2. How when getting through a doorway, there exists a proportion among forgetting something, a change of focus, a cobweb of plans within bigger plans - a mise en abyme.
3. How when he squeezed my right breast, I knew he didn't want my heart.
4. How when he let only our fingertips touch and not our palms, I knew that we were only supposed to be on the tip of something, that our palms have lines embedded on them since we were born and to not let these lines get in the way of each other.
5. How when I pulled his face with both hands and kissed him, he did not open his mouth. Kissing was too personal, anyway when he was just being a guy who can cede then claim that I am his cousin in a jiffy. It's when either Relation, Repulsion, or Reservation get in the way.
Why do I choose darkness over light?
Is it that my brain is wired like that?
Is there actually so called darkness as my mind serves.
why is that my thoughts preoccupies over my mind and heart.
I see, hear nothing but a cry.
I have forgotten what happiness is as the days passes by,
And I'm entangled with my thoughts deserted not to be seen or heard.
At the end I isolate myself so that no one finds me!
Its enough for now, me and my thoughts
please choose different pathways
Its hard for me to be like that
crying out for help but in silence!
i've been breathing deeper,
caring more, loving harder,
smiling for the sake of smiling.
i've been losing sleep,
crying when you're not around,
getting high to block it all out.
i've been realizing this isn't easy.
exhausted after eight hours of sleep
spent in nightmares of lone times,
days spent fighting fatigue brought
on by the thought of your skin on
if i could tell you i would
I saw the sun was setting late today; still up at 6:22. When I looked up from my phone, it was already dark. What did you have this morning? A cup of white coffee. Ate anything? At an airport, I had two burger steaks with mushrooms and pineapple juice while he had two fried chicken and Sprite - both with rice. He asked me if I wanted some of his chicken, but I offered him to taste my burger steak. He said just a little, and I put some on his plate. He told me it was good. Was it really good?
Maybe about as good as a ride I just had - bumpy, slithery sides and wet clothes. He remembered only the two of us had gotten soaked in the ride at the amusement park. Lucky were we, he said coolly. Somehow I tasted the glory that I liked.
I succumbed deeper into his cotton shirt and gripped on the metal of his belt. Somebody called my name. I stopped unfinished and made myself prim and proper.
Unfinished, so the other night we fumbled under my woolish pink blanket that my ex and I used to share. O to vanish into the night and lose sight.
But he's preoccupied with a fine line, glass walls as he called them - between us - where he can see me, and I him - that he would be there when I needed him.
Somehow I banged on the glass walls; splinters were what I got and to the other side they went, too. Did they ever hit him?
Let it be only my flesh into which the splinters crash, I begged.
He cared about me, but he, the sensible and practical, said that I was all the way over the other side.
For the wounds that I had, woe unto the blood oozing; also, the big blue marble where the kind of glass exists in.
Tell me, how do you see me through the glass walls? He says, I want to be fair to you. I want you to be taken care of and to have somebody give you the best.
I rallied inside my head, I touched your skin more than once, and it feels good to me. Please love, let it be your skin that separates us from each other.
And as he plays his finger through the ripped part of my jeans while eating breakfast, somehow everything was over. He left riding an airplane. Too late. Too late for me to try to break his walls and sit with him in silence... to turn the silly love songs low until we can decide if they ever applied to us. Last night as I held his face with both hands, as a deer kissed by a lion, he moved away.
I lost control. He defined everything that happened as surprising and sudden - in the moment and exciting. I call it resolved. I'm still his.
Oral rape joke is that I wanted to come over
The oral rape joke is his bed that I agreed to lay in
The oral rape joke is I was the one who wanted to make out
The oral rape joke is whatever we call it was finished
My mind filled with guilt
It takes a society to tell a rape joke
The oral rape joke is his neck that I shouldn't have kissed
The oral rape joke is this has happened before with someone else
The oral rape joke is I am still friends with that someone else
The oral rape joke is that I never broke up with the second guy
The oral rape joke is that even with my mind filled with guilt
And my stomach turning with sickness
I still wanted him forever
The oral rape joke is I should have pushed him off
Rape jokes make me wanna just die
The oral rape joke is he got to break up with me the night after
The oral rape joke is he got to start dating another girl
The oral rape joke is he didn't have to feel the guilt
The oral rape joke is he's happy
The oral rape joke is because I didn't leave I'm not allowed to be traumatized from it
The oral rape joke is because I talk about it like it was nothing
I must have wanted to do it
Of course I don't cry myself to sleep at night thinking about it or anything
No I totally didn't hurt myself over it or anything
The oral rape joke is I should have went home
The oral rape joke is I'm the one who kept kissing him even tho he kept trying to do something I was not comfortable with
The oral rape joke is the questions
Why didn't I say no louder?
