Isolation.
A dark place.
A cramped up room.
Empty pieces of sanity lying all over.
The walls, pale and thick.
The ache, heartless and as heavy as a brick.
Lying awake, eyes wide open, electrocuted in agony.
Senseless are my nerves, numb is my disposition.
Cold, my body shivers.
My pain concealed.
Left bruised.

Trust no one.
She said, voice grasp and low.

Elongated, fragmented, withered up in a lifeless skeleton.
Bones, shattered, cracked and hardly repairable.

In the darkness I call your name, I see no one, not a sound heard.
Headphones on, diluting and blocking all the extra background noise.
I wish...
But no one answers

Silence
Sweating but freezing, hot but cold.
Ice on fire.
My nightmares, to unfold.

I’m number ****** one....
No sympathy for your weakness...
Chicken ****...
Fumblin, Falling, I wanna see you hit bottom.
I wanna see you break your fall, I know your falling.
I wanna kick you when you down, yes I’m angry, yes I am...
**how quick I can switch

The loneliness still stays, lingering like a stained piece of cloth.
No one to talk to.
Just no one.
Alone and dreaded.
Disappointed and bored.
Dissatisfied and strung out in all correlations.
I feel empty, alone to the darkest pits of me.
Solitude does not feel good anymore.
Depressed and rejection.
Cold and miserable.
Nothing to help.
Get me out of here.

I wish I knew...
Knew what to do next.
The only thing I want to do is cry.
Stuck in the deepest wet mud like a serpent shedding its own skin and only waiting to see what's next.
I'm lost, but my philosophy is, all explorers get lost, don't they?
With constant transformations and changes, I struggle to adapt to my own lifestyle.
It all happens so fast, in the blink of an eye, without slow motion effects.
Anticipated, deprecated, impatient.
Waiting in pain, like a poisonous snake bite eating you up inside.
Waiting for the venom to be ****** out.
Consuming to every part of my being, like being stuck in a prison is underestimated.
This is worse...
This is skin prickling and soul shackling like shapes are out of order and the world is inside out.

I felt happiness, once.
When I got out and got some help.
Loved, supported, understood, not judged, accepted.
I was there for two weeks.
The depressing thoughts kept hitting me; ****, I still need to go back home.
I HATE IT THERE
THE ANXIETY, NERVES, AND ANGER CAME IN.

I'm never happy when I'm here.
I'm stuck in a spiraling tower like a dark Rapunzel cut her hair and had no way down.
Optimistic, faith, positive, I still find a way to keep grounding, yet, I'm the hero of my own story.
The only way out is through me, I need to make the change and get out ASAP.
YET, external situations have me trapped, it's out of my control.
I have no choice but to wait, no matter how hard I try to make things happen, it's just not happening.
I am my own hero, I fight my own battles, and win them every time, but somehow I can't win this one.
It requires a sense of patience and stagnancy that I cannot handle or tolerate.

Short-term fixes are my only solutions but that's left me broke and caged in more.
Zero impulse control, I can't help it.
I want out, I need my financial freedom.
I can't do this anymore.
Contradicted, rehabilitated, bored, and lack of full freedom.

I ponder in awareness, deep thinking alert.
My thoughts alive and reached at a higher awareness than before. Every question I asked myself, every intention I grasped from others, I know the answer to.
I can feel it, I always thought I was crazy and I always thought it was all in my head. Then I realized it was just manifestations of physical formalities. I always thought I knew too much, now I realize, I actually don’t know enough. I want to know more. I want to know more because knowledge is power and power is control. If you ask me what I crave the most, it’s control. And the only way I can get control is by learning more and more until I diminish into tiny pieces. I lost a piece a of myself a long time ago, I’ve been alone the past few week since I got kicked out of my old place. I haven’t had many interactions with people and I’ve been alone everyday. I’ve been crying and feeling pain because I feel lonely. Which is not the actual fact, because it’s all just feelings. I’ve cared so much what others think I lost who I really was. So after weeks of isolation, I found who I really am. I lost everyone I loved. And I lost all my friends. People don’t care about me, because caring about me means making time for me and actually being there. People are too wrapped up in their own lives to even try. I always thought I was the burden. I always thought less of myself. For someone who cares so much and loves so deeply, I know I am valuable of more. So the question I ask now, is, WHAT AM I?
Since my human thoughts have manifested answers according to life changes and time for myself. I know I am destined for more. For one to write such amazing poetry an philosophy at the blink of an eye without even thinking about it. It flows out like word ***** and it never stops. For one to be so intense and intuitive it scares the blind ones away. To be so intelligent and mystique, an intuition of pure knowledge and wisdom, I ask, WHAT AM I?
I’ve never felt human, for years. It’s a general thing, everyone is gifted with certain abilities that makes them god-like. A human term “god”. But people block off these abilities because they scared of what the power can do to them. I know what the power can do to me. It’s already killed me inside and I never was scared of it. I died for the pain and I transformed. I rised again and astrology itself isn’t even in its rightful existence to my knowledge. What I know, what I seek to know, is above universal laws. The planets itself. Matter, atoms, molecules, the brain, cells, skin, bones, spirit, soul.... I AM MORE. I ask, what am I? What was I before I was human? How many lives have I lived to have such wisdom. What was I before I was sent to earth to carry my purpose and help people that cannot be helped. My quest was always to find myself, I found her. Now I need to know what I truly am.

