It was the sort of day
that equates to the last day
December damn it
why is it sixty and humid enough to swim circles through the air?
yet the grey mist suffocates the horizon
and the light mist tastes like a city
the cat standing on driveways of crumbling mansions
running with fur puffed up from wild dogs snarling at choke chain collars
The trees are all hiding their heads in the sand
and each building passed decays in decadence
everybody hungry enough to do something they might regret
men and women taking shelter in zoo enclosures
to avoid the jungle cats which stalk the streets beneath blood red hunters' moons
It was the kind of day to make me want to see the next
Stars are invading my vision and everything is blank. All I see is blinding darkness for the next few hours. When I finally wake, I see myself hanging from my rope attached to my ceiling. I gasp in horror. My throat closes up and my eyes betray me when they allow warm tears to form puddles on my sunken-in cheeks as I watch myself sway in horror. I quickly compose myself and the silence I hear is piercing. I wait. I wait. I wait. In the next two hours, I hear someone enter my house. I freeze. I hear keys jingling and the removal of coats. Next I hear voices. Two separate voices. Two familiar voices. My muscles ease up when I realize the foreign people are simply my parents. I hear stairs creaking. (I always hated those stairs. they reverberated booming creaks while I was trying to quickly maneuver my way up them after a deceitful night of sneaking out to see someone who was my very first heartbreak - but that's a different story.) I hear laughter. I hear happiness. I hear desperate calls for my name. I hear silence. I hear frantic knocking on my door. "Open this door right now young lady! We do not have time for your disobedience at the moment!" The door swings open. Sobs. Screams. My mother falls to the floor. I hear my mother calling out for my father, begging him to somehow comfort her.
My father files in. His mouth opens. Tears escape his eyes. He doesn't bother wiping them. Through his cloudy vision, he spots my note of finals words. He reads the first few sentences. "It was my time to go, I felt it in my bones. This was for the best, for I was only making a mess. I was making a mess of my life. I ruined myself. I had to leave. I am very sorry." He only gets that far until he drops the note and frantically dials 911. "Operator! Operator! I just found my daughter, she, she hung herself!"
"Please be patient sir, we'll have someone there right away." And with that he hangs up. He looks at my fragile mother. Then to me. He eyes me up and down before shouting to no one in particular, "Why?" He loses it and breaks down even more. My mother is still sobbing. Her shoulders are shaking. I ache for her. When I was alive I had not known I could have such an effect on people. I'd always considered myself dead, on the inside that is. Now I really was dead. And there's no going back. As much as I wish I could take it back, I cannot. And for that I apologize. I snap out of my thoughts and bring my vision back to my parents. The ambulance is here. They cover me in a white sheet and take me away. My mother tries to go into the ambulance but the paramedics stop her. They drive off. My mother falls onto the street. My father beside her. They are both apologizing. They are apologizing to me. Saying how they should've been there for me. Saying they should have noticed something and helped me. They are apologizing to each other. A day later, my best friend finds out. She sprints into her room and slams her door. Carefully, she selects a razor from her wooden cabinet in the bathroom and drags it across her wrist. "I'm sorry, I should've known. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she whispers. And with that, she's gone. I have caused all of this. I caused turmoil and pain, I am the reason for my best friend to take her life. I had not known people actually cared about me. I soon realize the severity of my poor judgement. And at that very moment, what was left of my ghostly my soul withered away. I decayed into stardust and floated into space. I am gone.
Niemand weiss wie Andere brauchen,
doch ich weiss ich will etwa rauchen.
and moreover it's done in a vein of humour;
so, I shall do it for you:
I need smoke
No one knows how others need,
but I know I want some to smoke.
Every time you're near me,
I think of all the things we could be.
You hold me close,
And I tingle from my nose to my toes.
Despite all that, I never feel close enough,
So I squeeze you to me, like I'm big and tough.
Being intertwined with you is a feeling like no other,
When I'm with you I can't think, I don't even bother.
When we hold hands, I never want to let go
It seems unreal that you were a stranger not too long ago.
Where we were and where we are has changed so much,
And I feel it in almost every touch.
When your lips touch mine,
A shock runs up my spine...
But I try my damnedest to hide it.
You affect me more than I'd like to admit.
The way you look at me is something I've never witnessed before,
Day by day I realize that it's you I adore.
I wouldn't change a thing about you, not a single thing;
The way you make me feel makes me want to sing.
But in a few months, you'll be leaving me
To be that Navy soldier you've always wanted to be.
I fear that when you leave I'll forget your face,
And that while you're gone, it's me you'll replace.
All these scenarios play out in my head,
They keep me awake at night, sleepless in my bed.
I keep thinking about what would happen if you lost your life while you're gone,
It's not like a video game where you can just respawn.
I may be focusing on the negatives of this,
But what I have with you right now is pure bliss.
