I haven’t been able to sleep for the past couple of nights,
something I wish that could just be classified as a typical case of insomnia.
But I know the reason for my wandering, rambling mind
extends far beyond a simple medical diagnosis.
As I lay awake tossing and turning I've deduced that I have two possibilities to explain
my current misfortune.
My first option is that I’m nearing the brink of insanity -
which I’m trying to convince myself is true-
because I don’t think I could come to terms with the other reason.
And yet there’s no evading it.
Every time I close my eyes, I see her face and inadvertently find myself submerged in her perfection. This is then accompanied by a pitiful pang of longing.
The truth is, I didn’t come for her.
It was never about her.
In fact, right before I got myself into this mess I had constructed a mental compilation of things I wouldn’t allow myself to do.
I had reassured myself with a definitive firmness that if I broke her heart, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it.
Of course, that was when I still could sleep.
That was before I developed a stupid conscience.
That was before everything changed.
And now I’m running out of options and running out of time.
It's funny, looking at my hands after all this time.
They do so much for me, they are the tools that allow me to do much of what defines me.
So here they are, splayed out in front of my face.
And I am trying to convince myself of something.
That maybe if my hands were just a little bigger, a little wider, a little stronger I could stop it.
I could catch all your tears as they fell.
I could hold you up when you fall.
I could point you in the direction where things wouldn't be so damn awful.
I could grip the fears and terrors of our day to day and
I could beat back the sadness.
But I have only got my hands.
And they seem a little inadequate for the job I need to do.
I want to carry the weight of the world on my hands, and give your shoulders a much needed rest.
I have tried.
But fuck, I am sorry.
Because the results seem to be a little lackluster.
I know that I can't stop the sad days, even more than I can create the happy days.
Just know that for you, I will spread my hands like the wings I was never meant to have
And share your burden.
You are not Atlas, Job, or Cain,
And I love you because of that.
I was hatched not Borned. I crawled from under a rocky moss in the darkest of forests. Where no tree was ever heard falling. Where sunlight in it's eeriest form would creep in through the treetops, never touching ground. There I was born and should have remained, in the cool damp darkness of the forest.
I had roots buried deep by a lake. Raising my arms high into the sky I left that place uprooted like wings to land here, where I am. And should never be.
My fort was burned to cinders today. Smoke, charred lumber remains amongst the ashes. Where we all began. Where I shall return.
I may have been the impish wood nymph who teased you in my forest, where people would come to play. Some settled within my hallows taking what once was, my haven.
I have discovered I am and was nothing. Thinking so well of myself and others. Lost for such a long time. Like eons.
A day came & light shined so brightly it blinded me. Skin pale now darkening. Warmth my heart had never imagined. Today all of that was merely just that. What I could have never imagined. The non existence of love something my sight my heart has never seen. Now lost unable to let go of what was simply a dream.
The time has come to leave the light of this place. To roam throughout space, endless, timeless, nothing tangible or real.
That is my place, my haven of havens where dreams are realized for being just that. Dreams
I bid to all fondest goodbyes, look to the stars, look to the skies. There I will be forever unseen to the human eye. Watching over you.
How could I ever had wanted more, one so underserved. How arrogant to ask for anything. Especially love, more so, your love. That which was not mine to take, nor yours to offer. How I wanted that warming ember, that chilling spine tingling sensation your eyes gave me. Like a greedy ogre seeing light for the first time. Something precious, vibrant new. Transforming me into something I had always wished to be. Simply loved, no longer alone, afraid. A dream beyond dreams. Now a nightmare of humiliation fear hate and anger. If this never existed, then why should I ?
Words written from the eyes of a child. Who once saw things with such amazement and wondrous awe. A child who danced and sang in the fields of flowers, skies of rainbows, laughter & light.
