i smile and turn away,
my heart flickering.
and as we walk away,
we both look back
for one last goodbye
and grin.
we are two stars in love with each other's brightness.
i open my door
and still i am thinking about you.
your smell still hovers around me
and my smudged lipstick
provides evidence of our love.
immediately i pull out my phone to text you,
only to find a text that reads
'i love you'.
and i know that we will shine forever,
lighting up the world.

i wonder if we would spend afternoons in the sun drinking whiskey and reading poetry together.
i wonder if he would talk to me like i was the only star in the universe.
i wonder if we would lie on my bedroom floor listening to the clash and the who and gaze into each other's eyes.
i wonder if he would read plato as i slept and wake me up with little snippets of his mind.
i wonder if we would fall in love and get married or if we 'weren't that kind of couple'.
i wonder if we would travel the world together like we always dreamed.
i wonder if we would have gone on long walks down by the river planning our future together.
i wonder what would have happened if i'd met him first.

we are just two broken shadows
clinging to each other
desperate to love and be loved
we find solace in one another
equally hurt and destroyed
we have both witnessed the destruction of our own hearts
seen them obliterated into thousands of pieces
littering our souls with pain
but together we will survive.
i love you

thank you
to the stranger at the station
who wished me a good day.
to the teacher who said
'i always knew you could do it'
and the one who helped me say
'goodbye' to my low self esteem.
to the sad girl with the blog
who reassured me i was not alone.
to the woman who made me
laugh and always listened
and proved that there is hope.
to the two who are always there for me:
the girl who taught me
how to live
and the boy who showed me
what true friendship really is.
to the aunt who told me
'it's okay to be you'
and the grandmother who demonstrated
how to always stay strong
and how to thine own self be true.
to the little girl with bright blue eyes
who spoke to me when i was
so alone.
you all saved my life.
thank you for being the best people
i have ever known.

i am not strong enough
to bear the weight of your gaze.
i will crumble under your touch
as you shoot me
with your heartbeat bullets.
one word from you
will burn my soul
and i cannot
put up a barrier against the pain
any more
because you already destroyed it.
one of your beautiful kisses
will poison me
and the antidote i used before
no longer functions  
because you took everything from me.
i am not strong enough
to cope with your love.

I have run out of words.
They no longer flow from my fingertips,
No more do they glint in the light of your sight.
The letters that once formulated on my lips and kissed you
Have gone.
You say words are beautiful
But I have none.
Where does that place my beauty?
Share your letters with me?
And I will create new words for us to be.

just because i no longer kiss the universe that is in your heart
it doesn't mean that it's not there any more.

just because i now see stars within the depths of his eyes
it doesn't mean that yours aren't still full of them.

just because i do not touch your skin any more
it doesn't mean you don't still feel like the solar system.

just because i no longer love you
it doesn't mean that you are any less brilliant.

you are still wonderful.

I wonder why poets are sad.
Is poetry salvation from misery?
Or is everyone sad?
And maybe we only notice it in the people who write:
Sylvia Plath.
Virginia Woolf.
Charlotte Mew.
So many.
Is poetry just cathartic?
Do people not write about happiness because it has no effect?
Or are they afraid of happiness?
Sara Teasdale.
Anne Sexton.
Richard Brautigan.
Why so many?
Does writing poetry cause sadness?
Because one must reflect on misery to create emotive poems?
Or do sad people write poetry as a form of release?
Humans are addicted to sadness-
Are poets more so?
Are poets the most emotionally intelligent of humanity?
Or are they merely able to describe them?

Us readers feed off the misery of them.
Our creative fuel originates from the pain of poets.

I wonder why poets are sad.

smudged lipstick,
exchanged clothes,
eternal smiles,
constant messages,
love heart emojis,
paper flowers,
daisy chains,
borrowed books,
movie marathons,
midnight phone calls,
whispered 'i love you's,
shared secrets,
love songs on repeat,
duets to the smiths,
surprise cuddles,
never-ending happiness,
an absence of loneliness.

