Every time you're near me,
I think of all the things we could be.
You hold me close,
And I tingle from my nose to my toes.
Despite all that, I never feel close enough,
So I squeeze you to me, like I'm big and tough.
Being intertwined with you is a feeling like no other,
When I'm with you I can't think, I don't even bother.
When we hold hands, I never want to let go
It seems unreal that you were a stranger not too long ago.
Where we were and where we are has changed so much,
And I feel it in almost every touch.
When your lips touch mine,
A shock runs up my spine...
But I try my damnedest to hide it.
You affect me more than I'd like to admit.
The way you look at me is something I've never witnessed before,
Day by day I realize that it's you I adore.
I wouldn't change a thing about you, not a single thing;
The way you make me feel makes me want to sing.
But in a few months, you'll be leaving me
To be that Navy soldier you've always wanted to be.
I fear that when you leave I'll forget your face,
And that while you're gone, it's me you'll replace.
All these scenarios play out in my head,
They keep me awake at night, sleepless in my bed.
I keep thinking about what would happen if you lost your life while you're gone,
It's not like a video game where you can just respawn.
I may be focusing on the negatives of this,
But what I have with you right now is pure bliss.
I don't know if I could handle losing you so soon,
My heart would pop like the fragilest balloon.
But through it all I must stay strong for you,
Because I know that's what you want me to do.
I'll keep my thoughts to myself, locked in my head
And keep these fears left unsaid.
Maybe someday you'll realize what you mean to me,
And when you do find out, I hope you don't flee.
It's not every day you meet someone as special as you,
My brain and my heart tell me that you're a person so true.
I'm willing to take this journey with you,
Because I know you'd do it for me if I asked you to.
I'll be here for you always, that's for sure
And when you leave, the pain I will endure.
I can honestly say I'm so proud of you,
And I'm sorry if it seems like I withdrew...
But without you, I'd feel so blue...
I'll make the time I still have with you the best I can,
Because you are one of a kind, an amazing man.
Every kiss from now to August will be a magical one,
And I won't let go until the fight is done.
Every time we're together, I'll hold you closer and closer,
And every day I'll strengthen my composure.
So many things I want to learn about you,
My Navy boy in blue...
But all I can do is hope for the best,
Because this will truly put me to the test.
Thank you for being who you are,
You are truly a shining star.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be close to you,
Because I know I don't deserve it like you think I do.
You are such a better person than me inside and out,
And that is something I'll never doubt.
Because like John Green so perfectly wrote,
"If people were rain," I quote
"I am a drizzle, and you are a hurricane."
You are like a cigarette, I can't stop wanting you,
Because every damn thing you do
Makes me shiver, makes me shake...
Sometimes I wonder if I'm even awake.
But let it be known, I care for you more than you'd ever know,
And I refuse to let it show.
Maybe someday we'll be officially together,
The girlfriend of a Navy soldier, one that can brave any weather.
Through thick and thin,
I'll never give in.
Through closeness and distance,
I will show no resistance.
God led me to you for a reason my dear,
So I shall stay with you, with or without my fear.
I cowered in the corner like a malnourished animal,
tucking my tail between my legs while you bared your
teeth. Every rib jutted out, punching holes in the negative
space around me. I couldn't fill the room, could never be
big enough to hurt you back.
I gorged myself on your affection and scarfed down
your lust for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, tried to make
myself large enough to matter. I remained famished,
empty stomach, empty heart, empty bones.
I gargled rubbing alcohol each morning, to sterilize the
taste of your rejection in my throat. I tried brushing my
teeth with bleach to get the stains out. They were lacquered
in all my falsities, the things I pretended to be, the personas
I slipped on each morning, in my bedroom while my mirror
silently watched. I never pretended for you.
I stripped myself down to nothing but honesty in your presence,
and I trembled and you watched me bring the walls down.
You listened to the ground quake and crumble, heard it crack
and shift and did nothing to keep me from splitting down the
center and becoming tectonic, too.
You told me you were sick of the color purple. I was a disease
that stained you like red wine, and you smashed me like a
glass bottle against the bedpost. You tried tossing me out, like
a damp rag with too many black smudges, the kind that's musty
smell never quite fades away, and you folded yourself into the
washing machine and tried to rinse me out.
I was like blood when you washed me. I retreated in the water,
made rusty circles around the drain and fell away, but when the
moon came out to sing you to sleep, I became a glow in the black
light that illuminated all our sins.
You tried to run me over, but I clung to your socks like burrs in
the grass, I soaked your ankles in dew, I drenched you in sweat
and you hated how much you loved the feel of it.
i don’t want to live anymore
or wouldn’t you know
slam on the breaks
and end this show
it’s an ax murder,
a brutal cage fight.
split your knees open and turn out the lights.
for me anyways life is a dream
a haze of responsibilities
and cigarette rage.
suicide more bitter the very next day.
can your lips draw me out from this wintry haze?
sometimes i wonder if i could be saved.
years gone by, the razors kept safe.
burn off my knuckles and keep playing the games~
It has been four days
since we talked.
