I’m learning to love the parts of myself I used to hate.
I force myself to relive my regrets, to relive my pain.
I see each memory with fresh eyes, softening my gaze so I can not judge.

It still hurts to see what I wish I could reverse
When I couldn’t see past my delusions
I hurt so many people that I loved

I can not undo what had to be done
Fate wanted my heart to go on a journey.

I am thankful for the heartache, the loss
it taught me to accept my whole self

I had to first become who I am not
To find who I am.

I used to wish to stop the world with one look,
to make my mark.

Now I just want to curl up with a good book.

A naive little girl
believed someone would come to save her

Late nights hiding away in her bedroom
she dreamed of a life far away from here

The movies she watched always had a hero
So where was hers?

I have to let go of you

I have to leave behind the anchors tied to my ankles

I can’t drag them any farther

I can’t let them hold me back

Any more

I’m sorry I could not heal the boy that you were,
but I am not responsible for your scars.

I don’t have time for senseless scribbles written by arrogant men, hailed as classics

But I’ll spend hours pondering a sentence written by the most somber silent woman,

I’ll listen to hear her quiet voice

Leaves fall onto dirt floors
Autumn winds smell of fresh air and the cold

Thunderstorms rage asking for war
Trees turn bare; naked, yet bold

The skies turn a clear blue that I adore
And the child, not yet grown up, feels old

Wandering in and out of what could be

I used to fear a missed opportunity

Now I’m thankful for what I lost
Despite the pain,
I grew into who I am.

My story is becoming

I feel it in the wind

It beckons to my soft heart

And aches within my soul

My story is becoming

I see it in my pen

The way words form together

The way that they begin

My story is becoming

So listen for its whisper

I hear it quietly yearning

It waits for me to answer

My story is becoming

Though I don’t yet know what I will write

I know that it is forming

Beyond my very sight.

I noticed I stopped being so judgmental

Maybe because I have become more human



                         and in doing so


          I have understood what being human is.


   I am flawed

                                               I make mistakes

      And

                                     I learn

                                                    
                       I improve

        I love

                                                              I hurt

                      And

    
                                  I try again.

Yesterday I noticed a few blonde hairs mixed in my chestnut brown hair

They blend in until I looked closer
Little strands barely there

They reminded me of when when I was a child

Sunny hair and a freckled face
Bright blue eyes and an always smile
Big front teeth and rosy pink lips

I forget what it felt like to have blonde hair
I forgot what it was to feel free

I know my childhood was not all smiles
Mostly rainy days and hiding away

But I cherish the moments when the sun came out
And I laid in the dewy grass talking to the trees

I remember now how I loved my blonde hair
That glowed under the shining stars

I remember now how I smiled when I looked in the mirror
Loving my reflection, my whole self

Now as I stare at those few blonde hairs
I remember how beautiful I can be
I remember the child that still lives within me

I hope she never leaves

I feel as if darkness is falling upon the world
A darkness that is not seen but felt
A pain that destroys peace
That hates love
Why are we so bound for destruction?

Every tree gone, every field mined for oil
Children buried under rubble
Do you feel the darkness there? Do you feel it now?

I have no words to describe this
Mother Earth is dying and so are we
While they sit in their towers
Endlessly counting
Blood money

Oh to be loved by you

How could I ever be blue?

When you love me, how you do

Swirling around us
Thoughts of tomorrow

Until
We’re pulled in
Sharing our energies
This is synergy

The boy made of wax
Lit now and melting fast
Lost in your eyes
My hand in yours
Contrast

Take me to your starless sea
I want to know you
Endlessly

Squinting only to see you in focus
Every so often I look at your face
Admiring what I have
Staying over at your place

Warm skin and soft lips
Let’s stay forever in this moment
Lost in space and time
Lemon boy and me

I read a poem you wrote
Titled ‘Trees’

My stomach fluttering every-time I feel your touch
Holding me so close
Until I can’t breathe

So close but not enough
Tangled up in my sleeves

“My eyes are just brown”
But so much more

Purple gaze with a starlight haze

Moonlight can only account for some

The sun comes up
Sweeping over our faces
Deep brown and see-through

I could be blue?

But not with you.

Rosy cheeks and big smiles

Even when my blush fades
My smile starts to go-away
And your rain cloud re-appears
Dimming your energy
You hear your fears

I’ll still find some butterflies
Just for you and I

My eyes can’t lie

No matter how much I try.

Kept in a jar and saved until now
Letting them free
Every time I see you once more

open the door.

