I hate myself too much to care that
I hurt myself too much to feel

Too many words,
meaningless
needless,
that I hurl at you.

Too hard to stop
saying too much;
I'm hopeless too.

The essence of roses lingered
as the petals of her lips
and the thorns of her teeth,
scathing,
scratching my surface,
retracted like claws to a sheathe
as the cat behind her eyes
left no mark on my skin,
but tore the flesh apart
so no blood broke through
but its drowning flood
dyed the rose, and
the rose died

I hold your breath
with cracking lips
against your ear
I emit a hiss

too soft to hear
but feel instead,
a buzz to echo
in your head.

I bite your tongue,
a careful test,
and breathe myself
against your chest

Your warmth absorbed
into my light,
that bitter, cold,
consuming plight.

Beware of whispers –
refuse to feel
when from your breath
your heart I steal.

Breaking bones by saving hearts
the brittle only shatter
Denial of the loving stream
the only move that matters

Bones once broken remain more fragile,
the muscle tear grows stronger
Self-sacrificial though I am undeserving
and you'll be willing no longer

The sad truth is
that help comes too late
Now that I’m cold
now that I’m ok

Waterproof my eyes
and wax my smile,
Coated in plastic
and frozen for a while

For what you don’t know
Is you see what I show.

I face you now
so my heart can be seen
Because I’m stronger now
than I ever have been

But my strength that I know
makes me look to you weak
My exposed flaws and worries
look to you at their peak.

Caress me, but careful
Do not touch my face
For I wish you would not feel my tears

Expose me, but gently
So I will not flee
For I so often run from my fears

Implore me, be patient,
I struggle to speak
For I choke on my bitter, long years

Desert me, but later
Let me hold you now
For I melt when your words touch my ears.

Graceful pain
in relinquishing my soul
into chaos;
Falling forever.

Breathe in
Open your eyes
Lift your head
Take off your disguise

Pretend today
is more than just a day
Let's say
it won't just pass away

We cried
inside
for we know we lied
and we can't hide
that we've lost the fight

There is no battle, the war is won
the fight is done,
we see the sun
glint off our guns

Take a seat,
now, helpless at the feet
of time, and eat
her supple fruit, the cause for your defeat.

Circles spin and pass
you cannot win if your loss plays back
no victory will last.

Watching the sun
fall below the ground
Replace your mask
and Breathe out

In my chest there is a lump
like coal that's still cold
though I know it can burn
and I peel back the skin over my heart
and I crack through the ribs it's caged in
so I can watch it beating slowly
as I stare in the mirror and ask
how has my life come to this?
When my hand is a blade
and my head is a stone
and my heart is a coal
and I'm frozen,
I strike my hand to my head
and I wait for the spark
to set fire to my heart
for to burn me.
I wish to be smoke,
to drift away and to dissipate,
until no one remembers me anymore

I die each night
to close my eyes
I feel you breathing
by my side
Curled up inside
My grip and pride
to feel the demons
that I cried

Below my fist
a brokenness
that longs for burdens
other than this
I breathe my wish
upon your lips
and wander slowly
down your hips

You take my hands
unknown my plan
for you are only
one young man.
I trip to brand
and above you stand
and dominate your
shattered land

Pour your pain in a mug
Let it steep until it's bitter
       and too strong to taste
Sip slowly and let your lips
       curl away in disgust
But still, let it slide down
       your throat;
       tepid, revolting.
Let the wafting stench fill your lungs
       breathe in the toxins
Until your vision blurs and your head spins.
Feel the poison as it
       corrupts your heart and
       erupts into your body
Let it eat you alive
       and rot you from the inside.

Each time it diminishes, I know it's not gone forever.
It will always return.
Anger pushes me deeper into my corrupted, compromised brain.

Painless agony that hides behind a veil of apathy
I physically hurt from emotional agony.
There is no tangible reason.

I'm fighting myself, and no matter who wins, I will always lose.

I am a zombie–
Neither dead nor alive, but merely walking around, bringing others down.

I dream of imaginary blood
that is only real in consciousness

It fractures my sleep
like hammers to glass
The pieces lacerate my skin
as I frantically try to fix the brokenness.

My life tastes sweet,
feels warm, and I
bathe in its deep
crimson pools of false love that
I doubt every second.

The world will never know
how much I hate me

The broken pain
when you said my name
I turned away
in bitter shame.
I cannot explain
my corrupted brain.

Embarrassed, I hide,
pushing feelings aside
but I couldn't keep them inside,
covered my face as I cried,
I can't give up my pride
or admit that I lied.

Hardened to stone
I tremble, I groan,
I shiver deep to my bones,
at lies I can't condone
and up to can't own,
beside you, lying alone.

