in your heart.

Every day that you wake up,
you have a choice
to be better
or worse
than the day before.

And even if there
is no point to
this life-

let that be a reason
to ignore
all of the people
that drain you
of your energy
and let go of
the problems
you CANNOT control.

This world is
temporary.
This pain is
temporary.
This moment
is temporary.

And so are you.

Please,
smile more.
Laugh more.
Express more.
Do everything you can to
leave your mark.

There is no concept of time,
anymore.

There is only you
and what you adore;

keep it.

I remember relapsing on the floor of my mothers basement.
I still remember what it was like to feel my conscious
leave my body and
float into a complete world of
darkness.
There were no pretty patterns or
surreal hallucinations.
The bright light that everyone
spoke of
was not there
and I wondered
if I was to blame for it
being gone.

And at the same time,

I remember what it was like to wake up.
To see my mother, father,
brothers, sisters
and friends
standing over me.
Crying helplessly wondering if I would
ever be the same again.

I remember what it was like to look into their eyes.

And I remember what it was like to push every single one of them away.

I remember what it was like to argue and walk out on
the same people that said they would
always be there.

I remember because it was the only time in my life that I
truly didn’t care.

But here I am today.

Trying to find the words to make you believe
that I am a better man.

Here I am,
pulling truths from parts of me
that I have not visited in years.

But being transparent does not
******* me like it used to.

It motivates me more than
ever before.

This shaky,
raspy,
unattractive voice of mine
is all I have.

And by any means,

I am going to use it.

There’s only a few other things
I was put here to do.

And if speaking
even when I’m not
spoken to
somehow
saves my life,

then so be it.

Because I remember
what it was like to
keep everything bottled up
and how it got me
absolutely nowhere.

I remember being stepped on
and squashed
as if I did not matter.

I remember what it was like to have
no faith in myself
because that was what everybody
taught me to believe in.

That it was wrong to step out of line
if it meant losing friends or
loved ones.

And I believed them because I didn’t know
anything different.

I didn’t have any independence.
I didn’t have anything to stand for.
I was just a little kid,
four-foot-something,
trying to make it through
another day.

And for every night I prayed
for tomorrow not to come
to a God that I do not believe in,

it always came.

And even though this embodiment
of doubt,
that is my existence,
has never been a breeze-

I can only hope that it has been
worth fighting for.

That every day and every night
I spent hungover or
strung out on the floor
did not go in vain.

And all I can do now is work hard
every single day.

All I can do now is give every ounce
of energy that I have to
making a difference
on people that are going through
what I’ve been through;

to give someone a voice that is
comfortable and
familiar.

and despite the cliché,
maybe even some hope.

Because I remember what it was like
to figure it out

all on my own.

Tooth decay and
lie in cheek.
There’s a rotten
part of me
that
continues to
manifest.
I am bitter
and this is
why I
wither away
rather than
fall to
pieces.
I am a slow,
dying,
rotten,
seething
piece of
flesh.
I am pale
with
society
and intoxicated
from all of
the pointless
conversations
we pretend
to have.

News flash
News flash
News flash







nobody is
listening.

I've been in love
(or thought I was)
twice now
and I'm only
twenty years old.

I've spent my entire life
practicing the art
of letting go
and I lost track of
my losses
because I've never
been good with
numbers.

I have
added,
subtracted,
divided
and solved
my way back
to you

countless of times

and this is how
I know I am

no good at math.

I took a walk with life today
and found that we
are all connected.
I took it’s gentle hands and
whispered calmly beneath my breath:

“you are beautiful”

and then all at once-
the constant commotion
unfolding around me
came to a surrender.

I found myself staring at
solutions and all of the
questions that follow.

I am floored
by how simple
life can be.

There are no answers
and this is the
meaning to
everything.

We live and
we breathe and
we hold on until
it’s time to
let go.

This is not a cycle.

This is not
evolution.

This is not aging
just to die
and this is not
the human condition.

This is the experience.

This is the lifetime.

This is what we are
granted.

I long for a comfort
that I will never feel
and resent it
for it never being so.

I wonder how long
I have to go
and even then-

I am wrong.

There is so much
going on
and the cars keep
hauling
and the grass
keeps growing
and the moon keeps
setting and
the sun keeps
rising and

the story
goes.

