I’m not sure I’m made to bear the weight of living

I thought love might ease the pain
But now it only causes further heartbreak

I feel so lost all the time
My mind wanders in and out of consciousness
And my heart feels cold

My medicine keeps me going
I complete the tasks I know I must do
but I’ve lost my passion, now replaced with fatigue

I wait for each day to end
And when it does I miss the sun

Will I ever find my light again?

I wrote out my trauma
like a letter for someone else

I’m not sure why,
but I needed it to be seen

To be heard

Something that always confused me
was why I could never talk about those things

For some reason
saying what needs to be said
wasn’t welcome in my home

I’m learning to love the parts of myself I used to hate.
I force myself to relive my regrets, to relive my pain.
I see each memory with fresh eyes, softening my gaze so I can not judge.

It still hurts to see what I wish I could reverse
When I couldn’t see past my delusions
I hurt so many people that I loved

I can not undo what had to be done
Fate wanted my heart to go on a journey.

I am thankful for the heartache, the loss
it taught me to accept my whole self

I had to first become who I am not
To find who I am.

I used to wish to stop the world with one look,
to make my mark.

Now I just want to curl up with a good book.

Dear dad,

There are so many things I wish I could say to you

but I know you would never listen

I wish I could tell you how your decisions affected my childhood
How your rage left me afraid
How your wives stole my confidence
How your step children stole my innocence

How your negligence made us feel so alone
How I still have dreams that I’m trapped in your house.

How can you not recognize the pain you caused?

How can you not see the scars on me?

I shouldn’t have to remind you of your atrocities
So many wrongs you never acknowledged
Your actions never matched your words

I used to hope you’d get better

but you never did

I gave up on you

but the pain still burns in my heart

For the father I never had

For the dad I wanted so badly

And for the monster I had instead

A naive little girl
believed someone would come to save her

Late nights hiding away in her bedroom
she dreamed of a life far away from here

The movies she watched always had a hero
So where was hers?

I’m sorry I could not heal the boy that you were,
but I am not responsible for your scars.

Leaves fall onto dirt floors
Autumn winds smell of fresh air and the cold

Thunderstorms rage asking for war
Trees turn bare; naked, yet bold

The skies turn a clear blue that I adore
And the child, not yet grown up, feels old

Wandering in and out of what could be

I used to fear a missed opportunity

Now I’m thankful for what I lost
Despite the pain,
I grew into who I am.

I noticed I stopped being so judgmental

Maybe because I have become more human



                         and in doing so


          I have understood what being human is.


   I am flawed

                                               I make mistakes

      And

                                     I learn

                                                    
                       I improve

        I love

                                                              I hurt

                      And

    
                                  I try again.

Yesterday I noticed a few blonde hairs mixed in my chestnut brown hair

They blend in until I looked closer
Little strands barely there

They reminded me of when when I was a child

Sunny hair and a freckled face
Bright blue eyes and an always smile
Big front teeth and rosy pink lips

I forget what it felt like to have blonde hair
I forgot what it was to feel free

I know my childhood was not all smiles
Mostly rainy days and hiding away

But I cherish the moments when the sun came out
And I laid in the dewy grass talking to the trees

I remember now how I loved my blonde hair
That glowed under the shining stars

I remember now how I smiled when I looked in the mirror
Loving my reflection, my whole self

Now as I stare at those few blonde hairs
I remember how beautiful I can be
I remember the child that still lives within me

I hope she never leaves

Swirling around us
Thoughts of tomorrow

Until
We’re pulled in
Sharing our energies
This is synergy

The boy made of wax
Lit now and melting fast
Lost in your eyes
My hand in yours
Contrast

Take me to your starless sea
I want to know you
Endlessly

Squinting only to see you in focus
Every so often I look at your face
Admiring what I have
Staying over at your place

Warm skin and soft lips
Let’s stay forever in this moment
Lost in space and time
Lemon boy and me

I read a poem you wrote
Titled ‘Trees’

My stomach fluttering every-time I feel your touch
Holding me so close
Until I can’t breathe

So close but not enough
Tangled up in my sleeves

“My eyes are just brown”
But so much more

Purple gaze with a starlight haze

Moonlight can only account for some

The sun comes up
Sweeping over our faces
Deep brown and see-through

I could be blue?