He ruptured my heart
with the touch of his hand
I spilled from the crevices
between broken ribs and
as I bled full of passion,
he sealed back my bones

Decay now the soil
from which I may grow
from dirt can come beauty
with a nurturing soul
His hands helped remind me
I need not be alone

Gently and tenderly
You hold my heart in your hand
And I slip through your fingers
like scorching hot sand.

Clench your fist in the cavity
as you reach into my chest.
I am the body draped on your arm
depending on you for the rest.

Somehow you need this,
So calmly, hold my heart,
Let my blood drip down you,
a beautifully grotesque art.

I am frozen
Paralyzed by the reminder
of how it feels to feel

Glued to the floor
by the demons in my heart
that I deny are real

I can't forget
the pain in my heart each day
I don't want to wake up
I just want it to go away

I want to sleep
eternally
I want to sleep
and never wake
I want to disappear
And forever forget

how it feels to feel

can stand alone

I broke my heart
so you could not

I handed it out in pieces
gave it away, forgave, forgot

I gave you my heart
I didn't want it anymore

I am selfish to give out my broken heart
it's not what it was before

Hand me the keys to your car
not your heart
You're too drunk to drive
and you don't live too far.

I thought you didn't like it
when she takes your hat
And when I said I didn't care,
I guess I didn't mean that.

I can't keep your attention
'cause I can't keep my **** straight
But I didn't break my promise,
'cause it's me that I hate.

It was me, I killed the Butler
and what you've heard is true.
But before I am condemned
Let me explain to you...

The milkman killed the ferrel cat,
set a trap and let it starve
So now no longer there will be
sick kittens in his yard.

The schoolboys killed the milkman
Maybe it was some sad trick
Maybe it was just an accident
I'll let you take your pick.

The Butler killed the schoolboys
I won't pretend that I know why
He shot them each in the chest
then fired his gun into the sky.

And yes, I killed the Butler
I didn't even know his name
He snuck up upon me
and now I'm the one they blame.

I'll be god for you
I'll spin you around
and make you something new

I'll lurk in the darkness
but curse you for doubt
and punish the blasphemous

I'll tell you I love you
But stand back in silence
as you pray from the pew

I'll be your idol
the sin to condemn you
and the one who stole your soul

Vulnerability so condescending
lurks in my mind
the mantra it's not good enough
in the darkness will find.

The devil in my heart
pulls me into my head
I keep running away
but I'm running toward him instead

And I'm falling, unreserved
and endlessly away
In lonely depths of hell
Maybe I'll learn to pray.

Undervalue my beliefs
Overwhelmed with pain and grief
Console my heart
with broken art
And sing me off to sleep

Bleed me out and go,
You can’t see and you won’t know
the life I lack
Turn your back
And leave me here to weep

Scrawled between light blue lines,
between light pink lies,
but he didn't know at the time
and neither did I

So he promised and he swooned,
writing as if forever was assumed
Now only paper remains from the wound,
a souvenir from before love was doomed

Handwriting harder now to decipher
describes my past, how he loved her,
and a future we swore would be easier,
a future always together

Long enough ago not to cry
but the inside jokes I still recognize
And now I wonder if I had tried
Would finding these have made me smile?

Faded pages and smudged pencil,
pages hard for him to fill
but I didn't have the will
to try to love him still

Your song on repeat
like a soundtrack to pain
and with every listen
I feel you again
Just as soon as I forgot
but I can't let you go
now that you've tugged my sleeve
and pleaded me, no

But your face in my mind
is not close to me anymore
I looked through the window
just as you closed the door
and saw you glance back
but never turn around
Some things that are lost
are dead and can't be found

The song of your heart
I understood back then
too well to believe now
I'll never see you again
You were a sister to me,
so your brother is my brother, too
Now you are his brother
and I don't know what to do

except to sing
except to miss you

I've lost the words
I tried to say
I can't keep my lost
feelings at bay
I tried to run
I tried to stay
But still my pain
upon me weighs

Forget the secrets
I told and cried
Forget the times
I told and lied
I try to keep them
captive inside
I failed, I lost,
although I tried.

If you could find
my secret might
The strength I lost
but need to fight
I let my secret
out of sight
I lost my head;
Yes, you were right.

My heavy heart
won't let you in
I fight for you
but let you win
The feelings that
I will give in
to pain and dark
eternal sin

When you know you're making
a big mistake
but you voluntarily make it
anyway

You know you're either
in love or
an idiot and you pray they aren't
the same

The hazel centers draw me in
and the comfort of the pools of green
and blue keep me in, so soft and peaceful
wishing to be seen.

So I cannot deny it,
can not deny your eyes
their need to be seen
by mine.

Eyes closed, yes eyes
and what is wrong
there is always something
something is always wrong.

