The poem I would never write would tell of the sun
And the moon and
The stars,
And how the color gray
Describes everything by far.

The poem I would never write
Would be about roses
And the wind in branches and trees.

The poem I would never write
Could never be read.
You see,
The poem I would never write
Would be about the unchartable,
An unwritten world waiting to be created.
The poem I would never write
Would explain my every wish,
The desires buried deeper then the sorrow I hold.
Words would not suffice in
The poem I would never write.

But she never said a word.
She didn’t need to.
The conversation always breezed past her unsaid words.
“Hellos” and “Goodbyes”
Were only formalities anyway.
Even “How are you?”
Has lost it’s meaning— or rather no one means what it says.
Of course, that only applies if you are not invisible,
If they see you and want to talk.
Do they see?
Or do they not care to talk?
Meanings mix with lies, making one believe of
Worthlessness of one’s self.
Believing she was worthless
(there was no reason not to)
She continued on smiling,
Hiding behind her paper
And playing with her pencil.

And the scary part is
That she doesn’t know that
Everyone doesn’t always feel this way.

I'll admit it,
I was livid
When you sat next to me first.
Embarrassed as I was,
Again and again you were there,
But the more you were there the closer we got.
Now I thank my lucky stars
And God
For having you there,
Because God knew
I needed a friend
To my right.


Thank you for helping me along the way.

The beat of life
Pounding out an impossible rhythm,
I should have been born a butterfly,
Than without my wings to fly.

525,600 minutes,
And every moment of my year
Wishing I could cast off the old
And become something new.
Something beautiful.
Something spectacular.
The beat goes on,
The pounding of my heart
Matching perfectly.

Hiding behind hats and glasses,
It's potential I'm longing for.
I should have been a butterfly,
My wings are missing.
Wondering,
Waiting.
I don't want to shine,
Only to fly,
Only to rise above it all.
The beat goes on.

Where am I now?
What do I stand for?
Who have I become?
I am not a butterfly...
                                     ...the beat goes on.

The time ticks by like a leaky fosit.
A slow leaky fosit.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

My mind shys away from
The thoughts of you. That
Every drip drop
Echoes another second closer to
Losing you.

Why do all my poems need to be about
You?
Sometimes I wonder what you would say
If you found me here.
Would you know who I was?
Would you remember?

I read over the paintings I wrote of you.
Glittering masterpieces,
The work of one mind.
Again I down another
Poisonous elixir of the mind.
Again the only thing my pen creates
Is the perfect image of my mind:
A perception of what could have--
Nay, should have
Been.
Gone now,
The imaginings of a heart grow
Faster, fuller,
Top heavy and prone to fall
At the slightest touch.

Left alone in the dark,
Anon I wish of you.
A soft touch,
A kind word.
Do you think of me too?
Just please don't say you love me,
I'm too scared to say it back.
Too long
I've been desolate and deprived
Of encouragement.
Too long to trust.
Too long to care.
I would gladly fall into the
Abyss
Of your heart.

Spin me around,
Take my hand,
I don't know how to pretend,
I don't know how to stop pretending,
I love you too much.
And the only one who knows
How deep this love grows
Is Fate.

Would you believe me if I told you?
Would it be the same for you?

I doubt it.

The sparkle of a gem
Is only perceived by those who can
See beauty in rocks.

Living life on a slant.
 Things keep slipping
  Just out of reach,
   Looking like they are far,
    Too far to be here or there.
     Everything is unobtainable,
      People seem like they
       Plot against what you
        Want for them and for your life.
         Smiles seem crooked,
          Sidelong glances lengthen,
           And frowns look fake.
            Nothing is clear when
             The only perspective is
              Sideways.

I woke today still feeling your
Warm rough hand touching the
Crest of my head.
I still can't shake the feeling
And the fading image
Of the Dead world I woke from.
You and I were the
Last ones,
The ones who could still
Experience feeling.
The ones who could still
Experience Life.
You held me tight
And protected me
All through that Dead night.
If the rest of the world was
Dead right now,
Would you hold me and
Protect me
Like you did last night?

