I know you're mad because I'm closed in tight
It's hard for me to express these feelings
I'm just not used to someone caring
I'm not used to someone taking the time to love me
To get to know me inside out
Believe it or not, it was easier to get in my body than in my mind
I know it's frustrating, cause you quote on quote, "I want to know what's in my woman's mind"
I couldn't agree more, it just takes me time
To get on paper what is in my mind
I'm just so used to closing myself off till I want to die
I still live day to day
I live with this weight on my chest
With it plastered in my mind,
Cluttered with it
Every gap has traffic in it
Every little thing you wouldn't want to remember
Whenever I'm alone,
Whenever I am vulnerable
It always ***** me right back
And holds on as tight as you do

“I wouldn't expect you to know beauty."
Beauty isn't ten pounds of make up, long hair, and thigh gaps
Beauty isn't the biggest ***** or **** you can find
Beauty isn't always short and petite

Beauty is her personality
It's her laugh, it's her smile
It's her ability to make you laugh for miles
It's her hugs that make your heart beat fast
And blushing madly when she grabs your ***
It's the way she loves and lives off of fun and enjoyment
It's the way she holds you during sleep over nights

She may be beautiful on the outside, but that doesn't compare to what I know is on the inside

I don't want love out of life anymore
I don't want anything out of life anymore
I just want to walk in the river of souls
*And let myself go

I never knew, I never thought
A kiss could make me so hot
And excited
To get closer to your soul
I didn't get the hype at all
It's just a kiss
Well, not at all
Your kiss just isn't a kiss
It makes me melt into a boiling puddle
What do you do to me!?
I can't even think when you connect your lips to me
It's like a hotline to a psychic's mind
I can't stop it
I'm hypnotized
You've ****** me in with those brown eyes
Lol
I'll admit, what did most of the work were those soft sumptuous clever lips

Letting go of a flower petal
And the wind picking it up for a ride to the unknown
Feeling something in your heart as you realize a flower petal has so much more freedom than you do
It can be who it is without a care while you can't
And flowers are loved for it while you aren't

You stand there wishing for a second, for a mere second you wish you were that flower petal
Then you look down then around and walk away, maybe still wishing you were that flower petal or maybe having it change you forever

The ones that claim to love you give you the most misery.

Do you know what it feels like?
To imagine killing people, and then feel slightly guilty after thinking so
Do you know what it feels like?
To hurt yourself feeling you deserve it, and afterwards you regret it
Do you know what it feels like?
To be a lesser being, to not even matter that the world doesn't hear you screaming
Do you know what it feels like?
To want to rip your own heart out, to stop the feeling, to stop the pain, to rid the burden, and the heavy rain
Do you know what it feels like?
**To be on the outside of every single thing

If it ***** with someone's head,
If it breaks somebody's heart,
If it violates someone internationally or externally,
Why wouldn't you be a bad person for doing this to another?
*And then blame who you did it to.

I will never be enough
*When I'm never enough for myself

Being alone and being lonely are two different things
Feeling alone or feeling lonely are two different things too
Alone, meaning no one is around
Feeling alone means there's people all around, but in you mind, heart, and soul you're all alone inside
Lonely, meaning you're single and searching
Feeling lonely means you're always alone, no matter the place or people

Alone
Or
Lonely?

I am both

I feel alone and I am alone
I feel lonely and I am lonely
My soul is cold and empty
But my body is warm and full
My body is heavy
And my spirit heavier
My mind the storm and my heart the war

Will it ever end?

The overcrowding loneliness and the loud silence that comes with it
Or the feeling that I'm alone

I cry
I mourn
But what am I crying for?
What am I mourning?
Am I crying for death to take me?
So that he can warm my soul and unburden my spirit?

Am I mourning the life I'm living?
Am I mourning the future I think I'll have?
Am I mourning that death doesn't want me, or that he doesn't love me the way I love him?
Am I crying and mourning the deep thirst I have for him?

