i'm so tired
but a tired that sleep cannot fix

i wish i could sleep all day and all night
so i wouldn't have to think

but i've been having nightmares.

i'm doing everything at once and yet nothing at all

"tell me if something is keeping you
from being the best student you can be"

how about i don't

because your mind isn't considered a disease

especially if you're an honors kid.

why is the thought "i want to go home"
the only thing in my head
when i'm in my bed?

when i'm sick
or feel like dying
all i want is to go home

it's been the same cry since i was young
begging for the comfort of home

but where is home?

i feel it's somewhere in the galaxies
where i cannot quite reach,
a heaven, perhaps,
a warm, inviting place
that i can only imagine
being full of love.

*i just want to go home

am i insane that i want a label for this
thing living in my mind

i can't enjoy food
without making it a numbers game
carbs and calories, carbs and calories
not too much meat but keep protein up
fats are okay as long as it's not oil
and you know the exact caloric value
measure every bite
weigh everything
round up
add it up twice just in case
you were wrong the first time

i'm not even close to underweight

but i can't stand without getting faint


they tell me it's my bipolar acting up

but do you know how many times
someone has looked at me and said
"you're not my usual type,
i usually go for the really tiny ones"

god, i'm making it sound like it's worse
than it is, i'm teenage girl
trying to be dramatic, right?

but why can't i look at a photo of myself
without wanting to cry

it gnaws on my brain rabidly,
with its razor-like teeth

what is it?
i don't know

all i know is that it makes my breath catch in my throat
as if it's being held there by taloned claws,
my heart beating as though it's being used as a drum

and this...this thing
haunts my dreams

it causes nightmares
of losing everyone i love

it also takes my will to live
and smashes it between its palms,
so that my mind is whirling

but is void of the ability or motivation to take action

what is this creature?
how can i defeat it?
surely this is not a part of me

but it seems like
no matter how much ice i press to my skin
no matter how much control i have
no matter what medication i'm on,

it returns

and in returning,

steals my mind

i'm sorry
what am i sorry for?
only God knows

but i would like to know
why
you can hold a beautiful girl
so lovingly between your fingertips
when but a year ago
it was me

you never loved me
i was there to satisfy your appetite
and now whenever i come over
i panic and cannot breathe,
as if you ****** the air out of my lungs
all those months ago

you held me like you loved me
i loved you
but you just thought we would be friends
with a little extra on the side

or how about the one before that,
never meeting in person
but giving myself away
the first chance i got?

it wasn't until he told my best friend
that landing in the hospital was karma
for me being a stupid *****
and then telling me
i was still on his "bucket list"
that i realized
who he was.

or even before that,
a beautiful boy.
seven months
i mistreated him
i broke him into pieces
which can never be healed
but i still remember how cold i felt
lying there afterwards

and the most recent one
didn't even want to play,
but i somehow won in the end
i wanted to feel loved
but i didn't know how or when
to say no

i'm not saying any of this is the fault
of these people

it's actually all mine

i played to get something i wanted

and i regret it now
and wish i was still clean
like pure snow

and i'm sorry

i'm sorry for playing with fire
i'm sorry for being afraid to say no
i'm sorry for wanting to feel loved
i'm sorry for using my body
to feel something

i still freeze up when i'm scared.

what is
one bite less?
what is two
in the grand scheme of things

i can't seem to stop,
yet i'm finding solace in it

he tells me
aim for 1200,
but what does he know?

i'm getting where i need to be
and nobody, living or dead
will stop me.

it's not that i don't want to

i just can't stop

not yet.

You fell from my mind
burning,
the way smoke burns your lungs
and caresses them yet.

I don't know what happened,
it's strange
that at once I wanted to be with you
and then I wanted to be you
but now I want nothing more
than to be rid
of all of this.

It's not you,
at least, I don't think so.
It's me,
and all the attitude I carry
and the fact that your fingers
don't feel right
on me
anymore.

And I don't know how to
tell you this, but
I don't feel like
I'm comfortable
or you're comfortable
enough,
like we used to be.

I don't know why I need
to say this, but
despite our lives,
and despite the fact
I don't seem to ever care
about anyone but myself-
at least, at the moment,
I do care, some.

But I wouldn't blame you
if you
didn't.

I'm awfully clingy, it seems.

In the hours between midnight and dawn
is when the world is most peaceful-
at least, that's what
I
think.

I don't feel peace often
but when I do
it's filled with
thinking about the ones
I love,
or,
at least I think I love.

It's spent daydreaming-
but is it daydreaming
if it's not day?

Honestly I'm still really confused
as to why I'm happy
and how I feel
about
you.

Or how I feel
about anybody.

