have you ever felt trapped? caged? stuck? like everyone around you is moving and you're frozen and can't move? maybe it's the depression. maybe it's fear. i don't know what it is - all that i know is this feeling is completely paralyzing. sometimes it feels like i'll never leave this town. i'm so afraid of going nowhere yet i'm terrified of going out and living my life. i wish i could just crawl out of my skin. maybe that's why i tear it open almost every night. i wish i could escape myself. being stuck in this body is worse than being stuck in this town. it feels like my feet are glued to this very spot and no matter how much i try to undo it, it's continuing to stick. people always told me i'd go far in life but i'm not quite sure if i believe that. for i am immobilized by the paralyzing fear of being unsuccessful. maybe it's just the anxiety. maybe i'm insane.
Why walk away?
Can't you stay?
Just say yea.
I dare say.
Let me sway,
Favor my way.
In my hay,
Care to lay?
We can play.
Make me your clay,
I will not fray,
No price to pay.
Have our way,
Make our day,
Bright shining ray.
Hope to pray,
Lead no stray,
Mist of gray.
If you may
heart to slay,
Each other's prey,
But faded away,
Speed into the gray,
Do you miss my way?
My sense of play?
Our time in verbal dismay?
Thoughts of different gray,
But finding common light ray,
Flirt with you in my way.
It was fun to play,
But now we are faraway,
Faded to the time of light ray.
Why walk away?
When you could have asked me to stay,
And we could have played.
I've spoke of the pork rind
And my love for it's crunch
Now I must give due credit
To whom I'm having for lunch
The Pig or the "Porkster"
In my circle he's fondly called
But to all the outsiders
He is simply known as the Hog
He comes in many flavors
Bacon, Chitlins, or Ham
There's even an air of mystery
In the can known as Spam
He's at all the major holidays
The guys a Rock Star
Those sweet on him call him Honey Ham
Oh...you know who you are
Why he's even in China
Where the Royal Family has succumbed
I hear the Emperor's pet name for him is
Pork Egg Foo Young
Well I could go on for days
Talking about that little feller
But could you please pass the Mustard
........ preferably the Yeller
How do I love thee?........first four words of one of your favorite sonnets.
I could never stop counting the ways or comparing thee to a summer's day.
Te amo bebe....Je t'aime nebe.....Ich liebe dich, baby.....all languages = same.
No duress here.....I choose to live life on a maybe you will or wont love again.
No duress.......I choose to love you and that would be nobody's business.
Goto Nordies, Sharper Images, etc.......any of your favorites to shop.....my treat.
Time for annual meeting Mr. Frustration......Pls accept what I'm happy to buy.
Any other lady would be chomping at the bit, thrilled, I'm using no limits cards.
Big surprise for you my Pet.........hope you like and there's no need to ship it.
It's a little somethings I bought just for me and you with thoughts of our future.
Bought matching wheel chairs so we can ride off into the sunset to Gray land.
Ms. Betty Ponder, I adore and give you my heart.....I love you and always will.
If you choose to cast me aside.....history will most definitely repeat.......I go
alone to same place I went the last time you walked out of my life.....
I'll take our happy memories......scent of your body and your perfume.....
sound of your laughter and sexy voice forever recorded....visions of eyes...
gazing up at me in deep passion.......and abundant qualities that make
you my only unforgettable shorty and gorgeous Ms. Betty Ponder.
I know she is better than me
Why else would I
Want to get you two together
She helps the sick
And is very outgoing
Such a sweet girl
Her smile lights up the room
And her personality
Is absolutely fantastic
I am the sick
And I'm shy around you
I can't bring myself to smile
With you alone
And my personality
Is conflicting as heck
She thinks things through
Life is simple
I define my world
And explain how every move you make
Can make or break things
I think she likes you back
And in five minutes
I could prove it to you
With scientific evidence
And you two could
Be happy together
But why is the person
Who brings people together
Is the person
Who drives herself away
Out of fear
Of getting too close
And this time
The person I am trying
To set up with someone
Is my crush
Does that make me a good person
For knowing I don't deserve him
And wanting to make him happy
Or does it make me a bad person
For selling myself short
And wanting to make
Knowing she could be me
But not in this lifetime?
You took a shovel and dug out the feelings i had left inside,
You took away my bubble and left an empty pit in it's place.
Am reeling from everything supposed to be there which isn't.
My heart beats yet it's mimicking motions of living.
My chest heaves taking in breaths,
Letting out frustration.
I know I said I let go but guess am a liar.
Or just a fool.
Cause I walked away and expected you to stay.
I turned my back and when you did too the tie between my destiny and yours snapped.
Didn't expect it to hurt as much though.
Like being torpedoed and crushed.
I passed by where we used to hang out,
Got hit in the face by a pair of boobs so big my heart stopped.
Dunno if it's cause I feel i can't compete with that, or maybe am just selfish.
Either way you won.
Couldn't do right by me.
And you got someone you are doing it all for.
The musical screech acts as the pleading prayer I could never quite articulate
the jazz moves around me and through me
I don't understand but I find profound clarity in the minutes that transform into moments
the album bares witness to the realization I never gave voice to
that I've only ever held the illusion of love
the impression of caring
but love isn't found when you're the other woman,
in addicts broken promises of next time or a summer love in the age of innocence before either of us were aware of ourselves or who we needed to become
true love isn't riddled with entitled expectations
it's a gift
when you begin expecting it, feeling ownership to it; over it
that's the same moment you begin to lose it
I believed I'd been neglected; abandoned, God's not given me the love I want
but inherently in the want it was wrong
and in the earnest it was flawed
all my examples are broken
and today I wondered if maybe, just maybe
He gave me so many broken spots so the Love,
both His and the one I await can be a salvation I can't fathom
today He filled all my gaps with the promise this won't last forever
that what awaits is greater
Through tear stained jazz gospels I felt healed
not by the removal of problems or broken pieces, because they will always exist
but by Hope
and by Love in due time.