Is anybody else
Getting dragged out for walks
Like a dog?
The whole family comes.

"Mum I have homework"
"You have to be active"
"We're in quarantine"
"I don't give a ****, get up!"

I got yelled at
This evening
And i couldn't say
A single thing.

Pull out a knife
Stab someone in the head
**** me now
I might as well be dead

I'm doing much better now
Than what I was before
Every little thing used to set me off
But now I don't mind them anymore

Haven't had a mental breakdown
In a month and two weeks
I know exactly who to thank
And he knows who he is

He's made my life so much better
By just being there for me
Holding me, kissing me, telling me I'm beautiful
Oh, and the oversized hoodies.

Absolute bliss
Sinking deep into the blankets
Sighing into the pillows
After a long, stressful day.

Time is non existant
The world around me shuts down
I transfer myself wholeheartedly
Into a fantastical adventure
For I am no longer myself
I am the protagonist
Sleep, I need not
But answers, well..
Answers I need to live

Under the blankets
A cabin in the mountains
Curled up there with you

Help me
Im alone again
And about to cry

My arm is healed now.
Thats a good thing right?
There are no more angry red lines
There is no more itching
There aren't even traces of the scars.
I can wear short sleeves again.  

I swore it was a one time thing.
"Never again, you have my word",
I promised to the loved ones i had shown.

So why do i feel like
I want to paint my skin in red stripes once more?

What should i do when
My friends dont answer the phone
But i need them to?

Seriously guys,
You do know how a phone works,
Yeah? Please say you do.

You just press or swipe
The green button with a phone
As it comes on screen

It isn't that hard
Please answer the phone now. Please.
I'm alone, I need help.

We aren't scared of an-
a wild magpie appears
Oh ****!! ****, GO!! RUN!!

Is it too much to ask
For someone to hold me?
Running fingers through my hair
Kissing my forehead

Holding hands as we walk
Smiles that go up to our eyes
I don't want to be alone anymore.
Being alone *****.

The pain is still there
Sometimes, under the surface
It never quite completely went away
But it is fading.

Sometimes the burning itch
Reappears on the seam
Of my arms
But I tell it I do not need it

Thoughts about my weight
About my face
I cannot escape them
I can correct them

Eventually it fades  
I am trying my best

I used to be whole
Now i'm far from it
The things that have happened
Are nobody elses fault.

It's all my fault
The way i am
Things that i have done
And failed to do

When i look in the mirror now
I see a forever heartbroken,
Incompetent, stupid,
Mentally ill teenage girl

When i look inside myself
All i see now
Are the broken pieces of my soul
That will most likely never be put back together again.

You scared me, jumping
At me from behind the couch
That was not funny

I wish i could do
The right ******* thing for once
But i guess i cant

Can't see
Can't speak
Can't write
Can't think

It's dark
It's cold
It's stressful
I'm alone

This is not me
I do not think like this
My mind is changing
Worse than before.

If i express myself the way i would like to
It will be alright.
Because it is winter now
And with Winter, comes the excuse and need
To wear a warm, long sleeved shirt and jacket
Wherever you go.
So nobody will see
The artwork upon the middle of my arm
Nobody will take any notice
Of my nervous ticks
If the source of them is covered up.

It is Winter now.
It is Cold.

Take me out into the starlight
High above the ground
Pull me close
Play an old french love song
Grip my hand in yours
Take my waist
Dance with me until we both realise
Neither of us are good at it
Hold me sweet and soft
Sway with me to the melody
Nobody and nothing else
Exists in that moment
But for you and I, my love

I feel the darkness
Creeping in again
I don't care
I embrace it

It is part of me
As i lie here
At three A.M
Without a care in the world

My thoughts are my own
Who are you to tell me
If they are
Right or wrong?!

Dear Past me
I congratulate you.
You make me so amazed
And yet sick at the same time.
I am proud of your achievements
That much is true.
But you took advantage of your friends
Treated them horribly
And what did you get from it?
Nothing at all
So, i'm glad you learnt the error of your ways.
I can't believe you were ever that small.
I can't believe you wasted so much,
Yet saw so little.  

