Black dreams as my soul begins to leak
Dark thoughts as I reach a sudden peak

Creek, bury the sacrament.
The woods hold many secrets.
Truths that burden us with psychological pain...

Gain.

The demons have rained

Curses our soul and steals it away from us.
Soulless is my empty feeling...
Dead.
I need thoust no healing.

In the darkness I seek the light

Height.
I look down as my stomach begins to turn.
Twisting knots of intestines and guts begin to pour.

A hole has formed.

Staring...
Down to the pits of hell.
****** hands and discreet bodies as crying screams echo below.
My ears ache.

A mind so real
The depth is at stake

****** over it all.
Don't even give a **** anymore.
**** everything.
*******.
**** it.
Bored, depressed, hopeless, toxic.
Empty, numb, cold, alone.
**** Astrology, **** Spirituality, **** Love, and **** him.
Everything I loved, is long gone.
I don't give a **** anymore.
I feel stupid, worthless, shameful, sad.
No motivation, no will, no energy, no self love.
Just loathe, feelings of helplessness, drained, exhausted.

My life is private, my secrets drenching in hopeless fear.
I express out loud, longing for admiration.
Yet, I hold everything in, saying nothing, no word my tongue could ever expose.
Fake friends, liars, backstabbers...
They only miss me once I’m gone.
I left, secretly disappeared without a knowledge to anyone.

But once they know I’m gone, is when they start to miss me.
I’ve moved on, left the city and started new in a different one.
I left like the wind with a cold dryness in the air.
Unspeakable, they only coming back cuz they know I’m not around.

Incomplete, I’ve learnt to never trust anyone ever again.
Deep thoughts hit and I know what’s going to happen before it does.
Caused by experience, pain, loss, and abuse.
I avoid it all, and seclude myself in my mysterious fantasies that will never come to my reality.
I live life in despair, knowing that I’m the curse, the darkness itself.
I’m the person who’s devil you speak the name of.
I’m your nightmares in your lost daydreams.

Too much intensity, I may be trouble.
But my deceiving nature has you thinking otherwise... doesn’t it?

Maybe it’s just thoughts of people talking about me constantly, even though it’s not real.
Nothing is.
My illusion is my nightmare and my delusions is my reality.
Im never going back.
They probably never going to see me ever again, but I guess it’s satisfying to make them think otherwise.
To make them think that I still love them and we probably still friends.
But when I was around, where were they without my effort?

Without my effort, everything is at loss.
I prefer to label these people as my aquaintances.
Calling them my friends is just a facade to cover up my intense loneliness caused by my experienced deep ridden trust issues.

I have no friends.
I like it that way.
I stay detached cuz people are worthless to me.
I like being alone, it’s my new cure.
With my seclusion, I am nothing more to be.

If I call you my friend, please don’t get confused when I ghost you and never actually talk to you, but I end up coming back few months later saying how much I miss you and love you.

Don’t we all do that?
This darkness of truth and lies all hidden inside of us.

Disappearance, keep your distance.

I creep upon the shadows that do nothing but follow.
I lift above the ground like the angels, I have found.

A failure to results but a successor in the making, I'm battling through the crowd but somehow I'm still smiling and faking.

Hope, I still carry
Faith, I am not in a hurry
Courage, I am still building
Wisdom, I am still learning

To all that life has to offer, I am just accepting...

Pain; self doubt
Drain; a sad pout
Broken; Fixing myself up
Unspoken; I am learning to let it all out

Selfish and sinful, stubborn and hard to fulfil,
but through the cracks within me, I am trying to focus where I want to be.

Dark and depressive, lost and suppressive, misunderstood and aggressive...

HELP... I call out
Fix me... I shout
Make me fly... I just want to let it out

But unfortunately I fear...
I fear what people may say
I fear things will not go my way
I fear the darkest day
I fear my emotions won't go away.

I have not treated my ghost well
I have kept my  deep secrets hidden
and this left me feeling dark and dull.

I chose Satan because he gave me power, then I saw the light, now it is my god that I pray to every hour.

Invincibility and visibility is what I craved
The feeling made me well behaved
But deep within me I am not well
Sick; strange, and hiding like a shell.

But I need to break the shell...

Lines and lines, druggy times.
Bleeding nostrils and racing thoughts.
Fast heart beats and feeling distraught.
Alert and awake, thoughts are chasing me in a maze.
I've lost it, I'm back on the powder.

They call me Kat, because my spirit animal is one of a cat like creature, and my drug of choice.
Fierce, sneaky, stealthy, and mischievous.
Kat is my name, one of many different personalities.
Freaky is her demeanor.

Wired and full of energy, mind is coming down, muscle spasms are happening.
I need to sleep, 2 in the morning and I'm writing forbidden thoughts.
Dreams that are nightmares that aren't stopping, I have no hold.

Will it ever stop?
Control before it becomes an addiction.
Hold, or the demons will rain, toxic tears to my waking existence.

When people find out they have a certain amount of time left to live, it breaks them.
When a loved one passes away, regrets start pouring.
Unspoken words filtrate and reminiscing of memories elaborate.

****** up, ain't it.

If I had a certain amount of time left to live, I would use it wisely.
I would be happy, because life to me is pointless, I'm not suicidal, or maybe I am.
But I would rather die.
If I had cancer, I would suffer in happiness, hoping not to get better.
Honest thoughts, I WANT TO DIE.

Easiest suicide method, a gun to the head.
May take a few minutes to bleed out and die afterwards, but where to get a gun with such little cash.

Life is an ongoing cycle of pain, loss, betrayal, and abuse.
I AM SICK OF IT

Physically, mentally, and spiritually drained.
Emotionally abused and always taken advantage of by toxic people.
I need help, but I don't want it, because when I'm happy, it starts again.