But not with you.

Rosy cheeks and big smiles

Even when my blush fades
My smile starts to go-away
And your rain cloud re-appears
Dimming your energy
You hear your fears

I’ll still find some butterflies
Just for you and I

My eyes can’t lie

No matter how much I try.

Kept in a jar and saved until now
Letting them free
Every time I see you once more

open the door.

There they are again
Flying so sweetly
I’ll save a few more
for next time

Butterflies in my hair
Butterflies everywhere

I’m
Intertwined
With you
Without a care
Holding my heart
Please don’t let it tear.

Butterflies in my heart
And in my mind
Changing my perspective
Re-defined

Faint memories
Of the happiest moments of my childhood

Swinging was my favorite

I liked to wander in the grassy fields
Catch a few butterflies
Freeze when I saw
The bees

Soft walks home
With my too-big backpack
My little body
Minuscule in comparison
I remember it felt as if it weighed a ton

Silly talks
And lots of giggles

Science projects

That I hated
All I got was a participation award.

Still I
explored
Found a way into the trees
Biked around town
No fear
Just making my rounds

I even won a few spelling bees
Nothing big just the 4th and 5th grade
Categories

I memorized the words
With no understanding
No wonder I never made it very far

Nature acted as my mother
I found my home in the twisted branches of old oaks
The dead leaves and crab apples
invokes
Comfort

I slept under the stars
And counted them too

Stayed up all night
So I wouldn’t have to say goodbye
just greet the new day
And wish for night once more

Watching the sunrise
With a content sigh

A warm embrace
Or so they thought

Warm at first
Then it got hot

Piles of blankets
Suddenly smothering
Stuck inside
Until you
Die

I want to leave
But I like the pain
Forgetting the hurt
What goes on in my brain.

I found a way out
Though a little late

Turns out the door was always open
I just didn’t check the lock

Stepping out onto green grass
Reminds me of an old poem I wrote

The first steps take a while
My feet are cold
But I try and smile

After what feels like forever
I look up
And I’m not alone anymore
My heart
Will not
Feel
Sore

That old door
That I thought was locked

Has disappeared.

I won’t go back
To the place I thought was home
For now I know what love is

I am Sophie
I am Max
I am an artist

Monster boy is facing the real world for the first time
Turns out he’s doing okay
And he can still rhyme.

Wonder what adventures will come next
Sophie doesn’t know
And neither does Max

But they’re excited
For the trek.

No longer perplexed.

Green grass probes my feet, wrinkling my    
nose
A blue sky lets my eyelids grow heavy      
  longing for rest
Cars swish by
Dusty wheels turn on and on
Old roads never end

Innocence is lost
in my hasty decisions

I regret every step I took

but the past cannot be undone
the steps are already made

it will never be the same.

Ugly and deformed I am beheaded
by the better version of me.

Before I knew of my sins.

Before I knew of my shame.

Dear lemon boy,

I heard you’re writing about me
Be careful
You’re making me feel special

Once I’m stuck I have a hard time letting go
I think I’m falling?

****

Oh no.

I don’t mind I’m just scared of getting hurt
I hope it won’t and I hope you care

Why is there so much love in the air?

The skeptic in me is in awe

You showed up when I was least expecting
And now I can’t seem to let you go

I hope that’s okay
Save this for a rainy day

Hello death,

I am not afraid of you,
Many are
But I see through you

The facade of what life beyond death truly is
How can anyone know?