I hate this learnership.
I hate being here.
I am drained, unhappy, dissatisfied, and not at ease.

I am underpaid, and not where I need to be.
They don't even let us drink their coffee.
I come here wanting to go back home.
My actual career is taking off, but I haven't started getting an income from my career, as its still in its beginning phases.

This still brings me an income, and I get a qualification out of it.

Those are the only positives, there's a steady income coming in every month.
I have backup with a learnership.
But, I am not happy.
I hate it here, I wish I could work from home.
I want to go home, I don't want to be here.
I actually want to cry.
I am completely exhausted.

Love, a written spell that is cursed with loss and longing for someone else.
Tenderness, reciprocation, union, everything that exists between two people in purity, belonging.
Emotions overflowing... I feel you, miles apart, I miss you.
It's deeper than love itself...
It's spiritual, it's someone I was with before, many times...
Needing them in my presence.
Tears rolling whilst thinking about him...
Puts this heartache on my spirit.
So synchronized, the iridescence of it is unreal, untouched...
It's depth takes me away from what doesn't matter.
But it's the only thing on my mind and its the only thing I want.
A love so raw, so deep, it is dared to burn the shadows, the fire, and the petty talk.
Completely far away, but once it is mine, once we meet, it will be something of twilight, of eternity...
The burning flame that will never go out.
I love you...
I want you now...
I need you in my arms...
I feel your energy vibrating immensely through my body, its amazing, so amazing I dare not to think about it to that depth because it ripples away at my water streams and takes me away from what needs to be done in my reality.
I need you now, long lost twin flame.
I have not been the same since I met you, and I never will.
I have never felt this with anyone, ever.
I truly desire the magic we can create, the intellectual art that is lost.
I have felt love with others before, I have been hurt before, I have hurt, to be ridden, yet, I met you, and never forgot.
You imprinted on me and this is something that  will last a lifetime and beyond.
I am in love with you, Yolan.
Please come back home...

It writhes up inside like a hurricane that diminishes every part of your sanity.
Fingers being pointed making you the bad guy.
Judgements from others making you someone you not.
Turning you into a monster that you never were, that you swore to never become.
Faking your life, your personality, your disposition, your words…
All for what?
For nothing.
I know who I am.
I like who I am.
I love myself.
Why should I be targeted by those who feel nothing for even Themselves.
The man who’s wife died, who got kicked down by someone who reminds him of me, is the same man placing those toxic energies onto me.
Assumptions and assumptions …
People not knowing what “minding their business” is.
Rumors , lies, gossip…
The story of my dramatic life.
It’s not my energy, it has nothing to do with me.
As I need to remind myself everyday.
Everyone feels threatened by my light and wants my light because they don’t have their own.
I can’t handle these toxic energies surrounding me.
I need to get out.
I need a place to be….
ALONE
But to whom?
Detach myself…
It’s ******* with my whole agenda.
I need to get out.
I can’t take it anymore.
Give me my privacy…

Sweating myself dry.
Bored, flat out, dissatisfied, discontent, unmotivated, exhausted, fatigue, no will, no strength.
Loneliness is the feeling.
Too detached to stay attached.
Too nihilistic to give a ****** ****.
**** them all.
I am better off alone.

Loneliness is intrusive.
I hate people.
But I need company.
I'm picky, selective.
I want to be alone.
I don't trust people.
Paranoid.
The worst comes to mind.
In bed.
Chained in my own contradictions.
Pessimism, no hope.
Quiet, withdrawn.
Stuck in my mind.
Escaping this toxic situation I'm in.
I feel blind, don't be kind.
The prison cell.
The illusion of chaos rummaging in distortion.
Don't look at me.
I feel pain, misery, Loneliness, misunderstood.
Hated for who I am.
Let me out

Take this pain away from me, take this heart and leave me be.
A love so deep it burns...
The craving for it is forbidden to me.
Daring to my disclosure of the unforeseen.
I need you, I ******' love you.
Come to me.
NOW....
I miss you...
It hurts.
I feel empty...
Treasureless gold and anything I can do to distract myself from it.
The heavens want us together, my twin flame.
Can you feel it?
The intensity of it is so untouched, passionate and chaotically
driven, pulsating through every vain like a quench of thirst that is impossible to satisfy, gripping tight onto my lost soul like a clutch being pushed on hold.
Darling, I ****** love you
With everything I have inside of me.
Continuously shaking, Are you watching me?