Dear Present me
You're a little ****** up
But thats okay, because you've admitted it
You've told people that you need help.
You need to do more for yourself.
You don't have to know everything yet,
Because, **** it, you are only fourteen after all.
Put a little bit more effort into things.
Be kinder
Take some time for yourself, don't worry about love
Love will find you when the time is right.
NOT YET!
For ***** sake, do your homework on time for once you lazy *****.
Help your mother around the house.
She need it, and you know it.
Keep improving, you can go two ways.
Hit rock bottom
Or keep going higher.
It's your choice which path you take
Please take the right one.

Dear Future me
Please say that you're successful
And living in a big mansion somewhere
Preferably on the beach
Or  that you own a private island
That would be nice too.
I hope you've gotten more mature over the years
Did you get the job you wanted?
If not, there's still time for you.
Go out and do stuff while you still can

Dear Me
I love you
Be strong, girl.
You can do it.

What a feeling it is
To see your friends talk without you
And believe that they don't want you
But to be told that they do

To read is to breathe
To write is to drink
To listen is to eat and
To wonder is to believe

We've gone so far now
We know each other

Floated amomgst the clouds together
Swam to the darkest depths of our minds
Ran on white sands and cheered each other on
Written ransom for unruly emotions

As the curtains close on the next act
Never are we wondering what to do next
We follow out hearts, and our minds
We are each enough for the other

We've gone so far now
We know each other

The touch of the body
The caress of the heart
The sync of the minds
We are enough and more.

What am i to do
When the music in my ears
Is my one escape?

I want someone to look deeper
Than the surface
To see what i really feel
To look at my eyes
Instead of my smile.
Because about six times out of ten
That smile is fake.

When you look at me, the first thing you notice will be my smile.
Bright and gleaming, and a little lopsided.
But if you look past that
You will see the hurt in my eyes.
The hurt in my eyes
That means my family has been fighting again.
The hurt in my eyes
That means i've been yelled at again.
The hurt in my eyes
That means i've hurt myself again.
The hurt in my eyes
That means i know i'm not enough.
The hurt in my eyes
That appears almost every day.

But usually
My smile works too well.
I need someone
To look at my eyes.
Because it is my eyes
And not my face
That show my true emotions.

I'm 100% Fangirl mode right now
I'm not even gonna lie.
They're just both so... so...
******* CUTE AGH I'M DYING!!

New thoughts
Invading my mind
Help me
This is not what i would usually find:

Sick and twisted
Blood and gore
Things that i've never,
Ever thought before.

"You can't have slaughter without laughter!"
"What's a funeral without a bit of fun?!"

Stop it
I'm scared
Please
GET OUT OF MY HEAD

I want some good food.
Maybe ice cream? Some Tacos?
I'm always hungry

My body is so tired
I'm exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally.
I just want a break
Is that too much to ask?
Apparently so, because
My brain is wide awake
And it wont let me sleep

Get ****** brain.
I'll just be tired and grumpy tomorrow
And that way everyone will get ****** at me.
Its not like you care is it? No.

You dont care.
You scream at me every time i eat something with sugar in it.
You whisper horrible things in my ears when i'm alone.
You convince me to hurt myself so i can feel something, after you've shut down all my other emotions.
You make me fall for people too late and too often and not enough.
You tell me i'm not enough.

*******
I just want to sleep
Stop putting these thoughts in my head and leave me alone.

For the first time in a long while
Today i smiled the first real smile

I knew a girl once...
Who is she? You'll see

I knew a girl once,
She was just like you or me
She never knew what was going on,
Didn't know how to act or to be.

I knew a girl once,
She was always really scared, unsure
Even though she tried her hardest
She was so insecure.

I knew a girl once,
She hated her appearance
She questioned every little thing
And wondered if people would care about her disappearance

I knew a girl once,
She was in a bad place
But then she got closer to you, and whenever you talked
It put a smile on her face

I knew a girl once,
Who waited by the phone
She texted you until three am
And suddenly she didnt feel so alone

I knew a girl once,
You helped her so much, you'll never know
Your kindness, your humour
As a person, it helped her grow

I knew a girl once,
Who came out of her shell
Now she can smile without trouble
And all is finally well

I knew a girl once...
Now shes Happy and Free
I knew a girl once,
And that girl is me.

