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Jan 2021 · 585
Tire Swings
Kristina Weeks Jan 2021
In my head there are trees of fears in the forest of doubts and they’ve been there for so long that some of them have tire swings

The trees too tall and the path so thin that I get lost in the darkness of the leafy sea that I’m sinking in

I’m suddenly lost so I do what I was told and hug a tree for some reason hoping that maybe someone else is lost here too

But I’m the end I’m alone so I’ll water this tree with my tears and hope that someone will remember me when I’m gone

But a man shows up with an ax and a smile and starts hacking away at all of the branches and parts that reach

He chops and he chops and the leaves fall like a bridal veil over the rot laden floor, caressing it’s contours like a sleeping lover

Wood creaks and moans as it succumbs to the the blade, smashing its body into the ground it never wanted to meet

The molded and frayed knots that once held the swings snap and fall like a downed falcon to its final resting place

The forest is no more, only remnants of memories of what was here with leaves and wood slashed and torn and dying

I look up and can see the man with the ax and the smile as he says he’s been looking for a girl that looked like me

My hand reaches for his as I begin to cry “I was so lost” his hand grasps mine “you’re never lost, just finding a new path”
May 2020 · 169
Love
Kristina Weeks May 2020
I heard a man say once, that when you meet the love of your life... time stops. For a few minutes all you can do is notice. Notice their face. The curve of their jaw, the color of their eyes, the glow of their skin, how the space around them moves. I don’t believe that most people remember that moment, how fleeting it was. It gets lost in the tormented sea of ones memories. Lost to the abyss... that is the complexity of the human mind. It’s because we don’t realize it yet that we’ve met them. And when we have that contact it can sometimes get written off. I’m sure some pursue in that instant but some move on. Now what has just happened is a tiny ember. The serendipitous spark. Each now holds a piece of that spark. But now what to do with it. Consider we let it die. We ***** out it’s short life like sea foam on the sand. That is the end of your course. A burned bridge, a missed train, a phantom kiss. It’s gone and that’s that. But imagine, one would notice what they have in their hands. One sees the feeble flame in their palm and the natural thing to be is afraid. Too afraid to put it out out of anxieties of what if. Afraid to set the world ablaze out of fear of being the only one burning. See that’s the thing.... fear. Love is a gamble. Love is faith. Love is life and love is death. But fear... fear is the great thief of life and love. Now, the two that had no reason to be founders of flame, came upon them. They refused, they had forsaken the idea. Fear of the unknown. Time passes and ****** battles were fought. Time spun madly trying to blow the flams out but they guarded them and guarded each other’s.  Holding on to the aspiration, though feeble it was. In their fight against fate or destiny they amalgamated into whatever they could to avoid what they both already knew. The fall. The absolute vulnerability of falling is all consuming and inevitable. But what determines this is what is waiting to catch you at the bottom. They began to slip off the precipice’s edge to their inevitable drop. Fear and self loathing used to be their tethers cradling them like babes, but the flame grew larger and began to burn those ropes. When spinning wildly and frantically into the darkness that consumes the vulnerable, only one thing is your salvation. Each other. One looked at the other. They judged the instant and let go, allowing the flames to engulf themselves and other. The white heat burned the pain and self loathing and masochism away from them and they continued to burn together. All while weeping into each other’s arms and whispering nothings to each other. They fell and fell until they were no longer falling, but flying. The fall was the act of faith. The banishment of fear. The chains fell and rusted. Their destinies are now interwoven like poems on a page. Flame burning in their hearts to the next moment in which time will stop.
May 2020 · 121
Pictures
Kristina Weeks May 2020
My mom sent me pictures of me. Pictures of me when I was little. Laughing at first I remembered. The times when I was young and happy. Carefree and innocent a child spinning madly in the wind with leaves dancing by my side. I was making funny faces at the camera being the goofball I was. I smiled because I knew I would always be safe and laughing. Nothing mattered but laughing.

I would imagine myself living in a castle of wonder and dreams. I would save princesses and tame dragons. I casted powerful spells that would scare demons and witches. The trees were new and the grass spoke to me. The wind sang my name and the water wrote me poems. The sun was my best friend and the moon, was my love.

But that was just a picture. A snapshot of what I used to be. I look at those worn and faded polaroids and cry because I’ve forgotten the princesses, and the dragons have gone. I forgot the spells I casted, magic wand broken and powerless. The trees rotted and died. The grass is speechless and the wind doesn’t sing. The water stands still. The Sun has moved on and the moon.... doesn’t recognize me.

I hate the girl in the picture because she is happy. Envy burns inside me like acid on silk. I want what she has. **** it all. Please come back to me. Why couldn’t she stay? Why am I left with this broken mind and broken body? The world isn’t wonderful, the sky isn’t beautiful, I can’t hear the music anymore... instead I take life “One day at a time.” Trying different meds to hope I feel something other than this belligerent urge to end it all.  