When I'm alone, the thoughts start coming in.
Darker and more seductive than ever.
Like *** and erotica is my addiction, my infatuation, my drug.
I crave it in obsolescence.
But having these thoughts are not good for me...
I Should learn my lesson, but I never do.
A friends with benefits situation will never work out.
It always leads to something one way or another.
The *** was too good.
Explosive, passionate, hot, and ****** fiery.
To have *** like that again and end up not feeling anything for each other.
That's impossible.
It will turn out to be a complicated situation.
I stay away from hookups and one night stands for this reason.
I can't help but overthink, overanalyse.
It awakens deep emotions in me that I can't escape.
I wonder if he feels the same way after the ***.
He seems to be wanting to detach from me in order to protect himself.
On the other hand, I can't have him, he's temptation that I can't resist.
This is why I hold myself back from ***.
My *** is powerful, raw, ******, and uncut.
Either way, I have a guy that I actually want to be with in the future.
I see long-term lover potential in this other guy and I can't waste that away by causing complications with the friends with benefits guy.

This is the guy I probably will end up marrying one day, I cant waste that all away on another guy that can't be with me.
I can't be with him either, I don't want to.
I want the guy I'm supposed to be with.
But the *** has me thinking otherwise.
This happens every time I have fun with a guy, it never turns out well.
Yet my desires and temptations are speaking for itself.
I want to more than ever, to **** me inside out.
Rough, and slow and magnetic as the pressure builds up.
I can't stop thinking about his ***, his ****, his mind.
It was too powerful to ignore.
I wonder if he feels the same about my ***.
I need to get this off my mind, but I merely can't resist such temptation.

I want to feel it...
I want it so bad, it lingers when I think about it.
The touch, the taste, the wordless emotion and the vibe of pure depth.
The tongue flips on a page of lost wisdom.
How to feel now is neither questionable, nor transparent.
I feel nothing.
Flat out, bored...
My mind is destroyed

I don't know how to feel
Or what to feel

Exhausted, fatigue
In bed the whole day, not a poem, just a reflection.

I'm dazed out, in hibernation.
Ghosting everyone.

No will to do anything.
Just Exhausted

What can I say...
I reflect, and inconsequentally disturbed.
Disturbed by alterations that I cannot control.
I let it be...
But it keeps coming back for more.

I wish I know, but wishing is all I can do.
Fire in my eyes, burning with desire.
A stone in my chest.
A yearning for rest.

Passion evoked but I'm running for more.

With speed I burn out and die alive.
**** me, love me

TAKE ME,
NO CONTROL

But I breathe dark gore

Everything I have seen, touched, felt, faced, beckoned to know, and lived...
Is nothing.
The meaningless stance in the fact that my life has no meaning based on constant mental boredom stands as real as the fact that my body exists here as a biological structure.
I see nothing, I feel nothing.
I see pointless obscurities.
I no longer have the need, the want, the desire.
If everything I know is not known...
What can my love be?
I am nothing to this empty distraction called life.
Merely a walking paradox of delusional contradictions.
I stand as alone as my thoughts project.
I feel nothing but music.
THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME ALIVE.
The only thing that gives me feeling.
The only thing that makes me feel.
Intertwined into a lost trap.
I am stuck in this web.
My thoughts, my mind, that nobody can satisfy.
I am empty, numb, isolated.
Drifting off in knowledge only I understand.
All these people are boring.
The sites I see are boring.
The world, the sky.
Nothing excites me.
Once upon a time, I used to be on fire.
Yet, the flame turned to ash and there is nobody, not even me, to bring the spark back.
Dead, lifeless.
Everything around me dies.
I am nothing to this shallow world.
I am not them, neither they are me.
I am just an energy with an increasing amount of questions and knowledge, and nothing to get more from.
I am lost, as my thoughts, they have beckoned me.
I know not less...
Isolated and distant as can be.
Detached and hopeless in this dark cave.
Trapped in my flexed web of chaotic thoughts.

People, mere puppets that I ruthlessly use as a distraction, to escape.
Escape from the pain, the misery, the loneliness, the constant aching explosion of boredom that eats on my itching flesh.
Too detached, yet so attached, what is it that I need?
My loneliness  is unwanted toxicities of distractions that bring me no joy, no purpose, no belonging.
Lost in the chaos, I have become this destructive madness.
Sin is me, I have nothing yet to become, to see.
I have seen enough, I want away from this world.
The bitterness is eating me alive like a starved hyena that wails like a crying baby.
Let me go, let me leave, let me sleep, let me never wake up from this delusional dream.
People are my puppets, but I would rather not play.
Leave them before they leave me, stay the **** away.
Let me die alone, hate me for eternity.

Sometimes I think to myself...
Will this detachment ever free me?

These meaningless hookups...
These one night stands...
These flings...

I'm tired of it all.
Will I ever find true love?
Will I ever have an intimate and passionate moment with someone that is based on more than just the physical?
It saddens me to think about.

I crave closeness...
Emotional intimacy.
*** based on love and soul.

Yes I love ***...
But I'm tired of these meaningless situations.
Tired of it all.
I want more

Shallow water, streppling at my feet.
I see your eyes, glazing, as your heart beats.
Your skin changes, almost transforms into an iridescent colour spectrum of beautiful scales.
I look into your gleaming eyes, starstruck, and filled with wonder.
I try to grab hold, to touch, to feel.
But you dive back in and swim away.
I feel disheartened, but I don't fret, or take it personally.
I walk away, footsteps quaking silently on the still earth.
Blue, tranquil, soft and sensitive.
I wait upon your appearance in the darkness.
My eyes are dry, and cries are not heard.
My heart is broken.
I am starving, I haven't eaten now for days.
Your eyes had me mesmerized.
I can't go back now, especially after how entranced you made me.