**** ME

The pain and hurt and loneliness I feel inside is not worth it anymore.
I cannot do this anymore

POINTLESS

No motivation, no will, I have nothing left to live and be grateful for.
My sacrifices mean nothing and I am just a worthless burden to all.

Dread, boredom, hate, pain.
No needles, no fixing.
Nothing to bend the pain, nothing to distract.
Swivelled in chaos.
music to distract me from it all.
Nowhere to go, nowhere to run.
Videos that only take me to escapism, but nothing more.
Confusion, the boredom consumes my entire being, there is no cure.
Dissatisfied profusely, my form to mental destruction.
Where is the light?
What do I do?

I stared in front of me, at a peculiar object that had no formality.
It was a bland wall, had no opening, nor space, just blank.
It was oddly amusing, trying to foresee beyond it, trying to see what could be the meaning behind it.
The wall had no writing, or drawings, no patterns, or carvings.
Staring blindly, I couldn't see.
"Change your perception, use a different sense"
The voice said.
Pressing my hands against it, resting my forehead on it, and closing my eyes.

I felt it

I heard the banging, the screaming, the blood spattering, the squealing, the gasping, the echos, the sounds crying out for help.
I heard the knife slashing and gun shooting, I heard it all.
I suddenly felt something jolt through my body, like an electric shock.
I landed hard, back first on the ground.
Losing consciousness...

I saw it

I saw everything. EVERYTHING.

Waking up in a blanked out terror, I finally understood it.
It was me, in the form of my subconscious.
A metaphor of the desperate plead, cries, and help I call out to those that I love.
But, silent echos cannot whisper in the dark, and my voice cannot be heard.
SO, I suffer more, all by myself.

Yes, You can see the wall, but, if you choose not to listen to it, you won't see what's behind it, on the other side.
You choose to be misunderstanding.
You choose to be ignorant, and brain washed by lies.
But, if you actually took your own time and tried to feel the wall without any fear, maybe, just maybe, you would truly understand.

So, I stare at this bland wall, has no opening, no space.
But when I heard and saw what was on the other side, my perception changed.

Hidden inside, are the secrets within,
the bland wall has no opening,
The key has disintegrated into tiny pieces, not even, the deadly acid.
The key has sunk inside and has become a part of the acidic death.
Now the lock is unlockable, where the secrets are trapped within.

Writhe not, because the depth consumes it,
deep like an ocean, like the dark world thoust lay beneath  is scarce and feared, hated and discreet, and not warmly deared.

As black as hell, the coral beneath is as red as the dark rose wine, looks insidious, hidden and dwell.
The demons lay beneath and do not seek,
thou seek when the winters are dry, the bare **** trees, and a dead body... in a bed of cries.

Skeleton build with muscle, cells, tissue, organs and fat...
is the book cover that had no key, the body that died in tragedy.
The woman that had no he nor she, lonesome and scared, supressed and helplessly dared.

Dared to die alone, rot and starve, no one gave a ****,
because she was invisible to all and there was no one to whom she could confide.

Her ghost kept all kinds of secrets, even the ones all curable and not in weakness.
She went insane, her mind thoust blood it had rained.
Satanic and the devils child she became,
once was heavens angel, sweet and innocent, and was always at bay.

Parents murdered, home burnt down...
she cried a waterfall, for endless days in her mothers gown.

Lived alone, and never whispered a word...

Everything changes, the growth of your hair, the spiral of your spine, the bend of your knees and the transformation of your soul. Take a risk, take a step, take a leap, face the challenges and embrace the change.
Adaption, shapeshifting, new beginnings, and new eras in life.
Here we embark, together we shake the storm.

"I got something to tell you, but don't know how I'ma say it
I guess that I could only say one thing
Boy, I been bad again, Boy, I been bad again
And I use 'em
When I'm faded I forget
Forget what you mean to me
Hope you know what you mean to me
Pick, up your phone
The party's finished and I want you to know
I'm all alone..."
...
I been using them to distract me.
I been using them for fun.
But, the parties finished, and I want you to know, I'm all alone, and I always want you when I'm coming down.

Addicted, to fun like it's a drug.
I take what I like and I like what I take.
But, I always just want you, when I'm coming down.
Baby, don't leave me.
Don't be angry, they not important.
You are.
I need you, not them.
They just toys, but you something special.
I am rather secretive and discreet about my intentions and motives, I don't tell, I don't whisper a word.
I do this sin, without anybody knowing.
No one, but me knows.
I just, always want you, when I'm coming down, daddy.

Why was I made to exist? To merely experience life through sorrowful eyes.

I drown so deep, I question all my feelings and try to make excuses as to why I feel a certain way.
Certain ways I don’t even understand.
If I was made to bring a revolution and change perception, then why should I **** myself just by doing so?
So empty and hollow, the wall has enclosed.
If I was born to be misunderstood, why is it so easy for me to understand and accept everyone else, even those who discredit me.

The voices in my twisted mind. Who are they? Are they real? Is it my intuition? Or is it intuition turned into nerve aching anxiety.
Writhing inside of me, eating every part of my disillusioned sanity.
If I seize to exist to help those who put me down and call me crazy, then why is it worth it?

If I could hang myself right now tight around the neck where I might snap my spine... why would it matter?
I’ve accepted being alone, being lonely is now contentment. Peace.
Drained by others negativity, pulling me down like strings by their problems.
If I was meant to show my true form, why is it that I live in different facades.
Questioning who I am every single ****** day.

I hear people constantly talk about me, in my mind.
Is it intuition? Or mere delusion.