False prophets
The drinking of fine wines

I wonder what’s true
And I wonders what is lies

My summer home

My get away

Sometimes I talk too much
Social cues not there

Mind somewhere?

Thank you for grounding me

I like it when you hold me
It reminds me
Of my purpose

Your words are confusing
But I like your soft tone

Sweet and understanding

Two boys on their thrones

You’re sleeping next to me right now
Your snoring woke me up
It’s okay though
I like it when your body is quiet

Mask off
The real you
See-through

Just like me

It’s hard when everything’s confusing
But you remind me to be smart

Look Tim (my therapist)
I’m doing art!!

I’ve been taking such good care
But sometimes I forget myself

I forgot to eat enough today
It’s okay
Tomorrow I’ll remember
Just another day
In
December

I thought I would write again to help me fall asleep

I took my final today and got an A
It was easy but it’s still something so yay

Im working on staying positive
And when the depressive hits
I let it sit and feel it fully
No more pushing the waves down
No more hiding my frown.

I read a book that reminded me of you

It reminded me of the days I wished to find a way out
To go through a door that would lead me somewhere else
somewhere better

I never found that door

And you never got better

I wish you had

Your brown eyes softly stare
into my starless sea

My endless story
You listen, no urgency

I hear your heart beat as I lay on your chest
I count the beats,
until my eyes give in to rest

I’ll hold your hand so you can fall asleep
I’ll visit you in your dreams
My heart is yours to keep

My mirror looks back at me.

Sometimes I ignore it
Other times I stare

Green eyes are all I see.

I tap the glass
Only to fall in
For eternity

Slipping through

R

         e
  
              A
                  
                   L
                      
                      i

                      T

                    y

I tap the glass again
There’s someone else
Not me?

‘To be or not to be’

The question unanswered

Eventually my stare falters
Thrown off by fears

My face remains a mystery

My body warping as
A light flickers
—————————-
I tap once more
The glass
shatters.

A million knives in skin that doesn’t feel like mine

Smiling through the pain
It’s a flaw in my design

For when I’m bleeding
I forget the warped image in the mirror

Instead I feel free
I disappear
So happily.

a little cat
sprawled out on the windowsill
gray splotches scatter her coat
a kiss of gold brushes her nose

a soft purr
grumbles

stretching her whole body she yawns, flashing her wicked grin

there her dusty green eyes flicker
as they draw to a close

Can I escape ?

The guard laughs

I swallow hard,
a shiver travels all the way up my spine

Can I bear this weight forever ?
Or will I inevitably face my own doom?

I did not choose the bars from which I lie behind,
and yet now I sit staring at them.

They stare back at me and I am finally able to see;

I will not escape.
For my very prison,

is me.

Every time I lose my footing
I fall down and cry
Just like a little girl, tripping over her own feet.

I am older now but my tears never waver.
They well up in my eyes, I can not hold them back.
My anxieties overwhelm my thoughts
My eyes only see my failures

I am thankful that you watch me
even when I hide my face
You ask me what is wrong
even when I cannot speak

As tears run down my face you hold me close
You tell me you won’t ever let me go

You withstand my storms
and wake me from my nightmares
You listen to me, my fears and all
and calm my frenzied mind

My emotions are unstable.
Although I try so hard to function
I can not always

You told me you love me just how I am
and appreciate every flaw
You tell me I am more than I see
and that you’ll never leave me behind.

As a child I listened for small voices

Little footsteps and mini hand prints

Night light left on
To welcome the visitors

They never said hello

I guess I’ll never know….

When you feel far away
I muster up a memory from long ago

The last time I held you or felt your touch
The last time I slept by your side
When you told me “i love you so much”

When I can’t feel you I hold on to what you left
A too big sweatshirt that still smells like you
Is my only comfort

I can’t quite describe the smell
A mix of smoke and fresh laundry transport my mind to images of you
Your smile so big, your eyes sparkling

I suppose I’m a bit like fate and you’re a bit like time
We are the same
Twin flame?