My clothes are torn, and half stripped.
I have been fighting in this battlefield alone.
All the men have been killed.
I managed, I didn't back down.
They were after your power, your magic.
I had to get rid of them so they wouldn't take you.
I got hurt, badly, but it was worth my suffering.
I cried, whilst looking down, completely broken down.
Then I heard footsteps, walking nervously towards me, like a shadow.
I couldn't bare to look up, fear over took my emotions, I felt breathless.
Then a face appeared in front of mine.
...

The chance to show how talented I actually am.
The chance to perform on stage.
The chance to be on TV.
The chance to dance in music videos.
The chance to be in magazines covered in poise.
The chance to win an award, a Grammy.
The chance to get my trophy 🏆
It's more about the passions I have, and about me wanting to perform those passions, in dramatic visuals.
Making the stage light up when my feet take steps, making the people scream to the centre of attention I bring.
THE CHANCE TO SHOWCASE MYSELF AND MY PASSIONS TO THE WORLD.
That's all I ever wanted...

Alone, lost, trapped, stuck, held in by these false and unfair delusions.
I don't know where my home is, or where I come from, but I am immensely drawn to cats and birds.
I was sent on a mission, on a purpose, and it is the loneliest life I live.
Since I could remember, I have been fighting the battle alone, being a messenger from higher dimensions and spreading knowledge only I know. Awakening those on earth, spreading justice.
Humans are threatening, scary, and cruel.
It gets painful, I hurt with every aching cell in my body.
But through all that pain, many lessons were learnt.
More knowledge was invested, and more strength was established.
I am looking for those who are also on a mission, I am looking to reach out to the ones who don't feel like they belong here.
This life is lonely, I have nobody.
Maybe we can connect and communicate together.
Please reach out.

Words are worthless.
Defeated, I have nothing left inside to keep on pushing and fighting.
Diminished.
What a fool...
I’ve lost myself.

Laying around, intensely in my mystery.
Isolated and all by myself.
Alone, keeping my distance.
Depressed and saddened.
Anguished by my own thoughts.
People, nosy people in my energy.
I can feel it like a ***** of my finger and the rush of blood through my veins.
Childsplay, like flies in my spider web.
They love to talk about me, good and bad.
They love to be obsessed with me and give me their power.
They love to talk, gossip.
Petty little flies.
Smash them, and let me have my privacy, my secrecy and my thoughts to myself.
Expressing myself out loud but not feeling safe in my private lonesome space.
Toxic, negative, indifferent.
THEY OBSESSED WITH ME.
MAKING ME EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN I ALREADY AM.
Intuition on high alert and picking up on things around me like a cat.
I can feel it, see it, hear it.
The peasantry lurks, yet, they can't break me, it's sad, ain't it.

Chained….
Get me away from her.
I need a break.
This woman doesn’t even know the least.
Cover up my mouth before I say it, mother.
I need to be away from you.
Your energy drains mine.
Your character disgusts me.
I don’t like you.
I never did.
I need to be free.
I want to be free.
Family should leave me.
I want to be free.
I need my own way.
My own light, not your burdens.
How intolerable is tolerance, apparently not enough

The deep ocean beyond her words when she speaks.
A soft voice with a loud rampage that comes unexpectedly.
The water that's her blood.
The fire that's her lungs.
The earth that's her heart.
The air that's her soul.
Moving swiftly, with a rugged elegance that cannot be pinned down.
She rages like a volcanic eruption where all her pain then pours out of her where humans fear.
Dare not to go near her.
An angel, a goddess, with a devils glare.
Her eyes on high alert like a raven that's hunting its prey.
Showing a false side of who she is, to the world, to protect what is dear to her.
Cannot seem to let go, yet, she tries.
Darkness in her name, but a light so pure it's destined to burn the shadows.
The evil that lurks, she dances in it, but takes the flame and burns it away.

This person is me, lost and in pain, but nevertheless fighting to see what love can bring.
Love is stronger that pride, may it overshadow what my pride has made me.
Turned me to stone, so cold, distrusting, scared.
Scared of what people will do to me.
Scared of what people will take from me, hurting me.
Yet my light is waiting to be shined, dimensional shifting.
I feel the hatred and negativity of other people projected onto me.
Constantly self protecting, I cannot find peace and be one with myself without someone gossiping or relentlessly talking about me.
I feel the worst form of energies being directed onto me.
Behind closed doors, where they are too scared to face their own fears.
I keep to myself, and find my self.
Where love outshines, and weakens the pride.
Love is stronger than pride, I hope I will find that true love I deserve, one day.
Love is stronger than pride, stronger than the ego of others.
My love is my darkness and light.
My love is my strength.
My love is true, worthy, and highly valuable.
My own love is stronger than pride.
My own loves defeats your ego, and overshadows your lies.