I’m dead. Empty. My purpose in life is to physically die so I can finally go back to where I came from. Other dimensions where I truly belong.

Disentanglement, I lose myself in fear.

"Thought I found a way, a way out, but you never go away...
So, I guess I gotta stay.
Isn't it lovely, all alone, heart made of glass, my mind of stone, tear me to pieces, skin and bone."
"Somethings on my mind, Need to get out my headspace..."

Tear me to pieces, rip me apart, kiss me slow, hold me down, and touch me low.
Feel the flow. Gradually pulling you towards me.
Holding you close. Take me out of my head space.
I don't know what feels true.
Let me crawl inside your veins.
Hide you away, lock you up in my treasure chest.
Keep you, you're mine.
Take my wall down, let's do the unthinkable, I think I'm ready...
I learnt to lose, can't afford to anymore.

Death is life
Life is death
But nothing ever really dies...
As life continues its tests

I do not fear death...
I fear life instead
I fear living because I may not be a major success.
Yet, I still strive to do my best

I take life like a river that flows...
Slow and steady, not harsh and weary

Life is a game and death is its trophey...
As reincarnation occurs to give you second chances, to complete your souls journey.

Life is never ending, as your corpse rots...
Your soul is ever burning.
We are a spirit in a humans body...
We are ghosts in a seen form.

We are death as we **** mankind.
We are death as we destroy nature.
We are death in our own norm.

I woke up, in hospital, the visions and dreams I had were scary.
Some were real, some were not.
I thought the dream of actually being in hospital was a nightmare.
Then I realized, the suicide attempt didn't work.
I vomited everything out, but some of it is still in my system, making me very drowsy, this isn't a poem, it's a confession.
I attempted to **** myself, but it wasn't the right time.
I have faint memories of what happened.
Most of them were scary as I was drugged on the medication, seeing delusions that weren't real.
I won't do it again, I learnt my lesson.
My mom brought me home, to keep an eye on me and give me direction, I'm doing well, yet, still very drowsy and nauseous.
She flew all the way down to see me in hospital, I was in ICU for 3 days.
I almost died, if I closed my eyes before the ambulance came, I would've.
That was the point, but, it was all an illusion.
Never overdose on your prescribed bipolar meds.
Never overdose on anything.
...
Never attempt suicide

Hello darkness, my old friend.
It's been a while.
Can you feel the tension, the pain.
The blood has started pouring again.
The blade hit my thigh and drip, did the drops go.
The depression came back, harder than it did before.
Sudden, like an electric shock.
Sitting all alone in the darkness.
My body feels numbs, but my wounds hurt, but not as much as the pain inside.
Feelings of intensity, emotion of density.
Fragile and lost.
Soulless and  incomplete in these dark stages I encounter.
Drag me along to the pits of the underground, where I belong.
Burn me alive whilst I ache in torment and misery.
Banish me, whilst the claws rip me apart, inch by inch.
I am exposed, while hiding my feelings is something I'm used to.
But, you opened me, and there's no sewing me back together.

Music is my soul
Fate is my life
Love is my strength
But i fear like a knife

Knowledge in my mind
Prosperity I strive
Inner peace I feel
But still cold as ice

Mean as I am
Superficial I might be
Heartless I may seem
But all my friends still love me

Life is a game
A battle it may seem
Play the cards right
Then you shall see

Born an angel
But die a devil I shall
Live life, learn
Make your own mistakes
Just hope it all ends well

Insanity at its best
But sometimes at its worst
Listen to you instincts
Give your mind a rest

Life is a test
You better study hard
Pass or fail
Just choose the right card

Only thing that really matters in the end
Is your happiness
The worst strengthens your inner core

Rejoice the good times
And don't listen to what em' haters gotta say!

Peace, Love, life, death....Passed the first 3....the last won't be a tragedy.

I want you to feel it.
The pain, the pleasure, the greed, the sin.
Feel it writhe up inside of you.
I want to destroy you.
I want your flesh to peel off your raw skin.
Sin embellishment of lingering thoughts.

Freak out, lose yourself slowly.
Disintegrating flesh turning to ash, to dust, to nothing.
It kills me inside, it's too deep to explain.
I want to **** it.
I want to **** you.
I want to end it.

Tell me the truth?
AM I WHAT YOU TRULY SEE?
Or are you lying to me?

*******

Answer me.
Don't make me wait
You all look the same to me.
NUMB
****** peasants.
Humans **** me off
idiots

Pretentious  behaviour and forbidden thoughts.
Show yourself.

NOW

You all weak to me, stand up for yourself.
Stand up for what you believe in.
Stop being ****** Sheep!!!!!!!!

You hate the truth?
That's why you hate me...
I love it.
Face death in it's ****** face and rip the mask off and build your ****** strength and stop being like everyone ****** else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get off your ****** ***, and make the change.
Before time runs out and you sitting on the street wondering what happened to your kids.

The truth is ****** ugly...
FACE IT

Choose one:

- A vampire needing blood, because they lose their power. So, they
  **** people and torture humans in order to get it.
- A fallen angel needing love, because it loses power. So, it manipulates, charms, and leads people into falling in love with them so can steal their heart.

ALL FOR THEIR OWN GAIN

                   Power

My thoughts are self explanatory.
Endless mind creations stay undiluted.
Muted; I express in poetry and art
Misunderstood; So I stay to myself

                   **Executed

New beginnings...
Changes that are happening as I walk...
A *** of gold awaits...
Do I take what I worked for?
Do I leave it to shred.

There I go again, hands to my face, sinking deep, way bottom where ocean-less ties rip you apart.
Lost all meaning, to life, to live.
To love is now madness and hate is my deceit.
I stay pitiful in my thoughtless mind, where my black dreams, leak.
Pour into nothingness.
The emptiness cascades and to the void I become.

