I am drawn to it
Theres no doubt
Now that ive glimpsed behind the curtain
Theres no way I could live without

The wisdom there, the fantasy
All grounded within reality
Cleanse a room with a loud noise
Poise is no longer mandatory

Crystals, carving sigils
This is where I belong
After so long
I have finally found a place

It happened again
I thought i was past these things
God ******* **** it

**** yeah, it's snowing
Tiny specks of white float past
This is so much fun

I want to scream
I want to shout
I want to laugh
I want to doubt
I want to live
I want to cry
I want to smile
I want to lie
I want to love
I want to gasp
I want to shake
I want to grasp
I want to think
I want to speak
I want to see
I want to peek
What else?
I want to be held
I want to be loved
I want to be kissed
I want to melt
I want to turn on the radio
I want to dance to my favourite song
I want to turn it up real loud
I want someone else to simg along
I want to look
I want to hear
I want to learn
I want to be held dear
I want to be hugged
I want to break free
I want some comfort

I just want to be me

Most people dont believe me
When i tell them something isnt quite right
When i tell them i got overwhelmed
That one dark night
Alone in my room
Nobody answering my calls
I did something im not proud of.
And since then,
Ive done it again
And again
And again
And again
I cant seem to stop
But thats not what people dont believe
They dont believe me when i say
There is no blade involved.
It is still just as harmful
Its just easier to conceal
Easier to hide.
In public, it helps me
In the dark, it helps me
In the noise, it helps me
In the light, it helps me
I can hide it
Tell people its simply a bad habit
That i can stop easily
When in reality
It couldnt be furthur from the truth.
People ask
But how can there be scars if there is no blade?
And i say
There are thousands upon thousands of ways in which to inflict harm
I simply picked one.
I picked one that gave me pain
I picked one that teaches me strength
It makes me cunning
Resourcefull
Quick-witted
It isnt healthy, what i do
But it wouldnt seem that bad to you
After all, its just a tiny scratch.
Only a little pink scar.
For me,
Its how i deal with everything.
Life
Family
Friends
Stress
Dark
Light
Loud
Quiet
Pain­
Love
Ache
Longing.
Its just a tiny scratch
Just a few pink scars.
After ive covered it to the best of my ability
When its fresh
Its
Red
Raw
Blood
Pain
People dont need to see

I know i need sleep
But im really not that tired
And also, **** school

Theyll never know.
They dont see me for who i am.
They see the version of me that they want to see
Smiling and happy
Laughing and bubbly
Sometimes it makes me sick.
But despite it all
I go back to them everyday
With the same old mask plastered on my face
And pretend im happy.
I do it for them.
I do it for everyone.
They dont need to see the real me, because
They might leave if they did.

I'm not tired
But my eyes are sore
That's bad right?
Oh well

Do not mistake a cry for help
As a cry for attention

The smiles hide the screaming
The laughter hides the hurt
The "love" hides the cruel intentions
The gifts hide the truth.

My mask hides me

The insults don't lessen
The arguments don't cease
The swear words are abundant
The yelling never ends.

My panic overtakes me

The tears won't stop flowing
My fingers won't stop twitching
My arm won't stop itching
Help me hide from My Family

I love you
I will always love you
I will love you until I die
And if there is life after that
I will love you still.

Mother is not home
She is more than two hours late
Mum is never home.

You used to go by another name
AMELIA
Now you're somebody new, and your name is
NIKOLAI

When i was with you
My heart was at W.   A.    R.  
Questions and screams and bloodshed
Now you have my friend
I just hope you treat him right
You made out with him in the park
But did you really feel?
He doesnt deserve
To feel what i felt
When you had my heartstrings in your hands

Your touch lingers on my skin
A hand to my cheek
One passionate set of lips to another
Your teeth that grazed my neck so freely

You call me your siren
Beautiful and fair, a voice to match

To that, I call you my Sailor
For I am drawn to you as much as you are to me
I know in my heart that I chose you
And I'll follow you wherever you go

You call me your fae
Irresistable and enchanting

To that, I call you my Angel
You saved me from my darkest place
When I'm with you, my heart soars
And I feel so high above the clouds I forget my own name.

I lay here at night
Thinking about everything
Yet i feel nothing.

Why do i feel numb?
I used to be so happy
Now i feel nothing.

Shaking
Crying
Bleeding
Sighing

I need someone to hold me
In their arms
And tell me
That i'm going to be okay

I am Pansexual
No, that does not mean i am romantically or sexually attracted to kitchenware.
It means, simply, that:
I like boys
I like girls
I like everything other and in between.
I will support you and love you
No matter what you want to express yourself as.
You do you.
You are amazing.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I am pathetic
I will fall for anyone
Who is nice to me.

Arranged in neat rows
Colours bursting from the ground
Such a sweet smell
All around us is the sound

Of tittering old ladies,
And boasting old men
Life is wonderful, the sun is bright
Here in the peony garden

Your hair so soft
Your smile so sweet
Your teeth gleam white
You laugh with me

I'm not what you want
But I'm exactly what you need!
Take a bite and feed
Your satisfaction guaranteed.

