I find myself thinking,
What was happening 7 years ago?
At this exact moment?
Was it the bombshell that my mother dropped on me?
That my dad tried to **** himself?
Was it watching my mother wail at the sky as we got ready to go to the hospital?
Was it me, praying the same prayer over and over again during the car ride up?
Was it me trying to calm myself down in the bathroom before i went any further?
Was it sitting in a secluded waiting room, anxiety-ridden, thinking "why wont they take me to him?"
Was it the nurse and the doctor that told me they tried everything they could but "he died"?
Was it my own cry that happened automatically because i was still in shock?
Or was it sitting at the bedside looking at you and not knowing what to say?
Was it me saying "im sorry" or "i love you"?
Was it my trepid feet not wanting to leave your room because i knew it would be the last time i saw you?

What moment was it 7 years ago?

I guess... my memory is failing me.

Why cant you see my frustration
As I pluck out my eyes,
Outstrectch my arms
And cry,
"Please I cant live to see this anymore!"

You just shove them back into my sockets
Grasp the nape of my neck
And shove my face into that black hole of depression.
You scream,

"You are going to watch this happen to you
As we sigh in relief that it's not happening to us!"

The pain of grief
Can last lifetimes
If it gets the chance.

.    .    .

I dont want it to get that chance.

I've had a cold
For a week

I got mad at my body,
"Why dont you just heal yourself or die at this point?!"

I realized
I've been saying the same thing

To my mind
For years.

People ask me frankly,
"Why live as an owl in the night?"
I answer
You can see things in the dark impossible to see in the light

"Why sleep your days away?"
When you're awake, life only has one perspective, but when you're dreaming, perspective is limitless

"And why not speak your truth to the world?"
There is more to learn in silence than there is in conversation

I find myself reaching
For branches and vines
That make up family ties
Only to discover
That they break
And they tangle
Offering no support
In the cold brew
Of night
But when the sun shines
They are sturdy and forgiving


That's not the kind of family
I want to hold onto.

There is so much love
In a world full of hate

She looked to the sky
And asked God why

She had never hurt anyone
Never hated someone for fun

So why must she feel that pain?
Why think those thoughts inside her brain?

Why struggle and fail?
Grind hard, tooth and nail

Why must it be this way?

As a tear rolled down her face,
She heard a faint voice



"It is life, my child.
It is not supposed to be easy."

I never knew the best way to initiate *** (or this poem for that matter)
I'm either completely submissive or surprisingly dominant
There's not much in between

I first kiss you slowly
Like an old fashioned movie
Spreading your lips
With my lips
Enter the realm of unknowing

When my tongue embraces yours
My heart beating, uncontrollably
The warmth of you breath
The dampness of your mouth
Positively suffocating

Without another thought
Our clothes begin to come off
Your hands hidden within my hair
We are as we were born
Selfish and bare

Lead me into the darkness
Where the only sense that matters
Is touch
Shield my broken body
Speak unspoken love

Bracing myself
I hold my breath
As I pull your body
Closer
To my chest

Like a well known dance
Your hips move like fire
I melt loudly between the sheets
I am vulnerable
To your desire

Lay rested on your back
For I am protector of the nest
I can hear you breathing
Harder
As sweat trickles down my breast

The time has arrived
I close my tired eyes
Because its darker
And more familiar
As I arch back to grip your thighs

My whole body is shaking
Yours is too
And when it's over
Your breath is softer
My mind is now anew

And when all is done
And we've restored our sight
My closed lips
Kiss your closed lips
And we both respond "goodnight"

Remember that all things fade.
All creatures must have an end
To bear new beginnings.
And all new beginnings
Come from resolution.

I dont know if this job is right for me

"Stick it out for a few months, you will change your mind!"

There's so many other things that I want to do with my life that dont involve this.

"Youre making good money, keep at it, its a great career!"

I cant deal with this stress any longer

"You just started, it will get better in a few months"

My depression and panic attacks are at an all time high

"Have you been taking your medicine? I think youll feel better about this job if you keep taking your pills"

I dont want this. This is not what i signed up for. I need to stay true to myself. This cannot be my life.

"You already spent so much time getting your degree! You can do this FOREVER! I'm so proud of you, I brag to everyone I know!"