I do not mean to gawk,
but I have been staring
at this empty screen,
tearing at my thinning hair
with nostrils flaring,
looking for a sign
that this is not
the beginning of yet
another falling out.
We are going through
things to talk about are
few and far between,
and there is a lot of
"I don't understand
what you mean" and
"You're only fifteen,
you wouldn't get it anyways."
You are my dry land
and I am drowning
without your hand
to pull me up to the surface.
I can't pretend
that I am your best friend,
though you are surely mine.
I'd like to know if
you think it is the end
but I am so nervous
that I can't
take my shaking fingers
and ask the question;
I am much too desperate
and the suggestion
that I could be the reason
we don't even chat anymore
lingers like a bad tattoo.
I need to draw the line
between when it's
time to move on
and being perfectly fine.
I know I'm lying to myself
and I know I'll try to mend something
that might be irreparably bent
with only my own desire
and a bit of twine;
because I could never say goodbye.
if there's a chance
you're still mine.
The slices I stow are on my wrist in a row,
they will turn to quiet grieving scars,
even if my heart is crying out for help.
No one can hear me, no one would care.
No one would ask me, no one would dare.
Coming off as a tough girl, they are deceived.
I am really just scared, but I am care free.
I fret the day I face my fears because it is a mystery.
You shall fret too, because one day there will be a note to read,
that thanks my friends and family,
I’ll apologize for my being and again I will thank you all so much.
At the end of the day, I’ll be dead from pills, drugs, and such.
Many will realize that this happy girl was sad,
Now they might feel like this was all of there bad.
I lied to everyone, saying “I’m fine.”
So it’s my bad, I had crossed the line.
Don’t care, don’t mourn for it was a mistake that I was even born.
You soon will find my used utensils, such as my scissors, bands, and razorblades.
Take good care they were my treasure.
The death I chose was a mix of two.
The pills are on the dresser, and the razor is in my hand.
Please forgive me, I just wanted to be free! Is that a lot for my family and friends to see? Disappointment is probably on your mind,
I know how one could get confused,
when their daughter says she’s fine.
When I am purging for perfection, hoping I’ll soon die.
Hugging that cold porcelain, puking up my problems.
I step onto the scale, and I cry at what I see, For I have an addiction, that is slowly killing me.
My friends would try to help, but I told them I didn’t need it.
I kept things to myself, so I wouldn’t cry for help.
Help was never given, because I would sit and sin in silence,
People thought I was “fake” for the way I was feeling,
That’s where they were wrong, they thought I wouldn’t do it, well look now.
I’m dead, and my life ended with Suicide.
If I could honestly speak to him now
If he was here drinking a cup of coffee
In a cold French morning
I would be staring at his hands
Partially to avoid eye contact
Partially because I love those damn hands
I would speak about him in third person
And say :
Not a single compliment?
He was actually mean
In a sweet way - does it make any sense? -
I'm confused too
In fact, nobody has ever made me this confused before
Wasn't I pretty enough, smart enough?
Wasn't I pretty at all?
He never complimented me
But i fell for him
Maybe because he made me feel less lonely
In a very lonely January night
Or was it because he said good night,while i said good morning?
The same way I said goodbye to the one I loved
And was prepared to greet someone new
And God knows how much I wanted him
To be that new person
And I kept greeting him
But he wouldn't respond
I guess I should thank him
For making me discover
The taste of loving , without being loved back
It's bitter, if you ask me
Bittersweet if you're a bit of a masochist
He said stuff, sometimes
Little words that made me smile
But why did he have to take them back so quickly?
He even mentioned a girl once
Right after i told him he broke my heart
And I hated her, for existing, and for not loving him
And for having bigger boobs than mine
If i could honestly speak to him now
If he was here drinking a cup of tea
In a warm Moroccan morning
I would be staring at his hands
Partially to hide the sadness in my eyes
Partially because I love those damn hands
I would speak directly to him
And say :
Maybe you liked me
Maybe you liked me not
But you haven't allowed me to love you
You got me all confused
And I enjoyed it for a while
But I got all mad at you
For I couldn't keep myself from caring
And in case you haven't noticed
I really craved mornings spent with you
But you couldn't care less
So when an old friend offered to love me again
I just couldn't say no
And in case you pushed me away
Only because you felt insecure
I hope you learn from this
And let people love you
Because you my friend
I told you that once , right?
I said : You are wonderful
And you thought I was on drugs
I don't need to be on drugs to like you
That's the point.