Tackled, shackled, beaten to darkness. Waking with loss of all the childish wonder. Seeing things so differently. No songs or music, no rainbow skies or laughter heard or seen again. Then she came. I peered from the darkness in fear. Catching a glimpse of the sparkle in her eyes. Left mesmerized, warm wanting more. Slithering from the darkness I crept behind. Touched her hand. She, looking down, smiled and lifted me to my feet. The first time I have seen eye to eye in time lost I cannot remember when last. I, we reveled in this passionate embrace. Seeing a lifetime in front of me of love, freedom to be just me. No eyes straining. A hand so soft warm and comforting touching my face. Giving me life.
Today I woke to discover. This was my own illusion. My own to desire to be loved as I once was a child. All taken away by this illusion, perhaps my childish delusions that one like me could me loved, as I have loved you. I look in the mirror, you no longer looking back at me from behind. Faded like a wisp of smoke. I discover, you never were. Just my own illusion.
Moonlight washed me in its white crane wing
And she didn’t know I was far away
Quietly leaving her door!
Each glistening grain spoke her pain
Cajoling me to go back to her warmth
And not court the windswept shore!
How would they know I was not there seeking love
But dig deep the earthen night
Find something more!
Something more than love
More treasurable more eternal
Waiting to be discovered in that lunar carnival!
The sea knew the secret
But the waves wouldn’t return
What’s destined as a lover’s fate!
As the night waned in hush
Dimmed the moonshine
Slowed the wind’s rush
I stood on her door
And she took me in her warmth
I couldn’t be far!
i want a voice like the heartbeat of the metra tracks
as it shakes its way into your brain
while you're half awake
'bout something sweet
something that means nothing to me
but it's cute
the way you can't help but smile
i want to be that cringe of excitement in your skull
that you can't stop daydreamin' about
if you could find yourself fascinated by my freckles
and my flaws
and the scars all over from all of the near-fatal gashes
and the heaps and heaps of stardust rusting to my eyelashes
and the fact that i'm always talking about love as if i'd actually had it
i'd never say you were a fool
i could wear you like split ends
or a crooked grin
a handsome pair in inclement weather
somehow better together
not two halves
of one whole
thriving on each other
cigarettes and coffee
whiskey and beer
we're in the clear from here
nothing but salty tides and starry skies
straight on 'till morning
Life, will take your hands and break every tendon in your fingers
Life, will rip your fingernails off like the 12th ticket in Stop&Shop's deli counter line
the cold, dead selects you purchase by the ounce for weekly lunches remind us all
of the patience we practice each day
Patiently waiting in line patiently waiting to buy
He's waiting for her to text back and she is waiting for her heart to attack
She's been hearing the war for years now, gunshot reminders and grenade bombers explode through her bloodstream to haunt any destiny of peace
We want you to be Okay
everyone wants some semblence of comfort but there are needles in my eardrums
the music isn't piercing me anymore
I miss notes and sailboats streaming into me
I know where they are but my fingers are limp
Life will numb your fingers
so when your mother buys you gloves and hats on your birthday
muster the golden mustard stained napkin in your heart and wipe the selfish tears
A piano is unrealistic, that opportunity passed years ago
Be thankful for the very light reflecting off of the silverware, remember
Life will never be simple or fair
you will always be here but wish you are there
Sometimes you will feel like nobody cares
and that's alright
nobody has to care
except for the gremlins that live inside my hair
“So this is the end of you and me
We had a good run and I'm setting you free
To do as you want, to do as you please
I just look up the sky and stare at the fireworks with such passion.
They fascinate me.
Sometimes it feels like they’re just like us.
It feels in one moment that they’re eternal just like us.
We’re somehow, somewhere, eternal.
Just right then in the middle of it, it feels eternal,
then everything all the little sparks that we felt
all the sparks that we were
fade into the darkness
and we realise that just as those fireworks
we fade into the dark,
we’re remembered for some time and then we’re forgotten.
But some of us are an eternal spark,
just like the first firework in history
or the biggest fireworks ever made,
We’re just like those fireworks,
sparks that die.
August the 16th 2013