They say, look into the mirror, tell yourself good things and be positive.
I stare into my empty soulless eyes...
I see death.
I see darkness.
I see hollow shadows carving my skin.
Under my eyes, is exhaustion.
Faintly fatigue.
Pits of gory sadness staying attached to me.

The depression I live in, the depression I’ve lived in my whole life, it became who I am.
Being unwanted, used, unloved, abused, tormented, rejected, hurt, broken, useless, thrown away, kicked out, misunderstood, defeatless, weak...
IS THE PAIN OF WHO I AM NOW.

I try drowning myself, it feels too difficult, I lift my head out of the water gasping for air.
The medication, the overdoses, all ended up having me in hospital, still alive, unfortunately.

As I was born to die, why do I exist?
I am nothing.
I am empty.
I am dark.
I am useless.
I am alone.

I don’t trust people.
I don’t even trust myself anymore.

To live through hurt and getting broken by someone else is not something I can go through anymore.
I’ve made that choice, to live my whole empty shallow life as a lost loner.

Since everyone leaves, the only person I have is myself, no matter how much I hate her.
She’s a monster, the ****** devil.
I hate her.

When I look into my eyes, I see nothing.

>It burns in me the love that couldvé formed. The erotica that couldvé been extablished, the depth that could've been formulated. But you left, and all I'm left with is your unwanted scars and burdens that are not mine. The grass is wet and the sun is hot, but my soul is in pain and lingers for yours. **** me like you hate me, but, kiss me like you miss me.

<I started to love and the love that surrounds me can be as deep as a cannon that has been created but I'm not left with my left eye. The grass is wet and the sun is very hot, but my soul is sick and sick for you · · · You miss me as much as you love me, zeitgeist / ts?t???st, z?t???st / name for Valerie's Dictionary. You hate me as I do condoms; However, as the story evolved through thoughts and thoughts, a specific period of time in the spirit of emotional zeitgeist in the mid-nineteenth century: Zeit 'time' + geist 'spirit' is in German. There is love within me that engenders inner love. But I apologize for my injuries. The grass is wet and the sun is very hot, but my life will be tormented. I do not know if you do not like me, but you say: "I'm not telling you." There is a love that can be formed in the depths. But give me some scars. The grass is wet and the sun is very hot, but my soul stays in it. I do not know if you do not like me, but you say: "I'm not telling you."

>I'm not telling you, But I'd love to whisper the words that conform to your being of thoughtless scrutiny. Whisper back in a silent forecast and let your words be heard by me. As the wet grass sinks in the sand, I see our love has sunken too. Nothing but the pain to hold onto. You love me, but is it enough? I love you, and it's enough. Your love is poison and it's intoxicating to my existence. Like a harsh summer breeze that is hard to foresee, can I still write my feelings without thinking I am delusional, ought to be. Love me hard but your toxicity stands in the way, as your feelings en-dour, my love stays true. A consistent loyalty that leaves a bruise. Before you know it, you left, as you said you would. Cut me out like a harsh knife that needs no razor blade, like a clean slice, you just left me in your scars. But with that pain, for some reason, even if I have let you go, I still love you.

<Cut my heart out with a knife or razor blade for a clean slice, just leave your mark.

>Leave your mark but don't leave a scar. Bury your sacred existence elsewhere and leave me to live and love on my own. It's suffocating, it buries my soul, without you, I am free to breathe on my own. The sun is hot, the grass is wet, without your love, I feel free, not dead, consumed by other things, like my mind itself.

The haunting creeps up on you...
Eats you inside and devours every piece of your sanity.
The eyes stare in a long craving...
Holding you down till the depths of your despair.
Begs you to open up your mouth, till close, you cannot because of ripped open jaws.
The evil lingers onto you like a curse...
Claws...
they scar you and create a burden of dread.
The itch...
Painful and gory.
Your soul...
Empty and cold.
Ancient and old...
Dead in misery...
The deep dark hole,
Minds amputated in brainwashed delusions...
The craft of witchery,
A long lost mystery...

This addiction is eating me alive.
I try to deny it but it consumes my every nerve.
I want it, I need it, I can live without it but sometimes I need it.
I just crave it so badly sometimes.
I try to deny myself of such...
I can live without it and tell myself I don't need it, but other times I just go mad....
Insane, deranged, Why is this craving lingering onto me like an evil curse...
I feel it inside of me...
Manifesting in me, attaching itself to me...
Addiction is a drug itself.

Your pretensions have you doing wrong.
You misleading yourself into opinions and facts that are brainwashing your own thoughts and integrity.
It's interrogating your thoughts and your actions have you proving wrong.
Are you really who you say you are or are you faking the person you show?
It's mind ******* isn't it...
No one is whom they say they are, but who they say they are is just a clone of them trying to be different, not realizing that they they just like everyone else.
The proven truth is that, everyone is like everyone, not everyone is different, and not everyone can try to be.
Everyone that exists lives off other people, influences, brainwashes and media.
Everyone is trying to be someone else and something they are not.
We call ourselves different, imperfect, significant, and unique.
But the truth is that we are all the same and none of us are unique, we are insignificant is this vast universe.
Just admit that we are all regular people trying to be something we are not.
It's not wrong to admit such, it proves that you are just human and we are all on different journeys, the soul however, the same, the canvas is different, same tears, same form...
Arms, legs, fingers, sweat, scars, veins...
We bleed the same and all wear clothes.
It's fine to be like everyone else, it's okay.
We don't have to different, just, indifferent.
And that is the answer, stop admitting your rights, start admitting your wrongs too.

