I fell, hapless, when our souls first met
Just how it happened, oh I will never forget
That wicked one, he worked his charm
Barging into my life, without an alarm
Returned to my senses, when broke, that spell
Trapped as guinea pig, I was, I could tell
His everlasting embrace, it chained my soul
Battered, shattered, half from whole
He left me all alone, but he left me strong
Oh wait, I left him; to say he did, would be wrong
He was but a voice, a frail one, in my head
But I was so affected by all that he said
"You try, you fail, you'll never be good enough
You love, you're hurt, life will always be this rough"
But then I heard my soul so meek
"May I?", he hesitated; I enthused, "sure, speak!"
"You feel like you're dead inside, but look how alive
you sound as you respond with zeal, like you're only about five"
And there released a giggle, a tear
'I found her again, but will I lose her?' I feared
"No, woman, no! The little girl will always be alive"
He said with such credence, "I know she will survive!"
I was falling again, this time, to rise
I turned around to say goodbye, to the one I despise
That voice in my head, refuses to leave
But now, his balderdash, I refuse to believe
He talks, he jabbers, often on mute
I'm lost in sweet spiels, of this new beaut
Now listen, carefully, my stranger friend
If that spiteful voice finds you, shift the trend
Rush out, reach out, to YOU, your soul
protect it from him, maintain your whole
Arduous, it may be, but that voice, do seek to find
For that's true love, not the demeaning voice in your mind
It's not until you kick the bucket that you realize
the noose wasn't the solution to your bruise
When none is present to grab your kicking feet
and lift you out the bottomless pit of defeat
there are no problems heavy enough to kill
and suicide ain't no solution, just a bad deal.
even your challenges weigh you down
remember there's always a new dawn.
They wear boots
To look for clay.
She is trampled on.
She wastes hours
Only too have them torn
She is a tree, exploited
It's soul, truncated
How can they be so cruel?
She is not strong enough.
They take her for a fool.
If only they could see.
I was lost in the darkness,
Overwhelmed by sadness,
Life lost its meaning,
And became depressing;
I was a terrible fool,
To think the thoughts are cool,
That says only you,
Can make me whole and new,
But i found a way,
Grew stronger everyday,
The darkness is over,
I've found another lover.
To all the lovers who’ve been lost, abandoned, or left behind,
a word of wisdom, yourself you must find,
let the tears become warpaint as they streak your face,
let the silence of loneliness be your most powerful embrace,
so remember as you fall asleep at night,
you are courageous, you are strong, and everything will be alright.
My heart cries out to my God.
He is all I have in the land of the living.
May he incline his ear towards me
When I praise him with thanksgiving.
May he hear my earnest petition
For his name to be made known.
May he remember the worship I've given
And the faithfulness that I've shown.
My heart cries out to my God.
It pleads with him for strength.
As I encounter many obstacles,
I beg him for more faith.
I know that I'll have bad days and
Circumstances beyond my control.
But help me Jah to make it through.
Onto your loyal love, I firmly hold.
My heart cries out to my God.
My tears blur my spiritual vision.
I need his guidance and direction
To make the right decisions.
Do not forsake my tears, O Jah.
Do not turn aside from my pain.
My heart cries out to you, O Jah.
May your approval and favor, I gain.
When you walk a thousand mile
You can rest or pause for a while
But never surrender to show
You will go and continue to grow
Sing your song to them all
Keep your faith when you fall
Stand and start over again
Reflect every now and then
This world would be unfair to you
Keep the good things that you do
Learn to adjust to the tests
Just be yourself and do your best
Never give up, never stop
Keep climbing and make it to the top
Just keep the faith and do not fear
The right time for you is coming near
i still am trying to hold back my tears as i write this down. i thought about on my way home and debated with myself for a good 3 hours and decided that i have to write this, if not for people, for myself.
i visited the ward as a visitor today. it felt weird to be on the other side of the door. it felt weird to be on the other side of the glass, and it felt weird to look into the eyes of someone i once knew.
it hurt that as soon as i walked through the open doors, i hear the screams of a man speaking in a language i did not understand. it hurt to watch him being pinned down by 2 men almost twice his size. it hurt to watch his mental pain being temporarily stopped with physical pain.
it hurt as we started talking. it took almost every ounce of courage inside of me to hold my tears back, because i knew that me crying would dampen his spirits and affect his recovery. and i knew exactly what that feels like.
it hurt to sit back and watch him explain his illness in terms i knew far too well. it hurt to hear him say " stay here, you would understand this more than anybody else. " it hurt that i understood. it hurt that for that brief moment, i didn't want to understand. i didn't want to be in there. my legs were shaking but i listened anyway.
it hurt to hear him explain how the electricity worked and hurt his jaws. it hurt to tell him to be strong, because i knew how much it would take out of him to just try. it hurt that he cracked up jokes in the middle of our conversations, i didn't feel like laughing at all.
it hurt to watch so many people suffering from illnesses they never asked for, it hurt to watch so many of you suffering from the pain you don't deserve. it hurt to just sit there and not be able to do anything about it. it hurt.
but it hurt because it wasn't my place to feel hurt, it was yours. it was your place to scream and shout. it was your place to cry and break down into a million pieces.
but it hurt because you couldn't, because in your head you are fine. in your head, you're at work. in your head, none of this ever happened. in your head, 20 cops didn't restraint you. in your head, this is a perfect world.
but it didn't hurt because i knew deep in my heart that no matter what, the way i feel about you will never change. the strong, courageous, brave, joyful, kind, happy man that i grew up knowing will always have a place in my heart. no amount of ect's and antidepressants will take that away.
so thank you, for opening my eyes to all the pain in the world. thank you, for making me realize that i am smaller than i think i am. thank you, for making me understand that there is greater suffering in the world. thank you, for teaching me the value of gratefulness. thank you, for educating me, even if it was through your suffering.