I saw your sacrifice--
A drop of sweet blood--
As proof you were not
Dead like the others.
I showed my own Life blood too.
I sensed your hatred,
Felt waves of heat
Extinguish those Dead that harmed.
We and Life were in the sunlight,
The last place Dead
Was kept from.
Under lock and chain,
The Living Dead was kept from sight.
Confident you were,
But I knew you were still scared,
Just like me.
Regardless, you protected me
From this nightmarish reality.

Don't leave me now,
I still need to Live.

...it hurts...
This pain,
Gnawing on my insides.
How long?
Memories...
They plague my thoughts.
Can't get away from what they said.
My tormentors,
Those bullies...
help...
They laugh and scream and jeer.
Why do you still play with dolls?
Why can't you do anything right?
Don't you have any friends?
Inadequate is what I am,
Broken,
Destroyed.

All I need is a spark of hope.

It burns-- Immensely
     Unclear why the pain is so bad.
Why does it feel this way--
     Locked up but
The treasurer owns nothing,
     Feeling the weight of
Other's unknown thoughts--
     The new pain
Mixes with the old,
     Devouring all in an
Unchanging harmony of this life.

Were you taking to me earlier?
I have so much to say
About what I'm feeling
And how I'm doing today.
You say its not me,
But I know that is a lie,
Its me,
Not you,
But I will try
To tell you the cold hard truth.
I feel like I'm left handed,
Spinning out of control,
Or like a sinking boat,
Not knowing which way is up or down,
When I look into your ocean eyes.

Sometimes the sea is in turmoil,
Maybe I'm the reason why,
But you're one of the reasons my
Light blue eyes cry.
I know you don't mean it,
But now I won't lie:
My own ocean cries because of the thing you said
And for what you will never say.

But you were the only one
Who held my boat up,
Who plugged the holes and dried the tears,
I hope you don't regret.
I still cry,
But not because of you.
People have always been disillusioned
When navigating my ocean.
They say things they would never utter
To another human being.
Your ocean held my boat,
The others mopped it up.

I wish for someone
To hold me close
While I fall apart.

It would be good
For someone
To thaw my frozen heart.

Sing a song like a lullaby,
Flowers dancing round and round,
Across a glassy lake,
The Frost Prince is battling with
The Daisy Duke again.
Around and around their quarrel continues,
Feet stomping,
Words flailing,
The Flowers taking twists and turns,
Keeping in time with the rhythm.
The ice cracks,
The shatter breaks
The glass into knives within the words,
With Daisy Duke glancing right,
And Frost Prince glancing left,
The Flowers shrink, are cut, and fall.

The Flowers die again.

I love being a sunrise to you,
Safe in your arms,
Holding my heart.
I will be vulnerable,
Trusting you to my core,
Giving you my secrets and smiles.

Complete peace,
As I listen to your deep breathing.
I love the feeling of trust that I have
When you are next to me.
A soft smile crosses your lips when I kiss your cheek.
You make me smile,
I can see the light in your eyes,
You are the sun.

I love you.

If I were a word yesterday,
They would be about
"Pain"
or
"Lost."
Feeling "trapped" in a
World who knows how to "punish" the
"Weak."
I would see how I have gone "unseen" and
"Ignored" by the ones who "hate" me best.
But that was "yesterday."

If I were a word today,
It would simply be
"Happy."

Turn off all the lights
Silence all the noise
The only thing you can hear is
Scarcity in breathing--Yourself.
That is, except me.

I haunt your waking dreams,
Slinking into the present,
Indulge on your thoughts,
Stalk the slender hope of
Ignorance in the future.

You will never be rid:
Sweetly playing a
Yuletide lullaby,
Satanic melodies streaming alongside.

Rasping along,
Grasping at the predetermined
Steps taken to avoid
Such as I.
You will never be rid of me.
You will always love me too much.

My soul
               Is a sad song

                                       Who can't
                                                          Find

                                                                    *Harmony.

