I find
             Myself
      Among common folk
              Amidst the real deal
                            Throwing beers back
                   Gulping shots
                Admitting false guilts
      Believing hateful ideals
   Bad things
                       Happen when not
     In the right mind
                 You can't remember
     What went wrong
Or
                 What went perfectly right
But                   she remains
Beautiful in my memories
           Absolutely breathtaking
              In my
                                 Lucid dreams
          As gorgeous as
                             a Leonid Afremov painting
            Like a hailstorm in august
Unexpected              but
             Gorgeous
Like you
                               My dear

Life
          Happens so quickly
                                         You must divide it
Into                         sections
         Almost like a
                         Different fragrance in the air
              Another perfume or
         Like re seeing
everything you saw before
                               Through technicolor eyes
Only                   there's a new color
             A      fresh shade
                              of spatial light fragments
        Consuming your being
And                   warping you into
                     A new stage
                                   Hitting you with
        Intensities
                              Of our so called journey
            Turning
                       the dial on your radio
                     So
          the frequencies align
                    In a continuity of waves
                               Colliding
            amongst pink matter
              The insensitive intensities
               Present to me
                               A mystery
                    Or so it seems
                    A new light
                A dawn to the dusk
               Of my fragile fifth stage
                         But I lost count
                   And forgot the feeling
      
                          You'll know when it happens
                     It'll flow through you
          And you'll realize
                    You've felt it before too

Aliens
    They have no notion of past or present,
    everything is about oceans.
    When they ask for you
    it is really a story about seeing the ocean.
    VISITOR #1:
    Listen. It is failure of bridges that builds angels.
    GROCERY BAGGER/ COLLEGE STUDENT:
    Is this the depression
    we've all been experiencing?
    VISITOR #4:
    Please have a seat and forget the edge of that coast,
    you were not intended for this distance.
    GROCERY BAGGER/ COLLEGE STUDENT:
    I believe we're all owed an explanation.
    Where is this manifest?
    I've never ridden a horse, I am being dreamed about.
    VISITOR #1:
    You would not believe
    the stories redwoods have.
    You each get one phone call.
    GROCERY BAGGER/ COLLEGE STUDENT:
    But the voicemail I've been trying to reach,
    all morning,
    is full.
    "I dream of psychiatrists telling stories
    about dreaming of women
    they've seen in unedited videos on the internet.
    Sometimes they save her from that burning nightclub."
    VISITOR #2:
    If you're going, leave your voice
    somewhere in a room I know.
    COLLEGE STUDENT:
    We would have no need for phones if you didn't invent distance.
    VISITOR #2:
    There are trees that become stained with a purple blossom.
    During summer the blossoms fall and shadow around the trunk
    like a violet negative.
    What a beautiful dimension that must be.
    They pull her skirt down to examine the body,
    palms pour from a sidewalk in L.A.,
    everything is cracked-
    "My god she's beautiful, huh?"
    I think I met them before,
    a long time ago.
    THE MEMORY OF A VISITOR APPEARING IN A DREAM:
    What happens next? Come the exit of electricity from the body;
    on a long enough time-line all weather radicalizes and the people
    will grow into trees.
    You can read about that hollowness and never be prepared for it.
    It’s like standing on the edge of an overpass,
    and being completely empty of the urge to jump.
    This is what I remember:
    instructed to reenact creation
    she throws clothes
    from an open window above the 60 freeway.
      "You have to imagine there are people,
    surrounding you and talking"

It floods your being
  Like the ongoing struggle
                between the angel and man
                                               Falling into existence           not knowing
             who               or                   why
As the questions set off a chemical reaction
                                      inside your brain
your mom             encloses you
                                                        keeps­ you safe from the angels
       "Its not natural that we're here"
                                        she says &                doesn't skip a beat
                         "Religion is a portal in time          like           Chernobyl or accepting       that it's ok to die"