I hate her but I love her. The princess trapped in the Polaroid. I weep for her for she knows not what’s coming for her. I mourn her like a fallen friend struck down too early. Beaten and used and taken advantage of. Little one, your love and kindness was too pure for this world. You smile turned down and your eyes glassed over. I wish I could save you from what’s to come. But you’re just a picture.
Apr 2020 · 174
Orion
Kristina Weeks Apr 2020
Why do you mock me Orion?
You with your mighty bow in the sky. You reach with power and command the night. Renowned and revered with tales and epic on high. Your belt of three a guide to the lost.  And then there is me, trapped on this mortal plane with nothing but hopes and aspirations. I curse your name for I wish I could be up there. Be beside you and watch you pierce the northern star with your arrows. To dance amongst the stars in the celestial night. Amongst the zodiac to be welcomed as an equal. But alas, here I am trapped in pain and agony. Forced to wander the curse of man. Take me with you when I leave this place to your neon bands of light, flying loose into the black.
Mar 2020 · 143
The Next Dance
Kristina Weeks Mar 2020
It is at my happiest that you creep in
With your sour face and gentle words
Though I pull from you in protest
You still force me to dance

Led out onto the forlorn floor
Where you put your hands on me
You grab my waist
And ****** my hand to yours

The somber music plays
And the tears dance down my face
You smile and smirk with delight
Because you love to see me cry

Each time you spin me
You remind me of what I am
Each step with yours
You tell me what I can never be

We’ve danced this dance so many times
I know the steps and the cadence
I pull and resist every time
Yet to no avail, I’m forced to step

At least the song comes to an end
We stop and you stare at me
Satisfied with my red and wet face
You smile at me that empty smile

When you are satisfied
You drop me to the floor and leave
I grip my face and dress too hard
Forced to wait for the next dance
Depression sometimes feels like a dance that you can never avoid
Sep 2019 · 169
Hostage
Kristina Weeks Sep 2019
I’m reaching and craning my neck
because I hear your voice
When in actuality it’s my own thoughts
trying to conjure you up
Summon you like an ancient spirit
to ask for strength from beyond
Asking for strength because
my own is starting to fail us
My confidence I thought was
built out of the strongest stone
Was a guise that has been
replaced with dust
Staring at opaque ceilings
because I want to receive nothing
I want to process nothing and react to nothing
Time had begun to lose
its hold on me in this capsule I live
It’s speeds up and slows down
to mock my loneliness
I am my own prison, and my thoughts
are holding me hostage
Thoughts loneliness hostage
Sep 2019 · 193
I Met You in the Rain
Kristina Weeks Sep 2019
I met you in the rain on a weekend long ago. The warm droplets clouded my eyes as I gazed into yours. The water hit your hair like bits of silver. You were looking down. A faint pink light illuminated your face like an unforeseen kiss.

I met you in the rain on a weekend long ago. There was music that day and you sang along with it. I marveled at your voice, so tender and loving. It sounded like warm protective arms wrapped around me. I couldn’t resist listening when it made me feel how it did.

I met you in the rain on a weekend long ago. The rain was falling particularly hard that day. It came from all sides and tried to blind me. You unexpectedly reached for my hand and held it like it would be the last time. You smiled and touched my face. I leaned into you and we felt the rain together.

I met you in the rain on a weekend long ago. After a while of sheltering each other form the onslaught of this storm, it started to let up. The rain turned to mist. The clouds turned white. The lightning was staid. And after a while, the Earth began to sing that same song you were singing. The song was a promise, a premonition, a prophecy.

I met you in the rain on a weekend long ago...
You are my shelter
Jan 2019 · 486
Rays
Kristina Weeks Jan 2019
This morning, the sun’s rays
are especially bright and beautiful
Graced by its rays,
a feeling blooms inside my chest
One I’m all to familiar with
but taken back each time I’m visited
The overwhelming feeling of need
Need to be in your comforting arms
Because, dear god, the oranges of sunrise look so beautiful cast across your face
Dec 2018 · 933
Untitled
Kristina Weeks Dec 2018
Staring at this opaque desk
I try to draw the visage of happiness
But instead I carve into the wood
Meaningless scribbles
And empty faces
Kristina Weeks Nov 2018
I know that there was once a time
I wrote a poem about us
I talked of alternate realities
And in you it rose a fuss

In it I spoke about our lives
Multiple and each one different
Some were happy some sad
Our story always recurrent

In the end I spoke of us
I had come to a resolve
In our story of talks and shows
Soon the times would dissolve