I am just a worthless liar, I am just an imbecile.
Trust in me and you will fall, I will turn around and leave.
I will only complicate you, my emotions will have you doing wrong.
My worth is of no use to yours, you're too good.
I dance in my flames.
Flames that ravish my desires.
Why won't I stay?
The love never lasts and fights betray.
My fists are my words and my words are a knife.
It opens the wounds as the truth is then revealed.
I don't trust nobody, but somehow, everybody trusts me.
I will love you forever, if you can stay, to wash away this pain.
Don't leave me, then I won't leave you.
No one seems to like me, but there are a few that love me, love me for the pain, love me for the scars, because, I am just a worthless liar, trust in me, and you will fall.

Control, wrap you around my little finger.
Have you doing things that are of immoral and uncanny nature.
Have you running around in circles.
Questioning my next move.
Jealousy makes you ugly, but jealous because you cannot have me, I must be flattered.
The devil in disguise, Sukkubus is her name.
Dance with me in sin and ravish my deep desires.
I control you, I have dominance over you.
My little peasant trying so hard to please me.
How cute.
Ego is filling up.
Feelin myself a bit too much.
But these sinful feelings make me happy, because I love being in control.
I love how you say nasty things about me because you cannot have me.
I smirk in devilish charm.
My magnitude pulls you in.
Magnetism.
Power.
The only thing that keeps me sane.
The master of puppets is at it again.

Love
An overrated term. Yet meaningful in existence.
For all that I see, hear, touch, smell, and feel.
I seem to not feel the love I desire.
I want someone to look at me and want me.
I want someone to need me.
Or maybe, I'm just a little liar.

Maybe I deflect, and object.
Maybe I conceive and fumagate.

Maybe the love I want is too powerful for anyone to give me.

No, I am not lonely, but it would be nice.
To have such, to feel such.
To have loving eyes look at you like you the only person in their eyes.
To have a touch that only the deepest seas could bare.

My heart is frozen, my hands are cold.
Shivering in cold heat.
Beat, I may defeat.

The battle, the inflicted pain.
The emotion, inner turmoil down the drain.
May I only feel the deep love one day.
For I wish, I bury myself six feet deep.
Love.
An overrated term, but meaningful in existence

It hurts...
Like a stabbed wound being punctured with nails.
Stop hurting me.
Why??
I ask.
Why must I suffer in silence like this.
I sometimes wonder if my loneliness shows on the outside.
The way I shake and quiver on the inside.
Burnt to pieces.
Torn apart and bruised.
Broken.
Lost in the abyss.
The torturous darkness of emptiness and pain.
It hurts.
Stop.
I don't want to be this lonely.

My soul cries, for it never ends.
Will I be, denied, tourniquet.
My sorry soul.
Lingers in the path of hopeless screams.
Desires that reach no peak and voices that have no meaning.
Blood that spatters in a pool of red liquid.
Like a fountain of twisted nightmares, all gathered into one torn drenched wet coat of seamless stitches.
I wait, but you don't appear.
You wait, but I don't arrive.
Perfect by nature, I endure self indulgence.
Look what you made me.
A worthless bag of a desperate plead.
Have you no shame, don't you see me?
You've got everybody fooled with your filthy lies of manipulation.
Without the mask, where will you hide?
Can't find yourself, lost in your lie.
I don't love you anymore.
You don't know how you betrayed me.
You killed me.
I have NEVER felt pain the way you stabbed it in me.
Through my vessels, my skin, my muscles.
So the revenge I took, and you came back begging.
Remorseless I was, I was too powerful for your burdens.
Stronger I became, and I laughed behind your back in pure happiness and sacrificial power.
You, will NEVER, defeat me.

<There is a violent madness that hides inside all of us, some oppress the chaos, others live in denial.
Once in a blood moon, hidden in a dark room, vibrations of bedlem, a paracosm of two.
For the world that we see through a hidden marquee, a putrid stream for the mentally ill.
Yet with no hesitation, a dark star pulsating, you plunge into the void then pull me through.
Fret not for each thought gives birth to brilliance as we stir the cauldron of the sacred brew.
Blood and water, son and daughter, resilient to the universe we devour and consume.

>I wait silently.... hopelessly, for you.
As if your muse is not enough to pulsate me. My nerves twitch like a drug in your veins. Your words have me in thought everyday, as words really are your forte. Do I imagine it? Or question it? For the violent madness that runs beneath is only left for you to go deep. Living in chains has you so locked you stay stuck to my chaos like glue.
I hope you feel me like I feel you.

<Castration of inward vibrations...Reverberate through these impetuous echo halls. Catapult cadaverous over scrupulous normalities, I choke on every word I hold...
Let us baptize our divine ineptitude in a cauldron of glorious lore.
Most of them are oblivious to the revelation of rushing thunder.
Dripping needles, perfidious servitude teetering the precipice of war.
The voices in your thoughts are the same voices in mine. These voices whisper incantations in the darkness..
There are many in our dreams who watch us sleep, it is they who know us really well. For our talents with our words are hidden in the ink deep in a place we love to dwell. Yet still, it comes a surprise to me we are more than some choose to believe. With a flick of our pen, the stars light the night, we create worlds without even trying.

>If sirens could rush whispers in your soul, you would feel the drums of their forbidden thoughts... lost in hopeless misery, as it consumes your whole being, you feel nothing left but a desire to be, to yearn, to hold. As ever so captivating, thrilling. Can you feel me within you? Holding you down and longing for your mentality. I love to hear you, in words of lost beats

<Ever-so often I feel the rush, I hear the whispers, I feel the drums of passion hit. Each provocative thought and memory a glorious, forbidden, carnal gift. Deeply yearning to merge all emotions until the dock is crushed by the mighty ship. Splashing and churning, sweating and burning, enthralled, trembling and wet. And yet hopelessness and misery that inevitably follows, have left me broken and split. I am sorry to say I feel nothing now but chaos, fear, and regret.