Escaping reality is like
     Finding a spark          &
               Igniting a piece of yourself
        Illuminating
All the surrounding fog     &      trees       &        bike lanes
    To grasp a failure                           Is only a fraction
Of the hydrogen bomb         Created to give birth to all the mantis shrimp & orchids & deflated balloons
     "Our brains contain only a fraction of our being" she said
"&         we only use but a fraction of our brains"
                                       Fractions
               Decimals                   Numbers in the irrational thought            are like
           The exclusion of colors from world war 1
The absence of life at the bottom of the ocean
           So
                      We all assume
                                 presume
That our memories serve us correct
          That what we see is
                       In fact
                                     What we get
    When in the plane of our existence
                     We accept lies as truth
                   & truth as a harsh reality

As
            The ground          shifts
                  My fingers throb
  ancient knowledge
                   Flows through
      These
                  Palms
      The banter of
               Geographical boundaries
         Clashing against
                     Foamy tides
     This
                  White noise
        Collects dust
        amongst a light - polluted
    Chemical factory heart
          Pumping          arduously
                  so as to hang on
By a spiderweb thread
                Carefully
             Rushing in & out
     Of
              Distributed consciousness
The
              Asphalt buckling heartbeat
Slows to match the
                 Acidic raindrops
        Devouring
                 My coniferous mind -
      
                 it's silent




               **lifeless ambience

Morning lights wake me
Evening drives take me
That girl doesn't have a soul
The mechanics of her body
Twisted & droll
But falling for her I can't help
It's a magnetic, atomic kind of bond
So long lonely
You forget what you came here for
But the clouds seem to radiate
With a dreary tune
& the brisk waves seem shaky
Pulled by a silk moon
The seasons change as we do
Warm in the soul
In love with their warmth
Falling out of love & into gloom
& back to feeling the coldest you've ever been

It's never a win win
We're entirely too selfish
But for you,
My dear
I would eviscerate worlds
Cross freezing rivers
Travel the darkest forests
Fall into the core of this planet
Or maybe it won't take that much

& you'll love me
For who I am
Not what I do

I'm losing grasp
I'm losing sleep
Make promises
I cannot keep
         Reality
         is setting in
         I should not fight
         I cannot win
Reminders of
Your simple ways
Make me lose track
Of all the days
         But glancing up
         Can't help but hope
         For better times
         It's hard to cope
Maybe I'll stop
Trying to feel
Reality
I'm standing still
         Fate transpires
         Illusions show
         Taking long walks
         Out in the snow
It's this utter
Inability
To convince myself
How I should be
         Pushing further
         Into the void
         This whole world
         It's paranoid
Not losing grasp
Not losing sleep
We're all mad here
At least I think

Back
         when       we still saw things
through Incandescent eyes &
undiscovered memories
                        waited for us
like
             a first snow in January
She showed me the midnight sky &
                      All the blinding pinholes in it
     where
                     angels peeked at us
The
watercolor sunrises
        while lying on the hood of her car
                         How
kisses                on the forehead
              could mend shattered hearts &
    scattered                         thoughts
         & chasing each other
through art galleries
        out         into droplets of rain
                brought us
closer        
               to
                          god
Those days when
riding on trolleys or
         drifting off to sleep    next to each other
Meant believing in love
           because
                            we wanted to
Furthest from my mind was
              the simple fact,
                        That she
        could make my entire     atmosphere
Collapse into nothingness
                &                        She did
She introduced me
                        to the stars & the sky
&
              willfully brought them down
         on top of me

I am forefronted on the balance
Of loneliness
& hope
It's too bright to know where I am
& too dark
to see where I'm going
So I'm cruising along
Doing my thing
Acting a fool
I didn't seem to have much interest
in anything
And it vaguely marred my visage
Not understanding how
Being in another part of the world
It changes you
I don't remember
the exact moment everything changed
I just know that it did
One moment, I was impenetrable
The next
my heart was beating outside my chest
Exposed to the elements
I am a child trapped in a man's body
And it's so bright outside
But too dark for me to see anything
That matters.