I'm bored, I'm confused, I'm depressed.
I'm in my head and it's creating all types of illusions and disillusionment.
I am perplexed and stuck between many contradictory thoughts.
I am over analyzing, over thinking, and completely consumed by this.
It's painful, I'm in dread.
But I don't want this to be over between us.
It's a painful ending but its temporary.
Boredom leads to many conflictions, resulting in destruction.
I have nothing to distract myself from you.
I'm ****** analyzing, fantasizing, and completely taken out of reality.
Maybe if I had something to do it would be a different story.
Work is slow, they haven't called me back as yet.
I've been sitting at home trying to save money.
I've been bored out of my mind.
Depressed and isolated.
No will or drive to do anything but sit in bed and cry waterfalls.
I am completely hurt and in pain.
All by overthinking.
I just want to do nothing but sleep.
I have no will do to anything else.
I am gloomy, sulky, ridiculed.
I shouldn't be overthinking you or this situation but I am.
I can't control it.
I am stuck in my room 24/7.
No will to go out.
No one to see.
I dont really have any friends.
I am a loner.
I cut people off for valid reasons so I basically have no one left.
No one to talk to.
Maybe this deep connection between us is comforting to me because you the person I can talk to about anything and you always understand.
I see through you.
I feel you at a subconscious level.
I feel your soul, your depth, your emotions.
And I don't just feel this way about anyone.
And it's been years, as stated in my last poem.
So all of these feelings are coming up to the surface again and I don't know how to deal with them.
Maybe I'm just craving your physical presence.
I am so alone and you completely see me for me.
No one else ever did.
But you do.
**** I can go on writing about you Tim, but I shouldn't.
A heart of glass starstruck by your magnitude.
I am in awe.
And I want to be with you.
It isn't over between us.

And just like that, as quick as the fire burns, it burns out.
I'm already over it.
You no longer consume me, or burden my thoughts.
I am free.
No one on my mind.
It only took a few days and I'm completely over it.
I feel indifferent, no emotions or validation towards it.
Focusing on myself, my health, my money, my body.
Self love and value at its finest.
Whos knows if we will ever speak again.
Honestly, I don't care.
I'm just living my life.

Life, in all its forms and shapes.
Weeping eyes and willows of dark days.

I wallow to myself, tears fall beneath me.
Addictions to things I could never afford, attachments to things I could never hold.

***, money, love
It's all seems  meaningless, superficial.
But it isn't.
*** is powerful, it's intimate and creates a physical bond.
Money is tangible, it's creates images and status. It gets you things to survive.
Love is magical, strange, and completely insane.

Overthinking every thought and detail in my mind till I explode in hopeless mental trauma.
Thinking myself into my own darkness, where nightmares do not escape.
Detachment is beautiful but what is attachment if it hurts?
Hurts to get attached to anything.

Like the pull of opposite directions intertwining you.

Stop my mind.
Stop my addictions.
Stop my secretions.

I'd rather be blind

Dreaded in agony
Exhausted, mental fatigue
Depressed...
Things hitting a low steep
Inner turmoil and chaotic confusions

Space needed, emotions at a very high peak
Saddened by the thought

What misery
Space, I need to be alone

Leave me be
I'm exhausted

You ask, what I really want in life?
You ask, would I fail without your manipulative support?
You ask, why am I always alone and never around people.

My multi-adaptive perplexed nature has me cloning others and absorbing energies that are not my own.
Unintentional, I try to keep a distance.
Yet, before I know it, I'm already drained to my fullest capacity.
An introverted social butterfly that craves solitude, comfort, intellectual and spiritual stimulation.
Maybe a knowledgeable conversation on the gravitational force of space and the entire universe reaching its end in a over a trillion years to come.
Maybe a deep topic on emotions and music and how different musicians came to having their own unique sound.
The flow of dust particles and dark matter in the silence of sound and time itself.
The poets and artists whom speak for themselves.
The depth that no one cares to understand or know.
The darkness that scares everyone.
I want to cry, express this dread and exhaustion that I am feeling.
An empath, logical and sensible.
Introversion and a mind of wild intellect and diversity in many things, formulas, and theories of my own.
Why do we dream to die and not dare to explore the places that daunt us?
What are we scared of?
The only person you run away from is yourself.
Face it, and stop rummaging into the facade of others.
Just because most people are afraid of being authentically themselves, why should you?
Be you, enlighten those who are dying to speak their own truth.

No, I don't feel good.
I don't feel okay.
A piece of me is missing, empty...
Filling voids with unnecessary pleasure that only bring upon more loneliness, more pain, more isolation.
Searching, waiting for my missing puzzle piece.
Damaged, in clueless vain.
My veins are hot, popping with every nerve, blood vessels integrated in me.
I see I belong nowhere, but to myself, where strings cannot break itself free.
Juxtaposed, alone, lost in hopeless misery.
Will it ever get better?
Will I ever be united?
My soulmate, the one who is made for me.
My other half...
My heart is bleeding.
Cursing its deep love in unwanted toxicities.
Seeking pleasures that can never find me.
I find myself desperate, but not attaching.
Too detached to say the least.
Lost in solitude.
My lonely serpent spirit longing for its other piece.
The sadness of it lingers on...
Forbidding all wonderful desires to my feet.
Helpless and all alone.
My heart yearns, My soul empty.
Where is my missing complex puzzle piece?