But as our time together has passed
Our story has evolved
Something inside me started to change
In my story you became more involved

Now in this story of talks and shows
The original plot is new
What once was an untimely end
Now begins and ends with you

So if you’ll let me I’ll write you in
In as many places as I can
I can’t lose you now you’re part of me
Our life together just began
Oct 2018 · 222
Slowdancing in the Dark
Kristina Weeks Oct 2018
Oh the irony
The ******* irony of it all
Once I believed
That I did not deserve happiness
How could I
Always too...... something
Too weak too sad
Too small too bad
Pitiful, vulnerable, broken, shy, damaged
Too much..... too

You told me
Yes you did my darling
You told me that I was
I deserved it the most you said
Out of anyone you said
I did you said
You said
You said
You gave me courage to chase my happiness
Yes
MY happiness

Turns out though that my happiness is also yours
Yours too
Or rather it is..... you
But now you are going to leave
What a hysterical hell I’ve found myself burning in
What a shame what a joke
The laughter in my head is drowning my thoughts
The black water swallows me

The fool dances around the court for laughs but still dies in the sewer at night
Give it all away and keep dancing
Maybe one day it will be enough
Make them happy because he knows true sadness

How could I ever believe that I could deserved happiness when I can’t even make myself happy

Ive played myself like worn out vinyl
The song we’ve heard so many times that it’s become obsolete and boring
I do this every time so when will I learn
that I just need to be happy
with what I have
It’s futile to chase what isn’t really there

So chase your dreams my love
Don’t let me hold you back
I’d never forgive myself
If I kept you from your happiness
Go chase it my darling
I’ll be here
Mourning the loss of mine
Slow dancing in the dark with the ghost of you until the day you return to me
Chase your happiness my love
Aug 2018 · 233
Flowers
Kristina Weeks Aug 2018
The thing about picking flowers is
once plucked from the ground
you have to watch them die in your hands
Aug 2018 · 508
Hermit Crab
Kristina Weeks Aug 2018
I’m spiraling and sprawling out
The ugly parts revealed
Like a hermit crab
who’s had his shell taken

Hyperventilating and staring at opaque ceilings listening to the walls
They speak and when they do they whisper of me
They laugh at their corners and close in on me

They grip with brick hands
Face the floor
He feels what I feel
I will merge with him so they will be right
Let them walk all over me
Until I can no longer feel
Aug 2018 · 240
The Sun and the Storm
Kristina Weeks Aug 2018
I am the warmest sunset
Gracing the sky with violent colors
Resolve to trepidation
Passionate rebirth each day
Cyclic perseverance
Peace reverberates through the earth
But when the sun is gone
and you are nowhere to be found
my body will weep
Incessant rain vexing the sky
and the ground below
The heavens will swirl with  leaden clouds threatening to engulf all that is beautiful
Aug 2018 · 507
Untitled
Kristina Weeks Aug 2018
Do not mistake
my silence for weakness
because my darling,
it is those who
speak the softest
that always carry
the biggest sticks
Aug 2018 · 195
Untitled
Kristina Weeks Aug 2018
How could you do this
I wrote poetry for you
So what did I do
Aug 2018 · 222
You
Kristina Weeks Aug 2018
You
The sky is so beautiful an night.
It’s all so transcendental.
I can’t look at the moon without thinking of you.
The stars smile a bit brighter.
The water leftover on the pavement from this evening’s rain glistens and plays in the cool air that has overtaken the space around me.
The breeze sings a song that I swear I’ve heard you sing before.
It’s overwhelming but calming at the same time.
It’s strange how I can be far from you, but still feel your arms wrapped around me.
I’d like to imagine you are sitting on the sidewalk staring up at the same moon as I am.
Each of us floating in the black abyss surrounded by the white light of our lunar keeper, while she tends to her children on earth.
Lighting up our eyes and hearts, telling us to remember when, and let our hearts be staid.
Jul 2018 · 231
Obsessing Over a Plant
Kristina Weeks Jul 2018
I know how it may seem
Maybe a bit obsessive
To watch my flower
Nearly perpetually
So scrupulously
Noticing the tiniest change
Springing into action trying to fix
Whatever is wrong
I guess I’m just scared
That one day possibly
I’ll turn my back for a second
And my flower will be crumpled
Scentless and dead
Jul 2018 · 486
The Siren
Kristina Weeks Jul 2018
So what now love?
What is there left to do?
We’ve established that you love me and that I love you but look at us?
I believe that we both can see that there is no foreseeable we.
So what can we do?
Darling I may love you with every fiber every ounce of life in me but what is this for? All this effort scooping up my outpouring with a cup containing too many holes. My endless charade trying to salvage this lifeless hand that was never mine to hold.
Watch it all fall out.
Watch it all fall.