my moral metabolism escapes me
trapped in decaying flesh
these combustible meanings
and disarming thoughts
it's like seeing the word in greyscale
through canine eyes
translating the future into wet dreams
and false disciplines
we move mountains but see only jewels
brainwashed societies block out sun rays
and trap beasts within walls

eat my heart
I no longer want it
make me a tin can
program me
create an automaton
I'd rather see in greyscale
it's pale I know
but it doesn't hurt
to lack feelings when they should be present
depend only on my metallic casings
become indifferent to this worlds meaningless agony
my notions and emotions
these eyes will be void of consciousness
lost in unoccupied nothingness
believe me
delete me
reformat my existence
I want to see in greyscale

My frail mind
             Keeps me awake this night
Unlike others
                        You fill my head to the brim
        With
Pale moonlight             and
                    A sip of wine cleanses
          My eagerness to see you
   My                       sense of direction clouded
                But my imagination
Only
                        Surrounds these thoughts
              At 5 am on a warm sunday morning
        Because
I                miss               you             so

My will to live has left me so,
Now I'm alone
In the ******* snow
Lost my way while walking home,
Now I'm alone
In the ******* snow
Cold creeps in, my bones, so numb
The wolves they howl, my heart it thumps
My achy bowels, my arms in mumps
Blood is moving extra slow
Now I'm alone
In the ******* snow
Dying alone
In this frozen hellish landscape
Alone
In the *******
Snow

Don't make a sound

            This
                  Heavy lit room
       Suddenly blanketed in
  Pure darkness
       Is
              The perfect atmosphere
        To get closer
       & steal each others heart
             To
        Strangle this
                  Ever growing
                                  Twisted knot
                 In Our Bellies
           Silence these fears

        Make us
                       Immortal

           Gather our sawdust memories
                & complete them
Accompany me
                     On these streets of stone
  So
            I don't have to walk
                                Alone

I was never told as a child
                        that
            if you don't yell
                            nobody will hear you
                      never told that
                              they only ask how you're doing
                 to hear you say
                                              "fine"
that
   ­                    when you adapt to your environment
                 you will only grow gills
  as opposed to
                                             wings
and
                             they expect you to grow up
                 but you cant
             if you don't accept
                                  that you must envelope
          a particular taste
                                                for the endless obsession
                       of order                              &
                                        society
lumped
         ­                into one overflowing mass
                      of man-made obstacles
                                                       ­ ...an over complication
                          ...a self indulged struggle

                 they never tell you these things
                                      as if it were etiquette
                                   to blindly follow
                   all the others
                                                   to their inevitable
      self destruction
                                                     ­   only on this earth
                                            were we destined
                                                  for a slow death
                                                 by our own hands
                                                    our own minds
                                                         own minds...

                            do you
                                                  own your mind?
program your thoughts
                                                     or your thoughts
          will be
                                               *programmed

Memories like broken glass
                     fill my heart                    my sensible soul
                                    shards of you
                                                                     remain
                  Tattering this perspective
                                  Leaving a broken person
                                                       behind                        these eyes
                  This Kerouac perception
                                       mounted on confusion
               for                                                      feelings left
                                          undisclosed
            Baffling me like a child
                                                         Thunder and rain my
                    only solace
                                                       dark clouds             my psyche
mutually bound
                                      Like hurricane Galveston
   ripping apart               these thoughts                 these transgressions
                                     mortally comforting
          like cigarettes on Sunday
                                                             reaching forth      
               grasping at straws                                   so they say
                                                 they always say
but do they feel                                                  as I've felt?
                            alone                &                 tempered
                                       as glass
the glum periphery                                engulfing
                                        melting me down                     eating away
       into a pool of nihility
                                                   to harden              to break these chains
feels outdated          unscripted nonsense
                        in the background of my memories            souvenirs
      a setpiece             based on untruths

created        
                 into
                               this
                                          sheer              crystalline              matter