I think I am
And I'm not sure if I'll ever get over him, or stop wanting him
He was my only solace except writing
He was the only thing I thought I could control
But I don't
He controls it
He decides whether to push me away or to bring me closer

This burden I carry
It breaks me a little each time I feel I should die
Why haven't I died? I think
I should be dead. Someone else who deserves to live should have the rest of my years.
I always think this
Then I think of others
The pain ebbs, but still flows much more greatly later, when I'm thinking too much, feeling too much
Am I alone or lonely?
I think I'm both
And as I said in one of my last poems: Am I trash or golden?
I'm not sure
Am I trash because I'm too broken, or am I golden because I'm broken in a beautiful way?

I'm not the same girl you met freshmen year
She caught emotional cancer when you first kissed her
That was her very first kiss
And it became very fatal when you took her virginity
And when you broke her heart she was too weak
She died, and I was the only one at the funeral to say "goodbye"
I never saw you there
Then I truly knew that you didn't love me the way I love you
And when you broke her heart
A new girl was given that heart
She was given that heart to ignore
And now she realizes that the broken heart she chose to ignore it still loves you
And whenever she's around you she knows that she'll never stop loving you
But she tries, she tries really hard to stop loving you
But she can't
She can't
She never thought she would fall in love with you and stay in love with you
She doesn't want to be in love with you anymore
But she is
It's amazing how you broke that girl's heart
And that other girl's who has her heart now still has that original girl's love for you
And no matter how broken my heart is, or how shattered it is
I'll always love you
I know I will

Everybody says "It's your life, take control of it."
Yes, quite indeed it's my life
And naturally, the controls comes with limitations
I keep falling back into bad habits
And each time I fall in I only get worser
"But Chalsey, you shouldn't let life limit you."
Limit me?
Well, I don't know how much of me there is.
Maybe this is all anyone gets
Maybe there isn't much more to me
*Maybe I am at my limit

It takes a lot more than a month and two pounds of **** to get over someone you really had feelings for.

You don't know how lucky you are*
You're innocent from the terrible things I've been through
You're the ******* cheerleader
And I'm the ******* freak
You fell in love with a creature incapable of loving back fully
And I fell in love with a fragile fairy so trusting
Here we go again
Into a story told a thousand times
Into a poem told with a thousand rhymes
Here I go again breaking another heart
Here I go again tearing my soul apart
For something I think I deserve I make myself incapable of loving myself or another

"What was it baby?"
"That I lost you for good."

I am ashamed to be human in this world today

We never know how fast we're dying
We never know how hard we're crying
You never know how when I lie awake
I think of things that make me quake
We never know how tired father time is
We never know when mother nature's time ends
We never know anything
We never know who someone truly is

Stop salting your soil
Stop ripping your roots
Stop grating your grass
Start calling a truce
Start reeping what you sow
Start watering and it'll grow
Communicate
Appreciate
Never hesitate
Or the sun will
Not elevate

“I hope you go to heaven so that I'll never have to see you in hell!"
OR
“I would rather live in hell if it's never to see you again!"

A heart isn't a game
*** isn't a game or a gamble
Tears are potions of frustration and pain
*** was never intended to be physical gain
I could knock on this ****
Point out everything not worth it
But still no one would ever get what my mouth tries to say
This age, and this day
Nothing but a petty game I'll have to play

Do you think you can revive me, when I'm half dead?
No
I'm just half full of life
So I can not be revived when I'm technically still half alive
You might **** me with your electricity
Doesn't matter I'll be the same
Never noticed
And half dead
Always ashamed of my half life
Always waiting for my half death to become full
Or maybe for my half life to become full
if at all possible
And live it till it's gone
My brain's been half gone
It's waiting to either be brought back or for me to come with it
I'm not sure what happened to it
It just was never there
So can I be revived, when I'm half alive?
No don't try it
Your electricity might **** me
But either way
I'll be the same
Unnoticed
And half dead
While I lay in bed

My darling, I'll do all the flicking
Since it's your cherry tree I'm picking
Don't get worried if you start shaking
It's merely just the earthquake my tongue is making
***** taste sweeter than nector
I do all the neck work
I'll put her on my face and make an effort
Flood me when you arch, girl