And why didn't I say no more clearly?
Even tho I said it 5 times
I should have said it again
The oral rape joke is when I got home I acted like it never happened
The oral rape joke is that it was my fault
The oral rape joke is I didn't leave him
My doors are embodied with your scent
and everlasting memories;
But one thing is for sure that I
will never forget:
It's when you left me alone
at my room and made me
fell into your gentle ruins.
if ever you wanted to sneak into my zone
right exactly where you had left me,
My doors are always open for you
to come in anytime.
Feel free to tiptoe around my comfort zone,
Feel free to lay beside me,
Feel free to ruin my chest,
or my life,
or even my door.
But know that you were the last person to touch my doorknobs.
Last night I thought about calling you.
I wanted to tell you how much better I'm doing now.
How I'm meeting new people and venturing to new places -
But I'd enjoy it much more with you still by my side.
I wanted to tell you that I'm so glad you're better now,
that you deserve to be happy, but you already know that.
Last night I thought about telling you that I relapsed the other day.
I know it sounds hypocritical, but I'm trying.
And I'm only trying for you.
I wanted to be brave, and say that I'm still so lost without you.
That my life is only bleak and bitter. That I wish you were still here.
But today you were with somebody else.
Someone so much prettier than me.
Someone skinny, someone with a broad smile - One that isn't fake.
Laughing over pints of beer I imagine as you tuck your hair behind your ears.
And you with chuckle as you look down to the floor,
you will blush and you will grin.
To tell the truth, she is so lucky because its the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Recent lover, you're no more.
And I understand you needed to move on.
But I'm struggling so much and I only wish you could help me push on.
Speak quietly to me and brush my hair out of my face,
kiss my forehead like you used to and tell me I'm not a complete waste.
Cradle me like the child I am on the inside and wish me sweet dreams.
Give me piggy backs as we run through fields of flowers,
like we used to.
Dance till early morning with me as we sing until sunrise. It's the only dawns chorus that I need.
And just love me so tenderly, please just love me so pure.
No one will need you like I do, you're the only one I adore.
Recent lover, I'm glad you're happy - But I still wish you were with me.
I'm leaving now, I cant bear to see you're adventure continue without me. I hope she treats you well like you deserve. I hope she gives you that feeling that you always yurned. And I will pull myself along gravel and dirt to the side of the road. Bury myself under the rubble,
Because loneliness is my only home.
I looked in the mirror this morning
but I swear I didn’t see anybody
There was a body but no one to fill it
Flesh and blood set on auto pilot
aimed for six feet under;
Black rings wrapped around my eyes
with a straight face
I Plunder to get to the shower.
Semi-awake to fill up empty space.
Because getting out bed is relentless,
I do it every day like clockwork,
but every time it gets a little harder.
Like someone adding weights to my hour hands
'Till one day I won’t get up.
I can barely make it to 9 O’clock
… in the morning
I look at the sun and start mourning
Because it means I must heave myself
Out of bed and pretend that I am living,
When my bed knows otherwise.
It’s smarter than I because it knows to lay still
And let the world pass by.
Humans are supposed to fake it 'till we make it,
But all I want to do is make my bed
So, I can go back to sleep and let the world pass by.
Sure, I’m a stand-up guy
But I probably only held the door for you
Because I fell asleep on the way out.
And if you say thank you
it will remind me to wake up
and keep me pretending to live.
No doubt I fall asleep all the time.
People think I have bad hearing
But I’m just sleeping with my eyes open.
If I don’t respond just give me a little nudge
And repeat everything you just said.
I’m not deaf … or dead yet.
I just can’t keep my mind open
For too long before the demons crawl out.
Thus, I fall asleep and fight in dreams
To wake up to your next sentence
More exhausted than the last.
It’s not my fault
I’m just a little bit dead
And a little bit sleepy