In this coffin I lay, eyes shut and mouth open wide.
Strangled to death, but alive.
Barely making it, but taking the stride.

Why hide?
She walks with so much confidence
She's so beautiful
She's so inspirational
WOW, I wish I had that much confidence'
You not like other woman
How is she so fearless?

My past is dark, my body is bruised, my skin is scarred, and my blood still leaks.
Taking me years to get to this stage of self love, I've been through battles, days where I thought I was about to die.
Days where I thought nothing could help, punched in the face and defeated to ash, sleepless nights and robbed of all dignity, and days where I only slept and drained myself.
My battle wounds are still visible, I live for the fight and I will die fighting, never back down.
A black panther walks with grace, handles with strategy, and fights with integrity, still holding it's head **** high, a beautiful creature, they say.
Tougher than a lion, effortlessly, without even trying.
The animal kingdom has a new King, and it's me, the alpha female.
I ain't like other woman, I embrace and devour courage, strength, bravery, fearlessness, independence...
Staring death in it's ****** face and ripping that **** mask off and whispering, "who's the coward now, beautiful"
laughing sarcastically, DEATH does not exist, nothing ever really dies, a soul lives for eternity until the journey is accomplished, a champion never gives up, determination and pride, a self encouraged vanity.

So, in this coffin I lay, eyes shut, mouth wide open, strangled to death.
But somehow, through all the physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental pain...
(Laughs in sadistic mystery)
I am still alive.

"It be safest if you ran, that's just what they all just end up doing in the end."
''Take my car, paint it black, take my arm break it in half, say some things, I never said, it's too quiet in this room I need noise"

I need the blood in the cut, I need the drip of the blood to tell me it's right.
I'm scared of losing you, maybe a cut will help heal my pain.
Emotions this intense, I've never done this in a while.
But memories are coming back, negative emotions I cannot face.
I envy what might happen if I lost you, I fear what might happen if you left.
They all ended up leaving, what makes you so different, that it won't happen again.
Memories of feeling empty, lost, confused, speculated into one piece of a disaster gone wrong.
Never meant for any of this to happen, but it did.
I love you, I don't wanna lose you.
I need you, I don't wanna be away from you.
But my guilt has taken over, and I feel bad.
I don't wanna lose you, but I'm losing myself.

Thoughts are consumed...
Raptured in the memory.
Emotions are intense, I feel them at the highest of my capabilities.
I want to to cry, but drowning in black blood is not what I intentionally have in mind.
I get consumed, by every guy I am with.
Hookup, relationships, flings.
I can't control it.
And it overtakes my whole being until I have to force myself to detach from it.
This new guy, that I want to be with, forever.
I'm already overthinking and analyzing it way into the future where it shouldn't even be.
It's long distance, and we communicate over the phone 24/7.
But it's not enough, I want him here, I want him now.
The anticipation is building, the tower is forming, I don't want it to collapse.
I want him now!
He's only moving here in April.
I'd have to wait this long just to see the love of my life.
In sadness and gloom, I ponder.
Boredom strikes and I have no one to talk to.

I cut the friends with benefits off, I realized the energy was toxic and it wasn't going to be good for me in the long run.
However, I was completely consumed by him too.
At least I'm over it now, but now this other guy stays on my mind like it's last drainage of blood left.
It's like my mind needs to have men on it, or if it's doesn't, it stays and dwells in endless boredom that leads to a dark depression.
Feelings are deep, the waves hit the rocks in the black ocean.
I see nothing but him.
I only want to be with him.
But I say this about every guy I'm with, so what makes this one any different?

EMOTIONS AS DARK AS THE DEATH OF TORTUROUS BODIES AND WALL SCRATCHING.
A SURGE OF PAIN INFLICTION AND HEAVY TOXICITY, FAINTEST TO THE TOUCH.
I FEEL MY MIND LURKING, IN PLACES WHERE THEY SHOULDN'T BE.

We agreed that this relationship with one another will be polyamorous.
Yet, I'm getting jealous, possessive thoughts at the sight of him with anyone else but me.
I literally only want to use other guys as a pitiful distraction, nothing more, nothing less.
This is painful.

Alone, lost.
Forbidden.
Trapped in financial constraints.
Stuck in bed.
No hope left.
Don't really care anymore.
Bored, drained, flat out.
Done.
I'm going to be alone forever.
This is what I get for being a good person.
Cutting everyone I can't trust off.
There's no one left.
I'm left here to rot.
Ridiculed.
I want to die

Nothing ever matters at the end.
People, they come, they go.
The days and years go faster than they come.
At the end, I was made from dust and ill just go back to that.

I stand as alone, as eternal to what life seems to be.
To be it not.
For I am no longer me

In a haze...
Saddened, bored, in isolation.
Dealing with all the pain, loss and hurt in the silence. Dealing with Bordem and hidden feelings coming to the surface of me.

20 breakdowns, and still managing to smile.

Tired, brain dead

My persona may show differently , but I'm private and hiding in my curtains

When will I see the light of day?

Intense, emotional, transparent
An Awakening through the darkness.