The center of your eyes draw me in
and the serene pools hold me close
but I pull back and push away because
no matter how you love, he still loves the most.

Penetrate me with your dagger
straight into my heart, I beg
your love and mercy so submitting
myself to you, I lay myself down before you.

Enter my body under my skin
flow with my blood, let it stream
over you, let me cover you with
my life. I give you my life.

Carve open my belly let me pour
on the floor, and I spill myself
as you stand over me while I
die at the feet by your hands.

I hear you still
though you don't know
you think I moved on
so long ago

But softly rings
your voice in me,
inside where none
can hear or see

the thoughts I hid,
buried not well.
The secrets to you
I didn't need to tell.

So sing for me,
I know you will,
and when I drift away
I'll hear you still.

Find your own mantra
Say it once Say it twice
Bother not with its depth
Do not think, Say it thrice.
Abandon your logic
Bend your life to advice
What are you doing?
Common sense would be nice.
Walk up to the table
But will you roll the dice?
Can you not hear me?
I will only ask twice.

Be happy;
It's Christmas
you're blessed
but you're crushed.

The angels sing
but really scream
and fires rage
where candles gleam

It's ******* Christmas
so be happy
give in to lies
you know are sappy

If you don't
I guess it's your loss
***** to be you,
alone on Christmas.

Hypothetical lust
Generated electrical impulses,
The very same that stirred your heart.

Pulse – stifled, still,
Cochlear arousal (still)
The same that heard "I love you"

Physically imprisoned,
We tremble from the pain
Yours in your mind, mine in my brain

In your eyes
I was a mistake
no intention to keep
yet still you take
disregard my life
for your own sake
swore not to lie
but still were fake

Choruses of songbirds lift my eyelids
for the fourth time since five.
The harmonies tenderly resonate in my ears
Singing me to life

Purity where I house guilt,
the songbirds spout glorious praise,
Honestly awake when I lie still
it is no wonder I hide from the light.

With a beautiful song, he bobs through the light
that he wears on his wings
Unafraid to be heard and no reason to fear
for he is not broken, for he has not sinned.

The songbirds sing me to wake
And I soberly stare at the shadows of trees
where they perch so fleetingly,
and I long to sing in the innocence of morning.

The convulsions of my chest
splinter my ribs
rip my heart from my breast

Tearing muscle from bone
grinding joints
that creak and groan

My lungs implode upon me
choke my breath
I die, suffocating slowly

Stars painted on my eyes
until I'm blind
and my broken body cries.

Bitter on my tongue,
but I'll say I don't mind.
Too hot to touch
but I can't stay away
And it burns my blistering skin
but I'll be okay.

Take a taste of my poison,
but not enough to die.
I'm rotting on the inside
but outside I'm fine
So you can walk away
but I'll stay behind.

Walk away.

Worse than two-faced.
I'm *too-many-to-count-faced.

"Twenty-eight seconds"
he said.

No one warned you about me
You only know who I used to be

Shatter music as relief
when the rest will burn away
until only bits remain
and I beg for it to be day

Nighttime as my prison
when my hauntings ride the dark
and even in the morning
on my eyelids leave their mark

When sleep unfolds my mind
my dreams leave scars upon my feet
where my demons creep inside
and my fears and sorrows meet

I'm encrypted in this pain
and I feel as though I'll never escape
so I submit to endless agony
of death and torture, sin and ****.

I feel like I shouldn't have to choose
between nightmares and insomnia

Darkness ***** the air from my lungs;
It grips me by the neck and
Holds me close,
Wraps around me,
Swallows me.

I killed the bird that never flew
I stabbed its heart when I lost my head.
The bird was black
And I was blind

The rain will keep me holed inside,
Where I cry too
And where I died.
If you dare to keep me up and alive,
Give me your hand;
I’ll take you with me.

I swallowed fire and doused the flame
But it’s still burning
And I feel my heart turn to ashes

Then I fall, powdered,
And I’m blown away
Like the bird in the Night.

They talk, don't listen
Don't listen, for what they say isn't true
Their heartlessness can't break us
It's not your fault
They don't see
What I see in you

Set petty judgments aside
Your value is insurpassable,
Undeniable.

Your tenderness against my tongue
Tender, but never too sweet,
Almost bitter.
No sugar coated lies
Just fresh and raw.
Honest and genuine,
You provide what I need.

Oh brother, where art thou?
You hath stole my timepiece yet,
Brother, put it in your pocket;
I don my mem'ry, and you my locket.

Oh sister, thou cryest alone
For no one spake of your goodness,
Sister, for none be there to see;
Thy tears art thou own, not of me.

Oh mother, where art thou?
Father, hither thee come!
For the babe cries, the son lies,
and don't mind me, my heart dies.