the moon hangs over my head
illuminating all of the black clouds
that are forever looming above me
and I wish that for one night
I could sleep easy
without the nightmares of you
laying down my fragile bones
and wrapping my mind in daisy chains
I hope that maybe this will purify my mind
and so I whispered upon the brightest stars
that I could forget you forever and always
and with that I bid the moon goodnight, hoping to sleep easy
My bare feet touch every dampened board
as I walk along the sand-dusted pier.
Seagulls cry softly in the background
as salt coats my skin.
A shadow dashes by muttering
angrily. I follow and his pace quickens
faster and faster until we are running.
The waves grow taller the further we run
until we reach the pier’s end.
The man stops and turns toward me. He grips the railing.
His mouth opens to speak, but the swell breaks.
I find myself back on the beach watching
the waves drift in and out, eating away
at the land. Yet nothing changes.
As the violins begin to play once more, silence fills the air. The doors are locked and no one is home. I can't relax or sleep.
You're coming back and I never wanted it. Perhaps, in retrospect, I shouldn't have met you.
Demons claw at my brain as the clocks tick slowly. my fingers drum the nightstand. There is no one awake to see the mental breakdown happening in the childish yellow room. The sand that left the top of the hourglass... I can never get that back. I wasted time on you. Wasted love on you. And for what? You to trick me and play with my mind and how horrible I was? I knew this.
You told me everything about you
Didn't miss a single detail
Except just a few you never mentioned
Like how wasted people's time
And how you were fake
But you told me your secrets
Who you loved, what's in your life
the marks on your arms, how unstable you were
E v e r y t h i n g
But there's a lesson
That you should learn
Don't trust people
I never can or will
Don't put things in my mind
I couldn't handle them
Even if they were secrets
You trusted the broken mess that couldn't be cleaned up
Your lips taunt me with words that scream of regret. My dreams get worse and worse every single night. I wake up exhausted and scared because of what I told you too. I long for that feelings to forget emotions. You ruined me.
But some days, I do miss you.
But now, the ghost cannot feel what you have done to her. The violin starts playing again.
And then, we start buying the coffins.
I'm working I tell my mom
staying up late at night as she thinks I'm doing homework
while I actually waste time on youtube and 9gag.com
search cultures, and histories, and groups
wanting to belong
and be a part of
a community, a group, find myself
and then I feel so selfish sitting in my room starting to pity those who don't have food
when the pity turns on my for having no sense of culture nor community
I go to school everyday wanting to learn about everything that I don't hear
about space and stars, histories, wars, and of people who belonged with friends in proximity
I can't work, I try to but I can't
I search up how to look more pretty and attract my crush
and then how we shouldn't care about looks from someone who loves to rant
I listen to punk rock, ska punk, celtic punk, and rock because I can't work
I play my trombone because I can't work but I can do music homework
I read books about history and stars because I can't work but I can learn
You can't go anywhere without good grades they say
so if only i was marked on things I wanted to learn
things I wanted to present for things I wanted to earn
I'm only 15 and don't know where this is going
and now I'm resisting the temptation to erase this whole non-poem that I'm to and froing
with info about my life that only I care about
while I procrastinate like most kids do my age
when I hear my mom shout
telling me to not stay up too late and that she's proud of me working
when I'm actually wasting my time and her dreams
so I'll get back to my can't working
ending this not-a-poem with something it's not doing- flowing
she's sick of being made to feel
like a worthless
piece of shit
like she's not ever
good enough for anyone
or anything for that matter
of her parents
trying to take away
everything that she loves
of never being the best friend
of never helping enough
of never being worth it
of being average
even the one thing she thought she was good at
of her "best friend"
taking everything away from her
to leave her broken and crying
of the one person she trusted
backstabbing her, not letting her forget
seeing her as something she tried to hard to leave behind
she doesn't want
to cry herself to sleep
she doesn't want
to remember anything she did wrong
in those late hours before dawn
she can't put up with this
wet her quill
and in that neat handwriting
the teachers always admired
she'll write the following:
"I'm sorry for being a burden"
and as her tears
down her face
and her hand shakes
she'll fold it up
in that neat fashion
she'll carefully tuck it into
her top drawer
and she'll climb
the stairway to hell
it’s 2 am
we’re sitting in your car, squeezing in the front seat.
you’re holding me in your big arms
you look at me, wild eyed and restless and whisper,
“i love you. and i don’t want to lose you.”
so i looked away and fought back my tears
i held your hand, but then quickly let go.
“but you don’t intend on keeping me either. do you?”
and to that you had no response
so we continued to lay there in silence
because i know you don’t love me.
or maybe you do, and maybe it’s just in a way that i don’t understand.
we always hurt the ones that we love
so maybe you just love me too much.
i can’t wake up in the morning without you on my mind.
it troubles me to think that we might not be meant for each other.
or this entire time you are just a dream.
if you are, how could my mind ever create a creature so beautiful?
a human so perfect.
you come to me with every imbalanced emotion
but i know if i ever show up at your door,
wild eyed and restless,
you will not show me sympathy or let me in.
you will tell me to go home.