I've been, at a loss for words.
Drowned profusely in my own fears, nightmares, horrors and blockages of my own.
Scared to take the first step, confused and in a state of loss and emptiness.
Scared to put myself out there.
I've been, hateful, judgmental, bitter, spiteful.
I lost motivation.
I don't know what I want to do with my life, with myself.
I've started to hate men to the core and I turned into a bitter self sabotaging demon.
I deleted my online poetry book because I was getting no money for it from my bank, because of currency fees.
I have no idea what to do next once I complete my studies.
I am at a loss for words.
I feel empty, bitter, lonely, and full of misery.
I don't want to see people or leave the house.
I don't want to deal with people.
I don't want to talk to anyone about my issues, it's pointless, it won't change how I feel.
I have a hatred towards people.
Something inside of  me that I cannot control.
My pride, my ego.
It's trying to protect me, keep me safe.
I don't ever want to get hurt again.
I don't ever want to be betrayed again.
Protecting myself so strongly that I don't even have any friends.
Instead, I judge everyone else and beckon everyone to be fake and false.
I am in my own cage, my own feelings, my own darkness.
And I am too scared to get out

The disturbance, constant eyes and mouths chattering as I move, live, do, achieve, prosper and work.
What is it?
My energy? My drive? My determination? My  ambition?
Does my empowerment and goal driven personality threaten you?
Does my limitless knowledge and thrill to learn make you feel stupid?
Does my hot body and love for exercise make you feel ugly?
Does my enthusiasm to achieve and gain my dreams and goals scare you?

What is it? Because while I am out here working myself to the top, you wasting the last cent you have on your need to sustain.
Stagnency, inefficiency, and unproductivity is not in my name or my blood line.
My mother made it to the top, and I am a product of just that. We have the earth running in our veins, the fire burning in our souls, the water rummaging beneath where the ignorant are too afraid to lurk.

DOES MY POWER THREATEN YOUR LACK OF MOTIVATION AND LACK OF PASSION?

DO YOU LOVE/HATE ADMIRE ME BECAUSE YOU WISH YOU HAD THAT SAME CONFIDENCE?

It's all in me, best believe, God is a ****** woman, and the Devil is too.

I don't need to be.
I don't need to be anything.
The daunting presence, the inner world.
The shadow, the darkest and rawest form of oneself.
I seem I have not yet uncovered everything I know.
Depressed, unknown to why.
Purging uncontrollably.
Facing myself again.
My inner world.
The dark side in its rawest form.
Everything I am, what I did.
The spite, the resent, the bad things I did to people, unintentionally, out of anger, revenge, hurt, fear.
Yet, I judge others.
How crude of me.
Self-aware but nihilistic.
I've hit a dark place in my mind.
Swimming in deep, deep down.
Am I a bad person?

Dismantled, distressed, distractions by thoughts.
When I am alone, the thoughts creep up.
Is it real? Or are they my feelings?
I want to bury myself, hide forever.
Hopeless, maybe I should walk on heated burning stones, to feel something.
Noises around me...
It's so quiet.
Back inside, my cocoon, it's safe.
No one can find me, hurt me.
Forced to interact with people, even when I don't want to.
I have to go to work, and talk to these lifeless sheep like they mean something, detached in my interactions.
LEFT ALONE.
I love it.
Stones on the floor, I stare deep into the ground, cover myself in mud, burn me alive.
I ingulf in the flames.
The final isolation.
Solitude is complete.
I want to be alone forever.
Dancing in despair that I seem to rid myself harder into like hitting myself into a wall.
I wish people did not exist.
I wish I was alone forever, really.
I am intertwined in my web, meticulously designed and intrigued into one.
I want to stay, hibernate forever in my coven.

No one around, no one in my business, no-one in my space.
I want alone.
Leave.
I DONT LIKE PEOPLE.
Being forced to go to work tomorrow is a drag.
End the nightmare, the bottomless choas and lonesome feelings I endour

Trapped in my own dungeon of despair.
My insides have ruptured and my thoughts have exploded.
Looking into a morbid tunnel that leads to deception, pain, lies, betrayal, disloyalty, and distrust.
I bleed profusely ripped open with nothing left but agony rippling through my nerves like my limbs have been removed and hung on the dry lands to be eaten by the rotten humans.

I try to protect what I have, dear to me.
My heart, my soul, my peace.
But those around me only want to take it away.
Like vultures looking for the last drop of something they don't have.
In my deep privacy, they lurk with widened eyes and ***** mouths waiting for the next bomb to explode into fire🔥

Stomach is growling, my voice deepened.
I plunge into rage.
Impulse on ten, not a drop of remorse.
Wasteless creatures that taunt my rippling despair.
Leave, I don't want to ****

The cups keep pouring, the drinks keeps sipping, the people keep talking, the night keeps blazing.
Through all that I am to do, to become, to manifest, to transform.
Dissolving all that is lost, not seen, the stance of it seems forbidding, disillusionment and escapism.
Never knowing the way out, the way in seems confusing, conflicting to what I can never achieve.
I think through all the pain, that it is worth it and that I will find the light and stay in it forever, yet, I hide, not knowing how to display my forefront.
Hidden, private, yet open to all that I am.
Hiding in this shadow, misunderstood by false illusions.
I am to die, or maybe I am not.
My mind of jitter, I hope I am never to be lost after I am found, if I will be, to not be so alone.

