When solitude finds me in life,
I find my own inner peace.
Having experienced strife
Is better than for life to cease.
We are a lucky species, to be so aware,
To not only see colors but to bestow them names.
To write poems about their flare,
To capture ice, to capture flames.
So when I am morose,
And diamonds drop from my eyes.
Time passes, the wind blows,
And I remember what it means to be alive.
You're always there, when I smile.
But not right now.
I can't stop myself from frowning now.
Smiling mouth with my deadened eyes
and quivering all alone in my mind.
I remember when you said
that if I need you, you'll be right there.
Why don't you love me
anymore? Was I sickening to the touch?
Why don't you love me
anymore? Did I scare your love away?
I need you back. You won't come back.
You won't return my love.
How can I obtain the love that you hold in your heart?
You're always there, when I laugh.
But you're gone now.
Screaming, crying in a storm of feelings.
Smiling until I get home,
is this some kind of sick joke?
I miss the ways you held my hand.
I love you and it hurts to see you.
How could it be, that I've fallen
for you, even though you
walked away? You should have stayed by my side.
After all you said you would.
Please don't leave. Why did you leave?
You promised you would always be there.
I'll be waiting if you want to return.
It hurts when it ends.
When everything you have ever needed,
decides it no longer needs you.
When it ends, it's the beginning you think of.
That first memory of it -
a precious bliss;
like sunshine, after a storm.
When it begins, it does not say when it'll end.
It never disclaims the pain you'll go through.
It promises happiness, and joy.
It promises forever.
And when it ends, it's the storm that is forever.
A storm that floods your insides with an eternal agony.
For, when it ends, you wonder;
how can this end -
when it is everything you have ever loved,
I remember the day you met the love of your life
She sat in a bonsai garden, growing your
imagination with vivid stories and melodious notes
An exotic oriental sensation elegantly wining
against a disordered mass of molecules
that had been creating countless scenarios for years!
Oh, so unambiguously!
To which demons it may concern;
You know me. I'm your worst enemy.
I'm the sunshine that breaks your attempts at drowning her.
I'm the flower petals that infiltrate the scent of your rot.
You wish me gone.
But understand in turn that is what I wish of you.
You have no right to push her over any cliffs of your choosing.
You have no right to make her feel as worthless as she does.
You have no right to play upon her heartstrings like an overplayed violin.
And if you ever lay a single claw mark upon her skin again, you'll wish you were back in hell.
Because that's way nicer than where I'm gonna send you.
I remember hurricane Katrina
And how it ravaged your state, you wanted to wait it out
Sit on the roof and watch the flood water disintegrate all you knew
I wasn't there but I have implanted memories of you and your father
Smoking cigarettes on top of your house
Laughing about the rage of nature
I remember skipping school in elementary
We used to walk down the paths and go into the woods and douse ourselves in creek water
And there was nothing I knew better than your face at this time
You were my brother and my best friend
And I begrudgingly remember you strung out and treating me like shit
But I knew it wasn't you who was getting kicked out of my house
It was the heroin, and whatever else it might've been
I never thought you'd die alone
With not much to say for-
Not much to live for, I guess
But I knew you lived for us, Sam and I
Because when mom went you knew we needed help
And you were the big brother, and we were your precious sisters
There's nothing poetic about the way you left us at young 34 years old
And I will never forgive black tar and needles
I hope the boat you depart on burns to nothing but your ashes
And the sea takes you to a place better than heroin ever could
I never thought I'd see the day your name made it to the papers
Maybe as a success, maybe as a life that was made out to be something beautiful
But instead, I've seen you in the obituaries
Justin Colter Stilling,
That name belongs to death now.
I wish I could see you off on your trip to the other side
But instead I'll be wasting away remembering you for what you were
And it makes me wonder, how and why
We all have to die
You find love in the bottom of a bottle
Or even, maybe a can.
Your love died from the same very thing
That you reach for so dearly.
I understand that cold hard grip of addiction
Of something that slips down your throat and into your blood-
But it's different with you.
I thought maybe my near death moment
Would've opened your eyes,
And I thought that maybe my words
Got inside your mind.
But instead you choose to die faster everyday
You choose to die for a buzz that lasts not even for a day.
And I'm not angry. I'm just sad.
I don't want to watch you die
And they say that's love, watching someone die,
But this disease killed my mother, your lover
I know she wouldn't want you to go the same.
And these words are futile, they are hopeless;
They do not rhyme.
They do not have melody,
They do not flow sweetly off the tongue.
But they are honest, they are sincere.
You are my father,
But not when you are drunk.
Heavy breath on empty air,
Words for no one to hear:
I remain delirious by my own lunacy.
How long will I continue on,
Swallowing my solitude,
Pushing it down,
As if it will keep me alive?
I am surrounded by
Too many words,
But too little company.
Alone in the car,
Alone in my room,
I feel the desire to regurgitate
I speak, and the ghosts in the corner
Nod in agreement.
They understand, don’t they?
But I blink,
And my cheeks turn crimson,
For they have disappeared.
Where they even there at all?