I'm your sunshine, woah
I'm gonna burn down your parade!
I'm the shotting star that you wish,
You wished you never made!

I really dont know
How i feel at all, but i
Want to feel loved please.

Homework looks at me
I really do not want to
... **** it. Tomorrow.

Who knew I could be so
L
              O
                              W
But so
                                   H
                      G
           I
H
at the same time?  

It seems like my emotions are chosen at
               R                                      D
    N                    

                                      A
            
             O
                                                M

Let me get this STRAIGHT.
Hold on, I'm gonna run this BI you.
I wanna see how this PANs out, ok?
LES just see how this goes.
I need you to TRANSfer those papers.
Come on, I bet you ACEd the test!

One friend persues the other
Cloaked in twisted fantasies
Oblivious to her discomfort
His ears unwilling to hear the word
                             "No"
Making comments unsolicited
Longing looks innappropriate

She doesn't want it.

I'm reading through all my old poems
And uh
****
I can't believe I was that bad 0.o

Pillows muffle silent screams
Gone is the blood that fills my dreams
Im sick in the head, fevered whispers
A voice in my head i don't want to hear

Around me people laugh and smile
Ask me if i want to stay a while
I'm stuck so deep i'm barely moving
Once I was bubbly now i'm brooding

Biting lips and scratching arms
Nervous tick and lack of charm
I don't trust myself around a knife
I'm clinging to the side of life

Blasting music really loud
Blocking out all other sound
Panic attack in science class?
Thats easy! Drop and break the glass!

Press it deeper, deeper, on my skin
Its leaving marks, i'm sporting a grin
Whisper whisper, scream, shout!
Too much, too much, i need an out!

Is it possible
To smile and frown
At the same time?
For that is the emotion i feel.

IT'S SNOWING
IT'S SNOWING
IT'S SNOWING
ONE OF THEM LANDED ON MY NOSE!!

Sometimes...

Im dizzy and tired
My head is pounding
I'm ready to explode
I feel like i'm drowning.

Sometimes...

I'm awake and energetic
My feet are flying
I can't keep away the smile
I just don't feel like crying.

Things are better when
I'm not there to **** them up
I'm really sorry

Guys, I'm in Spain!
The S is silent.

I do not understand
My thoughts are all twisted in my head
So the mere thought of untangling that mess
Fills me with dread.

Threads tangled together.
The red for love, the yellow for friendship, the blue for isolation
All of them tangled in a heap
Complete and utter desolation.

More strings form more confusion
The colours blur together and make things unclear
Is that red i see? Orange, yellow or maybe green?
I cannot work out my feelings using the imput i get from here.

I cannot tell if i love or like you,
If i simply care for you the way a friend would
But i certainly dont look at you
The same way a friend should.

You make me laugh like nobody has in a while
Make me rethink my actions and other things.
So you can see why im confused
To find you pulling on my heartstrings.

I know i need to wait a while
Before saying anything to you
This is because i know i need to find out
If my feelings for you are true.

And if they are true,
Then, pray tell, what are they about?
Which feelings are they?
This i D E F I N A T E L Y need to find out.

So ill spend a little time pulling on my threads
Finding out when and where each feeling begins.
Where they end and where they meet
My little colourful strings.

Darkness around me does nothing
I used to run in fear
Afraid of the thoughts in my head
Now i embrace them

They only make me stronger
The shadows want to protect me
If i get hurt along the way
It is my own fault

Thank you for trusting me enough
To tell me
Who you truly are
On the inside.

I love you,
No matter what your name is
If you're my sister or my brother
You'll always have a place in my heart

Both legs under the covers
Nope, it's too hot.

Neither leg under the covers
Nope, it's too cold

One leg out of the covers and hanging over the side of the bed
Perfect
But the demon
In the shadows hiding,
Will get you
And pull you under
And eat you

Whispered words
Hushed tones
Breath that quickens
Face that reddens

Trembles take over
Shaking, reaching
Sweat starts to form
Your touch frees me

I texted him
Yeah?

Three times
Okay?

He hasnt responded in two hours
So?

Hes annoyed at me
Hes not annoyed at you

Hes mad at me
Hes not mad at you

He doesnt want to talk to me
Hes probably doing something important

I dont want to bother him
*Then don't. Hes busy, you ******* baby. Stop whining

The world dims when you're around
Everything stops, every single sound

I'm going to the markets
In a group of homophobes
Dressed like a ******* lesbian
I am a secret Gaygent

Who is this girl
Staring cold and lifeless
From within reflected glass?
She is not me.

Nothing comes to mind
I promised you a haiku
I'm sorry baby

Why did I fall for you
If you won't
Even talk to me anymore?

I am forced to watch
As the one i think
That i might love
Laughs with another

Nobody talks long enough to comfort me
Nobody stays long enough to help me
Nobody looks long enough to notice me
Nobody cares for long enough to love me

For once in my life
Words are not enough
To express what i feel

It is as if I feel every emotion
All of them and once, and yet
None of them at all.

I need to cry
I want to cry
So why won't the tears flow?

The darkness hides in plain sight
It has realised that i won't fight
Reaching fiercely as i might
My outstretched hand can't touch the light.