Are you even listening?
No...
No one is.

Did I see a shooting star?
I shot up from my bed,
There was a white glowing dot racing through the sky.
Bigger than your average star
Faster, more elagant than a plane.
It soared diagnally across the sky.
I was in a daze.
A trail of sparkles and twinkle dust dispersed from its tail.
It went behind the trees, but I could still see for a moment.
Then it disappeared, into thin air.
No where to be found.
Not through the cracks of tree branches or by a gleam in the sky.
It was gone.
No destination or proper exit.
It left as mysteriously as it came.
I made my wish quick just in case it was meant for me,
"Please, I wish to be a great author"
Was that a shooting star?
Or a falling star?
Was it a star at all?
I wonder.

Love is like a
Baby animal.
Your heart lights up
When you see them coming around the corner.
You freeze when they twitch in their sleep
To not waken them from the sweetness of dreams.
Kiss them,
As to send a message,
"You are mine and I am yours, forever".
Teach them new things,
So they grow in every direction.
Love them,
Like they are the only one in the world
That can be loved.

I cast a shadow
Throw myself into battle
I am strong
I am wise
But
Im depressed
Should i undress
My mind of mess
For you to get
Whats in my head
Im all thats left
Im intelligent
Im irrelevant
Though benevolent
Im on top
Now im below
Inside my world
Theres no place to go
Feed me lies
So i can grow

Rain beats outside my window
The only sound lulling me to sleep
In this dark, cute apartment
I wonder how I might earn my keep

The black shadows hold me close
Keeping me warm when the night burns cold
I create to show my strength
Before my young skin becomes too old

How might the world observe me
When I emerge from this tight cocoon
With a laundry list of dreams
And no history of silver spoons

The light tells me to be brave
Because the dark won't last forever
My journey has just begun
With no ties left for me to sever

Before we die...
I want to know
That each moment meant something.
That our days weren't spent
Worrying about how clean the house was
Or how much money we needed
To buy a home, nice car or fancy clothes.
I want to know
That each day we gave it our all
Not to our jobs or reputations...
But to learning and laughing
With one another.
To experience a joy
That only exists when we do life together.
I want to know
That every second
We spent together
We experienced the true meaning of life..
And knew it.
For every blink, smile and breath,
We lived our lives truly, authentically
And the way it's always meant to be lived
With love.
A love that transcends the physical world
And follows us through infinite lifetimes.
Because life can't be lived without love.
And love is not love
Without you.

Be gentle with me
I am water dressed up as fire

Be gentle with me
I say that I am a rock when air best suits me

Be gentle with me
Some days I may feel cool when inside I'm burning hot

Be gentle with me
Most times I look like I'm up but I've never been more down

Be gentle with me
Because I'm never truly as I seem.

I'll be gentle with you
Because I don't truly know what you're going through

You dont need people
To see your strength
To convince yourself
That you are strong.



You are.

Shes a twinkling star
The van goh of art
The call of the sea
The roots of a tree

She dances with the moon
Can break iron cocoons
Shes a sunset on the beach
The sweet taste of a peach

She may stumble or fall
But her spirit says it all
She can shine without light
If she believes she is bright

Im ready to know what it's like
To live my dreams.
What sacrifices must be made,
What joys I will experience
And what sorrows.
How different the coffee will taste,
How soundly I'll sleep.
If the stars will shine brighter
Or dimmer.
If the sun will reveal the best
Or the worst.
Life has a kink
For people who dare to be courageous.
Because not enough of us
Are ready to chase our dreams
Until it's too late.
So, I'm ready.

Betting on yourself is hard
When you have no money
But doubting yourself
Will cost more
Than your bet ever will

Fire
Keeps burning
Smoke
Kisses
The night sky
The world
Doesnt stop
Turning
Never
Has the sun
Not risen
Forever
I will be yearning
For the leaves
To stop
Falling
The wolves
To stop
Calling
Its
Better
To sleep
In cold
Weather
But the phones
Wont stop ringing
And my
Head
Wont stop
Singing
A letter
To the
Universe:
I would
Appreciate
A small
Break.

