i'm more of the
jackie kennedy
in this affair.

i could never do
what marilyn does
for you.

I've been slapped, hit, and kicked by life
Several times over
Until I kneeled in surrender
Exhausted, defeated, empty

I don't even recognize myself anymore
Bruised and battered, Sore and bleeding
In pain, in so much pain...
the depths of which I cannot comprehend anymore

You tell me I must stand on my own
That I should fight back
That I can walk away
If only I wanted to

I do, I really do want to be free of this hell I'm in
It's just that...It's been like this for as long as I could remember
I am frightened that I may not know how
I am terrified to fail, and suffer the repercussions

I look in the mirror and see
Haunted, sad eyes, filled with the past
Never hoping for a better tomorrow
A prisoner in my own skin

I have nothing to offer you, no promises to be made
This is me...imperfect, damaged, maybe beyond redemption
But please don't give up on me, please be patient with me
You're my little piece of perfect in my messy life

I pray for strength, I pray for courage
I pray to God to make all the pain go away
But I think, that I may be able to endure
As long as I have you with me.

I can't imagine a life without you

No one to comfort me
When I am weak,
No one to share the joy
When I do something dumb,
No one to tell me "Get well soon"
The same way you'd tell me,
No one to share secrets with
When they're dying to be let out,
No one to call me late at night
When everyone is sleeping but I'm afraid,
No one to crack lame jokes,
No one to say "I'm speshul" all the time and just
Laugh
Endlessly
Even though we might have just
Cried

I can't imagine a life without you

I've never laughed so much in my life
I've never felt so
Reassured
That someone
Understands
And
Looks out for me,
Worries for me if I
Die;
I've never felt so
Appreciated
Receiving all the
Beautiful cards and
Fanciful handicrafts
All made lovingly by
Your perfect hands;
I've never felt so
Comforted
To know that
You won't
Ever
Break your promise

I can't imagine a life without you

All the time we spent together
Fated or
Not so fated,
I was overjoyed to think
I knew someone in SAP!
All the time we talked to each other,
Told each other
Funny stories or
Sad stories or
Real-life stories that made us sad
And then the other party would
Somehow,
Always,
Magically relate
And try to help;
Might take a while
But it always
Makes me smile.
All the time we'd laugh that slow laugh
And no one would understand us
And we'd just
Laugh even more:
Heh...heh...Hahahahaha...

I can't imagine a life without you

The first day of school
Not meeting you
And there'd be no one to
Talk about having "the mood"
And there'd be no one to
Laugh about having a lao gong;
And there'd be no one to
Talk me out of dying or
Telling me
Time after time to
Appreciate my life or
Just be random with and
Cheer up :)

I can't imagine a life without you

Not you
And you
And you
And you

Just one gone
It means so much
Each one gave my life
Her special touch

So don't you ever
Try to leave
My heart would stop
And I won't breathe
I'd die right there
I'd die right then
It's not the same without you
Not ever again

This is the Wednesday's one am.

A song I don't know and eyes I
have yet to look into.

Even now, as we lie here, heartbeats like a metronome for the coming storm, I write songs in my head for you. And though my voice will never sing them, they are the soundtrack of your kiss. Each record scratch on my heart like a pressed vinyl love letter. Shaping my sinking chest into drum skins that my pulse beats against.

If I were covered in magic dust, you would be my happy thought. And all my childish notions of what it means to be romantic would be written down the sides of Chianti bottles in melted wax, like an oak. And in that bottle we would keep our hungry mouths.

And still I find my heart adrift. Ripped sails and ropes leading skyward like veins. Split and tattered and stitched haphazardly together, waiting for the lightning to strike twice and bring it to life. My throat a bricked flue, leading to an open mouth, spitting smoke from the torches my heart fears but always seems to carry.

And I stretch my spine skyward. Trying to wedge my head back into the clouds but manage only to cast the shadow of an orchid that has begun to lose its color and wilt at the edges of its wingspan. Coming to terms with the idea that it may never be picked. Not even its petals, even numbered like a deck stacked against it that it might lose in a game of being loved and loved not.

We want for a little more time. Arm wrestling clock hands into submission with god like fury. Ticking tongues to dampen the prophecy of false mediums. We practice fighting so we may fight for each other. Fight for the greener grass on the other side of the pavement walls we draw our chalk hearts on.

The clock tower is a lighthouse. The lighthouse is a windmill. The windmill is a giant. The stories never end.

Even now as we lie here, heartbeats like a metronome for the coming storm, I write bed time stories in my head for you.

To the dock at midnight,
solitary moonlight path upon the bay,
to worship, to tread, star touching, that being
The plan.

Disrobed, it seemed apropos,
Totally out of character, ashamed,
Pressed my body into the black sky suede,
Words, of my issue, but not my styling,
Broke apart, watched each letter uprising.

Stars and moon conference-called,
Their judgement:
Coat the boy's words with the fragrance of
humility,
We are not super-centric, sun-greedy,
We are easy satisfied,
A simple haiku will suffice.

Five seven five once.
Fragility, Frailty.
Do it well, our son.

1:10 AM Monday Morning