I am not immortal
and I cannot capture
every moment
as I’d like to
and I know that
this is
okay
but as long
as I’m alive-

I’ll continue to strive
for something
better than
myself.

Even if it’s
not what I
deserve.

I’ve lost more than I’d wish
to lose
and learned more than
I’d like to.

This is what happens
when kids
grow up.

I am a product
of a broken boy
becoming a
measly man
in a
wallowed world
that has no room for

generosity.

The world will not end
with a spark
to the neck or a
chill
on the spine.

The world will not
die silently into
a night that
no good man
can bare.

The world will end
when the
human race
allows greed
to conquer
grace.

And my friends,

we are
well on our
way.

I couldn’t
always be there.

It was as
simple as that.

And in a world
where everyone
  needs everything
to be at their
  beckoning call,

I just wasn’t
  good enough.

-Andrew Durst.

don't
  be honest
       for
          their
              sake,

      be
         honest
               for
                 yours.

start
at the
beginning
just to
follow
you to
the
end
over
  and
over
  and
over
  again.

Even in the
midsts
of all my
despair,

saying your
name
feels like
a breath
of
fresh-air.

I must've
    been the
one
  that caught
you
   while you were
falling from heaven
   because it feels
like there's a
******* crater
   inside of my
         chest.

Our
love
was a
flight
that you
and I
missed.

Do you
care to
take the
next one
out?

The less
you
tried,
     the more
      I fell
      in
      love.

And that's
been the
story
thus
far.

I wanted to
thank you
for not giving me
what my heart
so desperately
longed-for.

It actually
made a
better man
out of
me.

and the price
I am
willing
to pay,

I hope you
miss me
when I'm
gone.

There're spaces within
my chest,
         and this redundant
       motion of
             rising and falling
     will suffocate
   the very essence
of my soul.
     And as I ache
     for the love that
     your body
     provides,
I will find myself
reaching for you-
      completely
              deprived.

I entertain the
thought of
you
with a
typewriter
and a
glass of
whiskey.

And
I'm trying
so **** hard
to make
something
    beautiful.

There's nothing you can say to me that I haven't heard already.

And I know you've been hurt.
     But I would never treat you
like the others.

                 Can't we learn
            to forgive
      without having
  to forget?

There was something
pure in your eyes
and something
sinister about
your smile.
And my god,
I loved it.

I used to believe
that I would
never
be able to
move on...

But whenever I woke up
this morning,

I didn't even
think about
**you.

Reveal your
burdens
to me
and I will
do my best
to show you
that even
they
have
beauty.

I hope you
remember
that
somewhere
along
the
lines,

I  
was
there.

just to get
so far,

and I just
want to be
right where
you are.

When people talk
about you
like you're a
piece of meat,
                       I want to break
               their jaws...

Because you are
so much more
than just
another
pretty face.

And when you
            love someone;

their name
begins
to sound like
a song that
never leaves
       your
            head.


-Andrew Durst.

It's hard to believe
at one point in my life
I had almost completely
given-up.

But is that not
life within itself?
Going through
peaks and valleys
while falling in-love
with those
that actually care
to help?

Yes,
It is truly
funny how things
work out.

Because all the
problems
I once had,
are now
all the things
I laugh
about.

of my heartache.

There's no need
for any explanations.

And although you
may not understand;
      I cannot
          deny
    the way it feels to be
               in your
       presence.

There
will
be a day
where you don't
run-across
my mind
whenever
I wake up.
           But for now,
I'll let you
rest as I
enjoy my
morning
cup
of
tea.

I'm discovering
that sacrifice
will always be
a necessary
part-of
life,
  and that
  the only time
  we ever
  gain-
  is when we
  have
  lost.

I will always
love you.
Even when my
heart is
broken and
my dreams
have
diminished
into
nothingness-
even after you
have long
forgotten
who I am;

there will always
be this void
in-which
you
belong.

In this world you're
either the writer
or the reader;
the creator or
the receiver.

And school never worked
out too-well
for me.

The hard part was
trying to convince
myself that it
was the right
thing to do.

I started to settle in
my skin for the
first time as I began
to believe
that these bones
will one day
be a thing of the
past.

But like the dust
that has collected
on my hindered-hopes;
I will brush off
these worries
of a better life,
and use them
as my motivation
for tomorrow.