Diamond beads roll off my skin
Sweaty hands and age old gin
Sunshine pupils in candy eyes,
Crying gumdrops and sugarcoated lies.
Raindrops on my fingertips
Poison blood on broken lips
Black and blue painted thick
Cheeks flushed red; a simple trick
Kill yourself but stay alive
On your rotting soul they'll thrive.
The shadows of forgotten thoughts,
Who rap themselves around your heart
And suffocate the breath you wished was gone
Turned my sunshine into war
I don't feel better anymore.
I step in to the streets where my mind is clear
Nature feels my pain with her rasp in the air
Singing duets about a girl back home
Dreaming of my baby with her light blonde hair
Laying in the gutter with a knife in my back
Trying to keep warm with this bottle in my hand
I've got a reputation so I've got to keep it cool
I would take my life but there's the laws of man
My friend says "take a bump to keep your mind at ease
A coked up conscious will set your spirit free"
Trying to find God but my ritual is insane
Living my life through a lucid dream
Running through Salem with the wind at my back
They execute the sinners with a bloody axe
Got caught dancing with the ghosts of my past
They'll hang me from a scaffold for my witchcraft
My mind cries warning but my heart don't care
A dozen red roses with a note that reads "beware"
I want to rise to fame, I'm going to make a deal
The devil takes my soul and the reaper is near
"You never get closure in an abusive relationship"
the advocate looked at me, softly, as she could waiting to see the hard news
the other women in the room were silent
Their "hes" were still around town, coming in and out
interfering, lying low, but at least paying attention,
abandonment is worse than punishment I thought
I was on the other side of the world, a reverse time zone
falling into the abyss
He took my wedding ring and engagement ring out of my luggage
then brought it up the stairs to me
and waited for the shuttle to come
I hugged him, but he didn't hug back, he shoved the bags inside
I was crying, he was stone cold, he payed the driver of the "sherute"
the shuttle to the airport in Hebrew, people stared but I didn't
care anymore, I was so used to people staring as he now
spoke to me and offered me a cigarette in front of the Mercez Horev, the mall
siting on the dirty concrete benches watching the line of people having
their bags checked before going in
Here I was smoking like I'd done my army service and gotten bored
and smoked to relieve the boredom and the stress
then something would go wrong and he'd get up, screaming at me
in English, and I'd run after
I didn't look at anyone in the sherute but I just knew they felt sorry for me
as we pulled away, after twelve years together, the last I saw of him
was him heading down the stairs
and now, the people at that job
I am learning new things in my classes
and, for one crazy moment I think:
I want to share this with them
so I write to my former boss
and that's the last thing he would ever want from me
He is the smart one, I am not, no one is smarter than him
He will never listen to me
Like I hugged my husband
not knowing he'd stolen my engagement ring and my wedding band
just like the Tel Aviv lawyer told me he would
the end. you never get closure in an abusive relationship
Do you only allow your sweet tears to flow when you are sure that no one else can see you.
Are you worried that if you don't hide these somber moments the true you just may show thru.
Is it that you turn away when it is your beauty which is being spoken of.
As if all the scars etched in your heart were revealed making you undeserving of love.
Do you let the monsters, that violate your solace, keep you cowering backed up against the wall.
Is it that you believe you will always be alone, no one will try and catch you if you fall
Won't you let in the ones that stand before you, for they appear to truly care.
So you think that, just like all the other, they will just leave you , which is a pain you cannot bare.
it's never the net.
" the box "
we throb lobbing red breast robins
inna box, over double rainbows.
what the nail
had no art to crucify -
and we lie -
on a tarmac of truth, our err planes depart dark waters
and it's not
only half as
My legs shake on our shaking ground
I see you flickering like these fickle streetlights
and I press my forehead against yours
trying to extract thoughts from your nightsky mind
I hold you in the pit of my stomach.
In knots in my throat, In the lines of my fingers,
I hold the way you looked on docks, in cars, in casinos
in bed, lying next to me.
Arms around your waist, lips opening mine, quick breaths, slow minds,
Wood paneled euphoria in hazel eyes, gone the second you shut them.
We’ve gotten so good at goodbyes, one step forward in our tortured waltz.
Shooting horses we go, reaching for your phantom limbs, I will see your ghost everywhere.
In that last embrace, your pulse is too reminiscent of a clock’s mocking heartbeat.
Your gasps are too similar to those of previous nights when you made me whole.
And I watch you for the last time, disappearing behind curves in roads,
straight into someone else. who will give you everything. who won’t break you.