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maybe i will
get to see the
sun rise
right before
my tired,
drunken eyes

sleep is
hard to
come by
even when i
need it
after a hard day
or a rough week
of constantly
changing masks
to be who
i need to be
when i’m
in certain company

i love that
i can be me
with you
no masks
no filters
just openly discussing
and drinking
and cussing
and occasional
fussing
about how badly
we want
to have a
bratty snuggle
between
two
benefited
*******
friends

i am sweet
but i’m
a ****
i love hard
with
time
and
work
and i’m
healing
from the hurt
that was
placed on me
from birth
still
trying
and dying
to know
my own worth

creativity
is both
a blessing
and
a curse
and i’m
not sure
which is worse…
being alone
or feeling
like every
move
i make
is rehearsed

i want
to know myself
i want to shake hands
and really
meet
me
for the
first time

i want to
know
you
in
the process
of
getting
acquainted
with myself
and i
want to
hold your
hand
once in
a while
as
i’m counting
stars
and
trying
to find
my smile
somewhere
within those
sparkling
lights
in the sky
i want to live
one day
without
wondering
why
i’ve been slipping
and sliding
down a dangerous
path
into a soupy,
sloppy pit
of dismissive
behaviors
and letting
part of myself
disappear

it’s so hard to explain
how this is so wrong
and so right
at the same time

it goes against
all i’ve ever thought
i needed
but these dreams
won’t leave
my mind
i’m trapped between
my heart
and
my
time

what happens
between
one eye
and the other
in my lil’
squishy
brain
is impossible
to explain

it all just
comes down
to one
simple
little
itty
bitty
thing

this stupid
little
flutter
in my heart
with
your name
etched into it

i can’t sleep
but
i don’t care

sometimes
poetry
is more
important
I miss you more than words can express,
but I must try anyway.
The issue, the core of this whole mess:
I'm dust since you went away.
.
I think of you ten times a day,
tormented by memories:
a wink, a joke you would say -
lost in my reveries.
.
And I only really smile
when I replay our greatest hits;
It's been lonely for a while,
Gone astray, falling to bits.
.
I pray, I do, though I'm not sure
if I deserve to have you back,
or if oblivion could even cure
this tattered soul, this crystal crack.
.
Fare thee well, my shooting star,
wherever you might land;
For I have fell from you too far,
forever changed by your hand.
.
10.3.2024.
(for G.)
l i z a 2d
Wanting to see you happy took on a deeper meaning
I got my wish and this is something I see you achieving
My heart can’t decide whether to elevate or keep sinking
I feel your love but sometimes I’m the one missing.
I’m trapped in a hole of my own making
It’s like I want to come up but I’m still debating
Do I push myself off the ledge or keep praying
I hope my love is strong enough to choose staying
there’s nothing on your end that’s wrong, it’s me
I’ve been working on letting me feel alive and free
Keep regressing to a time where I’m afraid and weak
and hope you don’t hate me if I reach a new peak
Intrusively, I risk losing my precious purpose of being
You’re sending the signs I need but I’m not seeing
How much I mean to you becomes invisible to link
With the love and happiness, I wish for you, to exist.
The darkness holds desires
Through life is always there
Presence that never expires
Can always feel his stare

Waiting to take happiness
Step off a ledge to get away
That only brings me more stress
I struggle every day
Depression is always looming overhead just waiting to come back around and bring rain clouds
there’s a thought,
or maybe a dream,
that’s caught in my head
and it makes me so sick
it’s like my brain
and heart
are being ****** dry
by a tick
and the little fat ****
won’t quit with the ****
he keeps trying to
**** me
and drain me of
all my blood

my fingernails are well bitten
as my thoughts are being written
i’m really ******* smitten
and i’m stuck
i’m scared
and i’m angry
and i’m running
out of luck

i feel like i’m
being pressed tightly
between two pieces of glass
and i see one world
from one side
and another
from my other eye
and i know which
one i want to explore
and know
and see
it’s just
not that simple
it’s not that easy
but i’m willing to
put in the time
and the effort
to make a dream
into our reality
It’s not about you. Unless your name is “Earitch”
why do i always
go after myself

pick apart every
single thought

tear myself to
pieces and

find excuses
to not have a
heart?

life doesn't go
according to plan

and two years in
i'm caught in-between
lies i told myself

that buried me
deep within.

there's no mystery
i lived in
make-believe

it was a safety-net,
a fantasy
that made me believe

it could one day be.

but one day,
i woke up and realized

feeling sorry for myself
only goes so far, and leaves
me paralyzed.

i had to move on
from this nightmare.

i had to finally
move past,
and leave behind,

the memories with
rose-colored eyes.
Breeze bellows,
leaves echo in
quivering psithurism,
dithering like
unbroken smoke,
this approaching omen goads.

Dozing crows
slumbering in rows,
droves of locusts'
silenced drone,
almost comatose in repose;
nighttime overtones
choir of toads'
raspy croaks
answered by alto
of crickets' orchestral strokes.

Gust encroaches;
robed boughs
cloven open,
bring into
scope and focus
me juxtaposed,
suspended apropos.

Although motionless
and petrified in stone,
provoked by zephyr
coaxing to and fro;
swaying pendulous
and no longer frozen,
locus gently thrown.

Death rattle moan
evoked from throat,
reflex can't say no
to rigor rigidly posed,
final sigh in silence,
awoken vocal,
expelled and disposed.

Smote by
morose emotion,
gun loaded then exploded
by neurosis,
now bloated
necrosis decomposes
into gross ochre.

This trophy
and this ode
both an opus to
my inability to cope;
romanced i proposed,
eloped and betrothed to
my own
inappropriate composure.

Pocket full of posies
plucked when luck bestowed
and tears in a cup, a toast;
crying copiously,
tempest runneth overflowed,
eyes swollen and soaked.

Dipped my toes
in the coast
of this ocean's
amorphous folds,
gripped by undertow
holding control of my soul;
swiftly shipwrecked in
shallow shoal,
an old atoll.

On sandy floor,
water burrows roads;
digging, carving, roams
through unmarrowed
silica and sandstone
eroding into a cove.

A host for
opal geode trove,
enclosing a
technicolor rose,
from the depths
a glowing mosaic shone

Unopened lotus floats
on foam
of lapping waves,
a boat;
prone to no
grandiose notion
or motive,
adrift as wind stokes.

I suppose
this only shows
the total corrosion
into which I dove,
the only foes to oppose
are those of burdens, so
only weightless can I atone-
I must let go.
Not sure how i feel about this one, just because I'm not sure if it effectively communicates what I was trying to express... tried to revisit it several times over the last few years since i wrote it (hoping to maybe revise it a bit) but every time I've come up a little short on ideas how i might do that (to the point where ive been considering just scrapping it entirely and rewriting a Part 2 from scratch lol)... still not sure though, since it *is* a fairly coherent continuation of Part 1 (and I wanted to retain that continuity) so any criticism or feedback is especially appreciated for sure!

Also just some things for context while reading:

Psithurism is the sound wind makes through the trees.

Opal is made by water running through silica and sandstone then evaporating.

Lotus has a double meaning in lotus flowers (floating on lilypads) and also its use in Greek mythology as a plant which bears a fruit that when eaten causes dreamy forgetfulness and an unwillingness to depart.
i just want to live,

find myself,

and be loved

even if it’s just
little bits
of fleeting love
from passersby,
and then i want to die
while
i’m still loved

and before
the visitors
that
love me
realize how
****** up
i really am
i don’t want to keep ******* doing this
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