Fate cannot choose what it wants
It rides the waves and attempts to guess

Time decides it’s every move
Careful planning
Striving to improve

We admire our differences
A perfect disharmony

A sprinkle of logic
And a heaping of chaos

We meet in the middle
But never further

For we’re still independent
The participant and the observer

What does it mean to be truly free?

I am not sure.

I know that I am not free, that I may never be.

But I am more free than others

Why does the government decide my freedom for me?

Why can’t I help those dying across the sea?

Why do they decide who I can be?

I’m not sure I’ll ever know true freedom
while living under this system

But I’m not sure how to escape, how to truly be me

Every so often

I am haunted

My mind betrays my eyes
And once again I’m looking out of a window  
trapped inside a brick house

The ghosts that follow me
Remind me of each moment
That I wish I could forget  

Those around me never see
How my eyes go dim
and my smile fades

my ghosts surround me
threatening to suffocate
They appear in my dreams

no escape.

Lemon boy

Tuesdays on my mind
Walking through my brain
I feel insane

Are you thinking of me?
I can feel it
Your manifestations are immense
But I’m intense
Are you ready to handle me?
I’m not sure
I’m a witch and a bit of a *****
Biking isn’t always so easy
When you’re climbing uphill

I don’t need your protection
I just need your energy
But I still want to hold your hand
I’m in a girl band

I think we have synergy ?

You’re the Tyler to my creator
I’m the Thumbalina to your daddy issues

I’ve been listening to my instincts
Watching the signs and feeling my tics

They’re pointing to you
I guess it’s a clue?

I’m trying hard to show you,
What we can be
Will you accept or will you disagree?

Honestly whichever is ok
I just wanna stay around you

Hope you do too?

Did you you know I’m a Hufflepuff
I think you’re a Slytherin

You’ve got the brains, I’ve got the sass
Not to mention a pretty good ***

Keep trying with me
I know it’s tiring

But you’re breaking down walls
And it’s exciting

I’m enjoying this
Whatever it is

Is that ok?

I don’t see the issue
But let me know if you can’t handle it

One hand on my ****
The other on my neck

That’s right I’m freaky
Let’s get *****

I don’t want to ruin this but I don’t think that’s possible
You kinda make my heart feel full

I’m not used to this, this fast
But with you it feels like a blast

I still need breaks and late night walks
But if you wanna come along I don’t mind
Never know what you might find?

I keep thinking I’m done
But turns out I’ve just begun

Didn’t want love but it wanted me
You’re nice and I like your face
Do you like mine?

I know I’m a bit clueless
It might appear foolish

But I’m actually pretty cool
Let’s ride the waves
One day at time
Till the end of this rhyme

I’m not done yet
Almost there but not quite

Hold my hand when I need it
But don’t hold me back

The Ari to my Miller
My psychological thriller

It’s scary but good
Scary good?

I know what it’s like to deal with ****
I can take it but I don’t like it

Time to evacuate
Separate from the past
And start moving on
If you wanna come along,
I don’t mind

I see you’re hurting
I don’t mind learning
I’m a good listener

You’ve grown I can tell
But so have I
Let’s keep growing together?

……………………………………………

What a cruel world we live in

With you it doesn’t feel so bad
Why are you so sad?

It’s quite funny to break the rules

Whether it’s through lyrics
or rhymes

Art is art despite the flaws

Stop making so many laws

Looking into your eyes
I feel at home

You make me feel whole
When I lose myself

You give me a smile
Even on bad days

Thank you for being
My hide-away

Little cottage
In my dreams

Wait for me…

Under the stars

Large windows letting in the breeze
A vast garden
Some willow trees

Sunny days
And some spots of shade
The nights may be dark
But I am not afraid

A few squirrels
And a little cat

So fluffy you might think it’s fat

Me and my someone
Spending our days there
Just us, the trees, and the quiet air….