They call
                                                    Glass

On a side note
They're absolutely crazy
Out of this world
To this day they amaze me
Indecisive and unbelievably shame me
Convicted to the bone
And set on one man
They call and bother
Like cattle fodder
Incessantly needy
But wont admit it
Insane about wants
Insatiable and beyond width
The noose that wraps
It's cold hands trap
But I believe in fate
The kind that makes you hate
Like a bloodhound unable to eat steak
And I continue to ask
How can things go wrong?
I was lost all along

Not all people listen
when whispers float around
inside their heads
Some connect to something
Reach out towards a calling
Hear a different song
As their radio aligns
like an untuned piano
creating a nostalgic melody
bringing hearts home from sea

People talk like it's a person
while it's not even a thing
It comes in waves
Like being in the right moment
at the right footstep in time

Sometimes you just
Aren't

Do not fret
Make the best
remain heavy with forgotten songs
drenched in morning rain
Strum your heart strings
feel the quiet ambience
alive in the present

Pain is as temporary as time
So just be

Complete
Coy
Contemplative

A million colors
a perfect thought

Do the constellations align
       When my eyes
    Lock to yours?
Sleepless again
      I wander this ghost ship
   Feel my skin caress my bones
      Eternally emaciated
           To dream of
               Living amongst angels
   I once saw
          My phantom hourglass
      Breaks under the pressure
            Cracking
           Decaying from the weight
                Of that thought
        So minute
                Yet incomprehensible
        Through dulled senses

A tangible visage on the horizon
Luminescent transcendental realization
A creative process known in one language
& every language as a separate nothing

A breath expands my soul
Breaches my chaotic existence
Anger, fear, serendipity
Flood, against the grain
My fragile substance
Gathers
Amidst an earthly glow

Breaking a chain
Much greater than our own desires

It is larger than us
Greater than our meek reality

It has been harsh for those who have true faith
Not of a religious or spiritual point
But a bold and selfless type

Only to be debilitated by
An audacious creature
False in his ways
Always wanting
Never actually obtaining

Such a scarce and volatile being
Never to make sense
At all

Our bodies
Made of clay
On this land
Do we play
Full of cheap parlor tricks
And frosty moon beam strips
Dark and light prevail
Our souls soon set sail
Lovers beckon
Every second
These gateway drugs
To eden or above
Awaken such demons
Belong to the seasons
The horizon brings peace
Some sort of release
To our mortality
Vague intricacies
Histories and
Mysteries
Of this cage containing us
This plain feels delirious
And soothing
When least expecting it
We carve a delicate
Understanding demeanor
Heighten our fever
Blasphemed to not know
Placed here to grow
Of whom we originate
A collective subjugate
Gruesome and holy still
It's almost unreal
What we walked into
From our crust anew
Believe me
& stomach the truth

This scarcity of my soul exists as a whole

In my heart waits a fire, a longing, nostalgia.

Art feeds my indecision

Hope fills my breath

Sense my emotion as you breathe in, my love

And cringe at the thought as you witness my ghost

Remember me!

Need me!

I am Love.

Find me, and walk beside me.

Clinched fists
                    embody all my rage
     all of my compassion
                                             for          this                 world
             all the       pain                               built up

"kiss me,"             she said sweetly             
                     my hands then dangling
                    "take me to bed..."

                              "hold me tenderly,
                                                       ­                                    as your friend     &
                                 keep all my secrets..."

Let         these human feelings
                         engulf you first,

before ripping them apart
                                                  for answers.
                             Don't
                               question all the moments
             your life is made up of.        

                                        Live them.
                                             Feed your head.

Smoking cigarettes in the rain.
It's days like this
I remember the faint murmurs
Of my past.
When i used to splash in the puddles
Not acknowledging my own
Slow heartbeat
Or the wakes of how everyone's
Existence can touch yours
In just a way
That it sends you into a
Catatonic realization
Into a vivid imagining of how things could be
But the fact that things are better the way they are.

It feels so normal.
...I was thinking if,
you were lonely
we could leave here and no one would know...