Forced to deal with the feelings I kept myself detached from for so long 🙃

Sleeping all day all night 🌙

I feel numb, detached, cold, hardened.
Locked away, kept a secret.
No one to have, no one to talk to.
No one who understands.
I feel alone, left withering.
No one who supports me.
I feel emotionally emotionless.
I feel like dying.
I feel like this anguish will never end.
Left in a prison cell, to rot.
I feel helpless, like I can't breathe, gasping for air, catastrophic.
Help me.
Burnt to ash, cold stone.
No one who understands my pain.
No one who I can trust.
Distant, wavering in lonely distraught.
Tears of blood burn my eyes.
What's next?
Wanting to **** myself but scared of the physical pain that I would have to endure in order to die.
Left alone.
No one to talk to.
No one who cares.
Left to rot, in my prison cell.

I guess I could say, I've emotionally detached from myself, my feelings.
The longing, the pain, the yearning
It disappeared.
Like thin air, ice dripping, frozen, hard.
Cold sweat.

I have it all.
One could say I'm the luckiest person they've ever met.
I live in a luxurious home, I have a high authoritive position in my job, I'm in the process of living my dreams and becoming famous.
I'm glowing, my skin has never been so radiant.
I'm happy.

Yet, the snowflakes fall in my heart, and it feels like I've become....
Nothing.

So detached
A piece of me is trembling and fighting for that pure feeling.

I've invested myself into my goals, my work, to the point of not even feeling or needing love.

Everything is so pointless to me like the drip of a million raindrops that don't hit the ground.

Withering and floating in the air, left to wander.

I am complete.
Yet, a deep part of me still wants that intense love.
To feel is pain
To touch is lightning

But now, I feel nothing

I realized, I can't live without you.
What has it come to.
I feel straddled, scared, not secure.
Up and down, tumbled like a roller-coaster.
Bipolar complexities and nuclear power.
Brains at an over load.
Overthinking , over-analyzing obsessive thoughts of you.
It's annoying, draining, completely mentally exhausting.
I am drawn out, fatigue, over blown.
Overstimulated.

I want you out of my head.
Leave.
Escape my thoughts so I can be at peace.

Split personalities playing mind games again.
The heart of an angel, mind of a joker, the soul of a devil.
Which is which?
Are they all replicas of me?
Versions of me, the worst.
It's black and its white.
Which side wants to be seen today?

Pick one

Boredom...
My cause of unwanted toxicities.
It leads me to a dark part of reality that I cannot escape myself from.
Temptation leads me there and then I question my own defeat.
Transform, and rise again...
Mind games in a battle of self doubt.
My mind takes me everywhere, where darkness itself has no room for exploring.
I condone, then lose myself in it all.
I really wanna ****, so bad I can feel my ***** tingle and the thought of getting penetrated arouses me so deeply.
But I only want to *******, a friend...
Someone I am familiar with.

I let go of the past toxic mess that I attached myself too.
But you gonna be crawling back to me cuz you want me.
But trusting you isn't in my vocabulary.
Giving you a second chance doesn't exist in my world.
I don't do chances.

I need to ****...
To get you off my mind.
I need to feel free.
I crave *** ever so viciously.
I want it...
**** me...

(Moans gracefully)

Daddy, pull me in and never let go.
Kiss me passionately and hold me close.

My curtains are dripping and I feel the need to ****** with every touch.
Pounce on me and push me against wall.
So ****** ***** baby...
(Gasp)
I need more

I need my distraction...
But he doesn't seem to need me.
What a bore...

In bed, stuck.
Limbs are numbs, I feel nothing...
Only pain surging.
A slow bolt of emotions and lonely feelings.
Oversensitive and pouring my eyes out every moment I feel my eyes get wet.
I want to do, nothing.
No will, energy lack.
Motivation is zero, I feel lethargic, tired of everything.
I ask, why must I suffer and go through this pain?
A toxic neurotic ***** for a mom, and no way out of this mess.
I say to myself, tomorrow I need to wake up and study, maybe apply for some jobs.
Nothing.
I still wake up only to go back to sleep again.
No action to strive.
Down at the bottom of the pit.
I've lost, become nothing, and want nothing.
Passion and desire all lost.
Nihilistic and no point to give a ****.
Gone.
******* all.
I want to die in this darkness.
The loneliness and exhaustion takes over.
I want to stay in bed all day.
Do nothing.
I'm dead.
Pure nihilism until my corspe begins to rot, ripened and turned to ash and soil.
Nothing but dread.
I want **** all.
I want to die.
Keeping my curtains closed, away from the sun and light.
No hope and no will.
My soul has enclosed.
I don't know what to do anymore, what I want to do anymore.
I don't want to do anything actually.
I want to just lie here, and wait to die...
Slowly, but surely.
I hate my family, I want nothing to do with those fake narcissistic spineless cowards with souls that stink of stail ****** protruding ***** 🤢
I have to money, nowhere to go.
No motivation and passion to get me going.
I am like the grinch, the joker, Harley Quinn, the raven, catwoman, and a lion all in one.
However, now I am nothing.
Not even human.
Not even breathing.
All I want is someone to connect with deeply.
I've been alone for so long I don't even know how to get attached to anyone.
I stay completely detached and alienated.
Completely isolated and away from people.
People only make me feel more lonely.
I only want that one person who understands.
I don't want worthless fools of Shallow ****** people to even try to understand me.
I like to be not understood.
How can you expect a big foot to fit into a small shoe?
It never will unless you break your ****** ugly toes.
Or, get a bigger size.
My point exactly.
People are so ****** obsessed with me and my energy.
I want nothing to do with any of them.
They can't help but pry, and stalk, and watch my every motive like a hawk.
It's ****** head drilling!!
Stay the **** away!!!