My poisonous lips lock
With his beauty,
I restrain the tears-
Imprisoning them behind bars of a happy façade.
But they are not criminals.
It is my smile that is guilty.
I utter the three words he wants to hear
And smile
While my heart writhes
In pain
As I lie.

Her sons never tell her they love her.
And her mother has never been proud.
She married a stranger from the big city.
And now they live in a small town.

She works day and night
To keep them alive.
But she’s only just breathing herself.
She’s selfless and kind,
Never on her own mind.
Her world revolves around them.

Engaged at eighteen,
To the life she had dreamed,
But ran away when the stability froze.
She always wanted more,
From the life that she saw
Ahead of her since she was small.

But her parents were strict,
Told her she’d never make it
And drove her away from the life that she wanted to live.

She searches for the beauty
Of the dreams she once had.
The ambitions she followed
Until her world crashed down.

She thinks back in time
To the end of the line;
Where she should have crossed instead of turned round.

She knows it too late to go back,
To the time when she was that
Woman she wanted to be.
Now she’s stuck in a big house,
On the outskirts of a small town.
Forever held back by the fears that she once had.

But I tell her don’t worry
Because it will all work out.
She will have the life she wanted
When the time comes around.

And her sons will tell her they love her.
And her mother will always be proud.
She’ll marry the prince of her kingdom
And escape from the small, small town.

What if I do love you?
And it's not just 'love'.
But uttering the words is impossible
Because letting you into my heart is
Terrifying.
I have put the barrier up,
The barrier that only allows 'love' not love.
It twists my emotion into a word I do not wish to say,
The same word but a different meaning.
You say I love you
And I reply with 'I love you too'.
I want to mean more but
The fear stops me-
It manipulates
Everything I stand for.
'I love you' hurts you
but
I love you hurts me.
Teach me how to say it,
Tell me to be brave.

She was always so angry at the world.
She saw all the beauty
And saw how the people destroyed it.
Her eyes were portals to the past;
Within her soul was the pain of a society,
A society that could have been
If we had not taken for granted
The reality
And speciality.
Originality
Was taken from us the moment
This world was born.
She saw that we were not a world of love
Anymore.
We were a world of hatred
And pain
And prejudice
And judgement.
She saw through the fallacy
We have created:
Our facebook walls are mere facades,
Disguising who we are
And hiding us in the blur of the stars
Of who we wish we were.
Soon there will be no people.
No emotions.
No relationships.
The only thing that will exist are machines
With vacant faces,
Taken over by a society that shouldn't have been.

Aim for the history book,
Not the magazine.
Be remembered for good,
Not for bad.
Do what you want,
And want what you do.
Make sure people will remember you.

You can change the world,
You just have to believe,
That you are the one,
Who can end poverty.
Be the change you want to see,
Do it all with grace.
Make the world a better place.

Ignore all the insults,
Trust the compliments.
Stay by your family,
Despite the arguments.
Friends will come and go
But family’s forever.
Don’t give up. Never.

The people you miss,
Will be known to you until
The day you die.
If they’re in your head,
They are never dead.
For you keep them alive.
New people will always arrive.

Aim for the history book,
Not the magazine.
For in the end you’ll see,
Success is your ambition,
Never dream of fame.
The answer lies in your heart,
Even if you don’t know how to start.

A year ago today I woke up.
And for the first time in years
The sun rose,
Its rays blinding me,
Not with helplessness
But with hope.
I stretched and the sadness slipped away
As the anxiety evaporated in the morning heat.

A year ago today I saw the world for the first time
All its bright lights and smiling faces.
I saw how wonderful it was to be alive.
I stood in the centre of the world
Consuming the beauty,
Breathing in the wonder.
To think I could've stayed asleep
And been oblivious to this place.

A year ago today I breathed a sigh of relief.
It had gone.
There was no longer a black hole within my heart,
Destroying my happiness.

Oh my god it is wonderful to be alive.