I feel like we’re on either side of a brick wall and all I have to dig to the other side are my nails. I’ll grind them down in my own futility, bleeding and blistered for an inkling of you.
I know I’m stuck. I know there’s no way.
So why do I try? I don’t want to lose either of you, but **** it’s going to happen.

You say to me.
You jokingly say that you need a girlfriend.
What a jab in the stomach.
You sunk that knife right into my chest and made me hold it as I wept.
Obviously you didn’t mean to but ****...

Of course I can’t get mad.
My platform to stand on is sinking sand and it’s swallowing me whole.
I have no right be upset.
I’m lucky I still have you.
But I know soon.
Soon my love I’ll be stumbling after you falling on the concrete, knees scraping as I try to reach for your hand.
But please.
Don’t turn back for me.
******* it what a ***** I’ve gotten myself into.

One day my darling.
One day.
You may say you love me baby but one day.
One day she will arrive. Like an angel on high becoming and fair. She will sing her siren’s song and entangle you in her yellow colored hair. She will sing a song just for you in a way I never could. Her smile will entice and entrance you and she will lead you away from me.

And I will remain.

I will sit, legs crossed and eyes blind with tears reaching for you with outstretched palm.
I will watch you recede to your watery grave with her because there I no way I could be selfish enough to pull you away and make you stay.
All I can do is beg the man with the numbers and spinning hands for a little bit longer with you. But he looks through me with apathetic eyes. Numb to my plight. He’s seen this all before darling and ,quite frankly, he is over it.
Kristina Weeks Jul 2018
Why are you so familiar
The way you look so iconic
You’re the gin in my tonic
The reverie is chronic

Have we met before now
In some distant place
I know I’ve seen your face
Old memories you replace

Perhaps we knew before
Each other in another life
Not this one we’re in now
Other realities; Our story rife

Maybe in one we met young
We went to the same school
I was too scared to talk to you
You were probably too cool

I watched you from afar
Saw you grow and mature
You married her and never saw me
That is one I’m sure

Maybe in one I wasn’t scared of you
I faced my fear; We talked
You decided to give me the time of day
And on the beach we walked

We dated for a while then
But one day it was too much
I pushed you away you disappeared
Some stories go as such

Maybe in one our time was brief
A few moments maybe more
Minutes or possibly seconds then
The short ones I abhor

I was down and depressed that day
I was looking for a friend
I saw you then you frowned at me
My life I decided to end

Maybe in one we’re fictional
Characters in a book
We existed only as words on a page
That story I would look

I was a princess and you a knight
You rescued me from a tower
A dragon you slayed you were so brave
With your golden sword of power

Maybe there’s a happy one
My favorite one at best
The one with the happy ending
In this one we were blessed

We stayed together, got married then
Some kids to college we would send
With each other we grew old
We closed our eyes; Our story ends

Ramblings of an imaginative girl
It could all just be thought
But just in case I could be right
My many lives, you’ve meant a lot

Each one just as important
No matter how short or long
In each one you’ve played a part
Your contribution never wrong

So now we’re here in this life
Talking in your bed and going to shows
When this one ends our souls restart
Infinite loop of which no one knows

It’s comforting to think about
How my spirit will follow true
In life and in death we’ll find each other
I’ll forever love you
Comforting thoughts of eternal love.
Jul 2018 · 207
My World I’ve Built
Kristina Weeks Jul 2018
Well here I go again
Hiding behind letters on a keyboard
Saying what I wish I could say
Through similes and a metaphor

Painting a picture of my soul
Art unique in design
Complex parables
They’re one of a kind

Using my pain and despair
To make darkness into light
A rising sun in a forest
Uncomfortably bright

It burns my skin on my face
Dissolves my tears
Gouge out my eyes
The darkness is near

I create this world and everything is new
Everything is emerald and gold
But I’ve done this all before
It’s starting to get old

My trees are starting to rot
The lakes are running dry
The rocks are crumbling
The winds blow all awry

You know how it all looks
You’ve seen how this goes
You’ve trekked through these woods
You are used to the glows

I’m running out of ways my love
To paint this perfect piece
I’m running out of colors soon
The land is losing peace

So now I am empty here
Like a bottle with no letter
My world I built is withering away
And I am off no better

But look at me now my dear
I’m doing it all again
Dancing around my heart and it’s words
Leaving it condemned

I’ll stand now and watch my world burn
Plumes of fire in the sky
Ash covering my blistered face
Trying not to cry
When using poetry to say what you really want to someone gets old and doesn’t work anymore.
Jun 2018 · 455
Bodily Odyssey
Kristina Weeks Jun 2018
Serenade me with your skin made of silk
Your hand on my face the softest caress
I want to lose myself in your body
An odyssey of lust and obsession  

