I don't want you to know that I'm going down/
All the words getting stuck in the back of my throat/
My blood turning still and lifeless within my veins/
I chased you without knowing the price to pay/
Oh baby I'm a tormented soul in this world/
It's so hard for me to let go of the stars/
Oh I'm going down in flames today/
Someone give me a reason to stay/
Thank you for proving to me that everyone leaves.
Thank you for showing me that actions speak louder than words.
Thank you for making me realize that I don't need anybody.
Thank you for helping me believe that I'm better off alone.
You used to be the one that helped me stop cutting.
But now here I am cutting myself all over again-
because of you.
You built me back up and then destroyed me.
Just like everyone else.
You told me I mattered-
You didn't have to say you didn't care-
but it was clear.
You told me you loved me-
but it was clear, you didn't.
Your actions proved how you really felt.
Don't contact me in a week, asking how I am.
I know you don't care.
Don't tell me to stop hurting myself.
I know you don't care.
Don't try to"help" me.
I don't need you.
I played your game.
I followed your rules.
From the beginning of time.
Your world was all I knew.
I thought it was just you.
Just you and your world.
Your world was all.
So I followed its rules.
I got a girlfriend.
I pretended to be mad
when she ~broke my heart~
I would freeze solid.
My arms and body, stone.
Every time that question;
that silly silly question,
was asked to me.
I was angry.
It was my Question.
It was my Answer.
Sure, it was true.
But, it was not some toy.
I am not a source for entertainment.
The spine and brain are first,
but, I had no spine
until That Day.
An inner evil,
foreign to me,
erupted from within me.
I pitied her poor soul;
My explosion was more,
more than that Saint Helens.
That beautiful destruction I caused?
I reveled in it.
I had finally grown my spine.
and now I'm suffocating - not from lack of oxygen but from lack of hope,
a lack of feeling alive and ability to cope;
instead I'm drowning in pain with my chest exploding and my heart aching,
waiting for my demise because I'm so tired and inside I'm breaking.
I'm trying to accept the harsh reality of what could of been...one of the most treasurable moment of my life, to give life
Maybe you weren't really there, but how so when I felt you before you disappeared
Sweet butterflies opened my eyes of soulful joy, It was something to look forward to...to hold, to take care, but you disappeared
...Left me broken and isolated, empty thoughts and painful feeling. My heart aches by the thought of what you'd be like, the change and the reason for me to stay alive.
I needed a reason so bad...and there you were. I was sparked with excitement, It lasted for precious moments. It is still so unclear, I yelled and scream behind close doors so no one will hear.
I exhausted all my strength as the pain was impossible to bear. I'm now just a remainder of nothing. You just slowly disappeared
I was a vessel who once carried my voyages' hardships
as I head back through your euphoric shores;
you were my comfort zone whenever I get tired
of wandering the oceans of depression;
but still--you decided to abandon my ship.
As I set myself back to sail and wander the deep blue,
I never knew my own home was the monstrous
waves who keeps me struggling every day and end;
Still I kept myself sailing and let the wind carry me
somewhere else away from your coast.
As I scrubbed my hands,
I stopped to look at the mirror.
It was quite some time
Before I realized it.
I rinsed my hands off.
I returned to that mirror.
Who was that staring back?
Was that truly me?
I bent closer to it,
Searching for something recognizable.
A tear painted my cheek.
Who was that thing?
It was a monster.
I tried to make kill it,
But it bathed in destruction.
It felt no shame,
For what it had done,
Was beautifully destructive.
But it could not feel it.
None of the guilt was its own.
That divide separated them,
But they were not two.
They desperately desired
To be two, separated,
But they must coexist.
They battle everyday.
Barely, I maintain control.
However, there will be a day,
A day that I will lose.
That day will be a tragic one for everyone.