i have been staring at this notepad,
trying to think of something to come and write itself out on this page,
but nothing seems to work.

not the late nights, not the jitters in my hands, not even the lack of sleep seems to be having their same loving effects.

i'm not sure how to get out of this little bout of writers block, not sure how to connect again with my words.

i miss the feeling of feeling, and i miss that feeling of relieve i got every time i wrote out everything i tried to say and never could.

i'll just
sit here
and smoke
the memory
of you
into ash

i think the world is starting to wake
up
it's 5:37,
the cars are riding pass me
more and more as the minutes
tick by
i'm halfway through my last pack
and i'm ******* broke
my mind is a mess and i really
haven't slept in days
my parents think everything is
alright
but they don't really know what
happens when it's ******* late at
night

I’ve been thinking about what to say for a couple of weeks, long before my birthday, and yet I still cannot articulate the words that I really really want to say. I know that we aren’t friends anymore and that we don’t talk anymore, but still I would’ve thought that after so many years of friendship and after everything that we have been through, you would’ve text or called or something for my birthday. In my mind, I thought that what we had, the bond that we had shared was stronger than that. Despite everything that had transpired. Even though we were not talking, I still wished you a happy 18th birthday. I knew that that was a milestone for you, I knew that it was a major occasion. I swallowed my pride, even though I was still extremely hurt and mad at you. I did that and against better judgement will still continue to do that, because believe it or not you are still the first person I think to tell things to. You are still the first person that I reach to call whenever things in my head are going to ****.
Last week, I was at A&T; with one of my friends Britni and for some reason, I started going down memory lane. Friday, it started with looking through my Instagram and then onto yours and then to my very old account. I then moved to Facebook, looking through all of our stupid videos and pictures. Then I ventured to your mother’s account. And as I swam deeper and deeper into the memory pool that mainly consisted of us, I got sadder and sadder and sadder. First it started off one eye tear stream and then I got up and walked to the bathroom and my vision became blurred with our smiling faces and mascara burning its way down my cheeks.
Even now, I am sitting in a stairway contemplating sending this to you or just saying, “**** it, she doesn’t care about you anyway”, and proceed with my original plan of getting drunk tonight with you on my brain. But I don’t know, maybe I need to send this, get all of this off my chest like my therapist says. Maybe sending this to you will help me sleep more, maybe it will help to let go of the past. I really don’t want to cry anymore. I really don’t want to keep waking up in the middle of the night thinking of you. Pathetic I know, because you don’t feel the same.
You don’t have to respond, it’s okay.
-Nai
(21/11/2015)

Throw me over the river bank,
Fill my pockets with all of your lies.
Drown me in the thought of you.

writing has been hard lately...
it's like i've being trapped under
this invisible bubble, thats almost
impossible to break free from.

it's hard being surrounded by people constantly
it's hard always having to fake...everything
words never come easily anymore
its almost like i have to put my fingers
down my throat and force them out.

the stress and anxiety is slowly eating
away at my soul.
as drastic and unreal as that sounds - its
true.
i can feel it, gnawing away at my feeble attempts at being normal.


n.g.

Dear No one,

Your eyes were shinning bright today and I was at a loss of words to say. It's finally starting to feel like fall again. The leaves are falling and my heart is constantly wandering  back to sleep. Dreaming of worlds so beautiful and true. All of the colours swirled together and made something new. In the sky they drew out the face of you. I am not sure if you're going to understand my late night banter but try to remember to look up at the stars every once in a while.

Sincerely,
No one

I am desperate...
Desperate for affection that I know
  will never come from your
Hands
Mouth
Or even your heart
Constant give and take,
With me always giving and never
  taking what I want
Or taking what I deserve

I let you hurt me
Allowed you to evade my questions
But answered yours truthfully and
wholly

I feel stupid for still wanting you
I feel stupid for always sticking up
   for you when everyone is saying,
cut her loose!

Now I'm laying bed wishing you'd
   text me back
And trying to hold back tears
My hands are shaking because of
All my fears....

They all look like you

29/9/15

it's 3:30 and i'm up
thinking about the past again
drowning in the thoughts you bring

i'm starting not to make any sense
and i can't see past my phone screen
the time keeps changing, getting
onward with the night

i keep dreaming
and not really dreaming
i keep smiling
but inside i'm still kinda dying

i don't know what to make of any of this
i don't know what to make of any of this
i don't know what to make of any of this

(16/8/2015)

I'm having thoughts
of grandiose things.
Pain filled lives always
sing for less rain
Your body comes and goes
Used up like a vacant hole
There are so many cigarette
butts lying around
Polluting the ground,
like you did to my mind
I'm trying to remember
the light and
asking myself,
"was it always this bright?"
It always seems like nothing
matters to you -
and I guess you're right
Right now it seems like
all you want to do is
fight.