You tease me
You trick me
You kiss me
You love me

A brilliant smile
A comfort like no other
And the sweetest kiss

His body is a temple
Sturdy and strong

His voice is beautiful
Deep and meaningful melody

His behaviour so heavenly
But his whispers and his touch sinful

Knock knock
Is anybody home?
It seems as if I'm hollow
To be forever alone.

The hole in my heart
Never filling up
The tears in my eyes
Never drying

My arm is itching
My eyes are twitching
Your speech is slurring
As you scream at me

Tell me i never listen
Tell me i'm not good enough
Tell me i'm a disgrace
It's nothing new.

I just saw my first ever
Horror movie film
I texted my friends
Do you know what they said?

They congratulated me
A metaphorical pat on the back
They said, good job!
"Congrats on losing your Horror Movie Virginity!!"

Zoe Grace curled in a ball
Zoe Grace wasn't able to deal with it all
All of her family and all of her friends
Couldn't put Zoe together again

I hide everything from everyone
Because I'm Afraid.

I'm afraid of what people would say.
What would they say if they could see
The red lines gracing my skin.
What would they say if they could see The bruises on my stomach that cannot be explained away.
What would they say if they could see
The tears in my eyes when i said i was fine.

Im afraid of what people would do.
What would they do if they knew that
I screamed at myself because i
Walked too close to the kitchen.
What would they do if they knew that I hit myself in the head repeatedly because the thoughts are too loud.
What would they do if they knew that
When i smile, it's so i don't cry.

As a result of my fear
I've grown increasingly good at lying.
The facáde i've build is impressive
For there are barely any cracks.

All this, because i don't want
The people i hold dearest and closest
To leave me.
I don't want to be alone.

I Am Afraid.

Darkness surrounds me
There isnt another way to describe it
I cannot hear anything
But does that mean i am alone?

A tail flicks past my eyes
Fur tickles my legs
Eyes burn red
Basked in shadow

Is that a man standing in the corner
Looking at me with his
Head tilted and smile wicked
Or is it my imagination?

I have somebody
He is perfect to me
Completely amazing
But he doesn't see what I see

Today i realised
That for the past month
I've been better and smiled more
Than i did all of last year.

I'm so much better now
Thanks to my friends
Who helped me through
My darkest times.

And even though i still sometimes go
To that dark, horrible place
They are still here
To take me home again.

They have the chance
To dance and twinkle like stars upon the page
But most of the time
They get lost in winding passages, my train of thought derailed

A heart of gold stopped beating
Two shining eyes now at rest
God broke our hearts to prove
That he only takes the best

Im fine

Thats what i say
Thats what they want to hear, right?
They want to hear that im ok
When they ask, they dont want to know the real answer
When they talk to me, they want a lighthearted conversation, a chat about the weather or something else trivial
They dont want to talk about my issues
Problems
Episodes
Pain
They say
None of that!
Dont be so serious!
Why do you feel so sad?
Why dont you get help?
Im busy.
I cant talk right now.
I cant deal with you.
Why do you do this to yourself?!
Stop it!

Im fine

Thats what i say to myself
Thats what i want to hear
I want to believe it
I want it to be true
But its not
The truth is that im broken
Inside and out

All my friends talk about
Is walking pigs down the street
And touching fake *****
Why are we like this

I write to feel
I read to breathe
I look at you for inspiration
The stars in your eyes
The gleam in your smile
The love in your heart

I write to feel
I read to breathe
You are my inspiration

An irreplaceable mirror
One of a kind
An irreplaceable memory
Stored in a photograph

The mirror, shattered
Shards lying on the floor
The photograph, tarnished
Smeared with paint

A room reeking of chemicals
Belonging to an asthmatic.
Being refused the refuge
Of sleeping on the couch.

A gouge in the wall
A long, scratched line
White smears across
A brand new, silver surface.

But we can't sue,
Or complain
Because your son
Runs our Real Estate.