Overthinking.
I'm dwelling
on things that need not
more than five –
no, two
seconds.
Dismissed.

Spinning, looping
Repeating.
So unnecessarily lingering.
My mind is a bubble,
with a delicate membrane between my world
and sanity,
that houses liquid danger
Evaporated and pressing
outward against the walls
I constructed to keep others out,
and that instead poison me
with the toxic gas of these
Thoughts.

I have an intimate relationship with
Pain

I stand out of sight.

Head bent, he checks an email
one step out of line,
easily corrected. Casually on his way
like he does it all the time.

Shameless, fearless,
head held high
Sweatpants and a purse, strange country
just passing by

I know you, and you know
my name. She is new to me
but you both look the same
then you disappear before I really see

Faces familiar and not
strangers, friends, people
Who do not see me watching.
I stay back, for I don't want to be seen.

I am never satisfied
for I am never enough.

She told me I could do better.
I could, and now I can.
Perfection is a few steps away
from a few steps away.

Nativity scene number fifty three
signs shout "Silence and Prayer" overhead
Publicly kneeling despite words we read
Innocent giggles sound profane instead

Selectively ignoring just to fit in
ourselves to the mold of our past
secretly telling the priest of our sin
but bowed in the chapel of glass

My head aches in curses known only to man
so you dare treat my mind with your trembling hands
and now faced with tonics from which I once ran,
I comply to the system I never could stand.

I submit to your will, for I'm told you know best,
laying upon the coffin for my brokenness
you put my anguish to rest
the finite consumption of what you can't test

The judgements you made
on the state of my brain
only show you're afraid
of the sum of my pain

Mortar crust upon my skin
from building walls too thin

to provide myself a sanctuary
where I can deny those who care for me.

I cannot resist my need to hide
So I lurk and recoil inside;

I clumsily regress into a crawl
as my tears remember how to fall.

A thorn in my palm
etches into my skin
so the blood of a rose
twice as deep
will seep through
the sheer petals
of my facade

I watch my spirit on a
snowflake
falling softly, gently, slowly
drifting, taking its time
so beautiful in its descent
until it rests
on the cold ground
just to vanish,
melt away,
and with it my spirit
disappears.

I draw on my body in pen where I once drew with a knife.
I breathe deep and recall when I gave up on life.
I sit still to remember though there's no way I could forget,
the days I gave no regard for years I hadn't lived yet.

To live in utter hatred for yourself is something I can't explain.
It's impossible to put words to that intimate pain.
Never so lonely as when I'm surrounded, so why,
when I'm loved and cared for, do I most want to die?

I hide to conceal my brokenness.
Some faults are easier than others to confess.
Do not test my limits, I am too jaded to cry,
but when you ask if I'm ok, I will always lie.

I beg, don't ask why
Just please let me die.

Words that I dared not speak
that killed me from inside
For to let them out would hurt you
but I contain and let them die

The crushing weight of feelings
that I could not bear to voice
I just let them rot inside my heart
it was my only choice.

my body aches
my chest burns
in bitter self loathing

Curse me in your
bitter defeat
As I saunter away in
shameless retreat

I'll hold up my face so my neck
cannot break
And give no regard to your
heart that's at stake

specks of blood
taint the sharpening stone
as I prepare
to dive back in
beneath my fragile skin

A rose has no intent to harm you, but she does nonetheless.
With no desire to hurt, she can neither feel regret
You asked for more and it gave no less
But you left her your heart when you met

I had no reason and no way to explain
When I walked away and took all the blame
I could not describe the intimate pain
And you knew all along our love wasn’t the same

With petals concealing the thorn underneath
The shy doesn’t dare to demand be left be
For had she unveiled the pain behind the sheathe
No one ever would grasp for the branch that broke free

So quilt in her likeness until you don’t care anymore
And patch her with pictures when she starts to look worn
Then you’ll lose sight of her beauty, forget what you cared for,
And you’ll wander away, remembering her only for her thorn.

Don't speak
Turn out the lights
If you see nothing,
you can say nothing.

Don't think
Turn off your mind
and free your inhibition
to submit to the condition

Be the blood of my lips
sinful red
pinched between my own teeth
in your stead.
The chill of my sheets
yet unknown
Reminded of how it feels
sleeping alone.
Though my fiery skin yearns and
misses you
My bed was to small
for two

I'll take for granted
my eyes will open
despite the pills I take
late at night to sleep
put me under deep
when I wish I will not wake

Simple flex of a muscle
Lift up
Relax
One rep at a time
Getting stronger.

Now part the lips
just a little
Pinch the corners of your eyes
the tiniest bit
to convince them it's real.
Convince them it's real.

All you have to do
Is convince them it's real.

The feeling in my chest pumps
My words mean nothing
My thoughts in words are not the meaning
The words have no meaning
They are mere words
It is work to describe what has meaning but it is not these words
Not words
Feelings
Pictures
Images
Pain
Pain of all kinds
Fuzzy images and memories and experiences
Stop
It hurts
My chest
The tears
The chest pain that chokes me
The tears that invisibly lurk behind my eyeballs
They sting just a little
They make me want to hide
Hide and cry
Lay alone
Why do I lay alone
Why
I’m hurting so much
Stop
Stop.
Why do I hurt?
I hurt for no reason more often than not.
No reason
That’s what depression does
There is no reason
There is no cause
Therefore I don’t understand
I’m hurting
I don’t know why
There is no wrong

Floodlights on the blacktop
Illuminate the emptiness
upon which I cannot rest
for fear of mechanical monsters
much stronger than I

I swear I saw tears
form behind your eyes
The pain I feel too
and understand that you deny
I want to tell you
you can trust and rely
on me for support
but to you I can't lie

Words I can't speak
for you make me feel
I had forgotten how
and you accidentally steal
my masks and walls
and vulnerable I kneel
Neither of us can deny
that this pain is real

I wish people could see
I wish I could say
There's a mess in my mind
Something's wrong with my Brain

Justice is not equality
Freedom is not fairness

It’s better to admit you don’t understand
than to torture the hopeless

Waiting for peace on earth,
you dare to hold your breath

So I’ll let you suffocate;
We are equal in death

In the silence, I can hear
the firing in my brain
Neural machine guns
Shatter the stillness

In the dark, I can see
the electrical sparks
flowing through my body
Lighting up my mind.