A year ago today I woke up.
And I smiled.
It was over at last.

my head hurts.
your love is pounding against my thoughts.
the whispers seep out of my skull
like the secrets that were hidden for far too long.
it's beautiful in a way,
the pain that your happiness has caused me.
how lucky i am to have been hurt by your smile.

life is hard sometimes.
everything is so difficult.
every movement feels like a chore
and every breath feels as if my lungs are drowning in the world's tears.
my friends stab me in chest
i cannot feel my soul anymore
it is too wounded.
and i love him
but he doesn't understand
what it is to be so completely sad
that nothing matters anymore
and everything feels pointless.
i cannot function.
nothing works anymore.
i cannot feel.
i am not real.
i lie in the middle of the world
as dollanganger and the smiths sing in my ears
whispering words of wisdom
"let it be"
but it doesn't work.
nothing works.
there is nothing i can do to escape the trappings of my inner self.
i am a broken human.
and i am worth nothing.
i used to lose myself in fiction,
i'd fall between the pages of a good book.
but i cannot lift the pages anymore.
making music was my passion
now it is my worst nightmare.

nothing works anymore.
i dont know how to fix it.



who am i?

and then you were gone.
you rushed into my past,
tearing through my heart as you went.
you littered my soul with the shreds of love,
each one piercing me
with such force that i swear
the world ripped open.
now there is a rift inside me-
you forgot to close it when you rushed into my past.
it's pulling me in,
i'm folding in on myself baby.
i'm imploding.
maybe this is how it was always meant to end:
not with an explosion;
i didn't go out with a bang
or even a light.
i ended with an implosion.
how pathetic.

Look at that little broken girl,
The one he created.
Look at those fake smiles
And sad eyes.
She was never enough for him.
But look at her now.
Look how she climbed that rainbow
And look at her beating heart.
Look how she survived.
See how she was strong enough to leave
And look what she's found now.
Look at the sunshine bursting out from within her
Look at those stars she can't help but show.
Her smile is real now
And her eyes shine brighter for you.
Look at that little broken girl.
And look how strong she is now.

do you remember capital letters?
the upper case that i seldom use?
remember how i used to use them?
if you scroll through my poems you will see that i did.
but then you happened.
you didn't steal them from me
but capital letters indicate strength
and because of you
i am weak.

I held him as he cried himself to sleep,
The tears of his past trickling through my bones,
My comfort merely a sieve
For his liquid sorrow.

A fluttering heart,
A warm comfort,
A yearning so painful
You won't believe.
A constant smile,
A sudden tingling,
A quivering lip
You can't see.
An excited leap,
A sense of acceptance,
A nervous glance
You don't see.
A hopeful dream,
A strong belief,
But love won't come
To me.

i saw you dancing in the devil's heart.
did it make you happy?
or are you still the pathetic man you always
proved to me to be?
did the fires of hell warm your icy heart?
or does it still beat only for yourself?
were you tortured down there?
were you thrown into a fiery pit of despair?
or does the devil not use your punishments?
do you remember the stars you stole from me?
i hope that he burnt them up and threw them away
because baby
you do not deserve to have my starlight pouring out of you.
do you still have my innocence?
did he let you keep that?
i hope that it erodes your skin
and burns your insides like acid.
did you not realise that my love for you was poisonous?
no?
you were the one who poisoned me.
and you will dance forever in the devil's heart.

the world is at its end.
no more smiles, laughs, cries.
we are all attached to social media,
our life source no longer love, but wifi.
no-one lives in the moment.
no-one cares about a ******* thing.
mechanic children forced through the system,
lost to generations of futile fear.
rich kids now the underprivileged, deprived of happiness.
the poorest are the happiest.
equality is a long lost concept.
crime and violence rule our lands.
never again will a child love,
always will the sadness seep
through the veins of the long forgotten warriors;
the musicians, the actors, the artists, the authors.
their blood runs cold,
never reaching the hearts of the disenchanted young.
creativity has gone.
we are all the same,
ruined by obsession, greed, hunger, power.
we even look the same:
grey hair, paper skin, tired eyes.
these are the marks of destruction.
we have all been taken over
by the recklessness of our hatred
and the poverty of our love.