A whisper
So faint
So near
It came right up next to my ear
It said come with me, I need to show you something
What do you have to show me? I ask

I stood at the edge
It was a dark beautiful waterfall

I was so amazed
come near. it whispered

I came closer
closer it said

I came so near that my ear almost touched the water
Then I noticed there was no sound of the waterfall

It whispered
A sound so faint and small
But what it said was loud
My worst nightmares and my darkest thoughts that were forcefully unfinished, they were whispered in my ear
Word for word I could not stop listening
It whispered welcome to immortality

That is my whisper of darkness

If there's one thing I know
This world is living backwards
And we're in the middle of it in its war

Sorry I'm not good enough for you
How am I suppose to be good enough for you when I'm not good enough for me?
I can't satisfy society
Can't satisfy anyone, not even myself
~sigh~
I'm not sated,  neither is society and society never will be
No one will ever stop being thirsty or hungry or greedy
No one will ever be sated
I want  be sated but I don't know what I want anymore
Our generation wants everything and even when we get it we'll never be happy with it
We'll never be sated or happy
Cause having everything is nothing
Because we can have everything we thought we wanted and not want it anymore
Cause if I really wanted to be sated
I would have everything I need....not what I wanted

I know how maddening it is to listen
But it's ten times worse when you're the one talking

Crazy talk right?
It's even more questionable when you walk it
So unbelievable to the non-crazies

Hopefully my memory never fails me

Life's a terrible nightmare
A terrible dream
That keeps on going
Going till you leave
Death is your wakening for the real thing
*Death is the truth the moment you die, the moment you leave

I'm driving off the cliff into the oceans of insanity

Make me disappear
Make me go away
Make me understand this brand new place
Make me fall in love and melt my misery
Make me never leave this scenery
Make me see without my eyes
Never spill those little white lies
Make destroying me look beautiful and destroy me with the most beautiful hurricane ever seen

My muse is the last of life I have left in my heart

No one gets to come in
I am trapped inside my everflowing heart
The way it flows with my emotions it feels like I'm drowning
I'm drowning in envy,hate,and depression
My everflowing heart is drowning me in its boiling waves,snuffing out my every breath of relief
It pulls me down in its ever changing current
pushing and pulling my mind out of the equation
pulling me out from inside,I try to escape my everflowing heart
My heart traps me in these rushes of icey and lava showers and currents
And I can never swim away,it grabs hold of my arms and legs and pulls me down
It pulls me down till I'm almost crushed with its weight
The weight of all the pain and the hurt,the misery and the rush
My everflowing heart
Boils on the embers of my pain and weariness
And freezes on the ice of my fears and losses
The fears that crawl into my heart and creep into my mind
My everflowing heart freezes me in my fears, freezes me in my losses
Under its weight I'm frozen,it shifts its current and breaks me to pieces
My everflowing heart
it boils and freezes,
it pushes and pulls,
and breaks and shatters me apart
with its currents and an ever changing moon that controls it with a broken heart that once belonged to someone else

He has a hold on it
It feels cold and hot with the intensity of it
My heart
it tricks me into thinking it's love, while he squeezes the life out of me
And then he lets me go
I feel nothing
I am nothing
I feel every pain I felt since I was born
I am the the pain I was given
It overmelms me
It crushes me, liquifies me
But this pain is nothing compared ot the broken heart he gave me
The hold he has on me is strong and unbearable
Tearing me apart while I try to pry his hold off of me
I feel it
Every rip and tear he makes on my soul, while I hear the horrible sound of my broke heart
Broken, torn, and ripped up
I fall
I fall into his arms of crushing betrayal
And I fall in love all over again
And his hold on me will never let go

I've a heart full of dead roses
For lost loves I've never chosen
I pleaded with death and jumped over the devil
I'm telling you now, it's a whole bunch of trouble
Keep in mind, I am insane
I told you, I poured the pills down the drain
Please believe me
This disease is so ******* deadly
My mind, it totally upsets me
Cranking me down into something so deathly
Can you see me, when I'm just around the corner of your eye?
Truth comes proden sly
Can you hear the ringing inside?
If you do, that's just a sign
You're going insane with me
The flowers fill out and cover the smell of the deathly