So I'll just embrace this moment of calm,
peace,
serenity,
and use it to figure out
why I seem to adore
you
and why
I seem to fear
you
and why
I don't know how I feel about
you.

You
are
such
a
mystery

to me.

I love how
despite how illogical it is,
somebody not speaking feels like
the end of the world.

Okay, maybe not the end.
But I get panicky,
I get worried that perhaps this is the end
despite what they've said
before.

You think you're being cute
and quirky and fun
but really they're worn out
by your smile,
they're dreading the next
time they have to pretend to
hug you
and tell you
everything's just fine.

Everything isn't fine.

I can see it.

You've been saying that
everything is fine
for far too long now
when before you'd take me
swimming in your mind,
skinny dipping where few
dare to go.

Where did that
closeness go?

Please,

speak?

It gets difficult
late at night
when you can't decide
exactly who you want
to hold
in
your
arms.

It gets difficult when
although you know
nothing would change,
and it's not wrong,
you can't quite accept
yourself,
that maybe
you like girls
as much
as you like
boys.

It gets difficult
when you question
everything
about yourself,
when you just wish
you had one word
for how you feel
and who you are
and why your mind
does that
weird little thing
where you
never
seem to
stop
crying.

It gets frustrating when
you couldn't stop staring
at those girls
up on stage,
but when it comes
to cuddling one
or kissing one
or loving one
you want to
so badly
but you're scared.

You're not scared of them
or anyone else-
you're scared of yourself,
like you don't want to admit it
when you've felt differently
for so long
and everything
is now
beginning to
click.

Everything seems new again,
you know what it's like
to love a boy,
and you could do that again,
and you probably will.
But you've never loved a girl,
not truly, anyway
but you know you can
and you want to
because
that'd be
nice.

But everything feels new again,
you're shy
with girls
the way you no longer are
with boys,
you're used to boys at this point,
right now few give you
those same butterflies
even though you still
like them just as much,
if not more.

But girls?
It's scary
and new
and downright nerve wracking
and just
so difficult
and confusing,
though you know
you could love a girl
like you could love
anyone.

Because you know yourself.
You could love
anyone.

I'm not sure what stops me
from emptying out
the pill bottles
I keep by my bed
and just letting everything go dark.

I'm not sure why
I want to see that darkness
either.

All I know is right now
in this moment
I'm trying as hard as I can
to hold on

and I know I'll make it
because I have up until now
and I know I'd probably fail anyway
but hell,
that doesn't mean I can't taste it.

And you,
I'm not sure exactly where you come in
considering I don't want to bother you
but I need to hear someone's
voice
and nobody is willing
to let me talk.

Maybe I'll just hold my breath
until I can't stay upright
any longer
and perhaps then
I won't be so bored,
or sad,
or ******,
or frankly
just angry,
empty,
and lonely.

I'm almost convinced my mind
isn't the only thing
wrong
with
me.

It can't be.

I saw the way you smiled at me
last Saturday.
At least, I think it was Saturday,
it may have been Friday
or Monday
or any day I saw you-
my thoughts are a bit jumbled.

Your mouth was full of words
that I have heard many a time,
but for some reason,
those words had a different meaning
than they had before.

I decided to stay quiet
about everything that bugs me
about you
and instead focus
on the bits
that make me smile,

because trust me

there are a lot of things
about you
that
I
love.

But that's not what I'm trying
to talk about here.
I want to talk about how
my words fit perfectly in my mouth
until I decide to say them,
at which point
they can never fit back.

I want to talk about how you
fit perfectly in my arms
until I let you go
and then you never seem to fit
the same way you did before
because something about you
is constantly changing.

It seems as though
everything about you
and everything about me
is jumbled.

It sort of reminds me of how
grains of sand on a beach
are all different shapes
and materials
but they form as one cohesive
"sand."

So how does that sound?
We're like grains of sand
on a beach,
or like a mismatched Rubik's cube,
all different bits and colors
and feelings
and memories,
but we're still
one being
each.

And maybe together,
we can be almost like one,
intertwining stories
and
growing into each other
instead of just growing
side-by-side.

And that
would give me yet another thing
to love about you.

Kiss me.
I dare you.

I almost know
it wouldn't be smart,
yet I can't help
but be drawn
to your
smile.

Let me drown.
I dare you.

Let me drown
in the warmth
of your arms,
weighted down only
by knowing
what's to come.

Hold me close.
I dare you.

Make me want
nothing more
than the weight
of your body
against mine.

Don't let me go.
I beg of you.

When all I have left
is the memory of

trembling lips,

starry eyes,

beating hearts,
and
heavy breaths,

I'll wish
I dared
not to love you.

Hymns upon the lips
of the teenagers living
their lives
in secret-
that's all you can hear
ringing
in the distance.

