It is horrible, to have such precious moments
and then return to the nothingness
(I rather do not return to the shore of tsunami's and
people screaming and black waves consuming me,)
( I'm afraid, I'm afraid)
To feel so much happiness all at once-
leaving absolutely nothing behind
(I rather do not feel that empty, a blank mind and hollow eyes,
sharp razor drawing lines on a pale skin,)
(I'm afraid, I'm afraid)
I went from being at a terrible place,
to being in your arms
It has been the happiest and most warm I've felt in months
and for once, I can say
I found someone who makes me happy
You make me happy
and that, makes me terribly afraid.
Somedays I feel free of you.
Going almost full weeks without thinking of you.
Somedays I know I'm better off.
That you weren't who I thought you were.
Somedays I feel angry at memories of you.
Hating what I went through.
Somedays I almost convince myself that I hate you.
You entered my life out of nowhere and disappeared just as effortlessly.
Somedays I'm bitter because you never really cared.
Wounded over the fact that you didn't seem to want me back.
Somedays I feel sick thinking about how I was so easily broken by you.
I don't remember ever hurting like that any other time in my life.
But there are days like today.
Days I regret because they show how crippled I still am by you.
Days like today when I almost burst into tears because I miss you.
At least this insane idea of you and how I used to feel.
But everyday I think of you,
I remind myself that I shouldn't care at all, you didn't.
Everyday its the people like you from my past,
That make me refuse to settle for those that don't give a damn.
And I wont waste more than I need to, especially on people like you,
I have to be worth more than that.
At least I hope I deserve more.
(Please Read the note at the bottom)
Desert thy land, lay waste to haven
Spread thy sorrow, hath not to save him
Keep to willow with sunlight pourn
To mild temptation, mild scorn.
Keep she beauty to dusk by horse
Laying down to things by force
Stragling victor selfless mind
Keep to you hath truth hath lied.
By crowd by storm, stream agony pride
Thy land be beut for non to side
To side with hatred, iron blade
To mate and bring yet nothing fade.
She whispers deadly night to dark
Seeping mind of man to spark
Keeping kings and fellow courtly
Stranger too by fire nightly.
And taketh she to highest land
For mighty justice lays thy hand
For she hath strewn for kingdoms come
And taketh non, but frighten some.
The day of dawn, sun rise, sun set
To we thine preach to no regret
King be praised, devil blundered
Simple tricks to thy hath sundered.
Keep to crop to peasant prowl
Marking down thy land to dowl
Father pray to thine above
Graceful metaphoric love.
Final night be cold and dreary
Sight like eagle, keep to query
Dance thy drunkard, feed to Summer
Hapless end to what doth shown her.
Guarded I am now for there is an empty presence surrounding me
It whispers in my ear. Grabs the memories and scatters them all around.
Hours it wasn't before this presence manifested before me.
It walks towards me with a smile, with open arms, with a nudge
Only to dissipate, leaving a sadness to cover me as it's residue
Leaving me to head to the restroom
To get in a stall
To close my eyes and cry
Sometimes when the ones we love leave, a part of them stays to remind us
To torture us
To love us
To make their memory survive but do they know how much it hurts to know that
the Presence will always remain but never the real person?
I have had it all wrong,
I wonder if my grandfather
thought that, when on a steamer
he arrived a dreamer
of moving west from Montreal
single trying to find a life, better,
opened and tasted peanut butter,
and never did ever eat that again,
I have had it wrong, all of it
He kept dreaming and trying,
took the train to the northern Alberta,
saw his dreams take shape as he built
homes for other dreamers,
he met his wife, but that is a poem for another story,
he was a pacifist, he did not support, killing another,
but he sure had a temper,
for a peaceful man, he decided to retire, and that
let him get old, I admired him for what he stood for and sit at
a desk he built with my dad.
I still have had it all wrong.
The desk is nothing special
other than the hands and
knowledge that built it
and something a father and a son
did together, one of the last things
of each other, that
would be remembered, they worked well with their hands.
Both men were dreamers.
My dad had his dreams, he mostly kept to himself,
but you just knew that they were to do with
things outside of the house.
Oh don't misunderstand, he loved working with wood,
he knew firearms, he recieved a Medal for Military Merit,
for dedication above and beyond what a militiaman was
to do, he wasn't a pacifist, in many ways he was different
from his dad and so many more he was exactly the same.
Shame, I have had it all wrong.
I was not an A student, but Gee, I tried hard,
my potential was palpable we just needed to resuscitate it from time to time,
I joined the CAF, married and had three who have amazed me,
with their strong beliefs, so different from one another, see?
I have worked twenty jobs and not one among them defined as a career...
oh and yes, I have spent time in an unemployment line.
I am not a carpenter, like the other two could, my grandfather as a career
my dad took it on as a hobby, I am a pacifist, yes, but don't push to hard,
I might write you into a poem...
I have written so many serious and sombre pieces,
There is already so much sadness in the world,
If planet Earth could cry a tear, standby with the tissue,
I deal with my stuff in words, I try not to hang onto them,
Rather free them like birds, Ravens and Crows with Hummingbirds and Eagles,
My soul is sore and
Animus would rather soar,
so I pour the toxins from my mind, my skin, from my day
you already know I am not perfect I sin, from my way of life,
so I pour the garbage I live and beauty as I see
it is around me for you all to read, shame on me
I have had it all wrong.
I don't have to get it right, I must write.
I like cemetery's
they're my second home
the dead tell me secrets
that no one else knows
they explain why they're sorry too
they had already died inside
I like freezing
it numbs all the pain
that courses through my veins
Kill me love,
and do it now
I'm sorry I can't tell you why
but I sure can tell you how
I'm sorry it will end like this
no last kiss
no eternal bliss
but that doesn't exist anyway
princess' are stories
told to children to keep them okay
It's all just one big lie anyway.
So I'll close my eyes
and count to ten
and wait till the blackness
enters my skin.
In a hospital with glass walls they can't hide their problems
as the newborn screams and the cancer depletes
the cycle of life is witnessed like a dream
vivid in this reality the harshness of their insanity,
purely demographically calculating each catastrophe
Anxiety and depression, broken bones and unlearned lessons,
overflowing pediatric wings and incomprehensible fallacies
how many angels have to fall before they finally change something?
the way it is just isn't working
genetically modifying the health and well being of humanity
is devil-like control that we've given out freely
each one of us is just as guilty
of giving in without even thinking
they've designed it not only to be easy,
but required, legally
prepared for the community
to not take it so peacefully
"You can't make me" becomes a felony
and a ticket can be written for anything
don't get caught with your hands in your pockets day dreaming...
you silly dreamer human being
theres laws against speaking free, although the constitution disagrees
the law wasn't given it's own set of wings
and jealous was he so he created a scene
and made it seem like a city was their dream
when it never really came close to being
handing out medications and monthly vaccines
instead of homegrown natural remedies