Your eyes hold everything and nothing
Windows to the universe
Their sultry allure calling like a siren
Whispering secrets you’ll never tell me

And those longing lips
They plead for a kiss with every smirk
Of which I’m happy to offer
They tremble with each touch

Your arms offer safety and security
Enveloping embrace protective and strong
But gently hold me like a blanket
Never let me go

Your voice my soul’s solace
Say your words that ****** my spirit
Spinning and dancing in my head
Anything anything you want

You are my rock in this hard place
Jun 2018 · 253
Chaos
Kristina Weeks Jun 2018
Come with me darling
  Our two hearts cast to the void
 Beautiful chaos
Jun 2018 · 572
Jars
Kristina Weeks Jun 2018
There she sits in her narrow room
Room narrow and tall
The room a cave cold and dark
With a shelf on the wall

To her left there sits a table
Covered in tiny jars
And to the right there is a window
Lined, of course, with bars

Every day that starts anew
She rises with the sun
Shuffling over to her table
Her job has begun

She grabs a jar and whispers
Filling each one with light
Then seal them up quickly now
Seal them up tight

Holding the jar carefully in her hands
She shuffles to her shelf
And places it with the other ones
Each one part of herself

The shelf is covered in them
The little bottles filled with color
Sparkling reds, blues, yellows
All arranged around each other

And so the day begins
They come now to her cave
Arms reaching through the bars
It’s her bottles that they crave

So one by one she gives them out
One, two, five, then ten
Soon she’ll run out of jars
Time to refill again

Each bottle given out
To another reaching hand
Gets swallowed up in one gulp
So quickly it gets crammed

They drink it all down
Then they sway with delight
A toothy grin left on their face
A sort of high it excites

But soon the smile is gone
Their eyes snap back open
They fill with panic needing more
Realizing how much they’re broken

They rush back to the bars
Reaching gnawing clawing
Please, just one more
But her body now is falling

It’s become too much
There is nothing left
She collapses crying out
Soul now bereft

So the sun sets and they go away
They leave her alone now
Until tomorrow when the sun rises
This prison is her vow
May 2018 · 237
Same Time Tomorrow?
Kristina Weeks May 2018
Look at the sky
Isn’t it beautiful
The wind dances on the warmth from the sun
The trees and grass sing salutations in response to its rays
Wet pavement reflects light like silver
A mirror to the sky creating an abyss of blue
A river
Floating in this beautiful life, alive
This is life through the eyes of a child

But then there’s me
Staring through and empty face
Hollow eyes
The river is just a river
The pavement is cracked and worn
My soul is torn between
Between wanting to die
And living a lie
What is alive
When you can’t feel anymore

What the **** is wrong with me
Every touch could be my last sensation
Someone please help me
I’m running out of patience
**** God
Who the **** are you
I’d like to talk to him
I’d like to meet him
Ask him why he’s doing this to me
Why did you give me so much

I’m losing a battle I was forced to fight
It doesn’t seem right
I’m losing the light
In my eyes glassing over
With each pathetic petty interaction
Put on my mask and dance
Dance you ******* monkey
Smile for the camera
Spin around and take a bow

I didn’t ******* ask for this
I didn’t ask to be here
I didn’t ask to be alive
I didn’t ask to be sad
I didn’t ask to be

They keep telling me
Everyone has a purpose in this world
Well maybe mine is to be ******* fodder
For the worms
Maggots eat through my body and lay their eggs
Let them swim down my throat and through my eyes
Maybe then I would see what this world really wants from me

I wish I could feel
No sensations anymore
No touch
I feel like I’m floating
Everything tastes like bile
My mind lagging behind my body like watching an old movie

Look left; look right
Step one; two
Itch; scratch
Breathe; cough
Hurts; stop
Eyes; burn
Stare; through
Laugh; stand up
Walk; now smile

Isn’t this fun?
Let’s do this again.
Same time tomorrow?
May 2018 · 188
A Boy and His Father
Kristina Weeks May 2018
The day you arrived on this earth
With eyes like the ocean
Being someone’s everything
What an expectation
Staying up all night
Worrying wondering
Parents, their love
A protective poison

Before was the love
So young so raw
Tickles and tricks
Blocks and shapes
Laughs and naps
Adoration for the boy
And from the boy
Admiration

The gentile touch of the father
Enough to lull you to sleep
The other half the missing piece
Your heart so full
Getting and giving
Looking up at the man
Man who you want to be
The hero
The knight
The king

Walk in dads shoes
Eat your food to be strong
Strong like dad
When you were sad
He was there to comfort you
Hold you
Every broken heart
I love you
I love you