I only want one person, the person who is for me and only me.
I don't give a **** about anyone else

I’m hidden, lost in despair.
These voices around me, these people, these negative energies.
I can’t take it.
I feel suicidal, I wanna get shot and never live this hell ever again.
I feel low, I feel like ****.
I feel useless, weak, ugly, lost, hated, misunderstood, trapped.
Trapped in a place I don’t want to be.
Alone in my misery.
Projecting it all out in the form of anger and judgement to others.
I feel alone.
I am not okay.
I am depressed.
I can’t talk to anyone about it.
I feel stupid.
I feel demotivated.
Judged by everyone and insane.
I feel misunderstood.
No one to depend on , but me.
I am not okay.
I feel bullied, picked on, teased.
I feel like everyone is out to get me.
I feel the need to protect myself immensely.
My spiritual energy needs cleansing.
I feel overwhelmed and anxious.
Headaches and tension.
I feel lonely.
No one to turn to.
No one I can turn to.
What do I do?

I question existence, all the time.
Reality, perception, judgement, intelligence.
I live a lie everyday....
Pretending to be someone I’m not.
Alienating myself completely and going about like my facade is nothing and not emotionally and mentally draining.

I am a fake, a phony.
I deceive myself because who I really am is not pleasant.
My views and opinions are not pleasant and I often feel lost and alone because I feel misunderstood.

I hate humans.
Humans are pathetic, weak, stupid, worthless, delinquent imbeciles that I have no use and importance to me in any way.

I wish I wasn’t human....
In the sense of, I don’t feel human.
I am something completely different from a whole different dimension, reality, and energy cell itself.

I derive from something so inhuman I often ask myself, why did I decide to live life on earth as a human?
Why did I decide to be born as one of these idiots that I deeply despise?

I live in utter solitude every waking moment of my life.
I am alone for this reason.
I cry myself into depression thinking, every emotion and thought I have is moulded and progressed because of people.
What about my own thoughts? My own mind? My own spirit? My own guide.

What happened to myself?
Where have I gone?
I hate this life on earth, and I wish I wasn’t sent here to live for whatever purpose I chose.

Take me back home.
Alienation and a life in solitude.
I try not to overthink about it, but my facades and lies defeat my purpose.

I have become one of these imbeciles and I hate it.
Fake and stupid.
Having to pretend and speak to people on human intellect drills a hole in my chaotic genius mind.

I wish I could meet my kind...
There has to be more like me out in this world...
So I don’t have to feel so alone and misunderstood.
We have to come together as one and support one another.
I cannot live like this, and I know you can’t too.

Lost
Lonely
Angry
Bored
Depressed
Not myself
Deprecated
Longing for love
Caved in
Scared
Exhausted
Frustrated
Anxious
Paranoid
Confused

I have nothing left to say...
My words have been unwritten.

Depression consumes me to the last bits of my insanity.
I live pretentiously like it doesn’t bother me, like it doesn’t hurt, or mean anything.
I live in pain, everyday.

It’s become apart of who I am, of who I am meant to be. Like living without this pain, would be worthless.
I let it consume me, control me.

My anxiety rushes through my veins and the voices and conversation won’t stop.
My mind never stops.
And when I’m alone, which is constantly, the thoughts eat me up alive like a rotting corpse is writhing inside of me.

I’ve learnt to get used to it, living with such intense feelings and a consumable mind never gets better, it only gets worse.
I’ve let the pain become me.
The person I hide.
It’s the only love I let myself embrace.
Pure madness.

I was born to be alone, living in lonesome misery for eternity.
Thoughts get dark, things get deep, and since I’m alone everyday, it gets even darker.

I hate people.
Stupid, fake, and you can’t trust any of them.
But sadly, I need them for mere distractions.
That’s all they are, temporary distractions.
They never stay, I don’t either.

I’ve learnt to keep my emotional distance.
Staying detached keeps you from getting hurt.
But what I long for, I will never find.

Born to be misunderstood and to die alone I shall....
This misery will be the death of me.
So it be.

What about those times I cried and bled for help.
What about those times I tirelessly picked myself up only to get burned down again.
What about those times I gave everything and got nothing back.
What about those times they called me crazy out of spite and jealousy.
All those times of abuse, telling me I am wrong, and I should change.
All those times when I begged for love, and to stop hurting.
All those times and sleepless nights I suffered and destroyed myself in agony.
All those times they put the blame on me.
All those times they spat on me and called me names.
For all those years they bullied me.
For all the pain I was forced to endure.
All those times I said sorry for doing nothing wrong.
All those times I had to be the bigger person.
All those times I got beaten.
Everything I went through, alone.
I had no one, and still stand strong until today.
THE ONLY PERSON YOU EVER NEED IS YOURSELF.
TRUST YOURSELF, AND LOVE YOURSELF.
DON'T LET THEM GET YOU WEAK.
NEVER BACK DOWN.
FIGHT THIS BATTLE FOR  YOUR LIFE.
YOU DESERVE IT.
DO IT BY YOURSELF, THATS THE ONLY PERSON YOU HAVE AT THE END OF THE DAY

My hands are strong, but my knees are weak.
I fall to the ground, nerves shaking to my feet.
I look at the ground, gripping it tight with my last nerve.
A battle that beckoned my own strengths...
I question, is my weakness defeating me?
Maybe I am locked to my own chain.
Is depth really my own despair?
Or does my darkness make its own light that only I can transform and foresee.
I am facing a new beginning, change.
Only, still hopelessly romantic with a love sickness that destroys me.
Depressed by my own loneliness.
Am I beautiful?
Or am I blinded by what's to come
...
The fire lurks within, strong hands, but weak knees.
Shaking, to the inner pits of me.
A love to destroy, I am worthy.
I only ask of a man of my worth to be mine.
I set fire to the rain, and I watch the sky burn, as I touch the flame