You've done it again // made me feel like this was the // beginning // when really it was just the // end // I've done it again // cried // over the things that youve said // that are  constantly breaking my heart

I don't know why I do this to myself
Get myself so worked up that I can't function

I don't know why I do this to myself
Get so bent out of shape that I can't think straight

I don't know why I do this to myself
Get so attached to things that I know will never stay

I don't know why I'm here
When I can't even do anything right

monday @ 2.30 a.m*
my eyes are bloodshot and my words are slurred.

tuesday @ 4.50 p.m
do you remember how our bodies used to fit whenever we slept?

wednesday @ 8.00 p.m
I was so close to calling you, but the thought of actually having to tell you how I feel terrifies the **** outta me.

thursday @ 12.37 a.m
you just texted me back and I don't know the words to say to make you stay.

friday @ 11.05 p.m
i could've seen you tonight but instead im sitting in bed crying over the stupid things you once said.

saturday @ 1:25 p.m
i think it's time i forgot you...

sunday @ 6:37 a.m
i can't forget you...no matter what i do. i can't my mind off of you. it's sad, but true

I've been up for a while,
    my pill wore off around quarter till you.
And I stayed up until the time changed to half past
    your morning stretch.
But then I fell asleep for a little bit and the last thing I saw
    was your bright eyes shinning into my bedroom.
I'm up again and I'm not
    sure what the time currently is,
but I know that I've lost you.

and if you want to leave
at any time, it's ok.
i'm used to it. it'll
hurt, but i'll be ok

I wan to fall madly and deeply in love with you... I want to wake up next to you, long before you do. Just so that I cant watch you wake up to the world. I want to claim you when we go out into public. Scream at the top of my lungs, "THIS HUMAN BEING IS MY LOVE AND YOU CANNOT HAVE HIM!" I want to fight over who ate the last of our favorite box of cereal. Claim up and down that you had the last bowl, even though it was I who finished the box and just forgot that I had. I want to walk our dogs together. I want to sit on the window seat with your arms cradling me. We'll be watching a Summer's storm or a Winter's storm, or a Spring storm or even a Autumn storm; only because you know how much I love to do that. I want to read my favorite poem to you over and over in the dead of night. You'll know it so well, that you will randomly whisper it to me while I sleep. I want to take baths with you and showers too. Honestly, I just want to be held by you. I want to stay up until the next morning talking to you about nothing and everything in between. I want to tell you my fears. Tell you why I am the way that I am. I want to be the shoulder that you lean your head on when you're too tired from a long day at work, or when life has just gotten to be too much. I want to be the person that you call first with good news and bad news too. Sweetheart, know that you are all those things for me. I want to wake up from a nightmare, to find the best dream lying next to me, waiting for me to indulge in its sweetness. I  want to go on adventures with you. Travel the world with you. Sing songs about you. Scream songs at you. Get drunk and have hot, wasted *** with you, and only you. I want to visit your favorite place in the world and find the meaning of why it is held so dearly to your heart. I want that place to be our place. So that we can always have somewhere that is just ours. I want the world with you. I even want children with you. I want a house with you. I want bad fights, that leads to sweet apologizes and make-up *** on the floor. I want my life with you, and the next one, and the one after that. I want everything I can't have and everything that I can, but only if I am with you.

i think of you
as i think of the ocean

so close, yet so far away

yin and yang, pushing and

pulling
a constant that'll never be

always grazing, never staying
touching the scared parts of me

your touch sends chills down my

spine
a touch that'll never be mine

the ocean has many loves, just

as you
forever loving some but never

just one

ocean breeze
summer's ease
forever reminding me of things
that'll never
be.

I have this book that I use to write.
I've written countless poems about you, for you.
That hint towards you.
And the hardest thing is knowing
That you may never get the
Chance to read them.
Maybe it is because I'm scared
Of what you may say or
What you'll think...
That constantly keeps me on
The brink of letting you in on
The secrets.

I'll see you another day
But for now I must lay
This pen down and rest.
My heart is tired of writing
About you for now

I see you
No you do not
Yes I do, I have always seen you
No you have not
I see everything about that you chose not to see
Everything that I chose not to see…
Yes, I see the beauty
I see the pain
I see the love
I see the scars
And all of those things are good reasons to not see them at all,
For they are ugly
They are cruel
They taunt the person that you thought you used to be
And that my dear is the reason why I see them…

you rise from the ashes
the tumultuous sea
a new bird, born again
like a summer's breeze

I met a friend
Who handed me a pen
And told me, "write"
To write about what gave me life,
That spark of unwavering light

I met a friend
Who handed me a piece of paper
And told me, "create"
To create things
That'll make your bones shake

I met a friend
Who gave me the best advice
He said to be true to myself
And everything will be all right

It 4:19 and I should be sleeping
     But here I am, sitting up. Thinking
It's 4:20,
     and yet I am still drinking
It's 4:21,
      I miss the smell of your clothes
It's 4:22,
       Where did you go when I needed you most?
It's 4:23,
       Why did you leave me all alone
It's 4:24,
        The time is moving slowly, it makes everything that much more lonely
It's 4:25,
        And I have nothing else to say
It's 4:26,
        I don't even want to know why you walked away.
It's 4:27,
        Goodnight sweet friend

I think I've fallen I'm love with a boy from the north, the place of my birth. Who's beautiful melodies creates wonderours symphonies. That pluck and pluck at the fragile strings of my heart. I want to believe that this love is true,
      But I know just like the rest, that it is best to leave this love to the trained characters. Who live within the pages of our favorite book.
~n.g

I'm too different for this town
Too weird for this state
I really need to move away to someplace where they can relate
~ n.g

goodbye my love
for I will see you soon...
I will see you on the next full moon.
I will see you when the lights burn away,
and on the next day.
my love for will burn bright.
even in the dead of night.
goodbye my love
for I am gone
I will be gone by the end of the song...
~ n.g

You are you -
And I am me -
We are two
Can't you see?  
~ n.g