Prayers from the parents
hoping that perhaps
their little angel
isn't caught up in
all that teenagers do.

Too bad we know
the truth.

The straight A student
sneaking out at 3 am
or turning on his webcam
just for the satisfaction
of what he's able to do,

the perky girl
with the
"stable"
group of friends
going out,
getting high,
forgetting about tomorrow,

those that don't pick up every girl
still have a secret life
somewhere
deep inside

and all that is okay

to a certain point

because that's what we do.

I'm getting awfully tired
of being alone.

It's getting colder
and
I'm lonely
and I'm really
really
tired.

I'm tired of
being anxious
about everything

overthinking

being left out.

I guess I'm just too young
to know myself
and I'm tired
of that
too.

I'm also tired
of getting told
that although I'm special
I'm not quite
special
enough...

but I guess that's my fault.

I'm just so tired.

Sorry.

"Just this once"
okay,
that's fine.

I don't really know
what to say
though...

sorry I guess.

I didn't realize,
and things won't change
but sometimes
I need to think about
what I do

before

I do it.

What do you do
when you meet somebody
who has lightning in their eyes
and fire on their lips
waiting to burn
it
all
down?

What do you do
when you can't stop thinking about somebody
whose heart is filled
with the idea
that your existence
is
wrong?

What do you do
when you feel stupid
because maybe if you were born
in another time
or another place
you wouldn't be having
these
problems?

What do you do
when you're nervous to be you
in your own home
or around those you hold dear
because what if
they're disappointed
in
you?

What do you do
when the person
you want to please most
admits things
that break
your
heart?

What do you do
when you can't stop dreaming
and your heart can't stop longing
and your head can't stop spinning
and all you want
is just
peace
and
quiet

from all the tragedy in the world

all of the noise in your head

all of the fear and worry

and you just want

to rest?

How come, even though
I know it isn't wrong,
I still feel
guilty,
disgusting,
like I am doing something
very
wrong?

I'm trying so hard to sleep
to forget what I've done
because what if you were right?

What if my guilt
that I haven't placed yet
is God's punishment
for being
sinful?

I almost wish we never
had that conversation.
I was uncomfortable
and I didn't realize
what I was getting myself
into.

I don't blame you
for making me feel this way,
it is my own insecurity
that is making me wish
I never abandoned
religion
at
all.

Maybe if I was on
God's good side
again
I wouldn't be having this
dilemma.

It's been ages
and I feel dumb,
I know what I should do
but honestly I'm too scared
to do it.

So I'm going to lie here
and work up the courage
to pray,
because I'm tired
of feeling lost
and feeling
shame.

Can someone please tell me
why everything
has to be so
complicated
all
the
time?

Why we overthink those
bumps
in the dark,
we hear our names whispered
from every corner?

Why we think that something
can not,
should not be,
when it really wouldn't
be that bad
just to try
this once?

If you could just tell me
what would be so difficult
about giving it a try
just this once...

Let me hold you.

Let me kiss you
on the nose
and giggle softly
at your dumb jokes.

I'll hold your hands in mine
while we contemplate
the universe,
or anything you desire
because I just like talking with you.

Or we can just sit in silence,
staring at the sky
thinking to ourselves
"This can't get any more perfect."

And that will mean everything to us.

For no matter how many times
I look into your eyes,
or how stupid I feel
writing these poems,
there's one thing that won't change.

You really matter to me.

That sense of shame,
the feeling of exposure,
as if someone had just cut off all of
your hair-
it can plague you.

There may not be a reason
as to why it pulls you,
why it drags you
in its direction
but you know it's there
and you know
you shouldn't have
said a word.

Because now he can see it
in you.
He can use it and twist it
and turn you into something
you don't want to be,

so you set up filters.

Block him from ever seeing it
again.
How can he use something
he doesn't even know about
against you?

He doesn't use it on purpose,
but his subconscious
and his
worried side
may.

You want him to know you,
you and all your qualities-
your brightness,
your darkness,
and everything in between,

but you can't.

You know that if you do,
everything might change
and you only have so long.

You don't want it to change.

So you keep it down,
turn it off,
make him smile,
forget your words.

But it doesn't get rid
of anything forever.

Trust me,

you've tried.

I don't really know why I try anymore.

The long phone calls,
the smiles and laughter,
you telling me how much you love
talking to me.

It burrows deep in my stomach-
the warmth, I mean,
and it begs to be expressed
with a hug
or a kiss
perhaps.

But you're older than I am,
and your laughter makes me feel
important, almost.
You tell me to live each day as if
it were my last
yet you can't see
that it took all my courage to ask you
to that stupid movie thing
at school.

And your voice
makes me smile.