But time
Time is a greedy witch
She always gets what she wants
Moments, memories, lost
Steps, words, smiles
Dances, advice, hearts
Where did they go
Those years those months
days, minutes, seconds
They’re gone
Childhood the dream
Its to wake up

Please...
Just 5...more...minutes

So now on this threshold
Ready to jump
Can’t fit in dad’s shoes
You look back longing
Longing for the simpleness of semblance of youth
Longing for those arms
that are now too far to hold
Drifting away like fog
Apart like the tide from the shore
Don’t want to fly away
Not ready
Not yet

The wonder of the child is gone
The hope in the eyes is gone
The “I love you’s” now gone
Stuck on this perpetual escalator
Constantly moving forward
But trying so hard reaching back
Arms straining stretching seizing
No, please

But look foreword now
Smile my boy it’s sunrise
A new day is dawning
Let the memories live
They live in you
In your reflection
it’s okay
Take that step
Do not fear
Raise your chin to your future
Soon it will be your turn
And one will wear your shoes
And eat their food
To be strong like you

As time progresses
Every hour spent together
Lives within your heart
Though love changes it’s never gone
Merely metamorphoses into more
What a beautiful bond between
Father and son
The father looks at the man
Eyes welling with joy
He lets the man go
So proud of his boy
Takes a step back
Let the bird fly

Broken bones heal if you set them right
Life’s a roller coaster
Keep your arms inside
But you are your father’s child
And he had you for a while
But now you are grown
You’ll be making it on your own

Tears will dry if you give them time
He’s always there standing by your side
Son do not fear the future
Cause you are your father’s child
And he had you for a while
But now you are grown
Just know you’ll never do this alone
May 2018 · 298
Don’t Wake
Kristina Weeks May 2018
Don’t care who it hurts or not
Not coming from a feeling
Feeling nothing actually
Actually apathy
Apathy now I can’t feel
Feel this emptiness
Emptiness but full
Full of the imminent
Imminent end
End this life
Life so hollow
Hollow feelings, gone
Gone like dust in the wind
Wind me away
Away from the living
Living a lie
Lie to them
Them who I want to help
Help me now
Now how about that
That ******* circle
Circle in my head
Head in under water
Water gagging gasping grasping
Grasping at some reason
Reason to love
Love is gone
Gone like my will
Will I do it it
It the biggest sin
Sin to the end
End it all
All of me
Me what’s the point
Point out the reasons not to
To do the deed
Deed to this body
Body vessel borrowed
Borrowed feelings and time
Time to choose
Choose to live or die
Die every day
Day and night day and night
Night in my heart
Heart turned numb
Numb to you
You to me
Me caught in this forever
Forever asleep life
Life pales in comparison
Comparison to living the dream
Dream now and
Don’t
Wake
Up
May 2018 · 627
Versions of Me
Kristina Weeks May 2018
This girl is lonely.
She is weak but kind.
She had been hurt.
She lives in her mind.
But this me you see.
What am I?
Who is she?
Is she complex like you?
Does she feel?
Does she cry too?
This ******* the page.
You only see these words.
Words of sadness and rage.
A version of me in everyone’s head.
What an interesting thought.
From all the words I’ve said.
You’ve created an image, a life.
This version of me you know.
I wonder if that me feels this strife.
If you think about it, everyone we meet, whether it’s a friend or just someone passing by, creates a version of who you are in their mind. Then there’s this version of you that is in your mind. The version you know. Well that version you know isn’t even real.
May 2018 · 298
Trapped
Kristina Weeks May 2018
Here I am
Trapped in here
This mental prison
Feel so alone
No one understands
No one sees
Why can’t they
How do I
Escape this place
I just want
To be understood
But I’m alone
It’s just me
Is anyone real
Kristina Weeks May 2018
This is it.
Exactly what I said.
This is where I turn and run.
I should’ve known.
You warned me.
You told me what you were.

God I’m so ******* stupid.
I put you on this pedestal that I was too afraid to climb.
I painted this picture in my mind of who you were supposed to be.
Made you what I need.
I was content.
I was safe.
You were perfect.
I’m awake.
I expected too much from you.
I set you up for failure.

I get it now.
You were right.
I was scared of hurting me.
Not you.
I lied.
Right to throw up those walls.
They wanted to

crumble

so

fast

to let you in.
Let you see this part of me so I could be free.
Now look at me.
Falling to my knees with your hands around my wrists telling me to get up.
Please.

I’m a ******* fool.
What a ignorant naive shambling corpse crawling around toward the first ray of light.
A ******* fly fumbling toward a bulb believing it was the sun.
Oh how I crashed into that glass.
What a pitiful ***** so ******* feeble frail and forceless I can’t even stand on these legs made of ash.