I am a book
worn out and torn
read so many times the pages are creased
many have heard my story
few have read it all
but each word is meant for me
to speak before I fall

I am so in love with you
that I am afraid to lose you.
My heart races each time I think of what might happen.

A car crash? A fire? A police officer holding too much power?
How can I let you out of my sight when so many things threaten our happiness.

I am so afraid of loosing you
I think because I've lost so many.
Not through death, but through neglect, through years waiting to feel the love I thought they would give.

I am so afraid of loosing you because for the first time something is mine. Something that is so perfect and warm. Something I thought I might never find.

I am so afraid of loosing you.

Please don't leave me.

I find myself in your gaze

I see all that I can be while you hold my hand

Every touch grants a new vision

Of the life I wish to live

Laying next to you I dream of our future

I know that we are different

Our personalities align

but when we walk down the street holding hands, it’s not me they’re staring at.

I wonder about the things my ancestors did that I cannot undo,
I’m afraid to know.

I wonder how yours suffered because of mine

So much hate runs in my family line

I cannot undo it, I cannot take away the fear you feel when it’s getting dark and we’re in a small town in Oklahoma.

I cannot feel what it’s like to be painfully observant of your surroundings, carefully watching those around just in case

I cannot take the burden off your shoulders that rests so heavily

But

I can hold your hand.

When they stare at you I will hold you tighter

When your eyes grow tired and your shoulders weary I can help you rest your head

When you feel distant and remember the things you don’t speak about, I will listen..

..to your words and your eyes, turning purple in the light as you look back into your self.

When you are unsure of yourself in a corporate world not made for you, I will take your hand in mine and encourage you to step forward

Even when you are alone I will stand with you and love you wholly

I cannot change what has been done
I cannot take away your burden
But I can help you bear it if you’d like
I’ll hold your hand so tight!!

I know I like to talk
But for you my sentence stops
For you I will listen to your mind, your heart, and your soul
I will hear what is said and what is unspoken
and I’ll take it all in, in silence
So I might hold your sorrows and feel your pain and laugh with you when you feel joy and cry when you cannot find tears.

I know that we are different

But I will always hold your hand

Sometimes my eyes cloud with anxiety
Everything feels so imperfect
I try and connect with you but I’m in another world.

Sometimes you are lost in your thoughts
silent and observing
I told you I need attention, but you cannot always provide it.

Our insecurities manifest themselves
into our thoughts

Even on those distant days where I am sad and you are far away
I remind myself that my feelings are not always what they seem

I pick myself back up and learn to breathe on my own
So I can hold your hand again and you can let your thoughts be known.

Turns out monster boy has issues

Some of them make sense
Some don’t.
They’re learning.

Gears are turning.

I’m not special needs I just have some disabilities

See me for who I am
Not for my weakness’

I thought you should know
What I notice about you.

You pull me close when you notice I’m quiet
and when I’m too loud you let me shout.
You rub my back and stroke my hair
even when your eyes are tired.
You drive for me when I’ve been smoking
and tuck me in to bed.
You breathe for me when my lungs stop working
and hold up my head.
You wipe my teary eyes with your hands
and remind me who I am
You give yourself to me despite your fears
“I’ll love you forever” you whisper in my ears.
I’m so thankful that you’re in my life
I hope to never leave your side.

Piece by piece you took me apart

Beginning with my sanity,

then my loved ones

I watched as you took them away

Next my thoughts, no longer my own

Piece by piece you robbed me of myself

I looked in the mirror but saw someone else

Who had I become?

What have you done?

I began to collect each piece you stole

I gathered them up and arranged them like so

First my lungs so I could breathe

Next, my eyes to see, more clearly

Then my hands to hold on to theirs,
I couldn’t do it alone.

I may have put myself back together

But I am not who I was.

I waved goodbye to the self that I once knew,

To welcome the one that knows my weaknesses

Broken to the point of no return

Built back up to be who I am.