There they are again
Flying so sweetly
I’ll save a few more
for next time

Butterflies in my hair
Butterflies everywhere

I’m
Intertwined
With you
Without a care
Holding my heart
Please don’t let it tear.

Butterflies in my heart
And in my mind
Changing my perspective
Re-defined

Faint memories
Of the happiest moments of my childhood

Swinging was my favorite

I liked to wander in the grassy fields
Catch a few butterflies
Freeze when I saw
The bees

Soft walks home
With my too-big backpack
My little body
Minuscule in comparison
I remember it felt as if it weighed a ton

Silly talks
And lots of giggles

Science projects

That I hated
All I got was a participation award.

Still I
explored
Found a way into the trees
Biked around town
No fear
Just making my rounds

I even won a few spelling bees
Nothing big just the 4th and 5th grade
Categories

I memorized the words
With no understanding
No wonder I never made it very far

Nature acted as my mother
I found my home in the twisted branches of old oaks
The dead leaves and crab apples
invokes
Comfort

I slept under the stars
And counted them too

Stayed up all night
So I wouldn’t have to say goodbye
just greet the new day
And wish for night once more

Watching the sunrise
With a content sigh

Green grass probes my feet, wrinkling my    
nose
A blue sky lets my eyelids grow heavy      
  longing for rest
Cars swish by
Dusty wheels turn on and on
Old roads never end

Innocence is lost
in my hasty decisions

I regret every step I took

but the past cannot be undone
the steps are already made

it will never be the same.

Ugly and deformed I am beheaded
by the better version of me.

Before I knew of my sins.

Before I knew of my shame.

Hello death,

I am not afraid of you,
Many are
But I see through you

The facade of what life beyond death truly is
How can anyone know?

False prophets
The drinking of fine wines

I wonder what’s true
And I wonder what is lies

My summer home

My get away

Sometimes I talk too much
Social cues not there

Mind somewhere?

Thank you for grounding me

I like it when you hold me
It reminds me
Of my purpose

Your words are confusing
But I like your soft tone

Sweet and understanding

Two boys on their thrones

You’re sleeping next to me right now
Your snoring woke me up
It’s okay though
I like it when your body is quiet

Mask off
The real you
See-through

Just like me

It’s hard when everything’s confusing
But you remind me to be smart

Look Tim (my therapist)
I’m doing art!!

I’ve been taking such good care
But sometimes I forget myself

I forgot to eat enough today
It’s okay
Tomorrow I’ll remember
Just another day
In
December

How to gain the confidence to complete a simple task?

I thought I would write again to help me fall asleep

I took my final today and got an A
It was easy but it’s still something so yay

Im working on staying positive
And when the depressive hits
I let it sit and feel it fully
No more pushing the waves down
No more hiding my frown.

I read a book that reminded me of you

It reminded me of the days I wished to find a way out
To go through a door that would lead me somewhere else
somewhere better

I never found that door

And you never got better

I wish you had

Your brown eyes softly stare
into my starless sea

My endless story
You listen, no urgency

I hear your heart beat as I lay on your chest
I count the beats,
until my eyes give in to rest

I’ll hold your hand so you can fall asleep
I’ll visit you in your dreams
My heart is yours to keep

a little cat
sprawled out on the windowsill
gray splotches scatter her coat
a kiss of gold brushes her nose

a soft purr
grumbles

stretching her whole body she yawns, flashing her wicked grin

there her dusty green eyes flicker
as they draw to a close

Can I escape ?

The guard laughs

I swallow hard,
a shiver travels all the way up my spine

Can I bear this weight forever ?
Or will I inevitably face my own doom?

I did not choose the bars from which I lie behind,
and yet now I sit staring at them.

They stare back at me and I am finally able to see;

I will not escape.
For my very prison,

is me.

Every time I lose my footing
I fall down and cry
Just like a little girl, tripping over her own feet.

I am older now but my tears never waver.
They well up in my eyes, I can not hold them back.
My anxieties overwhelm my thoughts
My eyes only see my failures

I am thankful that you watch me
even when I hide my face
You ask me what is wrong
even when I cannot speak

As tears run down my face you hold me close
You tell me you won’t ever let me go

You withstand my storms
and wake me from my nightmares
You listen to me, my fears and all
and calm my frenzied mind

My emotions are unstable.
Although I try so hard to function
I can not always

You told me you love me just how I am
and appreciate every flaw
You tell me I am more than I see
and that you’ll never leave me behind.

