I try to kindle a sweet pupa
As I bring it here to my room
And I keep it there on the floor.
Then I start to observe it regularly.
Soon one day it starts to stir up
So I try to help the moth inside
And I cut its pupa with a knife.
What came out was a beautiful butterfly!
But the butterfly would not fly,
Instead it started squirming there,
And it looked quite pitiful grounded.
The natural struggle had been absent.
It was a sinful mistake at that time,
My helping it break open its pupa,
It had not learned to struggle.
I watched it staying so grounded there!
I could not make it learn anything,
My helping it metamorphose was bad,
And it was actually criminally awful,
Now it will spend its life thinking,
And only thinking that it is normal,
Lying & squirming was its capability,
I hate myself for ruining the pupa.
I have realized what mistake I made.
It was totally wrong trying to manipulate.
I'll admit that I should've stayed away.
Now the girl might never realize it.
But she had a lot of scope to toil hard.
Toil hard to reach the pinnacle of success.
I'm sorry to have ever come close to you.
Please don't be like the disturbed pupa.
You can do a lot of hard work yourself.
Please don't hesitate to work hard in India.
Away from India you have to work harder.
And I have known more stories of people who broke down.
Please don't think that you must do the opposite of whatever I say.
I rest my case in hopes that you will not do your own damage in a bid to show me that I have always been wrong.
I wish that I could revert the time back to December 31st 2012 wee hours when the actual damage happened behind the veil of love.
It was untimely love for you and me.
I don't say anything like you were immature for love at that time but I just wanted to recount the things as they came out.
My HP Poem #1469
I heard you were hurting.
I heard your mom and dad
Stopped loving each other,
And the distance between them
I want to say:
I’m sorry the pain is making you sick,
I’m sorry you feel hopeless,
I’m sorry you have to hide it.
You don’t know me,
And you may not care to;
You’d probably find it strange
That I sit here at night
Writing poems about you.
But I wish for you to be happy,
And I wish to help,
Although all I can do
Is sit here, and dream
That one day,
I’ll wrap my arms around you,
And show you the love
Your parents never have.
So until that day
(If it ever comes),
I’ll sit here every night
Writing poems about you.
”Did I scare you today?”
“A bit yeah, reminded me of my dad when he has outbursts”
Let me introduce myself, my name is Beast
I terrify people by simply looking at them most days
The reason for that, I don’t know…
I’m 5’8” with a medium build
Nothing that should be feared
She says she can hear ticking in her head
Like a metronome set years ago that’ll never die
But I feel like that ticking is her hearing my inner count down
The countdown to the day I give up again
Little does she know that she is half the reason I haven’t left
The other being the only person I haven’t scared yet
She fights for me
I never understood why, it’s not like I keep her alive
She teared up today…
I raised my voice to the point that it filled the vehical
Almost making me think of jumping out the window
Don’t let Beast shine through who you are
Keep her buried under piles of burnt paper
A layer of poems I burnt to keep hidden from their eyes
I saw your tears darling, don’t pretend they weren’t there
You acted strong but I could tell I’d just torn you down
Why do you stay?
You’ve seen what happens
Oh darling… I fear that this is just the beginning
Of a time where everyone leaves me again
A pair of phantoms hands
clasped and held to center
Symmetrical as Hell.
They pull apart and in their wake drift embers sparks and calcite.
Colors where these hands just were make-out and roll around; they leave their imprints and their stains when they are done.
Out of the unwashed we arrived
A symptom of passionate cries.
None comes from creation besides the thing that we made, just pray that it is ugly in all the right places—we pray, but not I, me, I make eyes at the mirror and punish myself until Hell's tides become shallow ends against mine—then frivolous, yank myself from sinking lifeboat to cloud-nine,
Let helping hand erase my demons, baby, I must be omniscient because I just personally faced damnation and swift rapture all within one bathroom trip.
I am my own savior
You are the deity I suffer for.
For whom I could create under conditions of such self destruction and from you only disassurances to fuel my flame; watch it ignite
then go out,
Me in a panic,
Rolling newspaper together, heaving in the embers—making winds to toss that heat around, frantic cause I feel the maelstrom tossing inside me and it is quiet, nervous, commonly occurring. You can avoid all of that if you just GO.
No destruction required.
No promises of plans gone unmet if you never promised.
I only exist if you see me
Now shut your eyes: this is the remedy for lame creations.
I will still see you, Deity
You will still make fun of me if I am visible; I will sell fragments of my truth to the same machine that I loathe, and it will churn that truth to muck, my spirit to a discard pile, while my heart and the entirety of my body will belong to you.
Watch dust gather on my lashes as my eyes wait for a clever opening.
Aren't my thoughts eerily possessive?
I think I want to be one of your things so I can watch all of your successes from the shelf, and cover my eyes when you have visitors
Pretend I am a man to you
Not just something that your curiosity alone birthed. What is this blind responsibility I throw at you?
Myself I do not fully recognize, but I won't censor what seems logical to me, though visibly unhealthy.
I'm just trying to explain because avoiding didn't work: you are all that I think about. So much for NEW, maybe improved is still within me.