I’m not mad at you.
I’m mad at myself for letting myself do this
to me.
To us.
It’s my fault.
I shouldn’t have deceived you into thinking I was stronger than I was.  
You can have it all.
My empire of dirt.

It’s okay.
The loneliness.
He’s always has been there.
He is singing to me and holding me
while I fall asleep.
The song.
It’s so morose but beautiful.
He welcomes me back with open arms.
“Come here” he says.
“I’ll never let you go”

I tried to tell you.
It’s too hard to truly love someone like me.
And just as I predicted.
The numbness is taking me.
Too strong to fight back.
It’s climbing down my throat.
It’s okay.  
I’m choking.

It’s not your fault.
I did this.
Just like I said.
It’s sad though.
I just wanted a bit more time.



This all sounds really stupid.
Just another ****** attempt to articulate the feelings I have no control over.
Sorry.
This is me.
Just a walking talking damaged shell.

But It’s gonna be okay.
Because I’m still weak.
I’m still pitiful.
I still need you.
Yes.
The cycle continues.
May 2018 · 337
That Pain
Kristina Weeks May 2018
I can’t anymore
This pain it’s killing me now
God, what did I do
My first haiku.
May 2018 · 259
I’m Sorry
Kristina Weeks May 2018
The boy with the enamoring smile.
The boy with the besieging stare.
The boy with the intoxicating touch.
I want you.
I want you with ever fiber of me.

The closer I get the more I burn.
Like a feather next to a blazing fire.
The flames defile my body
scald my skin and my soul.
The pain is cauterizing but addictive.
The more I burn, the more I thirst.

For so long I’ve floated fixated ahead.
So sure in my path.
Yet there you were to change my course.
You shot me from the sky like a ******.
And as I fell in fear and horror you caught me.
Now obsessed, a willing Stockholm.

An all new kind of love.
So deep I don’t understand.
How can I?
How can the girl who knew all the truths be dropped in this chasm of ambiguity.
Terrified but intrigued of the new shadows that permeate my mind.
How could I have been so daft?

Hands trembling with the anticipation of seeing you.
Just one touch and my head reels.
So why am I scared?
A constant scream stuck and swallowed.
A fist down my throat that constricts.

Afraid of that dark side of the moon.
Afraid to get close. Fear of ******* losing you.
Losing you to the void losing you to time losing you to this material world in which you’re so infatuated with.
I’m so sorry.

Infatuating pleasures of the flesh or whatever you can ******* shove up your nose today shove it down your ******* throat like an unwanted scream so you can walk in that upside down.
Force it down. Take the ride. Virgil is waiting. Now an old friend.
The boat across Styx.

You speak of fear. Fear of being vulnerable. A naked babe alone in a field crying out for someone to hold?
If you’re so afraid why do you bare yourself to these demons.
Surely they take advantage of you and reveal you.

My god they will take you.
I see it.
They gnash at your ankles and aim for your knees.
Bring you to them and cover your legs in tar, drag you to the ground.
Drag you to the ******* ground.
They’re inky tongues creep to your chest and out to your hands bringing your face to the dirt.
Just as you scream the tendrils take over and spill into your mouth like an overflowing sink.
They cloud your eyes like a cataract until you’re a ******* empty vessel staring impassively at the opaque wall.
All I can do it watch.
Do you enjoy this mental prison?

These empty feelings ,one more minute in the shadow.
I see it in your eyes.
You see the void and the night closing in.
Maybe this isn’t what you see at all.
Maybe I’m irrational.
Is it just me?

Either way, I’ll take you when the fear overtakes you from your latest odyssey into the world of that line.
I’ll take you when sadness overtakes you and you wretch in my lap.
I’ll take you when you want to laugh and I’ll take you when you shove your arm into my chest, your hands around my neck.


I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry.

My god I hate this.
To the boy
Kristina Weeks May 2018
Why can’t anyone else hear the music?
The sound so alluring and entrancing.
It guides my every step in this melancholy world.
It spins around me and in me like the quiet kiss of a an Autumnal breeze.

The colors are sounds, every note a changing mood lifting my spirit with each new song.
Each new aria swelling and deluging my soul.
This feeling of devastating peace I cannot describe nor live without.

So why can’t you hear it?
Why can’t you feel it?
It’s so emphatic so intrusive and belligerent  yet here I stand in the midst of this crescendoing chorus, ears ringing with this music but nobody dances.

And no amount of sonder can take this isolating feeling away.
This panging loneliness that cradles me.
Why am I the only one?
Why can’t you carry this sustaining chord along side me?

I though I saw you hear it once.
You blinked those dismal eyes at me and in them I saw you.
They sparkled and opened up with the wonder of a child.
Your head turned to the sound and your face softened to a visage I once knew.
But soon they we’re shut.
Clamped down and locked, choosing to be blind and deaf to the song.
Turning away in shame and anger.