"I'm sorry man"
they rushed their condescending voices toward him
some of us don't feel the shame
most of us realize now
love tastes bitter when it's gone
funny how everything comes to pass,
that all the memories fall through your fingers
until there's no one around you can recollect being good to you

he smokes a cigarette
watching the cars as it smolders
if anyone ever had a heart,
he wouldn't be alone
he knows,
she's been here too few years to be gone
but still it's much too long
to let hurt go
please let her go

we'll stick around
see how bad it gets...

is it any better now?

if the murmurs in our soul
mean we're supposed to know
when pain approaches us
and we find the pleasure in it

as soon as our enthusiasm caves in
our hollow resolve kicks in

because we found that flicker
in someone else
and he made her feel **** worthy
but girls are foolish
when they test a situation

better than nothing
she dragged you down
but you just pulled her back up and boomed

"I'm more than this."

Kiss me
                
                           Take me to bed

Then,
                                    punch me in the nose
                            ****** my mind with your rage

                                                                   and forgive me nothing
Hold me tenderly
                       as your friend
                                                        and      keep      my secrets
          
                          Interlock your fingers         into mine

show me your eyes
                                  allow me the depth of your soul
               or
                            the chance to kindle
                                              your intricate loveliness

Feel something         &
     allow yourself to feel it first
                                                        before tearing it apart for answers

It's like I've been awakened
      Surrounded by sweet memories
             as if this feeling
                         won't expire
Looking back
            I can't recall
      Anything more gracious
       Or
      Hopelessly enlightening
            Than when you took my hand
                    Kissed my cheek
                        Walked the dampened streets
     With me
             Save tomorrow for me
                Take a chance with me
                
        Seeing your smile
      Ignites my core
             With love
            &      life       &      fire
With the brightest sparks
      Chiseled from this flammable heart
               It's crazy to think
         How long it's been
      Since we shared a moment
      But
            I feel better off in my mind
                When you visit me there

      I will be here for you
            In the darkest times
                   In the brightest light
                 If you promise
         To be mine
        Because
                    As long as
    I'm yours
                 The only map I own
              Leads me back
   to your outstretched arms
                          Your heart
                             Your soul
                      Your precious mind
                                  You
& there's no place
                       I'd rather be

Headlights illuminate
       Your face              &
                 God doesn't know
        The colors I see
In your eyes
                     This cigarette
       Won't taste like your lips
               You know
     But I smoke anyway
              Just like the vibrations
         Throughout my body
             As that song plays
     I fall up against the sky
               & you remind me
Of a better time       Or      Place
           You are my
        Familiar mystery

              A beautifully concocted
                   Foggy morning
   In the midst of all this wordly madness

& smoke leaves my lungs
          Reintroduced to oxygen
I sigh                 you smile
           What a night         but
     You          already           know

It's extraordinary. Today my existence felt like a cloud. A cloud of luminous star stuff, billowing in the dark. A feeling of spacious wonder and cosmos. Like I was within this void cloud, succumbing to the ether of nothingness and consciousness at once.

Such serendipity filling my lungs, tracing my heartbeat. I had no clue at the time. My absence of knowledge like the innocent breath of a thousand newborns.

Fleeting existential begrudgery and the radiance of every sun. I imagine the beep beep beep of luminescent wonder as the thought of light reaches my senses. A guitar solo and distant beat enchanting my soul.

But in reality, I sense nothing. Not a cold winter morning, with fog on the window from warmth. Nor the buzz of insects from spring air, breathing life into the Earth's harmony.

The tingle I feel is in my reminiscent stardust memories. Of life before life. Feeling before it was felt. Sounds before they were heard and only vibrations of the mind. Of sight being nothing more than annoying bright lights before they were calculated into something more understandable.

This is the beginning of such a beautiful moment. Indescribable and an explosion of the senses. The background beat of a chorus. The vibrance of a photograph. The contrast of a black and white movie. The boom of bass against an orchestra of sounds.

The feeling of a loved one's touch. The sound of thunder rumbling. Seeing your first array of black clouds engulf the stratosphere. The cold envelopment of raindrops covering your delicate skin.