I don't know if I could handle losing you so soon,
My heart would pop like the fragilest balloon.
But through it all I must stay strong for you,
Because I know that's what you want me to do.
I'll keep my thoughts to myself, locked in my head
And keep these fears left unsaid.
Maybe someday you'll realize what you mean to me,
And when you do find out, I hope you don't flee.
It's not every day you meet someone as special as you,
My brain and my heart tell me that you're a person so true.
I'm willing to take this journey with you,
Because I know you'd do it for me if I asked you to.
I'll be here for you always, that's for sure
And when you leave, the pain I will endure.
I can honestly say I'm so proud of you,
And I'm sorry if it seems like I withdrew...
But without you, I'd feel so blue...
I'll make the time I still have with you the best I can,
Because you are one of a kind, an amazing man.
Every kiss from now to August will be a magical one,
And I won't let go until the fight is done.
Every time we're together, I'll hold you closer and closer,
And every day I'll strengthen my composure.
So many things I want to learn about you,
My Navy boy in blue...
But all I can do is hope for the best,
Because this will truly put me to the test.
Thank you for being who you are,
You are truly a shining star.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be close to you,
Because I know I don't deserve it like you think I do.
You are such a better person than me inside and out,
And that is something I'll never doubt.
Because like John Green so perfectly wrote,
"If people were rain," I quote
"I am a drizzle, and you are a hurricane."
You are like a cigarette, I can't stop wanting you,
Because every damn thing you do
Makes me shiver, makes me shake...
Sometimes I wonder if I'm even awake.
But let it be known, I care for you more than you'd ever know,
And I refuse to let it show.
Maybe someday we'll be officially together,
The girlfriend of a Navy soldier, one that can brave any weather.
Through thick and thin,
I'll never give in.
Through closeness and distance,
I will show no resistance.
God led me to you for a reason my dear,
So I shall stay with you, with or without my fear.
I cowered in the corner like a malnourished animal,
tucking my tail between my legs while you bared your
teeth. Every rib jutted out, punching holes in the negative
space around me. I couldn't fill the room, could never be
big enough to hurt you back.
I gorged myself on your affection and scarfed down
your lust for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, tried to make
myself large enough to matter. I remained famished,
empty stomach, empty heart, empty bones.
I gargled rubbing alcohol each morning, to sterilize the
taste of your rejection in my throat. I tried brushing my
teeth with bleach to get the stains out. They were lacquered
in all my falsities, the things I pretended to be, the personas
I slipped on each morning, in my bedroom while my mirror
silently watched. I never pretended for you.
I stripped myself down to nothing but honesty in your presence,
and I trembled and you watched me bring the walls down.
You listened to the ground quake and crumble, heard it crack
and shift and did nothing to keep me from splitting down the
center and becoming tectonic, too.
You told me you were sick of the color purple. I was a disease
that stained you like red wine, and you smashed me like a
glass bottle against the bedpost. You tried tossing me out, like
a damp rag with too many black smudges, the kind that's musty
smell never quite fades away, and you folded yourself into the
washing machine and tried to rinse me out.
I was like blood when you washed me. I retreated in the water,
made rusty circles around the drain and fell away, but when the
moon came out to sing you to sleep, I became a glow in the black
light that illuminated all our sins.
You tried to run me over, but I clung to your socks like burrs in
the grass, I soaked your ankles in dew, I drenched you in sweat
and you hated how much you loved the feel of it.
i don’t want to live anymore
or wouldn’t you know
slam on the breaks
and end this show
it’s an ax murder,
a brutal cage fight.
split your knees open and turn out the lights.
for me anyways life is a dream
a haze of responsibilities
and cigarette rage.
suicide more bitter the very next day.
can your lips draw me out from this wintry haze?
sometimes i wonder if i could be saved.
years gone by, the razors kept safe.
burn off my knuckles and keep playing the games~
It has been four days
since we talked.
I do not mean to gawk,
but I have been staring
at this empty screen,
tearing at my thinning hair
with nostrils flaring,
looking for a sign
that this is not
the beginning of yet
another falling out.
We are going through
things to talk about are
few and far between,
and there is a lot of
"I don't understand
what you mean" and
"You're only fifteen,
you wouldn't get it anyways."
You are my dry land
and I am drowning
without your hand
to pull me up to the surface.
I can't pretend
that I am your best friend,
though you are surely mine.
I'd like to know if
you think it is the end
but I am so nervous
that I can't
take my shaking fingers
and ask the question;
I am much too desperate
and the suggestion
that I could be the reason
we don't even chat anymore
lingers like a bad tattoo.
I need to draw the line
between when it's
time to move on
and being perfectly fine.
I know I'm lying to myself
and I know I'll try to mend something
that might be irreparably bent
with only my own desire
and a bit of twine;
because I could never say goodbye.
if there's a chance
you're still mine.