It's eating my insides again
and throwing up all the 'happy' pills
it's reaching out of my chest and grabbing my throat
It's closing my eye lids
and speaking the excuse of "I'm tired"
It's the mere aggravation of boredom
it's stupid poems replacing razors
It's believing no body cares
it's asking for help but refusing to take it
it's taking up so much of my mind that I don't know how to end this
Hurt me and it doesn't feel
Lie to me and it doesn't matter
Shout at me and I won't mind
Kill me and I won't care
Not because I'm numb
Of being ungrateful
For the breath
I just took.
i want to drive with you one more time, over the lines we've traced across these states, to retrace our steps, to relive it all one more time, to look for clues. to figure out what happened. we'll go up the elevators to the top of our glistening city, down escalators to the tunnels stretching below. i'll go with you to all the beaches we've laid on, slept on, kissed on and explored. everywhere i brushed hair out of your eyes, everywhere you bit my nose, everywhere we twisted our fingers into knots. we can go to every arcade, and amusement park, where i'll remember in detail every step we took (i'm crying now) and every time you said you were afraid to ride a roller coaster and every time i stayed with you. i'll go with you to the dirt roads where our love nearly flourished, where we almost searched for UFOS, where i road my bike through fireflies and told everyone it was almost like flying through stars. i'll trace it all back to the computer screens it all started on, into every comment thread of every picture, back to the first time you ever said "hi" to me on facebook chat. maybe we can walk up and down the willows a thousand more times, through every little tiny hole-in-the-wall to every table we sat at, to look for clues. to every mall, every food court, (you know i always leave stuff under tables,) to every store and smoothie stand. we'll go to the apple store and best buy. to every parking lot we sat and ate in, or sat and talked in, or just sat in. to the sweaty suburban streets we walked on all summer to get downtown from your house. we'll trace back to every bed/tent/sleeping bag/couch/floor/air mattress we've ever shared and look through the covers. every where we've kissed, everywhere we've been.
maybe we can't go back, but i'll tell myself over and over that something transcends all of this. i just haven't found it yet. maybe its love, but thats a bit cliche. i think its your perfume
i just really want to go back with you one more time to retrace our steps, maybe smell your perfume again
I’ve always been close with the snow,
since your funeral that one January.
I hadn’t really thought about why,
until I went to visit that place where
we scattered your ashes into the winds
of that blizzard in the dead of winter.
Your mother had said that the snowstorm
was the best time to let you go,
since you had always wanted to fly away.
I didn’t realize at the time I released
a fistful of your remains,
just how familiar the icy flakes felt against me.
The thing about the snow,
is that if you stand in it long enough,
you become so numb that it hurts.
You can’t feel your senses, only the winter’s cold.
And that’s as close as I’ve ever come to
explaining what it’s like being without you.
© J.E. DuPont
So much happening
you look to the sky,
the wind blows
you float up high.
you think you'll die,
for only a second
but then you realize,
not a moment passes
that struck you with fear.
opening up your mind,
to new ideas,
And when the moments right
you'll begin to fall
with one tumbling motion
and no remorse at all.
The ground will shake ,
and the wind shall blow,
but all that matters,
is at least you know
That sometimes you'll hit an all time low,
But it only leads you to where you need to go.
A festive time
the light shall return
The Winter Solstice
is upon us
who always goes
left instead of right
May joy and happiness
as the light
May the gentle
touch of Eirene
live within your soul
that has taken its toll
Not only for today
but for all the
days that follow
Happy Holidays everyone
May this 1st day of Winter
find you wrapped
on the outside
While you are
toasting and celebrating life
There is no more straddling state lines for you.
You are no longer teetering on the edge of
life and death
because you are now deader than my father’s
dead bell heart. You are laying in a morgue and
I am sitting on a train, miles and miles from you. An
early bloomer, a preemie baby boy, you are
one day too soon.
I am watching the trees of Arkansas of Missouri of Illinois
pass me by, but you are being
through the stars.
(I am trying to imagine what it must feel like to
explode into a supernova, to
implode into a constellation.
I am trying to contemplate what it means to
i n f i n i t y
n i h i l i t y
at the same time.)
Careening headfirst towards the midwest, I
am heading towards a home I no longer wish to go. I have
spent my night in a daze between
asleep and awake,
listening to a man snore and a baby cry, and nothing is stopping
me from thinking about the steps in post-mortem care. I have
seen dead bodies before. I have touched dead bodies before.
I do not want to come in contact with yours.
My problem is not that you finally finished your
transition from boy to skeleton,
my problem is that you did so without
asking your mother’s permission. I read the
Book of James the night before your surgery two years ago
and forgot it the very next day. There is nothing I want more
than to swim laps and crochet scarves and write bad poems and
become void of all the information that I currently hold.
I want to forget that I knew you.
I want to forget that I thought I loved you.
I want to forget my attachment to you so it won’t
hurt as bad now that you’re
( d e a d ) .