bright lights
loud music
dancing
hugging
loving
all together
beer
falling
kissing
talking
honesty
truth
*****
happy
laughing
smiling
spinning
spinning
spinning

i love you all so much

every human being is an island.
so little on the surface
compared to the wonder beneath.
we present only what we wish others to know,
the superficiality consuming humanity.
nobody will ever know what is truly inside
and this is okay
according to society.

but i say **** society.
true contentment resides within our heart
and we must let others reach inside
and with their love guide
us up to the surface
so that our island represents
all of us.
and not just the façade.

her laugh is the most beautiful noise in the universe.
and the way she looks at you could melt your heart.
the love is not romantic,
but it is real.
she is everything to me.
she helped me find land in a ocean of the unknown.
her smile is the medicine that cures it all,
all the pain washes away as soon as she appears.
i do not yearn for her,
but my god do i want her.
she means the world to me.
she's the kind of person who tells you everything's okay
and you believe her.
because she is,
without a doubt,
the most wonderful woman in this world.
and i am so lucky to know her.

everything is spinning again
and i've forgotten how to make it stop.

The skies are swollen with sadness.
And when it overflows,
Our misery gushes down to Earth as
The clouds cry for us.
It's a cycle:
The evaporation, condensation, precipitation of our tears is ongoing.
Everlasting.
It never stops.
We are pulled out of misery
Only to be rained on again.
We can't defeat it,
No-one can prevent the impending rain.
So why try?
Instead,
Seek love.
Because love will hand you an umbrella.
And you will be safe from the rain
For a while.

Love is like water:
Necessary. We can't live without it.
It seeps through even the smallest of spaces,
Unaffected by darkness and emotion, withstanding all else.
It has been here since the beginning and will be here until the end.
When all else fails there is always water,
There is always love.

Love is like water,
And I'm dehydrated.

it creeps up on you,
slowly consuming you and all you are.
you don't notice until it's too late
and already you're drowning.
one minute you're at the top of the world,
surrounded by so much.
and then
suddenly you can't move,
burdened by the weight of all that was once beneath you.
you didn't notice them leave,
but all the people you used to love are strangers.
you have no-one.
you are no-one.

on the other side of my screen
there is a sad boy,
his heart broken by a beautiful flower
with dangerous roots.
he covers his eyes,
keeping his tears in the shadows,
hiding them from those he loves.
he is strong and brave and wonderful.
but he doesn't realise.
he paints himself the colour of sadness
yet it fails to disguise the brightness in his soul.
he is in a sea of people
but he stands out,
his kindness and love
so high compared to everyone else's.
he is the most beautiful boy.
one day he will realise.

How can the beautiful think they are failing?
How can the most wonderful people be so
oblivious to their beauty?
Do they have glasses through which
Only lies can be seen?
Has sadness become a veil
Across their vision,
Obstructing the light of brilliance?
Are their mirrors laced with despair
So that their reflection is disfigured with doubt?
Or does society just fail those who are full of wonder and magic?

You are not failing.
Society is failing you.

there are spaceships above the new york skyline
and the news says they are stealing the stars.
i'm trying to fight them baby
i'm trying to save the stars that you gave me.
but i think it might be too late.
did you already take them back from me?
because i can't find them.
the sky is empty of your love-
only your hatred is left
in the form of spaceships above the new york skyline.
it was you who started the attack
wasn't it?
please stop stealing my stars baby.
they're all i have left of you.