Alone, I feel myself
think. You cannot steal
my thoughts or hijack
my malleable brain.

Break the synapse
that forces a relapse
into the abyss
of my existential crisis

You look but don't see,
so please indulge me
with metacognitive debate
fueling cynicism and hate

Three hours later
you're sitting downstairs
I wasn't home
I wasn't there

Three hours later
We walk to my door
I walk inside
and stare at the floor

Three hours later
I pace back and forth
you watch and I wonder
if you care anymore

Three hours later
I turn out the light
You don't want to leave
I don't put up a fight

Three hours later
you pull me back in
I need to get up
but the light is too dim

Three hours later
I know there's no use
I don't care enough
and I have no excuse

Three hours later
Three hours without you
And yet I don't mind
but I know that you do.

My glass reminds me
of your smile
Sipping, I taste the lime
Slipping, I close my eyes

Pull me back to you

Remind me
How I got here, the mess I’m in
Remind me
where I’m going, where I’ve been

I circle your wrist and
I circle my ring
You are the tonic
for the key that I sing

Somberly walks he
Ever watchfully
Slowly
on drying leaves,
dying thieves
of dormant trees.
Sacred are these
that summer leaves
her memories
of hopeless dreams
that soon will freeze.
Let it be
and silently
forget about me
so you can see
the mystery
of yonder trees
Whom you believe,
for whom you grieve,
and around them weave
through weeds
whose seed
you spread as you flee
with speed
away from he
who stands peacefully
among the trees
and next to me.

Yo word; this is real artist ****
****

I don’t know
I
Am ok

Drugs on your brain

words
cannot express
Pretending to be poetic

I
Am ok

I hate you
I hate me
I am alive
******* alive

A layered watercolor skyline
under perfect painted skies
Feel the water through my fingers
Pulling me in with the tides

I can't tell the difference
between their lines and my lies
that line is so thin for my helpless mind

Pillars of darkness steal my judgment
That I refuse and I deny
Spills of silence, clouds of vision
marks on lonely open walls

Blameless for once,
I sit in bitter repentance
Of sins I neither regret
nor accept for them my sentence.
For I did condemn,
not them,
And I unashamed,
while blamed

Refer to my flaws,
Yet I feel naught in despair.
Apathetically seeking nothing
And the void awaiting me there.
When I could cry,
not die,
I was contrived,
not alive.

Feelings laced with irony
That even I don't understand
So how could you?
Part of me wants to run away
All of me wants to hold your hand
But you're hurting, too.

I gave up on keeping promises.
Don't trust me; I don't.
Just walk away.
You're too nice to let me hurt you
Keep your distance; I won't.
But I wish you'd stay.

The sea of green
Before the turn
The flame of lust
Ignite and burn

One more time
Cross the line

Lacking the control
necessary for

bending your heart
I am
not strong enough to break

No self-respect
no respect for
space.
time.

Inhibited
by myself.

Sit.
Stay.
Good girl.
Lie down.

No more
good girl.

Call my name
and I will come
In a moment
to your side.
No thought
no care
no respect.

You're too pretty to cry
You're too young to die

I think of you and my eyes burn
but I only cry in my dreams

Dying to be sane,
but strapped to the table
so sick of being called crazy

Hospitalized eternally
may heaven be my medicine
to prove I was a failure from the start

I die
to cry
But you
cannot cry
once dead

Anxiety pulses through my body
In raging tremors

my hairs stand on end
as my body shakes

and my dry eyes burn
and my empty heart yearns

Rupture my brain
I explode with thoughts unbounded
by constraints in my mind.

Free the ribbons of
thoughts that I held so long inside
but no longer confine.

Erupt, release me
from my captivation of late
no more shall I cry or hate.

the Courage of the sun
reflected on her face;
a reflection never as bright
but not dull.
Shining?

but without Courage she
is blind, or she hides.
I walk in darkness.
I miss her
Still.

she returns, not of her own
Will or Strength,
another cycle passed.
rising from the dead to
Beauty

return to retreat overhead
with Strength, Courage, Pain
another cycle. Past.
between glistening Glory and
Oblivion.

Why do you always turn away
When I try to kiss your face?
And when I ask you what is wrong
Why do you stare off into space?

I look away and try to hide
To keep these feelings holed inside
I want to say I never lied
But long ago my feelings died.

Then when you're silent and you pause
Why do you laugh without a cause?
I guard my heart with teeth and claws,
But smile and laugh to hide my flaws

Why do you let me stay with you?
I forfeit credit where it's due
Why do you –* wait until I'm through
I cannot say I love you too.

Sensual pleasures
I am restricted by words
Asking to be noticed
Begging to be heard

A push from the air
So you feel its constant hug
So often we brace a shoulder
To avoid the wind's tug

Motion to falsify life
Implying breath without lungs
Moving whip of the dead
That slapped til it stung

You said We still have forever
What's a few more years apart
My trace of doubt, it left a wet line
down my cheek and neck and heart

You said Baby, this is nothing
when eternity is ours
But I saw that in your eyes
your tears were glistening like stars

You said Love will last forever
I am yours, so dry your eyes
Then you turned away and promised
These were not our last goodbyes