When I feel
Inadequate
I get the urge to
Cut
Like slicing my
Arm
Would make me
Worthy
Would make me
Enough
As if
Devouring
My flesh would
Prove
That I am as they
Say
I am
Not good
Enough
Not good
Enough.
No.
I'm
More
Than
Enough.

It's okay to mourn a happy time in your life that you dont have anymore.

Confidence,
Like the moon,
Waxes and wanes.

I know that I can do anything.

So why don't I?

My mind was made of moonlight and fresh strawberries
Of a sunset kissing the perfect G chord
The interweavings of dreams and earth
A push and pull kind of mentality
Suspended in air
Until the last breath falls
My words are glass,
Sleek and breakable but
Strong against the wind
I dont forget a face
Or a mental illness
My songs are a life of their own
My stories, a world incongruous with reality
I've been sewn together with slivers of ocean foam
I've been given eyes of the first winter breeze
I am incomplete
I hold the world in a box buried in my chest
Beating away
Away
Away

Dont call youself a loser
Because that's not what you are
In my eyes and in my heart,
You're a shining shooting star

You are perfect and loving,
The flower that always blooms.
Even when your stuck in dirt,
Your petals gleam amongst the moon

Dont give up the grueling fight
This is what you've known and done
Dont keep beating on your head,
Strike the pain until you've won.

Dont suffer or be angry
Thank God for this great chance
To show them you don't just sing
But steal the spotlight when you dance

My heart can crack
My back can break
It hurts to carry
All this weight

A ***** is loose
Its back in line
Im falling apart but
Its not my time

I know my worth
I've told my story
But the pen won't stop
Until I've had my the glory

Have you ever tried to pick yourself up when you feel yourself slipping?

But you suddenly weigh over two tons and the you thats trying to pick you up is some skinny stick man that couldn't lift a hair brush?

So you just watch as both sides struggle in their own ways?

That's it.

I'm sorry you're sick.

Slip me the magic word
Let it slide off your tongue
Like warm honey
And too much ***

Grip the fire with your hands
And swim them up stream
Up my legs
Up my dress

****** your inhibitions
Let them dig their own grave
My patience wears thin
For monsters well-behaved

For not a lack of luster
I feel the pain upon your lips
Like a thorn of ****** yearning
May I swallow sorrow's kiss

A smile or two
Counts not as a few
But a mile long road
Of "you must" and to do's

A picture worth painting
Is just as restraining
As a dog in a cage
Muzzled during training

Amidst the achievers
Are silenced nonbelievers
For those who protest
Are labeled "the deceivers"

A map of success
Is just paper at best
When your heart leaves a void
As it runs from your chest

As the clock tic tocs
Opportunity walks
Now you're stuck with the laughter
That muted its knock

Expectation demands
With transparent commands
Dont find yourself saying
"This is not what I planned"

My mind thinks of the worst things I could do to you
The worst person I've ever met
With your slander
And lies
I could destroy you
And I want to
But I won't
Because then I become you
And I could never forgive myself for that.

When you are afraid
It will masquerade
As smiles and nods
There is no escape

If fear is a lier
Yanking my thinnest wire
I am too trusting
Pouring gasoline on the fire

Now I'm shaking to the bone
My feet are made of stone
I'm surrounded by faces
Yet somehow I'm alone

"Don't forget about me" She said.

"I'd forget how to breathe before I forget about you" He replied.

Four walls
Two windows
One bed
Busy head

What I would give
For open pastures
And a calm mind

I cannot keep going
Around and around
A merry-go-round
A life where I drown.
I work
Hard.
Be the best
I can.
For people
Who dont know
Who I really
Am.
My demons
And angels
Tear eachother
Apart.
And the result
That they leave me
Is a beating
Broken heart.

Every night
I pamper myself with
The water of the galaxy
The starry soap
That glints and tickles
My skin

Every night
I float
In the weightlessness
Of the universe
Let the light of the sun
Shower me
In the dark

Every night
I listen to the beautiful hum
Of nothingness
And smell the burning comets
As they
Whizz by my relaxed body

Every morning
I wake up
And wish
To fall back asleep

Why settle for less
Than you know you deserve?

A flower wont sprout
If it doesn't get what it needs.

Why should you?

Her eyes were tired from crying

About the voice

of a ghost

in her head.