I'm sorry for all of that. Believe it or not I have been trying to be less dramatic lately. Honestly it has been a very long time since feeling comfortable in here. You raided my thoughts long before I ever considered finishing the fucking thought
And then you left, so everything I ever/never said (or read or showed or wrote) to you was wrong and I had to change myself accordingly.
According to every flaw that I could find in myself. Income trouble.
Kids my age aren't supposed to go inward, they are programmed to fuck, fuck up, and forget. Success is just around the corner!
Don't worry, I'll go back to poetry format soon because this reality shit as it turns out is pretty depressing.
I think we need the
many moany broodings of a teenager who is white and straight—can't even write straight with this inky, bloody pen. That joke works better if you can physically see my notebook and the smudgy black Hell that it embodies. Seriously, it looks like some grabby octopus with parkinson's and seasonal mood swings tried to write the word "parkinsons" in here and then spent four to five hours sobbing about their meaningless existence and self-harming—just deep enough to make the ink drip out and fall into a pattern, maybe good enough to read aloud in public spaces which I would consider an honor in and of its
wobble and of the nerves that fire in like some unsteady chorus.
Still not good enough to sell. So bruised, so heady, Please Collin almighty I am ready
To be shot down in wave after wave of this stupidity. Oh how embarrassing it would be to face a firing squad if she could see; how could I ever imitate your immortality or even just your shine...
Here! More Pretty Words!
Pressure builds and compresses the body performs more or less—a little shaky.
The DANGER is in the mind right next to the safety.
Beneath the skull there is a small office-room plastered with disheveled documents, maybe important, the ones that I hired to clean up in there are actually four well fed cats, using the pages for their waste and spending their days pledging to untangle an endless, brain-sized ball of thread but—you know. at some point.
Like once they figure out that their cheap new carpeting is getting redder and redder the more that they tug on it. And—also they need to learn the color RED right after we have a professional explain to them what colors are.
Oh! Also. That they are FUCKING CATS!
Wait—don't leave. Please don't leave!
I'll be relatable. Wait.
I will only say handsome things. Wait.
I'll pretend that I am not thinking about you even when your breath is pumping somewhere within the same enclosed facility as mine is. Wait—
I will shorten my sentences significantly.
You won't even know it's me
Or that my lips could be so sure of anything
While my tongue so eager to betray.
You didn't say "I'm sorry",
you didn't say that to me,
you didn't apologize for any of your actions,
and I know his actions were worse,
but you had issues too,
and I know, and I love you,
but you never apologized.
not once have you said "I'm sorry"
and I'm sorry but that hurts,
it wasn't all you who aided in my mental demise,
but you never said "I'm sorry for staying with him so long"
you never said "I'm sorry for all the things that I did wrong"
you never said "I'm sorry for all the mess ups that i made"
and I love you,
but there were a lot Mom.
I wish you'd just say sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry
I'm sorry for everything that's gory
I am sorry for the times I went off lost like finding dory
Ain't no remedy to fulfill just a dying story
Staying up till 3 in the morning
Just think to myself damn have i stopped growing?
Should I stop going? Should I stop knowing?
The truth, the one the two the three that too?
Bare shit on my life now I been countin shoes
Got none got some but that don't matter now
Tryna figure this situation out like a Rubik's cube
Damn.. alot for lil freshman who get bare to no sleep he lookin blue
My mind been driftin apart of me like since forever
I know you would like a good message to fulfill endeavors
Got bare Ks on my account you can't even count
But yet this all pulling me down out like a lever
Got jello on my counter I feelin so mellow
Someone please tell me that this emoji aint yellow
Well wish I was a pokemon I would be swellow
Atleast I would be out this life pulling out like a cello
Was I told, was I warned that it would be like this?
What happened bad before seems like it was all a bliss
It's like everyday I feel high daydreaming in the mist
Of all the times that happened last year I wished that now I miss
Remember this remember that
Sebastian went down like splash
Look at me ain't got no cash
Broke, nope I feel like I'm about to dash
But life been comin
I be feelin somethin
I feel everything
I got bare people blocking me for every single damn thing
Lost people or the people left
Someone call the cops I got a heart theft
Pieces I won't get back like posting something on the internet
Maybe I don't need a genie because maybe this how life's set
You wanna bet?
My whole life on it how is that instead
Girl that's what she said
My whole life is like a gamble it's all a game in my head
Roll a dice
Hit it twice
Got it bad? too bad
I was tryna be nice how bow dah.
No jokes maybe one maybe me
Maybe some just a son
Weigh a ton
Say I will change but I do nun.
They all miss me
But no one care to see.
I want to approach you
how have you been?
I hope the summer's breeze
doing you well
I miss you
Heat's fastly approaching
But I still feel
the cold you're bringing
At least look me in the eye
Stab me, let me bleed
please, if you may
At least, pierce through me upfront
If this is goodbye
please tell me
Though, I'm afraid to let go
Just tell me
all the hatred
you feel against me
It was never my intention
to hurt you, dear
But I still did
This will be the last time
and you'll already sick of this...
I'm sorry... I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.