Dropping to my knees in prayer to a god
who might or might not be listening--
hoping somehow the ache in my heart
will reverberate far enough along
as my tears are streaming, glistening
and find their way through
the silent waves of grief and worry
that envelop and grip my heart
to find god's undivided attention
for just a moment or two--
"dear god, I beg of you--
stop all the pain that has its clutches
upon many of our throats in this land
and swipe away all tears
with your mighty hand
and please, please if you can see through
to the core of me now
do the magic that they say you can do
and heal not just myself
but the many many others too
who are in pain, bereft and alone,
who are in dire need of your love, in need of You."
I want his hair
I want his eyes
I want his features to be mine.
I want his friends
I want his girl
I want to live his life.
I want to be him,
Because he has her
She makes the world go round
But he doesn't even notice her.
He ignores her.
I adore her,
Does she know I exist?
I would treat her better,
I would make her my world,
If she would only know I exist.
I see the way she looks hopelessly at him,
Eyes full of love.
How I wish I had her love like that
Even her attention would be a marvel to me.
But oh, I cannot have her.
I cannot have her
Nor her words,
Nor her touch or her gaze.
I cannot have her eyes look upon me with that love which she so willingly gives to someone else.
I could never be the apple of her eye,
But here I remain.
I will sit and wait, a lowly apple in the orchard,
Longing for the day when she finally picks me.
In her heart just beneath her skin lays a tin pitcher.
The spout along with it's sides covered with frost from the coldest of water.
Parched lips long for a drink.
But without cup or glass.
I implore that I have swallowed fear of the utmost; Diving in head first.
A slow sip that eases the insecurity of rejection.
Another sip that interjects that you could be everything that I need.
One more to ensure that I would gladly drown to be loved by you
I need a distraction,
And I don't want to use you,
But god I need something to do .
I have enough regret for the both of us,
I just need her off my mind .
Don't need to remember,
Just need to act .
Don't need to feel,
Lord knows none of this will be real .
I need to chase away her scent with the feeling of your bones,
Need to distort my dreams,
With the reality of being unknown .
I need to forget,
But I swear if I see her everything will come back .
So let's close our eyes,
And turn off our ears,
I'll feel my way around your body,
Just distract me .
Send some rain, please God send some rain
For the earth is dry and needs to drink again --
And I know not how to speak to You anymore
I’ve run and run and run from You
I have feared, disgraced, shunned, and longed for You
All in single breaths, all in one gasp
There is too much, Lord
This wall is too thick
Too high, too strong
The gate is shut and I know not, remember not, the key
Did I hold the palette knife, Lord?
Was it I that mixed the concrete and placed the bricks?
Who drew those plans?
There is not a day I remember
Where I decided to shut down and shut off and shut away
The people on the outside
Things are safer on the inside, this I know
That this mind is a trap and this body is a bomb
But at least it isn’t as frightening as the ones outside --
But no, that isn’t true
I’ve seen how this mind will break and this body will fail
How the counter keeps ticking down down down
How I will run out of tape and glue to piece
These cracked halves and splinters back again
I’ve watched myself snap, teeth bared and nails out
Primitive and carnal, ready to destroy and kill;
Sluggish, depleted, apathetic, incapable, laying on the floor
Wheezing breath in and out, body crumpled to the ground
He says he loves me
God, isn’t that hysterical?
I have fallen too far for people to love me, o God
I have not quality
Nor quantity to make up for it
I don’t know how to feel safe with others
How to trust and how to love
Perpetually planning, there is a degree of calculation
In every move I make, every word I speak, every breath I take
The alarm bells will not stop -- stop! -- ringing
Everyone is faulty, everyone is dangerous
I cannot make them safe to me
Or this odious warning system
I write to feel
I speak to find help
But I am not better
I am not alright
God, are You out there?
They spoke of You in church this morning.
Every Sunday is another battlecry of you.
The mere mortals moralize and maneuver
They built their society on You,
But lost You in their rules --
Hell is empty, all the devils are here --
The Sadducees live again in this century, o Lord
I know His was only a single ticket
But perhaps there is another plane He could take, God
I was told this wall needed to descend for You, God
“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.”
But I have never reached for You
You know this, I know this
I am looping round and round
This reads more like a child’s diary entry than a poem
A confused convoluted confession
Not a profession, a solution, a heartfelt love
My God, You have got to save me
Medication might save or destroy my brain
But it will touch not my soul
I don’t know how to love
You love me
Could You teach me what it means?
God I would serenade You for Your love
David’s desperation and my muted, confused despair are one:
Save me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in deep mire,
Where there is no standing;
I have come into deep waters,
Where the floods overflow me.
I am weary with my crying;
My throat is dry;
My eyes fail while I wait for my God.
Those three words
of a sudden
pounded in my ears,
and echoed searing through my vessels;
They tumbled all
to find within my breast
a rusted, sleeping drum:
My entire body rang
like a pinched nerve
with that familiar crystalline magnetic
that weaves the restless dreams of skyward eyes,
and drags our seizing hearts into the night,
that floods the weary’s lungs with scent of rain,
and cocks the ears of midnight wolves to give them pause.
You woke me, and I kissed you hard and warm;
I thanked you, for I didn’t know
If my eyes would ever see again.
I'd love you like I love,
And a warm breeze,
I'd love you the same way I love rusty old swings,
I'd love you like grass,
And love you like holding hands,
While we walk on the beach,
I'd love you like,
Under soft blankets,
With the tv casting shadows on your face,
While you laugh,
Oh God I would love to make you laugh,
I'd love you like thrift shops,
And old photographs,
I'd love you like summer nights,
On the roof,
Or in bed watching movies,
I'd love you like I always would,
I'd love you like all these things,
Like warm coffee on cold fingers,
Or sunsets by the lake,
I'd love you day,
Like the ice skating rink,
I'd love you like, the song,
By the brinks.
And I know I am young,
And you're miles away,
But there's a feeling here,
That's making me stay.
And I'd love you like this,
And i promise I would
Please let me darling,
I promise I could.