Love me till I'm gone and my blood is spilt
Love me till I'm no longer breathing and our time is jilt
Love me even when my soul travels to where it be
*Love me
Love me while I'm still here
And I will love you too

It's crazy what people do in the extreme when they put themselves in the pit of it

When lamination slowly starts to creep
We weep
We seek
To release
We're meek
Helpless
Sleep sleeplessly
Terrible dreams
We seek what they mean
Froze
Stuck
In our lamination
Paralyzed in our dreams
Rainbows and unicorns were not in them
And if they were they were what led me to these nightmares
Nightmares when I try to run
Try to scream
Try not to stare at the rising sun
My lips blue
lying on the beach
Skin pale and sand smeared lips
Eyes unblinking
almost vacant, but not quite

There's still life!
My body rarely barely breathing
So still that it's eerie
My brown eyes almost vacant and unmoving
I know I'm there
I can hear the ocean
I can feel the morning breeze brushing my sand covered face and the strands of my hair
The problem is that it isn't me
There's no way I'm this beautiful or pale
Yes, I'm almost dying
But she's not me
Her skin is a white porcelain
Her eyes are the only thing of mine that's hers
Her hair brown
Her figure slim yet curvy
I'm in her body
I remembered
My body changed
But not my soul
This is me
The opposite of me
In a parallel universe who almost succeeded in what I did
*My soul was showing me what my other me did too

If it's true you ever loved me,
If it's true you ever cared,
Swear on my life you did.
I quadruple dare you to.

Let your delicate fingers trace and study every inch of my body
Be surprised that no one else knows it
How else do you want to study?
******, darling?;)
Or on hands experience, baby?c;
If you want it both ways, you'll have it down in no time
Let'***** the headboard big-time
We are inseparable
Completely entwined

I laugh to replace the tears I need to cry.

"The sun is always shining,
It's just covered by the clouds"

The less I have to do with it
The less drama I'll have to deal with

Everybody's out for blood in 2017+

My mind is in-between
In-between hell and insanity
In-between heaven and solitude
My heart is in-between
In-between hoping and wanting
In-between sorrow and self punishment
My soul is in-between
In-between hell's cold fire and heaven's pure indifference
In-between my mind and my heart's in-betweens

Why can't I dream for one night
Without seeing someone's after life

Why can't I dream for one night
Without seeing someone's future in my mind

Why can't I dream for one night
Without knowing what I dream

Why can't I dream for one night
Where what I dream ~even the nightmares ~ is better than my reality

Why can't I dream for one night
*And and never wake from it again

When I get a bae
Don't talk to meh

Life let me go
There's nothing to hold onto
Nothing
Cut my string
   give the rest to someone who deserves it
End my life line Life
Life, friend, you're holding onto nothing, just like someone who holds onto the love that is no longer there
If there's nothing to hang onto you're falling
Life let me go
There's nothing, nothing good what's so ever by holding on to me
But if there is I don't know it
So tell me
Tell me if there is
I know there's nothing
No one wants to know my story
My story is not worth your two cents

*Life loves everyone and when it's time death falls in love with you too. And life may miss you while death has given you his kisses, but after a while, you may fade away from life's memory.

I don't want to be in love with someone who doesn't know I exist
I don't want to be in love with someone who can't love me
*But mostly,
I don't want to be in love with someone who will use me like air, treat me like nothing, and throw me away like trash

This war is ripping me to shreds
My mind, splattered with so much red
My heart, a rag doll to a dog, stricken with such great regret
My eyes don't want to see it yet

**** me with your love
Suffocate my soul with the flowers of beauty
Listen to my heart beat faster knowing I'm closer to dying
Listen to my song of heart
Just let our love tear me apart
Listen to the words I'm saying
Don't you know what I am playing?
I used to love you now I don't
Why do you think every I love you tears me apart?
I just can't stand it
It's killing me
Your love is too much to bear and mine has long left me
Just let your love **** me
It will be the end of me anyway