Monotonous and droning existential crises.
The tv stuck on static, radiation from the big bang all I see.
Lone dark apartment. Urban noises filling the dark silence.
A lonely, fat man with a stained beater shirt opens a can of meat and eats it.
Depression what fuels his current state of living.
A dark dingy lone single room apartment, static on TV, a bottle of cheap
tongue burning Whiskey, his only company.
The dogs barking outside the window.
Thew cats whining in the alleyways.
All seem to have more reason to exist.
Then this human who lives in such a disturbing way.
For your love:
I'm willing to risk an eternity in agony if I should ever fail you.
I would cry for you night and day,
The brave and strong defender forgotten.
Pitty would be measured by my tears as I would be the definition thereof!
For your love:
I would exist as a shell of my former,
loose all material possessions and be a transient til death,
for I would loose the slightest interest in life without you. I would endure this existence eternal if you not returned to me.
For your love:
I don't offer you my best or any promise of it...those things are obviously given and trivial.
Instead, I offer you what nobody else will...
My slow death in a meager existence of depression and pain if I should ever fail you.
I risk all this once and again for a chance at your returning love.
Is this not the cost for your love?
Sit there and answer, as I pay it!
- Luiz Syphre
Outlast all my troubles
my demons close behind ;
To get to the end where the light of heaven shines
Apparently im losing
apparently im lost
So viciously unfocused
i fall and pay the cost
Uncanny how they breach in
My pride was like a boat
its dawning several holes
to water im exposed
My issues give me pounds on rearrival
lately hits to ego have me feeling small as Fievel..
I feel as though im lacking
or unfit for this girl ;
They tell me play the game
while cheaters run the world..
i don't believe anybody is anybody, anymore
nobody is nobody
everybody is everybody
and i don't know who i am supposed to be
in all of this
a walking question mark
riddling my own mind
my soulless eyes
knowing damn well that half of them won't know until i'm gone
but still trying to form
some semblance of surprise
the walk i've been slowly enduring
upon my cracked and bleeding feet
has only managed to take me in circles
and i keep ending up back where i started
there is no finish line in sight,
only lap after lap
of the same
i'm certain i've passed this tree a thousand times
but i forgot the bread crumbs
at home, and now i'll never know for sure
which way to go
silence is the only laughter i know
and the applause in my head,
after the words form in my brain,
gives me a false sense of purpose
when in reality,
i'm laughing at my own jokes
and clapping my hands
for my own minimal accomplishments
I have so many reasons to be alive.
But I get tired.
I don't think I scare myself anymore.
quiet car rides,
On starry nights.
Might even learn,
To enjoy it.
the first night i entered you greeted me with a smile
i was shaking and tired from staying three hours in the ER
you asked me what was wrong and i told you that i was fixing my posture
but we both know that wasn't true
the bugs were crawling in my skin
you could see it too
that first night you gave me my medicine and told me sweet dreams
not too long later i woke up screaming
the bugs ate my brain my limbs wouldn't move
you came in and calmed me until the parasites no longer grew
the next evening you greeted me with a smile
i greeted you with tears
i couldn't breathe and didn't want to be here
you told me it was for my own safety and i told you no, here in general
existing was too agonizing
my soul doesn't have a place in this
you told me i spoke poetry and asked me if i wrote
so i showed you my secrets
and the silence spread on for eons
as grew my anxiety
finally you said "you have a gift"
i told you "no i have depression"
later that night you gave me a stuffed owl and told me happy birthday
that was the first night the bugs kept still
evening came once again and you greeted me with a smile
i greeted you with an exasperated sigh
you looked at the MMPI test and knew exactly what i meant
i fixed my posture
you knew the bugs were squirming again
i told you they're judging me for the answers that i put
you said it's my mental illness
it's not a part of me
but i refused to believe
later that night i spilled out my anxiety
and told you the world hated me for the bugs that i carry
there's a leech in my heart and it sinks into anyone who cares
you said i was an inspiration for anyone who's bugs they let die
because even they deserve life too
so i named my leech Hope
my last night you greeted me with a smile
i greeted you with a parting letter
we sat in the room and you told me not to fear the bugs in my skin
it was a symbolism of thriving life
so i told you about Hope in my heart
you gave me a hug and we joined the others for cards
a game was played and you showed us a cool trick
laughter filled the room
our depression was dismissed
and that was the first time i believed in magic
so that was the name of the parasite in my brain
The train window swallows mansions and fields and rivers and box-like houses as if all are mere stick figures
There are tears pressed behind my eyes, and they desperately want to jump from the red rims of my eyelids and end it all
End it all
The water pressure in my head has reached a point where the measurements start to break down, thoughts tossed turbulently into darkness and suddenly breathing water seems better than breathing air
My headphones crackle with music as I gaze at my fellow passengers in disbelief- the woman next to me is looking at shoes
Doesn't she get it? Don't they get it? How futile it all is? How beautifully endlessly painful and deadly life is?
I choke on rain when I close my eyes
The train roars forward in mechanical bliss with its destruction of the scenery outside
A boy is sitting across from me now. He leans closer and I catch death in his dark, empty eyes.
'And you thought you were going to be okay' he sneers.
My tears and water soaked brain are paralyzed into ice.
'My dear' he confides, wrapping me in his bitter, syrupy touch.
You will never be okay.
He laughs, melting through the screeching train car
And my iced-over tears break
I know now he waits patiently on the train's tracks
And I fervently hope I will never meet him there
two people walked in on me today
not with a dick in my hand
but a blade
the raw bloody beauty of the word
the sting of my fingertips
the buzz from the drink
it's better than your soft words
and caressing fingertips
it's better than the alcohol,
...than the hydros
...than the words
it's better than your words
once you're drunk enough
all wine tastes the same
once you're high enough
all life tastes the same
u know those people that tell the stories about that one person they couldn't get off their mind
they'd say that everything reminded them of that one specific person no matter where they went, what they did
i never thought i'd understand it
i never thought that i'd understand that breathing reminded me of all the times i laughed so hard i couldn't
when i walk, my mind plays our adventures like motion pictures on the big screen. my feet hit the ground and all i can see is when we walked on curbs
every time i courageously put those two ear buds into my ears i can feel myself in that computer chair, clicking away, fighting over which song to play
i understand those people now
it’ll be cold later, you say;
dark clouds serve as premonition for the February I deserve,
summer in the first quarter
sometimes I want to drink so much
i forget my own name
or forget yours;
i laid flat on the pavement tonight,
letting the stones sink into the flat of my skull
wishing the sting of them
could make me forget