Right now I can think only about the one thing
That is real to me:
A stuffed bear.
Its fuzzy feeling
Reminds me of the good friend that
Gave me this treasure.
Separate from reality,
This bear does not deal with
Mistakes others made.
It cannot change
Like a person does.
It smiles with curious eyes,
A ribbon tied about its neck,
Seemingly preventing its first breath.
Sometimes people need to be more like
Bear.
Open to the world,
Curious,
But relatively unchanged by the environment
And people
At the end of the day.

One time someone told me I was beautiful.
Who knew I could be beautiful?
I hope he never changes,
Like my bear.

My feet burn hot
On the smoldering coals and ashes of
Other's sinful words and hopes.
We were made to walk this world of
Pain
With hopeful hearts and
Choice.
Will we succumb to this pain?
Will we give in?
We are not alone,
But tonight we sit by ourselves.
We are given a glass of failure.
Drinking,
Sipping and slipping to the point of no return.
Tonight I will pour the glass given me
Down the drain,
Where I hope my heart won't be.
I want to choose something more
Than bitter intoxication.
Give me trust,
Give me love,
Call me trust,
Call me love.
I will be trust,
I will be love.
I am what I need to be,
I will become who I am.

It's my fault it rained.

I feel like I have never laughed before,
The dreary streaks increasing.
There is nothing that you can do,
I can't trust you because I've fallen

Too many times.

Dropped by the hands
That should have protected me.
I don't blame them,
I can only blame myself.

The anxiety is worse
As my body refuses to sleep.
I could never tell you--

My darkest secret
Brings sorrow to my eyes
But laughter to others.

They don't understand.

They don't believe it--
How could they?
They have never listened before,
Why would they start when I
Wanted to stop

Breathing.

I've grown.
Now I'm living
In the mourning clouds.

Could it be me they pity?

I wish I wasn't the one to rain
And ruin the day,
But nothing is done right,
I am just a half empty glass.

I should remain invisible in the rain.

Will nothing change?
I'm still thinking of you,
Do I love you?
I can't decide.

Even though you hurt me,
Destroyed me,
Befriended me.

Loved me?

I am wishing on a dream and shooting for the stars.
Why does that disappoint?
Why don't they understand?
Will they ever understand?
Take time to listen.
Perhaps
Down the road they will find these and find the real
Me.

Do not think any of these poems are finished,
This is just a snapshot of the heart.
In any instant,
The words make no sense.
I encourage all who read these to write about themselves,
Just like I am putting my heart into an unknown world.
Also--
Thank God for the talents He has given you.

The shadows--
They whisper dark secrets to me--
Thing I have never wanted to hear.
Turn out the depths,
Convex the crevasses,
Return to that original silence
Deemed by many as peace and
Nobility.
Recede to the recesses of the
First state.

Be a blank mind.

The shadows will hunt.
The shadows will wreck havoc on
Those unaware of the
Blackness they hold--
Hiding their dark next to the warmth of the
Heart.
Shadows seek warmth to fulfill their destructive purpose.

It's true that fresh air is good for the body,
And singing is good for the soul.
Dancing is the exercise of one's strength,
And learning will help us grow.
This is our body,
This is our part,
Why should we give it up?
Breathe, sing, dance, learn,
Give the world our all,
And take nothing less than that.

I can feel my eyes grow dull
With every pain I see.
******,
Heartbreak,
Lies.
They wound the heart and
Change the mind.
Every decision,
Every choice people around us make
Effect the blind world each of us
Partake in everyday of our lives.
Change is a constant.
More is the focus.
Better are the drugs that eat at our centers
Bigger are the lies of normal.
The heart is now a science experiment:
How can we change the way
People think about
Themselves?
Others?
Death?
******?
Marriage?
****?
I mean, don't we watch it for
Entertainment?
Do we engage in it on
Weekends?
Is it actually something that matters?
People watch it,
They laugh at the pain,
The heartbreak,
The bloodshed.
How is genocide,
War,
Divorce funny?
There is no respect given
To people who stand up to
The blind world of today.
Because it is blind,
It can't see the difference between
Humor and disaster.

There was a price for friendship...

                ...In this case it was two dollars.

I would have walked home
If only I knew
How much you hate to turn around...