As a child I listened for small voices

Little footsteps and mini hand prints

Night light left on
To welcome the visitors

They never said hello

I guess I’ll never know….

I went outside to look at the meteor shower

The sky was grey and foggy
The air was damp and cold

I tried to see the falling stars
But could only see the grey white sky

I wonder how many showers I’ve missed because of a stormy sky

I wonder how many falling stars I could’ve wished on

When you feel far away
I muster up a memory from long ago

The last time I held you or felt your touch
The last time I slept by your side
When you told me “i love you so much”

When I can’t feel you I hold on to what you left
A too big sweatshirt that still smells like you
Is my only comfort

I can’t quite describe the smell
A mix of smoke and fresh laundry transport my mind to images of you
Your smile so big, your eyes sparkling

I suppose I’m a bit like fate and you’re a bit like time
We are the same
Twin flame?

Fate cannot choose what it wants
It rides the waves and attempts to guess

Time decides it’s every move
Careful planning
Striving to improve

We admire our differences
A perfect disharmony

A sprinkle of logic
And a heaping of chaos

We meet in the middle
But never further

For we’re still independent
The participant and the observer

What does it mean to be truly free?

I am not sure.

I know that I am not free, that I may never be.

But I am more free than others

Why does the government decide my freedom for me?

Why can’t I help those dying across the sea?

Why do they decide who I can be?

I’m not sure I’ll ever know true freedom
while living under this system

But I’m not sure how to escape, how to truly be me

Every so often

I am haunted

My mind betrays my eyes
And once again I’m looking out of a window  
trapped inside a brick house

The ghosts that follow me
Remind me of each moment
That I wish I could forget  

Those around me never see
How my eyes go dim
and my smile fades

my ghosts surround me
threatening to suffocate
They appear in my dreams

no escape.

Looking into your eyes
I feel at home

You make me feel whole
When I lose myself

You give me a smile
Even on bad days

Thank you for being
My hide-away

Little cottage
In my dreams

Wait for me…

Under the stars

Large windows letting in the breeze
A vast garden
Some willow trees

Sunny days
And some spots of shade
The nights may be dark
But I am not afraid

A few squirrels
And a little cat

So fluffy you might think it’s fat

Me and my someone
Spending our days there
Just us, the trees, and the quiet air….

A stolen childhood is irreplaceable

Lost in the fuzzy static of camcorders

I am a book
worn out and torn
read so many times the pages are creased
many have heard my story
few have read it all
but each word is meant for me
to speak before I fall

I am so in love with you
that I am afraid to lose you.
My heart races each time I think of what might happen.

A car crash? A fire? A police officer holding too much power?
How can I let you out of my sight when so many things threaten our happiness.

I am so afraid of loosing you
I think because I've lost so many.
Not through death, but through neglect, through years waiting to feel the love I thought they would give.

I am so afraid of loosing you because for the first time something is mine. Something that is so perfect and warm. Something I thought I might never find.

I am so afraid of loosing you.

Please don't leave me.

I find myself in your gaze

I see all that I can be while you hold my hand

Every touch grants a new vision

Of the life I wish to live

Laying next to you I dream of our future

Sometimes my eyes cloud with anxiety
Everything feels so imperfect
I try and connect with you but I’m in another world.

Sometimes you are lost in your thoughts
silent and observing
I told you I need attention, but you cannot always provide it.

Our insecurities manifest themselves
into our thoughts

Even on those distant days where I am sad and you are far away
I remind myself that my feelings are not always what they seem

I pick myself back up and learn to breathe on my own
So I can hold your hand again and you can let your thoughts be known.

I thought you should know
What I notice about you.

You pull me close when you notice I’m quiet
and when I’m too loud you let me shout.
You rub my back and stroke my hair
even when your eyes are tired.
You drive for me when I’ve been smoking
and tuck me in to bed.
You breathe for me when my lungs stop working
and hold up my head.
You wipe my teary eyes with your hands
and remind me who I am
You give yourself to me despite your fears
“I’ll love you forever” you whisper in my ears.
I’m so thankful that you’re in my life
I hope to never leave your side.

Tears fill my eyes as I watch your shadow fade,

off to fulfill its purpose, I let it leave.

Although my heart followed you, my body stayed.

Once again I’m all alone, I grieve

left to wonder how I might fill the hole in my chest.

An hour goes by that feels like forever

I close my eyes, not to rest…

but to picture me and you together.

How can I bear through this pain?

Whisper to me when you miss me

When will I see you………again?

I’ll carve our initials into a tree and pray to god that one day he’ll set me free.