You said that you loved me.
But how can that be?
When so soon after you are
Writing poetry with her?
You never used to let me write your poems-
I wasn't even allowed to read them.
And you refused to read mine.
So how could you have possibly loved me?
You never did.
And again I am a fool.

she could turn a sentence into a star,
just by rolling it off her tongue
as if the universe was made to pour out of her.
her eyes were portals to another world,
to the place where her heart lived,
orbited by her lungs.
within her are a multitude of galaxies,
the map to each one etched across her skin.
i trace the pathway until i find the planet
that we first fell in love upon.
and i kiss her again,
beneath the same blanket of stars
that she exhaled the very first time.
she is made of stars,
every part of her is strung together with a constellation.
and i will travel the entire solar system
just to reach the brightest star
because i know that's where she will be.

he was the kind of person who spoke so beautifully that you wanted to write down his every word
and instead of oxygen, he breathed in stars, lighting up the universe with the supernovas he exhaled.
his laughter was the question i wanted to spend my whole life answering and i knew i would never tire of searching.
some people aren't just people, but a place - a whole world.
he was the kind of person you could live in for the rest of your life.

My heart leapt
But my soul fell
Into an eternal abyss.
Further and further away
From light,
From hope,
From love.
I am empty and alone,
Unwanted and abandoned.
I am drowning,
Struggling to reach the surface.
Still there is a smile:
A pretence,
A façade.
My soul still falls
But my heart continues.

Leaves tumble to the ground,
As if surrendering.
They fall softly,
Scarcely louder than silence.
As they drift the wind decides where to take them,
It whistles and blows,
Separating clusters.
Now there is a carpet of leaves,
Laid out especially
for her.
She finds delight as they crunch under her naked feet.
Destruction pleases her.
The leaves that were once high above everything else
Are now crushed
Beneath her.
She indulges herself in the knowledge that she has reduced the highest to
Nothing.

I see a horse, elegant and proud,
I remember riding one into the cloud,
Her head held high, braver than me,
She was shot, that horse, despite her plea.

A firework explodes in the sky,
I remember him, his hopeless cry,
The night the shell came over my head,
And the next morning we found him dead.

A choir sings, it's Christmastime,
I remember the peace that cold daytime,
Boxing day we start killing again,
But that Christmas we were friendly gunmen.

I sit in a café eating beans,
I remember it, those dreadful scenes,
We were so hungry at mealtime,
But stealing rations was a crime.

My son runs around with a toy gun,
I remember how he did nit run,
Only looked pleadingly into my eyes,
I had no mercy- he soon dies.

I am not proud to be alive,
I am not happy to have survived,
I will remember you with all my heart,
In my head we will never part.

Wherever I go, whatever I do,
The war is with me.
It comes too.

You have no idea
How much
Those little things
Mean to me.
A brief touch
On my forearm,
Brushing my hair
Off my face,
Starting conversations,
Adding an 'x' to your
Already wonderful words,
Nudging my leg with yours,
Putting your glasses on me,
Saying I made your day.
Sure the hugging
And the kissing
Are great.
Fantastic even.
But it's the little things
That mean so much to me.
It's the little things
That make me love you.

I am walking,
Will you join me?
We can run and laugh under the sun
As we lose ourselves.

I won't bring a map.
We will find our own way
Through the meandering rivers of time.
Maybe we'll lost along the way.

I can never truly be lost,
Not when I'm with you.
You are an exquisitely bright star
Guiding me, always.

We will chase one another
And fall into the velvet grass.
We will lie together,
Finding shapes among the clouds.

At dusk we will talk
Until dawn.
And then gaze, eyes wide in wonder
At the beauties of the world.

When we tire,
We will find the strength in one another to continue.
If you are with me I won't surrender
To the tribulations of adventure.

So will you join me?
As I walk back to happiness.

They leapt at her,
Crept inside her mind and
Altered her thoughts.
They intervened with her emotions,
Caused her to imagine new worlds
Of which she was not a part.
They scared her
And with her rope of ignorance,
She strangled the words.

the tears are flowing
and i don't know if i am
happy or sad.
is my heart seeping through my shattered soul?
or is my joy leaking from the corners of my smile?
am i on top of the world?
or beneath it?
am i empty?
or bursting with emotion?
i never know whether my soul
is grinning or weeping.
are the tears
happy?
or
sad?

It's overrated.
People think it equates to happiness
But it doesn't
At all.
Believe me- I am in it and sad.
I'm sad.