You narcissistic Shallow ***** filled with problems and no substance.
You emotionless toxic *** filled with negativity and constant manipulation.
You ignorant neurotic ***** filled with superficial intelligence and no real depth to cover it.
Manipulate me and use your money against me.
Everything you did, was by your choice.
Not mine.
It's not my problem nor my fault.
I'm living my life, not yours.
I'm not guilty for anything.
I feel nothing towards you.
All your psychological abuse is going to bite you back one day.
All you are is money, nothing more.
Nobody actually likes you or wants to be close to you, as you don't want to be to them.
I don't blame the men in your life for leaving you.
I can't even deal with your excuses and constant *******.
You are nothing, and you never will be.
I mean all I say.
I hate you and I always did.
Fix yourself or break.
The way you treat me will come back to you.
I'm not your *****, and you can't make me not say what I want to say.
You can't shut me down in your narrow mind.
So *******, and let me be.
You project constantly and use me as your dart board, with no real obligation.
Everything is by law or by the book, like you have no actual imagination or real intellect.
You narrow minded empty ***** with no space to fill your worthless voids.
Break me down and shut me down in your problems.
Fat fake *****, pretensious as can be.
Get help.
Because all I want is you dead.

Dark whispers of people, speaking on my presence; as if I don't experience pain and suffering.
I prefer to be real, show authenticity regardless.

On screen and off

I hate attention, I was never one for people...
Still not.
I HATE PEOPLE
I HATE HUMANS

I hate the fame
I never wanted that attention

Now I have to worry about my publicity and media like a 24/7 job
WHO CARES WHAT THEY SEE, OR WHAT THEY DON'T SEE

I never cared, never will
I just want to live my passion and enjoy myself whilst doing it

On a low, strained out.
Stagnation is getting the best of me.
Trapped, lacking my freedom.
Stale, personal freedom, locked by my own chaotic fears.
My comfort zone, I want to get out.
But how?
Is the question mostly asked.
Like a snail, it starts overwhelming me.
Thoughts hit a high haze and I can’t seem get beyond it.
Low, lost, gone, bored, flat, drained, miserable.
Pessimistic, nihilistic, no motivation, no energy.
Drained

Running thoughts rummaging in chaos.
High alert and low activation.
Instability and confusion in confliction.
I write with uneasiness.
Leave me alone, give me a break.
Let me be.
*******.
I've done enough.
I need a break.
Something to help me get away.
These toxic energies that surround me.
Draining to my every capability.
I need to get away.
I need a friend, someone who will be there.
Someone to get away with, run away from everything.
I've had enough.
Negative people and draining energies.
Get me out of this environment.
It's not good for me.
I need to get out of this chaos, to find peace, love.
Rummaging thoughts and conflicting chaos.
Help me escape this mess.
Toxic to my every being.
My nerves on high.
Panic attacks and anxiety every **** day.
I can't breathe anymore.
Unstable and flighty and constantly fighting with myself.
Up down up down my emotions are running.
On this rollercoaster, I don't feel at ease.
I am not balanced or grounded.
From one extreme to the other, I cannot find the middle.
Overthinking and over-analyzing until my brain explodes.
Black and white, where my complexities stay distracted and contradicted.
I can't sit down and breathe.
Too much going on, too much on my mind.
Set me free, I cannot take this lightly.
I am going off the train track.

I want to go, escape, fall, bind, jump, and leap.
I want to fall viciously in love, so much so that nobody can take me out of it.
Run through the forest, into my dreams.
Escape this world, and let myself fall to the ground.
I want to feel you, feel it.
I want flowers, and drugs too, designer perfumes, fine clothes and shoes.
I want your presence, your soul, your mind, your spirit.
I want this love ....
I want you

The pain lingers, the heart throbs.
The boredom strikes chaos, like a pulsating sob.
I cannot seem to escape it, to make it better.
Its haunting presence makes for sleepless dreams.
Some nightmares, some screams.
Have to stay fully protected.
Eyes on high alert, I cannot seem to withdraw.
Trapped in hopeless projections.
Which am I going to display.
Useless, emotional, discontent.
Not knowing the way out.
Trapped in my mind of contradicted addictions and hidden counteractions of emotionless emotions.
Leave, stay away.
Nobody should ever be trusted.
Eyes on alert.
Intuitions at its highest.
I feel you before you feel you.
I see your motives before you can even do them.
Why even try?
*******.
Spineless cowards.
Keep your shallowness to yourself.
Don't project your narrow minded boxed perspectives onto me.
Silent bitter words.
Saying too much, to saying nothing at all.
Keeping thoughts to myself.
Fear me.
Keep your distance.