But you want to know something?
I'm tired.
I'm tired of basing my emotions
on how other people think of me
even though somehow
I can't stop it.

So instead,
I'll take your smile,
your laughter,
the other girls whispering to me
"I know he likes you"
and your careful denial,
wrap it all up in shiny paper,
and place it under the Christmas tree
of trying to be
someone you'll want to remember.

If I asked you
if you'd maybe like to try something
some time,
would you say yes?

Because honestly I've been looking
and I've been spending time
and you're really cute,
and I just...

Your answer is probably no,
and I know I should say something
anyway, just in case it's not,
but would you even care?

I don't even know for sure if I'm into you
and it's kind of childish to stay quiet
and I know that,
I kind of wish I knew for sure.

I don't know if you'll ever see this
and even if you do
you won't know who it's for
and that's probably best.

So please ignore this poem
because it's not even really a poem-
it's my rambling
of things I'm too scared to say.

I'm just putting it here
because I don't know how else to get it out
because I can't talk
to people about this in person.

I saw you today.

I'm starting to get tired of wasting my time
hoping for something that will never be.

I can still hear your voice ringing in my ears
hours after you have gone.

Is that crazy?

I feel crazy.

I can still see your eyes light up
when you smile.

Sometimes I wish it was me
making you smile.

But that's okay.

It's all okay.

I'm going to keep my distance
even though that never seems to work.
I'm just glad
I saw you today.

I love pretending
like I can breathe in this
cloud of insecurity.

It's just wonderful watching
the people I'm talking to
walk off
without even saying goodbye.

Of course I enjoy
listening to my mother cry
and trying to offer up what I can
on a silver platter that
never seems
shiny enough.

No, I'm not anxious at all
sitting alone in the quiet
waiting for the phone to ring
or a text to pop up
saying "pack a bag."

My life is all sunshine,
rainbows,
puppies,
loud music,
sleepless nights
waiting by the phone
in case that emergency
I've been dreading
finally appears.

Honestly,
when I say that I love you
I mean it.
I don't throw those words around
like how a hurricane throws the trees.
I keep those words sacred.

When I say I love you
I mean it
from here
to looping around the stars and back
even if it seems like
I'm saying it just to say it
I really do
love you.

It doesn't matter how
or why, or when it happened-
all you need to know
is that you mean the world to me.

Yes, it's true you're not the only one
I love in this way,
but each and every person
is loved differently, too.

Some need to be held
and others just listened to.
Maybe they need me to smile
even if smiling feels impossible
but I do it because I love them.

I love many people
in many different ways
and I mean it with everything I have
when I smile and say
"Honestly,
I love you"

Sometimes I wonder if
this is truly worth the time.

Is it necessary
to constantly be breathing?
It's horrible I have to ask
yet I do wonder sometimes

how many hearts would break
how many tears would actually fall
who would want to hold me
like they never did while I was here?

It's horrible, I know
but it's reasonable to wonder
yet the sad part is
sometimes I feel like
nobody would.

Maybe if I don't finish
all the food on my plate,
maybe if I can bring back
the desire to do anything
it takes to be the way I want to look,
maybe if I can just hold out
one day longer

Maybe then I will be somebody
that everybody wants to,
needs to know.
Maybe then my mind will feel at peace
resting inside this body
that doesn't need any more
of that crap.

Maybe then they'll think I'm beautiful.

Or maybe I should just shut up
because the more I talk about how I feel,
the more it seems like people shouldn't care.
"We love you" they say
but I can see in their eyes
I can hear it in their voices
that they're lying.

And maybe I need to learn to love myself
before they can love me,
but that's a lot to ask
when the person who should love themselves
can't even stand
to look in the mirror.

If there were some words
Or a poem to write
To keep your heart strong
Help you keep up your fight

It'd be these
So I try all I can
I can't really save you
But I'll take your hand

I can hold you and hug you
Or keep you nearby
I can dry up your tears
Whenever you cry

And if ever you need
Someone to lean on
I'm here for you, dear-
You're never alone.

That was it.
He simply leaned in and asked
"Are we going to kiss or not?"
So you did
And that kiss became more.
It became
"Don't tell your friends about me"
"Don't make a sound yet-
my dad doesn't know you're here."
Hidden away as a friend
Yet you begin to wonder if he loves you.
Then you see her.
She's everything he wants
And nothing you are
Yet his fingers still recognize your curves
His lips still fit with yours
His eyes still see into your belly
Where the butterflies try to break loose
And he smiles at you.
But that smile is unfamiliar now.
It's not meant for you.
Your lips speak otherwise
Opening only for a
"Your turn"
But as he feels his way down
You can't help but remember
He'd much rather feel
Her instead.