All of life's beauty doesn't have to seem beautiful at first. Just give it time. Just give. Time.

We're all stardust here.

I cant help
          Feeling bad
    For those who still care
                      About
     Winding relationships
            Or
                    True love
            It's just
        A mess
                  Waiting to happen

Lucid thoughts provoked my imagination awake
             That morning, the bitter coffee singed my tongue
                           She wasn't there any more
              In my dreams
                                                wandering my wasteland mind
                         I found comfort in her
   But now it escaped me
               Knowing I'd have to live the day
                                                    longing for her company
                       Maybe if I fell asleep again
or                    daydreamed a little
or                             held onto that hope a little longer
                        I'd                                 wake up                  & get lost
                                             in her eyes                    &
                                                                    not my mind
                        For once I'd like to be surprised
                                                    By my own meandering,
                                                                                magnetic pull
                                                         My will

Hello sun
          You don't know me but
                       You touch me
            in ways that einstein couldn't describe
                                           I feel your waves
        Through my heartstrings
You burn my arm
                   but strengthen my heart
        Give me cancer
                                     but brighten my day with
      art &
                   life &
                                 food &
                                              radiation thAT MIGHT **** ME ONE DAY
......SORRY .... sorry....

You're my muse
                               I'll use you to power my house & your scorching
                         tendrils to
find
            my
                        way
                                      onward......

              Sometimes
                                       You're a man
                    in my dreams
                                                   sometimes a woman
              but that doesn't matter
                                   it never has
                                                     because what you feel
           inside so strongly
                                                       is
                                                                               neither
its just            you.....

like the Sun is what it is
                                                    
                                       nothing will change that
                   be it rain
                                                              nor comet shower
                                     The Sun will always be
             A burning tower
A guide in these
                                                 drastic times
If you pray to him
                   he'll grow your
                      *****...                 and your mind
she'll radiate your vegetables
                              it's by design
            it tells me "it's been awhile
                                          since anyone said hi
it's oh so lonely up so high
                                the moon sometimes makes me want to cry
                thinking of better times
                               when
             people communicated
                                              instead of
    typing out their pantomimes
                          into silly
                                             little
                                                             machines..... and a rhyme.....


wake up little humans
                                          I'm warming up
           it's not my fault
                                                You like driving big trucks
               your planet decided
you're      S.             O.                O.                L.

the carbon levels
               in the atmosphere
                                 are troubling
                       but have no fear
               you're in for a jazzy
                   existence here
                                              Whether it be desert sands
                                  or icey strands
                                                    of land
                                                                  with many man..... men..... man?
                    Anyways the moon says "hi
                                                                         I'm bright
            but only tonight
                                           my light
                                                           is tight
             I radiate delight
                                           & I might
                     be a hollow shell of metal that's tidally locked like a
vice
                                    the Sun shares it's life
       without it
             I'd be a dull dusty oval
                                                      floating into a black hole
                 so
                            Thanks sun.... I mostly love you
and we're both seeing the same planet..... so.....
                           I won't go above you
                                      you'll be my king
                                                I'll be your boo
                       just keep me lit
                                        I'll do anything you want me to
but the guys from andromeda said
                                           "Keep an eye on these humans
            they're a bit    new..... man....
                           shoot down their nukes
                   don't let one land
                                     if it hits a city..... well.....
                 there goes our plan
    
They show promise
               they're still off..... a bit.....
                            maybe humanity has lost it
                         covid?
         it's the flu                       are they *******?
                          they're letting bug-eyed weirdos on TV
             tell them they should get injected
                       with something that 'might' save them?
                                       Let's see where this goes
                Keep observing..... we might visit and
they will be                 overcome"""

Nameless, faceless
         Sea of Many
Save a soul
         Toss a penny
Need another?
         There's aplenty
                            Reach into my pocket
                         Ignore the silver locket
      Take a penny
                                It's all yours
       For each is worth
                                         A little more
        A sea of Souls
                                     Unlock the door