The stream pours, the water molds.
The thoughts unfold, mind state hits the lowest peak.
Who is in control?
Is it me or is it the person you think you see?
Is what you see real, or are you staring at own reflection.
Mutable contingencies.
Deformities and formulations of lost ones who try to speak.
Cut out, who are we meant to be in a world that lost its own stakes.
I see it gather like a river, forming its own strategies.
Conclusions, grasping at my twitching nerves that ache with curious desire that forbid me to my own disclosure.
Begging you, can we close what was not meant to be informed?

Just stop, stop holding me.
Let me go.
Selfish, secretive and hollow as a cold lurking shell.
Do you see what you are?
Or are you merely projecting your inner reflections onto my chaotic imagination.
Look ...
Within yourself you are ****** cracked mirror with a ripple of a murky stream of water that pollutes the ground you walk on.
Look ...
Just stare, and let the water stream.

Trapped in my mind, lost in confusion, conflicted by chaos, denoted by the mental crisis.
I stand in fear, but not willing to be taken down.
I express the most, and keep the rest hidden, locked away.
I know what I know, the knowledge is my strength and my weakness.
Testing my own abilities on a blank page where thoughts manifest and co-create.
I am not you, neither I am really me.
I am not wise, merely experienced and thirsty to know more.

I am defeated by desire.
The desire to love.
I am high strung and nervous in the rummaging crowds of senseless energies draining my sense of being.
Informative, yet discreet.
Do I need not say more?
Speak but don't talk.
Then what is point of verbal expression if they constantly silent you.
For I only know what my mind absorbs.
Curiosity and quick intellect.
Not an academic, don't need to be.
My mind is my weapon, my greatest strength.
For it only requires knowledge.

They say, I have a beautiful mind.
I say, I explain the information I find.
Excrete and discrete.
The mental messenger of a deranged intellect and a spiritual soul.
Do I need not to say more.

Express yourself, it is the only way.
The unstable mind is the one that knows the most, and the least, all at the same time.
How can you be willing if you cannot live in open-minded intelligence.
My mind is my gift.
I love it, but sometimes I hate it.
It creates what people call interesting and smart.
It creates my life, and performing art.
I live in despair, learning to control and tame, the monkey brain.

My past, a faint memory I subconsciously hold onto.
Letting it all go, but still in the midst of moving on from painful memories and connections that at one stage buried me six feet deep.
I still hear the calls of the voices, the intricate echoing beneath the endless silence.
As if moving on is more of a task, then the road to actual happiness.
The person I am now, too strong to even let a man in, even though it's love that I deeply crave.
Too in control to let go of the hold, the grip.
Too in charge to let someone else lead the way.
I can't ever imagine it.
Letting myself be loved and touched again.
It's been a decade.
I've been alone to the point of comfort.
A sense of peace.
Over a year, and I'm celibate and independent.
A man is she and a woman she looks like.
I'm scared to give my control away.
I've worked too hard.
But it's love that I crave, and these deep feelings from the past still taunt me.
No friends, just mere acquaintances.
Too scared to take that risk with people.
Moving on, but still holding.

It all reminds me, the **** that I've been through, the **** that I've seen. The people I have dealt with, and the memories that are daunting upon me.

Was it really all worth the pain?

To live in a world that is so fake, to be surrounded by insecure clones all trying to be each other. It's petty and so below me.

I prefer to alienate from it all. I prefer to be so detached from the external that is doesn't even bother me.

I grow resentful, a disturbing anger and hatred.
Bitter, grotesque, obsolescence is no more.

Can I get a love so pure it synthesizes my whole being.
Untouched, unacquainted, real, syncopated.
Loneliness quivers, shaking with a merciless misery.
Alone in my secrecy.
Dare not come near me.
Love, seems anguished by my own monumental desires.
To feel something so pure….
It is rare.
I want it with him.
To whom I want to spend my whole life with.
Deep rooted passions imploding in tears.
Ridding myself, hiding in my fears.
My insides are painfully restricted, my eyes are tired.
My heart has melted.
I am broken.

Try to put me down
Try to tell me how to live my life
Tell me I cannot do it
Tell me all the things I cannot achieve
Tell me I am not worthy
Tell me I am easy

Watch me break, soar, fly, scream
Watch me dream, watch me chase, watch me rise

I'm a born fighter, a warrior, one thing I will never do is back down
Project all those insecurities onto me
Watch me project my confidence onto the world
Tougher than a lion, effortlessly
Prosperity at my feet, and it is MINE to keep

Listen up, don't let those who are limited by their own systems box you
Don't let those who don't feel worthy make you feel unworthy
Live your life like it was never a life to live
Make it happen and be the warrior you are
Fight for love, for justice, spread the truth, make others see what you see
Change your perspective and explore your mind
BE A CHAMPION
LIVE YOUR **** TRUTH!
AND LOOK GOOD WHILE DOING IT

I hate my life.
My life has no meaning without you.
I don't want to do anything.
I don't want to meet anyone.
I don't want to go out.
I ****** Hate everything.
I wish I had you back.

Hermiting.

Stuck in my shell.
I miss you