You fill my head with memories,
my head is filled with lost time.
You filled my life with words,
but maybe you were never mine.
I wonder what you're doing,
I wonder where you are.
I hope that you find happiness,
because I think you stayed a liar.
I obsessed over you,
and I still see my habits.
As time slips on,
I try not to take time for granted.
I wanted something more with you,
but you couldn't fit me in.
I thought something different,
and I am still unsure how to begin.
I hope to move forward,
time heals all wounds.
I hope that time is good to you,
I know it has been to me.
I wake up now,
with more choices,
I am finally free.
I became the bottom of a shoe. Worthless, unwarranted, but there, needed.
Rubber and worn, worn away to the thinnest part, and still used.
Hands became words, and hugs became extinct, tears became invisible, the 'childhood' was erased.
Diabetes became my mother, known as rejection, and depression, her twin, known as rage.
Insulin and Fluoxetine became my equally demanding toddlers; I was feeding a family of 6 at the age of 8.
I watched my brother become a tortured child, in his sleep - the sound of his waterproof sheets would keep me awake, as i lay worried that his screams were words he could not utter at his age.
I watched my sister grow cold as she watch her house burning down around her, and crying tears at the loss of her childhood, her eyes burned at me.
As i looked in the mirror, when i cried, i would flush the toilet just to hear what it feels like to be washed away.
Disappeared down the drain.
I shrunk 4 inches in 4 years, one inch for each bottle of poison, that said 'drink me'.
I shrunk 4 inches in another 4 years for every word that said 'eat me'.
I shrunk so that I could not grow, up.
I became broken, hard to 'fix'.
I became lost, without a cause.
I became the rebel, odd-one-out.
Family grew fractured, broken mirrors lay on all our floors, that we skirted around, lest we should bled it all out, what had happened.
Relationships broke, one after another, after, another, after, another, after....
Faces lost feeling, words became laws, feelings became problems, love became, raw and unused.
We dissipated, dissolved, into a million pieces of broken, into the world, held together by very thin words of 'family'
I am not a child anymore.
It's time to be heard.
I always loved you --
wanted you close,
to breathe you in,
I wanted you between
the tips of my fingers,
you and me alone
on cold nights,
on the balcony.
I wanted to hold you,
I wanted to taste you
on my lips.
but all you could give me
was a distant smile;
all I got was the sound
of your laugh
from across crowded rooms,
a whiff of your perfume
as you walked on by.
you were second-hand smoke,
and it was never enough,
never satisfying, and
Sleep deprivation, watching the
Hair on my arm as it transforms, as
It begins to dance down to my hand,
I think I'm losing it, these shadows
Do not feel like my friends.
They seem more like demons here to
Torture what's already damned,
To devour what's already dead, to
Claim the souls of those who've given
Up, just like they did. Someone --
My eyes are heavy, tired and red--
Hearing my name being called again,
Please tell me this is all in my head.
Listening for shoes against the hardwood
Floors, hearing footsteps-- please
Tell me I'm having another bad dream
Clenching my fists, nails cutting into
My hands-- breaking skin,
Until I finally cave in, grabbing my
Shoelace and a loaded syringe.
Hoping my demons will return to
The place I must sleep to revisit.
Pushing the plunger in, I inject
Myself with more poisonous relief
And the shadows begin to fade away,
Back to the dreams I've been avoiding.
But what happens if one day,
These nightmares decide they'd rather
Stay, unable to be injected away?
Shadows are not my friends, they're
Unmistakably the enemy, here to
Devour me // to seize my sanity.
Nakedness and manifestations of the white noise mind traffic,
I watch the world turn before the fabricated glory of torches without flames and chariots without horses,
All saturated with the molecular movements of the air made with melodies not played for You,
This is the concrete sea of gasoline’s grace of novelties I once spoke of when I was a prince of sleepless men and my heart was determined to germinate the seeds of wicked kings,
Now with a crown cast down and cracked,
I am a dystopian eclipsing a dying sun to cast shadows on sleeping silent sinking houses,
As I watch them go down to where I've made my bed before,
I recall how they make me turn in my sleep before You,
Keeping keys deep below bowing floorboards whining with the weight of weeping willows grown by ghosts of a life once sewn and patched by my pity of distorted desperation,
My fingers keep my dreams from unraveling,
Locking them up tight tonight by hiding my face from it all,
Closing my eyes with my palms,
My lamps are bathed in blackness,
Darkness covers darkness,
And then I feel your hands lower the veil,
I see holes made by instruments of death forged in time,
Scarring You in a place that Kronos nor Thanatos cannot consider to tread,
I put my fingers through them,
I remember now that you paint such beautiful pictures,
Color me with your dreams now,
Your pigments have been poured out,
A gift was given to the dust,
Now I live to give it back to you,
And the haunted fluorescence of Babylon grow dim before your face,
The orchestral cries of mans machines grow silent,
Deep touches deep,
Sharing the oceans between us,
A love infinite consumes me
Through the bars I could make out your face
and I began pacing where I'd once lay
Chasing you endlessly in my dreams
No longer able to fall asleep
Out in the yard
I'd trail behind
As we walked the dirt paths carved out in time
and although I was trapped
I didn't mind
As long as I had you in my sight
I imagined us digging our way to freedom
The rain kissing our flesh like it does in film
I could envision us rejoicing and retreating together
Where we could forget the trails we've faced and weathered
It was a summer day in the midst of winter
It was hope found in hopelessness
We could entangle and enrapture eachother
Our tale a constellation told amongst other star gazers
We'd inspire them all to revolt
they'd sing our song while mapping everything out
You've made me believe our time here could be worth something
and a believer I was not
The vibrating feeling you get when in a trance of contentment, where nothing contaminates your brain, with false allusions of what to be. You hold selflessness within your heart and soul, where debility is non-existing, just sitting out of the ring. Where the roots of bitterness are snipped, because the branches were begging for mercy as to they were betrayed. You smile towards the sun waiting for infinity, and a gasp from reality. The meaning of life lies between your eyes, maybe you see it as a disguise for self contentment, but just accept that it’s happening, and you shall be happy .From the beginning of time to the gates of hell, this is where we all dwell.