From out of the smoke we will rise
The weight of these chains we will break
From his face we will rip the deceitful guise
The spirit of our brothers and sisters we will wake
My blood flows free yet I do not weaken
My feet clothed in blisters yet I feel no pain
For my children’s lives I will not bargain
Though my anger burns my calm will remain
From beneath his foot our people we will remove
The hate he has implanted we will unbind with fire
The lies he feeds the blind we will disprove
We will watch him drown in desperation’s mire
With only a stance we will shake every plain
With only a look we shine with the force of the sun
My feet clothed in blisters yet I feel no pain
My blood flowing free yet I will not weaken
Make something stupid
bad, wrong, disrespectful
Something to hurt me
I am consumed by anger
But I got manners
I come from the worst type of polite family
The kind that cares too much
about others, others
that we don’t care about
We are highly
We keep anger locked and silent
Allow me to give anger some reason of being
Then we can exchange roles
Anger takes control
and I can finally explode
to be angry
Tell me what you’ve done wrong
Leave my expectations unfulfilled
Allow me to be cruel
Anger does not want to be wasted on anyone
It wants you
You, who get my best
Provide me some with good reason
To get some of my dark matter
I expect nothing more than you being 10,000 times better than me
Eat shit and smile
Show how much you will endure
My normal self is
nice, too nice, terribly nice
nauseous of pleasing
And I know you cannot be as nice as your words
So let’s play a game
I will be allowed to show my shit
And you will stop all this chitchat
Death is only the beginning
Death is the end of pain
Pain of the body
Pain within hearts
Hearts that tear
Hearts that break
Break my spirit
Break my soul
Soul of the innocent
Soul of the guilty
Guilty of labels
Guilty of hate
Hate that breeds
Hate that blinds
Blinds the eyes
Eyes that discern
Eyes that see truth
Truth of our origins
Truth of a matter
Matter of fact
Matter of conscience
Conscience that protects
Conscience that guides
Guides the wise
Guides the strong
Strong in spirit
Strong in mind
Mind that sways
Mind that decides
Decides an outcome
Decides a fate
Fate which is chance
Fate that is life
Life has no box of chocolates
Life gives no sweets for free
Free is relative
Free is what we take
Take her hand in yours
Take the ring he offers
Offers promise of happiness
Offers his heart to give
Give without cost to you
Give without taking back
Back to where it resides
Back to being alone
Alone as in the beginning
Alone with only his pains
You hear about the sleepless nights
The crying, the suicidal thoughts.
The cloudy days when it's sunny
And the thunderstorms in the cool breeze
You hear about the support groups
The suicide hotlines, the public outcry.
The sad poems and the sad playlists.
But you never hear about the reality
The way depression looms over your head,
Not as a cloud, but as a faceless mass
Of pure darkness, that paints a smile on your face
So people don't notice you're hurting
It's the feeling of complete and utter nothingness,
When you sit in class and stare at the teacher
But don't hear a thing he's saying because you're too sad, too upset to move or think.
It's the paranoia that you feel
When your friends leave you for a split second
That feels like minutes, then feels like hours.
It's the loneliness that sets in
While numbers and friends are within arm's reach.
It's the messy room, the scraps of chocolate wrappers on the floor.
The piles of laundry you haven't touched in weeks.
The homework you've been putting off because you were too fucking sad to do it
The pain on your lover's face when he realised he can't do anything
And the pain on yours when you hate seeing him in pain
And the cycle goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
It's the constant apologising.
The constant self-hatred.
The self-medication with good things and movies but nothing seems to work.
I just want to be okay.
You're claws are out you rip and tear
You beat me down till I'm not there
You slash and stab without a thought
You aim your words just like a shot
You spew out hate assigning blame
You live to threaten, blind, and maim.
You wont let me grow you won't let me live
Guilt and shame are all you give
You chain me down till I can't breathe
Knowing I'm too weak to leave
You've stripped me bare, removed my soul
Cut me open and swallowed me whole.
You insult with lies until I'm deaf
Steal my joy till I have none left
I've tried to scream, I've tried to hide
So many times I've wish I died
Death would be better than this hell I allow
If I wasn't a coward id be there right now.
I am tired of being told what I should and what I shan't.
And I know this platform isn't for ranting and yet here I'll rant.
I am sick of being empty, aimless, vague and out of place.
I am sick of wasting all your air, of taking all your space.
And my claws, I use to tear my skin, so that I could be set free,
And my screams I let out muffled and hushed to spare you my agony.
And my body feels imprisoning, my breath is getting faint
And my eyes are melting, face is welting, dying from the paint
And the bathroom doors complaining from the numb and from the tear
And my psyche getting tired of all the sorrow and the fear.
And the voice inside my head, always saying I'm not enough
And the lies I tell myself like "you can make it, you are tough."
And the people I looked up, lived with, shared with my days
And the lies they taugh me, unconditional love, they said, stays.
And the God whom I once worshiped and for whom I often cried
And the deaf, the blind, the disabled, to whom he's closely tied.
And the fact that I am beyond your repair, beyond all that can be done
And the way I feel at the start of each day and with every falling sun.
And the creature biting on my heart at every given chance
And the demons sitting in my head, not letting me advance.
And the love I always had, different faces every while
And the feelings that I gave away and never even got a smile.
This is not a ranting place, and yet here I wrote.
Is this a good place though to write one's suicide note?
Jadi, bukan puisi atau lantunan ayat yang ingin ku tuliskan.
Hanya hal biasa yang mungkin kau lupa eksistesinya.
Kamu lupa berterima kasih dengan segala sesuatu yang kamu lewati. Kamu pernah berjanji ingin berubah (apaan anjing omdo).
Kamu pernah mengingkari dan selalu aku yang memaafkan. Kukatakan itu wajar.
Tapi melebihi batas wajar itu, kamu terus acuh dan acuh.
Cacian saja sudah puas aku lontarkan?
Aku butuh lebih dari ini, bukan hanya kata-kata pedas yang kamu butuhkan.
Kamu butuh mati.
Kamu butuh mati rasa.
"a loaded god complex, cock it and pull it"
back to the drawing board again
what's wrong with me this time around?
is it the fat that no one else sees
the calories that hang off my bones like weights
"shoot me up to entertain"
the pieces are in place, I've just gotta
the shit away so that I can finally
walk unencumbered, walk amongst the rest
"drop like a bullet shell"
forgive me, my tutors
but I've been forced to give in
under harsh scrutiny
line up those goddamn targets again
let's make this the round that counts