Oh how ignorant you are, choosing to turn away from this beautiful epiphany that could set you free.
How could you choose this life of apathy and abhorrence?
Why do you turn your face from me?
Is my music not enough?

Here I’ll wait and dance.
Spinning slowly to the sounds of my spirit.
Singing along with my own song until the day you sing it with me.
Just followed this overwhelming feeling I got from a song. 20:17 by Olafur Arnalds.
May 2018 · 198
Binge
Kristina Weeks May 2018
I ******* hate you.
You slithering ****. You twisted snake.
My own creation but far from a child.

No face but the eyes. They see through and in me. Invading the deepest crevices of my mind. Turning my slowly torsional heart black.

Writhing behind me but shuffling closer and closer. Like the omnipresent ghost you are. You’re weak. You need me.

I your creator and your life force. You distend and prate as you drain all I have. Leaving me a ******* shell. A shambling corpse left to rot in the earth.

Neither living nor dead you consume my being. Plunge your sinuous claws in my chest. Probing for more to take, but I am empty.

Callous and apathetic you toss what’s left. My decrepit body languishing as you lick your claws and  gloat. Perched and waiting for the chance to leech from me again.
My visual representation of my anxiety and depression.
May 2018 · 380
Solace
Kristina Weeks May 2018
Where am I?
What path should I take?
Begin this new life waiting to die?
Or turn back...to my old world?

Am I still stable? Or am I being consumed by the chaos?
Is this truth that I’m seeing or the fabricated delusions of insanity?
Just one step away from that finite darkness.

The uncertainty and despair it snatches at my ankles and neck like chains. Pulling me towards the wall of doubt. This sour taste of fear bleeding out of my mouth. It threatens to consume me now. Truly already so lost. This bird without wings trying to fly but fatally falling from grace.

So long I’ve been staring and searching for some semblance of a savior that I’ve been tying my own noose with the false  fibers of fabrication. Can I still be saved when my soul is so barely recognizable? Covered in acid and tar from my wretched past with blatant disregard for the lives around me. This dark cloud nearly has me now.
Can I be saved?
Can I be saved?

Suddenly bursting forth in a brilliant display, the light pierces through the darkness illuminating my face like an unforeseen kiss.
Rise.
Rise.
The veil is lifted.
The chains are broken
falling like ash.
Veneration percusses my soul and through squinted eyes I can see it all.

This truth I’ve been searching for. What was always inside whispering.
Too blind to listen.
Too deaf to see.
Overcome with indescribable peace I reach for the hand of solace.
The light melting this torment and anguish from my heart.
Climbing from that blind cave of oblivion I raise my face to my rightful place in the sun.
Blindingly taken with this beauty I once withdrew from.
I am reborn.
I am reborn.
Just wrote these lyrics to a song. The song will be a spoken word over a metal type instrumental. I drew my inspiration from the swelling style of the music and Plato’s allegory of the cave.
May 2018 · 659
The Last Effort
Kristina Weeks May 2018
I wretch
My chest in my hands
So precious with its soft blue glow
The helpless weakened flickering

I reach out to the blur
Desperation overtaking
Each spinning around and onward
A cacophony of faces each more terrifying than the last
Laughing with their empty eyes
Each smile a twisted tear on the opaque visage
The cracked and blooded lips spit

Crawling, I offer my light

Fix it

Fix it


Please fix it

A swirling white cloak overtakes me
It’s gaping eyes and contorted smile
Staring through me apathetically like a worn mirror
It’s head snaps as it comes closer

I reach

The tangled tendrils twitch as they envelop my light
Empty holes looking at nothing
Growing darker
The tear twitches, bleeding
Turning downward

The hold loosens
My light discarded like the rest
The cloak dissipates back into the mass
Laughing again

The light flickers

I wretch

-[KW]
No notes here
May 2018 · 223
Plight of the Moon
Kristina Weeks May 2018
I wonder if the moon ever feels alone.
Looking down on the earth a big ball of stone. Does he lament at night when we’re all astir ignoring his presence a myriad a blur of faces turning the disentranced eye.

Maybe that is why he seeks the sun.
The constant race to see her face but left with a whisper no matter the haste. Left alone with just a vestige of thoughts that once he had.

Doomed to forever be staring at a glow. Does he covet for her? Yearning for one look. One word to be heard. Does he scream for her now? Questioning why and how does he even exist. Calling for love and asservation with nothing left but desperation until she’s finally gone again.

He sits alone in wait anon. Until her face he’ll look upon. I stare and wonder if he’ll know. If he’ll know she’ll be back anew tomorrow?
- [KW]
This poem was written after a beautiful full moon we had recently. Just got really inspired.

— The End —