I read eulogies from time to time
to pass the time, I find in some rejected newspaper.
The language is foreign, for I am
alive and in two hundred or so words I am to know,
who this person was and that
they were loved or respected or validated in two
dimensions plus words and a
picture, when not so long ago they were three
dimensions that filled voids in
other peoples lives, striving to make the world
around them a better place,
battled hard in a war, and fell its only victim.
Swallow the bitter pill,
there ain't no better place,
than where you are right
now, with words written
as plain as the pain on
your face, so listen and
I will try to take you to
a better place maybe I
will transport you to
a euphoric utopia but
that will take opiates,
for my words will just
make you dizzy, Gillespie,
get off that computer and
go to bed, and then you
will dream dreams of us
meeting instead, where I
will be humble and you
will be dapper unless you
are a girl then you will
be "a beautiful rendition of the Mona Lisa"
pray what is behind that
smile and how do your
whites stay so pearly and
your hair, so light and curly,
like the clouds over head,
with a background of blue
sky that holds that daystar,
and reflects off the water in
the duck pond and blinds
my eyes and makes the tear
oft fall, salty on my sleeve,
as I hold one up to wipe
a tear, I feel your hanky
brush my eye lash and I blush with unabashed charm,
but if we were manly men
walking under the trees,
along a pathway of asphalt,
walking sticks pressed into palms
of hands, not those topical trees,
along side us grass, dotted with Canada geese,
oh do watch your step dear
boy, or you might grease your
soul, which would be a helluva
a way to let this perfect day
slip away and take us from
this better place.
It matters not who I am with, for when I am with you, whom ever you are,
I am away from here, therefore found in a better place.
December comes around again, the snow blankets the earth in a heavenly glow.
Each day seems to get colder, and I would be so much warmer if you were still here.
There’s a familiar loneliness that comes with the season,
I always seem to forget until it’s finally here.
I’m left to resort to whiskey are cigarettes for warmth,
since you went away.
I just cant hold it in anymore. I dont know what to do. These feelings are getting in the way of everything. The feeling of pain, shame, hurt, sadness, heartbreak and so much more. I cant get anything done with them in my way. The voices in my head tell me to only focus on those feelings. Its hard to live a happy life when youre not happy... Life is hard for a self harmer.. People look at you differently. They look at you as if you are not human. They treat you diffirently. Some treat you with more respect and others just hurt you with words. Little do they know that hurting me is not going to het them anywhere. The only thing they can get out of that is my death. I dont know how to deal with this anymore. I push all the help i get away. I only do this because i dont want anyone else to get hurt. I will always put everyone before myself. The reason for that is because i dont want anyone to be as unhappy as i am. I know how that feels and i dont want anyone to go through that pain im going through. My friends try to make me happy and i would force a smile and a laugh. What do they want me to do? Just be happy. Well thats not going to happen... Happiness doesnt just come, you have to work for it. I wish i could please everyone... Sadly no one can...
Is there anyone out there who can accept me for me. The crazy girl who just needs some love...
never seen, faded
yet always bright in your eyes
shadows upon tasteless tongues
burning with desire
each sense bursting with light
clouded eyes that dare not wake
wondering at the sights their vision
will not bestow upon them
blinded and all seeing
your wisdom falls upon me
as if your essence were showers of rain
that sooth my uneasy breath
and cool the anxiety beneath my breast
but your eyes glow; ready to devour me
your lips curve at my desire
your teeth, sharp as shards of glass
tear at the ambition of my stoic heart
swallow the blood and take it
for within me it can only cause harm
maybe if it lies within your purity
it will soak in your water
that i may drink from this fountain
and taste the love that is sprung there
and forever live in the passion of your being
i'll give you seashells
and independent city-states,
each sovereign in its adoration
of your crown.
your soul is planetary and i
would love to be your satellite,
my mass exerting subtle influence,
shifting oceans into rhythm with your breaths.
when i think of you, my throat
fills with weeds and invasive species,
and dandelions forge their homes
between my ribs.
i forget how to tie my shoelaces,
and my heart escapes, exploring
the world in a little wooden fishing boat.
it sends me postcards from rome
of monuments they've erected in your honor
in the pantheon of flowers.
oh princen of my heart,
the kingdom of the insects
is small and has a bad economy
but it is yours to rule.
i love you.
i love you.
Sitting here, wishing to be that little girl again, everything is new, a dream, no pain.
Watching the clouds go by in a field of flowers, smelling the sweetness, not the cold rain.
My eyes follow a butterfly going about her simple way,
Hoping she'll come closer, sit by me or near and stay.
Wanting so much to beable to touch her gentle wing,
To listen to her secrets and akso to hear her sing.
Dreamer that I was knowing so little about lifes cost,
That little girl is here again, she was just a little lost.
I grew up fast with so much hurt and anger, I almost made her dissappear,
I let her go into hiding, not letting her out because of all the fear.
I want her to come out and see the light, play a little, even make things up, even pretend,
Tell her I am now stronger, no need to hide yourself, dream all you like, come and we will mend.
I keep writing you into manuscripts that I'm never going to publish
as if I could ever find a way to keep you,
immortalize you into something worth loving completely
I am never 100%
anxiety puts me on the edge and depression throws my body off it
so how could I ever find a way to keep you here?
When I can't even write you down as one person
my characters are full of your traits
he has your brown eyes which I never liked until I looked into yours
she has your intelligence, your Gemini know-it-all but still love you trait
there is a piece of you in every person I write,
in every person I see,
I guess that's how I can keep you here
Because you never really leave.